It was a 6 year relationship. She ended it one month ago. We still have bills together, obligations, a trip paid for coming up in may and three dogs we share responsibility for. I never contact her first, but she sends texts every day. I still see her a few times a week in short bursts (to pick up the dogs or pay something off, or pick up packages I had coming to her house, maybe get a drink once or twice or lunch).

She's a very sensitive person and when I tried to do NC at all she responded very hurt and I felt horrible. It didn't change her mind because she's afraid to face anything and its impossible to not every respond to her. She of course says "please just be my friend, i need it right now" and other similar things. She won't take me back (yet, if ever) but can't handle no contact at all.

I feel too bad for her to not respond. What do I do?

You are probably aware that she's only try to keep you close because she feels alone and having you around helps her. Know, however, that as soon as she finds someone else, she'll disappear from your life.

So you have to ask yourself if you've already moved on. If you did, than you wouldn't be clinging to any hope and than once she pack-up her emotions and leave for a new boyfriend, you'll probably won't feel bad - you might even feel happy for her.

But, as is the case on 99.9% of the time, you probably didn't move on and her actions are confusing you. You feel happy when you talk to her and than you feel crappy when you hang up the phone. If that's the case, you need to ignore what she wants and take care of yourself. It shouldn't matter if she needs a friend or what she needs because she broke up with you and it's just unfair that you should satisfy her needs while she isn't satisfying yours.

:confused:.It seems like your ex wants her cake and icecream at the same time. She ended the relationship. You say you want NC but I don't think you do if so you would stop answering her text messages, have your bills sent to your new address and weekend vists with your pets at your home. Stop playing cat and mouse get it together you 2. GO HOME.

You are probably aware that she's only try to keep you close because she feels alone and having you around helps her. Know, however, that as soon as she finds someone else, she'll disappear from your life.

So you have to ask yourself if you've already moved on. If you did, than you wouldn't be clinging to any hope and than once she pack-up her emotions and leave for a new bf, you'll probably won't feel bad - you might even feel happy for her.

But, as is the case on 99.9% of the time, you probably didn't move on and her actions are confusing you. You feel happy when you talk to her and than you feel crappy when you hang up the phone. If that's the case, you need to ignore what she wants and take care of yourself. It shouldn't matter if she needs a friend or what she needs because she broke up with you and it's just unfair that you should satisfy her needs while she isn't satisfying yours.


That's just about exactly how I feel. I haven't moved on yet but today has been more ups than downs for the first time I guess (I'm finally accepting things more and more I guess... I hope).

I've basically told her this- that I know what she's doing in other words. She pulls out the "if you really care or love me, you'll just be my friend and not lose hope for the future" but I've lost hope for our future. I haven't seen her change enough and for this either, I'm taking a 3-4 week vacation next Thursday. I know she'll text me or call me every day though. I'm going to take care of myself and have fun. I'm trying to build a life without her but it seems impossible so quickly since we had no many ties that seem so selfish to cut (the dogs for example).

:confused:.It seems like your ex wants her cake and icecream at the same time. She ended the relationship. You say you want NC but I dont think you do if so you would stop answering her text messages, have your bills sent to your new address and weekend vists with your pets at your home. Stop playing cat and mouse get it together you 2. GO HOME.

Yeah that's how half of me feels. It's like being split into two. One person knowing exactly what's going on and trying to be assertive with her to tell to quit the crap and its her fault. The other person not wanting to be a total low bastard and leaving her without any help.

We had arrangements and agreements for certain things (like if we broke up, we'd still have to split so-and-so responsability) so I kind of screwed myself there. I don't want to feel like the guy who broke all his promises and be the a**hole exboyfriend.

Yeah, forget her. Don't let these emotional threats get to you. Ideally you shouldn't even have to listen to this but you might not be able to do NC because of the dogs. So try to keep low contact. Don't answer to her emotional texts or pleas, only pay attention to the ones that you actually have to act on.

