Hi everyone. I am new here and seeking advice...

I am about to get married and have a small wedding ceremony in August.
The plans are coming along great, me and my partner are happy with the choices we have made.

To cut a long story short :-
I know the wedding etiquette is that the daughters side of the family however. My dad, however, passed away 5 years ago.
My mum offered to help us financially. She offered to pay more than 3 quarters of the wedding. My brother is giving a nice sum towards it and the rest is paid by us.

I have asked my partner to speak to mum and sister if they would be happy to help financially seeing as I don't have to dad to pay for it all..
He always seems unsure about that.. coming up with excuses saying they don't have a lot of money... which I don't believe. I have known his family for over 10 years. His mum travels 4 times a year and his sister isn't doing bad for her self...

Why do you think he gets all weird when I ask him?
He never likes to ask or confront his family...

Also
A few weeks back his sister also interfered in choices we made for our wedding to me.. he did not even tell her anything for pi**ing me off...
When I asked him he said ' well she didn't tell me '... 'I won't say anything unless she tells me'... he then said ' she can moan as much as she likes as we are not changing anything for no one '

Is he a ?

Hi, Mrs2b!

If this is the person to whom you're considering getting married, and if you're already having a problem with issues between the two of you, then my recommendation would be for you both to seek some guidance with a marriage counselor before you get married. Given the circumstances, it would seem logical that if some of your relatives are willing to contribute something, then his relatives should be able to also contribute at least a little bit. After all, you did say that you're going to be having a small wedding.

I always recommend that couples seek out counseling, before they get married, to make sure that everything is a "good fit" for a relationship to last a lifetime. It just seems to be a prudent thing to do nowadays.

Hopefully, others will also be along to address your question.

Thanks!

Im not having issues with him as I will support any choice he makes...

Im just wondering why he wouldn't speak up to his mum and sis?

Should I speak up myself to his mum myself?

Because he KNOWS they're not going to chip in, it's just going to start a fight, and it's not their responsibility to pay for YOUR wedding.

For that matter, it's not YOUR family's responsibility either.

It's YOUR wedding. If you can't afford something, don't do it. If someone throws a fit, offer to let them pay for that portion that they feel just HAS to be part of the wedding.

As far as you speaking to his mom--don't bother. It will just cause bad feelings.

YOU will be your fiance's family. YOU will be his number one priority. If he can't stand up to his family NOW for you, then he's never going to. If he, however, thinks that YOU are being unreasonable in even asking---well, then that's a communication problem.

You really SHOULD get marriage counseling BEFORE you actually tie the knot, and be HONEST in it.

Remember--you're going to have to deal with his family, and the way he reacts to them, for the rest of your life. Decide NOW how you want that interaction to be.

Mum offered to pay for most it.. as we were going to. But she wants to help me out seeing as my father isn't here to help.
Its very traditional were I come from and the daughters family WILL pay for the wedding...

Maybe conselling is good. Althou we spoke to a priest as part of the pre wedding plans.

So because he didn't tell his sister off for moaning to me about wedding decissions.. is that not sticking up for me?

He said - he would tell her if she brings it up to him!

I don't no

It may or may not be.

Did you stand up for yourself? Did you let her walk all over you, or did you tell her WHY she was wrong?

It's not your boyfriend's place to handle ALL of your problems with his family. But if he's THERE when something happens, it should be him that says something to them, not you.

The two of you need to decide, TOGETHER, what is acceptable behaviour from EITHER of your families.

Oh I did - believe me!
Unfortuntaley this was all on email as we live in 2 different countries. But I surely told her how I felt and explained that things are done differently here and as the wedding is held here we are following the traditions... she didn't quite understanding me. Which I suppose makes her narrow minded to brouden her ideas as he is very routine orientated.. But I said this is my wedding day and for once its MY way!

I believe he would actually stick up for me if it was face to face and we were all there..

