I'm getting marry in a month I'm Muslim and my fiancé is Muslim too. Our marriage has been arrange by parents. The problem is that I'm not a virgin and I'm scared on my wedding night is future husband is going to realized that I'm not a virgin!! What should I do?? I don't know what to do because he just came from a Muslim country and if I tell him he would not understand!. please and advise of any kind.. I'm in danger

Just tell him you you broke your Hyman (if that's your concern) riding a bike. I know someone who had a nasty fall on a bike seat and broke theirs... seriously.

^Yeah, or tell him you broke it when you started using tampons.

The best solution would try and be honest with him. But I know there are probably some cultural differences that could cause you problems.

Excuse me? You said you are in danger! Why do you feel like you are in danger? Why are you agreeing to marry this man if you cannot be honest with him and you don't feel safe? I don't care what religion you are. Your safety comes first, and you should not start any marriage with no trust or dishonesty!

The best solution would try and be honest with him. But I know there are probably some cultural differences that could cause you problems.

Never mind the cultural differences! This is NOT a good reason to marry someone if she feels in "danger!"

^Yeah, or tell him you broke it when you started using tampons.

Yeah, lying is a wonderful way to start a marriage! I won't give you a reddie, but this is not good advice. I don't understand why both of you are thinking that lying is the solution to this?!

You're right. It was bad advice. But the reality is some of these cultural differences can get pretty messy when people instill the North American point of view.

This could very well be a much touchier subject than you are making it out to be.

You said you are in danger! Why do you feel like you are in danger?

Starby, women in some cultures have been known to have been stoned to death if they are not virgins on their wedding night. In those cultures women are nothing more than mere possessions.

Big differences between western and eastern culture.. I've lived in many different countries plus working with people's issues, I agree that you should let this secret die with you... don't tell hime ever, even you've had sex with the whole fleet. Men's ego is fragile... just say NO.

If you marry an American or Canadian or a Brit, it's different story.

Perfectdolls: Can you tell us why you feel you are in danger? Is your family and soon to be inlaws strict with their beliefs?

Which country will you be residing in after marriage?

I agree J9.

I don't think we know enough about the Muslim customs and rules to give an accurate answer here.

I hope the OP comes back and explains her situation a bit better. Maybe someone with more info on the Muslim beliefs can come to offer some advice.

I do know that some religions are very strict about their women being virgins when they marry. I just have to wonder why this girl would put herself at risk by having sex, she must have known what would happen if she did so.

Altenweg: it almosts reads like the OP is not currently in a Muslim country.. so that may explain why she lost her virginity. Throwing caution to the wind and all that.

Someone who is familiar with the beliefs definitely needs to get in here.

I agree a la king. I have no idea what the Muslim faith entails or what can happen if the fact that she's not a virgin is discovered.

I do know that some countries and religions are very strict, as J9 said, some girls are killed if they aren't virgins on their wedding night.

I hope this girl comes back so that we can try to help her.

Starby, women in some cultures have been known to have been stoned to death if they are not virgins on their wedding night. In those cultures women are nothing more than mere possessions.

I realise that J. I could be wrong, it sounds like she lives in a western culture, and he is coming from a muslim country. Regardless, I think if she feels like she could be in danger, she needs to protect herself at any cost, regardless of religion. I just got the sense that she is very scared, and reaching out for help. I think we need Firmy's help here!

Excuse me? You said you are in danger! Why do you feel like you are in danger? Why are you agreeing to marry this man if you cannot be honest with him and you don't feel safe? I don't care what religion you are. Your safety comes first, and you should not start off any marriage with no trust or dishonesty!

Haha I don't think you know enough about muslim culture.:D Forcing people to do things, physically abusing is normal in their culture and means to discipline.

Haha I dont think you know enough about muslim culture.:D Forcing people to do things, physically abusing is normal in their culture and means to discipline.

I didn't imply that I knew about enough about the culture, although I do know some. What I do know about is abuse, and it is not right no matter what culture you live in, or what religion you follow. I don't care what they call "normal." Physical abuse should not be tolerated period. We do however have an expert here that I have asked to help out with the OP's question.

I assume you found it funny that I was in fact trying to help this girl?

Their whole culture is like that. It is normal in their culture if men are very commanding and aggressive. I can only wish her for best. I know that the line is crossed when somebody is scared. But hey its culture clash. If she stands against it, her whole family will turn their back and disown her for it.

You don't want to know what penalities she could have under Quran for having sex before marriage. She's best left to give a false but believable story in this case.

Yeah, lying is a wonderful way to start a marriage! I won't give you a reddie, but this is not good advice. I don't understand why both of you are thinking that lying is the solution to this?!!

OK, well if she takes your advice and doesn't lie about it, she could risk her life. I'm telling you people, Muslim marriage is on a whole different level than non-Islamic marriage. It's not even the same thing. Being a virgin when first being married is a very important thing, and marriage in general is a very important thing within Islam.

Seriously, if you want to marry him, you're going to have to dodge this one and tell him that you inserted a tampon and broke your hymen... if you fear for your life or even reputation. Sometimes you might have to stretch the truth a bit to protect yourself. This is not even something that should hurt him if he found out later that you lied... like he would be so personally hurt if he found out you weren't a virgin when you married. That'd be shallow on his part. But of course because of your religion I can't judge on that...

