At what age is it inappropriate for a father to sleep with his daughter

I'm not sure it's 'wrong' or 'innapropriate', nor am I presuming either.

Without knowing the age of the child, it is hard to say. I know that after a bad dream, or a midnight wakeup, we didn't mind our small children (at the time), to jump into bed with mom and dad.

Otherwise, I can't think of a single reason for a father to be in a child's bed. I can see getting up with an older child to calm them or comfort them if they are afraid, or reading a story, getting a snack the odd time, that sort of thing. Then you tuck them in, kiss them goodnight, and get back into your own bed.

What age is this child and why is the father not in his own bed?

Please describe since there are 100's of what ifs,
On vacation, sleeping over at grandparents over weekend, child sick,

Generally, I would say when the child is getting close to puberty. But, as noted, circumstances may vary this advice greatly.

I remember sleeping between my parents... bless them... because I used to sleep walk ,but that was many years ago.

In today's society that is a very sensitive area even though all kids do it , even my own did up to about the age of nine, but of coarse all those years ago, accusations didn't arise as it was accepted as a sort of regular thing especially on a lie in on Sunday mornings.

Today probably I would say about three and maybe if possible don't even start it... which is very sad

I think if you are one of those people that let their kids sleep with you, you will note that they kind of stop on their own, like Scott said, close to puberty. We started putting our kids in their own bed at different ages. We have 4 kids the first we had him sleeping in his own bed at about 6... and every once in a while he would sneak in. Our daughter, well if given the opportunity she would still sleep with us, but she is 11 and I say enough of that. Our youngest boys have mostly always had each other, they sleep side by side in their own twin beds... they slept with us for about 4 years of their lives.

I do not see a problem unless others see a definite danger.
There are some people that like to make DRAMA where there is none. I worry about these people making something when there is nothing to make of it. I suppose it all depends on the 100 what ifs, so please tell us why you would need to know?

My daughter occasionally sleeps with me - if she can't get to sleep she'll come to our bedroom and we'll find here there when we go to bed. I take it in turns with my wife as to who sleeps with her. She is ten now. It is getting pretty rare now, which I guess follows some of the other answers. I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it much longer.

My daughter occasionally sleeps with me - if she can't get to sleep she'll come to our bedroom and we'll find here there when we go to bed. I take it in turns with my wife as to who sleeps with her. She is ten now. It is getting pretty rare now, which I guess follows some of the other answers. I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it much longer.

If the incidences are decreasing, I would let it run its course.

I'm not sure it's 'wrong' or 'innapropriate', nor am I presuming either.

Without knowing the age of the child, it is hard to say. I know that after a bad dream, or a midnight wakeup, we didn't mind our small children (at the time), to jump into bed with mom and dad.

Otherwise, I can't think of a single reason for a father to be in a child's bed. I can see getting up with an older child to calm them or comfort them if they are afraid, or reading a story, getting a snack the odd time, that sort of thing. Then you tuck them in, kiss them goodnight, and get back into your own bed.

What age is this child and why is the father not in his own bed?

Thanks for your response. I guess I should have been more thourough with the question. I have been with my fiancé for over three years now and he has a daughter going to be 12 years old in march. There has never been a problem with her sleeping in her own bed up until about two months ago. We get along fine and I never interfere with father daughter time, and there has never been any issues between her and I before. Just all of a sudden she refuses to sleep alone in her bed and continuously through the night if my fiancé tries to come back to our room, she wakes up and gets him back out again. She says she's not scared or anything. Up until a couple weeks ago she played the tummy ache act wich I immediately saw right through. Now she says she just needs the closness of him near her. She is very babied and her mentallity seems very immature to me, Ive raised two kids myself so I know most of these games. We started dropping her off at her mothers house at night at bedtime because I refuse to play this. Ive suggested counseling for her, but niether parent has made the effort to do so. I think it's a game, and I really don't think a father should be sleeping in a 12 year olds bed. Daughter or not. Am I being wrong here?

