Hi everybody,

Hoping you´re all having a wonderful Christmas.

I wonder if you have some advice regarding a difficult neighbor.
We share a house that has been converted into two flats. We own both our separate flats, the garden and driveway 50/50.

She is quite friendly and nice to get on with, but she has been unemployed for years. She has no disability and is a young, healthy woman with a young son, separated from her hubby.

I have my niece to care for, 10 years old, and I work hard. I have offered to help her find work, but she told me she´d rather marry some rich guy. It falls on me to pay for most of the maintenance since I have income and her parents pay her mortgage.

Lately she´s been really stressed and mean to me. Finally we had an argument the day before Christmas. I had been working and shopping until late, and needed to ask her if she could help me fix the broken light on the driveway. She got really angry, but I refused to argue, went inside to finish working. She then crossed the line by sending me an ugly text message with such hatred I got scared for the safety of my niece, my cats and myself.

The problem with her is that she lives above me and is really noisy. She walks on high heals on a parquet, bangs pots and pans together, vacuum-cleans at all hours and lets her son hop on the floor over the kitchen so things fall out of my shelves. She lets her friends park in my parking space and when I put up a no parking sign, she got furious. Her parents use the driveway for their horse caravans, trailors etc. I told them to remove the whole lot, so they don´t talk to me.

She bangs on my door at all times when she needs to borrow sugar, milk, you name it. I´ve told her my flat is sometimes my office, but she has no regards for that.

Now I feel intimated in my own flat. She´s been away for Christmas but is back with crashing noise, I´m not talking to her and I wonder what to say to her the next time I meet her. I really don´t want another confrontation.

Violet

BLESS YOUR HEART! This is such a hard situation. All you can do is a "friendly ignore", a nice smile but don't go beyond that. You will never be able to change her so it is pointless to talk to her about it. It's also impossible to "teach her a lesson" by retaliating with tit for tat or lecturing her on what you think. Withdraw, mind you own business, no more borrowing from you. She seems to be mean spirited and is getting satisfaction from any feedback you give her. Certainly you should not put up with intimidation: keep a record of the texts and a diary of the incidents, have witnesses because unfortunately, this may end up in small claims court down the line. It is within your rights to call the police if you feel threatened. Is moving an option?

The first thing I would do is see if you can have the utilities separated between the two flats. This way you would each be responsible for your own utilities and not have to cover the others. If you can't do this, then you may have to take her to court to recover her share.

I would have no dealings with her that you don't have to have. Ignore her as much as possible.

If you have received specific threas then report them to the police.

Thanks a lot, both of you. You´ve been most helpful.

I will most certainly ignore her, but what if she bangs on my door for a confrontation as usual? I don´t want any more talks. She just becomes abusive.

Love, Violet

Get a chain lock on your door. If she bangs on the door, open it with the chain on and tell her you have been advised by legal counsel not to have any direct dealings with her, then close the door. If she persists in banging on the door, tell her you will call the police.

OK, great.

What about the persistent noise? Her son´s hopping on the floor and her stamping on the parquet on high heels, vacuum-cleaning and banging pots and pans together? My walls are shaking, I kid you not!

I´ve told her many times and asked her gently to keep the noise down. She got angry and the noise just got worse. Then her parents start parking their horse trailers and boxes on my driveway, leaving next to no parking space for me and my friends and relatives.

I will move - but not in this recession. My flat has decreased in values, but it will go up when the recession is over. I´m in Scandinavia and the real estate market is frozen.

Talk to your local police about noise and harassment laws. They may be able to recommend something.

What about the persistant noise? Her son´s hopping on the floor and her stamping on the parquet on high heels, vacuum-cleaning and banging pots and pans together? My walls are shaking, I kid you not!
Don't bother warning or scolding her any more about the noise. You know from experience that it doesn't help. In fact, she might knock herself out to be even noisier. (She's creating a mean little kid in her child too by encouraging him to be noisy.)

Don't retaliate with your own noise or by pounding on your ceiling with a broom. That will only add to her enjoyment of the situation. You do realize, don't you, that she's having a lot of fun in her own way driving you nuts.