Oh I did - believe me!
Unfortuntaley this was all on email as we live in 2 different countries. But I surely told her how I felt and explained that things are done differently here and as the wedding is held here we are following the traditions... she didn't quite understanding me. Which I suppose makes her narrow minded to brouden her ideas as his sister is very routine orientated.. But I said this is my wedding day and for once its MY way!

I believe he would actually stick up for me if it was face to face and we were all there.

I realize that it's tradition that the bride's parents pay for the wedding, but times have changed too. When my husband and I got married we paid for most everything, and when my dad offered to chip in for about 25% of it, we really appreciated it. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect anyone to cover all the expenses, and show some appreciation when people do help out.

OK, maybe I have not explained this good...
Yes I know times have moved... but I'm not from USA neither ;)
Europe has moved forward but maybe in the states is different.. so also need to consider that,

My dad died.. and my mum wants to pay for most it because she wants me, her only daughter to have a great wedding. So she is offering to help which I am very very grateful for.

It's great that your Mother is helping out of love and tradition. Your boyfriend's Mother is under no obligation to help. If she wanted to you would not have to ask, she would just offer. Do not ask her for money. It is rude and inappropriate.

If your boyfriend's sister is being too pushy, you need to tell her clearly that you have already made your decisions. You and she are becoming family and you need to learn to deal with her yourself.

The other posters were correct in suggesting conseling. It can never hurt.

Yes I know they are under no obligations...
But if they give nothing, that is so bad and rude as well I think...

Well, on the invites I'm saying - monetary would be appreciated as a gift...

Again, I am posting from a US perspective---but asking for money (or ANY gift! ) on your invitations is the tackiest thing you can do at a wedding.

I make a point of NOT giving a gift to any of the people who ask for one on their invitation.

The PROPER way to ask for money as a gift (this just amuses me, you know--that there is a proper way to do something that is really considered bad etiquette) is to let your close friends and family know that that is what you would prefer, and then have THEM spread the word to anyone who INQUIRES what you would prefer as a gift.

I'm afraid we are from 2 different worlds - USA and Europe :)

Its not the way things are done here...

Every wedding I went to in England, Spain and Malta all stated on wedding invite either for money or in england were even given a list of things the bride and groom need and then u pick a present..

Well here if u don't state on invite what u want.. you won't get anything ! So worth a shot and ask for what you want...

It's the ONLY day you can do so...

I'm surprised to hear this. What country are you from? I've been invited to Weddings in Germany, Greece and England and never been asked for money. I always give money as a wedding gift, but would be offended if someone asked for it in an invitation.

Every wedding I have been invited too ask for money here as a gift...
I don't think its rude.. it's the one day you can ask for what you want.
I have lived with my partner for years and have everything we need for our home so money is the greater option...

Weddings I have been invited to in UK give a list of gifts they want with invite and you chose from there...
So its kind of the same as you are still asking for what you want.

On invite this is what you write - Monetary would be appreciated.

This is probably a culture difference, but in the US especially, even on your wedding day, you do not get to ASK for gifts.

Ever been around a little kid at Christmas or their birthday, and they say "what did you get me?", as if they are more excited about your gift than they are about seeing you? That is EXACTLY what you are doing when you ask for gifts on your invitation.

I make it a point to give something awful to anyone who is rude enough to ask me for a gift---and I make sure it's NOT returnable (Oops! Just forgot the receipt! Sorry!). I've gone as far as giving the one person who asked for money on their invitation 2 pennies, and a book on etiquette with the appropriate pages marked and a note that says "My two cents about your invitation".

Even on your wedding day, it is rude to ASK for gifts. If someone asks YOU, it's okay to tell them what you would like, but to put it on your invitation just seems crass to me.

Its NOT rude here...

No american's are invited... so everyone won't find this tacky as its what we do here...

Mum offered to pay for most it.. as we were going to. But she wants to help me out seeing as my father isnt here to help.
Its very traditional were i come from and the daughters family WILL pay for the wedding...

