Hi. I just got out of a relationship that was wrong because I left for college in August and it just wasn't right. I thought I loved the girl but I had to let her go. I also broke up with a girl almost exactly a year ago when I was a senior in high school. She was my "first love" and I broke up because her best friend, who was considerably better looking than her, always flirted with me and me, being a 17 year old senior in high school flirted back and broke my ex gf's heart because of it and we broke up because of her best friend. I haven't realized until recently how bad I regret doing that to her and because I was so upset about my recent break up, I realized that the older break up and girl mean more to me than the more recent one. I just started talking to last years break up girl over the internet as I am two hours away and apologized, showed her how I have changed, and told her I regretted it all. She has been dating another guy for nearly a year now, but did not mention him once in the messages, even though I said I am happy for her and asked how things were going. She told me straight up she wished that her best friend would have gotten out of our lives sooner and wonders how things would have gone if that would have happened. She said she still wonders about it sometimes. I am asking for ways that I should proceed in trying to either find out if she wants to try again, or try to win her back. I am not going to try to break her up with her boyfriend, but if she decides to then fine, and I will move in, but I want to keep her close and wait and if she seems like she wants to try again, like she does now, then I will definitely give it a shot. She was so happy when I told her that all the things her best friend told her about me was a lie and that I was sorry that she almost cried and to me and my buddy, she seems like she regrets it not going as far as it could because of her friend. She flirts online, she doesn't mention her boyfriend, she seems like she regrets it not going as far as it could, to me those are signs she wants to possibly try again in the future. Is there any specific way I could go with this? (for the record the friend that used to be her best friend is now gone. They don't talk on the count that she treats everyone like so my ex girlfriend just gave up on her.)

Though I will tell you flat out, you have to decide how to go about all this, on account that you know her better then we do.

That in mind, you may want to just be her friend again. People that grow together, stay together. People that burst into flams, burn out sooner. Sorry, I got to work on that one. At any rate, just try being her friend, and see how that goes for a bit. Also, tell her about something personal,and lean into her personal life. You know do some home work. Haha, last thing we ever want to think about is that when it comes to dating.

Best way to lead into her personal life, ask her about her goals, and what she thought see'd be doing now when she was in high school. That should get you an idea what she wants in life too, and if you want that, or not.

Any who, good luck.

Well of couse her and her so called friends aren't no longer friends, I wouldn't be.

Maybe the two of you would end up together or maybe not.

To be honest, I wouldn't take you back nor back you back after what you did. Then you have the nerve to say the friend was better looking. I couldn't believe you said that.

Also, it seems that the two of you are placing all the blame on the friend but your to blame too. You could've said no but maybe with your being young and naïve that was the outcome.

Right now she could be liking the attention from you but I wouldn't make it my goal to win her back because she is involve with someone but if it is meant to be than it will be.

Well yes liz it was my fault. I do not believe her friend is better looking now.. I thought that back when I was a senior in high school with one thing on my mind and there it was right in front of me. It was also my friends ex and that was the time he was being an so I saw getting with her getting back at him too. I told my ex I was an idiot and she was happy I was saying sorry. Yes it is her friends fault, but its my fault for giving in... 100%. Not a day goes by that I don't regret it and I have changed big time for the better. I have had my fun (summer of my senior year and beginning of college) and I found out it wasn't that big of a deal compared to being with someone you love. Honestly I don't expect them to break up, or for us to date any time soon because I was a jackass, and because I am two hours away but I can tell she still has feelings for me. If I showed you the messages and you knew her personally you would agree, my friend who knows her did. If she doesn't take me back I don't blame her... but the way she is talking is she realizes it could have gone much farther, and she was upset because her I guess you can say ex-best friend told her I said that she wasn't my first love and all that and it really upset her. I told her I NEVER said that and she will always be my first love and she almost cried she was so happy... but like I said I doubt it will happen in the near future but it will always be there that's all I'm trying to accomplish here. If they break up or she realizes things aren't the same with her boyfriend now, as they were with me when it was good because we dated for 6 months and the first 5 were perfect, maybe she will call me or whatever. If not then yeah it wasn't meant to be. Nothing I can do it was my fault it ended and the most I can do is not make that mistake in the future. As for the whole her friend looking better... I know now that because of who she is and how I feel she is the most beautiful girl on the face of the earth compared to whoever... carmen elektra idc lol that's what I feel now... to me her friend is the ugliest lowest thing I've ever seen considering she's pregnant, smokes, and is not going to college.

