I have a grown married daughter who left the country 2 years ago. She seems to have become very distant since she and her husband started their family. Our telephone conversations are fine, but our visits are stressful. I think she feels that she has to prove to her husband that she is strong and doesn't need her family (siblings included). What do we do to correct this issue? Simply ignore it and hope that she comes around. She left Canada and moved to another country. I am left with the impression that when they come back to Canada for a holiday they don't care if they see her family or not. They spend more time with his family than with ours. Help.

Talk to your daughter privately and directly about it. If that is not possible, then no wonder she moved away and why the visits are so brief. It may be that there has been a problem for a long time and you are just now "waking up" to it. Communication is the key in all relationships - frank, honest and respectful talking. I am completely estranged from my biological family because we simply cannot talk decently to each other. I now choose not to talk at all over what takes place. Before I left, some of what you are describing almost seems to fit what took place. It almost seems like there is something missing that makes me wonder what is the rest of the story here please?

Talk to your daughter privately and directly about it. If that is not possible, then no wonder she moved away and why the visits are so brief. It may be that there has been a problem for a long time and you are just now "waking up" to it. Communication is the key in all relationships - frank, honest and respectful talking. I am completely estranged from my biological family because we simply cannot talk decently to each other. I now choose not to talk at all over what takes place. Before I left, some of what you are describing almost seems to fit what took place. It almost seems like there is something missing that makes me wonder what is the rest of the story here please?

We have tried to talk. She clams up. Could it be that feels if she doesn't please her husband she will lose him? She seems determined to listen to him and only him. He encourages her not to become involved in family problems. He says that it is our problem. If that is the case maybe we should not inform her of anything going on in the family to avoid conflict with her husband.

Sounds like you don't think much of her husband. Could that be the problem?

Is she your only daughter?

She is not my only daughter. I have another daughter . We have a very close relationship and I get along very well with her husband. My oldest daughters husband is a professional and I think he is a little too into himself. If I were the only person in the family that has this problem I would definitely see it as my problem. My sister and other family members have the same problem with my daughter and her husband. They have remarked that they can not believe the change in her.

Why don't u suggest to her to spend quality time together - ONLY mother and daughter.
Go shopping, then go for a nice lunch, but just the 2 of you alone, no husbands.
That way you can catch up on old times, and have a good talk together.

We have tried to talk. She clams up. Could it be that feels if she doesn't please her husband she will lose him? She seems determined to listen to him and only him. He encourages her not to become involved in family problems. He says that it is our problem. If that is the case maybe we should not inform her of anything going on in the family to avoid conflict with her husband.
Well its clearly something... they seem to know what it is and have left you out of the knowing. You can only ask what it is and if they don't want to talk about it, then that is that. It definitely seems as if she has been hurt by being too involved with family in the past and now she is shielding herself with her husband and he is cooperating with that decision too. This may be the only way she feels she can make the separation from her family, in which case you all will need to honor that. I am sorry for your confusion.

Sometimes also when a family member gets married it could be to her that her immediate family is now her and her husband, and she could feel that she doesn't need to know the rest of families problems.

Relationships changing as kids grow older is normal, not always what we as parents like it to be, but normal. Be patient and just love them like always.

As far as I can see there is not a real problem. I agree, you do not seem to think highly of the husband and that is probably the problem. As far as family problems, they are probably better, happier with being with their new family then extended family. I know personally my wife and I are happier when we are not really involved too much with eighter side of the family. We both are happier. Maybe one or two family members do not think the best of me but that is because they did not want to lose control, they did not want her to move away. They did not want her to have her own life. She started standing up for herself and they hated that. She has been a lot happier and a lot stronger person. The rest of the family is great, but when you have problems with one or two family members its hard to get together with the rest of them as much. Living in a different country is another story. We only live an hour away so it is not too bad. Your daughter and daughters husband have their own family to worry about they do not need added problems from everybody else.

Those are just my thougths. Just from my experience.

Joe

If she has been bothered in the past by being involved with the family I guess the only thing we can clearly do is to keep her out of the loop as far as family issues are concerned. She has a very elderly grandmother that she hasn't seen in over a year. At this point I'm not sure if we should even bother to inform her when there is a death in the family. As I said before she is living in another country and returns to the country of her origin once a year for a period of 4 weeks. 2 of which she spends here but always out during the day doing something with her husband and child. We feel she is here for a free hotel and meal plan. They don't contribute to the food at all. We are getting on in years and expenses aren't cheap for us. I'm beginning to wonder where I went wrong. She has a brother and sister and they would never think of doing what she has done.