Maybe conselling is good. althou we spoke to a priest as part of the pre wedding plans.

So because he didnt tell his sister off for moaning to me about wedding decissions.. is that not sticking up for me?

he said - he wud tell her if she brings it up to him!

I dont no

You keep bringing up tradition. Tradition is, the brides family pays for everything for the wedding whether both parents are present or not. It is NOT tradition for the bride to ask the grooms family to help pay or to ask for money from them. They either offer or they don't. As for his sister talking to you about wedding decisions, somewhere on this post you said she lives in a different country, so maybe to her she wasn't being rude she might have been offering an idea or trying to help. You keep bringing up cultural differences so maybe there was one between the two of you. I have lived with my fiancé for 3 years and I have learned when it comes to inlaws you need to stand up for yourself and NOT send your partner to deal with yours and the sister inlaws arguments anytime someone disagrees with you. Now if the sister in law is disrespecting you, treating you poorly for no reason, you try to fix the situation on your own with no luck, and it is starting to become a huge strain on the relationship, then you speak to your partner about it. But if his sister was just offering what she thought was a good idea or thought she was helping with the plans, but you didn't like it or can't afford it, it doesn't mean she's doing it to piss you off. Just nicely tell her "thats a great idea, but we do not have the funds for that." That gives her the window to offer to pay for whatever idea she came up with or to just say "oh okay." When it comes to his family or anyone else for that matter, wanting to discuss wedding decisions with you or offer anything, they should do it through you. The wedding is mostly for the bride, men most of the time don't care. They usually just agree with what the bride wants anyway so there really is no point in dragging your partner into what you and his sister are discussing about the wedding.


As for asking for money, I have never seen that in an invitation before. I have seen invitations with a registry (where the bride and groom pick out what they want and the guests go and buy it). I would never ask for money in an invitation. I am also from the U.S and I think it is rude and tacky, but you say it's in the norm where you live so, if it's normal then go for it. We aren't asking for anything since we already have our house and everything we need so we aren't even going to bother doing a registry. If family/friends ask us what we want/need we tell them nothing or we just say something small (depends how close the family and friends are). I see no reason to expect anything from family and friends, especially ones I have not seen in years. They bring us something that's great, if not, it does not bother me in the least. It's nice just to get everyone we haven't seen in a long time together for a happy event, catch up and enjoy ourselves. Some people turn weddings into such a huge event with too many obligations that it's a chore to even go. You shouldn't even care about who brings you what or if they give you money or pay for anything, you should just enjoy the day where everyone is witnessing a joyous event.

Thanks for the insight..

Although I think you would have to be really silly asking for nothing on your wedding day as a gift... to me it's the only day were you can do such this...

Its not point getting to facts whether its tacky or not... its not here so that's it...
I have a friend who is getting married 2 months before me and she is doing the same.. she is giving 2 opinions on the invite - gifts or monetary...

Just curious... Where are you from?

thanks for the insight..

although i think you would have to be really silly asking for nothing on your wedding day as a gift... to me its the only day were u can do such this...

Its not point getting to facts whether its tacky or not... its not here so that's it....
I have a friend who is gettin married 2 months before me and she is doing the same.. she is giving 2 opinions on the invite - gifts or monetary...

I guess this is where you and I are two very very different people. I think it's really silly that you feel your wedding day is basically a day to tell people what gifts to give you when that is not the point of having a ceremony. I'm not having my wedding just so I can ask people to buy me things or give me money,I am having my wedding because we want our family and friends to witness the two of us becoming one, sharing our vows, sharing the day with us, etc... I always thought that was what a wedding is about, not about having a "special" day where I can tell people what to buy me or give me. I would rather my focus being on the love of my life, my family, friends, and the whole event, not worry about who paid for what, who offered what, who brought a gift, who gave money...

I feel like I'm being judged here...
And I don't like it...