Just smile pleasantly when you see her, but don't engage in unnecessary conversation. Of course, it doesn't sound like she needs a reason to be nasty, so what you do or don't do won't affect her behavior positively or even begin to change her.

Like Scott said, separate utilities and anything else the two of you may share billing on. Is there some way to legally divide the driveway so "mine" and "hers" are each clearly marked and police could then be called if she parks something on your space without permission?

You have my sympathy. I rented a two-flat years ago; the homeowner lived on the first floor and I lived on the second floor. She was an old woman with no transportation, so constantly watched my comings and goings and would frequently ask for a ride (both ways, so would have to wait for her to finish her business and take her home again) or would hand me her grocery list and ask me to shop for her. She also often had her radio or TV at top volume so I could "enjoy" the program too. And that's nothing compared to the horrors you are experiencing!

Thanks, Wondergirl.

Great advice. I won´t retaliate, I never do that, because I know it leads to more difficulties.

I do know about nosy neighbors and noise. It´s another kind of real boring neighbors and I´ve had them. But asking for a ride takes it to a new dimension!

I didn´t realize until you said so, that she might enjoy making her neighbor feel miserable.

What a if that is the case! I pay for everything because she won´t work. You don´t bite the hand that feeds you! I know I shouldn´t, but I have little choise.

The boundaries are quite clear, but she cannot pay for repairs that needs to be done, because she doesn´t work. I decided to pay for it so my apartment wouldn´t become flooded. I tend to the garden, pay for every bit of maintenance, otherwise everything falls apart. I keep the bills of course, and I will try to make her pay, but she doesn´t have any money. She´s been unemployed for so many years. Her parents pay for the flat and it´s heavily mortgaged.

She kept abusing my parking space, so I put a sign up. Every car parked there without my permission is towed away. She still tries to abuse it, but since the Police just removes the cars and bill her, she got really mad about that and blamed me.

I guess I need to continue being polite but firm?
God, you really helped me with your advice. I feel much calmer.

Like above, don't cave-stand firm and back up the fact that you can and will call the police. No extra explanations are necessary so don't feel you have to make any! Having the police involved automatically leaves a paper trail. Treat her like you would a pesky phone solicitor-if you give them an inch, they will take a mile!

Hey, you can borrow my mantra... "this too shall pass" Prayer doesn't hurt, either!

Thanks, Mrscoltweaver. I will. :)

Move. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but she's got serious issues that you aren't going to change, and she has no financial resources so won't be leaving. Find a place that is not shared or a multi-unit situation with a homeowners association which has policies, fines and a system for these sorts of things. I know it's an expense, but this sounds miserable and a one-time move could result in a life-time of peace.

Hi,

I´m in Scandinavia and the recession has crippled the real estate market. I need to wait for a while, but I´ve seriously thought about moving.

It´s a pity because I live in a beautiful suburb outside the capital city with the sea ten minutes away and a huge park with tall trees and lakes right next to the house. My niece loves the park and she has her friends there, so uprooting her will be difficult.

The problem with my neighbor is that she will not work for some reason I don´t know and has too much time on her hands. She is either too controlling about the place or just sloppy. One evening I was cooking and suddenly her son was hopping on the floor, so everything was falling out of my shelves and on the stove!

I ran upstairs and there she was with her mother. They had put on rock music and were watching the kid jump up and down. When I told them about the situation, they looked at me vaguely and said: "Well, we were wondering how much his jumping would affect you." I told them he could set the place on fire, but was nice about it and asked them to be more careful. He continues hopping on the floor and I´ve stopped complaining.

Sometimes when I come home from work the mother has put her car in my parking space and is talking to her daughter. They could go on for hours if I don´t ask them to move the car.

The parents pay of the house for their daughter and I believe they own the whole house.

Love, Violet

The parents pay of the house for their daughter and I believe they own the whole house.
In that two-flat I had mentioned earlier, the landlords came back from shopping one afternoon and were accompanied by some friends and their children. One of the children had to go to the bathroom really bad. Since we were on the first floor and our bathroom easy to get to for this emergency, their request was if the child could use "their other bathroom" (in our apartment).

I think this mentality is what you are up against: it's their house and they are renting to you (so you pay for part of their house and legally "own" that part), but they think it's all really, really their house, so anything goes.

