My husband’s work schedule changed about 6 months ago, at which time he began working 2 jobs, only coming home for about 45 minutes in the morning to shower, change and go to his next job. There are times however when he doesn’t work for 4 - 5 days in a row, which is supposed to be our time together.

However, I have noticed that since he took on the second job our sex life is practically non existent. He admits to masturbating at work, which I believe is happening daily. I believe he is doing it in the morning before he comes home, and I believe this causes him to not want sex as he is already satisfied. I guess I am simply baffled how a man could or would prefer his hand over a “real” woman.

My husband and I were talking recently about a guy I went to high school with who was forced to commit a homosexual act with another male in front of several people. After hearing this story my husband let it slip that when he was younger he also had sex with men, however, he stated he only did this until he realized that he could be doing it with women instead.

Now, after hearing this, things that have happened over the past 10 years are beginning to make sense.

We found a box of unmarked VCR tapes in our storage, which belonged to my brother. I took a couple of the tapes home so we could figure out what was on them. When I put one of the tapes in the VCR, I had no idea it was male on male gay porn. I was actually horrified by the tape however when I turned around to see my husband’s reaction he was aroused and sitting there with an erection. I didn‘t think a “real” man would watch gay porn… let alone get aroused by it.

I am extremely unsatisfied with our sex life lately. My husband has never had any stamina in the bedroom. He says it is because I am tiny down there and that he just gets aroused quickly. He does love fondling my breasts and always compliments me on my looks and my body. I have had other men tell me I am a 9 out of 10. I am wondering what my husband’s problem could be then.

I didn’t think it was normal for a supposed straight man to be aroused by male gay porn. However, I have heard that it is normal for young people to experiment with people of the same sex. What about the fact that he would now rather masturbate than have sex with his own wife?

Does anyone know if this is normal behavior for a supposed straight man, or is there the possibility that my husband is bisexual? I am concerned as 95% of the people he works with are men.

If he is bisexual, I don’t see the point in living a lie or allowing him to use me as a cover. If he just prefers to masturbate, then I don't see the point in staying with such a selfish lover.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm still trying to figure out the "I was sleeping with men because I didn't realize I could sleep with women." That's like saying, "I was eating worms because I didn't realize I had food at home." Not even close to an excuse.

As for the tapes, you say they belonged to your brother... are you 100% positive on that? Maybe your hubby stashed them in the attic & told you he didn't know what they were.

Anyway you cut it, your husband is clearly attracted to men.

Hello ex:

Wow. You've certainly got a list... Couple things...

In MY view, there's no such thing as a perfectly straight, or perfectly homosexual human being. We ALL fall somewhere in the middle. Some ACT on it. Some DON'T. Some even deny it.

It sounds to me like you have OTHER problems which don't involve his sexuality. Maybe he's just not INTO you. Maybe you're not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S got a lower sex drive than you.

In fact, because you haven't talked with him at all about this situation, I think you have a COMMUNICATION problem - not a SEX problem...

In terms of him rather masturbating than having sex with you, maybe the reasons AREN'T sexual... Look. I LOVED my ex wife. She was GREAT in bed. She is BEAUTIFUL. I'm a horny SOB... But, when we argued, I didn't want to sleep with her - not at all. When we argued a LOT, I would whack off a LOT.

And, if he's bisexual, he may be having trouble coming to grips with it... OR, he knows YOUR stance on it, so he's not going to tell you squat...

So, I think you need to TALK to your husband, or go to a third party who can get you two communicating...

excon

I'm still trying to figure out the "I was sleeping with men because I didn't realize I could sleep with women." That's like saying, "I was eating worms because I didn't realize I had food at home." Not even close to an excuse.

As for the tapes, you say they belonged to your brother...are you 100% positive on that? Maybe your hubby stashed them in the attic & told you he didn't know what they were.

Anyway you cut it, your husband is clearly attracted to men.

Yes, I was shocked by his recent admission about his involvement with men. The problem is, I asked him several years before if he had ever had any involvement with men, and he said he had never tried or even experimented, which was clearly a lie.

As for the tapes, well, I had them before I met and married my husband. So, I know for sure they weren't his. But I didn't expect him to react the way he did when he saw it.

Yes, I guess I have to come to grips with the fact that he is attracted to men. It's what do I do from here that confuses me.

Thank you for your reply.

Hello ex:

Wow. You've certainly got a list...... Couple things...

In MY view, there's no such thing as a perfectly straight, or perfectly homosexual human being. We ALL fall somewhere in the middle. Some ACT on it. Some DON'T. Some even deny it.

It sounds to me like you have OTHER problems which don't involve his sexuality. Maybe he's just not INTO you. Maybe you're not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S got a lower sex drive than you.

In fact, because you haven't talked with him at all about this situation, I think you have a COMMUNICATION problem - not a SEX problem...

In terms of him rather masturbating than having sex with you, maybe the reasons AREN'T sexual.... Look. I LOVED my ex wife. She was GREAT in bed. She is BEAUTIFUL. I'm a horny SOB... But, when we argued, I didn't want to sleep with her - not at all. When we argued a LOT, I would whack off a LOT.