I think it hypocritical to not want to cause a break up, while continuing to pursue someone you want. Do you think she'll leave, if you don't keep talking to her? Come on college boy, you are trying to break them up, so just be straight about it.

Your relationship couldn't withstand outside influence before, so what has changed?

I'm no expert like talaniman, but hey I've got to agree.

You keep on talking to her hoping she'll see you the way she did when you were dating and break up with her boyfriend so she can get back together with you.

It isn't such a nice thing to do, but I understand you're point of view.

If you really love her, ask her how she feels with her current boyfriend. Ask deep questions. If she appears happy, then let her go. If you really love her you will let her go and move on.

Look on the bright side, you've cleared your conscience by appologizing to her. Well done, I'm sure it took some amount of courage to do that, but are you sure that you didn't do it just to get another chance with her?

Think well about the issue, and if you love her, think of her interests more than yours.

Take care,

-Xm8

Every one I think what Master chief is trying to say is, he wants to be with her, but he doesn't want her to break up with some one she maybe really happy with. Also he is curious if she and he could work out now that he is older, and more mature. (I didn't say mature, on account I don't believe any one to be mature. Since we all do things we regreat, and if you don't, then you either don't care about anything, or you are ignorent; in that you choose to focus on one side of any give situation and not the other.)

Once again Master chief, if you can be her friend, nothing more, nothing less; then you may have a better relation ship just being friends, or maybe it will grow to something more. The important thing is, your life is yours, her's is her's; and when/ if she askes you for help... If you can't be there for her, and let her make her choices, then you should not be with her. Because even if you give "sound"/"good" advice if you do it more for you, then you aren't ready to be with her. Trust me, I found this out the hard way, and hurt a few people that I loved, and still love but never talk to. Same kind of thing as you're in.

Be comfortable with yourself, love yourself, care about yourself, and forgive yourself.

Weather you have to forgive yourself for hurting others, or hurting yourself. Focus on trusting yourself, and getting to know yourself, while being friends with her. Maybe you will be with her, but maybe not.

I realizes how dumb that may sound, but when you figure it all out, you'll understand what I mean.

Also, your anger at her ex best friend, missplaced it is. You assume that things are cut and dry, black and white; however, blind you are by your misstake, and blam her you do for losing your ex. That is not very nice, since you made a choice, and to hurt some one else? Be aware of what you are saying and how truly contraditory it is, but also forgive yourself for being human and only being able to see with in the realm of your perspective.

Yes, I suggest you grow a little more intouch with yourself, and learn to be honest with yourself. If these things you do, then learn the same for others will you. Feelings are good to be mindful of, but beaware also that simply acting on feelings, is dangerous. Can get us into things we are not ready for.

Just be careful. "Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, and dont' put up with others being reckless with yours." - "everybody's free to wear sunscree."


Peace be with you.

Yeah I see what you all are saying... talaniman in all honestly yes I do want them to break up but it is not something that I am pursuing to cause. I am not that kind of person. I am not THAT big of an lol. I think that what my main goal is, is to be there as friends. She told me she misses me. Misses hanging with me and talking to me. I want to be there as friends right now. And should things between them go wrong, I can show her that I am there for her, that I am there to help her and that I care for her. At that time if things go wrong I will not jump forward obviously... if anything were to happen it would be a while after they broke up but when girls break up, it is when they realize the one that cares that is there even when they don't feel that same as that guy does about them. Or at least it was with this girl. I am not going to cuase it, not feed her stories, not try to get her to like me but I will be there. What will most likely happen, because of how insecure the guy she is with is, he will do the breaking up work on his own because he will flip when he finds out we are talking. I will make clear that my intention isn't anything of liking her, I haven't hinted that I might want to try us again nor has she directly, but I can tell. I will be a close friend and I will always be there for her because I want her to be happy. I know I like her that much because its OK for me to be on the sidelines watching as long as she's happy and maybe one day she might see that she was happier with me. If she is happier with him that I will gladly stay good friends. I just want to make it clear my intention isn't to break them up. I would never do that.