You should tell him before you marry him. That way, if he has a problem with it it's not too late.

Big differences between western and eastern culture.. I've lived in many different countries plus working with people's issues, I agree that you should let this secret die with you... don't tell hime ever, even you've had sex with the whole fleet. Men's ego is fragile... just say NO.

If you marry an American or Canadian or a Brit, it's different story.

I want to do that : die with that secret but I don't think I could live like that Im born in American and teenage years here are not that easy to walk out virgin, some much pressure. I'm 25 years old and he would not forgive me if he finds out he would give me the divorce maybe on the same night if he finds out Im not.

Perfectdolls: Can you tell us why you feel you are in danger? Is your family and soon to be inlaws strict with their beliefs?

Which country will you be residing in after marriage?

I would be in danger because he will divorce me and if I was back in my parents country they would have killed me. I'll be staying in America but if he finds out is pretty bad because he would tell my parents, divorce me and after that I don't think my parents will ever want to talk to me.

If you can afford it, there is a procedure called a hymenoplasty...

hymenoplasty - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=hymenoplasty&btnG=Google+Search&aq=f&oq=)

If you can afford it, there is a procedure called a hymenoplasty......

hymenoplasty - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=hymenoplasty&btnG=Google+Search&aq=f&oq=)

Omg! I would seriously do anything! If I don't pass that night as a virgin I will loose my family and husband and after that future will be gone.

I know it's rather expensive, and I'm not sure whether it can be done in a month, but look at the Google search I found for you. Maybe there is a plastic surgeon in your area that can do this for you.

If you can afford it, there is a procedure called a hymenoplasty......

hymenoplasty - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=hymenoplasty&btnG=Google+Search&aq=f&oq=)

I was just reading what you sent me! Its pretty awesome the problem is a lot of money but I will seriously consider that...

J9 its very expensive but I will waste every dollar on that but sounds like a scary procedure

I hope it works for you. Good luck!!

It has actually become very common in recent years.

J9 its very expensive but I will waste every dollar on that but sounds like a scary procedure

It's not really that scary considering all of the other surgeries that happen on a daily basis. You just need to be sure that the doctor is a certified plastic surgeon. GET REFERENCES!!

It's not really that scary considering all of the other surgeries that happen on a daily basis. You just need to be sure that the doctor is a certified plastic surgeon. GET REFERENCES!!!

OK OMG! I'm in shock! I didn't know I was going to get marry so soon. It has been arrange by my parents so sudden I just have no choice.

ok OMG! I'm in shock! I didnt know I was going to get marry so soon. It has been arrange by my parents so sudden I just have no choice.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. One would think that this day in age we, around the world, can marry the one we love, not the one that our parents think is right for us.

Have you even met this man?

Yes I met him twice, when he propose and when we got engaged. He's a lot older and I'm sure he has lot of experience.

Do you live in the US or outside the US?

In usa

Are you in love with him? Is he the man you want to spend the REST of your life with?

I understand the cultures are different, and I respect that, but this is the 21st century and we are not possessions any longer. We women are human beings who deserve to be happy and be in love with the one we will live with forever.

Hello perfect:

I DO realize the danger you're in. It could be even worse than a divorce. I hope you're able to get the procedure that J_9 is recommending. It sounds PERFECT for your situation...

But, I have to tell you, speaking as your ordinary dumb guy, I could be fooled rather easily if the girl had a good story and knew how to squeeze her vagina pretty tight. Even, if you're not a virgin, and you held yourself that way, he's going to have to push. You may very well bleed too, and in your case, that ain't bad.

Besides, HE'S supposed to be a virgin too, isn't he? That would mean that he'd have no idea what to expect from a virgin or a non virgin.

excon

Ex, Dear...

I don't believe the men have to be virgins. They are allowed to get their experience prior to marriage.

I may be wrong though... It won't be the first time today.

Hello perfect:

I DO realize the danger you're in. It could be even worse than a divorce. I hope you're able to get the procedure that J_9 is recommending. It sounds PERFECT for your situation....

But, I have to tell you, speaking as your ordinary dumb guy, I could be fooled rather easily if the girl had a good story and knew how to squeeze her vagina pretty tight. Even, if you're not a virgin, and you held yourself that way, he's going to have to push. You may very well bleed too, and in your case, that ain't bad.

Besides, HE'S supposed to be a virgin too, isn't he? That would mean that he'd have no idea what to expect from a virgin or a non virgin.

excon

I hope so, if he is a virgin he would have no clue but I think olders explain when men are getting married what they should do on their wedding night and how to know if she is a virgin, that's what Im scared of.

Ex, Dear...

I don't believe the men have to be virgins. They are allowed to get their experience prior to marriage.

I may be wrong though....It won't be the first time today.

Your so nice! You gave such idea, I can't STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT MEDICAL PROCEDURE.

Are you in love with him? Is he the man you want to spend the REST of your life with?

I understand the cultures are different, and I respect that, but this is the 21st century and we are not possessions any longer. We women are human beings who deserve to be happy and be in love with the one we will live with forever.

I know what you mean but is more more complicated then that

your so nice! you gave such idea, I can't STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT MEDICAL PROCEDURE.

Sweetie, I really hope it works out for you. I just can't imagine living in a culture where I have to marry someone who I am not in love with. I just can't fathom spending the rest of my life with someone who is not my soulmate that I personally handpicked to be the father of my children.