Fed-up, Please try not to be bitter and try to enjoy them when you see them .You can't expect all your kids to act the same do you. It does bother me when you chide them for not contributing to the food and how your getting on in age, You haven't been laying a guilt trip on your daughter have you? Be honest now do you expect to control her by any chance? Would she be a good daughter if she would do as she's told? NO offense, but I see a problem am I correct?

I think Krs hit the nail on the head. When our children grow up and get marrired, they have started a family of their own. This becomes their immediate family and threfore their immediate concern. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents are now extended family. That's normal. It doesn't mean that she loves you or cares about you any less, it just means that she is minding her own business/family and expects you to do the same. She is drawing lines which are boundaries, how involved she's willing to be, how much effort and time she's willing to take away from her own family. Visits shouldn't be stressful or tense and chances are that she and her husband may be sensing your tension and that negative energy just keeps circulating itself amongst each other. Call her from time to time just to say hello and find out how she's doing. Don't involve her in your problems with your family unless they are life or death or they directly effect her. As long as she's not evil or causing your harm, be willing to accept whatever time she's willing to give you, she is still your daughter and I'm sure she loves you very much. As far as spending more time with his family than hers, you may just have to accept that she actually gets along better with his family, and that's okay. Again, it doesn't mean she loves you less. I'm sure you also have family you get along with better than others and find that you actually get along better with them if the visits are shorter and more light-hearted. Don't pound her with questions about what's wrong, why are you letting him control you (because you don't know for sure that he is) why are you behaving this way... it won't help and it certainly won't change anything other than making things worse. How well do you know your son in law? Take the time to really get to know him, if he's willing and you know what they say about attracting more bees with honey. Remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Talaniman,

Tried commenting, can't do it anymore. You have said it exactly the way I see it myself. I think you right on with your thoughts and advice. Now it is up to this fed up person to deal with it and listen to the advice or make things worse for everybody involved. It is her choice.

Joe

If she has been bothered in the past by being involved with the family I guess the only thing we can clearly do is to keep her out of the loop as far as family issues are concerned. She has a very elderly grandmother that she hasn't seen in over a year. At this point I'm not sure if we should even bother to inform her when there is a death in the family. As I said before she is living in another country and returns to the country of her origin once a year for a period of 4 weeks. 2 of which she spends here but always out during the day doing something with her husband and child. We feel she is here for a free hotel and meal plan. They don't contribute to the food at all. We are getting on in years and expenses aren't cheap for us. I'm beginning to wonder where I went wrong. She has a brother and sister and they would never think of doing what she has done.

To be honest fed-up I think you are being selfish, you love you daughter very much but in a selfish way!

When I was 19 I packed my bags and left my family and home to go and live with the man I love in england. I spent 6 years away from home, and like your daughter I visited my family twice or 3 times a year and stayed on holiday at home for 2 weeks.
I was on holiday when I visited my home, remember just like your daughter is when she comes to visit you! She is on a break from her hectic life back home and wants to enjoy it with her husband and child! What is so wrong with that!
When I was holidaying back home I wasn't really interested to her about all my family issues! Unless it was something mega serious! I was on a holiday break and you have to remember that your daughter is on holiday too with her family. It's a break for her.

If you don't tell your daughter about her grandmother, or about any death in the family then be prepared to not hear from her, count on losing her! Trust me. That's would prove my point about selfish love

Have you asked your daughter and husband to contribute with the food if you are that bothered about it?

To be honest I can't really see anything that bad that your daughter has done.
I think it is you who can't accept the fact that she is grown up into a women and has a family of her own in which she loves dearly!

I don't feel that it would be proper to ask my daughter and her husband to contribute to the food. She was brought up in a home where by you didn't walk in empty handed. A tradition my parents started with their children and we have passed onto our children. I have probably not presented the problem properly. My daughter has made major changes in her attitude towards life. She is not the same person any of us knew. We find it frustating to say the least. I'm not suggesting that she has been brainwashed, but it certainly presents itself that way. How could anyone change so radically?

I don't feel that it would be proper to ask my daughter and her husband to contribute to the food. She was brought up in a home where by you didn't walk in empty handed. A tradition my parents started with their children and we have passed onto our children. I have probably not presented the problem properly. My daughter has made major changes in her attitude towards life. She is not the same person any of us knew. We find it frustating to say the least. I'm not suggesting that she has been brainwashed, but it certainly presents itself that way. How could anyone change so radically?
What kind of changes do you mean? Can you be more specific?