You are absolutely correct, beyond a doubt, 100%.

It is innapropriate, and unnecessary for a father to sleep with his 12 year old, and your solution of dropping her off at her mother's at night, is a really wise move.

I think when she matures a bit, she will realize that she doesn't want her father sleeping with her, because people would think she was a baby, and 13 years old or thereabouts, they think they are adults, and want to be seen as that.

I doubt that anybody would disagree with your decision. Perhaps the parent's reluctance is that they too know that any professional hearing that would also be hearing alarm bells at the same time. NOT that he is doing anything innapropriate whatsoever, but it would be addressed as an issue that needed immediate resolve for all concerned.

It may be sooner than you think that she will decide to abide by the house rules and sleep by herself and not disturb her father, or you. But, until that happens, I'd say stick to your guns, you're doing the right thing in my opinion.

I am going through almost the same thing only I moved out and the daughter is almost 14 and in 8th grade. It's ridiculous and is a control game with them. She does some other inappropriate things but the whole sleeping with daddy creeps me out. Your taking her to her mom's house is exactly what I proposed! Right on. Don't let her put a wedge between you guys, it ended up ruining my relationship.

I think this is a case of he is my property ang you can go away syndrome .
She may seem babyfied but do not be fooled she is playing the both of you.
At 12 years old I find this not appropriate and no not because of any other reason than she is old enough to know that her father can not share her bed.
Your partner is encouraging her by giving in.

You may think there is no problem, but there clearly is. Dad needs to explain that he is now sharing his life with you as he used to share it with her mother. This will not affect his feelings for her, but her interfering with that relationship may.

You might want to consider family counseling.

It almost seems as if there is a reason WHY she is needing this from him. Besides the fact that her parents split up and live in separate homes, is there anything that may have happened in recent times?
I agree with you, she is feeding off her dad giving in. She may be competing with you, what does your husband plan on doing about it?

Please describe since there are 100's of what ifs,
on vacation, sleeping over at grandparents over weekend, child sick,

She is not sick or scared and hasn't ever had a problem sleeping alone in the three years I've been with her father. She is going to be 12 years old in march. We get along fine, but two months ago she refuses to let her dad sleep in my room. She either wants him on the couch where she can see him or have him sleep directly with her. She can be sound asleep in her bed, but if she hears the sound of him coming back to bed she's up again. For weeks she was pulling I have a tummy ache bit, but I have two grown kids of my own and new that wasn't the problem. She's been talked to and says she just wants her dads closness when she sleeps. Again this problem only started a couple months ago. They have lots of father daughter time alone together and I don't interfere with it one bit, so I don't see it's that she all of a sudden misses him so severely. I suggested counseling for her, but niether parent has followed through. We have started dropping her off at her moms house at bedtime now, and she continues to let her sleep with her at night. Don't know what else I can do to solve this issue, if there's not much cooperation from the mother and I have to fight tooth and nail to get her father to see the problem and that I'm not just picking on her. But I refuse to watch a father sleep with a 12 year old daughter even though I'm 100% sure nothing wrong is happening. I just believe they need to teach her to grow up a bit and stop babying her so much.

I think if you are one of those people that let their kids sleep with you, you will note that they kinda stop on their own, like Scott said, close to puberty. We started putting our kids in their own bed at different ages. We have 4 kids the first we had him sleeping in his own bed at about 6.....and every once in a while he would sneak in. Our daughter, well if given the opportunity she would still sleep with us, but she is 11 and I say enough of that. our youngest boys have mostly always had each other, they sleep side by side in their own twin beds...they slept with us for about 4 years of their lives.

I do not see a problem unless others see a definite danger.
There are some people that like to make DRAMA where there is none. I worry about these people making something when there is nothing to make of it. I suppose it all depends on the 100 what ifs, so please tell us why you would need to know??