No one here know's anything about me. Of course I want family and friends to come to our ceremony to celebrate our love.

Its not only about the gifts or money, far from it.. However I don't need any more advice here..

Thanks

I feel like im being judged here....
and i dont like it.....

No one here know's anything about me. Ofcourse i want family and friends to come to our ceremony to celebrate our love.

Its not only about the gifts or money, far from it.. However i dont need any more advice here..

Thanks

You came here and asked for advice. That is what you were given. You only wanted to hear the things you agreed with. Just because you didn't agree with what was said, it was no reason to get snippy and rude to the others. Of course no one here knows anything about you, other than what you have told us, so don't get angry with us because we don't know what you haven't told us. We are only going on what you HAVE told us, and therefore we gave advice based on that. You got an attitude right away, and that only tells me that you know the way you are handling things are worth getting defensive over. This to me seems like the wedding is more important than the actual "marriage," which should be your first and foremost concern. It's not about the "loot" you can take away, and dictate what your guests give you. Put your energy into your marriage, and not one day of people showering you with gifts.

Excuse me, I never asked for opinions whether asking for money on invite is tacky, did I?
And where was I rude to others??

Im putting a lot of energy in the wedding mianly because I am married to my husband.. we been married 5 yrs but never had the finances to celebrate a wedding reception and honeymoon...

But OK, I admit I didn't say that earlier but everyone quickly jumped to conclusions.

If you want answers based on YOUR particular situation, then you'd better describe YOUR situation fully.

You didn't. I stand by my "jumped to" conclusions that I based on what you DID say here.

No, you didn't ask for opinions on whether money on invites was rude or not---but YOU brought that up.

Honestly--you asked for advice when you came here, and here's my advice: Grow up, little girl. Your wedding day isn't about what you get, and it's CERTAINLY not someone else's obligation to pay for it.

If I were part of your husband's family, and you'd been MARRIED for 5 years already, there's no way in HELL I'd chip in for a wedding so that you could play princess for a day.

Hahaha :D
Take a chill pill mate
Jesus!!

You judgemental person!

Gang up on me that's fine...

All you are all doing is dissing me and my choices but frankly I don't care!

If I were part of your husband's family, and you'd been MARRIED for 5 years already, there's no way in HELL I'd chip in for a wedding so that you could play princess for a day.

So fricking what!
A girl is allowed to feel like a princess for that day..

Yes... but not at someone ELSE'S expense.

You can be a princess any time you like. Just don't EXPECT someone else to pay for it, and don't be upset with them when they won't.

Who's expense?

Its me my husband and my mother who are paying for the whole wedding!
And my mum offered..

I don't understand where u see I'm wrong

Hi everyone. i am new here and seeking advice....

I have asked my partner to speak to mum and sister if they would be happy to help financially seeing as i dont have to dad to pay for it all..He always seems unsure about that.. coming up with excuses saying they dont have alot of money... which i dont believe. I have known his family for over 10 years. His mum travels 4 times a year and his sister isnt doing bad for her self....

Why do you think he gets all weird when i ask him?
He never likes to ask or confront his family...


You ask "At who's expense?" The point of your original post was that you wanted your husband to ask his mother and sister for money.

You asked for our advice. We gave freely of our time in order to offer honest opinions regarding your situation. Rather than thank us for our attempt to help you, you became incensed when we did not agree with you.

The financial situation of your in-laws is of no consequence. Tradition states that the bride's family pays.

Yes, I think it would be offensive if you asked his family to pay for your wedding.

I spent a couple years in China where they would have a "signing of the marriage license" and then save - sometimes for years - for an actual wedding. The one thing is, THEY save for the wedding, not their families.

You are a grown up. You're an adult. You shouldn't expect other people to pay for your wedding. If your Mother wants to help, wonderful. But your brother shouldn't be paying for YOUR wedding.

Ask for gifts if you want, but just like Synn, I would tend to get nothing, or the exact opposite of what you asked for.

