In advance, sorry for the long description, but I want to make sure that those who answer understand my situation.

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for a year and 5 months, it has been the most amazing time of my life. I am in my junior year of college. Three weeks ago, she called and said she wanted to break up, then we got back together, but for the two weeks after she hasn't been paying much attention to me. I would always call, ask to hang out, even dropped off a rose with her favorite hot fudge Sunday in the mailbox. Tried my best to fix the relationship. When we did call each other though, she would say that she loves me.
Well, 5 days ago she said we should take a break since she is so busy with school Since I wasn't extremely happy with the way she wasn't paying attention, I agreed that might be the best solution...
I did not call her, but she would and she still does. She said we should see each other on Friday, I told her that will be fine probably. She has been acting on the phone the same way that she has before, saying she loves me and asking me if I still love her. Well, guess what happened two nights ago, I asked her if she still wanted to meet on Friday, and she said she is going out with her friends to the mall earlier and might be busy in the evening. So now I am just getting the sense that she is taking advantage of the fact that she knows I will love her regardless and does whatever she wants.

So, this is very difficult for me to forget her because she would call and say those things since I still love her very very much. If she goes back to being the person that she was, I would love to keep dating her. She kept saying that she needed time to figure herself out. So I have gotten a suggestion from a friend the other day to not answer her calls for a few days and see if she gets things figured out. Right now is the second day, she keeps calling all the time, texted me asking if she did something wrong. On aim, she said she still loves me and does not know why I keep ignoring her. I really don't know what to do now, should I ignore her longer or maybe should I answer her? I am a little afraid that she will stop trying to contact me completely.

You need to tell her this: at this stage there are only two options. You are either together or you aren't. Nothing in between. If the answer is the latter, you need time to work things through and will get in touch with her if and when you're ready. She needs to stop contacting you when you're trying to do that.

Your weren't happy with the way she treats you, but have not let her know?? No wonder she does what she does.

Instead of ignoring her hoping she changes, talk, and see if there is a resolution to the situation, that you both can live with. If not, don't waste time.

Perhaps you guys are right, I need to be a bit more direct with her. The reason we went to this break phase was because she realized she wasn't being a good girlfriend and I think she figured that it is because she was busy with school at the moment. I will talk to her tonight and post back to tell you what comes out of this.
Thank you for helping out.

Well, no good news today. I told her everything last night she listened, said that she still loves me just as much and plans to be with me in the future, even mentioned marriage and such. She just said that right now is such a difficult time for her trying to balance schoolwork and boyfriend and all the other things. On a more unfortunate note, I found out that she went to drink lounge a few weeks ago with her female friend, didn't even tell me about it, I recall her calling me the next day being really cute and saying that she stayed up all night at home talking with her friend and listening to her. However she wouldn't call me back until the night after. Anyway, kind of bummed me out that she didn't tell me.
In terms of the relationship, she did not give me a definite answer, she would act really cute as always and saying that she loves me and got me off being serious, so I didn't push her. Today same thing happened as before, she wouldn't pick up my phone for a while, then called back 5 hours later. I answered, told her my phone battery was dying and I would call her back. Called her a min ago and she didn't pick up as usual. I know she has finals all week and is probably studying, but I feel like she should at least dedicate a bit of time to me. Am I being overly possessive here? Been thinking about myself, maybe I am the one who is over dramatizing this. Its just that I called her from a friends number today who she does not know and she called him back after 5 min. To call me back it took 5 hours. What do you think guys, is it just in my head, is there any hope in this relationship?

I think that right now you need to make it clear for her that you NEED a definite answer. If she can't balance you with her life right now, then it's better to break up since she'll be hurting you and she'll suffer too (it seems that she likes you), and the relationship will end down the road in a much more painful way, with deep emotional scars. It's also the only way you guys can give another shot in the future.

And if she wants to keep you, than make it clear that you need a reasonable level of attention (and it doesn't seem to me that you are asking too much).

Don't let her evade this question. If she does that again, tell her that you can't stand the uncertainty and that you are breaking up with her. It will probably feel really really awful right now, but I think it's the right thing to do.

How can people say. I love you . But I don't want to be with you?

It just does not make any sense

She is only telling you this to make her feel better
And by doing this she is giving you false hope

Take it is as an end to the relationship
Trust me I know its hard!
But once you put that gear in motion
You will start to heal a lot better!


All the best

Regards

This is my advice, may not be the best, but here we go,she seems to no how too control you. And that's just not cool, as your friend said you should ignor her. But for a week, hmm I don't really know about that one, ask her what she wants from you?
Try and find out why she still "loves" you but insists not too be together.
And the whole thing about Friday, was basically a test, too see if she has you right where she wants you.
No offence she seems like a controlling ,
But, I hoped this has helped.

Disappear from her life, because if her actions, matched her words, she would be working to grow this relationship, not tear it down.

The thing your not seeing is she is letting you go, and taking her freedom, while you sit on the porch and wait.

Stand up for yourself with actions, not words. Don't be controlled

Well, I talked to her 30 min ago. She says she loves me just as much, she mentioned yesterday to give her until Thursday because her finals will be over to decide on things. Right now she is studying on campus with a guy from her class. Don't think they have anything going on or anything. I also may need to mention that we live about 2 hours apart and go to different colleges, used to see each other at least every weekend and usually she would come down during the week to see me here too. I almost feel as if we could see each other more, I could get things worked out, but I am not sure. She was my first girl, so I am not very experienced in this. I feel like we really have a future together and I think she appears to feel the same way.
I completely agree with you Rawr_its_andrew, she is controlling me, whether she is talking to me or not. I do not like it, but unfortunately it ended up that way. And yes, I also realized it was a test the day after. Good point on noticing that, haha. You guys think I should wait till Thursday to finalize things? Also, I wish there were ways to make her less control over me, but I just love her so much its very difficult.

Just to add on, another thing that keeps me attached to her is the fact that this summer I wasn't the greatest boyfriend to her, went clubbing with friends a couple times, went to see some friends at the beach and kissed one of the girls. I told her all that, but she still kept loving me, but I am sure she was hurt emotionally Perhaps those scars are what initially caused her to talk about breaking up with me. Maybe if we get through this it will make our relationship stronger? I cannot tell right now if I am just trying to make up excuses not to end it with her... am I?

Yes, there is a way to not let her have control over you. It's simple. Don't let her! See, what you are not seeing, as by being available all of the time, and agreeing to her timetable, and the way she wants to do things, you are letting her walk all over you. She knows this, and will take advantage of it, if given the opportunity. She's already doing that now, because she knows she can, and that you won't speak up for yourself.

You are making excuses for her, and all she has to do after blowing you off and not answering your calls, is tell you that she loves you, and you are right back to where you were! You have to set some boundaries and limitations for her and for yourself. It doesn't sound to me like there is a whole lot of honest comunication between the two of you.

I noticed something you said also. You said you didn't "think" there was anything going on with her and her study partner. I think you actually think there might be, and it's quite possible. If she calls you one minute, and then you call her back and she doesn't answer, well there's a red flag right there.

OK the distance thing seems a little far,
Yeah I Guess You Should wait, But Yeah Don't Fall For It All Over Again,
Just play it cautios, and if she does a repete of the whole Friday thing,
Tell her off and move on,
It may hurt and be hard, but it will help in the long run,

I have a feeling she is cheating on u.

No one is that busy studying for finals when they have time to go to drinking lounge and go to the mall with her friends.

She keeps telling u, she loves u, so she doesn't loose u. Until she decides the other guy is right for her. (I maybe wrong but try to find out about her from neutral sources, do more research on her activities and don't just rely on what she says.)

Just to add on, another thing that keeps me attached to her is the fact that this summer i wasnt the greatest bf to her, went clubbing with friends a couple times, went to see some friends at the beach and kissed one of the girls. i told her all that, but she still kept loving me, but i am sure she was hurt emotionally Perhaps those scars are what initially caused her to talk about breaking up with me. Maybe if we get through this it will make our relationship stronger? I cannot tell right now if i am just trying to make up excuses not to end it with her...am I?

Sorry to say it, but I think you are.

