Threads merged

I dated this girl for about 8 months. She was away at college when we started dating, she goes to school about 40 minutes from where I live. The relationship was great, we did everything together and had a loving relationship. When she went back to school after summer things seemed to change. She didn't talk to me as much, she had more work than before and she wanted to socialize more at school because she hadn't really experienced college. After a rocky point in our relationship she told me things weren't working and she wanted a break. When I asked her why she came to this she said she just needed some space and was really confused right now. It's been 5 weeks and we still communicate every day and occasionally hang out. She says she doesn't see us getting back together because of her own personal issues with relationships. I can't let her go and I still love her. She says she still loves me and that's why she wants us to remain friends. What should I do? Should I leave her alone and hope she comes back or keep being her "friend" as I've been trying to do?

I am going through a very similar thing right now.. all though me and my girlfriend were together for 7 years.

After 8 months I would suggest that she still be unsure of things and this is away of keeping you at arms length. Giver her some space... believe me it will be difficult but I think by staying in contact you are just putting your life on hold for someone else!

Yes definitely leave her alone. When somebody asks for space, give it to them. If you don't it will backfire - the more you call, cling and beg, the more the person will want to run in the other direction.

When I read your post I couldn't help but wonder if there is another guy in the picture which might be causing her confusion? Just a hunch is all...

Give her the opportunity to miss you and get a good old dose of what life is REALLY like without you. She asked for space so she needs to feel the full consequences of that request.

Whether she comes back or not who knows. But at least you have done the right thing, and can always keep your dignity firmly intact regardless of the outcome.

I do hope things go your way, keep us posted. Best wishes.

No and yes don`t be here friend and be her friend as in don`t be so close to here if she calls answer if she dosen`t ignore here and if she wants to talk talk but other wize igonore HER!!

She says she still loves me and that's why she wants us to remain friends. What should I do? Should I leave her alone and hope she comes back or keep being her "friend" as I've been trying to do?

If she still was "In Love" with you then she wouldn't ask for space. Do not be her friend... you don't owe her that. Just back off and give her the space she wants. Nothing you do or say will change how she is feeling. If she comes back, it will be because she wanted to, not because you were her friend. You cannot remain friends with someone who you are in love with. That isn't fair to you. It may all work out in the end, but you don't have any control over that. Your duty is to yourself, and making yourself happy.

She asked for space, so do as she says, and leave her alone, until you can be friends, without expecting her to come back as your girlfriend. I doubt that happens, so get over her, and get your own life in order.

Don't let false hope make you blind to the fact that, the fun with her is over, and its time to move on.

Make yourself priority. Let her go and if she comes back, its meant to be. She may take the no contact as being mean or whatever, but you need to do it for yourself. If you feel you need to, maybe just mention it to her no more communicating because YOU need to get on with things, friends will only keep giving you false hope at this point. Last I've heard from my ex, she said she wants me to come, things will be how they always have been when I'm there, and she won't be seeing anyone else. Next time she contacts me, I may just tell her, I'm giving you your space and I need to stop the small talk so I can move on. If you have something to say about possibly being together or never again, or your seeing another guy, contact me.

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." - Anon

I love this quote... I think it sums up the situation perfectly and is what you have to do if you have any lingering thoughts for your ex. I am struggling with the letting go part, but I know in time I will finally be released from the shackles of this unrequited love.

If its meant to be, it will be. You just have to accept it and focus on yourself.

She's told me there isn't another man so I believe and trust her. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend right now and just wants to be free. I'll admit it was probably a bad thing that we tried to spend all of our free time together. I made her my top priority and sort of blew off my friends. Now she's spending her free time by working and hanging with her friends. I believe if there someone else she'd cut off all ties because what purpose would I serve to her if she's got someone else? I'm not initiating any more convos with her but we are going ice skating on Wed so I hope I don't let my emotions get the best of me. Thanks for all the advice and I'll keep adding to this post.

Lazzy... those same words were uttered by my ex. "I don't want a boyfriend right now" "I want to be young and single" "I need some time for myself" etc etc. But... low and behold within a matter of weeks she has started seeing someone else... and they have been together for about 3 weeks now.

And... she doesn't know that I know about this. But I do. Even though we said we would tell each other if we found someone else.

And she is still emailing me and IMing me. Asking how I am, how my family is doing, what my plans are for the weekend...


what purpose would I serve to her if she's got someone else?

She doesn't want me letting go of her, she wants to make sure I am still on her mind... and she also feels guilty that she has met someone else. She wants to let me down gently. Its her way of making HERSELF feel better about the situation.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be able to go out and date other guys (which is fine) but she wants to make sure that I am still kept firmly in her mind... which sucks because it means she is able to go out and move on by replacing me... but I am stuck feeding on the scraps of false hope that she is providing me.

She told me she still wants to come to my brothers wedding... why on earth would she think I would want her coming to my brothers wedding when she is already getting intimate with a new guy?

A part me holds on to the fact that she hasn't told me about him yet as it being a good sign... we always said we would tell each other if one of us found something serious... so maybe the fact she isn't telling means that its not serious. To be honest, I just think that she is just waiting for the right moment to drop this "bombshell" on me.

I am not saying that your ex is with another guy... I'm just saying don't rule it out... and don't rule it out happening at any moment. When they say they "don't want a boyfriend" all they mean is that they don't want YOU as a boyfriend... if someone came along who could help them to numb their breakup pain they will jump at the chance.

But we are going ice skating on Wed so I hope I don't let my emotions get the best of me.

I hope you can too, because your being demoted to friend zone, where there is no escape.

I think she's trying to politely let you know she is moving on with her life.

So what does it mean when she still tries to talk to me to see how I'm doing everyday? She really does seem confused to me. Each week it's a new feeling towards me. Sometimes we can talk like we were still going out and then something happens and she shifts her attention to other things and we barely talk. Comparing our break up to the relationship the only thing that's really changed is she is seeing her friends more on the weekends when she comes home and we don't talk as much during the week when she's at school. Isn't some space necessary in a relationship anyway? Especially at such a young age

It means that she is using you as a means of making herself feel better about the breakup. She is weaning herself off you... and once you have served her purpose you will probably never hear from her again.

I am going through the same thing right now... my ex emails me and asks me how I am, how my weekend was etc. I have only just come to realise what it all means... what she is doing. She is using me to comfort herself emotionally, and making sure that she is still in the forefront of my mind.

I'm no expert on this... in fact I am a novice. I'm sure Tal or some of the others pros can shed some more light on this for you.

From all the posts I have read on here, all I can say is that if she wants a break then it means you are broken up. And if they want space... GIVE IT TO THEM. You shouldn't be talking to her or seeing her at all... let her see what life is actually like without you.

Read the Sticky posts too... there is some very insightful information within those! Those stickies definitely turned on a few light switches in my head.

Friends zone. She keeps you close, but is free to do whatever she pleases, with no strings attached. This gives her the best of both worlds. You'll get tired of it soon enough.

My ex told me the same thing,"I need time right now for myself and want to be alone" She even has the nerve to tell me that when I'm supposed to be up there staying with her in a couple weeks, she won't be seeing someone else. Ive come to the conclusion that it is just a way of letting you down softly and in her mind, justifying what she has done with you. I am almost certain when a girl breaks it off with a guy in a manner like this, her friends know. My ex told me she is very unhappy, but still needs time. You think her friends don't realize that she's upset/unhappy if she truly is? I wouldn't doubt for a second they encourage her to meet another guy if anything. And meeting another guy will at the very least, temporarily help her ease the break up, and unfortunately probably will lead to her forgetting about you if she starts dating someone and it works. My ex said she would tell me if she was talking to/seeing someone else because I told her I would not come and stay with her if she was, but she only continues to assure me she doesn't want anyone else, only wants me to be where she is, will not be moved on in a couple weeks, and will not be with anyone else. As much as she says things like these, I have almost convinced myself that its going to be almost impossible for us to get back together and a great chance she'll be seeing someone else soon enough. I asked her if she thought we were going to be together again and she replied, "Eventually, but I don't knwo when that will be." An answer like that was one of the last comments we have had since Friday. Haven't talked since, I know her friends are in town staying with her, so she's riding high right now having a great time.
She also keeps saying things will be like they have always been when we are together in a couple weeks, so I guess if she isn't with anyone else, I'll go enjoy myself for the week, no strings attached, concluding the relationship?

Any advice on how I go about getting her back. I know I shouldn't want her back because she is treating me like crap but those of you that know what love is can relate I hope. Is there anything I can do to make her think differently and want me back. She says school is the only reason she can't see us getting back together.

any advice on how I go about getting her back. I know I shouldn't want her back because she is treating me like crap but those of you that know what love is can relate I hope. Is there anything I can do to make her think differently and want me back. She says school is the only reason she can't see us getting back together.

What are you talking about you muppet?

Those of us that are in love.. can relate??

What you think just because we are in love we let people treat us like crap? Then get on our hands and knees and beg for the filth to come back!!

You got another thing coming.
You can not change someone's mind kid. You have to learn that at an early age.
If someone treats you like this. You delet them from your life
Its sad. But it's a fact

You have to get some Balls and stand up for yourself!
Have some pride!
And move on.

Trust me I have been there we all have.
We all want want want.

But what we want. Is not always what we need.

Learn from this and move on

I just meant it as those of you who know how hard it is to let someone you love go. It's easy to say let her go and leave her alone but it's something completely different to do it. It's up to me to make the decision and I know I'll have to live with the consequences whatever they may be. I'm giving her the space she wants now so I guess time will tell what happens. Sorry if that offended anyone

We know its not easy dude and we also know it's the hardest thing you may ever do in life, sheeesh!

Just because its hard, doesn't mean its not the right thing to do.

The easy way out, has consequences also.

So like I said we're going ice skating and such on Wed and I've also decided I'm going to talk to her to let her know how I feel about the situation and maybe that it's best if we just don't talk at all anymore until some time has passed and then I can maybe be friends with her. It's almost like my last ditch effort to show her I'm that close to being out of her life and again I'm hoping she gets the picture and reconsiders how she treats me and possibly her decision. I've given her exactly what she's asked for and I'm just now seeing how much of a dog I've become to her. It's hard to accept that I've given her all the power when it should be the other way around. She broke up with me and I should be the one not wanting to come back AT ALL. I'll always believe in happy endings whether mine comes sooner rather than later I'll just have to wait and see. I'll update this again after Wed with everything that happened. Thanks everyone for your advice, really helps me out.

