I am dating a guy who is 36 ( I am 23). He is in amazing shape and attractive! For the most part he has treated me well and has done a lot for me. He has totally wined and dined me. This is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. We have fallen madly in love with each other after 4 months. Here is the issue... he does not like me out of his sight. He claims he gets nervous when I am not with him and I go out with my friends to drink, dance, and have a good time. After my night out he asks me 20 questions if I danced with anyone or if they danced with me. If any guys asked for my number or touched me. He makes threats that if another guy touches me and he sees it then he would break his neck. He says he is not controlling and wants me to have fun but does this sound like a guy who is NOT controlling? At one point he went as far to say that he only wants me to drink when he is around to protect me. He doesn't believe I should make any new male friends because we have each other and our old friends. Is he right? Am I just making a big deal out of a guy who really does love me? Or is his love dangerous?

As you know, this situation is not healthy.
This guy has the sound of some major insecurity issues. Have you learned anything about his past that would give a clue as this type of abnormal behavior? Was he cheated on by a past g/f? Does he think he's not good enough for you? I would lay it to him straight- you are in love with him but that his insecurity is scaring you/pushing you away. You need him to trust you for this to work. Try to get him to open up.
If this behavior continues get out.

PS- do the threats of violence toward other guys seem legit, is he a "lose his temper" type of guy, if this is the case RUN! 36 is way too old to be acting like a jealous little boy with too much testosterone.

You make some valid points. His angle with me was that he doesn't get jealous... ever ( I type this as I raise my eyebrow). He feels as though I am going to run back to my ex because I had an encounter with him while we were beginning to date. He claims he has never had that happen to him before ( I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM! My ex and I hung out and that was it).

He thinks I act like a little girl when I "try to make him jealous"

When he was younger, he was the type of guy who would "lose it" but now he claims he is different and has left that behavior behind. He has never hurt me or touched me. As far as I am aware he has never touched any woman. I am wondering if I would be different because his addiction for me is something he has never experienced before...

This dude is 36 and threatens to "break someone's kneck" if they touch you... is he serious with that. I am sorry, but that is the thought and reaction of an 18 year old. Clearly he has some insecurity issues to work on. That is my take on it.

Well I told him that was very extreme and out of line.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but he is acting half his age, and frankly, I cannot stand guys that talk or think like that. If I were you, I would get out of this, it has Ike and Tina Turner written all over it. He is way too afraid of losing you, almost to the point of physical control.

LOL at the Ike and Tina comment. Do you honestly think it could resort to him PHYSICALLY harming me? Am I being to naïve to see it? From what I am aware he was never violent to his ex's in the past.

This is unhealthy. I understand that you love him... (I was once in a very similar situation) Unless you want the rest of your life to be like "reporting" back to someone, being controlled and under someone's thumb... you need to get out. I used to make excuses to that "it's just b/c he loves me so much" Ummmm an ENORMOUS part of a relationship is trust (I am sure he says he trusts you, it's the others he doesn't... been there done that) he has trust issues, period. Every aspect of your life will turn into you answering to him, you having to explain things to him, you not being able to have normal friendships with your girls and hang out... it will snowball from here...
He is insecure and jealous (even though he claims not to be). This is not a normal healthy relationship to be in, and there is no wining and dining that is worth your freedom as an individual.

His behavior is a slippery slope to more dangerous behavior. I would NEVER talk like that to one of my girlfriends (former/future). It screams low-class and blatant immaturity.

LOL at the Ike and Tina comment. Do you honestly think it could resort to him PHYSICALLY harming me? Am I being to naive to see it? From what I am aware he was never violent to his ex's in the past.

It can turn into that. My ex was abusine, not in that he raised a hand to me, but this type of action turned into mental/verbal/emotional abuse... it is a TERRIBLE thing to go through

I am just trying to figure out why I am "so special" to him. He is constantly telling me nice things about how I am beautiful and very pretty, but that if I work on my tummy I would be even MORE of a show-stopper. Yet he turns around and says he would love me at any size. I find that hard to believe because his relationship with his ex-wife partly fizzled because she let herself go. He also like to tell me from time to time that, "he could have any girl he wants." I find myself confused at times...

You are enamored by his tactics at whining and dining you, but that isn't really who he is, and I think you know that. Your last post is littered with red flags... flags that go up around a complete control freak.

LEAVE! Yes, if that is your pic, you are beautiful, and I would not want to be in a relationship such as the one you are in.

From the last comment you made... is this someone thaty you would want to spend your life with? What if you had children and didn't lose weight right away? What if he didn't see you as a "show stopper"?
I heard it all before about how it is hard to date the "hot girl"... and that's where the "protection" comes into play... Puh-lease... If he truly was in LOVE with you as a person, he would trust you when you are out and have no problems with you doing so. He would not play the million and one questions game and he would believe you when you told him you love him and are just hanging out with people...

I'm still hung up on this comment a few posts ago:


He thinks I act like a little girl when I "try to make him jealous"

Do you intentionally try to make him jealous? You said "when I try to make him jealous."

If this is the case, then you've created this problem... Kind of like praying for rain and not wanting to deal with mud...

Ok but I want to make sure I get the most authentic answer. He dated his best friend of 12 years for a year ( when they were younger). She is STILL madly in love with him although she has gotten much better. Before it was just strange that she could not move on and date again. I am glad she finally has. Anyway, if he was so abusive, then wouldn't he have done the same thing to her? How could their friendship last 12 years if he was that bad? I personally do not find her that attractive... a semi-cute 34 year old Barbara Streisand and his ex wife looks like a heavy set version of Genine Gerafalo. Am I missing something?

You are new to this relationship and it is a relationship,not ownership.If he is displaying this behavior during the *honeymoon* phase,it is a red flag.

This type of controlling jealous behavior only escalates and in a year ,you may be so under his thumb as to not be able to make a move without his permission.

He is most likely feeling his age and feels insecure about his ability to keep someone thirteen years his junior satisfied.

Proceed with caution. Make it clear to him now that you will not tolerate jealousy and that if he continues to mistrust your judgment,perhaps you are not as well suited at you thought.

Nip it in the bud.You have no obligation to answer to him about your every move.

I'm still hung up on this comment a few posts ago:



Do you intentionally try to make him jealous? You said "when I try to make him jealous."

If this is the case, then you've created this problem.... Kind of like praying for rain and not wanting to deal with mud....

I am a naturally giggly person. Sometimes I giggle at inappropriate times. When we are laying in bed and watching TV or whatever and I get a text and it is funny, then I giggle. He thinks I try to hide my phone from him. He asks me who it is and I tell him and he STILL thinks I am lying. I usually have to show him to prove it or sometimes I don't show him just so he knows he cannot bully me into showing him. He has requested that I announce the incoming callers name when I answer the phone like this, " Hello?"... "Oh, hey (insert name here)." So that he will not have to try and figure out who I am talking to.

I have an in law who is 34 dating a 21 year old and this sounds exactly like their relationship. He "trust her" yet he grills her whenever she walks in the door after being anywhere without him. He even gets mad at me when I talk to her and I'm married to his cousin.

I always thought it was a little strange that a 34 year old was dating a 21 year old they really have nothing in common and his response to me was this is a trophy girl how many 34 year old do you see with a 21 year old.

I swear he doesn't even care about her he just likes the fact that she is very good looking and young and he knows how to control her. I tell her all the time to leave him she hasn't yet but she is tired of going out and then getting grilled by her parole officer I mean her boyfriend when she comes home.

I'm not saying your relationship is like theirs but if it is leave now because his girlfriend gets more and more miserable everyday and I really feel bad for her she is a very nice person and she doesn't deserve the grilling every time she goes out.

I agree DSMom. He does have his short-comings (we all do), but I honestly have to say this relationship is seriously the best one I have been in. I admit that my hanging out with an ex and not being honest about it certainly did NOT help. I apologized and this was over 3 weeks ago and I am still hearing about it and getting side comments from him. He does pretty give me whatever I want and never says no.

I am a naturally giggly person. Sometimes I giggle at inappropriate times. When we are laying in bed and watching tv or whatever and I get a text and it is funny, then I giggle. He thinks I try to hide my phone from him. He asks me who it is and I tell him and he STILL thinks I am lying. I usually have to show him to prove it or sometimes I don't show him just so he knows he cannot bully me into showing him. He has requested that I announce the incoming callers name when I answer the phone like this, " Hello?"..."Oh, hey (insert name here)." So that he will not have to try and figure out who I am talking to.

Are you serious??