You should feel like a princess on your day, but at your age and status, you should pay for your princess-ness.

who's expense?

its me my husband and my mother who are paying for the whole wedding!!
And my mum offered..

I dont understand where u see im wrong

Didn't you say you've already been married for five years? I'm sure I've read that. Why now do you expect all of these people to shower you with gifts? You are basically re-newing your vows! In a case like this, no one should even be expected to bring a gift period, let alone have to foot the bill because you missed your "day!"

You ask "At who's expense?" The point of your original post was that you wanted your husband to ask his mother and sister for money.

His sister told me that she thinks it is fine asking for money on the invite...

The wedding is paid for, as I previously said by ME, my husband, my mum and my brother offered to put an X amount also... I know assuming is wrong, but I thought his mum would WANT to maybe put in a small amount of money to help, maybe towards the cake?

But seems like that is too much to ask for!

You should feel like a princess on your day, but at your age and status, you should pay for your princess-ness.

I already said I am.
I am NOT asking his mum to pay for all the weddin - I haven't even spoken to her... But as respect for her own son (my partner) I assumed she would want to help, but she NEVER offers

Didn't you say you've already been married for five years? I'm sure I've read that. Why now do you expect all of these people to shower you with gifts? You are basically re-newing your vows! In a case like this, no one should even be expected to bring a gift period, let alone have to foot the bill because you missed your "day!"

For your information starbuck8 - you don't know the circumstances we got married under 5 years ago, which I don't think I should go into detail about. But there we NO reception NO gifts and NO people just my immiadate family and his... It was quite a sad day for me ( for a very good reason) so now feel I am ready to celebrate this with my family and friends - I have all the right NOW to celebrate our love and marriage, where people can enjoy an expensive wedding (which again WE are paying for) and shower us with gifts!

Our small wedding 5 years ago was a sad time for us.. and now I am ready to celebrate

The financial situation of your in-laws is of no consequence. Tradition states that the bride's family pays.

.

Is it still of tradition that my mother helps?


She offered because she wants us to have the wedding we deserved 5 years ago.

Its lack of respect I think that his mum cannot even offer to pay for something minial like the wedding cake!

But your brother shouldn't be paying for YOUR wedding.

.
Where did I say my borther is paying for MY wedding?

For your information starbuck8 - you dont know the circumstances we got married under 5 years ago, which i dont think i should go into detail about. but there we NO reception NO gifts and NO people just my immiadate family and his... It was quite a sad day for me ( for a very good reason) so now feel i am ready to celebrate this with my family and friends - i have all the right NOW to celebrate our love and marriage, where people can enjoy an expensive wedding (which again WE are paying for) and shower us with gifts!

Our small wedding 5 years ago was a sad time for us.. and now i am ready to celebrate

Again, customs or no customs. I find this to be quite selfish behaviour, and I will stick to my opinion of this. The showering of gifts should not occur 5 years after the fact. It should be a celebration of your love, and nothing more. This is not a wedding. This is a renewal of vows, in which case it isn't the fault of others that you had "NO reception," NO gifts," NO people." This was your choice, NO matter the circumstances. NO one should be obligated to pay except for you. NO one should be expected to bring gifts. NO one should have to abide by your rules, because under whatever circumstances, you "delayed" your "day" for five years. It's just that plain and simple.

If you say so...

And I'm sticking to my opinion... Its NOT a renewal of vows...
How can it a renewal of vows if there is no VICAR / Priest to do so?

This is a reception that we never had... its like a wedding with no ceremony!

I do, and I did.

This is very stubborn and inaccurate in my opinion

I do, and I did.

Are you married?
Did you get married by the side of your dying parent?

If no... then I don't think you can tell me who or what in accurate or not! Or what or who is selfish!

Just plain and simply RUDE

I will no longer entertain your responses.

Great!

>Thread Closed<
OP clearly doesn't want helpful advice and is simly being argumentative.