I have another thought - maybe they are the kind of people who think that when you are saying something in a nice way, you aren't serious about it. You may well need to get and sound royally pissed off!

I would suggest that you go to her apartment when you know she is home and tell her you have something serious to discuss with her. Then pick the two or three things that irritate you the most. I would maybe put it like this:

"Mary, I've enjoyed having you as a neighbor and it's good to know I have a friend so close by. But lately, you've frankly been very disrespectful of me and my investment in my home. I need to tell you flat out about some of the issues that need to stop immediately.

First of all, I've told you that your child's jumping in your apartment causes damage to my apartment. It needs to stop. I don't expect total quiet or for him to stop being a kid, but jumping in particular or other things that cause the building to rattle, plaster and things on my shelves to fall, are damaging and I will hold you responsible for anything that is damaged and broken if it continues.

Also, my parking spot is part of my mortgage, and does not belong to you nor do I chose to lend it to anyone. I need it to be available when I need it, without worrying about having to ask someone else to move their car. I pay for it for the convenience, and your use of it deprives me of what I've invested in. I will have your car or your guests cars towed at their own expense if they ever park in it again. I am posting a sign to that affect and am serious about it.

Finally, I will no longer be paying all of the maintenance on both units alone. I am looking into what your legal responsibilities are for paying your share to maintain shared property and will let you know what I find out.

I don't want us to be at war, but I cannot move due to the market, and I am miserable with these situations so I am just asking you to work with me on these so we can both enjoy the benefit of our investments.

Happy new year! :)

Wondergirl, those neighbors of yours must have been hell on earth! Using your toilet facility for their friend´s children, indeed! You were in a really bad spot there.

It´s true what you say. They think they own my flat and the half of my garden plus the parking lot, since my neighbor´s father announced one evening he would be moving my gazebo so he could build a patio for his daughter.

Dontknow, I have said all this to her, except the third paragraph. We are having this problem because I did put up a sign and her friend´s cars are towed away at their expense. She feels I´m wrong in doing so, even though I have my rights and am sticking to it. She´s a spoilt little madam who thinks she can go through life living off others.

On the other hand, she may also have really bad issues with boundaries.

Her ex and father of her child spends most of his time in other countries, but when he´s here, he lives with a woman from Thailand, who lives with her mother. They come together to visit the boy and then my neighbor turns into one of those "truly liberated Scandinavian women" (sorry, don´t mean to insult a fellow Scandinavian) by cooking for them, letting them have her flat to sleep over with the kid, renting movies for them and letting them borrow her car. They are so much in love they´re always kissing and hugging in front of her and while they´re upstairs making love, she spends the night crying in the laundry room, right next to my kitchen. Crazy or what?

They park the car in the middle of the driveway and since they don´t speak any other language than Thai (he´s Thai too), I cannot communicate with them. I´ve been to Thailand and it´s a wonderful country, the people too, but I didn´t pick up the language, though. I´m not saying they´re not nice, it´s just boundary issues and my neighbor won´t translate for me that they´re blocking my driveway.

I´m going to think about what you said and get back to you.

Good for you for having the cars removed. When it hits her in the pocketbook, she has to take notice and change.

As to her coming around, she probably will, sweetly of course, when she wants something.

It may be a good idea to be a little proactive here, and set some boundaries.

Why not consider sending her a registered letter. Tell her that you will no longer answer the door, or phone, when you are home. As you said, you work from home, but need not tell her what hours. Tell her that you would appreciate her being considerate with the noise that disrupts your quality of life, and if you have noise bylaws, file a complaint when she doesn't comply.

I think as someone said, if it does end up in court down the road, having a record of what you've tried to do to remedy the situation will definitely be to your advantage. This type of record, kept meticulously, can also show authorities that there was an escalation in behaviour, and take necessary steps on your behalf.

Thanks for the advice, Jake.

My problem is that she cannot stand my actions concerning the signpost and having unauthorized cars towed away. Since that signpost went up last summer, she´s been worse than ever. She is punishing me for taking action and being assertive.

She went nuts when I came home after work just before Christmas and found her using my parking space again - despite the signs and all the problems she and her friends are having. It´s been seven months since the Police has towed cars away.