As I said before... been there done that, how ridiculous! (I say this because I went through the same types of things and after finally benf free from that &$*@#$@ <-- my ex, I can call it rediculous)

You may not let him "bully you into showing him" but it will be a matter of time until he goes through you're your phone himself... if it is always with you he will do it when you are in the shower, or sleeping, or in the bathroom (if he hasn't already)

This is not healthy, stable, behavior

If this helps at all... I believe his ex-wife was controlling because she was the bread winner. According to him, I am not a fling or a phase. He really wants to be with me for the long haul. Of course we are just taking things day by day.

Spitvenom, I would say that I am grilled when I return from an evening out. I mean, it is normal for a guy to never want his girl out of his sight unless she is at school or the gym?

Too late, he has already gone through it. I am not innocent on that one... I have gone through his phone too. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I did have some trust issues, but then they subsided as I realized that this guy does want to be with me. I slipped up and told him that I used to check his Blackberry. Now he erases all of his text messages. But I am not as concerned seeing that he allows me to announce a text or call if he has missed it.

It seems like you're at a point in your life where you want to have fun, be flirty, enjoy life, and be the bubbly person that you are... and he's not. I think there is nothing wrong with being a giggly, flirty person if that is who you are... the thing is... your boyfriend fell in love with that person. Changing what you are for him is not being true to yourself.

That being said, he's a 36 year old man who has been married and divorced, in and out of relationships, and has seen 13 more years of love than you. Maybe he wants someone "out" of the flirty 20's... maybe he doesn't want to "settle down" but wants more stability; more maturity.

(I'm playing devil's advocate here... )

Maybe he feels that you're being immature. Maybe he has learned in the past four months that you like to flirt with guys and don't care what he thinks about it. Maybe he has reason to suspect that you're entertaining more of a friendship with your ex. Maybe he has every right to feel jealous because you're playing on those emotions.

By comparing your "prettiness" to his exes, you simply say "I'm better than them. I'm prettier. You should love me more because I look better." Rather than knowing that he is in love with you, with you, and has chosen YOU as his partner.


You need to decide if this guy is worth putting up with his insecurities. Maybe it is time to stop flirting.

Devil's advocate finished. :)

If this helps at all...I believe his ex-wife was controlling because she was the bread winner. According to him, I am not a fling or a phase. He really wants to be with me for the long haul. Of course we are just taking things day by day.

Spitvenom, I would say that I am grilled when I return from an evening out. I mean, it is normal for a guy to never want his girl out of his sight unless she is at school or the gym??

Hun, we are all telling you that this is not a good thing! If you were truly happy in your relationship, you would not be here making this post. You know that something is wrong, but right now do not want to face that this is seriously unhealthy. That is understandable, I was in/out of that ridiculous "relationship" with my ex for FIVE LONG YEARS... he controlled me, grilled me, went through my phone, etc etc etc...

I would hate for someone to have to go through the things I did. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the behavior will lead to some sort of abuse... as I said, I have not been beaten by my ex, but the verbal/mental/emotional scars that I was given -b/c of the way he developed his "protectiveness" into that form of abuse- are things I will carry with me forever

Right again. I do want to state that I am happy. I do feel that there should not be unwanted stress in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Of course he would probably blame me for creating "drama". I am a flirty, young, 20-something woman. I mean, what did he think he was getting into seeing that he is 36?? Do older man really want bragging rights that they are dating a young and 20-something woman?? Does that make them feel special?

Right again. I do want to state that I am happy. I do feel that there should not be unwanted stress in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Of course he would probably blame me for creating "drama". I am a flirty, young, 20-something woman. I mean, what did he think he was getting into seeing that he is 36??? Do older man really want bragging rights that they are dating a young and 20-something woman??? Does that make them feel special?

Yes... some do actually think that way. Sad, but true.

You may be happy... now, however you are questioning your happiness down the road if you are posting this. I think that you see that this is not "right". Not the way someone should behave in a loving, trustful relationship...

I just hope I did not create the distrust. I am wanting to believe this was a problem he had and it surfaced once we became more involved. I am still wondering what makes me so special compared to his past relationships. He considers his ex's attractive as well...

Spitvenom, I would say that I am grilled when I return from an evening out. I mean, it is normal for a guy to never want his girl out of his sight unless she is at school or the gym??

No that is not normal! I would love to be with her 24/7 but that just is not healthy. I feel like if you spend all your free time with one person you become a different person.

We do usually spend much of our time together. We see each other every night. At times when it becomes too much we have a little spat and then we are fine. He is away doing business and will fly into town during the weekends. I believe he has one of his little minions watching me.

Wait a second, are you serious that you think one of his friends keeps tabs on you? Seriously.

I think he has had these issues for a while. To be honest he sounds kind of vain. He brags how all of his exes are attractive, he doesn't tell you no for anything, wines and dines, there is more to life than materialistic things which seems to be what he is interested in.

What makes you so special? You are beautiful and YOUNG, like a prize on his arm...

We do usually spend much of our time together. We see each other every night. At times when it becomes to much we have a little spat and then we are fine. He is away doing business and will fly into town during the weekends. I believe he has one of his little minions watching me.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

PLEASE get out of this... I used to be "watched" or "checked up on" too...

You are just vommiting out reasons you shouldn't be dating him... at some point, you are goint to look in the trash can you are spewing into and see all of the red flags... hopefully it won't be too late.

DSMom... yes, he is very materialistic and vain. He didn't have much growing up and I think some how that has translated into his adult life. Also, he is man with a boy-ish appearance ( a pretty boy) which is hard to come by in older men.

Think muscle-bound meat head... with a college degree and many skills.

Spitvenom, yes, one of his friends is seeing a woman who ironically lives in my building...

Kctiger... lol at your earlier comment about being low-class.

I really do feel loved I am just trying to figure out how I should address these issues with him.

DSMom, what made you finally leave your relationship with the guy?

Kctiger...lol at your earlier comment about being low-class.

I really do feel loved I am just trying to figure out how I hould address these issues to him.
DSMom, what made you finally leave your relationship with the guy?

You tell him to grow the f*** up, period!

You probably don't want to hear this, but you need to. None of us here have anything specific to gain from giving you this advice so keep that in mind.

Seriously, get out. Now. This guy sounds like he doesn't have his head screwed on right. Jealousy = insecurity. One of my ex's had an ex-husband that would basically control her the way you're saying you're being treated now. He was 15 years her senior.

Sure, at first it started like with many of the similar things that this guy has been doing to you. Demanded that she didn't talk to other men, always had to be in his presence, etc. Over the years it slowly escalated into physical abuse, to the point where he threw her out of a car and basically attempted to kill her. Needless to say they're divorced and her life has been all the better ever since.

Physical threats of violence to other men = bad. Who knows what would happen if he made a threat to the wrong guy and you're caught in the middle? That's bad juju.

But hey, it is your life. I can see a ton of red flags here. Its up to you to make the decision to stay or go... and the common census here is that you should go. If you truly value yourself, you wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment.

ALSO, he wanted a detailed account of my past sexual history and how the guys performed (no, he is not gay). Where they are currently, what they are doing, how long we dated and when we dated. Is this strange??

FLASHBACK!! I was dating a fella 32 and I was 22, he used to show up at my flat with flowers at 2 in the morning when he knew I had college the next day because 2 guy friends lived in the same block. He used to say I was gorgeous and why was I going with him and in the same breathe say the gym going should kick in soon,while patting my stomach!! He told me I didn't have the legs for skirts, I shouldn't trust my friends because they were "jealous of me" RUN NOW this man what's to get you young and train you up! He thinks you don't know any better and he can make you into what he wants, believe me. Oh and if he's like this after 4 months(I've had dishes in my sink for longer - college days) imagine in a year, 5 years, people with this kind of personality don't change they just become more possessive

ALSO, he wanted a detailed account of my past sexual history and how the guys performed (no, he is not gay). Where they are currently, what they are doing, how long we dated and when we dated. Is this strange???

Ahh... so he knows about me huh? :D (Total joke, no harm intended)

All right, so everything you are typing is confirming that this guy is a creep. Run, NOW!

Kctiger...lol at your earlier comment about being low-class.

I really do feel loved I am just trying to figure out how I should address these issues with him.

DSMom, what made you finally leave your relationship with the guy?

After going back and forth with myself, with the relationship, etc etc I just really took at good hard look at what was going on. This was ridiculous and I totally refused to spend the rest of my life beign controlled by someone, Living my life as someone else wanted me to or told me to... SCREW THAT!!

I wisened up and I left. The phoen calls I received were ridiculous (I got a new phone number because of it), he has told many stories about things that *I* did that *he* left me because of, blah blah blah...

