Hi

I want to first give a brief history about myself so maybe it can give you a better understanding.

I was raised in the middle east when I was a child then moved to canada for university studies. I was very good in high school but I never really knew what I wanted to do in the future. I chose my major as computer engineering although I never really knew what it was and the research resources I had at the time were very very few. I was always in a state of mind that " I do my work so I can finish and go out and play". I still had the same mentality during university where I felt I was attending courses like I was attending high school just for the sake of finishing my course and get done with that phase in my life. I never really had any interest in what I was studying and I also wasn't doing that bad but I never stopped to think about my future. In my head, I was this same kid who was 14 years old. After the first few years of university,I asked myself 'is that really what I want to do?'. I was complaining about the university and the teachers and the education all the time. Maybe I was playing the blame game but I'm not sure.I kept saying to myself that I won't change my major and that I'll take the challenge and things will go fine after I graduate. I finally graduated in 2006.I worked in Canada for two years but the job I had was not what I deserved for my degree and I thought I deserved more.

I wanted to progress in my life but I couldn't find a way. I tried researching other educational programs related to my field but I found out I was not interested.What kept me hanging in my boring job for two years was the fact that I had great friends and was able to have my quality time with them then I got laid off last year and I stayed 3 months without a job. I started getting depressed as I'm not used to being unproductive. I felt helpless;I had a lot of bills to pay and no income and I felt I was going backwards in life instead of forward.I applied to a lot of jobs but they all said I was missing certain technical skills.It was making me feel more like the time and money I spent on my degree was useless. 3 months later, I visit my family and I manage to get a job totally unrelated to my field of work. I felt very optimistic about it and its been 6 months since I've started work but I've realized its making me feel more depressed. I got disconnected from all my friends that I've been around with for a while and the job is terrible. The people I work with are unprofessional,unethical,corrupt.The country is filled with uncivilized people and work is done poorly plus the pay is not so good. It made me more depressed knowing that I've come to learn in order to progress but the nature of the work is making me go backwards instead of forward. I always find myself thinking I want to go back to where I was where I was around with my friends and civilized people because I don't have a good worklife nor a good social life at the moment. Yet, I still find myself sitting here going on with my misery knowing that I can move and make a change but still scared that I'll be back with the same misery I was. I'm so confused in what I should in my life.

I was always good in convincing other people except myself. My friends used to always consult me about different topics and they always thought I was very reasonable to them and was able to clarify things and matters in life. I look at myself now and I see I can't manage myself and was never able to. I was just going with the flow with no plan in my head and no vision of what I want to be in the future.When I'm with my friends,I have the time of my life because I'm careless and enjoying it. When I'm alone I keep pondering my existence and what I should be doing and I keep going in circles. I hardly sleep at night because of this.I am self motivated but I'm blind.I can't find my passion in my life. My only comfort are my family and friends (which is normal) but I have a boundary and something that's pulling me back and I don't know what it is.Its driving me crazy and its been happening for years. I know there are people that are in a much worse condition that I am but I know that happiness is a state of mind and I'm not happy.I'm afraid to make a change as every time I do,I keep going one step behind and ask myself why did I do this in the first place.

I appreciate anyone who answers me for taking the time to read this LONG LONG story.

If you had the perfect job that fulfilled you emotionally and mentally, what would it be? (Mine is working in a library and using both sides of my brain -- cataloging books as well as interaction with staff and patrons.)

Have you ever figured out how much money you need per week or even per month to live on, for bills and for fun?

The thing is I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what kind of job would keep me satisfied. I keep bouncing from one stage to another.I'm having terrible mood swings and I get bored a lot of times. I first worked as a technical support analyst. All I did was answering calls and give basic tech support to computer illiterate people. There were analysts working with me who were like 37 years old and they are happy with their job. Some of them stayed on that job for like 10 years but to them,it was perfectly cool. I sometimes envy them as to how simple their acceptance of their life is and how they learned to actually adopt and settle down in that condition. I just can't seem to settle down and the more time passes,the more I panic as I feel being stuck and I become indecisive. The problem is I don't really know what I like unless I try it out and its impossible to try everything.

I feel I owe a lot to my family;there were a lot of social problems when I was a kid and my parents had financial troubles yet they always tried to give me what I want and give me the best education possible and they still support me now in whatever I need but I want to be the one to support them now.I feel like I owe them a lot and I want them to be proud of me.They are proud of me but I'm not proud of myself.I still feel I have to give back more but I can't. I can barely support myself. That's one thing.

The other is that throughout my life, all my friends were much better off financially then I was. It just happened to be like this so I kind of got used to higher standards so my goal was to improve my status as it will give me confidence and an improved quality of life plus I feel I'll be able to prove myself. Now,that I'm alone, I get sometimes sudden thoughts that I don't need this. That to be surrounded by someone you love is by itself a wonderful success in life but this thought comes and goes. I find myself defying my thoughts but I can't help it. Something is missing in my life and I don't know what it is.

The thing is I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what kind of job would keep me satisfied. I keep bouncing from one stage to another.I'm having terrible mood swings and I get bored a lot of times. I first worked as a technical support analyst. All i did was answering calls and give basic tech support to computer illiterate people. There were analysts working with me who were like 37 years old and they are happy with their job. Some of them stayed on that job for like 10 years but to them,it was perfectly cool. I sometimes envy them as to how simple their acceptance of their life is and how they learned to actually adopt and settle down in that condition. I just can't seem to settle down and the more time passes,the more I panic as I feel being stuck and i become indecisive. The problem is I dont really know what i like unless i try it out and its impossible to try everything.

