I recently remarried a man with no children. I have two of my own from a previous marriage. My husband is good with the kids. He watches them while I work (I work 12 hour night shifts) and he does love them. The problem is that he feels the need to go out and drink two nights a week. It is always the same nights, Thursday and Sunday. If I have to work he will come home an hour before I have to leave. If I am off he is always late coming home although we have dinner the same time every night.
I have tried talking to him about how his coming home late makes me feel. I told him I feel second best in his life and that he would rather be out then at home with me. I explained to him that it doesn't make me mad that he has his free time, but it is hurtful when he is over extending it all the time. He usually comes back with something sarcastic like "deal with it" or "go cuddle with the cat if your lonely" He also calls me a because I express my feelings. He will take his wedding ring off or hand me the phone and tell me to call someone who cares. I have also tried to get him to look at it from a different perspective, which is that I look forward to seeing him and spending time together. Nothing I say matters. It is like my feelings don't matter as long as he has his fun. Another thing is that he can be mean when he drinks too much, even if I don't say a word. I am starting to think I made a huge mistake.
My question is how much free time do most married people get? Am I being unrealistic when I want him to come home at a decent hour? Or when to expect him? Or should I learn to be more accepting of his behavior even though it hurts me? Please be honest. I am thinking about walking.

Free time? I am married and there is no free time.
If he was fishing or hunting, that is nice free time, but ask yourself, where does he spend his free time? You need to do what is right in your heart for yourself and your little ones. Good luck, never easy

My wife and I will trade off kid-minding duties so that we can each have nights out with our friends.

You need to let him have that time, he's watching YOUR kids 12 hours a day and not complaining from what you said. Does your husband like football? Thursday and Sunday nights are when the big NFL games are on and he probably just wants to watch them in peace.

Does he also have a job though? You never said

Some time off, yep, out drinking, no
Set time to get sitter so you both can go out drinking if he wants to go out.

Also when do you get a night off to go out, let him watch the kids a night a week ( well do it once) and see if he enjoys sitting at home then?

I recently remarried a man with no children. I have two of my own from a previous marriage. My husband is good with the kids. He watches them while I work (I work 12 hour night shifts) and he does love them. The problem is that he feels the need to go out and drink two nights a week. It is always the same nights, Thursday and Sunday. If I have to work he will come home an hour before I have to leave. If I am off he is always late coming home although we have dinner the same time every night.
I have tried talking to him about how his coming home late makes me feel. I told him I feel second best in his life and that he would rather be out then at home with me. I explained to him that it doesn't make me mad that he has his free time, but it is hurtful when he is over extending it all the time. He usually comes back with something sarcastic like "deal with it" or "go cuddle with the cat if your lonely" He also calls me a because I express my feelings. He will take his wedding ring off or hand me the phone and tell me to call someone who cares. I have also tried to get him to look at it from a different perspective, which is that I look forward to seeing him and spending time together. nothing I say matters. It is like my feelings don't matter as long as he has his fun. Another thing is that he can be mean when he drinks too much, even if I don't say a word. I am starting to think I made a huge mistake.
My question is how much free time do most married people get? Am I being unrealistic when I want him to come home at a decent hour? Or when to expect him? Or should I learn to be more accepting of his behavior even though it hurts me? Please be honest. I am thinking about walking.

Okay, red flags are popping up everywhere for me. You have told him
How it makes you feel 2nd best. He responds with...
Deal with it
Go cuddle with the cat if you are lonely
He calls you a what, because you are expressing your feelings?
Takes his wedding ring off and hands it to you
Hands you the phone and tells you to call someone who cares
He is a mean drunk

Your feelings don't count to him as long as he has his fun.
What if this was your daughter that was being treated this way. You would tell her to not walk but RUN.

He is a selfish man and "he's just not that into you" or your feelings would matter to him.

How much free time you spend away from each other is not really the important part of your problem. That is something different for every couple and what works for them. Your problem is that you are married to a first class jerk that does not care about your hurt feelings.