My problem with this issue is that his daughter is going to be 12 years old this march and in the three years I've been with him this problem hasn't started until a couple months ago. She will sleep in her bed as long as she can see him sleeping on the couch from her bed, but the second he gets up to go to our room, she's up again getting him back up. She's not sick, scared or uncomfortable in our house and I would have expected these issues to happen right away three years ago. I find this very weird and I refuse to let a father sleep in the same room as his 12 year old daughter. Nothing funny of course is going on, but if anyone new about this that would be the first thing to come to mind. We have started dropping her off at her moms at bedtime now and she allows her to sleep with her wich doesn't help matters at all, but I do find it different than her father sleeping with her, I just don't feel that's appropriate. Especially if this problem has just started at the age of 12

This child is being allowed to manipulate her parents and it's reduculous. Stand your ground and don't allow him to go running to her whims, especially since this is a fairly recent behavior. Kids will manipulate their parents in many different ways, this being one of them. This 12 year old needs to be put back in her place within the family, and it certainly isn't sleeping beside her father at night...

At 12 years of age she is too old to be sleeping with her father,even if her maturity is less than that of a 12yr.old.

She is old enough to deal with whatever issues are bothering her and she is old enough to be able to communicate her feelings verbally.She is too old for hand holding and this type of coddling.
There should be a discussion and she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she is a young lady and as such she needs to act it.
If her behavior has suddenly changed I would look at this more closely and try to determine the reason why.Something may be happening or has happened to her to make her feel this insecurity.
I think a serious discussion is in order and I think your fiancé needs to understand that babying her in this way is not solving any problem.You need to get to the root of the problem.

I happen to think something happened to her. THAT doesn't mean you should let her have her dad sleep where she can see him. I agree to stop all of that, but I do suspect she isn't saying what is REALLY wrong. I say look into it further, have a heart to heart with her, tell her this is unacceptable, is there something else that you could do to help her? Tell her that you are there for her if she feels the need to talk, and as far as you and dad are concerned you are willing to help, just not in the way she wants. You are doing a great job... you just need to get more info out of her. Something happened and changed her behavior!

She is certainly too old to be sleeping with her father. But this is obviously a last ditch plea to have him focus on her. It's painful for children when their parents remarry, they tend to grasp for something they can control.

Have you considered how frightening this whole situation and change is for her?

I do not think this is from the divorce, I think something has happened recently...
You say she started acting like this about three months ago? You also said you married her dad three years ago, so I suppose it has to be something else, unless she is just figuring out all the problems that come along with a broken home.. I urge you to try and find out what it is.;)

I don't think it's the divorce and reamarriage if this has just started. Get her counseling before it grows into some monster that disrupts the entire family.

She is certainly too old to be sleeping with her father. But this is obviously a last ditch plea to have him focus on her. It's painful for children when their parents remarry, they tend to grasp for something they can control.

Have you considered how frightening this whole situation and change is for her?

I am a person that grew up in a divorced family since I was 5 and my own children who are now adults went through my divorce as children also, so I do know how it can be first hand. The situation at hand isn't that she doesn't get enough attention from her father, he is at all times doting on her, and doing one on one activities with her. If this is a case of divorce trauma, why didn't this start happening three years ago when the divorce happened? A three year delay in that reaction is quite odd don't you think? I think it's a case of attention getting from the two parents and she figured out the game of playing parent against parent. I did it when I was a kid and so did mine, and I have also been a step-parent in my last relationship I had of 8 years and she did it too. So I by all means have been through all the divorce trauma kids play at all angels here. The situation I'm in now is that she realizes she's no longer the baby and still wants to act like a 6 year old in all ways. Even as far as still sucking her thumb and playing with baby dolls. I think she needs to be taught to be a young lady now, not a baby. I have a 7 year old grandaughter that when they're together, she acts just like the 7 year old. Sorry but I don't find that normal behaviour for a 12 year old. Part of parenting I believe is you need to teach adult behaviour at a certain age, not give in to treating them childlike their whole life. They need to learn life skills as well even though no matter how old our children are, we always love them as much as when they WERE babies.