The whole clubbing thing and the frineds thing is normal she can't control you with your friends you can't spend every waking moment with her, and the kissing the girl. Hmm, has she ever done anything like that ?
That would explain why she would be so calm about it,

I wouldn't say you're a bad boyfriend, just her demands are way too high,

yeah you guys are right, I am going to work on myself regardless whether I stay with her or not, I do not need to be controlled by a girl like that. I also deeply regret what I did when I kissed that other girl because it only made me think of my girlfriend, at that point I did not fully value the love that my girlfriend would give me, really didn't realize what she meant to me until this whole break up thing started. I took her for granted, yet I always treated her very well. I would buy her flowers randomly, show my love in many ways, anything to make her happy and see her smile. She would do the same to me, maybe even more.
I just called her an hour ago and told her I might be going over the christmas break for a few days to see my friend, a guy, in Florida who invited me over (which is not true), but that did not make her happy, don't know why I did that, just wanted to show her that I have my own life besides her and wouldn't be waiting around to see her every day of the christmas break. Hehe, probably just going to work the whole break and play 360.

Hey guys, allright, I called my girlfriend and told her that I do not want this anymore, I do not want a one sided relationship and we need to end the whole break thing. She started crying of course. I told her that she just misses my attention and will find someone who can deal with her. She started saying that tonight she went to express and ordered a sweater for me, she bought me a teapot I wanted at walmart and she was wanting to change. I told her that I have given this a lot of thought and I don't think she will change. I also told her that if she is trying to hold this because I initiated it, she can tell her friends that she broke up with me. Well, she pleaded me for a second chance and made up her mind that she wants to be with me before I called. Well, I agreed. I figured I would be suffering without her right now and I am willing to waste a few weeks of my time even if there is a 1% chance of saving this.
However, I think I have a different outlook on it now and do not have the expectations that I would have. So if it does not work out in the next few weeks or so, its really not meant to be and I think I can go on living without her with complete satisfaction that I held on to this until the very last strand and then let it go. Don't really care if she later tells me she wants to let it go, I am not much into holding up that macho factor, whatever makes her feel better about herself. You guys think you would have done what I did in my situation? If I made a mistake so be it, at least it will be a lesson.

I'm not tryign too sound smartassed here, but it seems as soon as you said that she said everything she could to get her claws back in,

But as you said if it's a mistake it will be a lesson,

Good luck mate.

Okay, to me it sounds like you are playing games! There is too much game playing and drama in this 'relationship.'

In the span of a half hr. even less, because you posted here, thought about what you were going to do, called her, had this conversation, and then posted here again, with a totally different game plan.

First you lied, and told her you were going to go to Florida. What kind of a game was that? If you don't have honestly, you may as well just walk away now! It's another game you played, just like when you kissed the other girl.

Then in the span of a half hr. you said you "would be willing to waste a few weeks of my time" if there is even a 1% chance of saving this! Then you say "don't really care if later she tells me she wants to let it go." Which is it buddy?

I am starting to think that the reason why this girl broke up with you, is because you are very wishy washy. You are confusing her! One minute you say you want one thing, and the next you want another! It confuses ME, and I don't even know you!

Unless you are willing to be completely honest with yourself, and with her, this relationship doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell.

I'm not saying this to insult you, or make you mad, but you mentioned the word "Macho." I get the sense that it actually does have a lot to do with that. She broke up with you. You want her back. She wants to come back, but you are putting up roadblocks, and not being honest! Just the fact that you mentioned that she "can" tell her friends that "she" broke up with you again, tells me that this has more to do with your ego, than it does to do with her happiness!

I get the sense that you are the one that is high maintanence, and not her so much, which likely lead to your initial break-up. We mentioned communication earlier. We meant honest communication, which also means you need to be honest with yourself! If you don't have TRUST in a relationship, you have nothing... zero, zip, zilch! If you lie and play games, like in the Florida "story", and then giving her and yourself a couple weeks to make a decision, you are shooting yourself in the foot! It WILL backfire on you.

Dude, I can tell you right now that I can relate to this to some degree. I wish I had seen this a little earlier because it appears as if you've already started reacting sporadically to the stress and pain of the situation. This flurry you just had with your ex will be one of many of you two keep doing the things you are. It could be because of immaturity and will happen inevitably, or it could be because you are not being clear and honest with each other about how you feel and what you want. From the beginning I would've said she wanted you to be there but mightve met some new people or felt a desire to experience some things that were a little more taboo (outside of your relationship). Sounds to me like she might've been doing that. I probably wouldve asked her why she lied and talked about it with her.

The whole finals crap is stupid, unless she always acted like that, the chances are its not just about grades. Sounds to me like she may have been considering taking a step away from the relationship to see what it feels like, which tells me one thing about you guys as a couple. Either, you're way too close all the time, or, you aren't in love but you like the idea of it. Towards the end you made a series of not very well-thought-out moves to determine her feelings, but I don't think you were prepared to do half the things you acted as if you were, nor do I think you were prepared to give this up in the slightest.

However, I do not know your relationship with her. All I can say is, I wish you hadn't dove back in so quick, I think she realized you might be slipping away and grabbed you as quickly as she could. Chances are she's not going to stop whatever she's doing, she's just going to find another way of doing it... or... it'll wait a while, and then come back out the same way it did now. If you're going to stay with her id seriously consider not allowing yourself to be too attatched because I don't think you or her have any idea where this relationship is going, you are acting based on a feeling or a multitude. Relationships are about communication, trust, respect, love etc. not attachment or telling each other you love them in a cute way. Make sure you really think about what's going on dude, don't be a fool, don't go overboard, but don't get played and don't play her. All that you will get is some pretty crucial pain in the end if you do. Take my advice, been there, done that... twice! 2 years a piece, sucks. Im still getting over one now, and believe me, it couldve gone on, I just finally realized to accept the things in the back of my mind that I knew were true and step away from the safety blanket. Good luck to you my friend, and please, if you ever want to talk about it I'm more than down, I check this about every day.

Grayfox. Please, for the sanity of the others, use paragraphs when writing such a long response. It really is too hard to read. I don't even know if you gave good advice, because it gave me a headache! :)

Good reply grayfox.

Seems like the moment you decided to end it, she hadn't quite made up her mind and would rather think about it with you still around as safety than alone, with a much bigger chance of losing you.

The problem is that now you are back together but you have no clue where you stand with her, you just know she had major issues but no idea where she is going with them or where they came from. Aka they can come back at any given time out of the blue. Because of this You will probably be on guard all the time / and more controlling than normal. This will eventually cause her to lose interest/become annoyed and consequently lead to the break up.

Your welcome.

First of all, starbuck, as much as it hurt me to read (and reread) your response, you made some very valid points that I really needed pointed out. At first, I know I have been playing games all along and I need to stop. I should not have done that. You got it right, this was not the only occurrence where I have done that but more of a habit that I have somehow developed without consciously recognizing this. I will work on this. On the other hand, I think I will disagree with you on one of the points you made. I do not think I am very high maintenance, I really did not ask for much from her except her love and as long as I felt it, I wouldn't need her calling me all the time or anything like that.

One of the reasons I did not feel confident following through with what a few people said earlier such as completely break off with her and forget her is because I did not feel like they fully knew the relationship that I have with her. I tried as much as possible not to be one sided and explain mistakes that both of us have made. Although I agree that most relationships have things in common, there are things that make each one unique. As a couple, we have always been different from all the other ones and we would notice and enjoy that fact. We never became happy by just going to movies or having those dinner dates, no matter what we did together, we would be happy. Before we started dating (1.5 years), we knew each other as good friends for 3 years.

Last night was the first night in a while that I actually slept pretty good without staying awake thinking about these things. She told her friends last night that we are back together and that she can't be without me. I even had to give some relationship advice to her friend... making me laugh now that I think about it. When we got together 3 weeks back for that one week, I think we rushed it. It has been some time since and I hope that whatever still needs to be worked out in our minds will be worked out together. Today she has been great and by that I mean she hasn't been all cute and stuff, but it almost felt like she needed me and to some extent I feel things are becoming a bit more mutual. I do not want to jump to conclusions that everything is going to be great from now on, but my hopes that are that we can work this out, together. When I see her on thurs/fri, I want to make it clear to her that although things may seem good, we need to be clear and honest with each other about all of our feelings if we want to be happy together. Thanks for everything you have told me, I was just thinking earlier how amazing it is to have the internet nowadays and people like you to give this advice. Although I have good expectations for this relationship, if we cannot work it out together with her at this point on, as I said, then its just not meant to happen. I will work on myself as well and post back some updates to tell you guys how things are going. Now time to study for finals.