Well to update for anyone that may still be reading this, we went ice skating and everything today and I must say that it went pretty well. I hadn't talked to her at all for a couple of days and let her know before hand that I was going to start giving her space and not going to talk to her as often... however I think I've had a change of heart in that category. Tonight showed me that I really do like being in her company whether it be as a "friend" or a partner. She just has something about her that I can't let go of so easily. I know I'm probably pathetic and now deserve any hurt I get from this but I'm not willing to just cut her out of my life completely. I understand that I was dependent on her and maybe to a point I still am, I still want some attention from her I think that feeling is reciprocated on her part. I know that she has better things to do in her mind and quite frankly so do I. What hurt does it cause to see her every once in a while, especially now around the holidays? As long as I get it in my head that she's not my girlfriend anymore and I'm not her boyfriend I think I can handle it. Maybe after some time she'll come around or maybe we'll end up not talking anyway, who knows but I'm not going to cut her out of my life because she wants some her time. I'm sure this will receive some flack from everyone giving me advice or maybe no one will care enough to give me advice anymore. Whatever the case, I got this off my chest and I feel good to put what's in head on here. I'm going to work on my life first and if there's time for her in there than I'm going to go with it. We started as friends before we "went out" and Im going to get myself back to that point. To the point when she wanted me most and was the one coming to me, not me coming to her. I think when I get to that point she'll see the guy she fell in love with and really start to consider her decision to throw that away. She said it to me herself "If we're meant to be it will happen, if not then we can't change that". This is so true and I'm starting to believe this. I can't make her love me again, all I can do is get me back together and let what happens happen. Again I say thanks for the advice but I got to do what I believe in my heart. More of a gamble I know, but what's life without a little risk?

well to update for anyone that may still be reading this, we went ice skating and everything today and I must say that it went pretty well. I hadn't talked to her at all for a couple of days and let her know before hand that I was going to start giving her space and not going to talk to her as often...however I think I've had a change of heart in that category. Tonight showed me that I really do like being in her company whether it be as a "friend" or a partner. She just has something about her that I can't let go of so easily. I know I'm probably pathetic and now deserve any hurt I get from this but I'm not willing to just cut her out of my life completely. I understand that I was dependent on her and maybe to a point I still am, I still want some attention from her I think that feeling is reciprocated on her part. I know that she has better things to do in her mind and quite frankly so do I. What hurt does it cause to see her every once in a while, especially now around the holidays? As long as I get it in my head that she's not my girlfriend anymore and I'm not her boyfriend I think I can handle it. Maybe after some time she'll come around or maybe we'll end up not talking anyway, who knows but I'm not going to cut her out of my life because she wants some her time. I'm sure this will receive some flack from everyone giving me advice or maybe no one will care enough to give me advice anymore. Whatever the case, I got this off my chest and I feel good to put what's in head on here. I'm going to work on my life first and if there's time for her in there than I'm going to go with it. We started as friends before we "went out" and Im going to get myself back to that point. To the point when she wanted me most and was the one coming to me, not me coming to her. I think when I get to that point she'll see the guy she fell in love with and really start to consider her decision to throw that away. She said it to me herself "If we're meant to be it will happen, if not then we can't change that". This is so true and I'm starting to believe this. I can't make her love me again, all I can do is get me back together and let what happens happen. Again I say thanks for the advice but I gotta do what I believe in my heart. More of a gamble I know, but what's life without a little risk?

You are just setting yourself up for more pain and hurt.
Goodluck

To the point when she wanted me most and was the one coming to me, not me coming to her. I think when I get to that point she'll see the guy she fell in love with and really start to consider her decision to throw that away.

Good luck with that.


Again I say thanks for the advice but I got to do what I believe in my heart. More of a gamble I know, but what's life without a little risk?

Your right, just be realistic and prepared. Keep us updated, as we will comment whether we agree with you or not. I hope it works out the way you want it to.

You are just setting yourself up for more pain and hurt.
Goodluck

I thin I'm only setting myself up fore more hurt if I have expectations. As long as I can suppress the expectation or want for her to get back with me I can survive. When I think about it, I didn't expect her to become my girlfriend. I had to feel out the situation and see if I really wanted to settle down with this girl. I'm going to try and go back to that perspective and just let her enjoy her life. I don't hold as prominent a position in it but at least I hold some position in it. Maybe this will also give me some closure on the relationship and maybe it won't. I can say I don't mind putting my relationship life on hold, for now. If things change then obviously I'll throw myself back into the sea and see what's out there for me. All I can say is I regret the actions I had during the relationship and know that I too need to work on some things. I'm not trying to make myself the skapegoat or anything like that but I did contribute to the breakup for sure. This place is such a release for me even if no one else reads this. I like being able to get all of this off my mind and out there to someone. For all these sad stories of girls leaving their guys or vice versa I say don't lose all hope. Not all breakups are the end, most of the time they are, but NOT ALL end. I'm not trying to promote false hope or anything like that, you got to follow your heart and make sure you have a clear mind when you make your decision.
It's only been 6 weeks, haha only 6 weeks, but I know I'm coming around and accepting we're not together anymore and I can't stop her from seeing other guys or meeting them. She's a friend for the time being and yes I hope that somewhere down the future she reconsiders but I have no control over her feelings. I still love the girl very much and she still loves me, just not to the same degree. Hopefully I'm doing the right thing here and I don't regret this decision in the future.

I still love the girl very much and she still loves me, just not to the same degree. Hopefully I'm doing the right thing here and I don't regret this decision in the future.

This is my problem with your outlook. You are still in love with her, she is NOT IN LOVE with you. She loves you as a person and thus cares about your feelings, but does not see you as a romantic partner. I cannot see how you being in love with her and continuing to hang out with her can help you in the slightest... how do you EVER expect to move on if you continue to be around her? I cannot remember the entire story here, so I apologize if this has been covered, but do you honestly think you two will be friends if/when she gets another boyfriend? I highly doubt it. Can you handle seeing her with another guy, holding hands, kissing... We are here to guide you away from dishing out pain to yourself, and you keep saying you can handle it. I have NEVER seen someone handle this stuff well. I hope, for your sake, you realize quickly that you are making some extremely dangerous decisions that can have a huge impact on your heart and your emotions. Please protect yourself.

P.S. If she was still in love with you, you two would be together, period.

P.S. If she was still in love with you, you two would be together, period.

I agree with that. I talked to her about it a little and she said she was still in love with me but because of my jealous actions even after we broke up and the way I've voiced my feelings to her she doesn't see me the same anymore. That's why I'm trying to get myself back to the person she fell in love with. I've given myself a time table of our Xmas break to see where things go or don't go. It's a whole 5 weeks and by the time it's over we will have been broken up for 3 months. If nothing happens then I'll let her go and I will move on.

A little back story. After her last ex didn't work out she ended up doing the same thing, wanting to party and just be with her friends. She said he tried to control her life and always wanted her to be with him and not go hang with her friends. I kind of started to act the same way and maybe that pushed her away from me. I would get upset if she didn't want to spend time with me or she maybe wanted to stay at school for an extra day. I know I sound like I'm making excuses here but would you guys agree I became a little too dependent on her to be with me?? Back to the larger story, she told me she rejected going out with this one guy she was talking to because she really didn't want a boyfriend at the time. It was only two months after her breakup that we started to communicate and eventually lead us to get serious.

Another little added tidbit is that we went to high school together for 4 years but we didn't speak but 10 words to each other through all 4 years. We knew who the other was and that was all. Our whole relationship started because she had a crush on me our senior year. At the time we started "talking" both of us were unhappy with who we were already "talking" to, if that makes sense to you guys. I think if it were any other guy but me she wouldn't have wasted her time with them and just stayed single. I mean, a crush can only take you so far, she still had to actually like the guy I was and want to be with me. I'm not planning to sit on my and wait for her to change her mind. If the right person comes into my life then hopefully I can explore a new relationship and in turn forget about this one. She hasn't forgot about me and I know it's because she too is struggling to let me go. I know the NC is to help me out and heal myself faster and maybe give her the idea that I have moved on from her. I'm a naïve person in that I take what people say to the heart. I've been learning to not take what she says so personally as sometimes she speaks her feelings at the wrong time and to a wrong hopeful person aka ME.

From what everyone here and around me has said I need to take the power she has over me back. I'm trying to make her come to me and not always me coming to her when she calls or throws me a bone. Am I at least right in taking this approach? I'll be updating this a lot I'm sure because I've been going through ups and downs like this the whole breakup. I've gone through a similar situation like this and yeah it hurt me to see the girl with another guy but I had no control over it. After that girl had broken up with the guy after a year and a half she came right back to me. Too bad for her I had already moved on and didn't see her the same way I had in the past. So to end this long input. Xmas break is my decider, her going back to college after could be both a godsend or be the ultimate disrupting factor, we will see in the upcoming weeks.

Hey man college is a very important time in a young woman's life (men too). Think about it... she has tons of friends on campus, male and female, there are parties all the time. She just wants to experience it all without the guilt of hurting you.

It is time to move on and that *friendship* thing is a fantasy that sounds good in theory but rarely works in practice.

Down the road ,when you have moved on emotionally.then yes a friendship may be possible but she has made it clear that she is not up for anything else right now so you need to stop hurting yourself and walk away... a clean break.

Sorry for your suffering ,breaking up is never easy to do ,just feel glad you had the time you did together and learn from the experience.

Best of luck!

If you really love her then I guess you should wait, but if she's not that dear to you, you can try finding someone else.If you can't find a person you like then just wait for her. I recommand trying to find someone else. If you find that person you can get more close or just wait for her.

Know that most breaks are permanent so you really need to let go and not live on false hope. Emotionally, it will only ruin you. If you two was meant to be then she will come back to you in the future. Being friends with her at this time isn't good because you still have feelings for her.

I know it isn't easy but let go and start the healing process.

Question pertinent to the timing of this break up. I like to think of myself as a nice person and since this girl played a large role in my life this year I decided to get her a little something for Xmas. I was wondering how I should go about giving it to her as I've now fully gone to NC. I was thinking of wrapping it and then just leaving it on her porch with a nice hand written note. Good plan or bad?

I should say bad. As you can not buy love
I know you are doing this.. for your so called..
Thanking her for being there for you.

But really I think if you look deep down you want this gift.. to make her come back to you.

I say don't bother.

Really. I do wish you all the best.
But I just don't think this is worth the risk

Stay on no contact.
And don't buy her anything

You can not buy love
You can not control others feelings

Regards

The answer to all your questions is NO CONTACT.Find something else to do.Get your mind off her.She is not thinking about you, so quit wasting your time thinking about her

stay on no contact.
and dont buy her anything



Regards

I already bought the shirt. I haven't contacted her at all but she still texts me day to day. I don't see anything wrong with talking to her if she initiates it, that to me shows that I'm still on her mind enough to care about me a little bit regardless if it may be as a friend in her eyes. I'd agree that deep down I want the gift to remind her of what we had but as I said I already bought it and it has a no return policy as it's a custom t-shirt.

Seems to me lazzy that you are just trying to find ways to rebuttal everyone's advice because you think your situation is different and this cannot be happening to you. Do you honestly think a gift will make her remember what she had? Come on man... it is time to buck up and start the healing process. Nothing has changed, just your mindset, that's all. And right now, your mind is addicted to what ever little hope you get by her contacting you every other day. Once that drug runs its course, the real pain sets in. Emotional detox man!! Let it happen.

I don't see anything wrong with talking to her if she initiates it, that to me shows that I'm still on her mind enough to care about me a little bit regardless if it may be as a friend in her eyes.

Amazing how false hope keeps you putting her, above your own need to heal.

Yes there is something wrong with talking to an ex, that dumped you, and keeps you in the friend zone, and you thinking you still have a chance to change her mind, buy her gifts?

What your doing is NOT No contact, but false hope, and until you get some real No Contact, you can never heal, and see reality, or accept the truth, she doesn't want romance with you!