He can live his insecure life with false stories and say whatever he wants about me... I am happy, I am free, I am out of his control... he is looking for his next "victim" I am sure

Just really ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of FOREVER... You what someone to tell you where you can go, who you can talk to, how you can look, how you can dress, basically treat you like you have no mind of your own and you have to listen to what they say? Please, just be strong, see the danger in this and move on without him

You need to get out of this relationship! I can see where this is going like a re-run of an old movie, playing out in my head! If he is acting like this in just 4 months, run like hell! This can escalate faster than you think, and IT WILL! You don't want to end up where I did, trust me you don't! It's not a lot of fun anymore when you are sitting in the emergency room on a Saturday night with a bunch of broken bones, because he "thought" you were flirting or talking to someone that he hadn't approved beforehand.

I have been through this! Your guy sounds like a carbon copy of my ex. I hear you saying everything that my ex would have done. If I didn't know better, I would say you are dating him! One thing that really stood out to me, is when you said that he "allows" you to tell him when he has gotten a call or message. He ALLOWS you? You have to ANNOUNCE who YOU are talking to? He has people CHECK UP on you? You have to ACCOUNT for your whereabouts and your behaviour when he isn't around?

These are classic textbook DANGER signs! RUN, DON'T WALK!

I am just so confused. I hear everything you all are saying. There are many valid points. When we first started dating I never thought I would be more serious with him and vice versa for him. I just don't understand where this behavior came from. He claimed left to right, up and down that he was NOT the jealous type. He still claims he wants me to go out and have a good time and NEVER to ask him to go anywhere.

Lol at KCTiger... Yes, I know your comment was harmless, funny, but harmless

I am just so confused. I hear everything you all are saying. There are many valid points. When we first started dating I never thought I would be more serious with him and vice versa for him. I just don't understand where this behavior came from. He claimed left to right, up and down that he was NOT the jealous type. He still claims he wants me to go out and have a good time and NEVER to ask him to go anywhere.

He will say that... over and over and over

However...

Actions speak louder than words

Very few people admit their faults never mind telling you their psychotically jealous

The only sexual history type question I ever ask any girl is Do you get tested for STD's and HIV regularly. I think that is the only question anyone going into a new relationship should ask about sexual history. To this day I have no idea how many people my wife dated. The reason for that is it doesn't matter. She is with me and that is all that matter's.

In my opinion him wanting to know all that sexual history stuff borderline's on him being insane.

I am really disappointed. I was hoping my little instinct would be wrong and people were going to tell me that I am over reacting and to give the relationship time. Instead, everyone is saying RUN! I thought I had genuinely found a guy that loved me and cared for me and wanted no harm to come of me. I doubt I am just THAT HOT. Fiddle sticks...

Lol at spitvenom... I take it that is highly unusual??

I am really disappointed. I was hoping my little instinct would be wrong and people were going to tell me that I am over reacting and to give the relationship time. Instead, everyone is saying RUN! I thought I had genuinely found a guy that loved me and cared for me and wanted no harm to come of me. I doubt I am just THAT HOT. Fiddle sticks...

Yes, you are hot (in the pic)... however don't strut your stuff around looking for guys to tell you that either. I almost get the sense you want guys around to validate how good you think you look.

That's the thing about instinct's they are usually correct.

Guys who want to know all the sexual history stuff are asking for trouble. Let me ask you did you tell him EVERYTHING about your sexual history?

NOT EVERYTHING, but more than I should. There are a few things I could have kept to myself. My mommy taught me early that some things should be kept private.

My ex thinks the only reason I want to go to the club is to have guys validate how attractive I am. I like attention when I get dressed up, but I don't crave it or need it...

Has he ever brought up anything about your past to like make you feel bad or guilty?

OH YES! Especially my most recent past relationship. I never hear the end of it. I am tired of him doing that. It makes me feel bad. He says he wants to humble me... then follows it up with a, "I am just kidding." or "I am sorry, that was mean and uncalled for." It was a badddddddddddddd past relationship. Different situation. I told him I don't like it but then I get that damn humbling response...

I am really sorry, but he is a egotistical, manipulative, overpowering control freak...

It will turn for the worse, you know this, please end it.

This is a way to control you. He says something to make you feel bad or sad about yourself or your past but then says it was a joke or he didn't mean it so you don't just leave or get mad. The past is the past and had nothing to do with him for him to throw it in your face and try to hide it as trying to make you humble is wrong.

I know some people will not agree with me but I found nothing wrong with wanting attention when you get dressed up. I don't spend $1,000 on a suit so I don't get noticed.

So you all think he doesn't love me AT ALL?? Why all the wining and dining if he doesn't care? He has spent A LOT of time and money on me... I don't want to make it seem as though he is a bag guy. I was out of town and he drove 3 hours to pick me up so I could make it back home safe and sound!! He gave my cousin 30 dollars worth of gas money when he was in town so we could go to his house for dinner ( it doesn't take 30 dollars to get there) and he took my cousin, his partner and I out to dinner. He bought me a new computer because he didn't like the fact that my other one was so slow and special ordered it for me. He bought me a new lock for my door because the new one is more safe. My dishwasher broke and I got a new one while I was out of town!

Money hides a lot of problems... take the sunglasses off and you will see reality for what it really is.

AmExp agrees: You are right, but it is so hard to leave someone you love and care for. Sorry to hear about the ER!! EEKS!

It is very hard to leave, but look at it this way--you've only got 4 months into this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I had 9 plus yrs. Into mine. I only wish I would've had the sense to leave in the beginning. The longer I stayed, the more control he took. It honestly got to the point where I can only liken it to a form of brainwashing. It's hard to explain, even to myself, but it almost got to be like one of those guys you see on TV that run cults. If someone would have told me I would have gotten involved with anything so abusive, I would have laughed in their face. I just "knew" I was more intelligent, and had more respect for myself than that.

Fast forward many years, and name a bone of mine that "hasn't" been broken. I know the emergency room Dr.'s by name! To this day, I still get C'mas cards from one of them for God sakes. The arthritis I have because of all of the broken bones is unbearable at times.

Everything I saw you write, even in your other threads, just brings me right back to where I was when I first started dating my ex, although he worked a little slower at his game of control. All of the gifts, the wkd getaways, the surprises, and the insistence of "paying for me," tranlated into him "owning" me! Before I knew it, my friends were gone, I wasn't allowed to go out with any friends I managed to hang onto, and my phone calls were monitored. But, how DARE I check his phone or ask questions about his whereabouts.

I even understand when you say that you feel that this is the best relationship you've ever been in! So did I! Oh, that first little while was fantastic, and I loved him with all of my heart. He was kind, caring, would do anything for me, treated me like a princess!---in the beginning.

So my advice to you, is to cut your losses early in the game. Will it hurt now? You bet! Will it hurt more if you stay? Probably more than you know. There are so many red flags here, and you are the bulls target.

Good luck!

Edit: I just read that you told him about things with your ex, and you never hear the end of it. Wow! Boy do I remember this!

I dunno KC. I paid for EVERYTHING in the last relationship. EVERYTHING! That guy was a class-a JERK. How is the money factor an issue?

BTW, my family LOVES HIM and all my friends but one like him as well. The one friend ironically thought he was controlling even after a month of dating... I haven't talked to her in over 2 months.

I am sorry to hear that Starbuck8! You are so strong to muster up the courage to leave. However, I am still waiting on the one response that could make a huge difference... WHAT MAKES ME SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER EXES (aside from youth because the 34 year old ex is in great physical shape)??

I am sorry to hear that Starbuck8! You are so strong to muster up the courage to leave. However, I am still waiting on the one response that could make a huge difference...WHAT MAKES ME SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER EXES (aside from youth because the 34 year old ex is in great physical shape)???

What is it that makes you so sure you are?

Sounds to me like he is trying to buy your love. You should really evaluate your relationship with him and ask yourself...

What do we REALLY have in common?

What does he do that makes me want to be with him(Pros)?

What does he do that makes me question his reasons for being with me (Cons)?


Write this down. This list might surprise you.

My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years... I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later?? You would remain madly in love with them?? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you?? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!

Thoughts?

AmExp agrees: You are right, but it is so hard to leave someone you love and care for. Sorry to hear about the ER!!! EEKS!

It is very hard to leave, but look at it this way--you've only got 4 months into this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I had 9 plus yrs. into mine. I only wish I would've had the sense to leave in the beginning. The longer I stayed, the more control he took. It honestly got to the point where I can only liken it to a form of brainwashing. It's hard to explain, even to myself, but it almost got to be like one of those guys you see on TV that run cults. If someone would have told me I would have gotten involved with anything so abusive, I would have laughed in their face. I just "knew" I was more intelligent, and had more respect for myself than that.

