So, to cut a long story short, my ex and I had been together for almost two years. The 8 months of those were as a long distance relationship... which naturally had its ups and downs. It all came to a head when she couldn't get a professional job where I lived (thru no fault of her own and I accept that decision).

I now know that that wasn't the only reason... she really didn't move down because she wasn't attracted with me and didn't want to be with me... even if she could hide that behind the façade of not being able to get a job.

Anyway... we have been broken up for almost months now... and it has sucked. For the first two week we weren't really broken up... still telling each other how much we loved each other, still talking every night, kept our Facebook relationship status the same... but then she hooked up with some other guy (the same guy as I had suspected earlier no doubt) and it all changed...

Instantly I became that needy horrible guy trying to convince her to come back to me, and show how much she had hurt me. Needless to say it didn't work.

Anyway... I stopped doing that. She came crawling back to me somewhat but found another guy to make her feel better anyway... she is still seeing this guy although I am not meant to know about it.

I suspect she is going to tell me about him this week... we always said we would tell each other if we found something serious... which I suspect this guy might me on some level, although I know she is justing using him to ease her break up pain.

So... I know she is just stringing me along at least to some point... she is keeping me as as back out plan for when it falls through with this guy, she is weaning herself off me...

So I expect this week she will announce her relationship with this guy to me... and this is my plan:

When she tells me I will send her an email along these lines:

Victoria:

"I respect your decision to be with someone else. In fact, I am happy for you. For some screwed up reason I still consider you to be my best friend... so all I want is you to be happy. I hope this new guy makes you as happy as I made you.

But... I want you to respect my decision...

I do NOT want you to email me. I do NOT want to hear from you. I do NOT want you to text me or call me. I do NOT want to see you over Xmas and New Years.

I know this will be hard for both of us. But it is the way it has to be.

I am not saying I never want to hear from you again... but I need you to respect my decision to move on from you.

Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try. This window of opportunity will not be open forever... I am not holding my breath anymore.

I need to cut you out of my life so I can heal. I am not saying that we do not ever have a future together... maybe we do... but at the same time I have to get along with my life.

I will give you one chance right now... if you don't believe this is the right way to go, you can respond to this email and let me know how you feel about "us". Otherwise, I am sorry, but this is the way it has to be... "

What do you think??

I will also add that this means I do NOT want her coming to my brothers wedding... which she has said she would still like to do... in spite of her having a new man (which, again, I am not meant to know about)

OK and maybe I will also mention that we need to go NC so that we can both experience what it will be like not having each other in our lives... or should I let her find that out for herself?

Best not reply to the email and go NC straight away.

Good job. Make sure you mean what you say, and you say what you mean. Be committed to follow through with your words and do exactly what you said you would do. Not only will she respect you more, but it will also empower you, and restore some of yourself esteem and dignity.

That's the thing... its a mostly mutual break up, although its her doing overall. I can't just not reply to her emails... we were meant to go through this amicably and just ignoring her is not the right way to go. I can now see that there is a 95% chance we won't get back together... but I can't ignore that 5% and just cease contact altogehter...

To be honest, your barking up the wrong tree the wrong way.

You broke up months ago, and she has been doing her thing, and that's all well, and good.

Don't play at moving on, by pretending to be friends, when you have been holding on to false hope for a long time, or else you would have accepted the break up, and moved on by now as she has.

Go NC, and be busy, and unavailable and do your own thing, like you should have been, and forget the feel good drama, of explaining yourself, to yourself, as I doubt she cares what you do.

Just my opinion, but there is something dishonest, about the tit for tat strategy, your cooking up.

Even as a stranger I can see what you're up to with that... sorry but she will know exactly what you're doing... its more manipulation and I suspect its part of what caused your break up in the first place. Just decide to stop playing these games with someone. No Contact is about you.. not her. Its about you healing in a safe environment that is free from the pain the ex can bring to you. Trying to use No Contact this way won't work. Of course a lot of us who try No Contact have in the back of our minds that we want to get our Ex back... that's just honest... but deep down we know it probably won't work that way and you slowly realize that as the days go by without contact... it gets easier.

I hope you can reflect deeper about this relationship and what you and she did wrong. Let her go and move on. I don't think you mentioned your age but I suspect you're older than a teenagers... so I would suspect you really need to start doing the adult thing. Good luck!

Thanks Talaniman. I see your point. It has been about 2 months since we broke up.

I am going NC. But she is the one emailing me... baiting me. Saying that she would still love to come to my brothers wedding, if I will have her.

She's the one who emailed me saying "you are still my best friend and I still think about you every day"

Do I just simply not respond? I don't want to seem like I am bitter and twisted about all this. She thinks I am doing perfectly well... which in some ways I am. I have learnt some huge lessons about myself, and about what went wrong in our relationship.

She does care what I do... thats why she is always the one to email me and ask me about my day/week/weekend. Saying that she wants to hang out this (Southern Hemisphere) summer over the new year.

I can see that its probably unlikely we will get back together again... but to a large degre the reason we broke up is because of the long distance thing. If we had been living in the same city we would have weathered this... although I can now see that eventually we would have had all these issues to go through anyway, so its good it happened now.

I guess I am preparing for her to drop this bombshell to me that she has a new boyfriend. Its been two months... but its still fresh for both of us and I know she hasn't healed either. Which is why this guy is around.