I'm glad you took what I said, in the context it was meant to be. I guess sometime we have to be a little cruel to be kind, if you know what I mean.

I wish you all the best, and hope you can work it out. No more game playing okay? ;)

Make sure you know what you want from this relationship and that it is realistic. Only you know the truth about you two and what is a reasonable expectation for the future. If you don't truly believe that it's a damn good possibility, you are wasting your time and prolonging pain.

Well today went pretty good, she has called me and seemed to be a lot more caring. I've been happy most of the day, with one exception. She asked me an hour ago if she can go to Atlanta for New Years with her friends to see the peach drop. She asked me that because she knows that I cannot go and told her so last year and this year since I always spend that time with my family and cannot miss it. Both this year and last year she said that this has been something she has really wanted to do. Of course, atlanta would imply her going to clubs, drinking , etc. Last year I told her she can go, although she didn't end up going in the end because her friends canceled plans. I recall her telling me last year that she hated sitting at home on new years and always wanted to do something.

This year as expected it would be a bit more bothersome due to what happened, I know for a fact that she does not handle alcohol well at all. She will start drinking and keep drinking until somebody forcefully stops her, I have seen it before both where the person stopping her was me and where it wasn't, both successfully and unsuccessfully. Through the summer she was out of the country, but I knew that she loved me 100% at that point and did not doubt her for a second when she went out to bars and clubs. She always told me that she just goes to have fun and pushes guys off if they come, which I believe is what most girls tend to do at clubs. From what I hear from other girls, they mostly go to clubs and such go hang out and have fun, not go for guys. I highly doubt she would do anything with a guy, but one of my concerns is that I am not there with her and not there to make those memories together. I told her its totally fine, asked about the friends she is going with, who are girls, maybe there will be one or two guys. Did I do the right thing? I did not want to appear controlling on her, I guess I also very worried about her getting out of control than anything else. Her drinking has been a concern of mine for a while, she gets drunk easily. Sometimes she will start casually, but even a single shot or mix drink messes her up and she will try to go for more and more. She does not do it too often, perhaps but in the last 5 months I know she's been drunk like that about 3 or 4 times. Drinking appears to be the way that she handles stress and finds relief. We talked about it but every time after that first drink she forgets the boundaries that she set before that. I haven't seen or heard of her doing anything wrong with another guy while she is drunk or even trying to go for another guy, that is why I am not concerned about that. Only thing is, if I am not there, I know some guy will be taking care of her when this happens... that thought bothers me. Should I tell her that?

Btw, thanks Grayfox for the good recommendations earlier.

Dude, you should definitely tell her how you feel. If you aren't comfortable with her drinking, remind her how she reacts, remind her of the consequences should she drink too much and make mistakes, refer to the past. Hopefully she will be able to guarantee you that she will not drink much or that she will avoid it. You know her, I don't. If it were my girlfriend, id want to know who she was going with and if I could trust them to be careful and make good decisions. If all the boxes check, then I don't see why not. As long as they're trustworthy, careful friends who will be there to help and take care of her, should she accidentally go overboard. Remember man, I know things are peachy right now, but I still feel like you took the easy way out and those issues are going to come up again, you're taking cautious steps to avoid problems, but you also initiated a little honeymoon period kind of deal when you got back together, and when that fades make sure you're still working to fix your problems in the relationship. Something I learned from being on this site is to only worry about the things you can control. If you trust her then you trust her. If she screws you over, all you can say is that you did the best you could and the problem then is hers. Be honest, just don't be overbearing about it.

Yeah man, I just told her exactly how I felt, wasn't even specifically referring to her trip. She said she will not do that again and will be much more careful about drinking, she said that it is her new years resolution. So that should be good, I've seen her hold her liquor before, so I know it is possible. People buying her drinks and giving them to her one after another is what usually gets her drinking since she isn't 21 yet.

Well then, good luck with everything, sounds like you've got it worked out to your liking.

Well today went pretty good, I still thought a lot mostly about what I wanted to say to her when I see her about us being more honest with one another and that our happiness and excitement together may have masked the lack of truthful communication that we need to work on if we want to stay together. I initially had plans to see her on Thursday after getting done with finals, she mentioned though that her girl friends might be planning a night out to celebrate the end of the school year. Of course I am not going to keep her from that so I did not mention anything about her not wanting to see me or anything like that. I hope she will want to see me on Friday and we can finally talk in person about things. Again, I think I will try not to direct attention on that, if she has the desire to see me and misses me, she will do so on her own without my reminders. Also we were planning to go on a winter trip for a couple days next week, but she said her relatives may be coming and her mom may not let her go. So, I did not push that either, I want to let her decide things and watch in what direction her decisions flow.

Whatever you are doing is absolutely right. But be prepared for a much greater shock then all the shocks you have mentioned.

I want to let her decide things and watch in what direction her decisions flow.

Why can't you make a decision for yourself, without her influence?

Well talaniman, I decided a couple days ago that I have a very strong desire to work on our relationship and make each other happy in the long run. Now I want to see if she is willing to do the same together and that is her decision.
I recognize that things will not go back to what they were a year ago with us where the initial rush of the relationship covered up our faults. But neither do I want them to, I want a partner in life with whom we can work out things like this, since I am fairly confident they come with every relationship and in some unfortunate cases do not surface before marriage.

Ill tell you what you're doing right now, the same thing a lot of people do on this site. You're asking advice then not really taking it. You already know what you want and that is this relationship regardless of what the circumstances are. Sure, obviously you'd like it to go the best way it can and if its ever going to end you want it to "end well". The sad thing is, that rarely happens. I don't know if now is the best time for you to be thinking about a partner, but I understand your desire to work things out with one when you have one. However, make sure you are getting what you want out of this as well, it needs to be mutual. Otherwise you are only settling to fill the void in your life that would exist should your relationship not be there. All I'm saying is that it sounds like things were going one way, then you guys rushed back in real quick before you could really get a good look at what was going on. Now nothing is really fixed, although you're being careful. Just look at the relationship realistically and don't lie to yourself to be temporarily happy, the pain you'll go through later isn't worth it. Handle these things now and if they can't be handled then do the right thing, the hard thing. Pushing something that isn't right because of attachment really won't make you happier in the long run, its up to you to decide whether its right or wrong, just be honest. Make sure you're getting what you want too!

Yeah Grayfox and talaniman, I do not want to be foolish and not take the advice of those who have gone through this before. So you guys think that there is no way that we will work this out and I am wasting my time?

This girl made me very happy in the past and I believe that if we work this out, we can be even happier. Am I fooling myself when thinking all this?

It also feels like by ending it, I am taking an easy route out by trying to keep myself from being hurt and always wondering what could have been...

Whoa whoa. Im not saying you should end it man, just be honest with yourself. You know what feelings you have. Make sure you aren't justifying staying together or working on something simply out of attachment. I felt the same way about my ex, even now part of me wants to work it out over winter break, but I know that's not for my best. You have to reach deep inside yourself and determine if you have feelings that you're putting aside that you know you should face, such as knowing that its wrong, or knowing that you deserve better, whatever it may be. Don't waste your time on something if you know the outcome is ultimately going to be the ending of a relationship. That's for you to determine, but from what you've said so far, I think you have mixed feelings and those need to be worked out beyond a reasonable doubt before you let yourself get attached again. Right now you're being cautious, that's good, but is there something you know that you aren't facing?

I don't feel like by ending it you are taking the easy route at all, that's the hard route. Not ending it, and allowing yourself to live in a comfortable situation (even if its wrong) is the easy route. Don't get walked on, make sure you're getting something you want out of this. Don't continue if you know its wrong, because then it doesn't matter what could've been... it won't be as good as what will be if you do the right thing. Take your time, communicate, face the truth. Then decide if staying together will have more benefits then breaking up(in the long run). You can make something good out of just about every bad relationship (a learning experience) but you may wish you hadn't wasted so much time on something you knew would fail ultimately. Just a thought.

OK man, I see what you were saying earlier. I think some time here is the key for me right now as you said along with honest communication between me and her. That is a difficult point also at times like this because we live two hours apart.