Fast forward many years, and name a bone of mine that "hasn't" been broken. I know the emergency room Dr.'s by name! To this day, I still get C'mas cards from one of them for God sakes. The arthritis I have because of all of the broken bones is unbearable at times.

Everything I saw you write, even in your other threads, just brings me right back to where I was when I first started dating my ex, although he worked a little slower at his game of control. All of the gifts, the wkd getaways, the surprises, and the insistance of "paying for me," tranlated into him "owning" me! Before I knew it, my friends were gone, I wasn't allowed to go out with any friends I managed to hang onto, and my phone calls were monitored. But, how DARE I check his phone or ask questions about his whereabouts.

I even understand when you say that you feel that this is the best relationship you've ever been in! So did I! Oh, that first little while was fantastic, and I loved him with all of my heart. He was kind, caring, would do anything for me, treated me like a princess!---in the beginning.

So my advice to you, is to cut your losses early in the game. Will it hurt now? You bet! Will it hurt more if you stay? Probably more than you know. There are so many red flags here, and you are the bulls target.

Good luck!

Edit: I just read that you told him about things with your ex, and you never hear the end of it. Wow! Boy do I remember this!

This is as if I were typing it myself! (minus the physical abuse - I left after 5 years, he said there were times he wished he would have just hi tme... maybe I left before it actually progressed to that, but the mental abuse I suffered, the brainwashing, the emotional and verbal abuse... ugh, I was taken back there as soon as I read her story)

People can see what he projects for them to see... they do NOT see what goes on "behind closed doors" so to speak

The fortunate thing is that he is seeking counseling ( before he started dating me) and I don't think that is a bad thing. I feel like maybe he is trying to sort his other issues out.

I do need to make a pros and cons list for sure...

NOTE: He did say one thing that was shocking about his ex/best friend: That he is trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... He is happy that she has finally moved on and is dating again and that she was not a good lover in the bedroom. Ok people... she is a 34 year old woman... not a child. He claims that if she acts like a child then he will treat her like one and that she should know better than to say or do some of the things she does.

My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years...I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later??????? You would remain madly in love with them???? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you??? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!

Thoughts?

Yes, I have thoughts.

I was in and out of my terribly controlling relationship for 5 years. The brainwashing has already begun on his BF from 12 years. He treated her the same, I am sure of it. Made her feel dependent on him, made her want more of the material things, of the being called hot etc etc, he made her believe HE WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. He maniputlated her, braiwashed her, and nw years later his mental games still have her thinking that what he did/said, how he acted was out of love and not out of shear wnjoyment of control and "ownership". It is a common thing, it is why I did not leave sooner, I thought we were truly in love and his actions were out of love, not out of control... I wanted to hang on to that love (addiction) when it was really just an way to control me...

I think amybe this relationship is suffering from the huge age gap. You are both at different parts of your lives.

You are in party, flirty, hang out at bars and club mode with friends.

He is in the I'm 36, I want to settle down, I want someone at home, I don't want to party all the time mode.

Both are very different. You still have a lot of growing to do, while he is done and pretty much set in his ways. This is something you need to think about...


That he is trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... He is happy that she has finally moved on and is dating again and that she was not a good lover in the bedroom.

Wow, this guy just told you all you need to know.

1. I am training some to be "better" for some one else. How much more controlling and manipulative can you get?

2. He is making comparisons between you and her IN BED! LOL!! Well that pretty much sums up why he is with you! Sounds to me like all this guy cares about, truly, is what happens in the sack.

He makes comments about your looks all the time. Tells you that you still need to work on things to look better. Constantly makes refferences about sexual history and past sex partners and their performance. Is constantly buying you things to keep you around.

Honestly, what does this guy have and do make you so sure that he is honestly with you for love and not sex??

NOTE: He did say one thing that was shocking about his ex/best friend: That he was trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... she is a 34 year old woman... not a child. He claims that she acts like a child at times and he will treat her like one and that she should know better.

Whoa... that's the definition of a male chauvanistic jerk. I tried seeing his side in this. Looking at it from his perspective. Playing devil's advocate.

But honestly, NO ONE should treat someone like this. Ever. That's a dangerous comment.

Controlling, manipulative people don't just "get better."

Maybe his exes "love" him because he bought them with pretty things and trips? Made them feel good?

Well what was her wake up call?? Since he took me with him to meet her at work she has backed off from him A LOT! She is much better and no longer negative about our relationship saying that I am going to leave him and how he will come running back to her when he is bored and lonely. Now, she tells him to calm down and be patient with me...

HistorianChick: He typically falls for girls who come from wealthy families or who are successful in their jobs. Again, his wife is a physician who happened to make a nice six-figure salary (seeing that not all physicians do). Apparently, she was very controlling over how the money was allocated and felt like he was spending more then she was comfortable with. He felt as though a part of his manhood was being taken away by asking his WIFE for funds to do the simple things. It seemed like an odd relationship. He played the trophy husband and she was the total package ( so so on the looks).

Sound like all he cares about is the physical things and money... while manipulating and controlling you. You're playing right in to his game.

That is eerie. I hope that is not true. I would have like to assume there was some respect and love involved... he just seems like a great guy. He is such a good father!

WHILE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I keep having this dream that if I were to leave him or something bad were to happen that he would choke me or something... not sure why because I do not feel threatened being with him and he would probably cry if I told him that ( he is a VERY sensitive man).

This thread was over 6 pages ago... you have a decision to make, or at least, to think about. His actions, and his words, need to be lined up...

Carry on... :cool:

That dream comes because that is honestly what you feel in your subconcious... Like I said you know deep down something is wrong... stop it while it is still early on (4 months as opposed to years)

My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years...I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later??????? You would remain madly in love with them???? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you??? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!

Thoughts?

I lost my internet connection for awhile. Anyway, in answer to your question that if he was "completely abusive" to his ex would she still remain friends with him? ABSOLUTELY! That is part of the control! This is as clear as the day is long to me. I guess this is so obvious to me, because I've lived it! It's all part of the game! I actually have no doubt in my mind--and I'm not being flippant here--that he was abusive to his ex's. I can only imagine what you would hear if you had the opportunity to sit down and talk with one of these women. I did, after the fact. He swore that he was wonderful to them, and they just didn't appreciate his efforts. I was the one that appreciated him, and gave him the love and support he needed. When I sat down with one of these women, their story echoed mine to a tee! It doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides!

This thread was over 6 pages ago...you have a decision to make, or at least, to think about. His actions, and his words, need to be lined up...

Carry on...:cool:

KC, with all due respect, and I'm sure you know that your advice here is valued, I have seen the NC threads go on and on. There has been at least 3, with 1500 posts each. This is not just something that should just be a simple "roll your eyes" and leave already-- situation. Until you've been in a controlling relationship, you don't understand the dynamics. It's a very hard situation to deal with. I'm having a bit of a hard time explaining how this is a different thing between men and women, but it really is.

KC, with all due respect, and I'm sure you know that your advice here is valued, I have seen the NC threads go on and on. There has been at least 3, with 1500 posts each. This is not just something that should just be a simple "roll your eyes" and leave already-- situation. Until you've been in a controlling relationship, you don't understand the dynamics. It's a very hard situation to deal with. I'm having a bit of a hard time explaining how this is a different thing between men and women, but it really is.

With all due respect, I am the first one to advise her to leave this relationship. I did not try to downplay the seriousness of the situation. I think there have been 6 pages of people trying to make the warning signs she has mentioned very apparent, which is why I said that. I apologize if I offended. I am well aware of the dangerous situations that arise with these types of relationships. I also understand it isn't as simple as her just leaving...

I will bow out now. Sorry to make light of a serious situation.

WHILE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I keep having this dream that if I were to leave him or something bad were to happen that he would choke me or something...not sure why because I do not feel threatened being with him and he would probably cry if I told him that ( he is a VERY sensitive man).

Ahhh! Sensitive man! OH WOW! Are you sure you're not dating my ex? Sensitive along with all of the other things you have mentioned is just a concoction of a bunch of things getting ready to explode!

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

The best thing about this situation is the fact that it is still relatively new. It's only four months. He bought you gifts, took you on vacations, spent bucus of money on you, and treated you like a princess for several months.

He is now showing a bit of his true character, and you have a right to be alarmed.

Take the advice and put a stop to it while you're still new in the situation.