I know I'm setting myself up for more hurt but I don't know what else to do. This girls actions sometimes speak her feelings towards me (just friends) and other times they speak the complete opposite. It's hard to just thrown something like this away and not try to make things better. I've honestly learned a lot about myself in these last 6 weeks. I'm understanding my insecurities as a boyfriend and how that made me less attractive to her and in the end resulted in her calling off the relationship. I know I'm holding on to slim hope and that's my own fault and I'll have to deal with whatever emotional consequences come with it. I really appreciate all the advice but I got to do what's in my heart and this girl may be my first true relationship, which is why it's hardest to get over, but I see a lot of life partner qualities in her that make me think she's worth the trouble I'm putting myself through.

I'll admit, I have friends around me who have gotten back with their exes on a number of occasions and this girls college roomy(who actually initiated contact with me) and her ex seem to be rebuilding things and they stayed "just friends" after they broke up. Just got to see where things go. Along the lines of a famous quote I'm going to quote Kanye West's song Love Lockdown "Only God knows, if I'll be with you, baby I'm confused, you choose, you choose". That pretty much up my feeing on the matter.

Along the lines of a famous quote I'm going to quote Kanye West's song Love Lockdown "Only God knows, if I'll be with you, baby I'm confused, you choose, you choose". That pretty much up my feeing on the matter.


Well, unfortunately Kanye won't be there to let you vent when you hurt yourself over and over again... Man up to reality and quit playing the, "Well my situation is different" card. You going NC is for a reason, to stop thinking with emotions and to start seeing reality for what it is. Once you do this, then you can make decisions based on facts, and not your distorted views of reality. You can't follow your heart when your head is so blinded with emotion and unrealistic fantasies.

You can't follow your heart when your head is so blinded with emotion and unrealistic fantasies.

I don't think it's unrealistic to think that we'll have another go somewhere down the line. I'm not trying to say this is going to happen but the girls I've gone after have somewhat screwed me over when I want to be with them and in one case it took the girl a year and a half and a failed relationship to realize what I was to her and she came crawling back to me. This girl was my first love but when she came back I didn't feel the same anymore. I didn't love her and that was that. We hung out a couple times but other than that I haven't heard a thing from her.

I'm not trying to buy her love either. If I was doing that I would've gone out and bought something really expensive and tried to bribe her to come back to me. All I bought was a t-shirt for a baseball team she likes, nothing else. Like I said this girl was a part of my life for most of the year and that's kind of the person I am. I like giving things to people for the satisfaction of knowing I made them happy, whether that be family, friends, or partners.

I dated this girl for about 8 months. She was away at college when we started dating, she goes to school about 40 mins from where I live. The relationship was great, we did everything together and had a loving relationship. When she went back to school after summer things seemed to change. She didn't talk to me as much, she had more work than before and she wanted to socialize more at school because she hadn't really experienced college. After a rocky point in our relationship she told me things weren't working and she wanted a break. When I asked her why she came to this she said she just needed some space and was really confused right now. It's been 5 weeks and we still communicate every day and occasionally hang out. She says she doesn't see us getting back together because of her own personal issues with relationships. I can't let her go and I still love her. She says she still loves me and that's why she wants us to remain friends. What should I do? Should I leave her alone and hope she comes back or keep being her "friend" as I've been trying to do?
Give it time then it will be the right time

You are right, you could have another go at it down the line, but now isn't the time to worry about it. Stuff like that usually only happens when you AREN'T looking for it to happen. Just move on with your life, and let the rest takes care of itself. You, however, are almost expecting it to happen and are trying to "will" it to happen, in which case, it usually won't. I just want you to protect yourself, that's all.

I know I'm setting myself up for more hurt but I don't know what else to do.

When you don't know what to do, give it some more thought.

You, however, are almost expecting it to happen and are trying to "will" it to happen, in which case, it usually won't.

Yeah I think I am. I've imagined that if we don't talk at all for the next semester of college I'd be the first one to call her over summer to meet up or something and catch up. Looking back at how things have gone it's been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. When the breakup was fresh I had looked to this time as wondered if we would already be back together. We obviously aren't and are in the same situation we started in. I've been doing a lot of the wrong things during this break and I'm learning to not care as much. I would constantly worry about what she was doing when she told me she was at parties and it would keep me up forever. Last week she refrained from telling me she was going to go to a party because she knew I'd worry about it. I need to get to the point where I don't care what she does. So what if she goes out and drinks, so what if she gets with someone else, so what if I never get to love her again. All of these are things that I feared in the relationship and they caused me to be needy and overprotective of her at times, which probably caused the breakup. Do I want her to be with me? Hell yeah I do, but I can't make her be with me, only she holds the power to be with me. Slowly, I'm getting to this point and I know a lot of these scenarios are going to play out this winter break. I just need to sit back and enjoy my own life while she enjoys hers. PERIOD.

Been a little bit of time since I posted on here. Can't say I'm doing very well at NC. I've stuck with not initiating contact with her and that's been fine. She called me a couple times in the past week and we've had very basic conversations about how things are going and how our break is, nothing great really. Well after one of these convos where I said I went to the movies she texted me later on asking if I had done anything with anyone since our breakup. This is the first time she's asked me this question and she said she wanted to know because she thought I might have gone to the movies with a girl. I told her I haven't and that was that. My question is if she was the one that broke up with me why does she care if I'm hanging out with another girl or trying to actually move on. Am I reading into things too much again?

Am I reading into things too much again?

No, but you are letting her plant doubts, false hope, and confusion into your mind. You let her contact you, and continue to rehash this thing again, and again, and you will never heal that way, nor will you make any progress. Have you resolved anything at all?

Your way to available to not be in a relationship don't you think? Bet she still needs her space doesn't she. Give it to her, as I think she is keeping you in the friend zone, until her interests are on something else.

Have you resolved anything at all??

Your way to available to not be in a relationship don't you think? Bet she still needs her space doesn't she.

I haven't really talked to her about the whole situation since the breakup really or when I have I get mixed signals from her that didn't do me any good at all but lead me on and drag my emotions through a blender Any time I want to she gets all defensive and says we've talked about it over and over. Although I know we're broken up, she called it a break and said to just go with it and see where it goes. It's been 2 month and I think for my own good I need to hear her say it's over and there is no getting back together. I'll admit I take any action from her toward me as her maybe showing some interest again or not wanting me to be away. I know I need to just tell her it's all or nothing. Either we cut all contact or we try and work out the problems that caused this in the first place. She's had her time and I've given her her space. I'm afraid of the answer I think she'll give me but I need to do it for my own sake because I've continually held on to the hope that she'd want to reconsider things and try to work out a relationship that we both want.

Okay, I understand, since you can't take subtle hints, and need the pie in the face, go for it.

.... I get mixed signals from her that didn't do me any good at all but lead me on and drag my emotions through a blender ....


Lazzy -

My latest breakup was a week ago and it was fairly cordial, as far as breakups go. But she's already emailed me and put me into the lets-be-friends-zone. It's the kiss of death for the romantic part of the relationship. I've maintained NO CONTACT, and it's hell, cause this is a person I cared about deeply. However, you know what? I care about MYSELF more!

I've been in your shoes dude - I think EVERYONE has at some point. I once tried to reason with my feelings and tell myself "hey... I can be casual with this.. if she wants friends, I can do that..." Uh-Huh. She heals and moves on, while you yearn for something that's no longer there.

Goodbyes are difficult. Goodbyes hurt. We've all been through the emotional blender, and it's not fun.. Save yourself the agony and give her space. Hope you figure things out man!

BTW - Have you looked at Tal's tagline "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs"?

I love that line, and it's true - life's too damn short to waste it with people who can't or won't give back.

BTW - Have you looked at Tal's tagline "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs" ??k.

Yeah I read it the first time I saw it. It's definitely pertinent to my situation and I can say she's not a priority in my life. I hang out with my friends and let her be. I don't butt into her life anymore or ask to hang out. If she wants to do that she can be the one to call me and hang out, otherwise it's nothing. I know I can't be cordial and casual anymore. It's terrible every time I see her. I know my chances are slim to none and 99% sure I'll be like the rest of relationships but I've seen couples go on breaks and get back together, on 4 occasions with just my group of friends. This has instilled the mindset that it's possible for this to work again. I thank everyone for the advice and I have taken some of it to heart. I've seen my friends way more recently and I really like that.

I'll be like the rest of relationships but I've seen couples go on breaks and get back together, on 4 occasions with just my group of friends. This has instilled the mindset that it's possible for this to work again. I thank everyone for the advice and I have taken some of it to heart. I've seen my friends way more recently and I really like that.

About the breaking up and getting back together thing...

I broke up with my ex last year, only to get back together about a month or so later. It was absolute paradise for ummm... like a month, then for the next 9 months the same problems reared their ugly heads, and it became evident we just weren't meant for each other... thus the break up in August.

Whenever couples reconcile and get back together, it rarely works, especially if nothing has changed. Sure, it is cool for awhile, as you over glorify every single facet of your partner, but after some time, you both realize that it just isn't going to work out, and you are only prolonging the inevitable, making it more painful in the end.

In my opinion, the ONLY way couples can get back together once they break up (and have a legitimate shot at making it work), is by taking a LONG break, I mean at least a year or so, where they live their own lives and actually see what it is that makes them happy. A profound change in both persons has to occur, otherwise the same problems pop back up. I am not saying that I think this will happen to me, or to you, but this is why it is best to live your life, and let good things happen to you. You just never know what life will throw at you, and the happier you are with yourself, the more prepared you will be to reap the rewards in the end! Good luck!

I've been through a similar experience... her needing space , etc... her being confused... and all... I gave her space...

All of that just for me to end up feeling used and taken advantage of...

There are too many nice, beautiful woman out there for you to be so hung up over someone that is not in love with you.

Because just like you my ex had qualities that I knew could work in a serious longterm relationship...

And the sad thing is that you are so blinded right now... but you will see the light in due time...

Going off what you said KC, I agree that each person has to change or else yes the same ugly problems usually do come back up. This is going to sound like I'm making excuses but I really do think we spent too much time together and everything sort of got stale. I couldn't accept that she needed a day or so to do something else other than be with me and I was self conscious of what she'd be doing at college parties even though she had never done anything to really lose my trust. Those were my problems in the relationship I believe I can change that and need to change that because that's ruined other relationships I've had too. She had her problems as well and I don't really know if she's willing to fix them or work on them. Either way I know I'm being repetitive but I've seen couples get back together and make it work. For the last couple of weeks I've been living my life and not really worrying about what she's doing, she is ,however, on my mind 24/7 but I think that's just the person I am which no one on here would know anyway. I've come to understand that I can't coax her back into a relationship that she has to be the one to want to be with me and other than that I'm basically helpless.

However, on my mind 24/7 but I think that's just the person I am which no one on here would know anyway.

We may not know you personally, but you can bet the situation, and the feelings, are very well known to us all.

Hey,

I just want to say that, I personally believe that Breaks in a relationship are vital in younger people anywhere from 17 - 23ish area because realistically you don't know what else is out there yet for yourself and you need to experience other people and everything before you truly settle down, does it suck? Yeah, but in the long run it's sure worth it. I feel the older you are you should be in the experienced level already and know what you want and what your looking for and not kid yourself about who and what makes you happy, and once you break up with someone at that age, you know it's over for a reason, and you stick to it.

If my ex didn't break up with me, there's no way I would've learned all the things I've learned or be the person I am today, these things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Love's comical.