Your intentions sound so noble, but your actions are not. Sorry, sugarcoating it is not my style. If you really cared that she was happy, you would bow out the whole situation, leaving her alone to do as she will, without your continued influence at all. Your undermining her relationship, and she is letting you. That's not healthy. Its deceit.

Your presence will be a confusion, and distraction for her relationship, until you leave her alone.

That friend stuff is just an excuse to stay in her life, and just think, how you would feel if your girl wasn't that focused on you, because the ex was blah-blahing in her ear.

Keep it real, your only fooling yourself and will have to stand responsible for your own actions, and the consequences of those actions.

I don't expect you to know exactly how this situation is. I have been in this situation with her before and I never tried to break them up. Do I think that it would be better for me yes. Do I think that it would be better for all parties concerned to "blah blah" as you put it in her ear? no. I will never try to "reminisce" and get her to think that she is better off with me. I am into the whole "letting people figure things out for themselves" thing. I let girls go and if they come back it may be real. I don't force things. I have tried that and it only ends up bad. I have learned my lesson with that. I am not staying in her life so I can break them up, or have "un-noble" intentions. I was best friends with her before we dated and I told her I didn't want to lose that if we ever dated and I didn't and I don't. If it works than it works. I will leave her alone about us, we are talking about random , like her not having a car, possibly hanging out, stuff like that... not oh yeah I remember when and yeah we were so happy I loved you a lot. I am not stupid. I am not ignorant, nor arrogant enough to sit there and try to plant the idea of us getting back together again in her head. I will answer questions honestly, help her with her boyfriend right now and show her that I am just as content as her friend than as her boyfriend. I am not in love with her. I have feelings for her still... and they can become more if it gets to that but I am not in love with her right now. I am not going to try to get with her because I "cant stop thinking about her" or whatever it is in the movie theater and what people talk about when they post on here. I can deal with my feelings and bury them if need be. Ive done it before and ill do it again. All I am asking is for suggestions on how I should proceed if that time where between her and her boyfriend ever go wrong, not to be told my intentions are "un-noble" and I am a big enough prick to braek them up.

you would bow out the whole situation

100% agree with this.

You need to sit yourself down and have a long think of what your actions are doing and what you want to do.

Do you really want a relationship on the rebound ?

How do you think this person would view you and what you want if they where reading what you want, and maybe willing to take there happiness away?


You need to find something in my eyes with out all the strings.

i dont expect you to know exactly how this situation is. i have been in this situation with her before and i never tried to break them up. Do i think that it would be better for me yes. Do i think that it would be better for all parties concerned to "blah blah" as you put it in her ear? no. I will never try to "reminisce" and get her to think that she is better off with me. I am into the whole "letting people figure things out for themselves" thing. I let girls go and if they come back it may be real. I dont force things. I have tried that and it only ends up bad. I have learned my lesson with that. I am not staying in her life so i can break them up, or have "un-noble" intentions. I was best friends with her before we dated and i told her i didnt want to lose that if we ever dated and i didnt and i dont. if it works than it works. I will leave her alone about us, we are talking about random , like her not having a car, possibly hanging out, stuff like that...not oh yeah i remember when and yeah we were so happy i loved you alot. I am not stupid. I am not ignorant, nor arrogant enough to sit there and try to plant the idea of us getting back together again in her head. I will answer questions honestly, help her with her bf right now and show her that i am just as content as her friend than as her bf. I am not in love with her. I have feelings for her still....and they can become more if it gets to that but i am not in love with her right now. I am not going to try to get with her becuase I "cant stop thinking about her" or whatever it is in the movie theater and what people talk about when they post on here. I can deal with my feelings and bury them if need be. Ive done it before and ill do it again. All i am asking is for suggestions on how i should proceed if that time where between her and her bf ever go wrong, not to be told my intentions are "un-noble" and i am a big enough prick to braek them up.

Master chief, relax brother. You have to live your life, what does it matter what we here say?

Do you really want to know how to proceed? Do what you would want the other guy to do if he were in your shoes and you in his... And if you think you're winning her back, remember she's not an object to be won. She is a women, who will make her own choices about what she wants.

"Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” - yoda

You sound very angery, and I'm going to guess it's due to fear.
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”-yoda

What are you afraid of? Your question implies it maybe that you will miss your chance with her again. I know this all sounds dumb/lame/ annoying/ wrong but that my friend is up to you to decide, how to interpret what I say.

Peace and kindess.

P.S. If it makes you feel better I'm in a similar situation. Love a girl but she is with some one else, and I'm very close with her. We don't really talk much but I still think about her all the time. I just want her to be happy, so I keep my feelings to myself. I try to "be there for her", but I know I shouldn't. I'm sure she knows how I feel...

Well mate.. your thread is titled "How to win her back".

You came here to ask on how to get her back, because that's what you want. So don't tell us you're just standing by and waiting for her to "magically" realise she was happier with you.

What you're doing is perfectly normal and a lot of guys would do the same thing in your shoes - but hold on a sec brother.

Put yourself in the shoes of this girl's boyfriend. How would you like it if some ex boyfriend came up and starting planting seeds in your girlfriend's brain. I'm pretty damn sure you'd start becoming worried.

You're just creating a burden on that guy's shoulders, and who knows, she might break it off with him just to find out that maybe she doesn't want you after all.

What I, and all the others on the forum advise you to do is just simply stand aside and act as a normal friend. You are not to try and win her back. If she decides to break it off with her current boy friend and take another chance with you, then she will. She is an indipendant women and right now she calls the shots.

Remember, if she comes back to you, good for you. If she doesn't, let her go if you really love her.

Peace and take care,

-Xm8

Your right. I am getting frustrated and I'm sorry. I just don't like being told that my intentions are to break them up when their not. Would I like to see it... obviously... but it is not in my interests to cause it. In fact that was one of the first things I said to myself, and my friend who is kind of watching this whole thing. I want her for myself yes... but I do realize that I let her best friend into my head and screwed everything up myself. It wasn't the best friends fault it was mine. I am frustrated at my predicament and that I put myself here. Yes... I think that I love her.. I mean I did... and I am getting feelings again but I don't think that I am in love with her just yet.. ive only talked to her online... maybe if I see her a few times when I go home then yeah that might happen.

I put "how to win her back" as a general theme at the start of this... in the beginning I wanted to do that but I thought about it and with your guys help I realize that is stupid and to let her do it herself. She really really seems like she wants to try again.. two other people have said the same thing... and know her well... but I am not going to force it. My question now is, because I am getting mixed answers on here, and the people around me, should I tell her how I feel or act like nothing is going on? Some people say I should tell her how I feel so she knows but that I will let it go because I want her to be happy, and some other people say that I should just be a friend and nothing more and see what happens, perhaps wait until they break up if that happens.

Get your own life without her in it, and you wont be confused, or waiting for her to break up.

Waiting for someone to think, and feel, as you do is a waste of time, and not being honest with yourself about your motives is deceptive as well. You really need to see the difference between your intentions, and your actions, as for sure, there are consequences to them both.

You need enough strict No Contact to see the reality, and if your friends, you will still be friends whether she is in a relationship, or not. You never lose a friend, but friendship like all things changes in life, and you have to make adjustments, whatever that is. Your holding on, and not letting go, so nothing can grow. Only confusion and chaos, and a lot of false hope.

Whats most telling about this whole post, is you not answering a simple question.



Put yourself in the shoes of this girl's boyfriend. How would you like it if some ex boyfriend came up and starting planting seeds in your girlfriend's brain? I'm pretty damn sure you'd start becoming worried.
You're just creating a burden on that guy's shoulders, and who knows, she might break it off with him just to find out that maybe she doesn't want you after all.

And


That friend stuff is just an excuse to stay in her life, and just think, how you would feel if your girl wasn't that focused on you, because the ex was blah-blahing in her ear?



And your response is..?

You may not intend to break them up, but your sure trying, and hoping aren't you? Well try hoping from a distance, a long distance, as when good intentions become a reality, its intentional.

Another question, my well intentioned friend, what is all this friendly talk between friends about, and don't you think your in the friend zone, and you wanting her back will keep you there??

Or is she feeding you false hope to keep you confused and close, in case she does break up with this fellow??

