My husband is verbally abusive, disrespectful, and degrading to me in public. He doesn't care if it is people he works with, our friends, his family, or total strangers. How do I deal with this? I have tried to tell him his behavior is hurtful, "but if I was not so stupid, he wouldn't have to talk to me like a child.":mad::confused::confused:

Is this a new thing? When did it begin?

It has been going on since I had a back injury and became disabled. I no longer make big bucks! He will not allow me to buy a $5 item without asking him. Control and greed

Everything was fine before your injury? No abuse at all?

If he starts, correct him right there, don't let him do it and get away with it

He had developed a tendency to lie and use me to make himself look good a couple of years prior to the accident. But by no means as cruel as he is now. I used to ignore him, but now I say something back about him being rude, or tell him if he doesn't stop it, I will remove myself from the situation. Now I am p-----! I want some comebacks and I want to let him have it.

PS I agree! Go, Obama!

He had developed a tendency to lie and use me to make himself look good a couple of years prior to the accident.
Apparently, he has raised the bar on making himself look good, and is outdoing himself with cruelty.

How dependent are you physically on him?

Very little. He wouldn't be there for me anyway. A friend had to take me to have the surgery "because he didn't want to miss work." I was out on pain medication for three days immediately after, and he remembered to feed and water the dogs, but not me.

Very little. He wouldn't be there for me anyway. A friend had to take me to have the surgery "because he didn't want to miss work." I was out on pain medication for three days immediately after, and he remembered to feed and water the dogs, but not me.
Would he give you money for a few counseling sessions?

No, but his insurance is VERY good, and I have an appointment next week.

No, but his insurance is VERY good, and I have an appointment next week.
Oh, goody, goody! He may be asked to come in for a session or two. Would he?

Get out, now.
Trust me.
It will get worse.

Communication
Communication
Communication

You need to tell your husband straight that the way he is treating you and talking to you is 100% not on and you are not going to put up with it or him acting the way he does.


"but if I was not so stupid, he wouldn't have to talk to me like a child."

You need to let him no that you two are married and equals in this relationship and that he is not your master.

I know it is hard but you need to really stand up to this or you could find things just get worse.

I would get the police involved with this. It seems to me like he is very controlling, mis- understanding, and doesn't care about your particular needs. If you cannot leave his side--- make him drink and then he will be much more calm. I don't mean to be rude and cruel in this "drinking" situation, but it always worked with my dad whenever he got testy!

I do not want to give you a RED but NO - No and NO NO NO again :confused:

Please do not start him drinking.

There is never any excuse or justification for verbal abuse.It is just as painful as a slap across the face.

It is a violation of marriage vows and an insult to the integrity of you and your union.

If he is trying to embarrass you in public ,he is actually making a fool out of himself.The next time he pulls a stunt in public I would ask his audience *Isn't it wonderful the way my husband speaks to me*?
Hopefully someone will answer and speak in your defense.

Below is a link I think you must read. Do not ever accept this kind of treatment,it has a tendency to escalate.

Intimate Partner Abuse Screen (http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/ipas.html?gclid=CODbicK9qJgCFQu-GgodGwZmoA)

The drinking suggestion is appreciated but not practical. This man is a recovering alcoholic and has not drank in about ten years. He and liquor were not pretty!
Getting out is all well and good, but I am 52 years old with major back pro blems.
As far as him going with me to a therapists, he has gone to two different therapists with me. He put on a show for a female therapists, and I was just a lazy . With a male therapists, he was very verbal and irate with therapists, and me. He would make up lies, grit his teeth, and yell at us both. Therapist said he was a woman hater.

I really want to thank each of you for your support!

The drinking suggestion is appreciated but not practical. This man is a recovering alcoholic and has not drank in about ten years. He and liquor were not pretty!
Getting out is all well and good, but I am 52 years old with major back pro blems.
As far as him going with me to a therapists, he has gone to two different therapists with me. He put on a show for a female therapists, and I was just a lazy . With a male therapists, he was very verbal and irate with therapists, and me. He would make up lies, grit his teeth, and yell at us both. Therapist said he was a woman hater.
So what did the therapists suggest you do?