So my question is what do I do when she tells me... maybe the whole dramatic email thing is not right. But it would get it said.

Hello there :)

Speaking from a guy that has had a few long distance relationships

And one that is. In one right away. I must say I can emapthies with what you are going threw.

It is tough! That's for sure. But you must not blame yourself.

Yeah when she went with the other guy and you became needy and wanting her back.
You do know that was PRIDE getting the best of you

Its like how can she leave ME! For that guy!
Most of us do that

But you sound like a very smart man. You understand your mistakes and are willing to make an effort to fix them!
Which can I say is a breath of fresh air!

I have spent a few weeks bashing some heads on a wall trying to get them to understand that NO CONTACT

Is for You. And your time to heal!
You don't need this women in your life.
Would you really want someone that with all due respect
Goes and sleeps around just to make her self feel better?

You did not break the deal here. She did. So delet her from your life
Trust me it is the only way to go
It will suck for the first few weeks

But in time you will get better and better.
Not only that.
It gives you self respect and pride when you cut someone off like that.


Don't give her any more chances man. Just drop her. You know it is the right thing to do
I can read it. In what you typ

Best of luck

But she is the one emailing me... baiting me

You are the one allowing it, and are the one putting her first before yourself. Your strategy is based on fear, and false hope, and you need to just focus on you, and to hell what she is saying.

How can you get dumped, and still kiss her butt????

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!

Ok, so here is an example of what I get sent via email at work:

Hey Russ,

How did your weekend go? Sorry I never transferred that money. I completely forgot and then got loose in town on Friday and spent like over $150. So guts. Also, just thought I should let you know that I got a B for my research project…all my results are out now and I have a GPA of 6.8 so I guess that means I get second class first division!

Went to Kanye last night with Sarah, Richard, Mike, Nick etc. Was awesome :-)

Oh and I met Susie on Friday night…nice lady. Good fun!

... so all those people above are my friends, or my friends girlfriends. This is the kind of email I generally get. It's a difficult one not to respond to .

Bear in mind that I willl be seeing her over the next few weeks over Xmas and New Years. Also bear in mind that she has a new boyfriend that she has not told me about...

I think I want to go 100% no contact... but how do I tell her? And should I wait until after Xmas?

I don't want to maniputlate... but how does this short and sweet email sound.

"Victoria,
This isn't working for me. I need to heal and I can't do that if we keep on emailing each other. I need this time apart. I hope you understand.

Russ."

Hi Empty cans, you know what I won't bother sending that at all, just go NC. V simple. I have thought of doing the same- like a million times a day and I have written god knows how many letters, emails- saying how I never want to her from him again etc... which at the end I email to one of my friends- or I will post it here instead... I was also in a distance relationship, and was about to get married when I accidentally found out here was cheating- We were together for 9 years. So I can understand you feelings, its v hard. I have learnt that the more information you give to your ex- the more they will play. Walk away= e he/she is not playing no more. It is important to do this as this way one can start to think for oneself and in effect start to heal bit by bit. It is not easy- v v hard, as I struggle v much but I am trying v hard to do it as I have to do it for me, even though I miss my ex v much and to this day we have not had a chat about what happened.

I think I want to go 100% no contact... but how do I tell her? And should I wait until after Xmas?

Just do it now, busy and unavailable.

Look, I actually liked the idea of sending that first e-mail. If, as you said, you were good friends and the break-up was amicable, I think your ex isn't understanding what this break-up is for you, and that after reading the e-mail she'll leave you alone.

But after sending the e-mail you need to mean what you wrote. And if she ever tries to get back, be polite and nice, answer, but don't jump back fast. Make her work for it. Although chances are you'll never hear from her again.

Of course, it could also be that she's playing you. But you are the one who knows her and I think if you are honest with yourself, you'll know what's the deal with her.

I would rephrase the e-mail, though, removing all the references to her new life or whatever. Just tell her you want her best, that it's over, that you need to move on and that if she hopes to have you as a friend in the future she needs to let you go now.

Remove the part about "window of opportunity" and that you are not waiting, or that you will give her one last chance. She already knows what's going on.

This message is not about her. It's about you.

If I were you I would go NC straight away. Don't bother explaining yourself, she won't listen anyway. You know why? Because she is only thinking of herself. The reason she is contacting you is a way of staying in the picture, not letting you take her out of your mind. Im sorry if Im harsh but I've had to deal with this sort of behaviour for 5 months now. I went NC since the 2nd week and never answered any of her calls or emails. Since then I have only once broken NC and that's because she tricked me into it (she was waiting outside my house). I know it is the only way for me to sort my thoughts out and it really worked.

I can't handle this anymore.

I can't handle this friend bullsh*t which she is feeding me…I am being so screwed over by her. Feeding me all this sh*t whilst she is f**king another guy…sending me emails asking me how I am and stuff, how my weekend was. I wish she just had the courage to tell me that she has met someone new rather than giving me all this false hope.

I can accept now that we will probably NEVER EVER get back together. And even if we did it would never be the same because I would always know in my heart that she can move on with me and leapfrog into another relationship at the click of her fingers. She has betrayed me. All that "I want to be with you forever" stuff was just crap. If she actually loved me and wanted to be with me then she should would be with me…instead she has hurt me like I never knew I could be hurt.