I don't feel that it would be proper to ask my daughter and her husband to contribute to the food. She was brought up in a home where by you didn't walk in empty handed. A tradition my parents started with their children and we have passed onto our children. I have probably not presented the problem properly. My daughter has made major changes in her attitude towards life. She is not the same person any of us knew. We find it frustating to say the least. I'm not suggesting that she has been brainwashed, but it certainly presents itself that way. How could anyone change so radically?


So you are saying you expect her to contribute to the food?
Present your main issue her, cause not all of us can really understand.
Also as Tal said, what changes?
Why are you frustrated?
People change, though remember that!

We used to have heart to heart talks about everything and anything. I realize that people move on in their lives. I know that she has developed new friends with interests of her own. I would be worried if she hadn't. Now when we talk on the phone she never asks about family and how they are doing. She talks about what she does and seems to have become very self centered. I once mentioned recently that I would like to sell the house and move on into a new community and she said that if we did that she would be very upset with us. Changes are good for her but not for us? Where does this come from. It would be nice to hear a simple thank you for a change. If you give them a gift they simply say that it is nice. Do I expect too much? Is she struggling for her independence and doesn't know how to go about it without going too far in the opposite direction? When she had her first child I went to stay with her to help. I will never do that again. The stress was incredible. I felt that I shouldn't have been there. 2 weeks was far too much for all of us. She is expecting another child soon and I will not go this time. They will be better off arranging for someone else to help. No I am not bitter. Far from it. There are far too many people who have witnessed the attitute and change in her that they no longer feel comfortable around her. She has become a total stranger to all who have known her and loved her.

When you say used to have heart to heart talks, how long ago was that? What new has happened to her since then?

It looks to me that you are a very family orientated women, I'm not say its bad, is your family all like that?
Coz it could be maybe since your daughter had her first child she assumes her family are now her husband, kids and her immediate family only.

Why do you think she would be upset if you sold your house and moved to a new community?

I don't think you are expecting too much, but we have only heard your side of the story.

She shouldn't be struggling for her independence she should be independent by now.

Why was it stressful when she had her first child? Im not a mum but I can just imagine that it would be in itself a stressful time.

I am still unsure as to what you mean but I'm no stranger to your situation. When my own daughter started with the husband, babies, job she was a stranger to herself as she tried to balance all the new things in her life. We always worry about our children no matter the age and want to help, and believe me I still worry even when there is nothing to worry about. Just consider that she is finding her way the same as we had to do back in the day. She has to make decisions based on what's in front of her and for her own family and I'm sure you remember what that is like and its not always going to be smooth or pretty. It takes a lot of patience to see your child growing up and being independent so I can only tell you that keeping quiet is going to be hard but you must let her find her way in her own time. Concentrate more on being really nice and getting your grand kids as much as possible as this will help bridge the gap between you and give her a much needed break. Whether you like her husband or not (I have a good son-in-law) you need to accept and get along with him and get to know him and he know you. Knowing his parents would help to. Don't run them off with a negative attitude but embrace her with a loving patience and don't judge her she's still young and coping so help if you can and back-off when you see the tension rising. After all you raised them so now you have to accept them and be there for them. Have a little faith and let her have the space she needs to continue growing and spend sometime with the grand kids, you'll love watching them grow. As I speak (write?) I'm waiting for mine to wake up and fill this house with the chaos as only they can .I love every minute even though I will be exhausted by the end of the day. So concentrate on the positive and deal with the negative and never stop loving your daughter. I hope I've helped good luck!

When my daughter met her husband it became quite obvious to us that he wasn't as close to his family as she was to hers. He prefers to live as far away from his family and only have a once a year visit. I think that he feels that my daughter should feel the same as he does about family. He and I went out shopping together just the other day, as they are visiting for a short time. He blurted out that she doesn't miss the country and has settled in nicely in their new country. I didn't say a word. I find the less said the better. I know his expectations of her are very high. I just hope she can deliver. I don't dislike my son-in-law. I question his motives silently. Her brother and sister won't even get in touch with them as it is always one sided. She will have to find her own way. The door will always be open should she choose to use it. Enough said. Thank you all.