Cut all the unnecessary ties as soon as you can (pay off all the common bills and pack her stuff and put it in a box so that it's fast for her to take it). When talking pretend you aren't interested and that you don't care about her issues. Make it clear you are only talking to her because there are something's that need to be sorted - bills, dogs, etc. And as soon as you clear everything that needs to be cleared, than go NC.

And if she ever pull some crap like the "you are losing me as a friend" line, just tell her that _she_ is losing you as a friend because _she_ is being very selfish right now.

You need to tell her how you feel about this siuation. It's apparent that being the friend is not good for you and I don't blame you for that at all, I would feel the same way. Explain this to her and move on. She can never say you were an A-hole for that. It's not like you just split and ran. And you aren't responsible for her feelings anyway, anymore. She fired you from that job. You really owe her nothing. But you owe yourself a lot. Best wishes!

Thanks for the responses so far- very helpful and reassuring! Here's another complication:

Her sister bought 4 tickets to Hawaii that were very expensive and nonrefundable. It's in May and I know it's a bit away but it's a weird situation of course.

I don't want to punish her sister by putting her out of $1200 by not going. And hell, who doesn't want to go? I asked her "what if you're with someone by then?" she said "well then i feel sorry for them because there will be romantic moments... and i wont be with anyone by then."

I have no idea what to do about that but wait and see how things are closer to the date.

This is not a time to worry about what she wants and what she needs, because, clearly, she made it clear what she wants, and you need to make it clear what you want.

You need to take care of the financial responsibilities you two have together, then immediately after, cut all contact with her. Keeping in contact with her will only prolong the pain for you. I know, you feel bad for her, but this is the time to make YOURSELF happy.

Dude, you already know what to do. Forget the ticket to Hawaii. Her sister already paid for a non-refundable ticket: that money is lost, so you aren't stealing money from her. Unless you asked her to buy it for you, in which case you can solve the issue by giving her the $1200. In any case, if someone's punishing her sister, it was her, when she broke up with you.

It seems that you don't want to let go and you are letting her toy you around. Good luck with that.

Dude, you already know what to do. Forget the ticket to Hawaii. Her sister already paid for a non-refundable ticket: that money is lost, so you aren't stealing money from her. Unless you asked her to buy it for you, in which case you can solve the issue by giving her the $1200. In any case, if someone's punishing her sister, it was her, when she broke up with you.

It seems that you don't want to let go and you are letting her toy you around. Good luck with that.

Yeah you're right. As much as I want to go, I need to just forget it.

Good, now you're learning.

Get out man. Go for a jog, play some pool, do anything productive to keep your mind off her.

Anything but talk to her.

Good, now you're learning.

Get out man. Go for a jog, play some pool, do anything productive to keep your mind off of her.

Anything but talk to her.

I work from home so I learned to go to a local busy coffee shop to get my work done which helps (it's still hard to get anything done but I sure can't do it sitting alone).

She just sent a text message "hows it goin?". She just won't drop it. She's supposed to be out having fun with someone else. It's like she's keeping me on a string every single day. She'll be surprised as hell when I'm out having a good time on vacation for 3 weeks while she wondering who I'm with and what I'm doing.

Thanks for the support! Hopefully I can keep this state of mind. She's really damn manipulative and has known me for quite some time so really knows how to get my guard down.

You didn't respond, right?

You didn't respond, right?

No she can sit there and wonder for all I care right now.

I just think she is stringing you along, and playing with your emotions. I say pack up whatever is at that house, solve the dog situation, and move on. Meet new friends, and forget about her, as hard as it is. Good luck..

I am a big believer in handling your business after a break up, which means anything you have joint responsibility in get rid of it. Cut all ties, and let her worry about her responsibility.

She can pay all the rent since your not there. That goes for any other bills, and then disappear from her life so she will know when you dump a guy, your alone.

After you get kicked to the curb, what the freak does what she want matter? Rebuild your life. Better to be a free and single a##hole, than a sucker!

Give the dogs a good home. That includes you too, partner!

*2 threads merged *

We were together for 6 years, never spent a day apart during this time until she broke it off during the holidays. The first month was a blur and every day still pretty much is. I can't even comprehend when I did what and with who at this point.