Staying for gifts and because you think you're different (or can "change him") is not going to be good in the long run.

Chances are, you're not different from the last girl, you're never going to change him, you'll end up losing who YOU are, and you'll be back on here in a few months wishing you had put a stop to it.

Find someone with a similar mindset. You want flirty fun, find a guy who is flirty and fun.

This is still new. Make the change.

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

He's worried about you leaving, because he will lose his control. That isn't kosher with him! No one leaves HIM! HE leaves! That is the only way he will have it!

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left... Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

You being a touch chick (that sounds familiar... my ex used to say the same) Has shown you to be a challenge to him, and his sensitiveness is part of a way to manipulate you. He is so sensitive so that you give in to him, so that you "see his sensitivity"... and believe he is sensitive...

You shouldn't HAVE to talk to his ex... all of the signs are right there for you to see... He is fake, materialistic and controlling... He tried to win you over with wining and dining, vacations, buying you things, then shows his "sensitive side" when somethingn "upsets" him or "hurts his feelings"... YET he can talk CRAP to you and then play it off like he was joking..

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left.....Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

HE will be doing the leavign unless you make it a point to do something...

Like I said, I LEFT MY EX... ut he has told stories about me trashing everything he owns and telling me to leave, LOL... He can have his stories, he can talk all he wants, I know this... I NOW HAVE MY LIFE BACK!

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left.....Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

He won't leave you until you threaten to leave him. If he see's this as a possibility?---oh yes---he's gone! He won't be nice about it either!

I will have to come back guys! I need to go to the mall and walk around! I ned to clear my head. I am so sad and disappointed! THANK YOU ALL!! I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY! Please keep posting or asking questions if anything arises!

Just a thought--Has he ever asked you to dress in a certain way? One way when you are out for the night, but hinted about dressing a different way when around his family?

Has he made negative comments about your friends?

You know AmExp, if things were going great, you wouldn't be on here asking all of these questions. Obviously something is not right with this guy or this relationship, and deep down you know it... hence the reason you are here today.

We all have dissected your story and all of your rationalizations of the situation, and added our insights. Now it is up to you to decide what is best FOR YOU.

You know AmExp, if things were going great, you wouldn't be on here asking all of these questions. Obviously something is not right with this guy or this relationship, and deep down you know it....hence the reason you are here today.

We all have dissected your story and all of your rationalizations of the situation, and added our insights. Now it is up to you to decide what is best FOR YOU.

Some people are just not seeing that it is not always as clear cut as this! Does she need to leave? YESTERDAY! But just to pass it off like this, is not necessarily the best way to handle this! What you are saying in essence is to just "get on with it!" I would like to say this too, but I know unless she fully understands, she may just stay. I think she is really trying to digest this, and she knows there is something that is wrong here. Please don't try and discourage her from keeping an open dialouge with us!

To answer your question about why my ex's ex-husband threw her out of the car, it was over what she was going to cook for dinner. She said she needed to get things to make whatever dinner and he disagreed. She was temporarily paralyzed and couldn't walk for almost a year. Nearly died. It didn't start this way though. First with the small things, telling her what to do all the time, etc. Then it spiraled into physical abuse. For example, if the kitchen was not exactly spotless he would hit her over a small crumb on the kitchen counter.

Now granted, I think her case is an example of an extreme but it did happen to her, I've seen the scars. They were together for around 11 years. What happened to her was a combination of his control over her, plus the fact that they married Catholic (no need to debate about religion, just giving the facts here) and she was raised to never leave the marriage ever for any reason. Also, for the first few years of the marriage, EVERYONE including family and friends absolutely loved this guy. But as time passed, they all started to see his true nature.

In the end, her final wake-up call was when she nearly was killed. Not trying to hijack your thread here but I wanted to answer your question.

I wasn't dicouraging open dialouge, but her perceived denial on the whole situation seems to be preventing her from seeing the whole situation for what it is. I was just trying to point out the fact that we can all see.

I know that situations like this are niether 100% clear cut nor easy to resolve. I understand she has a ton of things to think about.

I am in no way trying to scare her from seeking further advice.

JM, I have already talked to Starbuck about this. It is a little more complicated than telling someone to just leave. There are a lot more emotions and psychological factors that are involved. Perhaps it is best to let the women take if from here...

To answer your question about why my ex's ex-husband threw her out of the car, it was over what she was going to cook for dinner. She said she needed to get things to make whatever dinner and he disagreed. She was temporarily paralyzed and couldn't walk for almost a year. Nearly died. It didn't start off this way though. First with the small things, telling her what to do all the time, etc. Then it spiraled into physical abuse. For example, if the kitchen was not exactly spotless he would hit her over a small crumb on the kitchen counter.

Now granted, I think her case is an example of an extreme but it did happen to her, I've seen the scars. They were together for around 11 years. What happened to her was a combination of his control over her, plus the fact that they married Catholic (no need to debate about religion, just giving the facts here) and she was raised to never leave the marriage ever for any reason. Also, for the first few years of the marriage, EVERYONE including family and friends absolutely loved this guy. But as time passed, they all started to see his true nature.

In the end, her final wake-up call was when she nearly was killed. Not trying to hijack your thread here but I wanted to answer your question.

I actually don't think her case was as extreme as some people think! My ex got mad because I wanted to stay at a baseball game watching a friends kid play, while we were out of town visiting with them. He through my suitcases out onto the hwy. and as I was trying to gather things, I got into the box of the truck to try and lift the suitcases up! He started taking off down the hwy. with the tailgate still open! He started to speed up, and then he slammed on the brakes! I'm just lucky I held on, and didn't get thrown into oncoming hwy traffic!

This was the same guy that showered me with gifts and told me how beautiful I was all of the time.

Well, the mall was therapeutic. But I am still very confused. I am going to need more time to process all of this. We had a nice conversation ( via phone) and then I walked around the mall. On my way home my boyfriend mentions something that he earlier tried to say could be my fault. When the situation proved I was faultless and I harmlessly pointed it out he got testy and said, "Not everything is about Princess AmExp. We were talking about me and my situation. Not you!"... 30 minutes later I get a text saying, "I am sorry that wasn't nice of me to say at all. I didn't mean that you were harmless (which I truly am)"... I didn't respond. He then called me asking if I got his message and that he was yet again sorry and didn't mean to hurt my feelings...

Maybe I am blowing this one out of proportion. Seems silly enough, but I don't know. He has been snapping at me a lot more.

He's getting scared that you are starting to figure him out. He says something wrong... rethinks... appologizes... and then gets defensive again.

As for what I wear... well. During the holidays he asked me to come over and meet his family who were in town. ( Sisters, their kids and husbands, his mom and dad, plus his two children)... whew. Earlier that day he had met my because I had returned from my holiday trip ( their encounter was pleasant and unplanned). Anyway, when I was dressing for the visit I bent over. He was like you can't wear those pants. They show your underwear. I just told him I can change the cut of the underwear and that was that. He felt the need to remind me the whole way there to make sure they don't show. Then one night I got all dolled up wearing a new stripped dress that my cousin and his partner helped me accessorize. My boyfriend told me I looked stunning and really pretty. We took some pictures and I didn't like how they turned out. I felt I looked chunky (nothing is wrong with being chunky but that dress did NOT make me look that way in person). He later told me yeah, stripes look terrible on me and that I should not wear them again and to turn that outfit. That really hurt my feelings because HE was the one praising how nice I looked. He claimed he didn't want to tell me because I was trying to look nice. He has said things like I look better naked and that his ex-gf was the same way ( who he compares me to A LOT!! ) He says I remind him of her in many ways, but that she was as dumb as a box or rocks and couldn't handle that.

Hey I no how you feel I'm actually in somewhat of the same situation right now...
Something I would have to say from experience is that you need to tell him that you already have a father and don't need another one... and if he truly does love you he needs to trust you... it sounds to me that this guy might have a little bit of a trust issue...
Just don't let this relationship get out of hand and turn the wrong way... like mine did I'm scarred of my boyfriend and I can't find a way out of our relationship you need to get out of the relationship when YOU want to don't wait around for him... he doesn't control your life YOU do...

Good Luck!

I actually don't think her case was as extreme as some people think! My ex got mad because I wanted to stay at a baseball game watching a friends kid play, while we were out of town visiting with them. He through my suitcases out onto the hwy., and as I was trying to gather things, I got into the box of the truck to try and lift the suitcases up! He started taking off down the hwy. with the tailgate still open! He started to speed up, and then he slammed on the brakes! I'm just lucky I held on, and didn't get thrown into oncoming hwy traffic!