Right on sister.

You are pinning the tail on the donkey per se. As parents we need to guide or children into adulthood so they are self sufficient, independent successful citizens. By coddling them and keeping them younger than their age is detrimental and just plain irresponsible. The last thing they need is to be grown women who are needy, selfish and hard to have relationships with. They will suffer long term if you don't get this gal over this hump. If she is sucking her thumb.. she really needs some professional help, it's obvious..

Right on sister.

You are pinning the tail on the donkey per se. As parents we need to guide or children into adulthood so they are self sufficient, independant successful citizens. By coddling them and keeping them younger than their age is detrimental and just plain irresponsible. The last thing they need is to be grown women who are needy, selfish and hard to have relationships with. They will suffer long term if you don't get this gal over this hump. If she is sucking her thumb..she really needs some professional help, it's obvious..

Thanks much for the input. Now if I could only get her father to see that without him saying I'm picking on her.

I've gone through this and my ex said I was jealous of his daughter. Don't buy into any of their pittiful excuses, the girl is growing up and needs to be guided in the right direction. I think there are a lot of parents that feel guilty for whatever reason and this type of thing is what happens.

I've gone through this and my ex said I was jealous of his daughter. Don't buy into any of their pittiful excuses, the girl is growing up and needs to be guided in the right direction. I think there are a lot of parents that feel guilty for whatever reason and this type of thing is what happens.

I was called the "outside party" in all this to top it all off! I understand I'm just a step-parent but I WILL have a say in what effects my life too. I basically told him if he doesn't think I do, then we have to go our separate ways. I don't want to deal with unresolved issues like this when she's a teenager and out of control. Your right by saying they have every excuse in the book too! It takes weeks to try to solve any problems and by the time their addressed, I'm at the point of giving up and so angry. Then he says I always get sooooo mad! Being the so called outside party, its real easy to see these issues and know there's a problem. I just don't believe a 12 year old needs to START having to sleep with a parent, and have the mom and dad think that sucking her thumb and acting like she's 7 is appropriate and never will. I guess I call it lazy parenting thinking all of this will just up and stop all by itself one day. Its OK to tell your child no or stop it. They will get over it.

I left. I couldn't take it, I ended up resenting everyone so now they can live their weird lives in peace and can sleep together until the cows come home, I just won't have to watch it or have it cause so much turmoil in my life.

I was called the "outside party" in all this to top it all off! I understand im just a step-parent but I WILL have a say in what effects my life too. I basically told him if he doesnt think I do, then we have to go our separate ways. I dont want to deal with unresolved issues like this when shes a teenager and out of control. your right by saying they have every excuse in the book too! It takes weeks to try to solve any problems and by the time their addressed, im at the point of giving up and so angry. Then he says i always get sooooo mad! Being the so called outside party, its real easy to see these issues and know theres a problem. I just dont believe a 12 year old needs to START having to sleep with a parent, and have the mom and dad think that sucking her thumb and acting like shes 7 is appropriate and never will. I guess I call it lazy parenting thinking all of this will just up and stop all by itself one day. Its ok to tell your child no or stop it. They will get over it.

You are the outside party. You're marrying into a family that is already formed. So if this is coming up now, it's going to be a pretty good representation of how things are going to be in the marriage. It sounds like your fiancé is pretty firmly on his daughter's side. And to a certain extent, that's a really good thing.

I don't think this is a reaction to the divorce. She obviously dealt with that over the last few years. I think this is a reaction to what she sees as an invasion into a family that has already split up once. In her mind, even if she likes you as a person, she's going to have to share her dad with you. And I doubt she's a big fan of that idea.

This isn't about lazy parenting. This is about a little girl who lost her sense of security three years ago. And now she's going to lose her place (in her mind at least) at her father's side. So of course she's going to freak out a bit.

