I am currently beginning the process of starting a private adoption search and wonder what is the best way to connect with people looking to make an adoption plan for their child that doesn't seem manipulative and nongenuine. I think that is would be in the best interest of the child if the birth family got to choose the adoptive family directly to be sure that they were comfortable with that family. I am also under the impression that in a private adoption you are choosing to give the child an opportunity to know their family roots and history both medical and personal and this would give them the information that it seems many go searching for later in life. My question is are there any situations in which the birth mother is encouraged to consider her options and allow her the time after birth to spend time with the baby before finalizing a decision. After much internet searching for adoption issues I am wondering if people who were adopted in an open situation feel more content and secure vs. all those unanswered questions. Also I have a 15 year old and 7 year old and feel our family is amazing and has room for another who would be have love, security and faith, does it seem selfish to want more when so many childless couples are searching?

Wow! Lots of questions!

First--open and semi-open adoptions are available both privately AND through agencies. You just need to let them know what kind of adoption plan you're looking for. You can let a child know their roots and medical history in an agency adoption as well--that's all discussed when you meet with the birthfamily. However--that's not ALL that adoptees go looking for later in life. Many of them just want to meet their biological parents just once, or to establish contact with a greater extended family.

I'd love a definition of what you mean by "manipulative and nongenuine".

Birthmothers should ALWAYS be encouraged to consider all of their options, and the amount of time spent with the baby after birth is usually completely up to the birthparent. You cannot finalize an adoption decision (relinquish parental rights) until after the child is born. In most states, they will not even set a court date for relinquishment until after the child is born.

I think that with the first real group of open adoption kids just reaching adulthood in the last couple of years, there is a lot of debate as to whether open adoption makes a child more content or secure. Remember, for about 80 years, you gave your child up and that was it. Many times, the child didn't even KNOW they were adopted. I'm not sure that the changes in attitude between the three types of adoptees (never knew, knew but never had contact, and knew/had contact) has been given a great depth of study as yet. The problem is, too, that many such studies are funded by adoption advocacy groups (such as adoption agencies), who aren't exactly impartial observers.

I have to ask this, really: are you ONLY looking for an infant or toddler? I can't answer your question about the selfishness of wanting to adopt--I'm in too strange a personal position to judge that. However, birthparents choose the adoptive parents for MANY reasons. Some birthparents prefer adoptive parents who already have kids, some birthparents prefer those who haven't had a chance to be a parent yet, and some just don't care.

The reason I ask about the baby thing is this: There are THOUSANDS of children in the foster care system. I firmly believe that every one of those children needs love, security and faith. Those kids are in the system for a variety of reasons, most of which have NOTHING to do with the child. Have you thought about opening your home to an older child, rather than looking for an infant or toddler?

Thanks for the answer and yes I have looked at the idea of foster care and have contacted our local department but I haven't moved forward in that area yet. I am concerned about how I will be able to work with our overburdened system here in our city. I would like to but am unsure how that will work for my current family situation and the unknowns of a child in foster care. Also what I meant about manipulative or nongenuine is how it feels to read about the people doing adoption advertising, I am not judging them but rather how I might feel in trying to genuinely convey our family life in an ad. I also have gotten a little concerned about how some adoptees and birth mothers have expressed dissatisfaction with their experience

The biggest, most important thing I would do before adopting is to see a counselor, preferably with your husband and possibly with the rest of your family.

I'm a birthmother in an open adoption. I've been working with other birthmothers for 16 years now. The biggest, absolutely hugest area of dissatisfaction for birthmothers is adoptive families not keeping their word about what they promised to get their baby. The things that adoptive parents will offer are HUGE, and are part of what helps make the choice between adoptive parents for a birthmother. Then they get the baby, and once the adoption goes through they feel like their promises were too much for them to handle, and they can't deal with seeing the birthmother every six months for a visit, or feel resentment when sending the pictures out every month. It seems to be convenient for them to just "forget" that a woman out there is crying every night missing her baby.

I KNOW all adoptive parents are not like that. I got extremely lucky with my daughter's adoptive family. Of course, I stuck to MY side of the bargain, too, and did not interfere in their lives with demands more than what were asked for at our initial meeting, either.

The biggest form of dissatisfaction I've heard of among adoptees are that their adoptive parents lied to them about the adoption (or never told them they were adopted). However, I know I do not have as much information on that part of the triad for you.

As far as the ads go---they ALL seemed fake to me. Every last one of them, to my pregnant 17 year old self, read exactly like this: We want a baby! We'll promise you anything you want and be anyone you want if you'll just give us your baby! We'd pay you for it but that's against the law, so tell us what we have to do to get your baby!" However, I was and am a cynic. You have to remember that a birthparent doesn't have the same amount of time to research adoption that an adoptive parent usually has put into it. It's not like anyone plans to become pregnant so they can be a birthmother! So they have less time to research, and less likelihood to know ALL of their rights.

As far as foster care goes---remember that you will have several unknowns in adoption, as well. If you go with a domestic adoption, you are more than likely going to have to think of the birthmother (and possibly the birthFAMILY) as part of your family for the rest of your child's life. If she's not AT birthday parties, you'll be taking pictures for her. If she's not there for holidays, you'll be taking pictures for her. It's VERY rare for birthparents to not be at least somewhat involved AFTER the adoption nowadays.

Thanks so much for all your input regarding my questions I realize I am looking for clarity in something that doesn't always have a clear answer. I also realize that each individual situation will have the unknowns and what I am trying to do is not jump in based on my desires but on what is really important to the life of the child. You have been a valuable resource into the other side . I have had numerous opportunities to talk to other adoptive parents, adoption lawyers and others with a vested interest in my adoption search. I am grateful to hear from you about what ithe birthmother experience is because I have never had that opportunity during this process. You should write a book as a guide for all involved in the adoption of a child, because in all my searchings on adoption I feel as though you have a point of view that no adoption lawyer could convey to adoptive parents in terms of their moral obligation to birthfamily. Truly appreciated.

Thanks so much for all your input regarding my questions I realize I am looking for clarity in something that doesn't always have a clear answer. I also realize that each individual situation will have the unknowns and what I am trying to do is not jump in based on my desires but on what is really important to the life of the child. You have been a valuable resource into the other side . I have had numerous opportunities to talk to other adoptive parents, adoption lawyers and others with a vested interest in my adoption search. I am grateful to hear from you about what ithe birthmother experience is because I have never had that opportunity during this process. You should write a book as a guide for all involved in the adoption of a child, because in all my searchings on adoption I feel as though you have a point of view that no adoption lawyer could convey to adoptive parents in terms of their moral obligation to birthfamily. Truly appreciated.


You have no idea what this means to me. Thank you.

I think you're going to be a wonderful adoptive parent, for what it's worth. Taking the time to research and to do what is best for the child is the best thing you COULD do.

As far as writing a book--that's far too daunting a project for me. I volunteer my time with a couple of adoption agencies, and with a few birthmother groups for support. While a book MIGHT be in my future (someday, maybe) I'd rather wait until my daughter is an adult and I can talk with her about how she'd feel about that, since it's HER story too.

Thanks again--you really made my day with this message.

Please let me know if you have any other questions I can help with!

I hope if I get to the point of speaking with a birth mother I can direct her to seek counsel and support during the decisions she faces and would appreciate your input into where she can look for that support. Keep an eye out for me down the road and good luck in your pursuits. Thanks again!