I don't think I can be friends with her. Not now. Not while I'm trying to heal and pick up the pieces of my life. The only reason she contacts me is because she feels guilty and wants to let me down slowly so she doesn't feel so bad about her self. And once she's finished letting me down slowly she will walk away and never contact me again.

I really don't know what to do. I am waiting for her to tell me about this guy…but she doesn't seem to want to. This is in spite of the fact that we said we would tell each other if someone else came along…

I don't know whether I should see her over Christmas/New Years and just tell her then that this whole friend think just isn't working. The only way I will move on is if I have zero contact with her. That would even mean deleting her as a friend from Facebook. I just don't want it to seem like I am being childish.

It will undoubtedly be the hardest thing I have ever done…but maybe its what I have to do.

Maybe I just shouldn't see her. Period. Not reply to her emails. Not reply to her texts or chats. Not answer if she calls me.

OR do I just ride this out. Things will fizzle out with this guy, that is a given in my eyes. Do I keep letting her bait me with these bullcrap emails asking me how I am and I reply saying I am fine…and being the nice guy and do my best to just move on and keep her on the back burner.

I guess I just don't want to burn my bridges with her completely…but the hard thing is maybe that is what I have to do.

She isn't deserving of your attention. She isn't even worthy of your pain. No contact. Do it... stick to it. Tell her to not contact you anymore. I know its hard. Do you see the pattern? She's using you to feel better about everything while she gets to have fun and feel fine. You on the other hand feel used and hurt.

I am struggling with no contact right now. I know you've done it before and I think you know what you need to do. Remove yourself from the pain she's bringing to your life. When you're away from that pain... you can then deal with the pain that is coming from inside you... and it'll be easier because she can't hurt you anymore.

Say good bye to her. Move on. It's hard... its painful but it must be done.

If you don't go NC and cut her completely out of your life don't expect a change in her attitude or the pain you feel. This is not a game, its your own good that's at stake here. Don't let her drag you through the gutter and then dump you at a worst position than you are now. SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF!! Cut her off and burn those bridges. Just drop off the face of the earth for a while, or for as long as you need to bring balance to your life.

You need to stay focused and not let her interfere with your healing process in any way. She is NOT part of your life anymore. Time to accept it! Don't wait to find out about this guy, that will just hurt a million times more. Ive been there and honestly hope that I will never have to go through something as painful in my life. Stay strong!

I give in. No contact is going to be initiated as of right now. I will keep you all posted.

No contact is a very serious technique that I'm currently really struggling to do... winning most the time. If you aren't sure why you need to do it... read these:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-contact-rule-46556.html

Should I Contact My Ex? Things You Should Know (http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/should-i-contact-my-ex-things-you-should-know-488750.html)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

I have read these basically a million times over the last week or so... and it always reminds me why I'm doing this... its so easy to forget.

I think the hardest thing for me is going to be when she emails... and I will find it hard not to respond. I have been very good at not being the one initiating the contact.

Also... she owes me $500 which I would quite like back. I think when she does email I will just keep it very brief... say I am busy and that I would appreciate she start paying off the money. She was supposed to pay half of it last week, but "forgot".

Its funny how girls seem to react so much on instinct in a break up situation... everything she has done is actually so predictable on so many levels... leapfrogging into a new relationship... emailing me and filling me with false hope... letting me down gently so she doesn't feel guilty... it seems like she doesn't have a choice in how she reacts, or that she is just choosing the easy option rather than actually taking time to properly move on.

Then again, I am guilty of acting on my instincts too... its just a pity that those instincts told me to call her every day for the first month of the break up, and to try and win her back overzealously.

Its taken me a while to figure out but as she is the breaker of this relationship... its up to her to chase after me and win me back, not the other way around. I will never get her back by chasing.

It's the adage... we all want what we can't have.

Dude what the hell are you doing! Go nc straight away!! I went through the same not long ago! Long distance 2!! Some eff'd up shi* , but trust me nc is the only way, don't respond to anything! Mine came back to me after a month or 2 of nc, but remember, they don't always come back! If they don't, then it wasn't meant to be! Read my thread. Goodluck. Peace from london.

Well I guess I am a sucker for punishment...

I got this email from her today:

"Heya

How was your weekend? I am sorry to do this to you but do you think you could call me tonight? I have been really upset and stressed recently about heaps of stuff and I have been trying so hard to not talk to you about it but I really need too. You're my best friend and it's just weird not being able to have you there to talk too. If you would rather not then that is okay, but I would appreciate any time you could spare.

Hope you're well"

I know I should probably have just deleted it straight away... but I have agreed to talk to her tonight. I know you are all going to bite my head off about this... but I want to hear what she has to say.

Ironically, today if she emailed me asking how I was etc I was going to tell her that I can't do this whole friend thing anymore because I just need to focus on myself.

But then I receive this email from her instead...

I don't expect her to talk about anything to do with us in this conversation... and I can see this email is full of false hope. And I deserve to have my head ripped off. But this is also my chance to set it straight and tell her that I can't do this anymore... I can't be that friend that she can rely on anymore... for my own sake.