And, if he's bisexual, he may be having trouble coming to grips with it... OR, he knows YOUR stance on it, so he's not gonna tell you squat...

So, I think you need to TALK to your husband, or go to a third party who can get you two communicating...

excon

Yes, certainly a list, but that wasn't even everything. There are other things that he has done in the past that have made me question his sexuality, but I just ignored the signs thinking I was over reacting.

As I said, I have asked him in the past, and he has denied any such involvement with men. I know that now to not be true.

My husband is 41, and I asked him about his sex drive and whether he thought his medical problems were getting in the way or his age was a factor and he denied any kind of performance issue.

Therefore, I am only left to wonder if my husband is a compulsive liar on top of being bisexual.

You’re right, he knows I would be filing for divorce tomorrow if I thought he was cheating, whether it be with a man or a woman. He knows me.

The sexual problems have only recently surfaced. As for arguing, we don’t argue. We never have. The doors to communication are open and always have been. We’re like best friends in that respect. He can tell me anything, and up until the recent confession I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. But now, I realize I don’t know squat.

As for being a good lover, he never complained before. We had an active sex life, but lately he just wants to wham bam thank you maam, and I’m not into being used like a piece of meat. I need more than that.

He and I have always communicated for the sake of our marriage, and I think I know all there is to know. That my husband is bisexual, and I could be in danger. If he’s bi, I don’t need a third party to try and save this marriage. There is no marriage if that is who he is.

Thank you for your reply.

If he’s bi, I don’t need a third party to try and save this marriage. There is no marriage if that is who he is.Hello again, ex:

Couple more things... Because he MIGHT be bi, doesn't mean he has to ACT on it, and it doesn't mean that he has... And, most importantly, it for SURE, doesn't mean he ISN'T attracted to you.

Nope. I'll go back to my communication thing. You may THINK the communication door has always been open... But, you can see now that it wasn't.

excon

Hello again, ex:

Couple more things... Because he MIGHT be bi, doesn't mean he has to ACT on it, and it doesn't mean that he has.... And, most importantly, it for SURE, doesn't mean he ISN'T attracted to you.

Nope. I'll go back to my communication thing. You may THINK the communication door has always been open... But, you can see now that it wasn't.

excon

I absolutely can see now that the doors were not open, and I feel betrayed.

I never thought he would lie to me. But I never really thought about how much he stands to lose by admitting that this type of behavior is still a part of who he is. Now I feel like the more I try and force him to communicate about this subject, the more I will just force him to lie to me.

I never thought something like this could happen to us, especially not after 11 years of marriage.

I guess I just need to re-group and come up with a new game plan.

Thanks again for all your help.

Agree with ex that communication is definitely key. You also have to consider the trust issue. If the trust can't be rebuilt in the relationship, it's not going to work, no matter how hard you try; I know from experience. You'll always be questioning his actions and choices; that's no way for either of you to live.

So definitely talk. Go to counseling, if need be. Try to make it work, but make sure you can rebuild the trust and love you started with.

Hello again, ex:

People STAY in the closet because they're afraid their family will act EXACTLY like you're acting.

Assuming there's been NO outside activity, STOP playing the victim card, and START playing the loving and understanding wife card.

IF there IS a victim here, it's not just you.

excon

Hello again, ex:

People STAY in the closet because they're afraid their family will act EXACTLY like you're acting.

Assuming there's been NO outside activity, STOP playing the victim card, and START playing the loving and understanding wife card.

IF there IS a victim here, it's not just you.

excon

True, it may be hard for him to come to grips with but that doesn't give him a free pass to lie to her. She stated that she specifically asked him if he had been with men and he denied it; he later admitted that he had been with men.

As I said before, trust is everything. If she can rebuild that trust she had in him however many years ago, then I think they'll be fine.

Hello again, ex:

People STAY in the closet because they're afraid their family's will act EXACTLY like you're acting.

Assuming there's been NO outside activity, STOP playing the victim card, and START playing the loving and understanding wife card.

IF there IS a victim here, it's not just you.

excon

I don't play the victim card... ever. If anything, the only victim here is him being a victim of his own sexuality.

He's the perpetrator of this mess.

Even if communication was not an issue, trust would be, and I don't feel I can stay in a marriage without trust. Without that we have NOTHING!

As for counseling, I feel if he will lie to me about his sexuality, he will lie to a counselor… for sure! There is no point in taking it that far. As I said, he has too much to lose by admitting to this, and it would be like beating a dead horse.

I have a sister who is gay, and my brother was gay also, however, neither of them were "in the closet" gays. They were an open book as far as their sexuality was concerned. My brother wore make-up, dressed in drag on occasion, and he even wore an earring in his right ear that said FAG. I have always been accepting of homosexuals, but not when it comes to my spouse. I have no tolerance for this in a supposed hetrosexual relationship!

I guess I just feel that I should have known or acknowledged the red flags that I saw earlier on in our relationship for what they were… red flags.

I have some things I need to think about and consider.

I really should have taken more time to read some of the other questions here before I posted.

It is quite obvious I am not alone with this type of situation.

I just read another post, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/why-does-boyfriend-masturbate-so-often-301290-2.html, and one person there said that hoping someone will change “is an exercise in futility.”

I couldn’t agree more with this statement.