It is hard when your children grow up and leave the nest. It is not unusual for one of them to meet and marry another that has different views on families. It is not unusual for one to be jealous of the others family. I hear these issues all of the time. You are responsible for how you act and all you can do is love her, enjoy her when she visists. Don't put pressure on her or make her feel smothered. She may be feeling it from her husband and she will only notice that you are doing it. I think it is wonderful she comes for 4
Weeks a year. I was always there for my parents, but my siblings went different ways. When my sis would visit, her husband was pulling one way and my mom another. She would become quite unpleasant at times. It was just trying to please each she was not pleasing anyone. Your daughter may sound selfish right now, but she is changing. I always tell my children to relax if they do not have time to visit me, do not stress, I totally understand, when you have children there is so much to do and so little time. I have been there. For a few short years I did not see them a lot. I made it a point to call them often for a short visit and make it to my granchildrens functions (Not all, but enough). Now, they come more and more often, my grandchildren love to stay with me because I put no pressure on them at all. I put no pressure on my children. I have one son in law that stays because it is so peaceful. Just give her time, stay calm and loving. Go and stay with her when your new grandchild comes if she wants you to. You will never have that chance again. Do not be stubborn, you say she was not raised that way, well, do not act like she is acting. Act the way you raised her to act. It will only be stressful if you allow it to be stressful. If you are calm, relaxed and loving and are only there to help her, not there for her to make you happy. You will be amazed at how well it will work out.

I would suggest your family not discuss their shortcomings. You are the mom, you need to put a stop to it by saying some positive statements about her and her husband. They have to care, they do come for 4 weeks. What if they do want to do things while they are there, that is healthy. Often times when we dwell on the negative so much, the positive gets lost and there is always positive actions if you look for them. Try, it is a perfect time while they are there.

Your son in law telling you your daughter loves where she is living is not bad, would it be too difficult for you to say. I am so glad, I do want her to be happy. Thank you. Or do you really not want her to be happy because she is not living next to you? Think of the reasons you are feeling this way, and try not to put it all on her. Someone can only make you feel bad if you allow them to.
Good luck I wish for the best.

Fed up has run into a new issue. Youngest daughter is ticked with oldest daughter and will not invite oldest daughter to a function that she wants her father and I to attend. I have decided to take the only way I can possibly take. Not to attend, and have advised her to sit down and discuss the issues that she has with her sister. I am sick and tired of the whole situation. I am ready to sell the house and pack up and move so far away that no one will be interested in coming to see us. I feel that I have taken the only approach to this particular situation. I have refused to become involved. They are adults and its is their choices. Not my problem.

However if you refuse to attend your other daughter's function, you are giving her ammunition to treat you like the other daughter does. In essence you are fueling the fire that the first daughter started.

You should try to support the daughter who is closest to you by attending the function after discussing with her both of your thoughts and feelings.

The other daughter will come back to you in time. It may take a hardship or crisis, but at that point in time she will be very regretful of the way she treated her family.

They are both your daughters, you need to try and support their decisions no matter how hard it is for you or how much you disagree.

Why is your daughter so angry with your other daughter? What is the function? It sounds as though there is a lot of anger going on around there. Does your daughter that lives in another country know all of this is going on around her? Does she feel the anger vibes, is that why they are not around much?
Try sitting back and taking a few deep breaths and let go. You even sound so intense you are about to explode. Write some of the things she actually does, maybe that will help you. One time you said they spend more time with his family than hers, but then you said he is not close to his family. Maybe his family puts no expectations on them, so they hang there. Is there any jealousy going on?

The function that is being held is a birthday dinner for my husband and myself. If my youngest daughter wants to exclude my oldest daughter that is her choice, however I feel that the whole evening will be ruined with my feelings of guilt for leaving my grown daughter and my grandson whom I only see once a year alone to fend for themselves. I think that my youngest daughter and son need to have a night with their sister. Try to resolve their differences between them. I have told them on more than one occasion that once we are gone they really only have one another. My husband agrees with me that we should not exclude our oldest daughter and leave her here on her own. I know how bitter the siblings are about their sister living so far away and not having the opportunity to get to know their nephew and soon to be new baby. They are used to tight family ties where we are often together. We will not attend the dinner with no regrets at someone else's expense. As for our son-in-law he tolerates his mother in order to be with his father. He is extremely compentative and has to excel at and be better than anyone in his family. I can't begin to imagine the pressure that he must be placing on himself. I hope that as he grows he realizes that it was totally unnecessary. He is a brilliant man in his own field. Florida is lucky to have him. I will get to spend 3 wonderful days with my daughter and her son as her husband will be travelling on his own for a while. I am so looking forward to this. I think that my youngest daughter is very angry and is not thinking too clearly as to exclude her sister from the dinner. I would not want to be the one who is on the receiving end of that. I live by the motto to load your brain before you shoot off your mouth. Sometimes it works other times it doesn't.