I also feel like if you were to get back with the ex, it should almost be a fresh start, not rushed into, basically honestly starting over, dinner, talking, go home right after not go to one another's houses, take it very slow, and creep back into it, I think that's a very important part of the reconcile as well, I see so many people just call me or text what not, hey I'm back with so-and-so and I'm just like I think that's a little fast and they are like who cares, I'm happy and then down the road the same BS happens.

Just my opinion, but what do I know?

Yours Truly,
LCM

Hey,

I just want to say that, I personally believe that Breaks in a relationship are vital in younger people anywhere from 17 - 23ish area because realistically you don't know what else is out there yet for yourself and you need to experience other people and everything before you truly settle down, does it suck? yeah, but in the long run it's sure worth it. I feel the older you are you should be in the experienced level already and know what you want and what your looking for and not kid yourself about who and what makes you happy, and once you break up with someone at that age, you know it's over for a reason, and you stick to it.

If my ex didn't break up with me, there's no way i would've learned all the things I've learned or be the person I am today, these things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Love's comical.

I also feel like if you were to get back with the ex, it should almost be a fresh start, not rushed into, basically honestly starting over, dinner, talking, go home right after not go to one another's houses, take it very slow, and creep back into it, i think that's a very important part of the reconcile as well, i see so many people just call me or text what not, hey I'm back with so-and-so and I'm just like I think that's a little fast and they are like who cares, I'm happy and then down the road the same BS happens.

Just my opinion, but what do i know?

Yours Truly,
LCM

LCM I think you are right overall. My ex was stuck in that 17-23 interval with minimal life experience, I'm 26, and have lived much more than her. Add to that some insecurities, a little bit of confusion, some lack of communication, a pinch of smothering, and a dash of work-related stress -- n you got yourself a recipe for a "break".

I've learned more in the past three weeks about myself and relationships than probably over the course of my 2yr r'ship! If she were to come back to me (as much as I want them to, my hopes haven't died out completely) we would first have to have a looong talk about what we have learned and start to put it into practice... from there we would have to start very slowly, almost as if we started dating, earn the trust again, the friendship, and so on... but yea if the pain of the "break" is still there, than it's unlikely to work.

It's all about fighting the causes that lead to the break individually, and then IF you were to get back together, it just might work... My parents broke up after a 4yr relationship, 4 yrs later, they met again and married after a year. After 20yrs they divorced, but that's another story.

Best not to think of this though... hopes are better kept to a minimum or better yet -- nonexistent.

going off what you said KC, I agree that each person has to change or else yes the same ugly problems usually do come back up. This is going to sound like I'm making excuses but I really do think we spent too much time together and everything sort of got stale. I couldn't accept that she needed a day or so to do something else other than be with me and I was self conscious of what she'd be doing at college parties even though she had never done anything to really lose my trust. Those were my problems in the relationship I believe I can change that and need to change that because that's ruined other relationships I've had too. She had her problems as well and I don't really know if she's willing to fix them or work on them. Either way I know I'm being repetitive but I've seen couples get back together and make it work. For the last couple of weeks I've been living my life and not really worrying about what she's doing, she is ,however, on my mind 24/7 but I think that's just the person I am which no one on here would know anyway. I've come to understand that I can't coax her back into a relationship that she has to be the one to want to be with me and other than that I'm basically helpless.

This is exactly what I DID. And It only hit me after a few days of braking up... I called her up after 5 days and explained to her that I realised all of this things had caused the break and I would work on them---she agreed and asked for time/space. It was probably too late though. The love had already been severely weakened and may never come back.

We ARE helpless to get them back, but not helpless to fix what WE did to affect the relationship. It will help us get better and not make the same mistakes with our next love.

The only thing that matters after a break up is how we handle it, and how WE use it to make ourselves better. Too often I have seen the other person (my ex, for example), jump into another relationship directly after a break up, without even taking the time to find out what makes them happy. Being single for awhile is a must after a long and emotional relationship. It gives us a chance to work on ourselves, and make us a more valuable person overall.

I know what I did wrong in the relationship but I also know she caused a lot of this to happen as well. She wanted me around her a lot of the time and then when she decided she wanted to hang with friends I took it the wrong way and get upset. She told in the beginning of our relationship that her ex took her away from her friends and she let it happen but that she'd never let anyone do that to her again. I didn't act anything like what she told me he did but I think I got her thinking about it and instead of trying to fix it or talk to me she felt we needed to break up so she didn't have to feel guilty about spending less time with me and more with her friends.

I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster but I really only have myself and my hopes to blame for that. It's slowly starting to sink in that this girl doesn't care about me anymore and she only calls me on occasion because she's either bored and not with her friends or because she wants to make sure I still care about her, which might be evident from me always answering and talking to her for 20-30 minutes. I'm still the kind of person that needs to hear things for it to fully sink in so eventually I'm going to grow the balls to actually go to her and sit down and talk to her about everything and hopefully leave it at that. I wish I could just erase her from my head but I can't and it makes the whole things that much worse. UGH!

Just another small question but it adds to my confusion. Any reason why she hasn't taken down any pictures of me and her from her myspace? The only thing she's done after our breakup was change an album name and she moved me down on her top friends list. I know myspace isn't anything big but why would she leave up sooo many pictures of her and I some of them saying "I love this kid" and such. I would think that'd deter any new guy that might be interested in her, I know it would if I was talking to a girl who had 20+ pics of her ex. Just a though, any insight?

Got none for you, as I have learned the hard way not to dwell on what an ex is doing as it gives me false hope and slows my healing process. You wouldn't have to ask if you would stay off the Facebook.

Okay she left it up to ruin any chance at a New Years kiss you had. Did it work, let us know.

Okay she left it up to ruin any chance at a New Years kiss you had. Did it work, let us know.

Not quite understanding this. Do you mean any chance at a New Years kiss with her or with anyone period?

What I meant was your pining away for her, instead of bringing in the New Year among friends, or family and having a great time.

That's why you ignore the exes. They stop you from enjoying yourself ,because your still trying to figure out their thoughts, and actions, instead of your own.

Well I did want to be with her for the countdown but I have no idea what she did and I went to a party with my friends and had my fun time. She texted me happy new years this morning and I can't help but wonder what she did last night even though I know I shouldn't. Still keeping pretty good distance from her but it's not full on NC.

So, today I spent most of the day with my ex. We went out to get food an hour away and then got back to her house and I hung out with her and her friends. Her friends were talking about the recent partying they've been doing and such, which she's told me about, and I couldn't help but feel awkward sitting there. I would sit there and wonder if they were holding anything back because I was there and if my ex had been doing anything and wasn't going to tell me. I know this is what everyone warned me about and that I shouldn't dwell on her because there's no feelings from her anymore and I'm only making my pain and confusion last longer. I can't get up the nerve to have a be-all-end-all conversation with her because I can't let go of her. However, after tonight I've decided I'm going to go through with this and finally get my closure. I'm sure to all of you I look like a pathetic fool and maybe I am. I just have that sliver of hope that she still loves me just a little to try and make it work out. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm terrified of losing her. I'll update with the news when I go through with it. Got to do it with a positive attitude.

So, today I spent most of the day with my ex. We went out to get food an hour away and then got back to her house and I hung out with her and her friends. Her friends were talking about the recent partying they've been doing and such, which she's told me about, and I couldn't help but feel awkward sitting there. I would sit there and wonder if they were holding anything back because I was there and if my ex had been doing anything and wasn't going to tell me. I know this is what everyone warned me about and that I shouldn't dwell on her because there's no feelings from her anymore and I'm only making my pain and confusion last longer. I can't get up the nerve to have a be-all-end-all convo with her because I can't let go of her. However, after tonight I've decided I'm going to go through with this and finally get my closure. I'm sure to all of you I look like a pathetic fool and maybe I am. I just have that sliver of hope that she still loves me just a little to try and make it work out. This is gonna be the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm terrified of losing her. I'll update with the news when I go through with it. Gotta do it with a positive attitude.

She doesn't want to have a relationship with you, don't u get that. What kind of closure are u looking for. You will never be able to get all the answers that you want and even if u get it they won't be good enuf. Really its time to move on.Quit making your life misreable

She didn't want to have a relationship with the guy I was when we broke up. I'm not that person anymore. I know that I've seen my faults, things I had done in other relationships as well, and I know I can work on them with her. I'm aware it's only been two months+ since we broke up but I can't move on from this girl. If by some stroke of whatever happened and we agreed to try it again I'm not expecting it to go back to what it was in the past, not at all. I know we'd have to like feel each other out and basically start fresh. Again I refer back to a previous statement I made in this post that I've seen couples work things out in my group of friends and I want to be able to resolve our problems. Either way I got to ask her everything because that's the kind of person I am. I need to have my questions answered and have solid answers, otherwise my mind runs wild and go through tons of hypothetical situations. (I over analyze a ton of things and did so during our relationship as well. Probably didn't help things)

You can't really change in 2months, the habits that have taken a life time to develop cannot be changes in a short period, and the only reason you are changing is so your ex would take you back.
You say you can't move , it should be I don't want to move on. As tal says Don t ,make people a priority in your life while letting them make you an option in theirs.

You are just setting yourself up for more hurt, sooner or later you will realize you have to let her go.

She didn't wanna have a relationship with the guy I was when we broke up. I'm not that person anymore. I know that I've seen my faults, things I had done in other relationships as well, and I know I can work on them with her. I'm aware it's only been two months+ since we broke up but I can't move on from this girl. If by some stroke of whatever happened and we agreed to try it again I'm not expecting it to go back to what it was in the past, not at all. I know we'd have to like feel each other out and basically start fresh. Again I refer back to a previous statement I made in this post that I've seen couples work things out in my group of friends and I want to be able to resolve our problems. Either way I gotta ask her everything because that's the kind of person I am. I need to have my questions answered and have solid answers, otherwise my mind runs wild and go through tons of hypothetical situations. (I over analyze a ton of things and did so during our relationship as well. Probably didn't help things)

Look mate, you want to be that guy you used to be? Well stay away from her, cut communication and get yourself back. You can only do this by healing, and it's only up to you. If you keep insisting and smothering her you will push her from not loving you--to feeling sorry for you--to her losing respect for you--then finally hating you. You want that?

What more closure do you need then the fact that she doesn't love you as you love her? It's simple. Move on. Let her be. If she wants you back, you will know one day.

Yeah that's true, I don't want to move on. This girl in my eyes is worth all the pain that she's caused me. If she wasn't then I wouldn't be wasting my time with her. She isn't a priority in my life, I like spending time with her and yeah I wish is was a little more than what it's been but I still enjoy the contact I have with her and the times that we hang out. If I'm willing to work on/change my ways I think as long as you realize what it is that's wrong you can start to change it right away. Yeah, you don't just drop those habits but over time they dwindle and might eventually be gone all together.

If you keep insisting and smothering her you will push her from not loving you--to feeling sorry for you--to her losing respect for you--then finally hating you. You want that?

What more closure do you need then the fact that she doesn't love you as you love her? It's simple. Move on. Let her be. If she wants you back, you will know one day.

I don't smother her. I don't initiate any contact with her at all. She's the one that contacts me 100% of the time now. I used to whine and complain to her about why we broke up and all the stuff she was doing that I didn't like but I stopped making myself look pathetic. I have fun without her and she does the same. The times we hang out things have their awkward feel but we have fun together.