This breakup was mutual and amicable (LDR... she couldn't get a professional job down here, I didn't want to leave so no other option)... I know I don't owe her anything, but I don't think it would be fair to just ignore this.

Its just frustrating that she has to send this now... right when I was preparing to cut her out of my life.

I don't feel weak about it because she is the one engaging me... I know it took a lot for hear to reach out and send me that email. It also makes me think that her relationship with this new guy may not be that strong... otherwise she would be turning to him for advice on whatever these issues are. But at the end of the day, that is just speculation.

Oh well, I will let you know how it goes... even though you probably can already tell me.

Just remember that No Contact is not to punish them... I know it feels like you are... but you are just removing the source of pain from your life so it doesn't create additional pain while you heal. There is nothing wrong with lending an ear if you must... but I would make it very clear that you are NOT ready to be friends. This is something she gave up when she broke up with you. She can't have her cake AND eat it too. Of course its creating false hope in you. She might even give you some false ideas tonight if she truly is upset about something... its so easy to miss someone when you're unhappy about life.

Trust me.. I am struggling with NC in my life... I keep starting and failing... so I wouldn't judge you... you've done it better than I have... but be careful... remember that NC puts the responsibility for the break up and the pain it caused... back on your ex.

You are not and should not be there to make her feel better about anything. From my understanding... the only contact you should have is if they say they want to get back together (and that contact would only happen after you really give it some thought)... Good Luck! Hope your "talk" is short... and you get to make your point to her.

Hi Speaking from a girls point of view she wants her cake and to eat it too. Girls love knowing that men want them and love having the power to drive them crazy! Is this completely mental and unfair? Of course, we never said we were easy to understand! U need to not contact her, easy to say I know but this girl has clearly moved on and you need to too and the only way is to walk away. She's quite manipulative and a complete game player and I think she's rubbing off on you. Get away now before you jeopardise your next relationship. Good luck

Wow...

So we talked for about an hour and a half. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life which has all boiled down in the last week or so... troubles at home, with getting a job, with what to do with her life. She really did just need someone to talk to... and as I know her better than anyone else, that person needed to be me.

And she thanked me for listening... and I said that's OK, but I can't always be here for you any more. I told her that by hearing from her it gave me hope for something that might not ever happen, something that I really want but can't have.

So I know it should normally be off limits... but we talked about us for a long time. She told me how she had been dealing with it the wrong way... by going out and getting drunk and hooking up with guys... she has even started smoking which is totally out of character.

I asked her if she had been seeing anyone... to which she said she had, and I told her I was OK about that. She said that its over and that she now realises that she was vulnerable and that's the only reason she did it.

Its weird but I am glad I have gone through this the way I have... largely alone and tormented by my mind. She has dealt with this the opposite way, by just going out with her friends, getting drunk, and giving everyone the impression that she was perfectly, when deep down she was hurting just as much as I have.

So... I broke NC tonight... but I'm glad I did. I feel in an even better position... I laid all my cards out on the table, and told her that for me to move on we can't be keeping in contact. She knows where I stand... which in my situation where there was an agreeable break is a much better situation than just dropping off the face of the earth.

Please feel free to comment or pick holes in what I have just written!

I don't think it can be said better than tal and true have put it. I mean, if you absolutely have to answer her e-mails ( they say not to, but you already know you'll do it anyway). Id keep it short and sweet. "Victoria, thank you for telling me the truth, good luck in this new relationship, im sure we will both find happiness." Something like that as long as it is the truth in your mind. However, if you're just trying to get revenge to some degree by throwing out all the NOT's about doing stuff and seeing each other, then you're wasting your time. Even if she's not fully happy now, its only a matter of time before the pain of this relationship wears thin. She's taking action to get it off her mind and you should too, you can try and force her to feel the pain, chances are she will temporarily, but ultimately it will be another thing she will get over and will just make you appear more and more like the unhappy one.

You want to appear as if you have your head on straight (even if you dont). Pull it together, be honest with yourself and everyone you ask for advice and try to do the hard thing. Don't contact her, if you must... answer her e-mails but for the love of god don't fall into a trap or give her what she wants. If you decide to tell her you want NC, make sure you're prepared for that and not just saying it to get a reaction. If I were you id be pretty disgruntled and I think that would fuel my desire to stay away from her. You should seriously consider NC altogether.

Good Luck

Definitely didn't see your latest post before my last one. I couldn't really tell if you had agreed on anything with her. However, I can tell one thing about what you said and that is that you gave in. "Actions speak louder than words" pretty much sums it up. She could have had all kinds of reasons for what she did, but she still did them. You can make yourself feel OK about all that if you want to, but are you really? If so it comes down to whether she is really done with all of those things... because chances are she's not. I'd wait it out a while before I considered anything at all. Hopefully you didn't just reassure her today that you were still an option... because if you can settle to be an option, you are really shooting yourself in the foot and not giving yourself the respect and dignity you deserve.

Wow...

So we talked for about an hour and a half. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life which has all boiled down in the last week or so...troubles at home, with getting a job, with what to do with her life. She really did just need someone to talk to...and as I know her better than anyone else, that person needed to be me.

And she thanked me for listening...and I said that's ok, but I can't always be here for you any more. I told her that by hearing from her it gave me hope for something that might not ever happen, something that I really want but can't have.

