All threads merged.

I know sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. Im 17 (please no comments on how young I am.. I had a serious year and a bit long relationship when I was 13/14 and have had enough crap situations with guys to know how to stand up for myself and know what I want to do etc and I know I am ready for sex) and have been with my current boyfriend for over a year now. He is the love of my life, I don't know what I would do without him. He has helped me through so much over the last year or so its unbelievable. He is sweet, caring and attractive, and he says the same about me, he says I'm beautiful. So why won't he make love to me? We are both virgins, and I am the 2nd girl he's ever done anything sexual with, but he didn't do a lot with his previous girlfriend as they were not together long. I myself was pressured into doing things when I was 13/14.. long story blahblah...

I have very low self esteem and self confidence issues, and he knows this. We used to do foreplay quite often, then it started getting a little less frequent, which was no big deal.. but now.. everytime I try and initiate anything he shrugs it off.. and however many times he's told me he wants to make love to me when it comes to it he won't. It makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted. I love him to pieces so I do not want to end the relationship. I also do not want to tell him in a way that will make him feel pressurised because I know from experience how horrible it feels.

How do I tell him how I feel without an argument and making him feel pressured? Please help.

He is afraid of getting you pregnant, he is self conscious of his manhood, he is self conscious about his inadequatecies in reference to exactly what to do? Pick one, any or all of them could fit.

He is afraid of getting you pregnant, he is self conscious of his manhood, he is self conscious about his inadequatecies in reference to exactly what to do? Pick one, any or all of them could fit.

Well we tried once... months ago now.. and he always insists he would use a condom which was a relief as I know some of my friends who have been with guys who have not used them. So it won't be the pregnant thing (although thanks for the suggestion)

The third seems more fitting.. but he tells me he's fine and he got over the fact that he "couldnt keep it up" the first time, obviously due to nerves etc.
Thanks for you reply. However I am still open for more

You may be ready, but he is not. Don't take it personally, just try and understand him better, and be patient. This is something to talk over.

Talaniman - Thanks very much for your reply. I tried talking about it with him last night and he refused to. He said "I feel stupid cause everytime we have tried I ruin it"

We tried once, months ago, and he told me he was over what went wrong, several times. I just don tunderstand why he wouldn't tell me he's uncomfortable. :(

Its hard for guys to open up

We are suppose to be the best at sex and have no fears when it comes to it.

But really deep down. We are all scared. Of a lot of things.

So don't take it to heart ;) just be there and understanding.

Trust me. Your support will mean more to him than you could ever know
And I speak from the heart on this one ;)

All the best chica

TrueFaith - Thanks for your reply

I am trying so hard to be supportive, just after a while it gets difficult because he won't open up. Im going to still be there for him though.. hopefully one day he will tell me =]

Another thing guys won't do, is see a doctor. We need to just to be sure everything is okay, is he taking medication?

He is not ready. Think how it would feel if you were not ready. Wouldn't you want him to be patient with you? He sounds like a really nice person. It may take him a while, so that might mean adopting a long- term kind of patience.

I don't think he really needs to tell you anything. It's fine for you both to grow up a bit more.

When will you both be 18?

TrueFaith-No he is not taking any medication

asking - He will be 18 in February, myself in July (im the youngen of the group :P). Just to clarify that where we live it is legal at 16. =] But I do understand, its just difficult to be patient. I have problems at home and college so its not helping my patience... and I have no vent, because I don't want to upset him talking about why it may seem I'm not as understanding as I am.

I am not saying it's not normal for you to desire him. It is and I am sure he is flattered. But you are right in thinking that pressure will not help. It's a frustrating situation, I can believe, but you can be a loving girlfriend by not pressuring him yet. I think you should table this for now, and just try to assume in your mind you are not going to have sex in the foreseeable future. Many people wait until much later.

What kind of problems are you having at home and at school?

asking - I understand completely and thank you for your replies

Lots of stress, bullying teacher, parents spilt up then back together now all they do is argue and I get caught in the middle.. the stress mounts up and its at a point where I'm not sleeping, my blood pressure is so high I'm getting nose bleeds and I can't talk to my boyfriend because I don't want to upset him.