I will certainly think about sending her a letter and I´m logging every incident. She´s been away over the New Year and it´s so peaceful. I just wonder what happens when she gets back.

I really feel for you. Even when she's not there, you know she's going to come back, and you don't know what she's going to throw at you next.

I think what worries me about this is that this type of behaviour tends to escalate, as you've seen. There is no reasoning or compromise with people like this.

They only stop when the alternative is worse than their actions.

Good to know you are keeping notes.

Best of luck with that situation Violet.

Hi,

She´s back with her stiletto heels thumping on my ceiling. Turns out she was in the Fjords with her parents. I met them in the driveway. She didn´t say hello, but I exchanged a few words with her mother - she was quite nice and wished me a happy new year. I was very pleasant as well.

They did park all the horse trailers and boxes in the side street - not in my parking space, which is a good sign.

I am very lucky because I have a friend who is a an accomplished singer and gave me loads of CD´s to drown the stiletto noise. I must count myself lucky because I don´t live with many neighbors.

I´m determined to be calm, polite and distant when I see her. But when her ex-husband will be coming with his girlfriend to visit the son, leaving his car parked in the middle of the driveway, I´ll call the borough of this suburb to get a Thai translator so I can speak with them.

Would that get them mad and ruin everything?

She's baaaaaaack!! :D

Who wears stilleto heels in their house anyway. :confused:

I would get the interpreter, yes. Better to be proactive, then have to sit and wait for the next time. Chances are he will park as you said.

So much for a break huh? Keep us posted.

What a nightmare - I still say perhaps moving would be for the best. I know the market is bad, but you know, you don't need the whole market to improve - you need only to sell one flat, right? Or simply decide you are going to move, perhaps in spring - if you know it's just for a period, perhaps it will bother you less in the interim (far less than feeling like this will go on forever).

As another option - registered letter, translated to Thai. Your neighbor, if Thai, may be accostomed to a very communal style of living where everyone is in everyone's business. Be mindful that in Thailand, in some areas, homes only have walls on three sides - with the remaining side open to the river. I was astounded to see it when I was there as a tourist, coming there as an American accostomed to extremes of privacy -

YOu could also consider a sign for your door stating, "Please do not disturb during the hours of 8 am until 6 pm" or whatever would be fitting for your work schedule.

Then again - some people simply don't care they are a nuissance.

She´s actually not Thai, she´s Scandinavian like me. She married a man from Thailand and had a son with him. He has a new girlfriend who is Thai and they come over from time to time to spend time with her son. She lends them her apartment and they stay overnight from time to time.

I met her on the driveway yesterday and wished her a happy new year.

She barely answered, just grunted something.

I´ll see how it develops, but I´ve realized she has far more problems than I thought before I asked for advice here - that´s for sure.

About the stiletto heals - she even has high healed slippers. Feels like heard of horses up there. I will be calling the housing association.

Hi everybody,

Those stilettos are back - along with hammer, saws and nails.

I have consulted a lawyer and I have enough to sue for damages on my house. I have also decided to move, but how should I handle it until then?

It´s the noise. It´s the vacuum-cleaning at all hours, dragging heavy furniture at 4 AM, hammering and drilling at 5 AM.

It´s her sawing down trees outside my window without asking permission when I go away for the week-end.

I had such a lovely Easter until this morning when she awoke me and my niece out of a deep sleep early in the morning. She had workmen up there - Easter Monday is like Sunday here - and they hammered, sawed, drilled and banged all morning and all afternoon. I must say I lost my cool, went out and screamed: "Stop that **** noise!"

They stopped for a while, then came back and hammered some more. When I looked outside, the parents were there with all their vehicules, blocking my driveway. They wanted to gang up on me, all three, but I didn´t answer the door.

Later that afternoon they stopped and left. The yard looks like a construction site. I´ll call my lawyer tomorrow, but please, any suggestion would be welcome as to how to treat her right now. I don´t want to deal with her at all. Through my lawyer I´ve found she´s manipulated me and lied to me.

I don´t want to start shouting or hitting the ceiling with a broom, it will lead to open warfare - so any advice is absolutely vital. Thanks.