I generally have very optimistic views in life, whether it is regarding my career, relationships or anything else, that is why I do not feel like it will be wasting time regardless. I am only 20, I think I have a solid career in engineering ahead of me, so I have plenty of things to fill my time with and do not necessarily think I am doing this because of the gap, but time will tell...

Again, I don't know how to thank you guys for the suggestions, I am just very grateful. I'll keep posting updates.

Being honest with yourself, means telling her your not going to be in limbo while she thinks about it, and you two still date like you are together. Your not.

Where's the healing to get some reality?? Nope your going along, I think, because you want her back officially, and your afraid she will forget you, and move on leaving you alone.

Not trying to be harsh, but working together is not about waiting for her to want to be there, its about being there, and leaving these silly pity pat I see you, can you see me, games alone.

For one, no ex partner gets to have you when its convenient, after they dump you. Sorry guy, there just ain't that much love in the world.

Yea Jake, just please make sure you are looking at this whole thing objectively. I am also 20, and I've been through 2 back-to-back 2 year relationships. Both of which have brought me to this site to hear what I needed to hear. I think the thing that helps me the most after all the different advice (which seems to all be pointing in the same direction in the end) is reading other people's stories and realizing, either, mine isn't so bad, or there are people who have had the same kinds of situations. It helps me to feel like I'm not alone and that the grass is greener on the other side. After a while of just talking, reading, and doing my own thing, the relationship begins to fade from my life. I would encourage you to do the same thing. You're actively seeking advice, but reading others' stories might be helpful as well. This site has a lot to teach, and plenty of people who have been there before you and been there in worse ways and I feel like those experiences are what cause them to want to help others and try to prevent those same situations if they are able. I know that's why I'm here. To learn and to help, in any way I can.

YOu are trying to make a fool of everyone here.
Are you enjoying this?

Satswid, if you are referring to the fact that I disagreed with a few comments that others made, I believe I provided truthful justification as to why I felt otherwise and have thought deeply about the words of every person on this thread. I am not on this site for others to tell me what to do. I am here to listen to their experiences have been and take their advice so I can understand better both myself and my current relationship.

Hi guys, well today has been good, been studying, she has been calling me pretty often, but acting more normal than cute, not sure if that makes sense. She is going to study with a few friends from school for the final and she said one of the guys (same guy she studied with the other night) said that he is not going to see her anymore because the semester is ending and asked what if he asked her out a few months from now, would she says yes. I had a slight pause, then asked her what she said. She said, "yes of course i said yes." Another pause. She says, "we were just joking around, come on i took it as a joke and I am sure he did to. He knows me and you are dating." Do you guys think that was just a test to see my reaction because that is how I felt. She would do things like that before in our relationship as well, I would always wonder if they were true later on or she is playing games. I recall not paying attention to them a few times, that would make her say "Do you even care about me?" She has always been fairly attention demanding, oftentimes however, I really like that quality, but at times like this I do not. I haven't had that serious talk to her yet, hoping to have it when I see her in a day or two, we need to eliminate those games on both sides.

Dude... thats weird. Its possible it was a test, then again, it could be the truth and she wanted to be honest to see your reaction but then call it a joke so that she could still be in the safe zone. I wouldn't take that to be honest man. Id tell her that crap has to stop now, and ask the truth about that situation. Attention demanding to a certain degree is harmless, but it sounds to me like she's taking it too far and is hurting the relationship. You need to be really careful with this one man. You need a heart to heart where you clear everything up that's on your mind. Don't settle! And don't deal with games that shouldn't exist in a relationship, its only going to bring it and you down.

Yeah, hmm... I don't want to tell her these serious things on the phone either. She was like, "why arent you laughing? guess you dont find it funny, but i did" The same thing has been happening a number of times before, her phrasing was also identical to previous times in response to my reaction. She is very talkative though and sometimes flirty without recognizing it, so guys would always fall for her easily.

Well dude, its up to you to decide whether you're OK with that. I doubt you'd be mentioning it if you fully were. You really need to talk to her about it if it bothers you, you have that right. A lot of girls can be flirty, but flirty without realizing it? Come on... dude, girls aren't stupid. Its one thing to be nice to everyone, its another thing to be flirty. Face the music dude. It sounds like your girl wants to expand her horizons a bit, and she's easing the idea into your mind by mentioning other guys and going places with friends etc. Yet she doesn't want to lose you because you're the comfortable setting she's become so used to. Chances are she'll expand her horizons without letting you know, or she'll finally be the one to break it off and do it anyway. Talk about why she's been mentioning this stuff with her. Get a solution that is mutually satisfactory, as you don't deserve to take the short end of the stick.

Well, I ended up talking to her tonight on the phone about the things that I was going to tell her. I told her pretty much everything that I was feeling, she said that she has been very truthful with me about her actions, but she will also stop playing the games. She said that her friend really did say what he said today and she was telling me in the way that she was in order to see if it still makes me jealous. She also said that it makes her happy when other guys find her sexy sometimes and she wants to share that feeling with me, although she does not feel anything for them. I told her I do not mind her telling me at all when they do try to hit on her, but I just do not want her positioning it in a deceptive manner.

I mentioned that I am not very happy with her going out partying all the time as well. In response to that she said that we have very different definitions of partying and clubbing, for her it just involves having a drink and sitting around talking to her friends. She typically goes out to have fun with a single group of friends that she always hangs out with, some of them are guys and some are girls. She said that they are just friends that she likes hanging out with and that's all. Of course, I have nothing against her hanging out with friends, so I will let her do that as much as she wants to. She said that we will have plenty of time to settle down and have a serious life together later on, but right now she wants to have fun, but stated that the fun she is having was not meant to hurt her relationship with me.

Soo, after talking to her, I think I need to take it a bit easier. She said that I may be over analyzing things and maybe she is right, but whether I did or not, this lead me to being straightforward with her, I am glad about that. The serious conversation ended with her saying that she wants to work on it together. Thus, I hope that we both live up to our words with actions.

So are you back together, or are you just friends??

Well that conversation sounded pretty good. Its nice to see you putting everything on the table. However, I don't think you were being over-analytical at all, and I don't think you should feel that way either. It was pretty cut and dry, some guy basically said he wanted to ask her out later and she told you that she said yes to him? That shouldn't fly, and you have a right to be upset about that. Its good that she told you the truth about the whole thing. As for liking when guys think she sexy, I mean, I'm not a girl... but I guess that's a normal thing to some degree... however, I know plenty of girls who don't care what other guys think, they are only interested in looking "sexy" for who they are with. So I guess it just depends on your relationship. At least she admits that she wants to have fun, the only thing is, sometimes that kind of fun can lead to pain for the person you're with, especially if something gets out of hand. Just make sure you're truly comfortable with all this and doing your own thing as well, got to be a two way street. If she feels like she doesn't have to worry about you while she goes off and does whatever she wants... then you're getting walked on. I don't like the idea of having someone while you do whatever you want to, that to me is just wrong, but if you trust her, then that's all that matters. Just keep your eyes open through this.

Yeah, we are back together. She actually called me a few times after last night as well and we talked some more. I explained to her that if we play games or lie to one another even about the smallest things, it does not matter if the other person finds out or not, it will still hurt both of us more in the long run. She agreed with that. We also talked about the fact that last year we have put all of our time to be with each other, pretty much ignoring our friends and family. That is true, last year I probably hung out with my friends without her maybe two or three times the whole year and barely was home to be with my family. I think she might have gotten me so used to that (dependent on her), that I kept trying to go back to that same stage. Now that she mentioned that she has been trying to balance things out, I probably should also work on having some balance in life. Does that sound reasonable? So, I am still going to be cautious, yet put my complete effort to work this out and trust her.

Well do what you got to do, but remember, she broke up with you originally for a reason. If I were you id try to figure out what that reason is and see if you can remedy it, whether it be with your or her. Give her what she needs, fix what you need to.

Keeping a balanced life is important in any relationship. Everyone has to have room to grow.

Hi guys, just thought I'd give you an update on how things are going. We have seen each other yesterday, as well as today and I am satisfied with the way things went. Although we have been joking around and stuff about 95% of the time, we had some serious talks as well. talaniman, I have mentioned the quote to her, "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs." That lead us to quite a few discussions about future and why things were not working out before.