But, cultures and societies are different, we must remember and respect that.

This is sad because on America Most Wanted last week, or the week before last, this guy kill his teenage daughters becauase they wanted boyfriends, join the cheerleading squap, and hang out with friends after school. They wanted to do the normal teenage stuff and mind you they were straight A students. He got mad because they wanted to live their life as Americans and he wasn't having that. He wanted to live and respect their Muslim hestiage and even threated to ship them back to their country. Instead he killed them by shooting them to death and called it an honor kill. That brought tears to my eyes because it was so sad but people from this countries do that.

Also, I hear about a 13 year old being stoned to death after she reported being rape by 2 adults. Don't you know they stoned her because they blamed the little girl. Meanwhile, nothing happen to the guys. Now if that would've happen here the guys would be behind bars. Sad!

Sweetie, I really hope it works out for you. I just can't imagine living in a culture where I have to marry someone who I am not in love with. I just can't fathom spending the rest of my life with someone who is not my soulmate that I personally handpicked to be the father of my children.

But, cultures and societies are different, we must remember and respect that.

We honestly believe that love will come after marriage. There's a saying that said "Is better to love the one you marry then marry the one you love" It probably sounds so strange to you... well you're not the only one.

we honestly belive that love will come after marriage. there's a saying that said "Is better to love the one you marry then marry the one you love" It probably sounds so strange to you... well you're not the only one.

Out of curiosity, for my own "educational" purposes, what if the one you marry turns out to be abusive and controlling? At least if you marry the one you love then you know from the get go.

Out of curiosity, for my own "educational" purposes, what if the one you marry turns out to be abusive and controlling? At least if you marry the one you love then you know from the get go.

Your are allow to divorce him anytime if he is not a good husband

your are allow to divorce him anytime if he is not a good husband

Interesting... in Western culture divorce used to be frowned upon, it's not so much today as it was years ago, but we take vows to be together for better or worse for the REST of our lives.

The problem is not just proving my going to be husband that "I'm a virgin" the problem is with God. Im going to feel like a liar for the rest of my life I know I shouldn't have done that but I was so young didn't think of the punishment. When I got older over the years when I became more religious I realized how bad I did.

Some delimma your in, but God forgives, and so should you forgive yourself.

On you wedding night, apply a lubricant to ease the pain of your "first time" and he will never know the difference. What is he a doctor? The truth is many females have their hymen broken without the sexual act.

My concern is your safety, as no matter what the rules of a culture are, survival comes first, and when you get to know this fellow, you can judge the actions to take later.

Hope it works out.

Some delimma your in, but God forgives, and so should you forgive yourself.

On you wedding night, apply a lubricant to ease the pain of your "first time" and he will never know the difference. What is he a doctor? The truth is many females have their hymen broken without the sexual act.

My concern is your safety, as no matter what the rules of a culture are, survival comes first, and when you get to know this fellow, you can judge the actions to take later.

Hope it works out.

U mean to put it after the sx?? Like pretending it hurts?

I truly feel for you perfectdolls, I can't imagine being in your situation, it just goes to show how little we know of others beliefs.

You could tell a little white lie, that you lost your hymen some other way, I personally know many women who didn't have a hymen their first time due to other circumstances.

I realize that you feel that lying is a great sin, but really, it's your life on the line, and after the first night, it's no longer a big deal, you just have to get through that night.

I wish you luck, I hope that everything goes well. The surgery that J9 suggested is actually pretty common now, heck, even Jay Leno was talking about it on his show the other night. But, it's expensive, and I don't know how you'd get it done without your family knowing.

Whatever solution you find I hope that it all works out. I'm so sorry that you you're going through this.

Good luck and God bless. :)

I truly feel for you perfectdolls, I can't imagine being in your situation, it just goes to show how little we know of others beliefs.

You could tell a little white lie, that you lost your hymen some other way, I personally know many women who didn't have a hymen their first time due to other circumstances.

I realize that you feel that lying is a great sin, but really, it's your life on the line, and after the first night, it's no longer a big deal, you just have to get through that night.

I wish you luck, I hope that everything goes well. The surgery that J9 suggested is actually pretty common now, heck, even Jay Leno was talking about it on his show the other night. But, it's expensive, and I don't know how you'd get it done without your family knowing.

Whatever solution you find I hope that it all works out. I'm so sorry that you you're going through this.

Good luck and God bless. :)

How would they know? The surgery is $5,900 dollars in NY is so expensive... but I guess that's my only option.

You'd have to go to the hospital for the surgery, that's how they might find out, unless you can hide the fact that you're in the hospital. That's my only concern.

I truly hope that you can find a way to get this done, I do believe it's your best option.

I wish you all the best.

u mean to put it after the sex??? like pretending it hurts?
No, use it before sex, as he can't tell if you have a hymen or not. Hey look, that has to be better than surgery to give you a new one. I would imagine it will take time to heal, and its no telling how long that will be. A lubricant will also hide the fact your not as tight as he thinks you should be.

Either way your lying. But your saving yourself a lot of cultural backlash. To bad you just can't say no marriage. That would be the thing to do.

I just read that it takes 6 weeks to heal but Im getting marry in 4 weeks. How can I delate sex with him, what should I tell him?

3 weeks after being marry I want but I don't have an excuse why not to do it with him.