So what you are saying is that your younger daughter and other children are angry at your other daughter because she moved far away? That is what all of this is about? It sounds as though your son in law does quite well in his career, is that also correct?

Yes Cassie the family has had a hard time with her leaving the country and not keeping in touch. If we don't initiate the contact she does not keep in touch with her siblings. Even her very aged grandmother doesn't hear from her. My son-in-law is doing very well for himself. He is brilliant in his field and I must say that we are very proud of his achievements. He deserves everything that comes his way in his professional field. He has worked very hard to accomplish his degrees. With a lot of help from his family. Just don't forget the ones you have left behind. Being competitive can be a good thing if it isn't taken too far. Before you know it time has passed by and you have missed out on all too much before you realize it. Regrets can be many.

As a mom to a mom, we both know how hard it is when our children get married. It opens up issues we did not have when they were alone. We have to share them with their spouse and their families and then they have their own children that takes more of their time. I wish I had a nickel for everyone of my friends and aquaintances that have felt their child left the nest and does not call often enough etc. It sounds as though there is a lot of drama going on there. Once something like this gets started, it feeds on the negativity around it. The positive point here is that she does come to visit for a month each year. That is quite a bit of time. Do your other children ever visit her? Do you think there is any jealousy going on from your other children? She moved to Florida, her husband is doing well. I do not know, as the best way to know what is happening is to observe the interactions of everyone. But if everyone is so upset at her for moving, she has got to feel it, even if they do not say anything. If they are telling her they are upset about her moving, that is very selfish on their part. When you get married, that is the person you are to put first. If his job takes him elsewhere, it is very reasonable for her to go with him, is there another option. Divorce him so she can live by her parents and siblings? Would they leave their spouses to live by her? If this is the beginning of the issue, it was started by their being totally selfish and unreasonable. As for her not keeping in touch, that could be because of the animosity she feels from everyone. It can also just be her life right now. It is not always the way it should be, but often times the first few years of a marriage, children often are busy and forget and are inconsiderate. That is on her. It sounds as though you have a nice family there,
She is the one that has no one in Florida.
This are something you might try. Remember now, deep breaths, calm now:) You say your phone conversations are fine, that is good, talk to her and tell her her grandmother would like to hear from her more often. As far as your other siblings, I would try some diplomacy with them. I would definitely tell the one daughter that is having the birthday party for you and your husband, it is rude not to invite the company that is staying with you. Whether it is your daughter or an outsider, you do not do that, you wait to have the party or you invite the guests that are staying with you. End of subject. There is no excuse for being blatantly rude. If she feels her sister is rude by not getting in touch with her more often and moving away, well that is on her sister. Just because we feel someone else is rude does not make us exempt from being rude. I would not be angry when I tell her, or jump on her for her feelings. I would just say it is too rude for me to leave them home alone, which is true.

It is going to take some doing to get this situation turned around, but I feel you can do it. You have taken the first step, you are listening to some opinions, because you really care about your family. Do not take sides, be positive, say positive things to them all. We all have to make mistakes and learn from them. My mother used to get so offended because she did not hear more from my siblings. Well, as time passed they started calling more and more. I would not hear from them often, I did not give it a thought, I was too busy to realize and when I would miss them, I would call. I would get a call from one of them late at night. I accepted it as the stages of life. My mother, I was always there for. But my personality is different from my siblings. Not meaning it was better, just in that area I was more thoughtful, and I was the youngest and they all knew I cared for her so they did not worry.
As I said before, do not by into the negativity. When one of them complains, pass it off. It only upsets you and they really need to loosen up and let go of all that anger. It is not good for anyone, you sound as though you are going to need a vacation after theirs.

I had a friend tell me she was going to visit her mom and sis and other son and daughter in law for Christmas. She and this daughter in law have a bit of a time. She said, my husband told me to chill this year as last year it got so bad my mother ended up in the hospital. I started laughing and she said no, one comment she made got so passed around and out of hand by the end of the week it was like a major war. She asked her son if he and his wife could visit without her mother coming just that night. Wow... it got so bad her mother had an anxiety attack and went to the hospital. My friend is a very thoughtful and caring person. Negativity grows like fungus. I wish you luck

I myself have a grown daughter, she isn't away from home, but I am away from my mother and her and I have a great relaionship, it sound's like to me that her husband is a control freek, maybe that's the problem,she could be afraid to say anything to you about it.
I agree with the other one who said, you two go out away from everyone and you and your daughter have a private lunch or even go to the park for more privacy.
I hope this help's.