She is out with friends right now, but I am happy for her, even though a bit worried, hopefully she will be OK. Something else weird that I realized about myself is that when she is out with friends like that, I almost feel a bit jealous that she is having fun and I am here pointing my face at the mechanics of materials book, weird feeling huh? Not that I want to be going out right now anyway.. I don't fit into her company of friends most of the time either, the time she invited me along a couple months back, I pretty much spent the whole evening with her, which I guess kind of defeated the purpose of going out with her friends to begin with. Its just that once she is with them, she won't even call me, most likely until next morning. Its almost 11pm and she didn't pick up the phone when I called her 10 min ago, I won't call again. Is that typical with girls when they are on nights out with friends not to answer bfs calls? I don't think I am really OK with that, because I worry about her a lot, so I guess that's another thing I need to talk to her about. I trust her and am not worried about other guys or anything, just worried for her to be OK. I am going to start getting back on track on going to the gym again since I haven't been doing that for the last month. Otherwise, we will keep working on things that bothered us before, oddly enough it seems like much of that comes from my side and she hasn't really told me anything I should improve on now. I am fairly confident in this relationship as long as we keep things balanced and both of us have the desire to make it work. I know I am worried right now, but I guess you just have to worry sometimes about those you love. Am I taking the right approach to this?

Nothing wrong with being worried, its what you do about it that causes the problems. Projecting your fears unto others will surely make you a pain in the a$$, and lets be real, you can't keep tabs on people, but you can appreciate when they come home.

Me and my girlfriend, who is from India, have been dating for about a year and a half. We really love each other, but since I am white and she is Indian we both decided not to introduce one another to the parents until we really know that we have a stable relationship over time. I am 20 years old and she is 19. Her parents are not the kind who would plan arranged marriages, but I still am not sure how they would take it down the road. They don't want her dating anybody right now and focus on school, which makes sense. She does not think they will be really freaked out by the fact that I am not indian, may be just a little unhappy, but she thinks they will accept me fine. We are not planning to marry yet or anything, but I am just looking down the road since that may happen in a few years and I don't want to waste time with something that will backfire in the end.
Well here it is:
My mom on the other hand is the problem since she knows that I am dating that girl, although I never brought her home to meet her. She mentions her sometimes, but every time she does it hurts me. Today she said, "so what are you going to do with that indian girl? Are you really thinking about marrying her down the road? I am not sure what is better for you to be happy [also implying that she is a nice girl] or for our family to suffer when you have kids [implying that kids will not be white]." I know its somewhat racist, but our family is pretty traditional in that regard. Since its been a year and half, I am thinking of maybe bringing her home and introducing her to my mom hoping that she will like her? Is that a good idea or should I hold off until down the road? I don't know what to do.

This is something you talk about openly with your partner.

I agree. You need to discuss this with your partner! I would hope that you follow your heart and do what is best for. My best friend is in a similar situation, but his parents accept his indian girlfriend but her parents do not accept him because he is black and christian. She decided that the best thing for her was to leave her parents and never turn back. I def think that we all need family so you two need to discuss the situation openly and honestly.

Your mom's statements are in my opinion racist, and I'm sorry that she isn't more supportive of you. I think she means well, it's a natural instinct to fear those that don't look like us, but hope in time she may be enlightened. Both you and your girlfriend may have a hard road ahead of you, but if you love each other you will make it work.

By the way, I recommend watching 'The Namesake' if you haven't already seen it -- the film deals with issues exactly like what you describe. Watch it with mom.

If you think your mother would be rude to your girl than I would avoid any meeting.She should not have to be exposed to anything negative simply because of her ethnic background.

I think you need to talk to your family and express your feelings about their bigotry and explain that this is the person you want to be with.And you will be regardless of their blessing.

Prejudice is usually born from ignorance.And ignorance creates fear.What people do not understand they fear. Perhaps if they understood more about your girl and her culture they could accept her as she is... another human being with the same wants and needs as all of us!

Often parents have to make a choice.. hold on to their prejudice or lose their child.

Indian people have a beautiful culture and are very respectful of others so I would not insult her by bringing her in into an environment where she may be insulted.

Get a dialogue going with your family about this and help them to see the error of their ways(kindly) without being accusatory.

Its hard for some people to change the way they were raised.

Good luck!

Yeah I told her about this right after that talk with my mom. She was pretty upset of course, especially since she's been wanting to meet my mom soon. Haha, don't think she is so pumped up about that anymore. Guess I'll hold off on introducing them, in the meantime just watch that movie.

Btw. talaniman, thanks for your responses on the other thread, helped a lot.

Yeah i told her about this right after that talk with my mom. She was pretty upset of course, especially since she's been wanting to meet my mom soon. Haha, dont think she is so pumped up about that anymore. Guess I'll hold off on introducing them, in the meantime just watch that movie.

Btw. talaniman, thanks for your responses on the other thread, helped a lot.

I am pretty sure her parents are going to have a problem with her dating you ,especially if you two want to get married.Indian parents usually want their children( especially their daughters) to get married within their own race.

Good Luck

I think your mom has a prejudice over indians. Try and get her to think outside the box. How does you family react with asians, blacks and latinos? Is this only a problem with your girl friend or this sort of thing happens with any other cultures?

Coz lets face it, if your girl was white, I'm not sure how much of taunting you would get from your mom...

Lastly, don't give up on your girl.

Well, its been about 5 months since I posted here and its now been a year and a half that me and my girlfriend have been dating. For the last few weeks, she hasn't been answering my calls a lot and couldn't see me. She has been saying that she is very busy with school and that's all. Yesterday I had a serious conversation with her and asked her what is going on. She told me that for the last few days, she has been having feelings for another guy, that she has been talking to as friends for about a month in her class. She wasn't sure what those feelings were and said she still loves me. She kept saying I do not deserve her. She said that guy does not have her number, all they did was talk at school, she said he has a great personality and looks and all. Anyway, the problem is, the same thing happened to us about 5 months ago with a different guy, about whom she didn't tell me for over a month. It ended with her telling me and cutting things off with the other guy. Prior to that old incident however, I did not treat her very well a lot of times and often did not give her the attention she deserved, so I figured it was partially my fault. Now, I am very confused, because our relationship has been great for the last several months and now this happens. I told her to do whatever she wants and I am not holding her back from anything. How should I be reacting about this? Is this normal for couples to have those feelings once in a while, that go away or are we just prolonging the inevitable?

Ask yourself how much you love her? Do you love her enough to realize that she might not be that happy with you and that you have to let her go? Or do you love her in a way where she has to be with you to make you happy, regardless of how she feels?

How do you know she won't find another guy to be attracted to 5 months later? And then again and again.

I think it's time to let her go and move on.

I agree. By saying " I have feelings for another guy, but still love you" is like saying " Why don't you just sit on the back burner till I get it figured out if this one wants me". Sorry to sound so brash, but that is what it kind of sounds like to me. By her stringing you along, you could be missing out on meeting someone that could bring you a healthy relationship without all the drama. Maybe its just time to call it "game over". Just to add a little humor, the best way to get over an old girlfriend is to get under a new one. Best of luck you.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

Since you feel compelled to blame yourself for her straying ways instead of laying the responsibility on her ,where it truly lies,she will most likely always be on the look-out.

The fact that she told you this guy has a great personality and is good looking is a red flag!

She is being disrespectful and if you continue with her,expect more of the same.

In answer to your last question,yes,I do think you are prolonging the inevitable.

This is so hard, because I love her so much. Yesterday she barely called me at all and did not return my call either. However, I saw her log into Facebook for a bit. I know she takes studies extremely seriously and she is studying almost nonstop right now, but I don't understand how she can't find a minute to give me a call or even text me. The other guy is out of the picture, I told her its fine whatever she felt, everybody has doubts once in a while and she told me right away, so I am glad that she did that. I told her that I've felt that way before it does not mean anything.
So today I called her, asked her why she never called me back, she said she was very tired and fell asleep. She says she's been extremely stressed with the exams and even threw up last night. I told her that I think we should end it, of course she started crying and begging me to just go through this until exams are over because she is not thinking straight right now. In the middle of the conversation on the phone, she said she had to go throw up again. She says she loves me so much and she knows she has been acting bad and kept saying she is sorry. I don't know what to say to her. I know she is extremely stressed out from school and all, that is what happened last semester too. Ahh, I don't know, I keep going back and forth too because she is like this. Since I live 2 hours away from her, its hard to tell the extent to which she is stressed right now or whether she is just saying it to keep me from breaking it off. Whenever I try to break off with her, it almost feels as if I am punishing a person for being in a temporary condition that they are in involuntary at the moment (stress) and start feeling so guilty myself for not bearing through it. Ah..