This was the same guy that showered me with gifts and told me how beautiful I was all of the time.

OMG!! WOW! That is insane!! He was mad because you didn't want to spend that time with him?? OR??

As for what I wear...well. During the holidays he asked me to come over and meet his family who were in town. ( Sisters, their kids and husbands, his mom and dad, plus his two children)...whew. Earlier that day he had met my because I had returned from my holiday trip ( their encounter was pleasant and unplanned). Anyway, when I was dressing for the visit I bent over. He was like you can't wear those pants. They show your underwear. I just told him I can change the cut of the underwear and that was that. He felt the need to remind me the whole way there to make sure they don't show. Then one night I got all dolled up wearing a new stripped dress that my cousin and his partner helped me accessorize. My bf told me I looked stunning and really pretty. We took some pictures and I didn't like how they turned out. I felt I looked chunky (nothing is wrong with being chunky but that dress did NOT make me look that way in person). He later told me yeah, stripes look terrible on me and that I should not wear them again and to turn that outfit. That really hurt my feelings because HE was the one praising how nice I looked. He claimed he didn't want to tell me because I was trying to look nice. He has said things like I look better naked and that his ex-gf was the same way ( who he compares me to A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He says I remind him of her in many ways, but that she was as dumb as a box or rocks and couldn't handle that.

Oh how did I know that? I have sooooo heard that! All of that and more! The comparisons here are actually leaving me speachless! What is his name and address? Lol! I'm going to get his babysitter to come pick him up!

Seriously though! This is a HUGE red flag once again!

He's getting scared that you are starting to figure him out. He says something wrong...rethinks...appologizes...and then gets defensive again.

Really? You think he has "caught on"...

Really? You think he has "caught on"....

I can almost guarantee you. Just from what he has said to you in texts, and calling you to make sure you've gotten them, tells me that his hair is standing up on the back of his neck and he knows something is off. He's going to try the back-up game now! He is going to be the sweetest person you've ever known! Just watch for it to happen! He is going to go one of two ways. He is either going to be SUPER sweet, or he is going to be SUPER defensive or angry! I sure hope it's not the latter.

I have to take off for awhile, but I'll be back in a bit.

OK great! Thank you!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that to freak you out and then just leave, but I really have to go for awhile. I will be back though.

HI AmExp- this is my first post on this board but let me share a little something with you. I just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship myself- hence why I am on here. I'm 31 and my x is 24.. so it hits home to some degree.

First off- if you are a good looking girl, fun, energetic and full of life MOST older guys would do basically anything to date/have a relationship with a younger attractive girl. But here is the problem. NOT ALL older guys (or younger) act like your boyfriend. My x was very attractive- but I had something this guy does not. TRUST. I could honestly tell my x "Go out, have fun, be careful, give me a call later" as she left for the night with her girlfriends. And a simple "how was your night" would suffice later on. I'm a pretty big guy and intimidate people on my own, and I can tell you- there is NO reason for tough guy threats "ill break necks" bla bla. His insecurity, jealousy, and past issues are shining through day in and day out- and like others said.. that is why you are here. You see it, but you don't want to fully accept it, or believe it AND you might not understand it full.

If this guy is drilling you with questions, checking your phone, (which you should not do either) and going WAYYY out of his way to check up on you, even though he makes it look like he's doing it to be nice.. he's not. Again.. all those nice things he has bought for you, your family, friends etc.. That's a nice gesture- but HONESTLY it doesn't hold a lot of value when it comes to TRUE feelings. He should not compliment you, then degrade you. He shouldn't make you feel 'hot' then tell you you could be 'hotter' if you worked harder, etc. It doesn't sound like you are a girl to let herself 'go'. Ugh- please get out of this relationship, as others said it's still early. He WILL get worse in every aspect. He can not help it.. it's who he is and what he is used to.

Thump

Well Thump, thank you so much for your thoughts. I think the problem I am having is that I cannot see the future.

I want to mention that he talks to one of my best friends (who by the way he does criticize allllllllllllllllll the time behind her back). He thinks all of my friends have issues but doesn't mind if I go out with them. He is cordial to them and I have found a few of them call to seek his advice on things which is cool for me.

She told me in confidence that he tells me he trusts me but sometimes I give him reason not to. He will text her all night long trying to dig for information about me ( not always) but he tries to send her on a mission to ask me certain things to see how I respond or what I say. He loves to test me to see if my stories change. He likes to try and slip me up to see if I stay on my toes about my story. That becomes stressful. I complain to him about it and often times we move on ( that doesn't last long). Yet I am the one who is playing games when I giggle after I receive a text?

AmExp- it's obvious he has trust issues. YOU can even see that. Like others have said, and many of us have a lot of experience here- you've waived the red flag around non-stop. You've listed so many signs of an insecure, jealous guy. I don't care WHAT guy says "I'm not that guy, I'm not jealous, im not insecure". A persons actions will ALWAYS speak louder then words. Relationships are NOT games as much as many immature people think they are. This guy calling your friend/texting her to see if your stories match, or trying to catch you in a lie is absolutely ridiculous. TRUST is non-existent here. And unfortunately this guy is carrying old baggage with him, that is making him this way. I've been cheated on, lied to, straight to my face- but I still go into each new relationship with an open mind, and an open heart. He isn't doing that with you.. he needs to fix himself before he tries to care for someone else.

Now I will play against you for a minute to. If you are doing things to make him jealous, insecure, and feel like he NEEDS to check up on you- then that's your bad. And I'm not talking about giggling at txt messages. I'm speaking of things like, getting new guys phojne numbers, your phone constantly ringing in the middle of the night and not telling him who it is, or not picking it up when you look at it- the obvious things that would drive any man nuts. Then you need to take some blame also, but I don't think from what you said that is the case here. He has issues- don't make them YOUR issues any longer.
Seriously.. I know you are younger, but not all relationship are suppose to be like this. There will be plenttyyyy of guys that SPOIL you, family, and friends- because we CAN and want to. Don't let that blind you from the obvious flaws he has going on.
Thump

I dunno KC. I paid for EVERYTHING in the last relationship. EVERYTHING! That guy was a class-a JERK.



Hi Amexp
And from what I recall you held on to thought of wanting to get back with this former Ex (jerk) because you craved being in a relationship. Some of the others here probably haven't seen your previous posts but I have to agree with what their all suggesting you should do.

Is it possible your just putting up with this obssesive and immature behaviour from this guy just because you need to be in a relationship.

This one certainly doesn't sound healthy to me.

Good Luck whatever you decide.

I started to read through all the posts, but wow, 12 pages, I don't have that kind of time, so, I'll apologize now if I repeat something that's already been said.

AmExp, this relationship is an accident waiting to happen but you're so much in love with the idea of love that you can't see the forest for the trees. Well, let me try and help you see the light.

You've read all the posts by other women who've been through things like this, but did you really read them? Did you see the comparisons, or are you just thinking it's a coincidence and that your guy is different?

He's not, let me assure you, this guy will become more and more controlling, he will become abusive, he will hurt you mentally and physically, I'd bet on it!

I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say that I've been in more destructive relationships than healthy ones. I got lucky, found a good guy, married him and went off into the sunset, blah, blah, blah.

I've dated guys like your boyfriend, I got lucky, I got out alive, you still have a chance to do the same but you have to listen and see him for who and what he really is. He will wow you, be the sweetest most caring, understanding, loving guy and then turn around and be the ugliest, meanest guy you've ever met.

You know this, otherwise why start the thread? You know you have to leave, you know what's going to happen, something in your gut is telling you, so, if you won't listen to us, then listen to your gut.

Leave, because this won't be all sunshine and roses for long.

To answer some of the previous posts, I think what it boils down to is that I am in denial. Who wants to believe that they have finally started a NEW and FRESH relationship only to later find out that their instincts about the relationship are right. NO ONE! Once again, I am disappointed. I do believe I am in love with the idea of being in love. Whew, that is a tongue twister. I like the thought that someone has actually said and done the right things. I like the fact that for once it feels like I am loved by someone ( other than my parents who by the way have been together since college and NEVER mistreat one another). I am not sure why I am drawn to these overbearing men. Maybe because my dad was sooooo busy with his career when I was younger, that I want a daddy figure. I mean, don't get me wrong, my dad was VERY attentive and loving. But as he became more successful, he started to miss more and more events that were dear to my heart ( birthdays, sporting games, dinners or whatever).

I have never broken a bone and I certainly don't want to have any now.

As Friend4U said. I flirted with the idea of getting back with my ex. I was in a miserable and desperate place, ugh. I have finally gotten over his antics and regained confidence in myself. I do not want to go down that road again.