They also said that “people should judge their partners at face value....love what you have or move on”, and that counseling “is no guarantee of positive results, just the possibility of improvement.”

This made me stop and think, what is it that I would be trying to improve? My husband or my perceptions of who he is? We had an otherwise healthy relationship. We were the perfect couple… on paper. My husband doesn’t have to change who he is… he is allowed to be himself. But I also have choices, and I choose not to be with such a man. This is not because he is bisexual mind you, but because he chose to keep this part of his life secret and he chose to lie to me about it for a dozen years. Not one or two years, but twelve.

My husband is 100% allowed to be the person he is. And I am 100% allowed to walk away.

I appreciate all of your advice.

It sounds like your mind is already set on the actions you want.

Your husband told you something open and honest, and you state he should have told you upfront, when was he going to tell you on the 1st date ? Have you felt he kept it quite because of the way things are now or he was ashamed of his actions.

Just to reflect the question back - did you tell your husband about all the people you had been with straight away, or at any point in your relationship.

I agree there seem to be issues in your relationship, but you seem that you have set your mind 100% on the actions that you want.


when he was younger he also had sex with men, however, he stated he only did this until he realized that he could be doing it with women instead.

Are you saying that what he did was experiment in his teen or younger years, because in part of your post I see you have said that you are aware of this being common in teen years ?

Are you saying that your husband has confirmed that he is Bi or is this what you are saying ?

It sounds like your mind is already set on the actions you want.

Your husband told you something open and honest, and you state he should have told you upfront, when was he going to tell you on the 1st date ? Have you felt he kept it quite because of the way things are now or he was ashamed of his actions.

Just to reflect the question back - did you tell your husband about all the people you had been with straight away, or at any point in your relationship.

I agree there seem to be issues in your relationship, but you seem that you have set your mind 100% on the actions that you want.

Are you saying that what he did was experiment in his teen or younger years, because in part of your post I see you have said that you are aware of this being common in teen years ?

Are you saying that your husband has confirmed that he is Bi or is this what you are saying ?

Yes, I believe my mind is set, as I cannot tolerate lying and mistrust. It doesn’t matter to me what he lied about, just the fact that he lied is enough. One lie, two lies, ten lies. What's next? AIDS?

He did tell me something open and honest… way after the fact. He didn’t have to tell me on the first date, but shortly thereafter would have been nice.

He knew my siblings were gay, and at the time I asked him, he had no reason to lie about his sexuality, but he did, he vehemently denied it. But I gave him the opportunity a few years later to tell me, and he again denied it.

Which simply makes him a liar.

I cannot delve into his mind and figure out why he kept it secret. I don’t know if he is ashamed, but he should be. Not about his sexuality, about being a liar.

You see, when he finally did tell me, I most certainly got the feeling that it slipped out, rather than his need to “get it off his chest.” He could have said he experimented, but he outright said this was something he carried on with for years.

And yes, my husband knew right away he had made a mistake by telling me.

My husband and I had known each other for six years prior to getting together. He was married at the time we met, and I was engaged. He ended up getting a divorce, and I ended up not getting married. He knew I had three lovers prior to him, he knew I had never experimented with a women, and he knew how I felt about bisexuality.

I would never - and I repeat never - would have got involved with a bisexual man under any circumstances. I know through my siblings that they seldom if ever stop. And if they do stop, it’s not done over night. I would not have got involved for that exact reason.

Please tell me, what are the issues you see here? I have been wondering that myself.

I am aware of experimenting being common amongst teenagers, but experimenting as a teen and carrying on into adulthood are not the same thing.

My siblings told me all about experimenting, and he does not qualify.

He outright hid the fact that he was having sex with men up until the age of 23. Do you suspect it has stopped? Not likely. Especially considering his recent behavior.

Knowing something like this would have made the difference of whether I married him. If your husband withheld telling you something that would have made a difference on whether you married him, wouldn’t you feel betrayed?

Please do not get me wrong but I read from your posts that your issue is with bisexuality, this seems to be your main anger point regards why you have taken issue with your husband past from what I am reading.

You make a very good point in regards to AIDS and STI's, but this would be a problem if your husband was having out of relationship sex with someone of the female sex.

I in no way condone any form of cheating or having sexual relationships outside of the marriage, and I do agree that this would be a good breaking point for anyone and a time to end things but you have not posted or confirmed that this is fact or just a feeling you have.

Please feel free to look at the link I enclose -

Bisexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality)


If your husband withheld telling you something that would have made a difference on whether you married him, wouldn't you feel betrayed?

This would be a problem for myself unless I was having a same sex marriage as I am male.

Communcation - communcation - communcation is a key to any relationship and from reading your post this does not seem to be happening between yourself and your husband. I agree from reading your post your husband seems to have a lot of issues going on, have the two of you had a real honest heart to heart talk and brought everything into the open.

No one on this forum can tell you - leave your husband and none of us can tell you stay with your husband -
The ball is in your court because only you know what your relationship is and where it is going.

I have to agree if your husband is wacking off at work that this is weird, but he could be doing this as he is seeking a thrill or some danger if he is doing this. I have heard of people that do this in open places with people around for the same reason.