First off, you need to back off. She does not need additional pressure from you. She's in her exam period so leave her alone while she studies. At least wait until she's done with her exams before having the "us" conversation.

While she's busy with school, you can spend this time figuring out your feelings for her.

Just leave each other alone until the time is right to talk again.

Yes, be patient. You can't rush these things, it will just give her unnecessary added stress and pressure. You don't want her to do badly in school because of your forceful behavior right?

Just be supportive. Wish her luck in her exams and assure her that she can do it. Tell her to keep up the hard work, etc. And then back off her let her do her thing and you work on yourself.

Learn patience and restraint.

Sorry to sound harsh.

Yes, be patient. You can't rush these things, it will just give her unnecessary added stress and pressure. You don't want her to do badly in school because of your forceful behavior right?

Just be supportive. Wish her luck in her exams and assure her that she can do it. Tell her to keep up the hard work, etc. And then back off her let her do her thing and you work on yourself.

Learn patience and restraint.

Sorry to sound harsh.

This is so true. These things can't be rushed, especially if she is in the middle of exams. Give it time. Anything can be said in the heat of the moment, but time tells the real story. My best to both of you.

I don't why you keep letting yourself go through emotional hurricane. She did this to you before and doing it again.

She sounds very selfish and she shouldn't be in a committed relationship right now especially since she doesn't know how to control her actions when a cute guy comes her way.

Since she wants to be free then let her and move on. Hopefully you meet someone better in the future that wants you and only you. I mean I am in a committed relationship and human, I find guys attracted but when I reflect on what me and my fiancé have I know I don't want to throw what we have and work so hard on away.

Well guys just to give an update, today I broke up with her. She told me she was driving to walmart to meet up with her mom, she didn't call me for a long time. I logged into her Facebook and noticed a conversation between her and her friend(guy, different guy then above), he was asking her to come hang out with him and friends. Anyway, I realized that she lied to me, I called her house, her mom said she is at university (her usual excuse). Eventually, she called back at 12 at night and said she is going to cvs to get some medication for her dad. She kept lying about stuff. I asked her why she is lying and she kept acting as if there's nothing she is lying about. I told her that I know she wasn't at home because I called her friend. She said OK I lied to you because I was afraid you would get mad, but we just went to hang out for a few minutes and then I left and been at home since. I proceeded to tell her that I know she wasn't at home for a fact, when she admitted to that as well and said she's been with them. I told her that I'll come to see her since she was driving home and she said she is already turning into her neighboorhood already. That was a consecutive lie number 3 since she was parked at a gas station crying and the guy that was hanging out with was parked beside her, supposedly to "pick up his phone charger", which most likely like number 4 that I did not bother investigating. I told her I hope she realizes what she ruined and since this is not the first time she lied to me in similar manner, I told her that I hope she changes her habits if she ever wants to be with a guy who loves her. So that's the end of the story, now I feel like crap but feel relieved at the same time. Sorry for the complete lack of punctuation, I don't normally write like this.

Good on you Jake.
You are much better for it being away from a lying cheat :)

This was pretty much a sleepless night for me, kind of makes me wonder how she slept knowing she caused all this. I would have great difficulty living with myself knowing that you have been given several second chances several times already after she lied in the past, and of course yesterday, she begged me to give her another chance. I think she still loves me, but her personality filled with lies is something I cannot endure anymore. Only so many second chances I could give her. After not seeing her for several weeks, I so badly wanted to meet her last night, she said she can't because she is sick and her mom won't let her out. I am pretty sure she hasn't cheated on me, its just plain lies. Just hurts me how a person I've been with for so long and loved so much can do this and keep repeating how much she loves me. Yesterday she begged me not do this, she kept saying how sorry she was, but I could see no other route. Now it sucks for me too, I don't have a girlfriend and probably going to be somewhat lonely...

Sure she loves you in her own warped sense of what love is AND you need to keep in mind that she loves the attention of other guys more than she loves you. Don't fall for the begging. Some people seem to just have lying and cheating in their blood. Very likely she will take your going back with her as a sign of naïve and vulnerable so she will think she can pull anything over on you.

Being alone can be good. Use it to your advantage by getting involved in activities, hobbies, sports. Live life and someone will eventually come along.

Okay, you don't have girlfriend but in reality you didn't need her as a girlfriend either. Sometimes your better off being alone even though you might see it now.

Sometimes people don't have the thing we called a conscience. However, even though you might not want to, you need to forgive her because while your only sleepness nights, she isn't. While your unhappy, she is happy and moving on with her life. When you forgive her your be letting go of the hurt, anger, frustration she cause and a sign that your ready to let go.

you need to forgive her because while your only sleepness nights, she isn't. While your unhappy, she is happy and moving on with her life. When you forgive her your be letting go of the hurt, anger, frustration she cause and a sign that your ready to let go.

Exactly what I tell people that have (unforgiving) hurts. They do more harm to themselves physically and mentally holding themselves back while the one they are upset about is living, laughing, having a good time and getting a good night sleep.
The best thing to do is move on and have a life. When people see you are down and out they feel glad they got away from you. When they see you are getting on with your life and enjoying it they see what they missed out on. So in a sense making a life for yourself is the best medicine.

Yeah, you think I should ask her if she is feeling allright on Facebook? She has never cheated on me, she just lies. I am not even so much mad as I am upset and I still love her so much. I told her never to call me again yesterday and that we shouldn't be friends because talking to her will be a constant reminder. She is seriously the best thing that's happened to me so far in life (I am 21), somewhere in my mind I keep wanting to get back with her, keep wanting for things to work like they worked before, remember us being so happy with one another... but then I remember that if I did not notice her conversation with that guy yesterday on Facebook, she would have acted normally with me the next day and loved me as if nothing had happened. I hope she rethinks her lying behavior after some time alone, but who knows, maybe by that time I will be over her and I won't even want to be with her. Right now, there is not even a slight chance that I would give in to be with her anytime soon, I am probably as unhappy alone as I was for the past week or two with her.

Well, its been almost a week and I can pretty much say I have no grudges against her anymore, my period of being mad is over. She has been acting very immature lately about all this, simply trying to get back with me again. She did not even think things through. I told her yesterday that reminding me of all the memories and being persistent isn't going to make me go back to her. Told her she needs to focus on changing herself and recognize why she does the things she does instead of blindly trying to return things to normal because same things will occur again. I really miss her right now for some reason, we still talk just as friends.

Way to stand strong man. If she's not the girl that you want, then don't force yourself to be with her.

Maybe being friends is the best situation for the two of you. You can help her out from a distance without having emotional attachments. But make sure that you are over her before you try to be friends. Or else you are just jumping into another roller-coaster of emotional turmoil.

I really miss her right now for some reason, we still talk just as friends.
What you are doing with the *friend* mode is just another way of holding on.

At this point when you are still so emotionally attached,friends is a game you are playing.

You are too invested to be friends right now.

Give it time and than maybe you can be friends.Now,it is just you still putting off the inevitable.

yeah I realize that I still have a lot of emotional bonds for her. Unfortunately, I do not know how to handle this. Past week, she has been calling me and leaving voicemails all the time, she has been telling me what she did during the day on IM, and so on, I haven't responded to her. At that time I was very mad at her and her voicemails would make me even madder.
I called her back yesterday to explain to her what I said above. She talks to me differently since yesterday, not in a way where she is trying to get me back, but just casual talks about random things. She asked me yesterday that she realizes she needs to work on things within her and think about them and asked me if I can be there to help her sometimes. I feel almost immature on my side to start ignoring her right now, trying to pretend that it will make me forget her. The thing is, even if I do ignore her, I will still get her messages and her calls most likely, so it would still remind me of her. So I am in a little bit of a loop here and don't know how to deal with it other than the way it is right now.

yeah i realize that i still have a lot of emotional bonds for her. Unfortunately, i do not know how to handle this. Past week, she has been calling me and leaving voicemails all the time, she has been telling me what she did during the day on IM, and so on, i havent responded to her. At that time i was very mad at her and her voicemails would make me even madder.
I called her back yesterday to explain to her what i said above. She talks to me differently since yesterday, not in a way where she is trying to get me back, but just casual talks about random things. She asked me yesterday that she realizes she needs to work on things within her and think about them and asked me if i can be there to help her sometimes. I feel almost immature on my side to start ignoring her right now, trying to pretend that it will make me forget her. the thing is, even if i do ignore her, i will still get her messages and her calls most likely, so it would still remind me of her. So i am in a little bit of a loop here and dont know how to deal with it other than the way it is right now.