On the flip side... I am a woman with a free spirit who loves the idea of danger and is drawn to men like this. There is an actual condition for this... carmen or carmine syndrome (sp?? ). I want to learn more about it because I feel I am one of those people. I know something can lead to danger in terms of relationships yet I still keep walking down the same path instead of RUNNING the opposite direction. If this were one of my friends relationships ( an it was) I could detect this instantly!

Maybe I need to do seek help from a counselor first...

Seeing a counselour certainly wouldn't hurt Amexp... but I think most of all just be patient and have fun when your dating. There's no rush your still so young.

Finding Mr Right is a process and when you least expect it , and when you aren't trying so hard it will happen.

Good Luck :)

Counselling isn't a bad idea. You have to learn to love yourself, love being by yourself, not depend on someone else to make you happy.

You really need to leave this guy, I've had broken bones, still have scars, trust me, it's not exiting, and you won't feel like a "free spirit" afterwards.

Spend some time on your own, work on loving who you are and then find someone who can love himself and you, just the way you are.

Really, run this time, this is not good. You know it.

Oh wow... thank you!

Seeing a counselour certainly wouldn't hurt Amexp...................but I think most of all just be patient and have fun when your dating. Theres no rush your still so young.

Finding Mr Right is a process and when you least expect it , and when you aren't trying so hard it will happen.

Good Luck :)

So true M.

Hubby was a hug surprise. I had just sworn off men, and I was finding myself, trying to get back on track with who I am. I met him and tried to push him away, I didn't want another guy just then.

Poor man, I really gave him a run for his money, but after a few months I realized that maybe, just maybe, he was different. I'm happy to say I was right.

AmExp, really, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who treats you like his property, or with someone who is your partner in every way.

So true M.

AmExp, really, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who treats you like his property, or with someone who is your partner in every way.

Had to spread the Rep Alty but this is so true as well.

Bottom line is a relationship cannot and will not last without trust , so ask yourself this Amexp

"Does he trust you" His behaviour certainly doesn't suggest it :cool:

Ahh, had to spread the rep as well M, but that's so true.

There's no trust here, that's a dead end street!

Well that is what we remind each other everyday. I figured we both would have caught on by now...

Well that is what we remind each other everyday. I figured we both would have caught on by now....

He never will, it will only get worse. Before you know it you'll be asking his permission to go to the bathroom. Been there, done that, and it all started just like your story. Really, there are certain types out there that are very predictable, and this guy is one of them.

Run, don't walk. We're here for you, that's why we joined AMHD, so you break it off, change your numbers, no contact and we'll be here to help you through it.

But, seeking proffessional help to get you back on track is also a very good idea. Don't just think about it, do it!

You have your whole life ahead of you, so find someone to share it with, not someone to control it!

Agreed! THANK YOU ALL SOO MUCH! I REALLY NEEDED THIS! THANK YOU!

The irony is he says that he wants a drama-free relationship and that as soon as there is DRAMA he is gone. When we started to get more serious we have had our bouts with major drama strangely enough. Anyone else experience this?

The drama is part of the control. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it there will be drama, and yes, it will get worse.

Drama is controllable, if you have an open, honest, trusting, loving relationship.

Do I get angry with my hubby? Yes, but we keep the drama out of our relationship. When we have an issue we discuss it. If we don't agree then we determine how important that issue is. If it's important then we find a middle ground, if it's not important we put it on the shelf.

I know a good relationship when I see one, I also know a bad one. I've been in both.

Hubby and I have been together for half our lives, 19 years, and yes, there have been bad times, but never terrible times, never a time when either one of us said "ENOUGH!".

Drama belongs on the stage or in movies, not in a relationship.

So he creates the drama to be in control?? I admit that I have provoked some things, but I didn't feel it was as big of a deal as he was making it...

Bottom line from what you have told us is his behaviour is immature , insecure and manipulative amongst other things.

So you either accept that and live with it or you do something about it.

So he creates the drama to be in control??? I admit that I have provoked some things, but I didnt feel it was as big of a deal as he was making it....

Because it isn't as big a deal. When he doesn't get his way he'll make you feel like it's your fault, that you're the one causing drama and that he just wants peace and love.

That's how these guys get control, they have you believing that any problems in the relationship are all your fault. If you hadn't gone out with your friends he wouldn't have to get mad. If you had told him who called he wouldn't have had to search your phone and then there'd be no drama. If you had called him when you said he wouldn't have to get upset because he was "worried" about you. Drama, drama, drama, and before you know it you think he really cares when all he's doing is controlling your every move.

Then, if you stay, it will turn into "I wouldn't have had to hit you if you'd just listened", "I wouldn't have to lock you in the house if you would just stop talking to people you're not allowed to talk to", "It's your own fault that I gave you a black eye, if you had just not gone out with your friends it would have been fine".

Yup, been there done that. Learn from our mistakes, I can promise you he won't change for the better.

OMG!!!! WOW! That is insane!!! He was mad because you didn't want to spend that time with him???? OR???

He did that because it was Literally his way or the highway! He was angry because he wanted to leave NOW, and I wanted to stay an extra half hr. and watch the game with my friends!

As far as the drama goes? He will set it up and create it, but make it look like you did. He will do that most often in a passive aggressive manner. He will play on your feelings, and spin it until you're dizzy, and convince you that it is ALWAYS your fault. You WILL start believing him. This is his plan. It can get so bad that he can and will find a way to make it your fault because the sun rose! He is only doing this to TEACH you, and to tell you whatever YOU'VE done, you've done it the wrong way! Only his way is the right way! He knows better, you don't.

Again, and I'm not trying to be a smart A$$ here, but how did I know that he puts down your friends, but is Mr. Wonderful to your friends and family? Then how did I also know that he tries to convince one of your friends, to get info out of you so he can catch you in a lie?---along with telling her that YOU do things to try and make him jealous or upset. And of course there is the clothing issue, that you confirmed when I asked you. Don't you dare wear that outfit when we are around my family! But how dare you not wear it when we are out together, because I am so needy that you need to dress that way so I FEEL GOOD about MYSELF! Oh and make sure there's plenty of cleavage to keep me occupied!

You mentioned the idea of "being in love with the feeling of being in love." Also, that you like the bad boys. Well this isn't love. He doesn't trust or respect you. He makes you announce who you're talking to on the phone, he checks your text messages. ---but of course don't you ever DARE check his or inquire, he has his buddy spying on you when he's out of town, he has your friend trying to fish for info to try and trip you up, he wants to know who you've talked to, danced with, etc. when you go out with your friends---yet tells you he "wants" you to be able to do that---and I can bet he makes sure he knows what you are wearing then too---AND he texts you and says something hurtful, then texts you back and appologizes, then texts you with another rude remark, then he texts you and asks why you aren't answering your texts! Have I forgotten anything?

What do we know about him so far? He is manipulative, he is jealous, he is insecure, he is needy, and he is controlling! I could come up with many more verbs to describe him, and none of them are good.

Again, get out of this while you still have yourself esteem and pride intact. He will suck the life out of you if you don't. Leave before you get the chance to find out that all we are saying is true.

Again, get out of this while you still have your self esteem and pride intact. He will suck the life out of you if you don't. Leave before you get the chance to find out that all we are saying is true.

Starby is totally on the money here. Listen to Starby! Run away as fast and as far as you can and count your blessings that you still have the sense left to question this behavior. I truly feel for the many other unfortunate women out there who get into this kind of relationship and don't realize it until its too late...

Starby is totally on the money here. Listen to Starby! Run away as fast and as far as you can and count your blessings that you still have the sense left to question this behavior. I truly feel for the many other unfortunate women out there who get into this kind of relationship and don't realize it until its too late...

Thank you for that. Had to spread the rep Ducky! ;) It sounds funny to me to call you that, because everyone in the "lounge" here calls me that. They're a crazy bunch! LOL! Come join us if you'd like, you'll see! Heehee!

Thankyou for that. Had to spread the rep Ducky! ;) It sounds funny to me to call you that, because everyone in the "lounge" here calls me that. They're a crazy bunch! LOL! Come join us if you'd like, you'll see! heehee!