Okay, I did some research and found a website, just go to the link below.

I cannot give my recommendation of this product, I only know what was written on the site. If it does what it claims then it may be your best bet, but, once again, I don't know if it does what it claims or if it is safe and undetectable.

You're going to have to decide for yourself.

The Hymen: Breaking the Myths | Our Bodies Our Blog (http://www.ourbodiesourblog.org/blog/2008/12/the-hymen-breaking-the-myths)

Go to the site and then clik on the link for the artificial virginity hymen, it will take you to the order page.

Hey perfect doll,
I just read your posts and found it rather distrubing.. I am a muslim and I find it rather shocking that you are marrying a man you have only met twice? That is shocking as most muslim parents are much more liberal these days and actually let you get to know the guy a lot more- like dating with permission- a question I have for you is why did you not ask your parents that you would like to get to know him better?
Second thing is if this guy is coming from an non western country to a western one- he will find it hard to adjust to life, as expected. Has anyone actually asked him to come and spend some time in the US.. what if he does not like the way of living? Then what are you goingto do- or your family going to do?
I know many of my muslim friends that are not virgins when they get married- in fact I think none of them were- I don't believe you have to have sex on the first night? This is real life and not bollywood... maybe you should tell your husband- that you would like to get to know him first and let the sex come when you are both ready to do it? That would make more sense and more sensible for you both- you never know- you may actually like your husband in time and so when you have sex- it may all work out... I am sorry but I don't think people are expected to have sex straight on the wedding night these days..
You don't have to bleed to be a virgin these days, I think many sensible guys will know it is so easy to break a hymen- your best solution is just to tell him- you do lots of sports and you must have lost it naturally. OKay if you were 15 years old - then it would be different- but your 25. I don't think you need to go and have the procedure done.
I assume your husband is a virgin as well- in that case- he will have no idea what is what - so stop worrying.
I think you need to be more rational with your thoughts and think about how you can better the situation for yourself.
Finally, if you don't wantto marry this guy you should be able to tell your parents and you should be able to discuss your reasons with them, I am sure if they saw how unhappy you were and how worried you were with your problems (apart from the hymen one).. I think they will listen to you..
Good luck

Wow this is a problem

Zeenie

I have only met him twice but I talk daily on the phone with him or online. He is a very good guy and I feel bad that I have to do this. He is so great that I think he deserves better, I only wish I was more religious in my teenage years because I would have never done that knowing what I know now.

Hi Perfectdolls,
If youthink he is a good guy- then start enjoying your life and start looking forward to getting married. Spend time talking to him about the things you guys would like to do for your future, tell him you would like to get to know him a lot better before you get close. I think a good guy will respect that and would not expect to have sex asap - go slow and just enjoy your life and get to know him just like one would. If he respects you , he will not push you! At the end of the day I am sure he would like to have sex where you both would be happy to do it rather than a chore!Don't worry for the hymen situation- when the time comes you will just tell him that many girls loose it during sports and that it is so common etc.. No need for procedures! I am glad to hear that you are talking daily- so you are getting to know him more day by day - keep doing that! SOunds like the danger feeling may pass?

The hymen actually can be broken by activities such as horse back riding...

It's a very delicate tissue and it can be broken in a number of ways with the girl still a virgin.

I do feel for you and your culture. I understand it too. The only option you have are 1. tell him the truth. 2. get the expensive surgery 3. say and do nothing

I especially understand the only meeting him twice... I met my husband twice before marrying him. We talked about 8 hours a day over the phone. I'm jewish too so there are similarities.

My best advice to you is... Tell him when you were a teenager you weren't that religious but when you got older you found the errors of your ways and found g-d. This is pretty much the short version of what I told my husband. Our marriage is great

I know this sounds deceiving because it is but if it saves your life it is worth it.
I say prick your finger somehow and put the blood on the sheet and get embarrassed and go to the bathroom and clean up the blood.
Come back feeling embarrassed and he will leave you alone.

I don't ever believe in games but until you can get help and get out this is an option.

Forgive me for encouraging deceit but your life is more important!

I know this sounds deceiving because it is but if it saves your life it is worth it.
I say prick your finger somehow and put the blood on the sheet and get embarrassed and go to the bathroom and clean up the blood.
Come back feeling embarrassed and he will leave you alone.

I don't ever believe in games but until you can get help and get out this is an option.

Forgive me for encouraging deceit but your life is more important!!

Thank you for you idea :(

I especially understand the only meeting him twice... I met my husband twice before marrying him. We talked about 8 hours a day over the phone. I'm jewish too so there are similarities.

My best advice to you is... Tell him when you were a teenager you weren't that religious but when you got older you found the errors of your ways and found g-d. This is pretty much the short version of what i told my husband. Our marriage is great

But I don't think he would understand he will probably be dissapointed...

but I dont think he would understand he will probably be dissapointed...

Which country is your future husband from?

Umm... I don't recall bleeding during my first time. Does this always happens? How do they know really? He's not a doctor. He's a virgin too. How would he know what to look for?

I agree with Compsavvyimnot, if he is a virgin and has not seen pussycat dolls in MTV or something- he will not have any idea what he is looking for and what to do... I think in such cases he will be more worried about if he did it right, did she feel right, and what was that- the hymen issue would never cross his mind- especiallly if this is his first time! He will be more busy with what exploded in his brain cells- so to speak :-)!