Please do not get me wrong but I read from your posts that your issue is with bisexuality, this seems to be your main anger point regards why you have taken issue with your husband past from what I am reading.

You make a very good point in regards to AIDS and STI's, but this would be a problem if your husband was having out of relationship sex with someone of the female sex.

I in no way condone any form of cheating or having sexual relationships outside of the marriage, and I do agree that this would be a good breaking point for anyone and a time to end things but you have not posted or confirmed that this is fact or just a feeling you have.

Please feel free to look at the link I enclose -

Bisexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality)

This would be a problem for myself unless I was having a same sex marriage as I am male.

Communcation - communcation - communcation is a key to any relationship and from reading your post this does not seem to be happening between yourself and your husband. I agree from reading your post your husband seems to have a lot of issues going on, have the two of you had a real honest heart to heart talk and brought everything into the open.

No one on this forum can tell you - leave your husband and none of us can tell you stay with your husband -
The ball is in your court because only you know what your relationship is and where it is going.

I have to agree if your husband is wacking off at work that this is weird, but he could be doing this as he is seeking a thrill or some danger if he is doing this. I have heard of people that do this in open places with people around for the same reason.

You are right, growing up around homosexuality/bisexuality has caused me to have very strong feelings on the subject. However, I use the term bisexual in an extremely loose content.

I understand that bi means two, or an attraction to both genders. But, when it comes to sexuality, to me, you are either straight or you are gay. You can’t be both !

So what I have to accept here is not that my husband is bisexual, I have to accept that my husband is gay.

Believe me, I love my husband to pieces, and I wish this weren’t true.

I have to agree if your husband is wacking off at work that this is weird, but he could be doing this as he is seeking a thrill or some danger if he is doing this. I have heard of people that do this in open places with people around for the same reason.

It is weird isn't it? But they have locks on the doors where he works, so he wouldn't have a problem with privacy. I have even gone to his job and we have got it on in his bedroom. Which only proves to me that it can be done.

By the way, did I forget to mention that he is in a profession where he and his co-workers sleep in the same room, shower and eat all their meals together?

Dear ex, I would think that it is a pretty good conclusion that your husband is at least bi-sexual. I found that out about my husband. This is not a time to get all emotional; it is a time to quietly discuss the situation. If he trusts you, he will tell you the truth.

You have to take care of your health because if your husband has sex with men, he may have contracted extremely serious diseases. Going forward, you will have to require he use a "sturdy" condom.

Time for some soul searching... your goal in life is to be happy, not to be the police for a husband or any other adult. People hate the spouse who choses to snoop and police actions. People also hate others who blame them for their unhappiness.

Also, never let go of the thought that your goal is to be happy in life. Every adult has to work this out in their own way, sometimes with the help of a mature friend.

Best wishes to you, :)

I think she has every right to be angry, because he lied. Him sleeping with men could have put her at risk for a diease god forbid aids. Who knows if he was using protection or not. So yes I would be upset too. She has to think about her health and he life.

I think we need to be careful because the OP is saying that her husband was having same sex, sex before they were together - I have not read that the OP has confirmed that this is happening now - My understanding is that the OP is questioning there relationship because of what happened before they where together and also by the husbands weird actions at present.


By the way, did I forget to mention that he is in a profession where he and his co-workers sleep in the same room, shower and eat all their meals together?

I would in no way see this as a problem, many men shower together in locker rooms across the globe after sports or gym etc.


I have even gone to his job and we have got it on in his bedroom.

What has changed then in regards to the sexual relationship between yourself and your husband because there must have been a point that you enjoyed engaging with his sexuality and your own.

Dear ex, I would think that it is a pretty good conclusion that your husband is at least bi-sexual. I found that out about my husband. This is not a time to get all emotional; it is a time to quietly discuss the situation. If he trusts you, he will tell you the truth.

You have to take care of your health because if your husband has sex with men, he may have contracted extremely serious diseases. Going forward, you will have to require he use a "sturdy" condom.

Time for some soul searching....your goal in life is to be happy, not to be the police for a husband or any other adult. People hate the spouse who choses to snoop and police actions. People also hate others who blame them for their unhappiness.

Also, never let go of the thought that your goal is to be happy in life. Every adult has to work this out in their own way, sometimes with the help of a mature friend.

Best wishes to you, :)

Dear Choux, thank you so kindly for your response and for sharing your own personal experience. I am sorry you went through this also. Are you OK?

Your wise advice is similar to advice that I have received in the past.

My mother once told me if a woman ever finds herself snooping on her husband or “policing” him, i.e. following him, checking his e-mails, going through his wallet, looking through his phone, etc… that instead of doing those acts, she should instead pack her bags and leave. Her reasoning was, that if you have to snoop on your husband, or police his activity, then there is no trust - thus no reason to stay.

However against my better judgment, and against my mother’s advice, I went up to my husband’s job last night with the intent to investigate. Without getting into graphic detail, I found all I needed to know.

Anyway, I know what I have to do now, and I can only sit back and thank God that he and I never had any children together.

I will not continue to have intercourse with him, as I cannot stomach the thought. I will call my physician in the morning and schedule another round of testing. I went through this back when the gay porn video incident transpired.

