BimmerGuy
Dec 19, 2008, 09:29 AM
Hey All!
I’ve been all over this forum and it has easily been one of the best resources I’ve ever found. Matteus’ “17 Points”, Ash123’s Break-up Survival 101 to Talaniman’s numerous and insightful post have all helped me through my current situation. It is good to know that I’m not the only one out there going through some stuff. So to begin, thank you already!
After reading through a number of the posts I still haven’t come across one that has given me the insight I’m looking for, although I know I may never find it. I will caution you that this is a LONG read but has a lot in it on my situation. If you read any of it then I really appreciate it! If you want to get to the "question" of this whole post go down to the bold line in the middle...
I met my now exgirlfriend roughly 5 years ago while in college. We had a class together and immediately became great friends. I’d often turn to her for female advice and we’d always have a good time. She had a boyfriend at a school she had transferred from but wasn’t totally happy with her relationship nor some other things (she’d transferred was living off campus, not many local friends, etc). Fast forward a year and a half her and I had another class together and always sat next to each other, studied together, etc. Well one night I asked her to dinner and myself, her and her cousin all went out. Nothing big at all just a few drinks and talking. Long story short this got around to her boyfriend and she was really down about it. So a few nights later I asked her over to talk about it and we ended up kissing, staying up the whole night together (nothing physical) and really had a connection. From that night forward we started dating and pretty much immediately started living with each other.
So skipping forward a bit more our relationship was awesome! I grew personally through some other family stuff, she immediately came out of her depression (remember few friends, tough time, etc.) and fell in love. She took up running and working out, I got more involved with school, applied and got into med school and work and life was great. We helped each other and were overall each other’s best friends. I met her family and they immediately fell in love with me as did I with them. The whole extended family loved me, I went on family trips, etc. I’ve already been told I was “part of the family.” Her sister looked up to me, her brother and I got along great. We got a dog together who we both loved and were really pretty tight.
We had a rough spot a year into our relationship where I got busy with some stuff, wasn’t giving her the attention she needed and she asked for space feeling out things with some other guy she worked with. A week later we were back together, fresh, etc. We moved forward, graduated and then I started working full time with her attending medical school at the same place she graduated. She got her own apartment, I bought a house right out of college (we each need our own spaces), we got another dog and really enjoyed the past year. We went out with her friends, with my friends, she studied, I worked, etc.
Unfortunately the past two months have been pretty rough on us both. When she started school this year things were a little different. She was studying what seemed to be like 120% of the time to the point where she was carrying a book and notes in her bag, we saw a little less of each other and we barely ever went out. I always asked her about going out and her friends, whether she wanted to get a movie, etc but she never really could. This was tough since we were both pretty much living together too. I spent MAYBE 2 days a month at my house. She also got upset if I did anything “active” with friends but wouldn’t run with her even though I asked her to go rock climbing, play tennis, etc.
Beginning in Sept she started to get indifferent. Around our 3 year anniversary she didn’t act like much (even though I bought her a VERY nice bracelet and earrings and tried to go out to dinner). In the mornings she would kiss me goodbye less and less and would start saying things like “I know we’ve been together for 3 years but you haven’t won me, yet” and she became really concerned about her body (why I don’t know but 5’7” blue eyes, blonde, GREAT figure and a size 4 while being in shape from running and small triathalons isn’t something to be concerned about). We talked and she said she didn’t feel like we were as close and she was stressed. We made some changes and all seemed to be good and getting better. For the most part I tried to stay out of her way letting her study and have her time but we drifted a bit.
