My name is Bobby and I live in Montana. My girlfriends name is Victoria and she lives in New Hampshire. We recently found out that she is pregnant with my child but she is being really strange about the whole thing. Here is a list of things that she has said:

1. When we found out that she was pregnant I told her that I was going to get a plane ticket and fly out to be with her during the pregnancy and afterwards. She told me that I'm not allowed to be around during the pregnancy because this is the only thing that's going to bring her dad out of his deep depression. She also told me that she doesn't want me in the room while she is giving birth.

2. She has made it very clear that our child will have her stepdads last name instead of mine.

3. She has mentioned that if something ever happens to her then her mother would get custody of our child instead of me.

4. She told me that when I come down with her mother 2 months before the due date then I have to go back with her mother. She said that if I don't go back then I will not be allowed at her dads house to see my newborn baby.

5. Her mother and her have both told me that I have NO rights whatsoever. They say that the baby is hers and only hers because she is the one carrying it.

What I am most concered about though is the fact that she has not eaten for 2 days or so. She recently called me crying telling me that she is so hungry she's been passing out. She lives with her dad and older brother and they have no income whatsoever. She is slightly dissabled and I honestly don't think she could handle a child. She has no job and she doesn't plan on getting on because she thinks she is supposed to take care of her dad bcause about a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I also don't have a job right now but I'm going to get one as soon as possible so I can send her money so she can eat. What should I do? How would I get custody of my child and how could I make it so the kid has my last name and not her stepdads?

You can't do anything until the child is born. Until them she's in control. What you have to do is file for joint or full custody as soon as the child is born. The court will order a DNA test and if its positive, then you will be declared the legal father and have the full rights of any father.

However, it will be difficult to get physical custody away from her, especially in infancy.

1) her choice. Sorry.
2) also her choice.
3) not true assuming you do what Scott said and file paternity.
4) while you might have rights to see the baby eventually, that doesn't come with the right to visit someone else's property.
5) That is true up until the point the baby is born. After that you can get as much right as she has.

As for the eating, has she applied for assistance? That's what food stamps are for. There are also programs for mothers such as WIC. She would almost certainly qualify.

First off, once the baby is born YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS, in fact, you have equal rights. Even though the baby is not born yet, it is not too early to start planning for filing for custody/visitation. Her actions now can foreshadow what attempts for visitation will be like in the future. As far as the name goes, you may very well have to wait until the baby is born and named and then file for a change in name. Chances are the name will be hyphenated.

First off, once the baby is born YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS, in fact, you have equal rights. Even though the baby is not born yet, it is not too early to start planning for filing for custody/visitation. Her actions now can foreshadow what attempts for visitation will be like in the future. As far as the name goes, you may very well have to wait until the baby is born and named and then file for a change in name. Chances are the name will be hyphenated.



Actually the father has no rights until he takes the mother to Court, paternity is determined and rights are awarded by the Court.

The mother will choose the name. I don't understand the "chances are" the name will be hyphenated statement. It's at the discretion of the mother. Maybe that will be her choice; maybe not. I have never seen a Court Order for a certain last name.

If she puts you on the birth certificate, you have paternal rights. If she claims you are the father and you don't dispute it, you have paternal rights. You hear about cases where women chose to forgo child support as long as the father is out of the picture. This is only because the father has not had any interest. You are the father just as much as she is the mother. You have equal rights until the court orders otherwise. The only way you would have no paternal rights is if you chose not to.

I have seen cases where the name has been disputed in court. The result was a hyphenated last name. This was determined on the basis that identifying with both families was in the best interest of the child.

If she puts you on the birth certificate, you have paternal rights. If she claims you are the father and you don't dispute it, you have paternal rights. You hear about cases where women chose to forgo child support as long as the father is out of the picture. This is only because the father has not had any interest. You are the father just as much as she is the mother. You have equal rights until the court orders otherwise. The only way you would have no paternal rights is if you chose not to.

I have seen cases where the name has been disputed in court. The result was a hyphenated last name. This was determined on the basis that identifying with both families was in the best interest of the child.

This is not entirely accurate. A father has NO rights until paternity is established and paternity cannot be established until after birth. However, once paternity is established the father has the same legal rights as any father.

In the case of a court dispute over naming its possible the court would act as a mediator and suggest or even order a hyphenated name, but those are rare cases.

If she puts you on the birth certificate, you have paternal rights. If she claims you are the father and you don't dispute it, you have paternal rights. You hear about cases where women chose to forgo child support as long as the father is out of the picture. This is only because the father has not had any interest. You are the father just as much as she is the mother. You have equal rights until the court orders otherwise. The only way you would have no paternal rights is if you chose not to.

I have seen cases where the name has been disputed in court. The result was a hyphenated last name. This was determined on the basis that identifying with both families was in the best interest of the child.


What State ordered the hyphenated last name? I was under the impression that the Courts could not do this as it would step on the rights of the mother and would like to see how the law is written. I don't know how the Court would enforce such an Order when mothers post all the time that they are CHANGING the child's last name, with or without the consent of the acknowledged father.