This is BAD! You need an adult to help you get some peace. Do you have a relative you could go stay with while your parents find themselves? Or sometimes a friend's parents will take you in for a while.

Are there any friendly adults in your life you could at least talk to about this?

I agree that you need to vent. You are always welcome to vent here, but it would be good if you could find someone who could actually offer some help.

I have no other relatives over here to talk to.. and the only other adults apart from teachers I sometimes speak to are my boyfriends parents, but I don't speak to them enough to be able to vent if you get me.. they took me in for over a week a while back cz I got kicked out for telling parents to grow up :P but I will find a way =] I just need a way to tell my boyfriend that I do love him and that he can talk to me about this mental barrier he has whenever he wants without sounding pushy.. thats what I'm having trouble with

So this isn't really about sex, but your lack of having honest expression.

That's what you tell you b/f, you need someone to talk to and vent, not jump his bones. Be honest and say you need a very good listener fast, make sure he knows to keep his mouth shut, and offer no solutions unless you ask for them.

Yeah.. he is a good listener.. one of his infinate positive traits! Just worried id upset him really

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now. I love him with all my heart and he is an incredible, intelligent, caring, gorgeous (and plenty more) person.

But help...

We have not yet had sex, which didn't bother me at first, but the last few months its really started to play on my mind... he always makes excuses for not doing anything.
We hardly go out, he seems to have lost his sparkle.. but sometimes he can be normal..

It doesn't feel like we are moving forward.. if any thing I am questionning myself (I have low self esteem/confidence because of behaviour of past guys in my life).. am I doing something wrong? Is it me? Does he still find me attractive?

Does he still love me?

I don't know what to do to make this relationship start moving again, but I don't know what to say to him to make this happen.. I'm not great when it comes to speaking my ideas and I don't want to hurt him by accident.

Help? :confused:
Thank you

p.s. I am not going to break up with him.. I could never see myself doing that.. unless nothing else in the universe works..

Is there a reason why you two haven't slept to gether yet? Does he want to wait for marriage or are there other reasons?

Not that there's anything wrong with waiting, but I'm wondering why after 1 1/2 years you two still haven't been intimate.

How old are you? How old is he? Is this his first serious relationship?

There could be so many reasons for this but they'd all be guesses.

I think it's time to express your concerns to him. It's best to talk about this stuff with each other, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy trying to guess what's going on, thinking the worse when it could be something really simple and not at all a big deal. :)

He is 18, I turn 18 in July (where we live it is legal at 16 to have sex by the way :) )
For both of us it will be the first time for sex.
I have asked why we have not had sex before and all he can say is "I don't know, but it's not you"

Hes not a very.. open guy if you get me? Which is why it is difficult to ask him stuff sometimes.

He is 18, I turn 18 in July (where we live it is legal at 16 to have sex by the way :) )
For both of us it will be the first time for sex.
I have asked why we have not had sex before and all he can say is "I don't know, but it's not you"

Hes not a very..open guy if you get me? which is why it is difficult to ask him stuff sometimes.

MAybe talk to a counseler. He seems to be displaying odd behaviour, distancing himself from others, and such. See if he won't talk to you straight up, because if you can't be open and honest with your SO then how can you trust one another? For some one with self confidence issues, that's very very bed, or at least hard to deal with.

You have needs that need to be filled, so don't hesitat to let that be known, as you are apart of the relationship.

Good luck. Peace be with you.

Any time.

You sound like a great girl, so please remember that you have to look after that great girl, because you are the only one that knows, and understands that great girl, Ok?

He kind of does sound like he needs to talk to a counseler.

Peace and kindness

I suggest that you may need to speak to someone else about him before you speak to him yourself. Just to get a sense of what to say and to help your confidence when you approach the issue with him.

As others have already said - there could be so many reasons for his behaviour. He could be insecure, depressed or even unsure about his sexuality.

You are both young and sound inexperienced. Best thing is to talk to someone about your concerns and don't blame yourself.

I wouldn't be worried about the sex, I would be trying to figure out where the relationship is going. That's what the conversation should be about.

Let me ask you what plans for the future are you looking into for yourself?