For the past two years we’ve talked about getting married and she would ask me all the time if I wanted to marry her to which I replied “of course.” I started saving up and was ready to pop the questions this spring. We were taking our time with my work and her studies but it was on the books. About 2 months before we broke up we looked at rings online and she picked out the ones she liked and when in the mall she’d ask me if I wanted to go look at rings at the jewelers. Things were GREAT! She later said this was her “defense mechanism” that she used to try to make herself feel better about the future…
So the outcome of all of this is that roughly a month ago my girlfriend of 3 years asked for some space and wanted to step back from things. She was RIDICULOUSLY stressed with major exams coming up, her grandmother being put in the hospital (close family), all her friends coming to her with their problems but she didn’t want to burden anybody else, etc. I also was about to embark on 5 weeks on travel (4-7 days at a time to various places) and she was stressed with our relationship.
On the day I was coming home from my first trip she called and told me she loved me, needed to have a break, etc. I grabbed an earlier flight back, she picked me up and we talked about it. She said that she wasn’t happy, felt too much stress, and didn’t know if things could work for her. She kept saying that she tried to tell me but hadn’t gotten through and she wanted to find what made her happy, she needed time for some other things. My initial reaction wasn’t the best (logical and emotional) but after a few days I told her I understood and would be there if she needed me.
*******************************
So NOW here is what is killing me. She told me she wanted “space.” I gave it to her but no longer than 2 days after she messages me on Facebook asking me how I was doing and thanking me for the flowers I had sent 5 days prior but told her not to worry about them. She made a point to thank me and tell me they were beautiful. I said fine and we had a small conversation. This continued a few times and she would message me every now and then. I get back from a trip for thanksgiving, throw some pics up on Facebook and within 30 minutes she calls me. She asks about a $5 cable for her computer and I said I didn’t have it. We talked for like 15 minutes about Thanksgiving, family, etc. and had a good conversation. I told her I’d check with our IT guy for a cable. The next day I got the cable took it to her, she invited me in for a minute, we talked about casual stuff, I began to walk out and then turned around and ask “why are you messaging me, getting in touch with me, etc.” she responded that she knew and that we should “chill out with all of it.” Keep in mind I NEVER initiated it.
I say fine, you need space you have it. Not rude or anything just matter of factly. So I leave for another business trip, told myself NC is the way to go and began getting on with stuff. I was doing GREAT, meeting people, enjoying myself and new hobbies (running, getting back into cars, etc.) and what do you know, 3 days later after tell me we needed to “chill” she messages me on Facebook AGAIN! I oblige she asks me about my trip, tells me she is struggling with things (exams, family, etc.). I try to console her and tell her she will do great, etc, etc. She tells me to “have some fun for her” and we leave it at that. So that night I write her a brief email saying that if she needs anything pride, confusion, frustration aside I’m here for her (she reached out to me on Facebook, I know her). A couple days later she messages me on FB AGAIN apologizing for not getting back to me, thanking me for the email, asking about what I was doing ,etc. She also asks me to “hike” some for her as I was going on a big hike. Why she asked me that I don’t know. So moving forward I feel good about things, and email her VERY briefly about something she’d be interested in and did 1 line, like 6 words with I hope she was doing well. She emails me back a couple days later tell me she saw some things on Facebook (dog about broke my thumb off giving her a bath), she hoped I was all right, hope work was going well, etc. and ended the message with “I will talk to you soon, I’m sure.” I’m not one to read into things but c’mon that isn’t a “common” ending.
So after this and talking to some people I stepped back and thought she was trying to “have her cake and eat it too.” So I went NC for like 9 days before breaking it the other day. I asked her how she was with exams being over. We had a good conversation online. We got off and I remembered that I didn’t ask her about some financial documents so I send her a text message. Within minutes she CALLS me, we talk for a moment, she tells me she is about to jump in the shower, but would talk with me more and would check on my docs. She texts me later that she “Found it!” and I ask her back how she wanted me to get it. She says whatever is easiest for me so I tell her I will get it when I’m in the area tomorrow when I go for dinner with some friends, no rush on it though.