Oh Violet,

It got worse instead of better didn't it.

All I can think of right now is make sure you take pictures, lots of them. Get yourself a recording device and record the noise along with the date and time.

I would consider a restraining order against her entire family. To include not to come within so many metres, which would hopefully include the driveway as well.

I trust you have kept a diary. Check with your lawyer as to being able to sue them for any expenses you have incurred if you have to move to a motel/hotel to get away from it.

Once they know that you are either gone, or are selling, they may get into a retaliation mode, so as much as you can, protect yourself and your property.

I am so sorry you are going through this with these crazy people. I'm hoping that you will get a lot of helpful hints here.

Keep us posted if you can.

Thank you so much, Jake.

I´m glad you´re there. Yes, I´ve kept a diary, or better yet a log book, and the council has photos of the house before and after she tore down this entryway, which caused all the damages on my veranda.

Also, I think she´s a spoilt little madam who has somehow managed never to work because she doesn´t feel like it and her parents pay for everything here. She resents me because I won´t stand for her lies and inconsideration. The couple I bought the flat from were in her pocket.

It´s beginning to affect my niece for whom I´m responsible and I don´t feel secure. I´m not afraid to stand up to her parents, but it´s tiresome. A straining order could start open warfare here and I´m afraid she would kill our cats.

I took photos of the yard and I managed to record some of the noise. The thing is I´m so angry at her for driving me away from here, but I must move despite the recession.

Thanks again, Jake. You really helped.

:)Violet

I like to think that people like that eventually get their comeupance.

In the meanwhile, all things considered, I don't blame you one bit for getting out. I think when you are actually out of there, starting over in a new place will do you the world of good.

I'm glad you posted, and thanks for the compliment, truly my pleasure.

Keep in touch.

Also wanted to mention that it sure sounds like you've really done a great job of gathering proof. That will pay off down the road.

I know in the US, there are many laws about when you can even start construction work. Heck where I live, the trash trucks can not even collect trash to after 7 AM.

So time to start getting lawyers in the action

You´re right, Chuck. There are rules here too, probably similar to what you have in the States, but my neighbor has never respected any kind of rules. I´m sure it has something with the way she´s living - unemployed for years despite good health, parents paying for everything.

And since the parents pay the mortgage, they feel they own this place too, so they use my side of the parking lot for their many horse trailers, boxes and unused cars. I put up a parking sign and had the Police tow their vehicules away, but they still do it!

My lawyer is on vacation, but I will check with the Houseowners Association and see what they can assist me with.

I hope no one here at this board will have to go through anything like this! I really do.

Best wishes,
Violet

Hi, I´m back with unresolved stiletto issues! :)

I hope you´re really well and having a wonderful summer.

I did everything you advised me to do, I kept a log book, took photos, talked with my lawyer got to know my rights. We decided it would be best to keep my relationship with her as good as possible and then try to negotiate with her, but until that was possible, she stopped suddenly all noise, and now something strange is happening.

There are two things that I need to speak with her about.

1. The garden. We are supposed to take or it 50/50.
2. The damages on the back side and my veranda side of the house.
3. The roof. It´s leaking.
4. The lights where we park the cars.

Three weeks ago, I came home from work with my foster daughter and met her and her mother in the garden. We both said hello (my daughter and I) smiled and tried to be as nice as possible.

The mother said hello, but my neighbor looked at me with such hatred I thought she wanted to kill me. However, I said to her; "Listen, it´s such a great day today, how do you want to organise the garden work..."?

She didn´t speak to me. I tried calling her later, but she didn´t pick up.

The next day we woke up - and the garden lawn had been mowed and the flower beds taken care of. Real mystery - some one must have been there at 6 AM.

I tried again to talk to her, but she went inside and slammed the door. I got the message. No talk.

Then she stopped being here. Her car is outside, but no one is in the flat... except late at night, someone creeps in to get things and then runs across the lawn. I looked outside the window - it´s her.

I guess I´ll mow the lawn when it stops raining here, but what do you think I should do?

I need to talk to her about the repairs.

Any advice would be most welcome.

Love,
Violet.

P.S. And we´re moving as soon as we can. It´s all planned, but it won´t be until next year.
We need to survive until then. :)