Hi Everyone
I've read through some questions, I have to admit this is a great forum, a lot of very insightful answers, great community. I hope you can give me advice on my problem.

Im 26 my girlfriend is 25. We met 5 years ago, at the 1st year of the Uni. We've been together all the time, we started living together 2 years ago, in the meanwhile we graduated, got jobs etc. She is a great person you know? Very honest, she never lies to anyone, never has any hidden agenda, she is just pure good ;)
Having said that, let me describe the problem. The thing is , in our relationship, I have always been the "giver" and she has been the "taker". I'd always buy her flowers, cook for her, go to the grocery for her even though I don't need anything for myself. She is often tired after work, so I'd give her a foot massage which she ADORES, or even a full, long whole body massage with the oil and stuff. I'd cuddle her whenever she wants and I'd hug her. I simply do myself to please her, give her my time, attention etc.

When we were at the uni she was often stressed about the exams and stuff. I always tried to be there for her, comfort her. I don't think she remembers that now.

We only have sex every few weeks. She says it hurts her. I've tried to both do prolonged forplay to get her wet (and she is, its not a lubrication problem), and I've also tried to do it quick, as I've read some girls just loose steam when it lasts for too long. It hurts her anyhow. I came to conclusion its something related to when we were still students, we had to do it in the dorm house, or in the flat I lived in with other people in other rooms. She was always afraid that someone is going to walk in on us (even if we were alone in the houlse and the door locked) or that she will become pregnant due to a snapped condom. She never really chilled out, once she said she's scared to let it go wild. I've read that by these kind of fears women develop a so called Vaginismus , which I'm sure some of you know about. If not, check it out on Wikipedia. Anyhow I think she is having a mild version of that, I can penetrate her, but it hurts her. I can give her orgasms with just my fingers and tongue and I'm trying to do that whenever she seems to need it. But when I talk to her about seeing a doctor she begins crying?
She hasn't been abused, she was a virgin when we started.
She won't even see a gynecologist! Which is strange, she is a very independent, educated and self-conscious woman living in a big city, otherwise...

She will never give me a massage even when I really need it (after a workout or something) not just for pleasure. When I ask (very rarely, mind you I give her one quite often) she always says that she is tired, or that she will do it in a few days, on a weekend, at some point in the future.. and never remembers.

I've quit smoking cigarettes and pot for her, and quit drinking as well. So these being obvieusly good changes, shows how good an influence she has had on me. But if any of you ever smoked cigs, weed or drank regularly, know how hard it is to stop doing it. I did, so it shows how much I am serious about this.

I love oral sex but she will never go down on me. She did once or twice during 5 years. She says she is disgusted by it. Ok, let it be. I'd be satisfied if she gave me a tit job, or even a damn hand job, you know? It's just that she doesn't think about those things at all. It never crosses her mind to start doing something I like. I don't like asking for it, but sometimes I do, because I realized she just don't have this "hmm what could I do to please him today" thing. She just hasn't got it?

Thing is when she says she doesn't like blowjob, she should have thought about alternative ways to please me, but she just don't give a heck about it, it seems.

When I ask her to do something pleasant to me, she's always upset that I do. So then I don't, and honestly she doesn't give back 10% of what I do for her.
When I try to talk about it she says it all just to get laid. But we only have sex once every two months? Usually ending in me not having orgasm and her weeping and me hugging and comforting her. And I don't get any other favours either. I could have left and surely get a lot of sex with another girl who would be more appreciating but I LOVE HER. I don't do it for sex, if I did I would have LEFT by now. I do all those things because I fing pleasure in comforing her. She obvieusly doesn't.

My question is what can I do to make her start thinking about my needs.
Serioulsy, I am often tense and irritated. Because I am a hansome, intelligent 26 year old man with no sex life. I'm stressed. And the only person that should be concerned with how I feel don't think about it.

Please help.

Simple incompatibility. She is how she is, you are how you are. Don't expect her to change. Love her the way she is or find a new girl. Nobody ever makes big changes that are permanent that isn't a result of a life threatening condition happening to them.

Pretty sad perspective

I have always been the "giver" and she has been the "taker"

Where is the honesty on your part?? Tell her your not happy, and let her know why. If that doesn't spark at least conversation, and compromise, then she can rub her own toes.

me not having orgasm and her weeping and me hugging and comforting her
What is she crying for?