I feel i owe a lot to my family;there were a lot of social problems when i was a kid and my parents had financial troubles yet they always tried to give me what I want and give me the best education possible and they still support me now in whatever i need but I want to be the one to support them now.I feel like I owe them a lot and I want them to be proud of me.They are proud of me but I'm not proud of myself.I still feel I have to give back more but I can't. I can barely support myself. That's one thing.

The other is that throughout my life, all my friends were much better off financially then I was. It just happenned to be like this so I kind of got used to higher standards so my goal was to improve my status as it will give me confidence and an improved quality of life plus I feel I'll be able to prove myself. Now,that I'm alone, I get sometimes sudden thoughts that I dont need this. That to be surrounded by someone you love is by itself a wonderful success in life but this thought comes and goes. I find myself defying my thoughts but I can't help it. Something is missing in my life and I dont know what it is.
Why are you beating yourself up so much?? The best repayment to your parents is to find a job that pleases you and keeps you off the streets. And stop comparing yourself to your friends.

My younger son did that. A couple of his high school friends got jobs right out of school and were making $30,000 a year playing video games for a company. My son went to college and also to grad school and is now making almost three times what they are--plus they are in dead-end jobs whereas the company he is with has bigger opportunities for him.

You don't have to work exactly in your field of study. You have picked up all sorts of skills and abilities that are worth something in other areas too. And one doesn't graduate from college fully formed. My younger son, after college graduation, worked as a house parent for disabled young men, worked in a bank office, did data entry for a national company that rates hospitals and nursing homes, and finally got a night job at a help desk. That last job led to day work at that company (a worldwide company that paid for grad school tuition) and, after seven years, took him to where he is now at another company three blocks away.

There are many roads to Rome.

Go to your local community college career department and take tests such as the Myers-Briggs (personality inventory, to find out "who" you are) and an interest test (to find out what you're good at). Meet with one of the career counselors there to explore the possibilities and figure out in which direction you should go now. This all should be free or very low cost.

I think what has happened to you is a dose of reality in the free marketplace. "Barbarians" who can do a good job get hired and are happy with what they do. :) Unqualified tech guys don't get hired. That is the free marketplace.

And, also, you have a bit of the snob in you... it is giving you much unhappiness, the snobbery. That is cutting you off from life's passion. That is cutting you off from other people.

You have to fiind a way to get connected with lots of real people in your life.

My very best wishes to you, :)

Wondergirl had an excellent idea

Go to your local community college career department and take tests such as the Myers-Briggs (personality inventory, to find out "who" you are) and an interest test (to find out what you're good at). Meet with one of the career counselors there to explore the possibilities and figure out in which direction you should go now. This all should be free or very low cost.

But, the main ingredient that is missing from your life is what I call POM or peace of mind. Different people get it different ways. I read a lot of personal growth books that can "center" me. Eckhart Tolle is my fav. I don't know what can do it for you but once you have POM you can see clearly, and making choices becomes much easier. It sounds like you get a lot of fulfillment not from your work, but from your friends at work. I was just like that. Take the time to chill, get a grasp on your POM and go from there. I wish you all the best because I have lived what you are living. You will have better days.
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Hi Pacalive,

Interesting story you have, it sounds like I'm a bit in a same boat as you, although we probably have way different backgrounds. My mood swings are sometimes just terrible and I wish I had so much more passion in my life. I'm 24, had a good childhood, my parents are great (I was teased quite a lot at school though), and had fine education. I made some big decisions last year, such as moving from my home country (the Netherlands) to Bangkok, Thailand were I did an internship before and were I like the people so much more. I had so much trouble finding any real connection between people back in the Netherlands, cause college was all about partying and drinking, and I never understood my relationship with friends back there. I am pretty sensitive for a guy I suppose. I'm tired of living alone and I wish I finally find my true woman love, which takes way too long... I hate the moments when I have incredible mood swings when I have met friends and go home, with the feeling of everything being so heavy on me, having the feelings it was all worthless.

Course, it's not all that bad (Lol, just read what I wrote, sounds depressive, but it was written at one of those low mood swings... ), and as you rightfully say, so so so many people in this world are much worse off, so we can be lucky to have a roof above our head and have food 3x a day. Anyway, I'm living the life in exciting ways, love to travel to make myself feel meaningful. It's much better than before, and the change to Thailand, finally being on a good job (I'm in the Resort Hospitality Business), seeing so many exciting things, and keeping myself busy has kept me out of depressions. I contineously try to and in fact do many activities, and I meet with friends regularly 4x a week, sport a lot, also work a lot. Just like you, I just hate being unproductive, but sometimes it seems you don't even know what 'being product' means. I usually love the moments the best when I did something 'productive', whatever it means, and then enjoying it afterwards while driving home or something.

I'm trying to understand these mood swings, and in some ways it has to relate to spirituality, or idd as some people here talk about the POM, Peace of Mind. But seriously, I find it really hard to grasp. I'm worried that the more I progress the more I try to avoid pain, that would be, mental pain. Which brings along longing, desire, etc. I don't know... making me feel uncomfortable in many many times. I keep searching for that "POM", maybe I have to go to back to spiritual study and devotion... anyway, maybe some things I've written resemble yours, figured it helps. Can't give you any direct answers but might write more when I figure some things out. FYI, I am very much interested in studying philosophy, religion and concepts of happiness, morals, science etc. etc. but it all seems to give little answers... oh well as they say here in Thailand, 'Chai Jen Jen' - take it easy.

Regards,

Cuno