Are you allowed to be mad at him if he's not a virgin?

the problem is not just proving my going to be husband that "I'm a virgin" the problem is with God. Im going to feel like a liar for the rest of my life I know i shouldnt have done that but I was so young didnt think of the punishment. When I got older over the years when I became more religious I realized how bad I did.

Assalaam alaikum sister,

You have reached the first step - you regret your mistake.
Next step is to ask Allah(sw) for forgiveness.
Then you discontinue whatever wrong you were doing... Insha Allah you will have forgiveness of the Most Merciful.

About your husband-to-be- he does not necessarily have to know about it because for one, it will create more problems for you and him than solve your dilemma.

It is your secret,between you and Allah(sw), keep it that way.

Do not panic, calm down and pray Istikhara
Istikhara: The Guidance Prayer (http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?ID=1056)

If in case he questions your virginity, you can give an excuse of it being due to any of the physical activities done in school or sports.

Baarakallah feekum

Wa alaikum salaam

EDIT::
Thanks Starby for directing me here :)

Starbuck... I think SHE would know if he was a Doctor or not.:rolleyes:
And I was actually asking the questions. Does Everyone bleed during their first time? Does any man unlesshe's popped mulitple of virgins really know what to look for?

Starbuck...I think SHE would know if he was a Doctor or not.:rolleyes:
And I was actually asking the questions. Does Everyone bleed during their first time?? Does any man unlesshe's popped mulitple of virgins really know what to look for??

I don't think it is like bleeding as in bleeding from a cut (and you find it on the sheets and all),but there is a sort of discharge for some,not sure if that happens to all.

I totally agree with Judy Kay... Please excuse my crudeness. I didn't mean it that way. I should have put more thought into my vocabulary. Sorry if it offended anybody, it was not my intentions.:)

Assalaam alaikum sister,

You have reached the first step - you regret your mistake.
Next step is to ask Allah(sw) for forgiveness.
Then you discontinue whatever wrong you were doing...Insha Allah you will have forgiveness of the Most Merciful.

About your husband-to-be- he does not necessarily have to know about it because for one, it will create more problems for you and him than solve your dilemma.

It is your secret,between you and Allah(sw), keep it that way.

Do not panic, calm down and pray Istikhara
Istikhara: The Guidance Prayer (http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?ID=1056)

If in case he questions your virginity, you can give an excuse of it being due to any of the physical activities done in school or sports.

Baarakallah feekum

Wa alaikum salaam

EDIT::
Thanks Starby for directing me here :)

Assalaam alaikum

Thank you so much! I felt so much better after reading this I hope everything goes well...

Which country is ure future husband from?

Pakistan

Are you allowed to be mad at him if hes not a virgin?

Yes but how would I know...

Assalaam alaikum sister,

You have reached the first step - you regret your mistake.
Next step is to ask Allah(sw) for forgiveness.
Then you discontinue whatever wrong you were doing...Insha Allah you will have forgiveness of the Most Merciful.

About your husband-to-be- he does not necessarily have to know about it because for one, it will create more problems for you and him than solve your dilemma.

It is your secret,between you and Allah(sw), keep it that way.

Do not panic, calm down and pray Istikhara
Istikhara: The Guidance Prayer (http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?ID=1056)

If in case he questions your virginity, you can give an excuse of it being due to any of the physical activities done in school or sports.

Baarakallah feekum

Wa alaikum salaam

EDIT::
Thanks Starby for directing me here :)

I will pray the Istikhara thank you so much for your advice

If you tell me that another person has had sex with you the relationship is over and he will see you as a slut for possibly forever. Don't worry about him finding out. Let him think what he wants. He cannot tell from having sex with you whether you're a virgin. Most men have never slept with a virgin so we have no frame of reference. Besides, if he does have a frame of reference then he has committed the same 'injustice' to someone else right?

Just to clear up one question. No, not all women bleed their first time even if the hymen is intact. Blood does not mean virginity.

In by the way what part of Pakistan is this.I am from karachi and I have never heard of such nonsense,when I was there almost 6 to 7 years ago dating was a pretty common thing.If this guy lives in pakistan he must know that most girls even in pakistan are not virgins.

I agree with Dare 81!

If you like the person you are marrying with , do not reveal him the truth and fix some stories about the loss of virginity. But I am scared... will he believe you or not? What if he is not satisfied with your explanation?

In btw what part of Pakistan is this.I am from karachi and i have never heard of such nonsense,when i was there almost 6 to 7 years ago dating was a pretty common thing.If this guy lives in pakistan he must know that most girls even in pakistan are not virgins.

He is from Peshawar I hope is like you said but it doesn't seem like it!

if you like the person you are marrying with , do not reveal him the truth and fix some stories about the loss of virginity. but i am scared ...will he believe you or not?? what if he is not satisfied with your explanation?

That's what I have in my head that maybe he won't believe me!