So I know it should normally be off limits...but we talked about us for a long time. She told me how she had been dealing with it the wrong way...by going out and getting drunk and hooking up with guys...she has even started smoking which is totally out of character.

I asked her if she had been seeing anyone...to which she said she had, and I told her I was ok about that. She said that its over and that she now realises that she was vulnerable and thats the only reason she did it.

Its weird but I am glad I have gone thru this the way I have...largely alone and tormented by my mind. She has dealt with this the opposite way, by just going out with her friends, getting drunk, and giving everyone the impression that she was perfectly, when deep down she was hurting just as much as I have.

So...I broke NC tonight...but I'm glad I did. I feel in an even better position...I laid all my cards out on the table, and told her that for me to move on we can't be keeping in contact. She knows where I stand...which in my situation where there was an agreeable break is a much better situation than just dropping off the face of the earth.

Please feel free to comment or pick holes in what I have just written!

Sorry getting used to using this site so may use it wrong

I think what you did was very brave and mature. Maybe now that you've sorted your own relationship out you can help me with mine- a mans point of view?

Like you say the cards are on the table, and you can move from there.

Irishgirl, what is your issue? Have you posted a question on this forum yet? I would be glad to help.

Thanks kctiger
Have posted a question just about boyfriend. Been going out 18 months and he's getting complicant, being a spoilt brat I know but I want more attention and affection from him now the honeymoon period is over, any ideas?

I hear you say you're happy you did it this way. Trust me... you're coming off that high of having spoken to her... probably a few false hopes still in there... come back in about 5 days of no contact... I suspect you'll feel a little worse... and most likely... a little angry at her for using you again. She can't rely on you. She broke up with you. Its as plain and simple as that.

I just hope you're fully OK with not hearing from her again for a long time... maybe never. She got what she needed (your support and confirmation that you still want her). Now she can move on knowing she's not yet... alone in the world. Doesn't seem fair to me. Return to No Contact... sooner the better.

Ok so I'm a bit confused now... which I suppose is to be expected.

So after our talk on the phone on Monday, I suppose I was on a bit of a high... it was so good to have a decent conversation with her where we covered some actual things that were going on in our lives, rather than just superficial BS about how our week has been...

And then the next night we had an IM chat... and she thanked me for the chat, and we talked about us... about our relationship and all the good times, and how we missed the laughing, and friendship and the talks... and how we missed each other.

I actually have an appetite again... that feeling of doom and gloom has lifted somewhat because I now know that we are actually both on a similar level with this breakup... when I knew she was seeing other guys it destroyed me, I felt like she had just dropped me out of her life and replaced me... and was out having the time of her life. The fact is that that wasn't the case... it was just her way of dealing with the break up.

As I have said before, the main reason we broke up was because of neither of us wishing to be in a LDR where there was no end date in sight... but having said that, I have now been able to see where other things were not quite right. This break up was a blessing... something I had to go through to learn about myself. And I know there is a hell of a lot more learning to do as I am not even close to being healed... but even so it has been an eye opener.

Im going back up to my home town for 2 and a half weeks for Xmas and New Years and we have made tentative plans to see each other. I guess I have played out a few scenarios in my head as to how it will all pan out... Im not expecting for anything to happen romantically between us, but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

Although I'm happy with how things are right now... I suppose in some ways maybe it would have been easier if she had just come out and said she was seeing this guy, then I would actually have had just cause to cut her out of my life completely. But now that we have sort of made up and connected on an emotional level again... I suppose it has tempered my desire to cut her out of my life. Now I want her in there again.

Is this all really just a big game she is playing?

She has made plans to move over to Europe next year... and a part of me what's to proposition to her that I make the move over too. The thing is, I still have unfinished business here, and maybe this is something she has to do on her own. But if she does go, then it will be at least another 18 months before we are living in the same city again... and even then, that is unsure. If we hit it off when I go back up for the holidays, do you think I should proposition this to her? Or should I just let fate takes it course and not force things... its just hard to imagine the next 18 months without her.

Dude, you aren't dumb. You're calling a lot of these shots, the only issue right now is that your heart is keeping you from really being able to think clearly. That's completely understandable as I can tell you I've done the same thing. Right now though, I have to say, the only reason you have an appetite isn't because of all these things you've accomplished and being on the same page. The reason you have an appetite now is because you now have hope. The reason you broke up isn't necessarily just because of the LDR, its also because she has had other feelings towards other people, and I know some people deal with it that way,(my ex right now), however, that doesn't mean that it shouldn't still be dealt with. Sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants, and you do. You're hurt and she's lonely. I wouldn't be very surprised if this did turn out to just be another bit of bs for her to try and stay happy short term... and dude... you're falling for it hard. Its possible that she is actually having all these feelings for you again, but even so, (chances are slim) read your initial post and ask yourself if you really want to be with that person again... despite what she's done. Think smart, don't get used, there's a healthy and good relationship out there for you where you can mutually have the things you want. Don't settle to make your heart pain less.

I had to spread the rep, Grayfox, but you made some very good points, as she is thinking short term, and going along with the program for now, but making some long term plans for leaving for 18 months. I think a lot more talking is appropriate, before you can just throw your whole life into her ring, as she doesn't really sound as if she is committed, but still has and eye for something else.