I do love my husband, but I love myself more, and therefore I also have a couple numbers for divorce attorneys.

My pastor says that we can’t allow others to steal our joy. We are entitled to live joyous, happy lives, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Thank you again, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Take care.

Thank you ex, It is very difficult to be married to a man who is a bi sexual.

I wish you the best going forward... happiness and honesty and trust and a good sex life. :)

What has changed then in regards to the sexual relationship between yourself and your husband because there must have been a point that you enjoyed engaging with his sexuality and your own.

Your guess about what changed is as good as mine…

For the most part, up until 6 months ago we had a satisfying sexual relationship. It is when he started this new job and met this new man when things really started to spiral downward.

When I asked him about his sex drive, or the lack thereof, he told me he was masturbating at work and that nothing else had changed about his sex drive. Now, we all agree that masturbating at work is odd, but with the recent events, I doubt anymore that he was really masturbating.

Furthermore, what I saw last night is enough to convince me that I was right all along.

Thanks again for your support, it has helped me to understand.

Furthermore, what I saw last night is enough to convince me that I was right all along.

I am guessing from your reply that you have seen something that you would not have wanted to then.

I am guessing from your reply that you have seen something that you would not have wanted to then.


Yes, I did.

Wow, I can't say I know a single person who wouldn't have reacted really badly if they were in your situation. You exhibit incredible strength in the face of such a terrible discovery. Kudos to you. "If you're bi, you're gay!"- Carlos Mencia. Come to Alaska, the men here are... well, let's just say they're not bi. More like tri. As in tripod.:D

Wow, I can't say I know a single person who wouldn't have reacted really badly if they were in your situation. You exhibit incredible strength in the face of such a terrible discovery. Kudos to you. "If you're bi, you're gay!"- Carlos Mencia. Come to Alaska, the men here are...well, let's just say they're not bi. More like tri. As in tripod.:D

Thank you for sharing. I just Googled Carlos Mencia. I had not heard of him before. Apparently he is well sought after, and a very wise man to come to the conclusion that he did! I don’t really think what he said is an opinion either, I believe it to be fact.

So you say there are “REAL MEN” in Alaska? Then make way… I’m on the next flight! Do you think you could set me up once I get there? LOL.

Really though, when this is over I can go anywhere I want. Why not Alaska? I have heard that the male female ratio is 8/1... is there any truth to that? :)

Yes, it is hard to keep a happy face in the midst of a crisis, but it would take more than this to completely destroy me! I am a very strong woman, inside and out. I’m still young, and I still have a lot to offer the “right” person… though it might take me a little while to trust again.

All I am looking for is my male counterpart. A man - who is all man - who is secure with his sexuality and knows who he is… geez! You wouldn’t think that was asking too much.

I have no desire to drag this out or drag my husband through the mud. I just want what rightfully belongs to me and then I’m out of here.

By the way, I really like your avatar! Thank you again for giving me hope!

I just Googled Carlos Mencia. I had not heard of him before. Apparently he is well sought after, and a very wise man Hello again, ex:

Wise man?? He's a comedian on Comedy Central...

Look. Nobody is telling you that you should like anybody who doesn't fit your pictures... That's fine. Get rid of your old man, and move on.

But, your argument about gay people loses something when you start relying on comedians for your "wisdom".

excon

Hello again, ex:

Wise man??? He's a comedian on Comedy Central....

Look. Nobody is telling you that you should like anybody who doesn't fit your pictures.... That's fine. Get rid of your old man, and move on.

But, your argument about gay people loses something when you start relying on comedians for your "wisdom".

excon


Comedian or not, all I said is it takes a wise person to come to that conclusion. Just because he's a comedian doesn't mean he doesn't have wisdom. That is close minded.

Although this is a major concern... the bottom line is, do you love him or not...
Maybe you need to sit and confront him about the issue. Don't bash him for his feelings, or thoughts... try to be understanding about it... based on his response to you, you will have to make a decision on your part as to whether you want to accept him for this...

although this is a major concern.... the bottom line is, do you love him or not......
maybe you need to sit and confront him about the issue. dont bash him for his feelings, or thoughts.... try to be understanding about it.... based on his response to you, you will have to make a decision on your part as to whether or not you want to accept him for this....


I have already said that I love him, but that does not mean I am willing to accept this type of behavior. We have discussed this, several times, and the bottom line is I will not share my life, my love or my body with a man who also shares himself with other men. It is not for me... period... no matter how much I love him.

I can't stop loving him just because he is this way. I didn't ask to be straight, I just am. He didn't ask to be this way, he just is. As I said before, he is allowed to be this way, JUST NOT WITH ME.

I'm definitely leaving, and I already said that I am not going to drag him through the mud. What more do you guys want to know?

I just finished reading all the posts here and I must say I agree with you 100%... leaving this man is the only option.

How could you even share your bed with him, knowing that he was with another man, and could have contracted aids.

I am not as strong as you, I must say. If I ever found that out about my husband (future husband) I would lose it!

I guess this serves as a lesson to many, dont ignore those red flags!

Good luck girl, I admire you!

Removed my post due to not reading the thread - if the OP read it before I had a chance to remove it, please see apology below.