She broke up with me, then said lets take it slow and consider it "dating." Obviously that didn't work in the state I was in and then it quickly degraded into being "friends." In the beginning I couldn't stop crying around her and she just said it made her feel too guilty. Sometimes she'd cry too saying something like "i always saw you in my future, you were always there... then one day i couldn't see you there anymore." I never called her first, never texted her first (and I still dont) but she knows I'm leaving for about a month out of town and wants to see me before I leave.

I had dinner at her house last night because I had some promises to her mother (which is a great woman I couldn't let down) to fix some things I had started to before the breakup. She broke down and cried and told me she loved me and didn't want me to go and didn't know what she'd do without me those few weeks. I didn't give in but told her I love her too (in more of a love-you-as-a-friend tone). She hugged me and I left.

Before I got home she sent a text "it was really good to see you and im very glad you came over. Want to go jogging tomorrow?" As much as I've tried not to keep in contact with her (well at least very LOW contact), I agreed. I felt a little power in the fact that she knew I was leaving for awhile and cried knowing she'd miss me so much.

Then like an idiot I answered a phone call from her later when I wasn't in the best of moods. She said "you seem like you're not here, out of it or angry" I told her I was just very stressed with work and that's all (which really was 50% of it).

Her and her mom invited me to dinner again tonight (I really miss her moms cooking!) and even though its probably a mistake, I'm sure I'll go. Since I'll be gone for awhile I feel that those 3-5 weeks would be the start of the little-to-no contact (and I definitely won't be able to see her).

I felt OK with the situation for a couple days but after the phone call last night, I felt a bit worse (still not as bad as the first month).

The hardest part of this all is she is so damn understanding of it all. She allows me to make my mistakes knowing the stress I'm under because of this. And I won't lie: I was 75% of the cause of the breakup. I became so stressed out from the situation I was living in (work, bills, no life, etc) that I took her for granted and mistreated her.

It's hard to blame someone when you know you're more at fault then she was (not that she didn't have her faults too!). She stopped seeing me in her future because I had done some things to her (didn't show up to her birthday dinner, walked out during every argument, put her down etc).

I was just so stressed about my life I couldn't of handled a girlfriend anyway. She was very much in love with me in the beginning but the things I did, the mistreating, lead her to have to end it. I can't really blame her.

Now that I've started to work on myself, all the other stresses are easing and I'm feeling more like myself. What sucks is that if I could have done this before, I never would have mistreated her. I try not to dwell on what-ifs though.

She tells me things like "don't lose hope" and "every day i stop myself from taking you back" and "im mostly doing this to work on myself and let you work on yourself too"

The hardest part is not being friends with her... it's almost like I owe it to her for all the crap I put her through. Now that my head is cleared and I've started to take control of my own life, I am becoming exactly what she wanted me to be... and that realization just basically sucks since this has happened.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Maybe I just needed to get that out there.

Hey Ascetic0,
One month is nothing when comparing to a 6year relationship. I think you need time on your own and so you can sort yourself out properly and realise your mistakes and so you never do them again.

That's quite a turnaround from your last post so, has the financial business been settled or what?

I just finally saw her and realized I was fine enough to move on either way. I know when she's playing games but she keeps saying how this time apart has made her realize what went wrong... that we needed our own personalities again. She see's I've calmed way down and have gotten back to myself and am fine with that.

I still don't contact her first, and ignore some of the texts. I did want to see her before I left and she basically begged me so I caved. You know how it is. One day, moment, hour, minute, you're strong but then you feel the opposite way later.

I felt OK being around her, settled some business, let her have her own life right now and am doing my own thing. Even after seeing her, I feel fine in the fact that it could go either way (as fine as I could be I suppose).

She went to see a movie, and cried because it reminded her of me. She's been kind of a wreck since I left so I'm still half-way talking to her but in the way that I've moved on with my life you know. She see's that, knows that in this short time I've come to terms with it. I felt fine being around her and all those mixed emotions are starting to settle down now that I see her life isn't so great and how much promise mine has.