She's crying because of pain, and because of all the emotions of not being able to do it , yet another time

I think that she needs to go to a sex therapist and get all her negativity toward sexuality out on the table and examine it. She could have been damaged by religious training in her childhood, or that, and other things.

You should go with her, say you made an appointment for both of you... she is terrified about something realted to sex and doesn't want to think of herself as a failure, a sexual failure, so she is blocking out thinking about it and refuses to address the problem.

Perhaps, she wants to continue your relationship as it is... you as the caring parent, and she as the spoiled child. That is going to have to stop... you need a woman, a sexual woman.

Oddly enough, she will feel much better if she gets therapy. It can set her free.

I don't think it has anything to do with religious training. I've known some VERY devout women and they were perfectly normal in bed.

She needs to be examined by a doctor for the pain.

Hard to have a healthy perspective on sex, when there is pain involved, but a doctor can help.

Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a talk. She sounds a lot like my ex when it came to talking about sex and whatever.

If you two are unwilling to communicate, compromise, and come to some sort of agreed solution to this problem, the outlook does not look good.

I don't care what anyone says, sexual compatibility and satisfaction is critical to a healthy relationship.

B
But when I talk to her about seeing a doctor she begins crying?


The problem is that she doesn't want to go to the doctor, Tal. Does she have any other conditions that we should know about? Anxiety, depression, low libido brought on through medication or just natural low libido? Has she ever had a traumatic experience? It seems like this is more of a psychological issue.

I think that from her vaginismus, she developed either a fear or distaste for any sexual act including a penis. I know this may sound kind of crazy, but I've heard of crazier things happening before. Her dislike of penetration with a penis could've extended to a dislike of ANYTHING with a penis which, if this is the case, would take a psychologist to cure it. But I'm not too sure if you would want to go with this option. It might be good to try to convince her to see one anyway because this DOES seem like a psychological issue.

The problem is that she doesn't want to go to the doctor,

An unwillingness to work with a partner to solve ones problems, leads to more, and bigger problems.

The choices become simple, you either make adjustments, and deal with your partners short comings, or you leave and let her deal with your shortcomings. None of these choices is that great to me.

This relationship will be defined on how you handle it, or it will die from being unwilling to work on it.

Whats up with not seeing a doctor??? Thats real red flag that something is really wrong.

>TWO threads Merged<

Thanks for all the answers so far.


The problem is that she doesn't want to go to the doctor

Exactly. And not just a psychologist, a sexuologist but even a gynecologist. She has never been to one at the age of 25!
Her level of "pain barrier" is very low in general, as I've noticed.
Its like the things that a usual person would barely notice as unpleasent, cause her to sufffer and cover that area of body with hands for like 20-30 seconds. She is fragile like a porcelain , one would say.
But that's OK, we are born with that kind of condiotions. Thing is at the beginning of our relationship we have had sex more often (still not too often, like once every two weeks) it caused her pain. And I know its not my clumsiness in bed , because I've simply had many partners before her and everything was smooth and nice. And I took extra care with her as soon as i realized she is so fragile. But the pain seems to caused a connection in the brain, something like penis = pain, like NItEMArE129 said. Your whole post was basically a very insightful one.

Another thing you got to know folks is that its not like she is a spoiled child. She does a lot of house chores, works, learnes, so its not like she is lazy - its only the kind of laziness towards your partner.

I should also say that the dynamic in our early relationship was that I really, really wanted to date her. It took me a lot of time to "conquer" her. She wasn't easy. And then she told me to quit all hat I told you about, the cigarettes, pot and later on drinking (hey - we were students ;) ). So these being obvieusly bad things I wanted to stop anyway, I agreed I will stop the unhealthy habits. But as you know one does not quit all that at a snap of a fingers, she was often dissapointed that I still smoke for exapmle. And for a long time I was the "guilty bad boyfriend" looking for redemption. So, yeah finally I got rid of all my bad habits , but I can see she still didn't find her role in the new situation, where she is not in the position where she can possibly blame me for any of her dissapointment. There is simply nothing she could honestly require me in relation to my health. And I realized the old situation was so comfortable for her, and now I can actually demand something from her and this is new to her.

Another thing is that, yes, she has been raised in a family where no one said I love you and stuff like that. She never does. I've got no issues with showing feelings.
She also was a single child till like 16 when her parents had another doughter. So she was a single child for a most part of her life in the family house. Any time she had an argument with her parents she just went to her room and locked herself and isolated herself. And this is still how she reacts to any kind of emotional situation. Isolation, muteness.
So yeah, I tried to talk to her and she just stopped talking to me, she doesn't want to be touched, talked to, won't tell wats on her mind, etc. I think its childish, but that's how she has been conditioned. When I'm asking why is she like this, she is saying "thats just my normal state".