I have been with my boyfriend for over 1 year 8 months now, and we have not had sex yet. Whenever we try lately, he can't seem to get a full erection. This happens even if we are just 'fooling around', not trying to have sex. He claims he is enjoying himself, but I can't help feel like it is my fault that he can not get fully erect (I have low self confidence as it is), I feel unnatractive to him and like a rubbish girlfriend because I can't please him sexually. It has really gotten to me and now I don't want to try anything intimate in case it happens again. It has really upset me and I don't know what to do about it =[

He might have erectile dysfunction, which has nothing to do with his attraction to you. I would suggest him going to see a doctor and see what they can do for him!

Even younger men can have erectile dysfunction. I highly doubt it's you that can't make him fully erect... HIGHLY doubt it.

What does he say about it? He doesn't seem to blame it on you (which is fantastic), which kind of suggests he knows something's wrong.

I would talk to him about it, and suggest to him to see the doctor about it. No one wants to admit there is a problem with their "junk," but sooner or later it's going to really cause some issues. It clearly already bothers you.

It wouldn't hurt to try.

It's not your problem it is his

Torrid13 is very very right. It very doubtedly has anything to do with you. And Torrid13's suggestion is a major possibility. I have to ask though, and it's not that disrespect this at all, But why have you waited so long to have sex? Have you actually been waiting to get married? I actually think of that as very respectable. I had a problem similar to that once though. I had a girl friend once that I thought was beautiful, but we just never did anything sexual and went around and hung out together and you know, stuff. I was just always involved with someone else. We got along great. After a couple of years, the opportunity came up and I couldn't get it up. In that case I determined that I had just stopped seeing her as a sexual object, because my stuff worked fine. It really hurt her too.

We have not just started trying, we have been trying for a good year and a bit now...

In that case, I'll have to side with Torrid13. He needs to see a doctor.

Yeah, if this has been an issue for that long, by all means, go see a doctor! Your boyfriend is just going to have to get over himself and go see what the deal is.

Let him know you support him going to the doctor, and that you don't think any less of him for having to do so. He might think that if there's an issue, you might think he's not "man enough" for you. So let him know you're there for support.

Good luck!

Everything Torrid13 has to say is true. Unfortunately something I have to tell you, when you suggest a doctor, conditions may get worse. His own self confidence may be bruised.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/no-sexual-contact-299891.html

You have been going through this for some time, and either he is not interested in sex, or has a problem.

If he won't go to a doctor to see if he has a medical problem, and refuses to talk, then either you accept him for what he is, and forget sex, or leave him. This has gone on for far to long, for there to be no resolution. Tell him that.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/no-sexual-contact-299891.html

You have been going thru this for some time, and either he is not interested in sex, or has a problem.

If he won't go to a doctor to see if he has a medical problem, and refuses to talk, then either you accept him for what he is, and forget sex, or leave him. This has gone on for far to long, for there to be no resolution. Tell him that.
Opheliacgirl,you surely do seem like a great and very loving,strong girl.Very patient,supportive with a caring heart.For someone who's been through quite a bit at this age,you don't need to get into a relationship where you and your partner have varying ideas of one of the most basic aspects of a relationship,i.e getting intimate.

Its quite clear your boyfriend loves you and is OK with the idea of not having sex yet you have been wanting to get intimate for the last one and a half years.For whatever reason,medical or otherwise,if your boyfriend isn't able to come to terms with your need to make love,I think gradually you'll be entering a zone where your priorities will be different.

So,think about it.Would you be able to carry on like this or do you think you would rather face him,have a conversation and take a decision.

Like someone said,you are a great girl and only you should take care of yourself.

All the best.Hope everything works out just the way you want.

Thank you everyone for all your help :) I will talk to him about why he doesn't want to get intimate/feel able to be intimate, whilst trying to not make him feel too uncomfortable about the situation. Depending on his answer, I will suggest a doctor.

I really am grateful for all your help (and your comments about me being strong and patient were very sweet, made me blush haha ^^)

Peace out =] x

Keep us informed about the progress as we always like to hear how the story ends

It sound like he is worry that he not the man u think he is