I don't smother her. I don't initiate any contact with her at all. She's the one that contacts me 100% of the time now. I used to whine and complain to her about why we broke up and all the stuff she was doing that I didn't like but I stopped making myself look pathetic. I have fun without her and she does the same. The times we hang out things have their awkward feel but we have fun together.

Fine, but are sure you want to be demoted to the Friend-Zone?

I'd say to her: Either you want to get back with me or not. If you just want to be my friend or string me along, then don't talk to me cause I'm worth more that. No chick is worth months or even years of pain when you see her meeting and going out with other dudes. Unnecessary pain? No thank you.

Fine, but are sure you want to be demoted to the Friend-Zone?

I'd say to her: Either you want to get back with me or not. If you just want to be my friend or string me along, then don't talk to me cause I'm worth more that. No chick is worth months or even years of pain when you see her meeting and going out with other dudes. Unnecessary pain? No thank you.

exactly what I'm going to tell her. In the beginning of the break up she's said she knows I don't want another girl and I think that sort of empowered her to think that almost no matter how she treats me I won't leave her and will always be in her back pocket. She's told me she wouldn't be my friend if I got with another girl and I told her the same. That's not a friendship by any stretch of the imagination. That's a main point I'm trying to get across to her. After I got the point she didn't feel the same about me she randomly asked if I had done anything with anyone because she was afraid I had seen this movie I told her about with a girl. Whether she's in love with me anymore she's still scared to lose me to another girl and me forget all about her. It looks like a game and probably is a game she's playing. I've tried being her "friend" and it's gone wishy-washy with it's high points and it's very low ones as well. At times I can handle it and at times it drives me crazy and I come on here and get it off my chest. Each time I think I'm done with it and going to leave it alone she reaches out to me and tries to make things OK again.

Good, you are sort of on the right track. I mean, it's good that you want to send your point across in my view. Many guys here will tell you to stop ALL contact with her--to the point of not answering her attempts to talk to you. They may be right, but you probably won't do that. So if you want to tell her that then do so. It's about you now buddy. You need to get your self-worth back to how it was.

It does seem she cares about you still --who knows in what way-- but she might just be stringing you along, keeping you there as a safety net. Be aware of this though, as it could bring you pain in the future.

The way I see it is... If she really wanted you back, you'd know. But she hasn't so she probably is just keeping you there--playing you.

Fact is, I think you need some time apart. Enough so that you can both live life on your own for a while. Test the waters. After a few months of no contact, you will have a clear head and will be able to see the bigger picture. When the time comes, you will have the power to make the right choice for yourself. So you can feel GOOD about yourself and STOP the pain. Which let's face it's what we are all here for.

I don't smother her. I don't initiate any contact with her at all. She's the one that contacts me 100% of the time now. I used to whine and complain to her about why we broke up and all the stuff she was doing that I didn't like but I stopped making myself look pathetic. I have fun without her and she does the same. The times we hang out things have their awkward feel but we have fun together.

When the lens of perception are clear. Things will appear as they are.

Good, you are sort of on the right track. I mean, it's good that you want to send your point across in my view. Many guys here will tell you to stop ALL contact with her--to the point of not answering her attempts to talk to you. They may be right, but you probably won't do that. So if you want to tell her that then do so. It's about you now buddy. You need to get your self-worth back to how it was.

It does seem she cares about you still --who knows in what way-- but she might just be stringing you along, keeping you there as a safety net. Be aware of this though, as it could bring you pain in the future.

The way I see it is ...If she really wanted you back, you'd know. But she hasn't so she probably is just keeping you there--playing you.

Fact is, I think you need some time apart. Enough so that you can both live life on your own for a while. Test the waters. After a few months of no contact, you will have a clear head and will be able to see the bigger picture. When the time comes, you will have the power to make the right choice for yourself. So you can feel GOOD about yourself and STOP the pain. Which let's face it's what we are all here for.

I have a strong feeling that this is what's going to occur when I have this talk with her. One reason she had for breaking up is that she's going to have a very busy school schedule and just doesn't have time for a boyfriend right now. Well school is going to start again soon and I've almost accepted that we might not talk again until May unless something pops up and she changes her mind or what have you. I agree that she's probably just stringing me along as a safety net but from what I know she hasn't done anything with any guy( a question I plan to ask her). All of these things I want to bring up to her and hopefully I can have this conversation with her soon.

Know she hasn't done anything with any guy( a question I plan to ask her)


What if she has done something.How is that going to make you feel.If you have to convince someone to be with you ,its usually not worth it

know she hasn't done anything with any guy( a question I plan to ask her)


What if she has done something.How is that going to make you feel.If you have to convince someone to be with you ,its usually not worth it

It would depend on what it was. If she was seeing someone else then I'd cut all ties period. If it's not that then I'd go about it a different way. It wouldn't completely shock me if she has done something but I'd be more hurt by the fact she didn't own up to it and tell me. We told each other we'd let the other know if we did anything so the other person would basically stop caring and just move on for good.

We told each other we'd let the other know if we did anything so the other person would basically stop caring and just move on for good.


Been there, done that. Unfortunately, we tend to fool ourselves when we so desperately want things to work out in our favor. Do you REALLY want to know the answer to that question? Be honest, do you REALLY want to know? A good break is in order here, which is what everyone has been saying... I know it's tough, but it'll help clear your head.

Been there, done that. Unfortunately, we tend to fool ourselves when we so desperately want things to work out in our favor. Do you REALLY want to know the answer to that question? Be honest, do you REALLY want to know? A good break is in order here, which is what everyone has been saying... I know it's tough, but it'll help clear your head.

Yeah I want the answer. It sort of falls like this: if she honestly tells me no she hasn't done anything then I'll be happy and leave it at that. If she has done something then I will take that as her actions of completely ending our relationship and not speak to her at all. Like I've said previously I don't contact her anymore and she seems to text or call me every 2-3 days or so it seems. She's asked if I've done anything since our breakup so I'm going to ask as well.

Yeah I want the answer. It sort of falls like this: if she honestly tells me no she hasn't done anything then I'll be happy and leave it at that.

And what if she does say "no"? Then where, exactly, does that leave things for you? It leaves you with the false hope that she still might come back, right? You'll continue to hold out - waiting - dreaming - hoping - grasping for a sign of life that things will pan out. She's already thrown you into the friends-zone, dude.. you said so yourself. Focus on yourself and find someone who REALLY wants to be WITH you, instead of playing these silly friends/not-friends games.

It's just one of the questions I'm going to ask her. If she says yes then it would save me a lot of time and not having to ask her everything else I'm going to. I said I'm going to have a be all end all conversation with her hopefully in the next couple of days. I've gotten my life together. Of course I still think about her like crazy and wish we could just go back in time an change things and get back together, but I'm not grasping on to that as much as I used to. I would fall hard for any words of hope she gave me during the initial break up and now that I don't put myself out there like that and neither does she I've started to move on... SLOWLY.

I've started to move on... SLOWLY.
No you haven't you've just gotten careful. Your still stuck though.

So today has been the worst since the day we broke up. I'm an emotional mess and can't do anything but cry and feel so hurt. It's finally hitting me that it's over and she doesn't love me anymore and has just strung me along for her own healing. While she's on my mind constantly I know I'm nowhere near that in her mind. I went to her house to drop off something I got her a long time ago and I planned to have the conversation I talked about in previous posts. Basically I got there and hung out with her and couldn't pull the trigger to initiate the conversation. So it comes time she wants me to leave because it's late and I do the only thing I could, I leave her a letter I had previously written telling her how I feel and all that. I text her saying I left it there after I left her house and I got no response from her. Right now it's hurting me so much to think that she doesn't even care enough to let me know what she feels on the situation. I didn't expect the note to make her have a revelation and love me again or anything like that, I just wanted her input to the situation. She left for her own mini vacation with some friends and she comes back on Thursday. I know everyone is going to say just leave it at what I did but like I've said in previous posts as well, I want to do this in person and get all my emotions out. Problem with that is I'm a softie ( I can't hold in my emotions, I cry too easily when it comes to talking about the relationship) so I don't know what to do. This is the pain that everyone has been warning me about and for everyone that thinks it won't happen to you, brace yourself because it's the worst I've ever felt emotionally

Right here with you Lazzy. I know it hurts man!! Just let it out, you will be fine!

Yes, we have all been there. It will take time to get over this, but you will. You will be better from this experience and will find how much fun life can be after you get off this emotional rock bottom.

Like I said I left her the letter and she didn't respond but I'm left wanting more from her. I couldn't gain the courage to physically talk to her and she's out of town until Thursday. I was thinking we can meet up (I'd tell her I want to give her some stuff back) and actually talk about things and if she doesn't then it's left at that and I get rid of some tangible reminders I have of her, she made me a blanket which I still have.

Throw that stuff away... you have no reason to keep getting in touch with her. You are searching for excuses to keep talking to her... it is over, time for you to heal man. No more contact!

I would just leave everything as it is right now. Why put yourself through more emotional pain than you need. You already couldn't talk to her before, what makes you think that a week later you will be able to?

You seriously need to take a time out from this and get your emotions settle before doing anything. I think you should take all of the stuff that reminds you of her and put it in a box or in the garbage. Why bother giving the stuff back? Like KC said, you're just looking for excuses for yourself to stay in contact.

If it was that important to her, she would have asked for it.

I'm so sorry dude - it's a tough situation, one in which most of us have been there multiple times (too many for me to count!). I removed all reminders of my ex, boxed them up and got them out of sight. Those reminders will tear you up - cause you'll think about all the memories associated with them, and this will prevent your emotional healing. This coming Sunday will be one month of NC with my ex - trust me, it DOES get better. She's tried contacting me a few times, and I've resisted the temptation to respond. You have to take care of yourself Good luck lazzy, I know it's hard but we're all here for you.

I only want to contact her because I'm searching for answers. I want to know in her eyes why we broke up and why she thought dragging me along for 2 months was necessary. I want to know why she played me like this and why she wouldn't just let me go. I know I should just leave it but the unknown is something that drives me crazy as person! I didn't have the courage to talk to her about it because I was afraid it would be the last time to see her and talk to her and it's really hard for me to stop talking to her and accept that a romantic relationship is OVER with her. So I think no matter what I need to have this conversation with her for my own self and nothing more.

Hey lazzy. You already know that the answer for those questions do not matter. If you knew them, then what good would come out of it? Plus, there's a huge chance she might not know the answers to the question, and you also know this.

Of course, this is one of those things where you will do this independent of what we say. But trust us. It's a bad idea.

Well, ultimately you've got to do what you want to do - nobody here can make you do otherwise, although we can make recommendations. The truth is, you're NEVER going to get the answers you're looking for - not today, not tomorrow, not ever. It doesn't matter how many conversations you have, how happy or sad you are, what the weather is, blah blah. You're just NEVER going to find the truth.

When my 5 year relationship ended in early 2008, for many weeks - maybe months - I felt like I needed to seek her out to find the reasons. I thought I needed answers and closure. With the help of friends, family and the wonderful and candid advice of people on this forum, I've now realized that there are no answers. It was just excuses to make contact, and I'm glad I held out. And... the closure I was seeking was in my own heart.
10 months later, I don't need her for closure - I created it myself.