It's a big red flag, to run from one guy to others as a way to handle a break up, so sorry, I would be really reluctant to expect her to be ready for what you want. I really think she is just not ready and you're a comfort zone.

You had better resolve all your issues before giving her your heart yet again.

Thanks for the advice Tal and Grayfox. I can see what you both mean... at the moment I am filled with some hope, I guess I'm just trying to put the pieces of the hope jigsaw together to see how I could make it work out for us. But at the same time I can see that she could just be using me as some short term comfort... a way of knowing that she is not alone.

I don't agree with the way she handled it... seeing a couple of other guys pretty quickly, and one guy exclusively for a wee while... but I forgive her for it, she was vulnerable and hurt. She is an attractive girl and its hardly surprising that she had a few guys trying it on with her.

If things go well when I see her in a few weeks time, I will broach the subject with her... let her know what I am prepared to do for us to be together. But it will have to be because it is what she wants... and she will need to be just as committed to it as I am. I think the chances are possibly slim... but I guess the alternative of at least 18 months apart would be difficult to face without knowing that it could maybe have been another way.

But at least if I know that it is not what she wants... it will make it all the more bearable as I will know at least I gave it a shot and have to move on with my life in the interim.

I'm a bit sad again today...

On Saturday my ex IM'd me, and said "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but I just wanted to say hi" and we had a bit of a chat and she told me how she wanted to come and visit me before her staff airline travel privileges expire (her mum is a flight attendant and she gets cheap flights until she is 22)... I took this as a big sign that she is still into me... if she came down she would staying at my place, and probably in my bed with me as there are no other real alternatives. We talked about how we would hang out and do lots of fun things. She used to make these trips down every 6-8 weeks.

But then yesterday I started an IM chat with her... and she seemed so cold and distant... the opposite of how she had been the day before. I asked her how her day was and she just replied "umm ok and u" and was just generally being short with me. So I just said "k, well gotta go, cya". The guy who she had been seeing was online on Facebook too, so I imagine she had been talking to him and maybe upset about things.

I also found out it was him that ended things with her... rather than the other way around. Ironically apparently he was on the rebound too, and was rebounding with her.

This again makes me think the she has just been using me... when things fell apart with this guy, I was the fallback plan. From what she told me, I know she hasn't been truly happy when she was with this guy, that's why she was so upset about everything... although I also know that to some extent he made her feel happy in the moment.

Its all basically making me feel a bit crappy about everything. That empty feeling has returned. Just confusing how she can chop and change her attitude like that. I am going to see her in just over a week, and will try and sort things out then.

She told me that she was at her happiest when she was with me, and I told her the same. I don't really know if we both are wanting the same thing right now... in fact we probably don't, but I guess I need to find out either way. I just hate the feeling of being used.

Dude OK..

What part of No contact don't you understand?

You only have yourself to blame now.

Stop being USED!

Look, EC. I'll give my perspective about your stuff.

You should remove from your head every hope of getting back. Because it's gone. You guys had a great time together. Then she lost it. It might be that it was only the distance. There might be more. But it doesn't really matter. It's over.

It doesn't matter if she is trying to use you or if she is cheating you or if she still has feelings for you and wants to get back. Because things already happened. You already lost your trust on her - see how suspicious you are about her behaviour. And there's nothing you or her can do to get it back right now, no matter how much she might say that she loves you and wants to go back. Not without time and maturity on both of you.

So let it go. Get over it. Not over her. Over it. The relationship, it's over. Think of it as someone that died and that you really liked and was sweet, but died. You can mourn about it for a while, but you need to let go. Live your life again. There are 3 billion women in the world... there is a good chance you'll find another one that will make you a happy person.

Look, it's possible that you guys were meant to be and things will go back in the future or whatever. But you need to understand it won't be the same relationship, because that one died. You'll have to rebuild it and that will be really hard because of the memories. And the more you try to "fix it" right now, worse those memories will be, cause she'll feel like forcing herself and you will be hurt. See how you are already starting to hate her.

So you need to put yourself in the proper mindset. Stop trying to worry about her, what she's thinking, what she's going through. IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. She gave up the right of having your support when she chose to break up. She did it. You need to care about yourself right now.

Keep your mind busy with different things. Get one addiction (a healthy one, please... I started running on the treadmill like crazy, it gives me a peace of mind and I sleep like a baby after getting crazy tired). If you have moods often, try to put it in perspective. Think about all the people that broke up. Think about couples with kids facing a divorce and think about how much harder they are having.

Also, from what I read, your ex isn't helping you with it so you should just go no contact. Not to punish her or whatever. But you need to get her out of your mind and the less you see her, the easier it is. It might seem childish, but for a week I had to block her from my IM, remove her from my Facebook, remove her name from every part of my computer (like, the label in her name on my gmail account, remove her pictures), wallet, life. And in my situation my ex wasn't even going all psycho on me. But I needed that time for myself.

Not saying it's easy. It's hard. It's really hard. I am still having those rollercoaster moments. But at least they are a bit easier because I can get back to my senses fast. Now I just feel sad that's over, but I understand that there's nothing that can be done right now. Again, it's like someone died. If you try to hold on to, you will end up with a rotten corpse. So let go and understand that you'll have to live with yourself right now.