Im not an outside party in my own home. And if the father trusts me enough to be with me he should be able to trust my input on what's appropriate behaviour or not. Ive raised two kids and been a step parent before, I'm not stupid. So your basically saying is that after three years of establishing a relationship here with the father and his child, I should let a 12 year old decide what's best for herself and act anyway she darn well pleases? If she sits her alone with me and wants to smoke pot, I don't have any say in that manner either? She has a home at her mothers house and we have one here. It won't always be the same rules or go her way. Its just different. Both homes have the child's best interests at hand and are trying to do what's best for her. But a child doesn't rule the roost. The adults do.Teaching a 12 year old not to suck her thumb anymore, and act like a young lady, and not START wanting to sleep with a father, having rules is being a caring parent. Teaching kids to grow up and act like adults comes with being a parent too. Step or not, that's a part of a family too.

Im not an outside party in my own home. and if the father trusts me enough to be with me he should be able to trust my input on whats appropriate behaviour or not. Ive raised two kids and been a step parent before, im not stupid. So your basically saying is that after three years of establishing a relationship here with the father and his child, i should let a 12 year old decide whats best for herself and act anyway she darn well pleases? If she sits her alone with me and wants to smoke pot, I dont have any say in that manner either? She has a home at her mothers house and we have one here. It wont always be the same rules or go her way. Its just different. Both homes have the childs best interests at hand and are trying to do whats best for her. but a child doesnt rule the roost. the adults do.Teaching a 12 year old not to suck her thumb anymore, and act like a young lady, and not START wanting to sleep with a father, having rules is being a careing parent. Teaching kids to grow up and act like adults comes with being a parent too. step or not, thats a part of a family too.

You're not an outside party in your own home, you're an outside party in his parental relationship with his daughter. Step-parenting is thankless work.

It's not up to you to decide how she should behave. I agree that her behavior should be curbed. But it needs to be curbed by her father, if and when he decides to stand up. But that's not up to you. And you'll be a part of the family whether she likes it or not once you marry her father. But for now you aren't even legally married to her father. So unfortunately, you have even less say than a step-parent.

You're not an outside party in your own home, you're an outside party in his parental relationship with his daughter. Step-parenting is thankless work.

It's not up to you to decide how she should behave. I agree that her behavior should be curbed. But it needs to be curbed by her father, if and when he decides to stand up. But that's not up to you. And you'll be a part of the family whether she likes it or not once you marry her father. But for now you aren't even legally married to her father. So unfortunately, you have even less say than a step-parent.

You've obviously never dealt with a stituation like this before and probably not even a parent. I guess its always easier to pass judgement on other peoples situations without ever having dealt with it. I see a little girl that has some serious issues that need to be addressed and I won't sit by and just watch it. Its like the person watching a child being beaten and some people will turn the other cheek and say oh well, its not MY kid. If they can't see there's a problem I feel really sorry for them when she's a teenager, and if my fiancé doesn't like my input, he knows where the door is, and so far he hasn't used it.

Youve obviously never dealt with a stituation like this before and probably not even a parent. i guess its always easier to pass judgement on other peoples situations without ever having dealt with it. I see a little girl that has some serious issues that need to be addressed and I wont sit by and just watch it. Its like the person watching a child being beaten and some people will turn the other cheek and say oh well, its not MY kid. If they can't see theres a problem I feel really sorry for them when shes a teenager, and if my fiance doesnt like my input, he knows where the door is, and so far he hasnt used it.

I'm not passing judgement. However, if that's what you want... we could start with the fact that you've done this before so you should know what you're getting into.

I have actually dealt with situations like this before, not as the step-parent though. You talk in this post as if you're looking out for the child, as if this is perfectly benevolent. But your other posts deal more with annoyance at the situation. I understand your frustration, but try to remember that this is a child who was completely uprooted by the divorce. And now she is scared to death of having to share her father and having her family split once more.