I only wanna contact her because I'm searching for answers. I wanna know in her eyes why we broke up and why she thought dragging me along for 2 months was necessary. I want to know why she played me like this and why she wouldn't just let me go. I know I should just leave it but the unknown is something that drives me crazy as person! I didn't have the courage to talk to her about it because I was afraid it would be the last time to see her and talk to her and it's really hard for me to stop talking to her and accept that a romantic relationship is OVER with her. So I think no matter what I need to have this convo with her for my own self and nothing more.

Here we go again.Q

I only wanna contact her because I'm searching for answers. I wanna know in her eyes why we broke up and why she thought dragging me along for 2 months was necessary. I want to know why she played me like this and why she wouldn't just let me go. I know I should just leave it but the unknown is something that drives me crazy as person! I didn't have the courage to talk to her about it because I was afraid it would be the last time to see her and talk to her and it's really hard for me to stop talking to her and accept that a romantic relationship is OVER with her. So I think no matter what I need to have this convo with her for my own self and nothing more.

Here we go again. Keep on blaming other people for your mistake. How can she drag you along if you didn't want to be dragged.She didn't play you, you played yourself, everyone here was telling you to go NC but still you don't get the point. What answers are you looking for, and do the answers really matters. She has moved on she does not love you.Your questions are answered. Now whatever like crumbs of your dignity you have left, pick them up and move on

After a few weeks of NC the closure will come from within you not her. As your thoughts start shifting from her on to you, your head will clear from emotions--not completely though, but they will interfere much less. When your head is clear you can draw much better conclusions and see things objectively-- except it's not about her now it's about you.

Right now it's all about "Why did she stop loving me?", "Why has she removed me from her life?", "Does she care about me at all?", "Does she know how much pain I've endured?"... But then, when you let your head clear your questions will be "Why did I let myself be treated like that?" "Why was I crying over a chick that didn't value me?" "Why did I waste so much time trying to get her back?"... This is when you start focusing on yourself and in the future rather than her and the past. Believe me, after a month of NC (except for a two-way txt exchange on xmas and nye) I am at this stage. It feels much better believe me. I can finally have fun, eat, be myself--almost. Go FULL NC and everyday you will feel better and better. I promise. NC works for you.


Leave it there mate. Nothing she says will make you feel better. She hasn't shown much regard for your feelings and every time you see her you only set yourself back and get hurt. You want this again? Get your power back. Save your dignity, you are worth more than that.

Pick yourself from the floor, stand up, dust yourself off, and keep walking without looking back.

Here we go again. Keep on blaming other people for your mistake. How can she drag you along if you didn't want to be dragged.She didnt play you, you played yourself, everyone here was telling you to go NC but still you dont get the point. What answers are you looking for, and do the answers really matters. She has moved on she does not love you.Your questions are answered. Now whatever like crumbs of your dignity you have left, pick them up and move on

Before I posted on here and had the advice of NC we had been broken up for 5 weeks. During this time she said she didn't know what she wanted and that I should just see how things go. She would contact me all the time and basically acted like nothing had really happened, other than we didn't see each other as frequently. Without me saying it she would tell me she loved me and was confused and yes I wanted to believe everything would be OK so yeah I'm to blame too. She couldn't let go of me easily and that's why she wanted to stay "friends" I get that now. By my wanting to get back together and be happy I made her healing process way easier when I should have stuck to my original feeling of "I can't be friends with someone I love".

side story pertaining to above. We broke up on Halloween day and already had plans to go to a party together and she convinced me to still go to the party. To say the least the party was really awkward between us and it lead to us arguing( didn't help we were both drinking). At the party I told her I couldn't be friends with her because I want her as my girlfriend and nothing else, if she doesn't love me why should I stay with someone like that". She talked me down and eventually I said I'd go along with it because she was "confused and didn't know what she wanted at the time" She would repeatedly tell me things to keep me coming back to her and I played along. She probably knew damn well the game she was playing and the piece (me) she was playing with. I hope I had more value than that to her but I honestly don't know anymore. This has all been a learning process you never learn any lessons the easy way. No matter what I do it's going to be hard, I'll never have all the answers but I'd rather have some of them than none at all.

Expat2009, just last week you told me I should at least seek out the answers for my own self-worth. I didn't go through with the plan I originally had but I think now that she hopefully knows the way I feel she can at least give me the benefit of the doubt to sit down, talk to me and let me go for good. I know she still cares about me but it's the context in which she cares, as a friend and loves me as a friend. If she wants to talk to me she has my contact info, I'm not going to seek her out to have this conversation though.

Before I posted on here and had the advice of NC we had been broken up for 5 weeks. During this time she said she didn't know what she wanted and that I should just see how things go. She would contact me all the time and basically acted like nothing had really happened, other than we didn't see each other as frequently. Without me saying it she would tell me she loved me and was confused and yes I wanted to believe everything would be ok so yeah I'm to blame too. She couldn't let go of me easily and that's why she wanted to stay "friends" I get that now. By my wanting to get back together and be happy I made her healing process way easier when I should have stuck to my original feeling of "I can't be friends with someone I love".

side story pertaining to above. We broke up on Halloween day and already had plans to go to a party together and she convinced me to still go to the party. To say the least the party was really awkward between us and it lead to us arguing( didn't help we were both drinking). At the party I told her I couldn't be friends with her because I want her as my gf and nothing else, if she doesn't love me why should I stay with someone like that". She talked me down and eventually I said I'd go along with it because she was "confused and didn't know what she wanted at the time" She would repeatedly tell me things to keep me coming back to her and I played along. She probably knew damn well the game she was playing and the piece (me) she was playing with. I hope I had more value than that to her but I honestly don't know anymore. This has all been a learning process you never learn any lessons the easy way. No matter what I do it's going to be hard, I'll never have all the answers but I'd rather have some of them than none at all.


I went through the same thing you were going through, my ex girlfriend dragged me around for a whole year before I realized that I was nothing but a backup.
So don't repeat the same mistake I made and move on with your life

If we can rescue anything from this terrible situation it's LEARNING. You, everyone here, and I, are learning tons about ourselves and relationships. All this new wisdom will be very valuable in our future relationships. If they are worth it, not only will they last longer but they will be more fulfilling. More fair to us. We will avoid mistakes we've made in the past and benefit from it greatly. I have no doubt most of us will find someone better eventually and will find happiness in ourselves as we heal.

YES, it will be hard. But the fact is, she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. You think she's figured it out by now? How will she know what to answer you if she doesn't even know herself? If you seek closure from her, you will never get it. Why? Because she doesn't want to close it yet. She wants to keep you there at her side for whenever she needs your friendship. What about you? Don't your feelings matter? Anything she says will not only make you feel bad but will confuse you even more and hold you back. What is it you are expecting to hear from her? Be careful with doing this. If it's what you believe go on, but be prepared for pain. And if you go through with it I would advice that you go FULL NC and start working on YOU as soon as you can.

Dwelling on the past will solve nothing--it will not get her back nor let you move on-- so practice looking into the future. Figure out what's next for you. The future is beautiful but you won't get to enjoy it if you are still not over your past. Past is exactly that, PAST.. you cannot change it all you can do is learn from it and use it to your advantage for the future. You will be more prepared than ever to face it.

Whatever happens I hope it goes well, if it doesn't learn from it and use it for the future.

I'll have to play it by ear really. Right now I'd say I'm going to have this conversation with her but when I sit back and look at the greater picture I don't know if I want to. When I play the scenario in my head we talk and I somehow the revelation hits her that I'm a great guy and she was a fool for trying to leave me. Of course I also play the flip-side where she get's pissed and basically has no desire to speak to me anyway(kinda how I feel right now since I got no response from the letter) She would have to reach out to me in a genuine manner for me to set myself up again for the emotional pain I went through today.

You have been feeding yourself false hope for more than 2 months, and still haven't gotten anywhere.

This is all just wasted time of YOUR life... who cares about her life, this is YOUR life. No second chances, no going back. Start NOW and quit with the fairytale, movie stuff. You owe it to yourself to close this yourself, with no explanation from her. Sometimes some things shouldn't be rationalized.

You are not going to get the answers you are hoping for from this conversation you want to have with her.

With all the questions you ask, she will just give you answers that will lead to more questions.

She is confused and will ALWAYS be confused with you around adding to it. The only way to let her sort out her confusion, and your confusion is to stop trying to get closure and move on.

You are going to keep going around in circles in this vicious loop of pain if you keep holding on to something that is no longer there.

Having this conversation with will solve nothing and lead to more questions and more pain.

Look, there are two possibilities here, she either loves you and is just confused by having a lot going on her life or she doesn't love you anymore and is confused because she feels lonely and that makes her want you to be around as a backup.

In either case the best thing for you to do is to let it go. If she doesn't love and you keep looking for answers, she'll always say "I don't know" and you'll be dragged along. It's not that she's a bad person by doing that, but you are letting yourself be dragged and she's going through motions just like you are, and doing dumb things without noticing.

And if she does love you but has just too much going on, trying to get answers from her will just push her farther away from you because instead of being that supporting and understanding boyfriend she used to hang out with, you are being that needy and annoying ex-boyfriend everyone hates to have. And if you try to ask questions, she'll still say "I don't know".

Notice that the answer in both cases are the same. "I don't know". Because in both cases she has a reason to stay with you and a reason not to. In the first case, she loves you but she can't stand you right now. In the second case she doesn't love you anymore but she wants you around to fill that loneliness.

Hence, forget it. Try to get closure yourself. If you can't because you need more facts, fill in the gaps with your imagination and then move on.

Look, there are two possibilities here, she either loves you and is just confused by having a lot going on her life or she doesn't love you anymore and is confused because she feels lonely and that makes her want you to be around as a backup.

In either case the best thing for you to do is to let it go. If she doesn't love and you keep looking for answers, she'll always say "I don't know" and you'll be dragged along. It's not that she's a bad person by doing that, but you are letting yourself be dragged and she's going through motions just like you are, and doing dumb things without noticing.

And if she does love you but has just too much going on, trying to get answers from her will just push her farther away from you because instead of being that supporting and understanding boyfriend she used to hang out with, you are being that needy and annoying ex-boyfriend everyone hates to have. And if you try to ask questions, she'll still say "I don't know".

Notice that the answer in both cases are the same. "I don't know". Because in both cases she has a reason to stay with you and a reason not to. In the first case, she loves you but she can't stand you right now. In the second case she doesn't love you anymore but she wants you around to fill that loneliness.

Hence, forget it. Try to get closure yourself. If you can't because you need more facts, fill in the gaps with your imagination and then move on.

When I read this it really hit me that my situation falls into both cases. I think in the beginning she loved me but she had too much going on in her life and was confused with what to focus on. I think after some time she switched to the other case of not being in love with me, just loving me as a friend, and just having me as a backup because she was lonely. I want to just jump in a time machine and go forward like 5 months so this whole thing can be way behind me and I can get over this. I will say a lot has happened in the 11 weeks since we broke up and thinking in those terms that's almost 3 months now. Either way I'm going to see what direction this goes and just follow it. If nothing happens then it'll be left at what it is. Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

Think about how'd much further along you'd be if you'd just gone NO CONTACT and gotten on with life! Unless you start abiding by, and following the NC rule, you're just going to keep racking your brain & heart over and over again. It's hard, but forget how you felt months ago - it's all gone now. Time to move on to better.. Stop thinking about the past - it'll do nothing for you. Just learn from it and move on, my man...