Ask him as a part of your sex life if he wants you to put your vibrator/dildo in his butt; would this turn him on? If he gets all excited immediately without reservation I would be a little suspect. Even guys who eventually would like anal play with women have a mental hurdle to get over first.

I would ask him though, and who knows maybe he no longer has an interest in men when his anal desires are satisfied by you.

Taking this line of thought one step further, if he likes it, invest in a "strap on" it may prolong your marriage for years....:D

Please read the entire thread before posting--the situation got pretty serious, and the OP got answers (from real life) that she was looking for. Maybe not the answers she would have liked to have heard, but answers nonetheless.

Please read the entire thread before posting--the situation got pretty serious, and the OP got answers (from real life) that she was looking for. Maybe not the answers she would have liked to have heard, but answers nonetheless.


To the OP, please ignore my glib previous post I didn't read the entire thread and now that
I have, I feel for your situation and my post in retrospect was an entirely a horrible thing to post, I am truly sorry. It was meant to be a light attempt at advice mixed with humor which are not uncommon in the Adult Sexuality topics, but I should know better as I've chastized others before for not reading a thread; like Synnen has rightfully done to me.

Again, my sincere apologies.

I hope the relief of knowing tempers the pain of knowing. Hang in there Ex.

Okay, I don't really want to be chastized here but I just don't get this.

I get that this really has upset you for you have no tolerance for sexual freedom in your marriage. Your right and a good thing to have in my opinion. But I am not sure he has cheated on you other than masturbating at work. Gross but if he lives at work, men do this at hunting camp, fishing camp, and any where they group for long periods without women.

Second, he confided something with you that happened before marriage because he felt safe doing so whereas before he did not. The lying is something to be angry about but if he had lied about how many wrecks, how much he gambled or what drugs he has tried before, would you be so upset? Maybe, maybe not.

Lastly, marriage is for better or worse and the some of this may be yours to overcome. From what I have observed you came to get people to support an idea you already had formulated (concious or subconsciously) and were only gravitated towards those who supported your idea.

We all get turned on by things we might would not want to be turned on by. And some we would not want any others to know about. But, I really subscribe to the theory that thoughts are benign, it is how we act upon them that is important. For example, I get so angry sometimes I just want to walk out and quit my job. I hate it! But those are just thoughts. I do my job to the best of my ability day after day.

Now, is it is not bad to surround us with those that support us. We all do this. But I am not sure you got any help here other than an army of those who support your theory. And you all may be 110% on the right path. But I think there was some other good advice offered and never satisfactorily countered.

I do wish you peace in this process.

Maybe I misread this---but I think the OP caught her husband actually CHEATING on her at work.

I think that's grounds for divorce, whether the cheating was gay or straight.

But again--maybe I misread that.

I just finished reading all the posts here and I must say I agree with you 100%... leaving this man is the only option.

How could you even share your bed with him, knowing that he was with another man, and could have contracted aids.

I am not as strong as you, I must say. If I ever found that out about my husband (future husband) I would lose it!

I guess this serves as a lesson to many, dont ignore those red flags!

Good luck girl, I admire you!

You say that you would lose it if you ever found out something like this about your husband.

For the record, please know that the only reason I am holding it all together now is because I am awaiting the results from my doctor regarding my health. If she calls me with bad news, i.e. I have contracted a sexually transmitted disease, I WILL lose it… totally. But as long as I am clean as a whistle, I will not deter from my original plan to leave him.

The real sad part here is my future lies in the hands of a petrie dish at the moment… what an awful feeling.

Thank you again for your reply.

To the OP, please ignore my glib previous post I didn't read the entire thread and now that
I have, I feel for your situation and my post in retrospect was an entirely a horrible thing to post, I am truly sorry. It was meant to be a light attempt at advice mixed with humor which are not uncommon in the Adult Sexuality topics, but I should know better as I've chastized others before for not reading a thread; like Synnen has rightfully done to me.

Again, my sincere apologies.

No need to apologize. It means a lot to me that you even took the time to reply.

Thanks anyway, to you and everyone who took the time to reply.

I hope the relief of knowing tempers the pain of knowing. Hang in there Ex.

Thank you, thank you.

But just know, that nothing, and I mean nothing, tempers the pain of knowing something like this. It is going to hurt for a long time to come. Hopefully only mentally, not physically as well.

Thanks again for your support.

Hello again, ex:

Wise man??? He's a comedian on Comedy Central....

Look. Nobody is telling you that you should like anybody who doesn't fit your pictures.... That's fine. Get rid of your old man, and move on.

But, your argument about gay people loses something when you start relying on comedians for your "wisdom".

excon


I felt I needed to address this.

I would like you to understand that my decision to leave my husband has nothing to do with sexuality, or Carlos Rencia, but rather TRUST. I do however get the feeling that you, and possibly some of the others, have already somehow determined that I am a fag basher, which couldn’t be further from the truth!

For you to say that I relied upon the wisdom of a comedian to decide my fate, or that of my husband, is simply patronizing to me at this point in time. Reading over the posts, it is clear that I had already made up my mind before I even learned who Carlos Rencia was.

If you are really an excon, you may have some very strong opinions about homosexuality, based on what you saw. But unlike prison, know that my husband was not forced to do what he did, he was and IS a willing participant. Does that say anything to you?