I understand the situation, how do you feel about lying? No guilt, or feeling ashamed, then go ahead. I would I'm kind of in the same situation, not being a virgin. I don't think I could lie though. If he does find out inshallah he is a understanding husband.

do what you feel is best, take care x x x

How do ypu feel about lying? Would you feel guilty? Ashamed? Do what you feel is best for you. Maybe cut the engagement if you feel that he wouldn't understand, engagments can be cut off. If he does find out inshallah he will be understanding,

how do ypu feel about lying? would you feel guilty? ashamed? do what you feel is best for you. maybe cut the engagment if you feel that he wouldnt understand, engagments can be cut off. if he does find out inshallah he will be understanding,


Yes I'm feeling guilty right now and I don't want him to find out at all no matter what it won't be the same because he will ask me everything and how it was and I wouldn't want to get into detail with my husband about that stuff and I don't want to cancel the wedding because he is good is everything I ever expected. I hope girls read this and don't make the same mistake I did because I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Get married,go on w your lives.

Just pretend LOL.

If it's been a while, I am sure he wouldn't understand anyway,because it would be his first time. He wouldn't understand what the diffrence is.

Good luck!

Get married,go on w your lives.

Just pretend LOL.

If it's been a while, I am sure he wouldn't understand anyways,because it would be his first time. He wouldn't understand what the diffrence is.

Good luck!

Once again, you haven't taken the time to read through all of the posts. If you had, you had read other details. If you are going to give advice here, please make sure you have understood the dynamics, and are giving something that is relevant or helpful to the OP.

Telling her to "just pretend" is not at all helpful, and in fact not a laughing matter!

I am trying to help.
I was joking with the pretend thing,hence why I said LOL,and then after said a HONEST answer on what I was thinking.'

Maybe this site isn't what I thought it was. I am deaf and can not explain everything right, I guess. I do read through all posts.

Maybe I should delete then,and just leave it alone.

I am trying to help.
I was joking with the pretend thing,hence why I said LOL,and then after said a HONEST answer on what I was thinking.'

Maybe this site isn't what I thought it was. I am deaf and can not explain everything right, I guess. I do read thru all posts.

Maybe I should delete then,and just leave it alone.

It's fine. Don't worry, I just wanted to point it out. This is a great site. I just wanted to make you aware that had you read the prior posts, you would have understood her situation better. No worries! There is some very good advice here. :)

Again,like you said 'there are some good advices here'. Some people are not going to like others answers,disagree or agree.

I stated an answer which was just forget about it,and go on.He prob won't notice any changes since he is a virgin,and wouldn't know much about it. I did read her post,and read all the others. I know mine isn't a good answer,but it's a guess.

I know that you were trying to point it out,but I have no clue why you said 'Once again,you haven't took time to read through the posts'.. did you say something before? I am a bit confused. However, I do not want to argue in someone's thread. People are going to give answers that people will not agree with.

again,like you said 'there are some good advices here'. Some people are not going to like others answers,disagree or agree.

I stated an answer which was just forget about it,and go on.He prob won't notice any changes since he is a virgin,and wouldn't know much about it. I did read her post,and read all the others. I know mine isn't a good answer,but its a guess.

I know that you were trying to point it out,but I have no clue why you said 'Once again,you haven't took time to read thru the posts'.. did you say something before? I am a bit confused. However, I do not want to argue in someone's thread. People are going to give answers that people will not agree with.

Okay! I was trying to be nice with you. The reason I know that you haven't read everything, is because it has not been established at all that this man is a virgin! You don't know the facts, and you don't know about the religion, from what you've said. I have to say I don't either, but I respect it, and I read through everything so I could understand. Did you not read that the OP doesn't know herself whether or or he's a virgin? If I missed that, kindly point it out.

That is only one of the reasons I was trying to be kind with you, and was only trying to help you out with making sure you read through before responding. I said "once again," because I had read a prior post of yours, but that's neither here nor there. If you want to get defensive, I know there is a reason for that and I will not engage you in your "right fight." Now, can we just move on?

Perfect dolls: I sympathise with your situation so much. Being Muslim (male) myself I can totally understand where you are coming from.

Having lived in London for 19 years and being born in the USA, I have lived a pretty much 'western' life just like any other. My parents are pretty liberal and only ask that I marry a Muslim.

Back to your issue - I have a best friend (female, muslim, 20 years old) who is dreading the day she has to go through this and let me first off say how brave you are, because I can understand that what is going on with you is a serious matter and really does need a solution.

My friend, has felt guilty, felt as if she is living a lie, doesn't feel worthy etc that she has had sex - she feels like she has betrayed everyone she knows. She doesn't know whethe she will subject to an arranged marriage by her parents, but she does know that if her dad and grandparents found out, they would lose a lot of respect for her.

I want to just add - I have this feeling you family are more 'traditional' and strict and my advice to you would be to NOT tell your future husband that you aren't a virgin because it will ruin your relationship with him, the relationship with your parents will be damaged, you will further alienated by your mistake and you will not be looked on in the same light especially if your parents decide to arrange another marriage will be unlikely.

If you are happy marrying this man, and you are enjoying getting to know him and can see yourself with him then do not do anything. I am not an expert on this hymen business but take the advice of the women on here as to an excuse to use but you yourself must realise that you shouldn't feel guilty - you made a mistake but you have seen the error in your ways and its safe to say you haven't been acting the same - this right here is a testament to your character.

I really do wish you the best. Going through what you are going through is incredibly hard but you have handled it with immense respect and maturity - good on you, you should be really proud you haven't through in the towel so to speak and really care about making this marriage work

All the best.

I had to take advantage of this opportunity to retort on this comment. First of all, I think you may have a different viewpoint of what losing your "virginity" really is...either that, or you take the seat off of the bike before your ride it.