Reality has GOT to sink in at some point for you...

We have all been where you are. The only way to get better and move forward is not to focus on fixing the past, but to focus on building the future.

Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

This happens to everyone. Face it man, no one walks into a situation thinking it will fail, but doing it anyway. Life (also called the "X" factor) just happens. If it wasn't meant to be, it NEVER will be. Those that force life usually end up dead or in jail. Just face reality as it is, and focus on your future. Who knows what will happen? No one does, and that is the beauty of life, otherwise things would be pretty boring. Eventually, you will have to face reality, and the sooner you do it, the better and more rewarding you will find situations you come across. If, however, you delay the inevitable longer and longer, you will only dig yourself deeper into a whole, that makes it a much more daunting task to dig your way out of.

Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-asked-break-shocked-me-288978-11.html#post1485247)
Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

This might not help, but that's what I thought about all the females I ever dated.

How sick is that?

So I feel you pain buddy, I'm going through the same situation right now. It's easy for us to want to stay friends, but it hurts like hell. Every time you even talk to the ex, you are just ripping off a scab that had just started to heal, and it's not worth it. Happiness comes to our life all of the time. It is a door that opens and closes. The problem is that when that happiness door closes, we stay stuck looking at it for so long, that we don't see the other doors that are opening right in front of our eyes. Letting go is hard to do, but if your going to keep your sanity, then you need to do it. I wrote this down when my break up happened, and it seemed to help a lot:

"Do not dwell on the past and get stuck in the why and how, because you can not change the past. Do not get stuck in the future in the maybes, what ifs, and someday, because you can not manipulate or predict the future. Instead, stay in the moment. The moment is all you have to live for. Be as happy as you can be in the moment that you are in. Accept that moments change in the blink of an eye. When that moment changes, it is the past and don't dwell in it, because it can not be changed".

Hope that can help you a little and give you some insight.

Well to go with the not dwelling on the past and not trying to predict the future I'm going to go about this one day at a time. Today, I don't feel anything and am going NC for the day. As for the rest of the days ahead who knows what I'll do. Each day is going to be different and can bring about something completely unexpected... and no, that's not me referring to her coming back or anything like that.

So last week I had my long awaited conversation with my ex. I must say it was somewhat good and also had it's hard points. I don't know what I went into it expecting but I did get something out of it. It took her saying it was over for good in front of my face for it to really sink in. I also asked what she had done since we broke up and turned out she had made out with two different guys when she was drunk on two separate occasions, one being New Years. That hurt way more than I thought it would and it made me realize that if her making out with a guy hurts that bad how would I feel if she had sex with a guy or got a boyfriend? We finished our conversation and she told me it was up to me whether we still talked and I hadn't decided at that point if I could honestly let go of her.

It was until later on that I thought of other things she's done and I started to dwell on all the negatives she brought to the relationship. She didn't love me and I couldn't change it, why drag my emotions all over the place for someone who doesn't care about me at all other than for their own help and closure? Obviously, hindsight is 20-20 and I wish I had the will power to have just left her at the beginning and I would be a lot better off today than I am. I still think about her all the time and it still hurts me but I know each day will get easier and the less I know about her and see the better I'll be. Time is a slow medication but there isn't anything else.

Also, for all the new users that read this post. I thought I would be the exception and she'd see what she lost in me. Truth is, I'm just a part of the statistic where the relationship doesn't get fixed. Maybe something will happen in the future and maybe it won't, that's the beauty of life, no one knows what life will throw at you at any given time.

We've all been there lazzy. I once, too, thought I'd be the exception to the rule. I know your pain, so do most of us. I know it's hard, but do like we've been advising - improve yourself, surround yourself with friends, and learn to love yourself again! The best thing you can do is leave her be and move on with life!

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted, but I'm glad you're finally starting to get things back on track. Good luck to you!

We have been telling you all along. Move On. Hopefully now you have realized this

Keep your chin up and keep on going with NC. She is the one that's losing out in all of this, its just that you both haven't realised it yet.

Now you have the facts, and can make a good decision for yourself, and as hard a pill as it is to swallow, it will get much better.

So I got introduced to a really cool girl and I was looking for advice on how to go about a new relationship. Too early to jump back in? Should I just try and be friends with this girl and nothing else? I know I just emotionally let go of my last relationship but it's been over for 3 months in real time. If this girl shows any interest what would be wrong with attempting a new and fresh relationship?

STOP!!!

You don't need to latch on to anyone to have fun!

Think fun, one date at a time and with as many people as possible.

Are you crazy?? Relationship?? Forget that, your setting up a false standard for yourself!

P.S,
Excuse me for laughing, but you have to see the humor in thinking about a relationship before you have had a few date. Haven't you had enough attitude adjustment? Listen to the T-Man on this one, and just relax, and enjoy yourself, and your freedom for a while.

So I got introduced to a really cool girl and I was looking for advice on how to go about a new relationship. Too early to jump back in? Should I just try and be friends with this girl and nothing else? I know I just emotionally let go of my last relationship but it's been over for 3 months in real time. If this girl shows any interest what would be wrong with attempting a new and fresh relationship?

I think it was a couple of days you were telling us you could not live without the girl who broke up with you and now this. Have you gone nuts. Try being single for a while, its not as bad as people make it out to be.

OK, I was getting WAY to far ahead of myself with that one. I just want to go on a date, which for me doesn't happen all that often. I'll admit I want someone to take my mind off my ex.

If your not dating to have fun, without high expectations, don't do it!

So I have a question about the NC process. It's been 2 weeks of full NC and basically 3, she drunk texted one night and I replied because I was also somewhat drunk. Even with all the resentment I have towards her she runs through my mind all day. I can't turn it off. I was wondering how others dealt with the NC process and how long it took them to fully let go.

To fully let go... probably 4 months. It is different for everyone. You cannot compare your progression to another person's progression, as usually you will find yourself way behind. What matters is that you get through this. The entire process is about growth, and learning, and understanding. Two weeks is NOTHING, believe me. It takes a lot longer than that. Just keep plugging away. You can't just rid yourself of emotions for another person... it takes time, commitment, and most of all... PATIENCE.

Personally, four months is very quick, in my opinion, to get over a nearly 5 year relationship. I gave myself to the end of 2008 to mope over this. Once January 1st, 2009 came around, I just refused from then on out to do this to myself. This is life man. It really is. It is too short to sit around and regret things that happened, and too full of great experiences not to take chances. You will pull through, trust me. My progression was stunning. I was a crying baby when I first came on here. But, thanks to the many people whom rushed to help me, I have overcome that.

Yeah I know 2 weeks is nothing, it just really sucks some days. I've been keeping myself as busy as possible but there's those times when I'm sitting at home and then I think about the past or nights when I dream about her. A part of me feels like I'll always wonder what could have been with her because she was my first real relationship and someone I feel hard for. Either way I know what I have to do and like you said I'll keep plugging away and enjoy myself the best I can.

So for anyone that still may be reading this I have a question. How many people on this site have relapsed. By this I mean how many people had a second go with their ex. I'm not looking for this answer to give me any hope but I would like to know how it went for those that did try again with their ex and if issues that caused the original breakup caused another or if it worked out for the better. Thanks

Got back together with my ex... lasted for 8 months, then broke up last August... and yes, the same issues arose.

so for anyone that still may be reading this I have a question. how many people on this site have relapsed. by this I mean how many people had a second go with their ex. I'm not looking for this answer to give me any hope but I would like to know how it went for those that did try again with their ex and if issues that caused the original breakup caused another or if it worked out for the better. Thanks

I had a so called "relapse". She broke up after 6 and a half year into the relationship, I followed her around for a whole year. Did everything I could to get her back. That had to be the worst year of my life. We started dating again, she broke up with a couple of months ago .

She basically had the same issues she had when she broke up with me the second time around.If I had just gone NC the first time around, I would not be on this website now.I also learned that she was dating other guyz while she was keeping me around as a backup.Its not a great feeling to know that you are a backup for someone yo love dearly.The relationship was not as great as my mind had made it up to be the first time we broke up.My ex was not saint as I had made her out to be.

I am sure giving it a go with your ex works for some people, but it did not work for me.

Adding to my last post question: did the reconcile happen pretty fast after the initial breakup? Had you moved on? And who came back to who?

Took a year.She broke up with me and then she came back to me kind of guess.

What the heck is the use of asking these question.Even if your ex comes back it probably won't work.Get over her, there are a lot of fish in the sea

I know I know, believe me I'm trying. It's been 6 weeks of NC now but I'm definitely nowhere near getting over her. I can't just flush everything from my head as much as I'd like to. Some of the questions are just because I'm curious. It helps me out to come back here every couple of weeks and ask new questions that are on my mind. I want to know about other peoples situations and how they worked out so I don't play the fool in my next relationship.

Don't worry about playing a fool in your next relationship, but more worried about playing the fool to yourself...

Its been almost 13 to 14 weeks of nc here, and I am nowhere near getting over my ex either, but the pain and hurt you are feeling now is a lot better compared to what you will feel by talking to her.

Your doing well lazzy! Keep up the good work. See how you feel in another 6 weeks. Go and keep asking whatever questions you need. By the time you get to the 3 month mark, you will be feeling even better about yourself than you do now.

I'd be lying if I said I don't want to talk to her but I definitely realized a long time ago she doesn't want to talk to me in the same way and if we did talk it'd be pointless. I haven't ruled out talking to her sometime in the future but like I learned on here, I can't bask in the what-ifs and maybes. If it happens I'll handle it at that time and if not than I'll be much better off.

So I got a message from my ex last night on myspace. Nothing special but it said "I know I promised you I'd leave you alone and never talk to you again but do you have my microsoft office thingy?" How do I go about this without taking too many steps back with my no contact? She's about to start her spring break, I know this because I know other people that go to her school. Advice is greatly appreciated

Delete the message... you never got it!

What message??

She is just searching for ways to snake herself into your life...

If you have her stuff, tell her yes, ask for her mailing address and mail it to her.That's it. Don't ask her how she is doing etc etc Keep it short and professional.
Good Luck

I took a whole day to sit and wait to open the message because I didn't want to mess myself up. Another question is have I fallen back because I opened it and for a little time allowed myself to think she wanted to talk to me? I can't think of any reason she'd even need it. It's the most random thing she could have asked from me.

If you have her thingy, send it to her with no comment or fanfare! If you don't have it... Delete, ignore, move on!

I do have it, guess I'll have to see what or why she wants it.

I took a whole day to sit and wait to open the message because I didn't want to mess myself up. Another question is have I fallen back because I opened it and for a little time allowed myself to think she wanted to talk to me? I can't think of any reason she'd even need it. It's the most random thing she could have asked from me.

Don't read too much into it.You have her stuff, she wants it backs. That's it to the whole story

but I've had it forever, it's just so random that she decides to ask for it now. We've been broken up for 4 months now and why would she need this program midway through school? Although I typed all these questions out I'm trying not to read into this too much.

This is going to be a vent session for me. I haven't heard anything from her about the Microsoft office thing so don't care about that. Today was just a bad day for me and I'm going to whine/vent on here. Ever since we broke up all this girl has done was party. No biggie other than when we dated she said she was over partying and that she didn't like drinking anymore. Now, when I hear about her all I see is that she's getting wasted all the time and partying like crazy. The fact she's partying doesn't bother me, it's the fact she put on a façade when she dated me that she was over partying and then once she got bored with me kicked me to the curb so she could go back to partying and being free. I feel so used and played and so dumb for still caring. I shouldn't even think about someone so cold and heartless towards another's feelings but I have yet to shake her out of my head. Today was one of the worst nights since our breakup and I'm sorry if I sound like a little b***h.