For all I know I may have touched upon a sore subject. I don’t know, but it leaves me to wonder whether you have any personal experience with this subject, or if you are just being critical of me because you can? I would really like to know.

Okay, I dont really want to be chastized here but I just dont get this.

I get that this really has upset you for you have no tolerance for sexual freedom in your marriage. Your right and a good thing to have in my opinion. But I am not sure he has cheated on you other than masturbating at work. gross but if he lives at work, men do this at hunting camp, fishing camp, and any where they group for long periods without women.

Second, he confided something with you that happened before marriage because he felt safe doing so whereas before he did not. The lying is something to be angry about but if he had lied about how many wrecks, how much he gambled or what drugs he has tried before, would you be so upset? Maybe, maybe not.

Lastly, marriage is for better or worse and the some of this may be yours to overcome. From what I have observed you came to get people to support an idea you already had formulated (concious or subconsciously) and were only gravitated towards those who supported your idea.

We all get turned on by things we might would not want to be turned on by. And some we would not want any others to know about. But, I really subscribe to the theory that thoughts are benign, it is how we act upon them that is important. For example, I get so angry sometimes I just want to walk out and quit my job. I hate it!! But those are just thoughts. I do my job to the best of my ability day after day.

Now, is it is not bad to surround us with those that support us. We all do this. But I am not sure you got any help here other than an army of those who support your theory. And you all may be 110% on the right path. But I think there was some other good advice offered and never satisfactorily countered.

I do wish you peace in this process.

I’m not really sure what you are trying to say. I thought I addressed every response whether it was a “validating” response or not.

Did I miss someone? If so, it was not intentional.

Maybe I misread this---but I think the OP caught her husband actually CHEATING on her at work.

I think that's grounds for divorce, whether or not the cheating was gay or straight.

But again--maybe I misread that.

No, you didn’t misread it. I just left out all the sordid sexual details. Because really, what difference does that make? I didn't walk in on him and this other man doing it, but then again the door was locked, so I could have, but I guess I'll never know. He opened the door and you wouldn't believe the excuse he gave for why they were sleeping together. You’re 100% correct though… cheating is cheating no matter if it was with a man or a woman.

If you are really an excon, you may have some very strong opinions about homosexuality, based on what you saw.Hello again, ex:

I have strong opinions about homosexuality. But, I have stronger feelings about marriage, and honor and truth too. It has nothing to do with what I saw. It has to do with what I believe. I don't know if your feelings stem from what YOU saw growing up.

But, none of this matters. You are certainly free to live your life as you choose. I have never said otherwise. I have only suggested that you attempt to save the marriage.

From MY vantage point, I haven't seen anything here that is relationship ending. I haven't seen evidence of him cheating on you. Yes, he lied - a BIG lie too. That would be hard for me to get over, but I could get over it.

The reasons I could DO all that, is because I have a different viewpoint about homosexuality, and a different viewpoint about marriage than you do.

That's fine. Get rid of him, and live your life as you choose. You could even think I'm a homosexual if it makes you feel better. I'm fine with who I am.

excon

I have never said otherwise. I have only suggested that you attempt to save the marriage.

From MY vantage point, I haven't seen anything here that is relationship ending.


Excon,

She clearly stated that she walked in on him and found out with 100% certainty that the man is cheating on her.. What more could she try to find out?

After seeing this, in my opinion there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY I would stay married to someone that did that to me...

I don't believe that she is just giving up.. She found out something that is beyond devastating.. and there is too much damage for the marriage to be repared

Excon,

She clearly stated that she walked in on him and found out with 100% certainty that the man is cheating on her.. What more could she try to find out?

After seeing this, in my opinion there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY I would stay married to someone that did that to me...

I don't believe that she is just giving up.. She found out something that is beyond devestating.. and there is too much damage for the marriage to be repared

I'm with excon on this one, all marriages are worth saving if both parties are willing to put in the work necessary. The OP is hurt, betrayed, angry... all understandable, and on the surface the easy and the status quo thing to do is to tell him to leave.

However, anything can be worked out. Also, by the time a relationship reaches the infidelity part there have been underlying problems that have built over time. Sometimes the infidelity is just a symptom of other issues and a cry for help.

I suggest, that both parties pause for reflection and then determine whether they want to save the marriage. If so, then I suggest counselling with a good dose of honesty from both sides.

A marriage is worth saving and fighting for.

I’m sorry. I have gotten myself all worked up. Now that I have regained my composure, I think I finally understand what is being said.

It seems that I wasn’t willing to entertain the idea that he and I “work it out.” I think that is probably more suggestive of what’s been said. However the fact is I didn’t believe in divorce -- until now.

It seems that the battle is no longer with my husband… the battle is with my beliefs.

He is begging for forgiveness and even offered to quit the second job. Which is really the problem to begin with. But I always understood his job. That is what he loves to do, and that is how he takes care of us. But what I don’t understand is how the one thing that provides so much for us is causing us the most harm?

I am not saying that I would consider it, but if I were to attempt to stay in this marriage, how in the world would I do that? I totally understand the forgiveness aspect of life, love and marriage, but how would I ever forget?? Could I… would I?

sylvan_1998 agrees: I agree. OP seemed to come up with more facts as the advice was not what the OP wanted to hear.