Second off, I think it is clear you may be drunk now, which would guide to to type such an awful response.

Either way, please do some serious thinking...read your post, and until you realize how dumb it sounds, do not leave your house, for you may injure other people with your kind of mentality.

Oh KC! Sorry, I had to spread the rep. You said what was running through my head! Thank you!! Awesome retort! You rock! ;) That was the craziest response I've heard in a long time! ::shakes head:: :rolleyes:

You could do something I heard about a while back, put a sponge inside your vagina that's soaked with red food colouring, it should leak a bit and give the appearance that there is some blood.

you could do something i heard about a while back, put a sponge inside your vagina thats soaked with red food colouring, it should leak a bit and give the appearance that there is some blood.

Are you people on drugs? Seriously? Why would you start a marriage by doing something like this? Let us start our entire foundation on a lie... give me a break! :rolleyes:

Perfect dolls: I sympathise with your situation so much. Being Muslim (male) myself I can totally understand where you are coming from.

Having lived in London for 19 years and being born in the USA, I have lived a pretty much 'western' life just like any other. My parents are pretty liberal and only ask that I marry a Muslim.

Back to your issue - I have a best friend (female, muslim, 20 years old) who is dreading the day she has to go through this and let me first off say how brave you are, because I can understand that what is going on with you is a serious matter and really does need a solution.

My friend, has felt guilty, felt as if she is living a lie, doesnt feel worthy etc that she has had sex - she feels like she has betrayed everyone she knows. She doesnt know whethe she will subject to an arranged marriage by her parents, but she does know that if her dad and grandparents found out, they would lose alot of respect for her.

I want to just add - I have this feeling you family are more 'traditional' and strict and my advice to you would be to NOT tell your future husband that you arent a virgin because it will ruin your relationship with him, the relationship with your parents will be damaged, you will further alienated by your mistake and you will not be looked on in the same light especially if your parents decide to arrange another marriage will be unlikely.

If you are happy marrying this man, and you are enjoying getting to know him and can see yourself with him then do not do anything. I am not an expert on this hymen business but take the advice of the women on here as to an excuse to use but you yourself must realise that you shouldnt feel guilty - you made a mistake but you have seen the error in your ways and its safe to say you havent been acting the same - this right here is a testament to your character.

I really do wish you the best. Going through what you are going through is incredibly hard but you have handled it with immense respect and maturity - good on you, you should be really proud you havent through in the towel so to speak and really care about making this marriage work

All the best.


I don't agree with this. A relationship build on lies is never going to go anywhere.

You dont want to know what penalities she could have under Quran for having sex before marriage. Shes best left to give a false but believable story in this case.

I just want to clearify something about this.about culture you are right,there are some arabian countries or all the arabian countries,which allows the family or the husband to kill the girl if she is not virgin.about quran and islam,this is not allowed.nobody has the right to kill any girl who is not virgin,and who do so should be killed in turn.and if the husband has a problem with that ,he can divorce her and that is so easy in islam (just one word"you are divorced")but he doesn't have the right to tell anybody that she wasn'tt virgin.for this girl,I would advice her to go to a doctor and fix things .its easy nowadays they do it by lesar.wish for her all the best.if not I advice her not to marry this man or marry him and don't go to an arabian country ,stay in a country where she can be protected.thnx

It is against site rules to send PM's to give advice! Read the rules and regulations you agreed to when you joined this site! Thank you!

No, I don't agree with Iawanwadee, but again why would u have sex, when your religon says "not until marriage"... most people are really forgetting their roots... where they came from... just to be "westernized".. come on suck it up princess... now u need help with what U DID!. u need to tell him... and your family... for the stupid choice u made... and I wouldn't goooo so overboard with your in danger... your family may not talk to u for a long time, and u may disgrace your family name... but come on... u knew all this when u had sex... but yes with living in north america there are laws to protect u and me... from crazy people... maybe now u can think more clearly in your choice making, I'm sorry to say :(... God bless

Ws Salaam...

No, I don't agree with Iawanwadee, but again why would u have sex, when your religon says "not until marriage"....most people are really forgetting their roots...where they came from...just to be "westernized"..come on suck it up princess....now u need help with wht U DID!!...u need to tell him.....and your family....for the stupid choice u made...and I wouldn't goooo so overboard with your in danger......your family may not talk to u for a long time, and u may disgrace your family name...but come on ...u knew all this when u had sex...but yes with living in north america there are laws to protect u and me...from crazy people...maybe now u can think more clearly in your choice making, I'm sorry to say :(....God bless

Ws Salaam.....

That was a very judgemental answer you gave there, for your first post on this site! There was no need for name calling, and this is against site rules had you read them. This is not about trying to guilt her to death. I will not give you a disagree at this point, but please read the site rules and regs before answering. Also note that this question is 3 months old, and the OP is likely already married.

EDIT: Proper English is also appreciated! "U" is spelled "YOU"

No, I don't agree with Iawanwadee, but again why would u have sex, when your religon says "not until marriage"....most people are really forgetting their roots...where they came from...just to be "westernized"..come on suck it up princess....now u need help with wht U DID!!...u need to tell him.....and your family....for the stupid choice u made...and I wouldn't goooo so overboard with your in danger......your family may not talk to u for a long time, and u may disgrace your family name...but come on ...u knew all this when u had sex...but yes with living in north america there are laws to protect u and me...from crazy people...maybe now u can think more clearly in your choice making, I'm sorry to say :(....God bless

Ws Salaam.....