Go NC, because it seems like you are needing it right now. And if there's no way of avoiding her IMing, suck up all the feelings and act like you don't care, that you don't love her anymore.

Dude, we've been telling you all along that the relationship ended for a reason, and regardless of what is going on in your mind right now, that reason probably isn't going to just change over night. Work on the things you can control, right now this relationship is out of control, and as ImTotallyLost said, "its dead". You need to stop thinking about the happiness and the memories and realize THAT Isn't COMNG BACK, you can have a few good days and hell of a lot of bad ones or you can surrender and have some bad days but much much better ones than you could ever imagine in the future. If you continue to hang on to this dead end you'll only temporarily satisfy your "needs". You need to see it for what it is, and her for what she is. Be the bigger person, cash out with what you have left, take your self-respect and your pride and cut your losses! Its over, don't dig the ditch any deeper! I hope that you will not have to be forced into absolutely no other option before finally realizing this. Don't learn the hard way, that way sucks, and you still might not even learn as much as you would by just thinking with your head instead of your heart. Good luck.

For sure going complete, and strict NO CONTACT, will stop all this, pull you in, by being nice and giving you hope, and pushing you away, and confusing you drama.

It's that simple, but hard to do. Get started, and clear your head of the confusing clutter.

I'm a bit sad again today...

You hold the power to get off this emotional rollercoaster you are on. You will only manage that if you completely erase her from your life. Everyone has been telling you but I feel the need to reiterate that NC is the only way forward FOR YOU!

YOU are letting her have her the cake and eat it too and she will continue to do this for as long as YOU let her. She is stringing you along because it makes her feel better not because she wants to get back with you. If she did she would not have gone out with someone else and would not be playing around with you the way she is. Would you ever cause so much pain to a person you care about? She is only thinking about herself otherwise she would have the dignity to let you get away from all this. Sorry if I come out as harsh but Ive been thorugh it and I know its really hard to see things for what they are when you are in it.

Its been a while... but I'll fill you in on what has happened.

Well I went back to my home town for 3 weeks over Xmas and New Year. My ex offered to pick me up and even said I should stay at her place in the spare room... which I accepted, and although I expected nothing to happen, that false hope was definitely there.

Anyway... I didn't actually end up staying there that night... I stayed at another friends place... and I found out later that she ended up staying at that guys place who she has been seeing. Cool for me.

So anyway... on that Sunday we were at a bbq together, I asked her for a talk. I told her how I felt... and to no one on this threads surprise, she didn't feel the same way. I cried... not to her but to a good friend. World crashing down again etc etc.

But then the next day I saw her again... she texted me and invited me over. And I went... but this time without all that trying to woo her crap... I knew where I stood so it was better. It carried on this way for the next couple of weeks... I did my best to try and just be her friend for the sake of enjoying my holiday... and because I liked being able to hang out with her. We did some of the things that we used to do when we were together... it was like I was trying to pretend that I was still her boyfriend.

Then one night she invited me and some friends to her place for drinks, before going into a club in the city. It was fun... but then for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to invite one of the guys who she had been hooking up with after we broke up... she had also slept with him but she doesn't know I know that. So anyway... I ended up getting really drunking and unleashing on her... telling her in front of a few other people how much she had hurt me, how she had devastated me and hurt me more than I thought I could ever be hurt. It wasn't really fair on her... but I had to say it. We sorted it all out the next day.

During this time I realised what I had to do. I knew that the only way forward was to listen to all you guys and just go NC. But while I was still up there, and knew that she was going to be around, I figured I might as well just try and do my best and hanging out with her.

On the Sunday that I left, we were supposed to be meeting up for brunch... but she ended up getting wasted the night before and bailed on my plans, leaving me in the lurch and having to make alternative plans to drop off my car and get to the airport. I was not impressed.

She called me three times and left me a message to email her or text her. I sent her a text saying that there was nothing much more to say. Then today I set it out in an email, saying that I could not put myself through this anymore... not that she was hurting me, but that I was hurting myself by letting myself be around her and in contact with her.

And today I took a big step and removed her as a friend from Facebook. It has taken me pretty much 4 months from the day we broke up to get this far. I feel quite liberated knowing I can go on to Facebook without having to have constant reminders of her.

So tomorrow will actually be the official first day of No Contact for me.

You were all right... and anyone who is in the early stages of their break up and is reading this... LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. They know what they are talking about when they are telling you that it is over. The main thing I have learnt is that you have no control over what your ex is feeling... no matter what you do you cannot make them love you back... they will be the one who decides if they want to get back to you, and you have no say in what they decide. All you can do is give them more reasons NOT to come back.