So (and the end is near I assure you!) the following night I decide to go out with some friends and end up in the rec room at her apt complex with 7 other friends from the same place. I, drunkenly, text her asking if I could come and get it. She tells me if it was in the next 10 minutes (she was going out) and then calls me like a minute later. I missed it at first and then called her back. I told her I was in the pool room but to not worry about it because of everybody being there and the situation. She insists on bringing it down. So she comes to the rec room, she gives me the docs, I let her in and she says hey to everybody (mutual friends) and looks great! She comes up to me, tells me I had something on my chin (I cut it while shaving) and I told her the story behind it and she tells me she was about to wipe it off for me. So she stays there for like 5 minutes then heads out to meet some friends. She doesn’t really hug me but gets close and says bye and that she’ll see me later. I stupidly ask “really” to which she replies, “I don’t know maybe.” She says bye to everybody and is headed out when I run up behind her and tell her at the door to tell her family hello for me and merry xmas. She says she definitely will and we tell each other to take care of ourselves.
So in the world’s biggest nutshell that is it. I know everybody on here will tell me NC, get over her, etc. but this situation doesn’t feel like that. I honestly feel that she has taken her time and space to concentrate on her and her studies and I’m of the belief that breaks can make relationships much stronger.
The thing that really gets to me are her mixed signals. She says she wants space but her actions speak 180 of that. What am I to make of these things? I thought she might want to “have her cake and eat it too” but it doesn’t feel like that and she knows that I won’t put up with that. I hate this limbo stage in which part of me is holding on to her and wants to talk to her but another half is pulling at me telling me that if after 3 years we can’t get through a trying couple of months, how will be cope as a couple with real issues like having kids, being married, etc.
Do I simply ask her what she is thinking, give her time and just bear the brunt until after she has national boards later this month, etc? I know she still loves me (she told me) but I’m upside down right now. I don’t want to push her away if she is really thinking about us, but I don’t want to appear like I’m just hanging out waiting and not moving on with my life. As I said before I've really reevaluted some things, am working out more, taking some misc classes to get a second degree, working on my house and until that one business trip was doing. Now I almost feel like I'm back at square one. Any advice guys? Should I reach? Hold out? I REALLY appreciate it!
I’ve been all over this forum and it has easily been one of the best resources I’ve ever found. Matteus’ “17 Points”, Ash123’s Break-up Survival 101 to Talaniman’s numerous and insightful post have all helped me through my current situation. It is good to know that I’m not the only one out there going through some stuff. So to begin, thank you already!
After reading through a number of the posts I still haven’t come across one that has given me the insight I’m looking for, although I know I may never find it. I will caution you that this is a LONG read but has a lot in it on my situation. If you read any of it then I really appreciate it! If you want to get to the "question" of this whole post go down to the bold line in the middle...
I met my now exgirlfriend roughly 5 years ago while in college. We had a class together and immediately became great friends. I’d often turn to her for female advice and we’d always have a good time. She had a boyfriend at a school she had transferred from but wasn’t totally happy with her relationship nor some other things (she’d transferred was living off campus, not many local friends, etc). Fast forward a year and a half her and I had another class together and always sat next to each other, studied together, etc. Well one night I asked her to dinner and myself, her and her cousin all went out. Nothing big at all just a few drinks and talking. Long story short this got around to her boyfriend and she was really down about it. So a few nights later I asked her over to talk about it and we ended up kissing, staying up the whole night together (nothing physical) and really had a connection. From that night forward we started dating and pretty much immediately started living with each other.
So skipping forward a bit more our relationship was awesome! I grew personally through some other family stuff, she immediately came out of her depression (remember few friends, tough time, etc.) and fell in love. She took up running and working out, I got more involved with school, applied and got into med school and work and life was great. We helped each other and were overall each other’s best friends. I met her family and they immediately fell in love with me as did I with them. The whole extended family loved me, I went on family trips, etc. I’ve already been told I was “part of the family.” Her sister looked up to me, her brother and I got along great. We got a dog together who we both loved and were really pretty tight.