Not all of us ;)

16572

Your 23 he's 36. You sound 23 which is still very emotionally immature and I do not mean that in a bad way.. you just grow and learn over time with experience... and him being 36 and trying to control you.. show's his immaturity and insecurity... I'll tell you what other girls won't tell you... you know the ones that tell you girl don't worry about it.. he's just jealous cause he loves you... He's got it really bad for you.. no he's not and no he doesn't... he's into the a** and wants to possess you not love you... and it's probably not even you, it's every girl he gets all into... and eventually he'll tire of the games and move onto someone he feels he can control... it's been four months... no one is in love in four months it's lust.. revisit it in a few years and I doubt you think it was love then... sorry. The younger older has to have more to it then physical attraction and games... you mentioned he is in good shape and attractive and wines and dines you and has done a lot for you.. now can anyone say that spells love... get out before someone gets hurts both emotionally or physically... guys don't like to be taken for rides especially boys who think they're men...

Damn Sherri! Well I appreciate your honesty. He jokingly told me tonight that I can run the show when I start paying for things. Until then because he is paying... he is running the show. AND whatever I want I get. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. He also followed that up wth if I want to pay for everything then I can be king for the day. Lol

Damn Sherri! Well I appreciate your honesty. He jokingly told me tonight that I can run the show when I start paying for things. Until then because he is paying...he is running the show. AND whatever I want I get. I didnt think there was anything wrong with that. He also followed that up wth if I want to pay for everything then I can be king for the day. lol

Whoa! All I can say right now is... WHOA!

... and many more explitives that I can't use here!

Well... he was joking with me. Or is that what he wants me to think? Is that what happened to you?

It's not a joke hon! He wants you to think it's a joke. Trust me it's not! Yes, this is what he did to me, and when I went for counseling after I finally "escaped," my counselor told me how easy these things were to recognise. I finally started to do my own research, and do other things to look into behaviours, and what he said to you is just so typical and can be so dangerous.

The funny thing is that he has supported and encouraged me to go to counseling and feels I will have better wellness. I feel like if he didn't support me then he wouldn't encourage. He believes it would be good for me to go.

So did my ex!. and he went too! When we finally went together, after several sessions, the counselor pulled me aside and said I just needed to leave him. He only wanted me to see a counsellor to prove he could fix me, and he gave many reasons his counsellor was useless, because he knew more than the counselor. According to him, his counselor talked a lot of phycho babble, and just didn't know what he was talking about.

I'm seriously not trying to shoot down your dreams, and be the one with the big crystal ball. I hate that I even have to tell you these things. I don't even know you, but you seem like a smart, pretty and intelligent girl. I don't want to see this happen to you---like it has happened to me.

I honestly lost track of all the red flags in this relationship, and that can't be good. The worse part is this is only a 4 MONTH relationship and you have all these warning bells, and alarms with every new post.

Come on AmExp(rienced), you have got to see just a bit of what we all see.


Am I just making a big deal out of a guy who really does love me? Or is his love dangerous?

He is dangerous to you.

I have to agree, way too dangerous and the red flags are just soaring! Take a step back and re evaluate this situation as it is not healthy. You're not going to find happiness with this relationship, he acts like an 18 year old with too much anger

So did my ex!...and he went too! When we finally went together, after several sessions, the councellor pulled me aside and said I just needed to leave him. He only wanted me to see a counsellor to prove he could fix me, and he gave many reasons why his counsellor was useless, because he knew more than the councellor. According to him, his councellor talked alot of phycho babble, and just didn't know what he was talking about.

I was offline for the majority of last night, but read back and am now caught up. I just wanted to add to what Starbuck says here. He only wanted her to go to a counselor to prove he could fix her...
OMG over and over I heard how I needed to go to counseling... not that counseling is a bad thing for anyone, I have no problem with that, but this is just another way for him to gain control over you. (ie. He recommends counseling to "help" you, you think it is a supportive thing for him to do, but HE is doing it do he can have "credit for fixing you" you "owe it to HIM" that you are better and HE now has another 1 up on you and another way/reason to maniputate and control) It is a sad sad thing...

While he may appear to be loving and supporting now, as we all here have said before, it is really just tactics to gain control over you and have you under his thumb... I truly hope you can do what you have to do to get out of this situation... everything Starbuck said I can agree with, everything she has said was the same in my past relationship, seriously!. all the warning signs are there...

And what's typical of this kind of guy is that they can be quite the charmer. They'll wine you, and dine you. They'll tell you how beautiful you are. They'll even charm your friends and family to the point where they all think you're so lucky to have him.

Dangerously in love? Absolutely...

How come everyone is so quick to go to counselling when there's bugger all wrong with them except maybe other people whispering in their ears! Sounds to me like he's the one that needs counselling and possibly a doctor (the white coat kind! )

When all is said and done and everyone who has posting has given the advice you wanted you'll still be sitting alone with this guy in a room with a decision to make. You know what you have to do BECAUSE you posted here!

Right. Well as I stated in one of my previous posts, "My boyfriend is concerned that I cheated on him with my ex." While we did hang out ( not saying that was the most appropriate action) I did not do ANYTHING with him. I did an STD screening a few days ago and I am sooooo stressed about the results. Now, I do not believe I have ANYTHING, but he has stressed me to the point where I am on pins and needles thinking what if I did something and I don't remember. Ever since I told him that I saw my ex that night I have been ragged about it. I did lie to him and tell him I was with a different friend ( that was not wise either). I keep that secret for 5 days and I couldn't keep it anymore. Also, hanging with my ex that night truly made me understand that there is ZERO attraction for the guy and I can really move on without any doubts. SIGH. I created some of my mess, but I have profusely apologized.

While you may have not been totally truthful... you ARE NOT AT FAULT for his manipulative, controlling, *abusinve* behavior. Him ragging on you, having people watch you while he is gone, and all the other things mentioned are sick controlling immature behaviors that can and will lead to abuse.

Please STOP making excuses for him, (this alone proves he has already begun his brainwashing into making you feel that everything is your fault) stand up for yourself and your right to be a free woman that does not need to be watched or taught every move she makes.

You are better than this situation, you can do this!

This is the last time I chime in on this story, otherwise Starbuck8 will have my butt.

All I can say is from a guy's point of view. I would NEVER treat any girl I was with like he treats you.

Take from that what you want, that is just my take on this situation. Good luck!

There is WAY too much drama on both sides of this relationship.

You "cheat" on him (ask anyone on AMHD, emotional cheating, even if it is "just to find out if I'm over" is still cheating), he get's manipulative on you and has to know where you are at all times. You like to flirt and giggle, he wants you to be "just his" and gets freakishly obsessive when you're not. You like to wear the flirty clothes (that hey, if you have the body for and feel comfortable in WORK IT GIRL! :) ), he wants to control your wardrobe.

Way too much drama for a normal, sane, mutually trusting relationship. You know this. Yet you still rationalize.

You've heard it all, we've given tons of advice, you have everyone on your side, agreeing with your fears. Act on it. Nothing is going to change until you do.

Had to spread the rep Chicky but I agree.

It's time to stop talking and act.

You know that this is a bad relationship, we've confirmed your fear, so it's time to do what you have to do.

If you keep rationalizing everything then I guess you'll just have to learn the hard way. Hopefully you'll figure it out before it becomes physical, or worse.

We've given you what we can, either take it and run with it, or ignore it and come back in a few months to tell us that you just got out of the hospital because he beat the crap out of you, that's where this is heading, no doubt about it.

Right. Well as I stated in one of my previous posts, "My boyfriend is concerned that I cheated on him with my ex." While we did hang out ( not saying that was the most appropriate action) I did not do ANYTHING with him. I did an STD screening a few days ago and I am sooooo stressed about the results. Now, I do not believe I have ANYTHING, but he has stressed me to the point where I am on pins and needles thinking what if I did something and I don't remember. Ever since I told him that I saw my ex that night I have been ragged about it. I did lie to him and tell him I was with a different friend ( that was not wise either). I keep that secret for 5 days and I couldn't keep it anymore. Also, hanging with my ex that night truly made me understand that there is ZERO attraction for the guy and I can really move on without any doubts. SIGH. I created some of my mess, but I have profusely apologized.

You are playing right into his hands. You are "appologizing profusely," and agreeing with him that the way he is treating you must somehow be your fault! Can you not SEE THIS? He's got you questioning your own sanity, and now you are driving yourself crazy about an STD screening, because he's got you thinking you're too stupid to remember something like having sex with your ex! If God forbid you have anything, it is likely from this guy!

You need to make yourself an appointment with a good therapist, so you can figure out why you let men treat you this way. This is NOT HEALTHY! Don't worry about him. Let him deal with his own issues. His are NOT your problem, they are his. You are stuck in the mud and spinning your wheels here! The only wheel spinning going on should be when you're on your way and he's left behind you in a cloud of dust.

Dump his lousy A$$ and forget you ever knew him or anyone like him.