She never wants to talk about emotions, sex and doctors.
She either cries, goes into isolation or tells me its just so that I can get laid, and feels like a slut when I want to have sex etc, like she's paying me with sex for something.

So now you know everything.

What is the genious method of making her see a doctor, ANY doctor for starters.
How should I talk with her if that's how she reacts.
When pressed against the wall she said in the past that maybe we should just part, because she is tired with all that problems and we are just not meant for each other.
But as I mentioned I love her and wouldn't really like to part. She is really a part of my soul.

Thanks for all the answers.

Relax, dude. You have pushed enough for now, and when confronted with a brick wall, back up, and see the bigger picture, instead of running into it head first.

Go fishing, is what us long time married guys do, or retreat into your cave, and do guy stuff, and put the whole situation into perspective, with out nagging, badgering, or begging her to communicate, or capitulate your needs.

Take your 3 days catch fish, or whatever, and let the emotional dust settle. When you are rested, and fresh, work on your own peace of mind, and let her problems go, as you establish your own routine, and things you do, to enjoy yourself.

You have had this problem a long time, and have not resolved it, but married any way so you established a pattern of not solving your problems together, so there will be no quick fix, or miracle solutions.

Instead let her think about her own issues for a while, without your influence, and you may be the one to seek counsel without her.

Just me, it is unreasonable to have a simple problem, (seeing a doctor ) block communication, and positive actions that prevent solving your issues, in this marriage.

For now you need much information, and some clear options, and give her space.

I think if you give her time, and bring this subject up again, later, you will be more emotionally equipped to get past the crying as sorry, whatever her problem is, your soul mate needs at least to be able to work with you thru communications.

Maybe you need to start by asking her why she married you, and what she expected this marriage to be about. Something you both should have talked about before.

Yeah thanks Tal. We're not married, I never said we were, but that's just a technicality, changes nothing. After 5 years, married or not its all the same.
I will do like you advised. Ill just back out. I mean we barely speak now, she's depressed and quiet. I've decided to give her space like you said, so she can think about her problems, which are in fact her problems and me pushing her to solv them maybe just distort her picture of what's going on.

I'ts just awkward when we are separate all day, doing our own stuff and then sleep together in one bed.
And then how long could this last? I mean at some point when she still doesn't have the will to talk and end the silence, I'll have to just split. How long should I wait.

She does need to go see a doctor about the pain. And also one about her sexual fears.
You do need to talk to her and be honest about it.
And if things don't change after her pain and fear has been addressed. It's time to move on. As one said before, she may just be spoiled. After 5 years of you taking care of her, she might not want it to change, or be willing to change it.
You love her you say, what will you do if she doesn't change? Will you be able to handle it the way it's been for more years to come, maybe for rest of your life? Twice a month is kind of harsh.

Penis=Pain?? Is she a lesbian? Sorry, wait, let me look up that word first - viginiums?

Oh no, that's horrible. If she can't handle pain from a penis how will she ever handle pain from giving birth? Have you guys spoke about the future and children? Is she turned off to the thought of having babies too?
I suggest seeing a psychiatrist first before a gyno. To see if this is really the case.
Shouldn't she want to speak to someone about this? Especially if her love is suggesting it?

Hi myles atta,
I am sorry to hear of your troubles- I think you will do right if you step back and give her time and space to think. She knows your there for her and she knows she has issues to sort out. Maybe with a bit of space, she will realise and actually start the conversation with you. In the meantime, keep busy and keep doing your stuff- perhaps you can get her some flowers after work and give them to her- that's a way to tell he yes I do care and when your ready lets sort things out step by step?
Just a thought. If I had such issues- I would probably be quiet scared deep inside- and my partners actions- i.e. I care for you but I will talk when you are ready- would mean a lot to me as such times and I would know that whatever problems we are having will be resolved when I overcome my fears and become brave to speak to my partner.

She needs to see a therapist, as it is my opinion that she is depressed. However, I am not a doctor. I went through a about of depression myself and the only way that she can get through this is by seeking professional help. However, SHE has to be the one to want to do it. Just be supportive of her, but don't be a doormat.