I can't take her back even if she wanted me to unless she came to some serious changes and realizations. I guess I felt the strength from the fact that in the next 3 weeks I won't even be able to be around her and will always be working on myself.

Seeing how she hasn't changed made me feel a good bit better. Starting Friday the no-contact thing will be basically forced anyway.

I've just never been a and even if I want to, I can't. I just had to get back into my old self, settle down, and realize some things.

I settled a lot of business with her and she knows I'm moving on. I don't even want to be in a relationship with her at this point anyway.

My feelings have totally started to settle down in the past few days and had to stop listening to so much advice and listen to myself... which made everything come into focus. Now I'm not sitting there by the phone, or hoping she's going to take me back anyway... I'm just being myself and she realizes her part in my life is fading... she's trying to keep it now but I'm the one letting go at this point.

That's great! Sounds like you have broken free of those chains and are now ready to live happily again. I wish you the best!

That's great! Sounds like you have broken free of those chains and are now ready to live happily again. I wish you the best!

Thanks! I had no idea I had enough strength to even get to this point... but I had to really just stop listening to everything and everyone... and most importantly STOP listening to her.

I took everything she gave me or reminded me of her and put it FAR away... then I re-arranged my apartment the way I would have wanted it (not how she had me do it), then I got a lot of new clothes... found out again what I liked and not what she wanted me to like.

I picked up playing guitar again and listening to a lot of music. I realized that I could love myself more then I could love her.

I met new people, and realized that more people have more to offer and I rather be in a relationship with myself or be my own best friend then allow someone like her to control that.

It feels GOOD today! I will always love her, and I may have a bad day here and there but wow have things started to settle and come into focus! That first bit was such a blur of craziness!

Sorry I have to say this though. SO you won't mind when she starts sleeping with someone else and she is still talking to you now and again.

Sorry I have to say this though. SO you won't mind when she starts sleeping with someone else and she is still talking to you now and again.

Of course that isn't going to make me feel great by any means. I expect this though sooner or later. By the time she hops into another relationship (which if you honestly knew her, you'd believe me when I say it wouldn't be anytime within the next few months at least) the contact will of probably faded so much that it's not going to seriously crush me.

Who says I wouldn't be sleeping with someone else by then as well? Not that that's on my agenda by any means but I may be the one moving on sooner then she will.

She's very conservative and never slept around in the first place. One of the biggest problems she's always had in her relationships was the fact that she doesn't just "put out." (I know a couple of her ex's and I've had my own experience with her).

We are all going to have to get used to the idea of our ex's sleeping with other people... I have older ex's that I could not care less about who they're sleeping with at this point. She will be one of them sooner or later.

Also to add to that- the next guy who sleeps with her is also going to have to take all the same crap I did for years and I'll feel a bit of pity for him.

I love her to death and still see all her great qualities but she has some serious anger problems that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy at times.

When I "woke up" from putting her on a pedestal (only because she left ME) I realized why I was such a d*ck to her... she deserved it right back.

She of course says "please just be my friend, i need it right now" and other similar things.
That is her problem, not yours. Why should you give a damn what she needs right now? She obviously put herself in this position. Let her deal with it on her own.

Me and my (ex)girlfriend of 5 years broke up in the middle of December. She broke up with me (then took me back, then we both quit after a fight). For now we're still friends and still talk daily. I'm taking it better than I thought even though I am not fully over her. She is also throwing out phrases like "if we get back together..." and "what would happen if we did get back together?" also things like "I dont think its over and its hard to let you leave sometimes".

Yesterday she busted into tears in the car telling me how much she misses me.

Here is the thing. I know she could wait a year before "taking me back" and she'll hold out as long as possible so I'm sure she will probably start dating other people before then (so my hope isn't very high obviously). No matter what she says I try to ignore it and move on.

Over the weekend though I met a very beautiful, attractive girl who I spent a couple days with and she has confessed to being (very) interested in me. I like her personality and she is a lot of fun to be around (did I mention how pretty this girl was yet?).