The same "knows where the door is" illustration applies to you too. This is the situation you're marrying into. There is a child that is in pain and not expressing it appropriately. There is a father who would (according to you) rather coddle his daughter than deal with behavioral issues. So if that is not a situation you agree with, it's up to you to get out while you can rather than spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to an (again, your words) out of control daughter and coddling father.

And BTW, I am a parent. And a divorced parent to boot. So I can feel your pain on the remarriage thing. But I've also been on the child's side. My parents split when I was a teenager. And I've watched my little sisters get dragged through my parents' bad choices of subsequent partners and how they dealt with blending families.

And to clarify, I know what I have replied might have seemed cold to you, but I'm trying to remind you that you're not dealing with another adult here. You're dealing with a child that has real pain and real emotions and doesn't know how to manage those things like an adult should. So you can't expect that. And of course the father is going to side with his little girl and be defensive about his parenting choices. That's natural too. I was only trying to offer some perspective.

Hello whoknowsit... I'm just wondering, having read the thread through, does she sleep between you both, or is it that your not allowed into the bed once the daughter gets in.

I must say I do find it odd that this situation has only develop over the last few months. There must have been a trigger.

Her father must see that this is not healthy for her, yourselves or to any on looker from the outside.

Please forgive me for suggesting this, are you absolutely concrete certain that the father daughter relationship is exactly that?

At 12 years old she would be going to senior school so would be fully aware of the birds and the bees etc. etc.

I think you must continue you stance on this issue, whether it's by asking the father to make a firm stand not allowing it or you both decide to accompany her to a counciller where she can air her fears and thoughts.

If she can see that you are a couple together in everything you do, no matter how hard she tries to come between, maybe eventually she might realise that she'd like you all to be a family and not just her dad and herself.

Time will tell, but you must stand firm together.

When I was younger I slept with my parents. Only because my father was in the army and I loved when he was home but hated when he was gone. So when he was home I tried to soap up as must time as possible with him. Of course this made my mom furious, now I understand why, and she used to kick me out her bed when possible. Mom used to say "go to your own room with your own bed and my dad would say "let her stay". My dad never did anything out the ordinary to me I was just a daddy's girl.

However, I think this girl don't like you because if she preferred for him to sleep on the couch then with you, this proves the point. However, I think this is the father battle and he needs to set boundaries and deal with the issue with you by his side. Right now she sees you as the enemy and her view of you needs to change. Also, keep in mind that you never know what she's hearing from the mother, if anything.

But for now your fiancé need to step up but he won't do that because he sees nothing wrong so before he can or willing to do anything his views on the issue at hand must change. Until then nothing will change or be done. So you can scream and shout all you want but in the end nothing will change. Change starts with the father.

I do not think that whoknowsit is out of line whatsoever. Either in her assessment of the situation, or that she is EQUAL in the decisions made within the family. Like it or not, she IS family.

Maybe step-parents fail so often is that they take a backseat, and presume the position of second class citizen?

There is nothing simple about raising a child. Especially a maniuplative one, who by the very nature of the beast, will do strange and stressful things even without realizing why. They are creative and if they try hard enough, somebody will give.

If all parents saw each other each as a PARENT instead of varying and lesser degress of same, and could collectively agree that none is the wiser of the other, or that one has more or less influence over their 'status', everybody would likely come to the conclusion that the best course of action is quite obvious.

To take a commitment on with eyes wide open, and know that your life will never be the same, and challenges will test you to the core, is when, surely, the father and the girl's mother can muster up the resolve to be adults, AND parent the child- all together.

To do otherwise polarizes all the adults, feeds into the deception and has everyone spinning their wheels and getting nothing accomplished.

First the bed, then the real fun starts with the teenage years. I'd be putting the ground rules down now, and insisting that the parents at least negotiate what needs to be done so that consistency rules the day.

When that happens, these little games will stop. The child has the clout of a Gold Card with an unlimited balance, and it's time to take that hammer away.

If all parents saw eachother each as a PARENT instead of varying and lesser degress of same, and could collectively agree that none is the wiser of the other, or that one has more or less influence over their 'status', everybody would likely come to the conclusion that the best course of action is quite obvious.