The one with no sin cast the first stone.How do you know she is forgetting her roots maybe her roots are in the western world? You are quick to judge her, I am sure you don't act like a sahabi but you want her to act like sahabia.If you can't say anything useful don't say anything at all.

Ws Salam

The one with no sin cast the first stone.How do you know she is forgetting her roots maybe her roots are in the western world??You are quick to judge her, i am sure you don't act like a sahabi but you want her to act like sahabia.If you can't say anything useful don't say anything at all.

Ws Salam


Look who is talking... how do u know that she hasn't forgetting her roots?. It's a staright forward answer, it doesn't matter where u live in the world.. a muslim is a muslim... u go by what u are brought up as a child, therefore the values u learned in koran school, sticks with u. I mean everyone's not prefect, people lie and do other , but in her case she did the worst thing possible... and now there's no way of going back, it's done... u can't re-constrict a new vagina, so u can be a virgin again, god come on she should be thanking god that she didn't catch aids,STDS,'Herpes,Chlamydia,Gonorrhoea,Syphilis,Ge nital Warts,Hepatitis B,Hepatitis C; not to forget oral sex and anal sex, and how u can catch all types of painfully and dirty diseases from that... so therefore either way, on her case, the truth will come out... and both ways have really bad endings.. and whtever u mean by a "Sahabi or Sahabia"... I don't understand what your talking about... and furthermore this may not be good advise for u, but hey this is damn good advise for so many other girls, who are put on the pressure of "it's cool to be sexual active".. I mean come on... it's also cool to live a long and happy live without sexually tranmitted disease, because once u got any of those, it stays with u, and if u don't get it treated, u can pass it to partner, to partner. I mean soon it's going to be like a really sick family tree, with all the people that got infected by u. This is the other point of view... of why it's not the greatest idea too have sex before your married, and if for those who are sexual active use protection; and let your parents know that u are, I know I know... it's going to be really hard, but come on they have a right to know. That and so your not twisted into an arranged marriage, and then it's going to be a hugh shock to your family and tooo the grooms family too.
In other words your parents will at least have the time to make up an excuse,to save face.

God bless :)

I think you have been asked before "u" is spelled "you" we do not allow text speak on this website, please use proper English.

Sahaba are prophets, shabiat is the female version of it.It does not matter a Muslim is a Muslim.That is pretty close minded.Go look at Muslims in India and then go look at them in turkey and then you can tell me they are all the same.

She had sex before marriage , she did not kill anyone.Calm down.I am not sure if her parents have a right to know but her husband does.

Dare81; Sahaba are prophets, shabiat is the female version of it.It does not matter a Muslim is a Muslim.That is pretty close minded.Go look Muslims in India and then go look at them in turkey and then you can tell me they are all the same.

She had sex before marriage , she did not kill anyone.Calm down.I am not sure if her parents have a right to know but her husband does.

I think I had said that on my last post... no ones prefect... blab blab blab... and anyway this is why Muslims stand out from all other religons... and how this is the most unforgettable mistake that u can make... as a women this could be the end of the world... that's why she wrote that she's in danger... and yes it wouldn't matter what yr it is... people don't change what they were though by there parents. In her case, if she's so open minded that she didn't believe why a women must be a virgin and not a man, when they are married... then she should have told her parents... listen this is what is happening and what has happened... and why wouldn't her parents have a right too know... wht is going on their child's life, they have all the rights... I mean parents aren't the monsters that create drama in your life... it's yourself... becasue your not being true too yourself and too others. Your living in a fake world... and it's time to come out of it. This is another example with gay people, and how it's a huge thing when they come out. I'm just saying... if your going to do something, come out and say it... and stop hiding...

God bless :)

[QUOTE=Dare81;1643135]Sahaba are prophets, shabiat is the female version of it.It does not matter a Muslim is a Muslim.That is pretty close minded.Go look Muslims in India and then go look at them in turkey and then you can tell me they are all the same.

She had sex before marriage , she did not kill anyone.Calm down.I am not sure if her parents have a right to know but her husband does.[/QUOTE

I think I had said that on my last post....no ones prefect....blab blab blab.....and anywho this is why muslims stand out from all other religons...and how this is the most unforgetable mistake that u can make...as a women this could be the end of the world...that's why she wrote that she's in danger...and yes it wouldn't matter wht yr it is....people don't change wht they were though by there parents. In her case, if she's so open minded that she didn't believe why a women must be a virgin and not a man, when they are married.....then she should of told her parents...listen this is wht is happening and wht has happened....and why wouldn't her parents have a right too know...wht is going on their childs life, they have all the rights....I mean parents aren't the monsters that create drama in your life...it's yourself...becasue your not being true too yourself and too others. Your living in a fake world....and it's time to come out of it. This is another example with gay people, and how it's a hugh thing when they come out. I'm just saying...if your going to do something, come out and say it...and stop hiding...

God bless :)


Now you are comparing this situation to a gay union? Stop being so angry and insulting and move on please. I have already told you that she is likely already married. Did you actually read the original question? She said she was getting married in a month. Please read before responding. You are not making a very good impression, for someone who has just joined this site!