You can always block her but I can see you are trying to wean yourself from the relationship.
If you must go that way,be sure to protect yourself!

Ahh its difficult, all I keep thinking about is her, whether she calls or not. Both positive and negative things, miss her so much. I think she is taking this a lot better than I am (I don't show any signs to her), she is out with friends tonight having fun, I am not even in the mood to do anything. Maybe I'll go out tomorrow, but I know no matter what I do, I'll just be looking aimlessly and thinking about her. Kind of sucks, but I guess reality is harsh.
I think she has been testing me today to see how much I care about her. It makes me a bit happier knowing the ball is in my court, I broke up with her and I can choose, but I don't see us getting back together unless she becomes serious about this. What bothers me even more is that she has several guys after her right now, one of them even asked her on a date already. Well, no questions really in this post, just wanted to whine a little about how I am feeling right now, haha.

4 threads merged for the complete story.

It has been 2 months since I broke up with my ex girlfriend because she lied to me, and she lied to me before than too. We've been texting each other once every few days or so since and stuff like that. Well, today when I talked to her on the phone, she told me that she had sex with another guy. She said she has been trying to forget about me, but it made her realize that she really wants to be with me and she did not enjoy the sex, she just hoped it would make her forget our relationship. Well now she is really wanting to meet up and talk about it, she really wants to get back with me and keeps promising that she will be loyal to me. I am in a dilemma now, because I still love her, I really do, but I don't know how I can touch her again knowing that some other guy did her already. That image just keeps flashing in my head. I haven't had sex with any girls after we broke up with her, although if I had the opportunity, I know I would have taken it without a doubt :) The whole two months I've been hoping that she would realize things and I still had hope that we would be together down the road if she changed. Any advise as to whether I should even see her now? I don't know what to do, I miss her, but this is so hard to even think about. She did tell me honestly so that's a plus and our relationship before lasted for 1.5 years, most of which have been great, until the last month where she lied to me for no reason about being out with friends and such.

but i dont know how i can touch her again knowing that some other guy did her already. That image just keeps flashing in my head. I havent had sex with any girls after we broke up with her, although if i had the opportunity, i know i would have taken it without a doubt :)

Is the problem the lies or the fact that she had sex with someone else? Looking at the title, I'll assume you are asking about the latter. In my opinion she didn't do anything wrong since the relationship had ended when she had sex. You obviously feel the same way since you admitted you would have done the same thing if given the opportunity. So the only issue is if you can get over your unfair attitude that she is somehow "spoiled goods" because she slept with another man. That is for you to decide.

It has been 2 months since i broke up with my ex gf because she lied to me, and she lied to me before than too..

Doesn't this answer your question? Whether she has slept with someone else (she is single and can do what she wants. And even though you might have a problem with it... well... ) It still seems as if you know why you broke up with her in the first place... do you really think she would stop lying to you if you gve her another shot?

The way I see it; it seems like a good idea to remember why the two of you broke up, you dumped her for a reason... and even though she might say to you now that she has realized things: if the initial problem hasn't been fixed: will it really help?

Let her go. Not because she slept with someone else. Because you don't trust her. She lied to you first, then slept with some else while she was not with you. That part was not wrong...

Yea... seems like you are all saying the same thing, sex isn't the thing that should be worrying me right now, but about what made me break up with her initially. I think I may meet her and try to understand why she thinks anything would change if we were to date again. I'll also explain to her that getting back my trust will take a long time. I really do love her, it is going to be hard for me to overcome the sex thing because I still felt as if she was my girl even when she wasn't. It is also very difficult being without her. I took her virginity and that's why I feel so horrible about her being with somebody else like that.

Yea... seems like you are all saying the same thing, sex isn't the thing that should be worrying me right now, but about what made me break up with her initially.
After reading all your posts, your just repeating a pattern, going in circles and don't want to let go. You have tried, but can't. Its been two months, and you still can't let go. She is zooming someone else and you still can't let go. Geez, You are stuck!!

I think I may meet her and try to understand why she thinks anything would change if we were to date again.
Why not disappear from her life and leave her alone?? You broke up for a reason, and that HASN'T CHANGED!

I'll also explain to her that getting back my trust will take a long time. I really do love her, it is going to be hard for me to overcome the sex thing because I still felt as if she was my girl even when she wasn't
Reread this whole thread first, and see what you have already been through. You have quite a cycle going, and its repeating itself yet again.
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It is also very difficult being without her. I took her virginity and that's why I feel so horrible about her being with somebody else like that.
I understand that, but give yourself some time to think with your brain and not your feelings. Either you will repeat this sick cycle or really do the work it takes to resolve your issues and you both have a bunch of them.

talaniman, thank you for the excellent answer, but as you say, I have seen this pattern in the past, thus the reason I broke up with her was because I did not see any hope with the way things were repeating. For the past couple months, I've been hoping that this time away from each other would change her, make her realize things and maybe down the road we could be together again if she understood what she was doing. I know I am weak for trying to hold on to her, but I fell for her real good somehow.

Do you think I should even bother seeing her tomorrow and discussing things? I wasn't planning to jump back in a relationship regardless, but I would like to really know your opinion. I guess its once again something hoping inside me that she changed and being away and with other guys made her realize something that she will not get with those guys. I DO NOT want to repeat this cycle! So, if cutting off is the only route, then its probably for the best.

I currently see two routes I can take:
1. Call my cell carrier, tell them to block her number and delete her aim screename from my buddy list and have 0 communication with her from this point on for the rest of my life.
2. Meet her tomorrow and if it appears that she is taking things seriously, tell her that we can be friends for a while and see how things go. But if I there is another instance where something from past repeats, tell her that I am blocking her off completely.

I currently see two routes I can take:
1. Call my cell carrier, tell them to block her number and delete her aim screename from my buddy list and have 0 communication with her from this point on for the rest of my life.



At least give yourself some healing time, a few years or so.

There has not been enough time for anything to change with her, or with you. Definitely follow what Talaniman said and give yourself time away from her.

The events of the past 6 months will just repeat over again. After she reels you back and has you on her leash, she will go looking for someone else AGAIN!

Listen:

1. She lied to you. You can't trust people who lie. Relationships are all about trust.

2. She was sleeping with others while you were pinning over her and holding out hope. Now she wants to talk to you and you can't let that go. That is going to be YOUR downfall right there... the inability to let go of the thought of her sleeping with others.

3. You stayed around and waited while she got her jollies else where. The only reason she is back is because the other guy she was with probably isn't what she thought or wanted either. So she will go back to her consolation prize... you! She knows you're still head over heels for her and can have her way with you and you will go along with the game plan.


You need to stand up for yourself and your feelings and quit allowing this girl to disrespect you. You allow her to tell you that she is having sex with other people?? Man, if I were you and my ex attempted to have that conversation with me... I would say "I'm not having this conversation with you" and hang up on her at the first mention of anything like that! I would be crushed. No wonder you're stuck!

Why are you taking all of this crap?! Time to stand up for your feelings, heal, and get on with life.

Hi, just thought I'd give a little update on the situation. I blocked her off the other day and do not regret it. I still think about it all, but try not to do that too much. Evidently my carrier charges you monthly to block a number haha, so I didn't do that, I've just been ignoring her calls. She isn't worth paying monthly for. She left a voicemail the other day talking as if everything is normal.

I still wake up at night imagining her with some other guy, imagining all the guys she will be sleeping with now that I am not there. Before me she dated several guys every year, except now she will be having sex with all of them as well. But yeah she is history, hopefully there are girls out there who don't lie like this. I feel hurt, but there is no going back. Thanks for the advice all of you.

There are girls out there that are trustworthy and that are asking the same question you are asking, "Are there any guys out there that I can trust and that won't break my heart??"