To do otherwise polarizes all the adults, feeds into the deception and has everyone spinning their wheels and getting nothing accomplished.



I guess this is just the essential point where we disagree. I don't see how at this point, the original poster is a parent of this girl. A concerned adult, yes. A member of the father's household, yes. Someone who is planning on one day being a parent, yes. But currently a parent, no.

Jake2008, from the posts I read, including what I wrote, I don't think nobody said the op was out of line.

Yes, she is the stepparent but the issues is really with the father. Her fiancé sees nothing wrong with the issue at hand so right now this puts them on two separate pages. They need to be on the same page. Until he is willing to deal with the problem and see this is really an issue she can say anything she wants but her concerns are falling on deaf ears.

I've a daughter and a stepson and I know one thing that when it comes to parenting both perents most work as team and deal with issues that occur together. This applies when you're a stepparent too and a stepparent input should be listen to too.

I've a daughter and a stepson and I know one thing that when it comes to parenting both perents most work as team and deal with issues that occur together. This applies when your a stepparent too and a stepparent input should be listen to too.

Exactly. But so far she is not yet married into this family. But her fiancé is making it quite clear that she is not a team member. This is a point where she needs to find out where she's going to stand in the family. If he won't put his foot down and make sure that she's respected then this might not be the best choice for her.

(This is not directed to you Liz) However, we need to remember that this child has had her family torn apart and now is looking at the prospect of having her father (in her mind) stolen from her. So a little compassion is important. From what I've read here, the child is not being overtly disrespectful. She is having a hard time sleeping by herself and is showing some major developmental setbacks in the form of thumb sucking and the like.

Major family and individual counseling might be called for. This little girl is begging for attention.

It is complicated, I certainly agree. But, how do we define a parent or step-parent, in relation to any parent, in this particular child's life.

While I agree that the father needs to step up here and back up his mate, he is caught between a rock and a hard place, and all the adults are floundering while little missy rules both roosts.

Looking from the outside in, I see no success for changing the behaviour of this little girl, now or in the future, (I think we are only seeing the beginning of what is likely to become a long list of issues), without all the adults being equal in input and decision making. I don't see one as being more authoritative than the other; all have equal responsibilities toward the goal of raising a healthy child.

I do think Liz, and Slingshot, that we all agree that the adults need to tackle this head-on, and put their differences aside. It can be done. Even if all the adults can agree that each has a genuine, equal say in how the parenting is to take place, a common ground will avoid so much heartache in the future.

While the father has to step up, what is to say that the two women can't get together- is that possible? Maybe with some mediation, or unbiased third party?

It is complicated, I certainly agree. But, how do we define a parent or step-parent, in relation to any parent, in this particular child's life.

Alrighty. I have a lot of respect for your opinion and agree on everything else. So I'll just agree to disagree on whether she can be a parent in this case without actually being married to the child's father.

However, I think your idea of the ladies getting together is an excellent one. I hope that when my ex-husband remarries, his new wife will be willing to cooperate with me. She can have my ex-hubby (and I'll thank her for it if she makes him happy) but I want to make sure that our child has consistency in all of his houses.

Ok. I can now feel at peace with the consensus of this thread. :D

When I was younger I slept with my parents. Only because my father was in the army and I loved when he was home but hated when he was gone. So when he was home I tried to soap up as must time as possible with him. Of course this made my mom furious, now I understand why, and she used to kick me out her bed when possible. mom used to say "go to your own room with your own bed and my dad would say "let her stay". My dad never did anything out the ordinary to me I was just a daddy's girl.

However, I think this girl don't like you because if she preferred for him to sleep on the couch then with you, this proves the point. However, I think this is the father battle and he needs to set boundaries and deal with the issue with you by his side. Right now she sees you as the enemy and her view of you needs to change. Also, keep in mind that you never know what she's hearing from the mother, if anything.