I know the advice: don't rebound... but has anyone honestly followed this advice? I thought about just being friends with this new girl and see where it leads but the short time we did spend together was pretty good and I'd like to see more of her.

I know my ex would totally freak out. She still freaks out about things that shouldn't bother "friends"... even if its something small. I also don't want to be disrespectful to her. What should I do?

Enjoy getting to know the new lady, even meet more new ladies and become socialable and you won't have to worry about what you ex thinks all the time.

Enjoy getting to know the new lady, even meet more new ladies and become socialable and you won't have to worry about what you ex thinks all the time.

It's really brought up my confidence with all the new attention I've been getting from other women (I also lost a good bit of weight from the breakup which doesn't hurt). I at least know I can date attractive girls still. My only issue is that I actually do want to be friends with my ex (we were always good friends and we're very open with eachother) and since I do still have a close friendship with her, she will easily find out when I start dating someone new (I won't tell her but I won't lie either). She's a pretty sensitive girl and I am just not looking forward to what this is going to bring out in her... but you know, it is my life now (mine only) so I guess she should just have to deal with it. I just feel like it's a bit disrespectful this early.

I'll take it as a friendship first and see where it goes I suppose.

Key: Two months for every year.

It's just a key but you really do need time to find out who you are without that other person.

You need to back the hell away from your ex. You are being her girlfriend right now. Been there, done that. Relationship that lasted over 6 years.

You have no reason to talk to her daily. You can still be friends, tho' that can muck up your mind, but stop being there all the time. There's no reason for it. Right now you are her mental butler, her girlfriend... take a hard step back for both of your sakes.

You need to feel what its like to be without her... because you ARE without her... and she needs to feel what it really means to be without you, but she Isn't without you now.

Rebound relationship... this is a tough one... I think the best you can do is be completely open and honest with this girl. I've hurt two great women after two big crashes and burns and I never thought of it as rebound... I just jumped in, felt better, but then got caught up in all the mental noise that wasn't settled...

So... if you've met someone you'd like to spend time with, fine. Id just be careful about how fast things go.

I started dating my wife during a potential rebound period... I caused a lot of noise and mess that I wish we didn't have to deal with. In the end, we were able to work through things and eventually became married... but, like I said, prior to that, in my experience, dating too soon usually lead to my having my head up my arse and hurting a good woman I never wanted to hurt.

If you can't step hard away from the ex, you aren't mentally broken up. I have great friends I don't talk to everyday... you don't need to have her support everyday or support her everyday. You both are wallowing in this in-between that will get you nowhere.

I did that for over a year with my ex. In the end it just left me more frustrated, with more mental baggage to sort through before I had half a clue again.

You might be different... but that's my experience.

Leave the ex alone, and date and have some fun. It doesn't have to be that serious this early on.

Me and my (ex)girlfriend of 5 years broke up in the middle of December. She broke up with me (then took me back, then we both quit after a fight). For now we're still friends and still talk daily. I'm taking it better than i thought even though I am not fully over her. She is also throwing out phrases like "if we get back together..." and "what would happen if we did get back together?" also things like "I dont think its over and its hard to let you leave sometimes".


Yesterday she busted into tears in the car telling me how much she misses me.


I read to here and immediatelly thought, "she's telling him whatever she has to to keep his hopes up.



Here is the thing. I know she could wait a year before "taking me back" and she'll hold out as long as possible so I'm sure she will probably start dating other people before then

And then the very next paragrahp started with that. I think you see what I see. Your ex is playing around with you and keeping you as a back up. I think what happened was your ex broke up with you, and suddenly she got hit in the face with the reality of not having you around. Then you got back together and she realized she could keep you around while she looks around herself. If she really wanted to get back together, she wouldn't be saying, "if and when" but rather, "what do I have to do to make this happen." She's not, and quite honestly, after giving her 5 years, you've earned the right to be treated better then this. Let her learn the hard way, your emotions are not be played with. Date the new girl take it slow, don't feel guilty and have fun. You've earned it.