Yes I see what you are saying definitely. I need to let it go and if she breaks up with him let her do it on her own and choose to be with me or not and I can't try to speed up the process or make it happen period. I know that she feels the same... I know that she feels like it could have gone farther and it could have really gone somewhere if her friend wasn't there. I still take responsibility for it but... I know it would have gotten somewhere. She said she knows it too. She says she still thinks of if it could have been different and her friend gone. I KNOW she still feels it because of that sense of something being unfinished. That it isn't done with because it wasn't completely our faults. Her friend literally was the reason we fought. She told one of us lies about the other all the time. Her friend admitted it when I was talking to her after "the break up". I think that is why I care because my ex girlfriend tells it how it is. I expected her to say yes I think things could have been different but I am with my boyfriend now and I am happy so it worked out and you'll find someone. Instead she says she wishes it could have been different, wishes we would have worked out meaning she would have never got with her boyfriend now. I really do think she wants to try again and still has the feelings, but I also think that her boyfriend now represents a sort of security I can't give her. I am two hours away at college, and her parents are pissed at me for what her ex-bestfriend told her and them, and my parents are pissed at her for the way she treated me before her ex-best friend was involved... that was solved but besides the point. We both said we should hang out and who cares what our parents say because she said she wants to so it doenst matter... but she I think with her boyfriend now has it easy because there's no parent drama, no distance, and she has been with him for a year so obviously she's comfortable. Like I said in an earlier post, she has not said a word about her boyfriend yet and its been two days, so I think that she is getting tired of him because he is a very insecure boyfriend, and obsessive. I don't know if he is anymore but. To me it seems like we had our problems but she liked me more than she likes him... so she wants to try again in the future. I do realize there's nothing I can do about it and I can't really be a really good friend.. as I am two hours away so its not like I am going to flirt etc... I guess all I can really do is wait and see how this stuff unfolds... maybe I will find out more about how her and her boyfriend are doing involuntarily because she will just tell me one day. Who knows. But I guess all I can do is chill and wait.

It makes me mad that I am a freshman in college, when I go out every weekend, I bring home a girl for me and my roommate as he is a bit of a nerd (lol) and I am sitting here thinking about a girl that is two hours away. O well. It'll go away eventually. I hope.

Look at "Break up survival Guide" listed at top. It was created by Ash the relationship guru:-)

yes i see what you are saying definitely. I need to let it go and if she breaks up with him let her do it on her own and choose to be with me or not and i can't try to speed up the process or make it happen period. I know that she feels the same...I know that she feels like it could have gone farther and it could have really gone somewhere if her friend wasnt there. I still take responsibility for it but...i know it would have gotten somewhere. She said she knows it too. She says she still thinks of if it could have been different and her friend gone. I KNOW she still feels it because of that sense of something being unfinished. That it isnt done with because it wasnt completely our faults. Her friend literally was the reason we fought. She told one of us lies about the other all the time. Her friend admitted it when i was talking to her after "the break up". I think that is why i care becuase my ex gf tells it how it is. I expected her to say yes i think things could have been different but i am with my bf now and i am happy so it worked out and you'll find someone. Instead she says she wishes it could have been different, wishes we would have worked out meaning she would have never got with her bf now. I really do think she wants to try again and still has the feelings, but i also think that her bf now represents a sort of security i can't give her. I am two hours away at college, and her parents are pissed at me for what her ex-bestfriend told her and them, and my parents are pissed at her for the way she treated me before her ex-best friend was involved...that was solved but besides the point. We both said we should hang out and who cares what our parents say because she said she wants to so it doenst matter...but she i think with her bf now has it easy because theres no parent drama, no distance, and she has been with him for a year so obviously shes comfortable. Like i said in an earlier post, she has not said a word about her bf yet and its been two days, so i think that she is getting tired of him becuase he is a very insecure boyfriend, and obsessive. I dont know if he is anymore but. To me it seems like we had our problems but she liked me more than she likes him...so she wants to try again in the future. I do realize theres nothing i can do about it and I can't really be a really good friend..as i am two hours away so its not like i am going to flirt etc....i guess all i can really do is wait and see how this stuff unfolds...maybe i will find out more about how her and her bf are doing involuntarily because she will just tell me one day. who knows. But i guess all i can do is chill and wait.