Believe me, with over 3 billion women on the planet, there are more than a few good ones. You just got a rotten apple who will soon get devoured by all of the worm guys out there... don't let one bad apple ruin your taste.

You live, you learn, you get better, and give better! Good luck.

The dreams will fade. Just stay busy with friends and other activities.

Just delete her number if you have not done so yet. I know you will still know who it is when she calls, but at least it won't be as easy to call her in a weak moment. Her voice maessages are just attempts to keep you in her life to ease her guilt... nothing more.

It takes time, but you will get back to the way you were before this mess.

Good Luck.

So me and this girl went out on a date about a week ago. Then on Saturday, we hung out at her house for a while and I ended up spending the night there after a night of making out, no sex though. Well, she texted me the next day, we talked through the day on texts and now she is out of town for a week.

I really like her and I think her feelings are mutual, its been a couple days since we talked, so I was thinking of when I should call her? Maybe text her? Tomorrow, a few days later or maybe when she comes back? I don't want her to think that I don't like her, but I don't want to seem annoying or clingy either. I like to take it slow with girls and I am not sure if she is looking for a serious relationship right now or not. Ladies' opinions will probably be most helpful in this case for me, but feel free to respond regardless.

Thank you.

If you think that the feeling is mutual, then call her whenever you feel like it.

Talk to her more and you'll have a better idea on whether she enjoys talking to you. But you won't know this unless you talk to her.

But you definitely need to get to know her better, because you are still basically strangers to each other.

If you like to go slow with girls, then why did you rush into making out with her so soon?
Another make out session could lead to sex and it's wayy to soon for that.

A simple text saying "how are you doing" would be fine. That way you are just talking casually and you don't look clingy. Tomorrow would be fine for a text like that.

Drop the text stuff and have a bit more class. Formality is the way to go as you two have already shared tongues. Call her, chat with her, keep it short and be done.

Too much texting can lead to ambiguous expectations.

Chat/text

i agree wit kctiger. yew wuld b better off calling her. not texting her. if yew rlly like her than call her. see how shes doing..etc. just take it slow. try to prove to her yew like her. thats the only way of knowing if she feels the same.

No more chat speak, it's against the rules.

Besides, it's just as easy to type "you" instead of "yew".

There's not limit of space here, you can type as much as you want, use as many letters as you want, so go crazy, type complete words and complete sentences.

Keep up the chat speak and all your posts will be deleted.

Call her when you want to talk to her. Don't play mind games. That crap is so out dated. Show her how you feel, don't be pushy, just let her know that you like her. Calling her is the best way. Even texting, everyone texts now. Just send a text saying " How is your day going?" Or something along those lines. But definitely don't wait a certain amount of days, that's just playing games, no one likes games.

Give her a call, and if she is busy, wait until she calls you back.

Drop the text stuff and have a bit more class. Formality is the way to go as you two have already shared tongues. Call her, chat with her, keep it short and be done.

Too much texting can lead to ambiguous expectations.

Good point kctiger! Yeah man definitely NO TEXTING, and keep phone conversations down to a minimum (mostly the phone is used to set up the next date but a little conversation is okay), because you want to do most of your interacting face to face with this girl preferbly while you two are on a date. Space is definitely valuable. Use it.

Ok, followed the advice and gave her a call yesterday morning, unfortunately she didn't answer. Later on, she called back and left a voicemail since I missed her call, briefly told me how her week was going and that hopefully she'll talk to me soon. I called back a few hours later, she didn't answer again. So unless she calls back, I'll just wait until she is back in town this weekend, call her up then and see if we can hang out. Sounds like a good plan?

Thanks for the great advice everyone.

K well you should call her or text her whenever you want. But don't do it everyday, she will get annoyed and it won't be great but don't seem to eager.

So I've been out on three dates with a girl that I like, all 3 have been absolutely amazing and the last one was probably the best, I know for a fact that she enjoyed it very much, we had an amazing time. Well, I live 2 hours away from her and for the following week we kept texting each other all the time and such. She would often start the conversations. She told me what a great time she had with me and kept being cute and joking around, so I was very happy. Then she didn't respond to my text one day a couple weeks later, then I texted her a few days later, she responded but then didn't respond again after a conversation. I also posted a little inside joke on her fb wall and she didn't respond to that. So as a last strand of hope, I texted her last weekend to see what she is up to. She responded and asked me how I was doing, but then again, she didn't respond to my second text back.

So, here I am, very confused as to what went wrong, since when we talked after our last date 4 weeks ago and she really appeared to like me, would text me rather often to see how I am doing for the whole week after and now all of a sudden she is cutting me off for no apparent reason. She is somewhat older than me, almost 27, I am 21. I would have thought girls of that age would be more interested to moving into something serious rather then messing around, but she only has had 2 bfs in the past. You guys think there's no more hope on this one? Why would a girl be doing that?

Maybe when she sat back she decided it was not for her?

There could be something going on in her life that your not privy too and its taking up her time and head space.

She just lost interest.. has this not happened to you?

You meet a girl,have a few great dates and suddenly for no reson you can put your finger on it just fizzles out.

Perhaps she was just not that into you.

I'm only guessing here,really you would have to ask her...

If it was me in your shoes,I would stop trying to contact her and see if she contacts you.

I hate to say it but I don't think she's too interested in you.. I would count this as a loss and quit sending her messages. If she contacts you, great, if she doesn't, oh well. Don't hang on to her.

Yeah, I wasn't planning on contacting her anymore, it was just bothering me a bit where it went wrong, but I guess I'll never know for sure. I've been hanging out with other girls in the meanwhile, just that this one I actually saw myself being with. Thanks for the responses.

That's the idea of dating,getting to know someone before the relationship...

So this one didn't work out,bet she dos'ent know what she's missing!

Enjoy dating,get to know the person,and hold on to your heart until you know the other person feels the same.

Good luck.

Sounds like her interest level in you has really declined. She might have been flirty with you at the beginning because it was all fun and games. Just to see if there's some possibilities with you or she was just having fun. But then eventually she has to decide whether she's interested in you or not. This is way of saying she's not interested. Furthermore, at least she's not leading you on and giving you false hope. She's letting you down easy by ignoring you. Would you rather her directly tell you that she's not interested?

Be glad that you had some good times, but now it's time to move on.

It may be that she is not sure about how she really feels about you. I would say let go. You will only hurt yourself more by trying to hold on or try to keep this relationship going.

Yeah guys, just in case anybody was wondering how this thread went, I wanted to let you know that I broke it off with her and now I can't be happier that she is out of my life. We will see each other once a month or so, we've had sex a couple times since I broke off. She has a new boyfriend now, but behind his back, keeps flirting with other guys (including me) and even kissing. I know she would have done the same thing if it was me dating her instead of her new boyfriend, who by the way treats her very well. Poor guy does not know yet who she is, but at least he gets laid I guess.
Only a week before she started dating him (back in August), she was sleeping with me and begging me to get back with her, saying how much she changed and that I do not understand and blaming me for not seeing how much she changed. She cried too. Now that I look at it, her tears were so worthless. She did not change a bit and it comforts me greatly to know that it is not me experiencing her bs this time around.
I have not found the right girl thus far, but went on some dates with very nice and interesting girls and experienced things that I never would have if I was still with her. Quite frankly, physical attraction may be the only thing I miss about her. That's the only thing that remained. For one reason or another, she still thinks that down the road me and her will get married.
I just want to thank you guys, some of the advice given in this thread really opened my eyes. I tried so hard to believe in her, I tried so hard to think that people in this thread are somehow wrong or not understanding my situation because they don't know the whole story. Well, pretty much everyone here was right. So, I really appreciate you guys guiding me in the right direction.

Glad to see you are happier now. That's what healing and concentrating on yourself is all about.

That girl was full of bull! Let nobody mess with you like that again.

Hey jake I too had an issue like yours. She would ignore my calls and then when I did it she would blow up my phone even ask my parents if they knew where I was... she would also tell me "she loved me to death" well at the end I finally told her not to call me until she figured out what it was that she wanted.. well it's been 5yrs.
I think she doesn't want to do the dirty work to not feel bad because of the way you feel for her.. and she wants you there to have a back up. So if you don't want to suffer more than you have to. Then do it, but know that she might not ever hear from her again.. "if you let them go.. you know the rest.