I don't agree that the father has automatic rights but apparently your experience in the Court system is different from mine.

ca03-988 (http://bulk.resource.org/courts.gov/states/Ark.Ct.App/ca03-988.html)

This is one example of a court case resulting in a hyphenated last name. Normally parents agree to it before a judge has to decide. It is really at the judge's discretion though.

ca03-988 (http://bulk.resource.org/courts.gov/states/Ark.Ct.App/ca03-988.html)

This is one example of a court case resulting in a hyphenated last name. Normally parents agree to it before a judge has to decide. It is really at the judge's discretion though.

Excellent research. Now cite why the name change is in the best interest of the child in this case. :)

Also, this is going to be NH law, not AR. Does such a ruling exist in NH?

ca03-988 (http://bulk.resource.org/courts.gov/states/Ark.Ct.App/ca03-988.html)

This is one example of a court case resulting in a hyphenated last name. Normally parents agree to it before a judge has to decide. It is really at the judge's discretion though.

Very interesting reading. But what you have shown is that case law exists in Arkansas. Since custody and naming issues are state laws,So this might not apply to NH. Second, under US law a person can use any name they want as long as there is no intent to defraud. So, even if the judge orders the legal name to be hyphenated, if the custodial parent wants to use her name in normal usage she can, despite the court order.

This is true, but if a judge decides that a name change is in the best interest of the child and the mother continues to use the other name, wouldn't there be an argument that the mother does not have the best interest of the child in mind?

Bobby. First of all I believe that you should find a job and establish one. Then talk to a lawyer. They can be very expensive, but like I said you can represent yourself. And with the way you have explained to me how she acts, and her mental health issues that will help you in court. If she is already acting like this chances are that she is going to do this in the future. As for her not giving the baby your name, wait to fix that. I think that once the baby is born and you establish parental rights then you should think of the name issue. Just document anything you can, it may help. It has helped with my case! :) Save up and good luck! :)

This is true, but if a judge decides that a name change is in the best interest of the child and the mother continues to use the other name, wouldn't there be an arguement that the mother does not have the best interest of the child in mind?

No it simply means that the mother disagrees with the judge about what is in the best interest of the child.

And frankly in the western social climate that currently exists, I don't see any harm in any scenario. The stigma of a bastard child or other factors just barely exists if at all. From my experience, most of the time when a mother wants to remove the father's name it to distance HERSELF more than the child, from the father. An father's, especially NCPs, want their name associated with the child to affirm the relationship. But a name matters less than the NCP's actions.

Very interesting reading. But what you have shown is that case law exists in Arkansas. Since custody and naming issues are state laws,So this might not apply to NH. Second, under US law a person can use any name they want as long as there is no intent to defraud. So, even if the judge orders the legal name to be hyphenated, if the custodial parent wants to use her name in normal usage she can, despite the court order.


Also this case didn't pass muster of the courts so its almost irrelevant. This name change was one that was agreed upon then later when the NCP wanted it changed the courts refused. So when it went under appeal they lost. So in no way is it automatic nor can easily be done.

"a rose by any other name..."

bobby. First of all i believe that you should find a job and establish one. Then talk to a lawyer. They can be very expensive, but like i said you can represent yourself. And with the way you have explained to me how she acts, and her mental health issues that will help you in court. If she is already acting like this chances are that she is going to do this in the future. As for her not giving the baby your name, wait to fix that. I think that once the baby is born and you establish parental rights then you should think of the name issue. Just document anything you can, it may help. It has helped with my case! :) Save up and good luck! :)



Where was this explained - the mental issues and so forth? I've read the whole thread and I'm not seeing it. I see allegations but I also see and believe the Court will see that the alleged father who now feels that the mother has some sort of issues apparently felt she was an acceptable sex partner less than nine months ago. Maybe birth control failed; maybe nobody bothered.

Now she has mental problems that concern him.

If you read the threads, that is how these legal arguments usually break down - he's unemployed and often an addict; she's a mental case. None of this matter when they were having sex. Now it matters.

Likewise, she thought he was a suitable candidate for fatherhood - but he has no employment.

This is another case that the Court will - hopefully - look at for the good of the child.

"a rose by any other name..."



I work with someone who has a friend and the friend has a cousin and the cousin has a cousin...

This is true, but if a judge decides that a name change is in the best interest of the child and the mother continues to use the other name, wouldn't there be an arguement that the mother does not have the best interest of the child in mind?


IF a Judge decides a "name change" is in the best interest of the child - and I would like to see the legal argument that leads to that decision - and the mother does not comply there is absolutely no law to argue. There cannot be such a decision in the first place. Again, if you know of this situation you have case law - what is it?

This is another one of those "what if" questions - anyone can claim either parent is not acting in the best interest of the child at any time. I cannot imagine a Court having the time and manpower to argue about the child's last name.

The original question - as I read it - is the rights of the father. The question is whether he has any rights until the Courts award rights to him.

I think the thread - while interesting reading - has gone far afield and into totally irrelevant areas.

I work with someone who has a friend and the friend has a cousin and the cousin has a cousin ...

... still smells as sweet... ;)

Covered and answered, and closed