It makes me mad that I am a freshman in college, when i go out every weekend, i bring home a girl for me and my roommate as he is a bit of a nerd (lol) and i am sitting here thinking about a girl that is two hours away. O well. itll go away eventually. I hope.

A word of caution brother. Bringing home girls every weekend doesn't really sound like some one who is ready to commit too much of any thing in the way of a relationship.

Also, you say one thing like," It's my fault." then you say," That it isnt done with because it wasnt completely our faults. Her friend literally was the reason we fought. She told one of us lies about the other all the time." Dude, you have to "MAN UP" and realise, that either you choose to act on some one else's words(her ex BF) , or you simply ignored some one else's (your EX's). Either way YOU chose how to act in any case. I'm sorry this is harsh but the reason was not HER EX BF! YOU and HER were fully capable of working any lies out, but you acted on fear, and doubt. You may want to take a long hard look at that... “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”- YODA He is a great relationship counseler, let me tell you.

You have a lot of things to work on, just like we all do. Do as you will but becareful what you wish... you just might get it. Then find you regreat it.

Peace and kindness be with you.

Ha yeah I guess yoda is a relationship counselor. Well here is where I stand. I stand at assuming she is happy. I haven't been able to see if they are doing well or bad or not but I am assuming they are OK. I do still have feelings for her obviously and I do really want her to be happy even if its not with me. She is still a senior in high school and this guy is trying to play hockey for a team that is going to put him nowhere from what I hear... he is my age, 19, and going nowhere. He dated my best friend and was obsessive, insecure etc. I even heard from one of his friends that italk to that he is doing it with the girl he is dating now, my ex girlfriend. I am not sure if she cares but... besides the point. To me I think if she is talking to me the way she is, instead of blowing it off yeah were friends great end o story, and is telling me she wishes it would have worked between us and she will never regret us being together and we had some great times and she thinks about what if her friend was never there etc that she will eventually break up with this guy. If you truly loved someone you would not tell your ex whatever that you wish that it would have worked between you and them. Unless that's just me I'm not sure. I don't agree with the no contact thing I think that is stupid. I can hide my feelings for her and not say a word until she realizes she may want to be with me. If she doesn't.. thats fine... there are other girls. I will be friends with her just like is planned. To me, and others, it seems as if she still has feelings... but I do not want to jeopardize anything (my chances with her in the future if that happens, also her happiness now). I am not a bad guy. This guy she is dating was all over my ex when I was with her near the end. That was when it was bad and I'm sure my ex was too but I obviously have some sour feelings towards him but I am not going to make him a complete emotional wreck for my own benefit especially because I am 2 hours away from her. I plan to wait by, but not truly wait and hope everyday and be upset over her but always have that maybe one day but now isn't right attitude. I will never try to manipulate their relationship for my own benefit. Two reasons. One as I stated I don't want to bring anyone from where they are to below the ground emotionally and have them not even know why or whose fault it is. If it happens I want it to be his fault not mine. And two I don't think that, in the future, she would appreciate me doing that.

The reason I bring girls back to my dorm every weekend is not because I am not ready for a relationship. I would throw it away for one because I like being in a relationship, have that sense of companionship, maybe even love, more than some girl who is a one night thing. Yeah its fun but that goes only so far and can do only so much. I have had my fun and now I am ready to committ to something. I have been getting with different girls every other week (minus being in relationships) since my junior year in high school and it gets boring. I want someone to be there for me like I am for them. If she ever realizes she wants to be with me, or if she breaks up with him and eventually wants to be with me then I will tell her I had feelings for her a little after we started talking again but I didn't want to say anything and jeopardize her happiness and feelings for her boyfriend or make anything complicated and screw something up. To me this seems like the most sensible thing to do.

Beware brother, "we often meet our destiny on the paths we would choose to avoid them."- Ougway, you know that turtle form Kung fu panda.

The best counsel you will ever get is your own. Try watching this, maybe it will help, maybe it won't.

Peace be with you.

P.S. “The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.”-yoda

Yea well everything said here pretty much sums it up for you.

Just be a normal friend, and do not let your actions differ from your intentions. You say you don't want to break them up - then don't.

Let time go by and you'll see what happens.

Best of luck,

-Xm8