Sylvan... I didn't, as you say, come up with more facts when the advice wasn't what I wanted to hear. I simply didn't divulge or exploit the facts.

I'm sorry. I have gotten myself all worked up. Now that I have regained my composure, I think I finally understand what is being said.

It seems that I wasn't willing to entertain the idea that he and I “work it out.” I think that is probably more suggestive of what's been said. However the fact is I didn't believe in divorce -- until now.

It seems that the battle is no longer with my husband… the battle is with my beliefs.

He is begging for forgiveness and even offered to quit the second job. Which is really the problem to begin with. But I always understood his job. That is what he loves to do, and that is how he takes care of us. But what I don't understand is how the one thing that provides so much for us is causing us the most harm?

I am not saying that I would consider it, but if I were to attempt to stay in this marriage, how in the world would I do that? I totally understand the forgiveness aspect of life, love and marriage, but how would I ever forget??? Could I… would I?

Give it time and some professional counselling. I know you can't see it now, and it's possible you may never be able to get past this experience; but you are grieving; grieving the world as you once knew it and it has been turned upside down and you consider it gone, dead. So of course you grieve. However, grief is a process and in time you will find forgiveness provided he is worthy of the forgiveness by his efforts, and your efforts to slowly repair your marriage.

In time you may see the good things about him, and this experience while you will never forget will be part of the fabric of your lives that you got through and became stronger because of.

I understand this may be impossible for you, and it's likely you may hold this resentment and anger for a very long time which will make it near impossible to save the marriage. However remember and read this carefully: "Resentment is the poison we take hoping it will harm the person we are resentful about (but it just kills ourselves slowly) and forgiveness is the medicine we refuse to take to heal ourselves because we think it will benefit the other person."

If you are able, give it some time; and talk with him, be honest. You've shared too much history to simply walk away now without trying. Do not expect things to change overnight and I strongly suggest some counselling to have someone guide you through the process.

Whatever you decide, may God Bless you.

Give it time and some professional counselling. I know you can't see it now, and it's possible you may never be able to get past this experience; but you are grieving; grieving the world as you once knew it and it has been turned upside down and you consider it gone, dead. So of course you grieve. However, grief is a process and in time you will find forgiveness provided he is worthy of the forgiveness by his efforts, and your efforts to slowly repair your marriage.

In time you may see the good things about him, and this experience while you will never forget will be part of the fabric of your lives that you got through and became stronger because of.

I understand this may be impossible for you, and it's likely you may hold this resentment and anger for a very long time which will make it near impossible to save the marriage. However remember and read this carefully: "Resentment is the poison we take hoping it will harm the person we are resentful about (but it just kills ourselves slowly) and forgiveness is the medicine we refuse to take to heal ourselves because we think it will benefit the other person."

If you are able, give it some time; and talk with him, be honest. You've shared to much history to simply walk away now without trying. Do not expect things to change overnight and I strongly suggest some counselling to have someone guide you through the process.

Whatever you decide, may God Bless you.

Grieving? Is that what it is?

Well now that I think about it, I hadn't really allowed myself to show any emotion since the onset of all this, but then today I read a response, from excon, and it simply brought me to tears. I couldn't even contain myself. What I got from his post was sincerity, and I finally understood what he, and everyone, was trying to say. Can you believe up until that moment I had not even considered staying with my husband as a possibility? His response made me envision the situation from a totally different perspective. For that I am forever grateful.

I do not know what the future holds. I cannot even begin to speculate.

But I can't thank you all enough. I will not be posting back. I think you have helped me with what I needed to know. That I need to use this time to work on things… within.

Thank you, thank you all!

I finally understood what he, and everyone, was trying to say. Thank you, thank you all!Hello again, ex:

The BILL is in the mail... And, you're welcome.

excon

I am not sure how to put this with out sounding insincere, but you should be proud of yourself for opening yourself up to new possibilities in this most troublesome and turmultuous time.

The whole point of my previous post was to say you seemed resistant to what you did not want to hear, backing up your decision in response after response, shoring up any evidence with new conclusions to rebut those responses that you did not agree with. And all well within your right for it is your life. You were nice and sincere. And I, like excon, did not see how given the circumstances as were previously described it would be marriage ending for me. I only saw suspicion of an affair and a jump to condemn.

Whether there is more going on, the circumstances change, you work through this, you don't work through this, only the future will tell.

As I see it there are two issues here. Is he participating in any type of infidelity? And/or what do all these events mean in your marriage - what are your feelings on this, can you accept it, can he be honest about it, why can he not be honest about it, is he gay or bisexual, how does this affect you? I think a mediator, counselor, or other impartial person would be a benefit while you are working through this.


Good luck!!

Hunny I'm sorry for you but not in a pathetic kind of way but more of a 'you should have already known' sort of manner! Either way its totally not your fault and don't blame yourself. If you're a 9 out of 10 then he's the one that should be sorry not you! And p.s. I hate the fact that men are gay, and they won't admit it, and they get I relationships to cover the truth! It's a sad state of affairs but it is what it is! You will be in my prayers hun!