The woman suggested I show more appreciation and do things to please him. The man told me to go to a safe house.

How do I add picture to my profile? Is it possible to IM on this site or are there group discussions? You have been so good to me. Thank you

The woman therapist said THAT?? Good grief!! I hope you spit in her eye!

My Profile -> Your Control Panel -> Settings & Options -> Edit Photo.

The rest should be easy if you have ever downloaded a photo before.

I like you! I would have liked to give her a swift kick in the booty! Your sense of humor makes me feel better.

(Pssst. I'm a counselor when I'm not a librarian--and even then I'm a counselor... )

How do I deal with this? I have tried to tell him his behavior is hurtful, "but if I was not so stupid, he wouldn't have to talk to me like a child."
Suggestion: Don't be upset and teary-eyed. He's playing a control game, one-upping you. What do you think would be your reaction that he would least expect and would most be shocked by? What would knock him off his pins? Tell me what you think.

LOL! And an Obama supporter, too. I am a rarity here in the South, and I don't mean the south side of Chicago. Incidentally, I have been there.

I was born and raised in NC and western NY; parents were from ID and IL.

Now, tell me. How could you react to his put-downs in a way he would least expect and would give you the upper hand (in a good way so that he wouldn't want to punch you out)?

If I can stay calm, and make him look like a fool and a jerk with some amount of class, he will be embarrassed enough to stop.

If I can stay calm, and make him look like a fool and a jerk with some amount of class, he will be embarrassed enough to stop.
Use humor somehow? Look him straight in the eye (bullies HATE to be looked at), smile sweetly, and say, "Jack, you are soooooooooo adorable when you get like that," then turn to someone else to continue a conversation. If others laugh at that, that will quiet him fast.

Could you do it? -- be classy or use humor, stay calm?

Yes, the remark will have to be a bit more believable than to work.

One thing for sure you putting up with his bad behavior will invite more, as you have noticed.

He needs some time away from you to bring back his appreciation, and good manners. Do you have a place to go, for say a week??

The idea is to give him a taste of what he would be missing, and motivate some change to get you back, and keep you. If his efforts are not enough, stay longer. After a while of peace, you may not want him back.

The separation will help you both.

Below is a link I think you must read. Do not ever accept this kind of treatment,it has a tendency to escalate.

Intimate Partner Abuse Screen (http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/ipas.html?gclid=CODbicK9qJgCFQu-GgodGwZmoA)[/QUOTE]


Thank you for this link

Yes, I could get away, but he woud scream about the money I used for gas, and any other money I spent! Even the miles on my car. Believe me, if I were financially able, I would not put up with his crap. The hell of it is, I always made more money than him until my accident five years ago.

He's imprisoned you! He has total control over you! He's a control hungry jerk. I'm sorry about your circumstance about your injury. Maybe, ask a someone you can trust to drive you. I will pray for your happiness.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I do feel very much imprisoned. Imagine a carpet of eggshells and me.

Do you want to continue to deal with his abuse?

no

Then don't! Let him scream, you be gone.

Please explain how I do this as a disabled person with no income. I am 52 years old and have worked and made decent money all my life. I have put every penny I had into our home. What am I supposed to do? Walk away and lose everything I have worked my butt off for?

Please explain how I do this as a disabled person with no income. I am 52 years old and have worked and made decent money all my life. I have put every penny I had into our home. What am I supposed to do? Walk away and lose everything I have worked my butt off for?
Well, what are the choices? Leave or stay, right? If you leave, you say you lose will everything. (I'm not so sure that is correct -- but more on that soon.) If you stay, are you strong enough to be able to change so that he will hopefully change too? It will have to happen in small steps probably, but you have to change how you deal with him and react to him so he isn't always mopping up the floor with you.