We had a rough spot a year into our relationship where I got busy with some stuff, wasn’t giving her the attention she needed and she asked for space feeling out things with some other guy she worked with. A week later we were back together, fresh, etc. We moved forward, graduated and then I started working full time with her attending medical school at the same place she graduated. She got her own apartment, I bought a house right out of college (we each need our own spaces), we got another dog and really enjoyed the past year. We went out with her friends, with my friends, she studied, I worked, etc.
Unfortunately the past two months have been pretty rough on us both. When she started school this year things were a little different. She was studying what seemed to be like 120% of the time to the point where she was carrying a book and notes in her bag, we saw a little less of each other and we barely ever went out. I always asked her about going out and her friends, whether she wanted to get a movie, etc but she never really could. This was tough since we were both pretty much living together too. I spent MAYBE 2 days a month at my house. She also got upset if I did anything “active” with friends but wouldn’t run with her even though I asked her to go rock climbing, play tennis, etc.
Beginning in Sept she started to get indifferent. Around our 3 year anniversary she didn’t act like much (even though I bought her a VERY nice bracelet and earrings and tried to go out to dinner). In the mornings she would kiss me goodbye less and less and would start saying things like “I know we’ve been together for 3 years but you haven’t won me, yet” and she became really concerned about her body (why I don’t know but 5’7” blue eyes, blonde, GREAT figure and a size 4 while being in shape from running and small triathalons isn’t something to be concerned about). We talked and she said she didn’t feel like we were as close and she was stressed. We made some changes and all seemed to be good and getting better. For the most part I tried to stay out of her way letting her study and have her time but we drifted a bit.
For the past two years we’ve talked about getting married and she would ask me all the time if I wanted to marry her to which I replied “of course.” I started saving up and was ready to pop the questions this spring. We were taking our time with my work and her studies but it was on the books. About 2 months before we broke up we looked at rings online and she picked out the ones she liked and when in the mall she’d ask me if I wanted to go look at rings at the jewelers. Things were GREAT! She later said this was her “defense mechanism” that she used to try to make herself feel better about the future…
So the outcome of all of this is that roughly a month ago my girlfriend of 3 years asked for some space and wanted to step back from things. She was RIDICULOUSLY stressed with major exams coming up, her grandmother being put in the hospital (close family), all her friends coming to her with their problems but she didn’t want to burden anybody else, etc. I also was about to embark on 5 weeks on travel (4-7 days at a time to various places) and she was stressed with our relationship.
On the day I was coming home from my first trip she called and told me she loved me, needed to have a break, etc. I grabbed an earlier flight back, she picked me up and we talked about it. She said that she wasn’t happy, felt too much stress, and didn’t know if things could work for her. She kept saying that she tried to tell me but hadn’t gotten through and she wanted to find what made her happy, she needed time for some other things. My initial reaction wasn’t the best (logical and emotional) but after a few days I told her I understood and would be there if she needed me.
*******************************
So NOW here is what is killing me. She told me she wanted “space.” I gave it to her but no longer than 2 days after she messages me on Facebook asking me how I was doing and thanking me for the flowers I had sent 5 days prior but told her not to worry about them. She made a point to thank me and tell me they were beautiful. I said fine and we had a small conversation. This continued a few times and she would message me every now and then. I get back from a trip for thanksgiving, throw some pics up on Facebook and within 30 minutes she calls me. She asks about a $5 cable for her computer and I said I didn’t have it. We talked for like 15 minutes about Thanksgiving, family, etc. and had a good conversation. I told her I’d check with our IT guy for a cable. The next day I got the cable took it to her, she invited me in for a minute, we talked about casual stuff, I began to walk out and then turned around and ask “why are you messaging me, getting in touch with me, etc.” she responded that she knew and that we should “chill out with all of it.” Keep in mind I NEVER initiated it.