But for now your fiance need to step up but he won't do that because he sees nothing wrong so before he can or willing to do anything his views on the issue at hand must change. Until then nothing will change or be done. So you can scream and shout all you want but in the end nothing will change. Change starts with the father.

Thanks for the reply, but this weekend has made a world of difference. We sat down with her and found out it isn't severe divorce trauma, jelously issues with me, and nothing "bad "per say happened to her. Even being the outsider pushing resolution issues on this matter, we at least found a reason for the unusual behaviour from her. Her mother has been pretty much ignoring her and leaving her at friends houses sometimes 3-5 days at a time without her dads knowledge, while she enjoys her new found single freedom. I guess that has been making her worry that her dad would start doing the same. So my pressure on this issue has worked, and dad doesn't have to feel guilty for causing any of this on his part of a divorce. His daughter and I do have a nice relationship, she's just worried we'll start forgetting about her too. So I guess I'm not really a evil future step parent as some have accused, I was concerned and now the problem can beging to be resolved. Will I step up in the future when unusual behaviour occurs? Absolutley! And we don't have to be worried about being accused of pedifillia in this house, as a natural reaction is to a dad sleeping with a 12 year old, cause she understands now its not appropriate and daddy still loves her very much. He's a good father and would never do anything to hurt her in any way.I guess even though I don't have the so called legal paper work that tells me I have a right to care, I still will continue to do so. Thanks for the input.

AWSOME, you stuck with it and you found out. You are a better woman than most to understand and not get your feelings hurt over this. You were the ADULT an she stayed the CHILD... you did a wonderful job. I am proud o you:)

It is a sticky wicket.

I wish I knew the little girl well enough to know that she hasn't suddenly developed a very effective hammer to wedge between her father and his new mate.

On the flip side, perhaps there is something manifesting here that needs addressed regarding her behaviour. What else has gone on- trouble at school, with friends as well?

What I cannot quite get is how anything constructive will happen when all three adults are not with the same program. If the father/mother/daughter were to receive help and/or decide on a course of action, where does that leave the step-parent. If the step parent and mate decide on a course of action appropriate to their circumstances, where does this leave the mother.

And we are only addressing opinions on one current 'new' problem with the bed thing. What happens with the next issue, or any issue for that matter.

I cannot see how one adult can be exempt from being equally involved.

What am I missing.

thanks for the reply, but this weekend has made a world of difference. we sat down with her and found out it isnt severe divorce trauma, jelously issues with me, and nothing "bad "per say happened to her. even being the outsider pushing resolution issues on this matter, we at least found a reason for the unusual behaviour from her. Her mother has been pretty much ignoring her and leaving her at friends houses sometimes 3-5 days at a time without her dads knowledge, while she enjoys her new found single freedom. I guess that has been making her worry that her dad would start doing the same. so my pressure on this issue has worked, and dad doesnt have to feel guilty for causing any of this on his part of a divorce. his daughter and i do have a nice relationship, shes just worried we'll start forgetting about her too. so i guess im not really a evil future step parent as some have accused, i was concerned and now the problem can beging to be resolved. will i step up in the future when unusual behaviour occurs? absolutley! and we dont have to be worried about being accused of pedifillia in this house, as a natural reaction is to a dad sleeping with a 12 year old, cause she understands now its not appropriate and daddy still loves her very much. hes a good father and would never do anything to hurt her in any way.I guess even though i dont have the so called legal paper work that tells me i have a right to care, i still will continue to do so. thanks for the input.

Did you see this post? She is identifying the problem!

she understands now its not appropriate and daddy still loves her very much. hes a good father and would never do anything to hurt her in any way.I guess even though i dont have the so called legal paper work that tells me i have a right to care, i still will continue to do so. thanks for the input.

Great news. One doesn't need any legal paperwork to have a right to care about another sentient being. However, not having the legal paperwork, may inhibit what you can do about it.

Thank you StartOver22,

I did miss that post!

Really happy that it has all worked out. :D