Have you ever looked up the phone number of a women's shelter in your area or the number for a crisis hotline? If so, have you ever called? The person at the other end would be able to advise you about what would happen if you left your house and would know some of the legalities regarding property ownership. I'm not a lawyer, but suspect that everything you and your husband have accumulated during your marriage is half yours.

Perhaps you should begin the process to get social security disability.It takes time but you may qualify for something now.Maybe even short term disability until full disability kicks in.

I can see where you feel stuck and I understand not wanting to give up your home and everything you have worked for.

Is there any work you could do now in your home so that you are not completely dependent on him?

Maybe babysitting or catering.

Perhaps you could advertise to do light cleaning a few times a week.

Its hard to offer suggestions as I don't know the extent of your disability.

I would get the ball rolling on disability and in the meantime ,make an apt. for yourself in the basement or attic and just move out as much as your physically can and don't let him get into your head.

I have filed for disability. I filed two weeks ago. I understand it takes 3 - 5 months to get an answer.

I have filed for disability. I filed two weeks ago. I understand it takes 3 - 5 months to get an answer.


On another post you are seeking employment. I'm sure you are aware that if you FIND employment you no longer have a disability claim.

Work out of your home IS income-producing work.

Yes, I am aware of that. However, you are allowed to make a certain amount of $ and receive disability, too. I am not able to work full time, but obviously, can type.

Are there laws about spouse abuse where you are??

[QUOTE=Comments on this post
verbattered52 disagrees: Felt this answer was rather catty.QUOTE]



First, read the rules of the site concerning "approve" and "disapprove."

Secondly, when you post one set of circumstances on one thread and another set on another thread, expect someone to notice.

It's not the least bit unusual for someone to read other posts in order to get a sense of the OP and, in fact, other people have received greenies for it.

As far as the legality of working from home and collecting disability - you cannot be working when you file for SSD or else you aren't disabled. I'm not aware of any private insurance policy that pays for partial disability. I'd like to know more about the company you are going through.

So I don't understand your attitude.

I'm guessing he's probably insecure, which is why he tried to make himself look good at first. And now he's probably more insecure that you're not making as much money, maybe he's afraid he can't provide. Or he's just a big jerk. Either one. No matter what, he should NEVER talk to you like that and you need to stand up for yourself, even if that means leaving. Since your not very dependent on him, you'll do fine. Maybe he thinks you're dependent on him, so he feels he can say whatever, do whatever, and it won't matter because you can't leave. Which, if you need to, you can.

Judy Kay
Please understand I am trapped because of a lack of income. I had back surgery in 2004 due to an accident, and the surgery was unsuccessful. I have chronic pain not only in my back but in my pelvic bone, my butt and right leg. I also have nerve damage in right arm due to a broken elbow, and then we can throw in carpel tunnel and depression. I am desperate! I couldn't pay for an attorney, nor do I have a place to go. Do you understand more about me now?
, I apologize.

Are you coming up with a plan yet?

No, but I am trying. I'm also getting pretty verbal with him and not letting him talk to me with disrespect. However, I am still in a position where I have to ASK for gas money, etc.

No, but I am trying. I'm also getting pretty verbal with him and not letting him talk to me with disrespect. However, I am still in a position where I have to ASK for gas money, etc.
Don't yell and scream. Just use as few words as necessary and be reasonable and calm and firm -- like a third grade teacher talking with her male students whom she caught looking at the artists' portraits of naked ladies in the encyclopedia.

I am not a screamer. Here's a good example of what I mean. We went to dinner with his family. I told him before we left if one disrespectful comment came out of his mouth during dinner the war was on. I told him I was not going to sit there without dishing the crap back and I didn't think he really wanted ME to air our dirty laundry.