Now, when I hear about her all I see is that she's getting...

Stop hearing about her. That's as bad as talking to her.

^Exactly! When people bring her up, you need to shut them down immediately. They should understand what you are going through. You need to tell them that you do not want to talk about her when you hang out with them.

This may also be the time to try and find new friends that have no idea who she is. That way when you hang out with them, they will not bring her up.

Either way Tal is right. Hearing about her is just as bad as talking to her. I remember back a couple of months ago, I heard how my ex was partying it up and whatever. It hurt no matter if it was her telling me or our friend telling me. From that point on, I made my friend agree not to bring her up anymore. To this day she doesn't and we can hang out together with out drama (at least on my end).

Yeah I've realized that seeing what she's doing shouldn't be imortant to me and that it is just as bad as talking to her. Yesterday was a perfect example of how I don't want to feel about this whole thing. If she's partying it up, I shouldn't care. I got some work to do yet but I hope this gets better by summer time

It will get better. Just keep moving forward.

So it's been a while since anything has been posted on here. Just updating that I've now been NC for almost 3 months now (minus the emails about her software that I have) I'm doing pretty well but I can't say I'm definitely over her yet. I want to be over her because I know she's over me but I can't seem to forget about her all together. I still find myself thinking about her throughout my day. Will this persist until I find someone else? Not necessarily in the relationship sense but a girl who gets my attention and interest. Just more questions, any help is greatly appreciated.

You never really forget someone you get attached to, but the thoughts don't hurt as much, with time. Another partner, may not be what you want as far as your feelings go, but after a while you'll deal with your feelings better, and won't just dwell on them as much, especially if your doing other things for yourself.

Healing is a slow process, so don't be impatient or worried that you still have those times when youe ex haunts you a bit. That's what memories do, as they fade away.

I think the "break" is needed when two people don't know where their relationship is going. Think of it like the brakes on a car, you use them before proceeding, or taking a turn for the better, or worse, and hopefully way before you get totally lost.
My boyfriend found me when he was "on a break" with his now ex-girlfriend.

Yeah I'm not really looking to be in any relationship but what I really miss is the feeling of knowing I could talk to someone about anything at anytime and they'd be there for me. I miss having that connection with someone.

Another thing I can't let go is something her mother said right after we broke up. She said that we should be on a break and meet up later on down the road because we got too serious too fast. Is this another thing I need to ignore and just forget about because it really doesn't mean anything? I feel like I already know the answer

yeah I'm not really looking to be in any relationship but what I really miss is the feeling of knowing I could talk to someone about anything at anytime and they'd be there for me. I miss having that connection with someone.

Another thing I can't let go is something her mother said right after we broke up. She said that we should be on a break and meet up later on down the road because we got too serious too fast. Is this another thing I need to ignore and just forget about because it really doesn't mean anything? I feel like I already know the answer

Pay no attention, nor devote any feeling towards this... it is a truly stupid response to an otherwise sad ending and it lets some of her own guilt about this out.

No one can predict the future, but you can predict the odds of certain things happening. If you are a fan of reality, and aren't consumed by emotions, you will see the odds aren't high on this happening.

I haven't put much thought into it but it's definitely sitting in the back of my mind. Her mom loved me which I why I couldn't just brush it off so easily. My ex was the only person I ended on bad terms with but all in all that's the only one that really matters.

I know this is going to come across as me looking for a sign or a glimmer of hope but this is meant as a general question. Does anyone think that separation is necessary and there is such a thing as "not the right time" in a young relationship. Young age seems to be a time of selfishness from what I've seen so I'm just curious to hear others input. Thanks

Does anyone think that separation is necessary and there is such a thing as "not the right time" in a young relationship.
That's the reality of it. As we grow and change, and learn to define ourselves, and how to cope with our feelings, in this new world of adulthood, we make some decisions based on feelings and not facts. That's why letting go of the past is so hard, not just with romantic partners, but friends we have known since early childhood. Yeah, it sucks, but these are the adjustments we must make, as we find our own niche in life.

Young age seems to be a time of selfishness from what
Early adulthood is when you go through many growing pains, as when you're a teenager your body, and hormones change greatly, and after high school, your mind starts changing into you being an independent adult.

That's what its all about, those growing pains, and learning to deal with the changing world around you.

This is where you gain your experience that will define your life, they way you live, and how you deal with others.

Yeah I agree with everything you said tal. I'd much rather have gone through this now and get some experience under my belt then to go through it at a harder time in my life. I am hopeful to notice signs earlier and to make my decisions based on facts and not feelings. At the least, I must learn from everything I've gone through in the last 6 months to better myself for the future.

Been almost a year since I've posted on this story. I stayed NC with my ex for quite some time. Around may of last year I started to hit the dating scene again and to make a long story short, was contacted by my ex right when I was starting to "talk" to a new girl. Nothing serious but I had to chuckle and the timing of it all. So, I went along and met up with her and sort of "buried the hatchet" so to speak with her and it was good to not feel any resentment or ill will towards her anymore. Now I've been in a great NEW relationship with a different girl and it's going way better than my other one. I might start coming on here frequently again and giving advice to all the lonely souls who are going through what I went through and hopefully help someone out. That's what this site is all about anyway, right?

Sounds like you never worked through your jealousy problems. I never read this whole thread, but I seen your other thread about jealousy. I hope you get this worked out for your new relationship.
I use to be the jealous controlling type, and a lot of the men on this site that post probably were too! That is how most probably got here right, being jealous and pushing there gf's away! So they come post there stories here looking for help.
I will tell you how I got over my jealousy controlling issue. I was always afraid if they went out and I wasn't there, they would end up cheating on me with a guy that ended up hitting on them.
Well now I don't even care if they do! If they cheat, I will most likely find out, then I can get rid of her! I would rather find out she is a cheater before we getting married anyway! I actually love when they go out now, now I get some time to myself, get to work on my hobbies, hang with friends, go fishing, etc.
Best thing to do, is to keep busy when there out. I trust my girlfriend completely, because every action she has showed towards me, proves that she is trusting, so I will never question anything that she wants to do, it is her life, and when she is happy doing what she loves to do, guess what is also happy? Our relationship!
If every time your girlfriend wants to do something that doesn't envolve you, and she has to answer to you, and your 20 questions, and arguing, it is not going to be fun, and when she is out, she will most likely be upset with you, and much more prone to cheating with another guy because you are driving her away.
When she knows she has a good guy at home, who trusts her completely, she is not going to want to break that trust and do something stupid. She is just out to have fun.
Its nice getting away from your partner sometimes, if you don't feel this way, then you need to change your life!
Your life should not just be about your girlfriend.
You should be almost just as happy when you are not with her.

You should be so happy with your life, that is why you have a girlfriend, to share each others happiness!

If you are both happy without each other, you will have a much happier relationship together.

If you find that you are always getting jealous with your girlfriend, then I would evaluate your relationship. If she is always making you jealous, really think about what she is doing? Is it really something to be jealous over? Has she gave you a reason not to trust her?
If you can't trust your girlfriend, you should just be single until you can learn to trust. A relationshp WILL NEVER work if you can't trust.
So I sure hope you have delt with this issue!

Good job man! This shows that for every end there is a new beginning.

dynocompe, I think I have dealt with the jealousy issue for the most part. I like doing things without my girlfriend and I don't mind when she goes out with her friends. She hasn't done anything that would cause me to distrust her. I definitely have done a lot of reflecting on the matter and seen that I was wrong in my actions just as much as my ex was and that's why we didn't work out. As you said jealousy never works in a relationship and it killed ours. Hope some people take the time and read my whole thread and I hope it helps people going through the same problems I went through

That's good, it's a hard thing to come over! Probably was much easier when you see what it does to a relationship first hand!

It seems you have learnt from your experiences-well done!

Wishing you happiness in your current relationship!

I don't feel like posting a new question so I'll ask it here and hope people will answer. Has anyone here become at least civil with an ex? Like to say you don't hate their guts and if you happened to see them in the street you would genuinely say hi.

I say jump in that time machine.

Punch in FUTURE, whatever date.

You will find yourself without her & happy.

I wouldn't worry about those things.

That means you still care. She doesn't. Remember that.

Fantasy at this point.

Get on with yourself first, then you will know exactly what to do.

You may surprised that it doesn't even matter.

Did you mean if you see her arm & arm w/her new boyfriend? Hehehe...

Did you mean if you see her arm & arm w/her new bf? hehehe...

If this were to happen I really wouldn't care. I probably wouldn't say hi either but it wouldn't affect me in any manner. More than likely I'd be walking with my girlfriend anyway.

That means you still care. She doesnt. Remember that.

Fantasy at this point.


I guess I also had a question from your thoughts. Last year, about 5 months after we stopped talking to each other completely my ex sent me a long apology email. So does this mean she doesn't care? I don't mean in a relationship sense by any means. To not care, to me, would mean she wouldn't bother sending me such an email and just left it at what we left it at. Again, I am not asking this for signs of us making a comeback, this is to answer my earlier question of being civil with the girl and not feeling awkward doing so.

One mistake we always make as humans, is assuming the thoughts, and motives of others.

Its more a signal to YOU of your confusion than anything to do with them. Take it for what it is, an apology, and look no further into it, as she said her peace and that's it.

A break up isn't a signal she doesn't care, but not enough to see a future of romance with you. Take it for what it is and leave it be.

Trying to analyze a 5 month old email is futile at this point, because then, as now, you're grasping at any shred of hope that her feelings are as yours, and they are not, she is looking forward, and your going through the motions on looking forward, but you still are stuck over this.

No one can avoid awkward moments, it like everything else you encounter in life, its how you deal with it that counts and how well you have developed your coping skills that get you through this.

Break ups are seldom about the break up, or the person you broke up with, but always about how you deal with them.

You learn a lot about YOURSELF, your strengths, hopes, and weaknesses, and how you deal with the world and COPE with what your going through.

Relax, and live, and be honest with yourself, and cope with reality, whether it's a break up, or some other thing that life throws at you.

OK, I guess my asking that question is going to be taken as me caring about her and pining for something from her. I understand that and have to take it and the advice given at just that. I think I see that you can't hope for anything in the future or wonder what certain things "mean" or don't mean. Just take what's given to me in the simplest of forms and don't over think anything.

I have always been one to over analyze things and seems like I'm doing it again here. It's the same thing I did in the initial breakup and what ended up destroying me during and after the whole process. I will admit I have taken certain things way out of context but I hope I can learn from this and not repeat myself again and again.

That's called learning, and something you will do your whole life. You learn (get the facts, not just the feelings), and make adjustments to the situation to get through it, in a positive way.

Boiled down by Tal. Yes.

I was actually thinking about that very thing tonight as I was on the site.

About how we overthink & why.

In the creative I do, career wise, I deal with that issue everyday.
Always stems from the same things, anticipation, anxiety, unsurity, wanting to rock while making others thoughts your own, etc.. etc.. etc..

Sometimes we have to just let it be. Remove the noise.