I say fine, you need space you have it. Not rude or anything just matter of factly. So I leave for another business trip, told myself NC is the way to go and began getting on with stuff. I was doing GREAT, meeting people, enjoying myself and new hobbies (running, getting back into cars, etc.) and what do you know, 3 days later after tell me we needed to “chill” she messages me on Facebook AGAIN! I oblige she asks me about my trip, tells me she is struggling with things (exams, family, etc.). I try to console her and tell her she will do great, etc, etc. She tells me to “have some fun for her” and we leave it at that. So that night I write her a brief email saying that if she needs anything pride, confusion, frustration aside I’m here for her (she reached out to me on Facebook, I know her). A couple days later she messages me on FB AGAIN apologizing for not getting back to me, thanking me for the email, asking about what I was doing ,etc. She also asks me to “hike” some for her as I was going on a big hike. Why she asked me that I don’t know. So moving forward I feel good about things, and email her VERY briefly about something she’d be interested in and did 1 line, like 6 words with I hope she was doing well. She emails me back a couple days later tell me she saw some things on Facebook (dog about broke my thumb off giving her a bath), she hoped I was all right, hope work was going well, etc. and ended the message with “I will talk to you soon, I’m sure.” I’m not one to read into things but c’mon that isn’t a “common” ending.
So after this and talking to some people I stepped back and thought she was trying to “have her cake and eat it too.” So I went NC for like 9 days before breaking it the other day. I asked her how she was with exams being over. We had a good conversation online. We got off and I remembered that I didn’t ask her about some financial documents so I send her a text message. Within minutes she CALLS me, we talk for a moment, she tells me she is about to jump in the shower, but would talk with me more and would check on my docs. She texts me later that she “Found it!” and I ask her back how she wanted me to get it. She says whatever is easiest for me so I tell her I will get it when I’m in the area tomorrow when I go for dinner with some friends, no rush on it though.
So (and the end is near I assure you!) the following night I decide to go out with some friends and end up in the rec room at her apt complex with 7 other friends from the same place. I, drunkenly, text her asking if I could come and get it. She tells me if it was in the next 10 minutes (she was going out) and then calls me like a minute later. I missed it at first and then called her back. I told her I was in the pool room but to not worry about it because of everybody being there and the situation. She insists on bringing it down. So she comes to the rec room, she gives me the docs, I let her in and she says hey to everybody (mutual friends) and looks great! She comes up to me, tells me I had something on my chin (I cut it while shaving) and I told her the story behind it and she tells me she was about to wipe it off for me. So she stays there for like 5 minutes then heads out to meet some friends. She doesn’t really hug me but gets close and says bye and that she’ll see me later. I stupidly ask “really” to which she replies, “I don’t know maybe.” She says bye to everybody and is headed out when I run up behind her and tell her at the door to tell her family hello for me and merry xmas. She says she definitely will and we tell each other to take care of ourselves.
So in the world’s biggest nutshell that is it. I know everybody on here will tell me NC, get over her, etc. but this situation doesn’t feel like that. I honestly feel that she has taken her time and space to concentrate on her and her studies and I’m of the belief that breaks can make relationships much stronger.
The thing that really gets to me are her mixed signals. She says she wants space but her actions speak 180 of that. What am I to make of these things? I thought she might want to “have her cake and eat it too” but it doesn’t feel like that and she knows that I won’t put up with that. I hate this limbo stage in which part of me is holding on to her and wants to talk to her but another half is pulling at me telling me that if after 3 years we can’t get through a trying couple of months, how will be cope as a couple with real issues like having kids, being married, etc.
Do I simply ask her what she is thinking, give her time and just bear the brunt until after she has national boards later this month, etc? I know she still loves me (she told me) but I’m upside down right now. I don’t want to push her away if she is really thinking about us, but I don’t want to appear like I’m just hanging out waiting and not moving on with my life. As I said before I've really reevaluted some things, am working out more, taking some misc classes to get a second degree, working on my house and until that one business trip was doing. Now I almost feel like I'm back at square one. Any advice guys? Should I reach? Hold out? I REALLY appreciate it!