I think that is how I would have handled it.
I WARN first and then that's it! You warned him and then bring out the cannon if he wants to light the fuse. He has to learn that you are not a door mat and you will not sit there and take it any more.
Next stage: Refuse to go anywhere with him.

Since he's acting like a child, yes, treat him like one. Warn, then if he screws up, follow through.

I'm glad you are acting and not just reacting.

Thank you for everything!

Thank you for everything!
Stay in touch! Be calm and reasonable, but firm and consistent. Remember, he's acting like a 2 y/o, so deal with him accordingly when he acts like that.

Thank you, and please keep in touch, as well.

Thank you, and please keep in touch, as well.
You've come a long way. I'm proud of you and glad we met.

I had a very bad week. He is been especially cruel and nasty this week. I have literally been nautious, had loss of appetite, diahrea, and had no energy. I know these are sympoms of depression and anxiety and I am taking medicine for both. I could not concentrate on reading, had no motivation or energy to attempt any physical task, and was visibly shaky. What a terrible feeling.

My dear, you don't deserve this. You must find a way out.

Your body is sending you some very strong signals. This is a stroke or heart attack waiting to happen(heaven forbid).

He is clearly aware of how he is hurting you.Is he gleaning pleasure from this? Its like he is punishing you for something.

You need to get out.. get away.. and let him find another punching bag for his aggression and anger.

Try not to give in to depression as it will make you give up the fight and fight you must for your sanity and dignity.

Stay strong and get away from this abuse!

You give me the same advise I would give anyone else. It's easier said than done. I do not want to go to some shelter, and I have nowhere else to go.

You have just said that it is easier said than done, but IMO there is no reason to put up with abusive behavior. The first time you are a victim, after that you are a volunteer and you allow it.
You need to leave this man. Love yourself more than the false sense of security staying there may bring.
I wish you well.

Everyone says leave. Can someone tell my how, where to go, and how to support myself?

Everyone says leave. Can someone tell my how, where to go, and how to support myself?


Everyone has not advised you to leave. If that is your decision, then you find a job - you have posted you are disabled but have coverage which allows you to collect and work part-time - and then the rest falls into place.

Everyone has done their very best to advise you and I don't know what you expect anyone to say that hasn't already been said.

Everyone says leave. Can someone tell my how, where to go, and how to support myself?


If you have no where to go or anyone to stay with you can always go to a shelter or start looking around for a place.

Do what you feel like you are able to do when you feel you are ready. I understand it's scary to be in your position. My husband likes to make disrespectful comments around other family members, so I do understand some of what you are going through.

First you are not stupid, everybody makes mistakes but nobody deserves to be disrepected and belittled. You need to talk to your husband and see what the problem so you all can resolve it yourselves. I know you love him but believe me I've been through this before and it is very stressful. If you don't resolve it now you will be very drained. While I was in the same situation not only did it weigh heavy on me but I became very sick from the stress. At 20 yrs old (many yrs ago) I developed "Shingles" from the stress and my hair began to fall out. The Shingles run up and down your nerves and sends shocking pains in that area, not a very good feeling. Get out if this situation if he's not willing to change, for your own health. If he truly loves you as his wife then he'll work through this for the sake of you all future. I hope I helped a little!

At 20 yrs old (many yrs ago) I developed "Shingles" from the stress and my hair began to fall out. The Shingles run up and down your nerves and sends shocking pains in that area, not a very good feeling. Get out if this situation if he's not willing to change, for your own health. If he truly loves you as his wife then he'll work through this for the sake of you all future. I hope i helped a little!


I'm sorry you went through this but shingles is not caused by stress. Shingles is caused by the same virus - varicella zoster virus - which also causes chickenpox. The virus remains in your central nervous system, dormant (without symptoms). When the virus becomes active again, it causes the symptoms of shingles. No one is sure why the virus becomes active. However, it does seem to be linked to a weakened immune system, such as in people who are ill (such as with cancer or HIV), have had major surgery.

This virus is in the same family as herpes.