I would lay down the law to him in a matter of fact way. Not a threatening way, or a whiney way, I'd say, here's the deal. The time apart is not nearly as big an issue as your disrespect for me. I will not be treated this way and if there isn't a major change immediately, this is not going to work out. I don't know if it is his house, your house, or what but if it is yours, tell him he's out. The sooner you get this thing under control one way or the other, the better. Don't let your kids get real attached and don't let them see their mother being treated this way.
I wish you luck, courage, and wisdom in handling this. Be a strong woman and if he is lucky it might not be too late for him, IF he changes his selfish behavior.:cool:He behaves this way because he can. Show him what you are made of.. ;)

You need to let him have that time, he's watching YOUR kids 12 hours a day and not complaining from what you said. Does your husband like football? Thursday and Sunday nights are when the big NFL games are on and he probably just wants to watch them in peace.

does he also have a job tho? you never said

I feel you missed the point. First of all she works 12 hour NIGHT shifts. That means that most of the baby sitting time together is spent sleeping. It was not a surprise to him that she had kids. Also, not a surprise that she had to work. It IS money for the benefit of the family unit. She doesn't work 12 hours every night for her pleasure or good times. If he is dedicated to her and their new family, he would have an attitude of... how can I help and lighten your load, not I want what I want and screw you. This is so NOT about time alone or together. The problem is much larger.

This man is very immature and insensitive towards you. If a man hasn't outgrown the bar phase by 25 or marriage, then he will never grow up. You deserve better. There are plenty of men who know how to treat their wife better.

Recently married.. you should still be in the honeymoon stage .

The going out till all hours is bad enough but the attitude you get and his nastiness when he is drinking are all red flags for a future of abuse and neglect.

My BF and I are always together but If he wanted he could have one night out but only one and I would expect him to honor when he says he will be home that he will.

He sounds immature and self centered and I think you need to have a serious sit down with him when he is sober and get to the bottom of this. What does he give to the relationship,if anything?

Why can't you go out with him on theses nights?You are working 12 hours a day.. when do you get free time?

I think your last sentence says it all and walking may be the only way.

Thank you everyone for your responses. You hit the nail on the head when you said the biggest problem is the disrespect. If I got an apology once in a while or even if he acted like he cared this would be a whole different story.
I moved in with him last March. At that point in time I was finishing up my last semester of nursing school. We made an agreement at that time he could have two nights a week as long as it was within reason and he would be home in time for dinner. The part that bothers me is I don't get to spend much time with him. Now that I am back in the workforce, I am working 7p-7a and sometimes I work 11p-7a. He works Mon-Fri 8:30 a- 6:00 p and Sat from 10:00 a- 2:00 p. Every OTHER Sunday is really the only whole day that we could be off together, but this is his day. Plus, he can't even be home on time. All I want is for him to want to spend time with me and the kids also, plus be respectful of my feelings.
He can be very loving and sweet when he wants to be. The problem is that he is like Jekel and Hyde. His has worse mood swings than a woman. The things that set him off are really silly most of the time. I have asked him to watch the kids for a girls night out, but he refuses. He will watch them for me to work, but not to go out. I am going to sit down and talk to him when the timing is right. If things don't change, I will walk.

I'm a little late but I'll shoot anyway!

Walking away is never easy and I do think some of the advice jumps tothat solution as if it were no big deal.

On one hand, Thursday and Sunday out at the bar does not sound unreasonable for a guy. I can see his point of view if he is stressed or over-worked and wants to spend time with friends. Having to come home to someone constantly asking questions is in itself stressful for both parties.

On the other hand, the language he uses, in my respectful opinion, is very insulting and rude. If I may say, it sounds like a drunk returning home. Nobody should have a reasonable questioned answered in such a rude and disrespecful manner.

I believe your decision to leave goes a little deeper than just this one problem, in any event I wish you luck.