I removed my ex from Facebook on the first day. I knew that would be a problem in the future, and I can't tell you how much it helps not to know what your ex is doing. You might think you need to know, you might desperately want to know... but the sad thing is... it will not in any way, shape or form, change what they want or what they'll do. Nor will it give you a better position. I think you are like me in some ways. A lot of people take some serious convincing to really get to a point where they realize it really just isn't happening. Others have to get hurt over and over, and some can control themselves the moment it happens. It has been a little over a month for me that I've had no contact. I can tell you right now, I still talk to my ex from time to time. You probably will too. I still think about her, she still bothers me, and I still have a ways to go before I'm fully over it. The only thing I can tell you to do or anyone else in the same position is STAY BUSY. Do not stop doing things, do as much as you can, have as much fun as you can, and for the love of god control your hand when its around that phone or that keyboard. You need to trick your mind into not realizing she was a part of your life. When you do remember, it will suck, but when you don't you won't realize it, but you'll be repairing yourself slowly. The truth is, there is no magical cure or easy way to kill the way you think of someone (which essentially is what a break up is) but time. Time time time. What matters is how much... and what determines how much is what you do in that time. Luckily two of my other friends are going through breakups so as soon as I got out of college we hung out like crazy and made pacts with each other. Sure enough my ex is trying to talk to me again, she's handling her situation in all the wrong ways, partying, hooking up, etc. Ill tell you right now... I couldn't be happier that I didn't give in, because now, I haven't had half as much trouble turning her down, I can actually see the greener grass on the other side, even if I haven't reached it yet. What you need is faith in a better tomorrow. No pain, no gain. You're going to have to suffer a bit man, it sucks, but when its through you'll have bought yourself quite a many more happy days.

YOU have NOTHING to gain from contact. That's pretty obvious from what you have typed out so far. Now that you know this, I really hope you will stick with no contact. Best of luck buddy, we're here for you.

And just to make another point. If it makes you any happier, which it probably will even though it probably shouldn't = ). I have a feeling she's like my ex in some ways. She's just making one mistake after another to fill that void temporarily rather than going through the pain of filling it fully. You're going to be a sore spot a lot longer for her than she will for you if you take the initiative now and cut her off. The happier she sees you, the more shell realize she's not, and the more that will scare her. Hell, she might even come running after you to see if she can get you to come back for various reasons... she might want to test your happiness, she might want to try and see if you'll bring it to her... etc. Sounds to me like regardless of either, you don't need her. You'll find someone else, just know that you don't NEED someone else. That will help you to find what you need in yourself and that's all you really need... after that you can want someone and they can want you, and you can both truly be happy together while your ex rolls around in her own foolishness. If you're the type of person to wish the best for her, then maybe shell learn one day, maybe shell clean up and stop messing up her life. Maybe one day you'll even find each other again, who knows... but I realllllllly doubt it, and if I were you id count that out completely. If you keep her cut off, you'll most likely move on to bigger and better things while she runs in circles. This is a journey I'm still on and I have yet to reach the grass, I'm just having faith right now, and believe me its hard... because the safety blanket is sitting right next to me and its callling MY name now. Its like the experiment with the child who has the option to take a cookie on the table sitting in front of them, or wait 5 minutes and be rewarded with 2 cookies. Willpower my friend.

So I am two days into NC now... and although its early days I can already feel a change in my mindset. It feels good to be able to log on to Facebook and not have to check to see if she is online, or all the posts and comments she is making... ignorance truly is bliss.

She is still in my Facebook network... so if I click on her name I will still be able to see her profile. I changed my options so she can't do that... I might just remove myself from that network so I won't even be able to click on her profile. Although, to be honest I don't really have that much desire to see it anyway, no good will come of it. For me, removing her as a friend from Facebook is a really big step... both actually and symbolically.

I have had some moments of sadness over the past couple of days... I know it is early days yet and all, but I do still think about her a lot... and I guess I do wonder what she is doing. But the good thing is that I don't have a way of finding out what she is doing.

I'm sure there are some troubling times up ahead as I go on this NC journey, but I am committed to sticking to it for as long as it takes. I'm still learning to be on my own again... but my new motto has become "Onwards and upwards"... it is something one of my friends has been saying to me for a while now.

Is there any pattern to how this NC situation pans out? Like are there highs and lows, like for the first couple of weeks its hard, and then it just gets easier and then eventually just becomes normal?

Feelings come and go, and just like life, you have good days and bad.

Check out "The No Contact Calendar" 1,2, and 3 for some very good insights into No Contact, and how others have dealt with it. That's a great place to vent with the ones going through the same things you are.

There is no rule in how the NC will pan out- but you will def have good and bad days and will feel like a yo yo for a bit. I think the most sensible thing to do- is to take small steps and make realistic plans that you can keep to and so you don't fall and get low with yourself.

I think you did well in removing her from facebook- I recently removed mutual friends and the ex's family- now when I look in facebook- it is all about me and my friends- I was surprise to find how much positiveness it created and how it feels good that they can't see what I am doing and I don't care what they are doing! Good as they don't deserve to know how happy I will be in time ;-)

I don't even have a Facebook or MySpace page so that part has been pretty easy for me.

Removing any reminders of them from your life is a crucial step toward healing. Good job Empty and zeeniee.

Thanks for all your advice... it definitely is a bit of a yo-yo. She pops into my dreams at night now and again, but I'm not waking up in the middle of the night and just staring at the ceiling thinking about her.

I have a bit of an empty feeling in my stomach... like now that I have given up chasing her, a part of me has died... the part of me that clung on to the flicker of hope that she might change her mind and come back to me. I guess I miss thinking of the possibility that I might be able to make her come back... now that I know that it is completely out of my hands.

But it's a good thing that she didn't come back because in its current state the relationship was unsalvagable anyway. If we were ever to get back together (I am not pinning any hopes on this) it would need to be with a fresh and clear head for the both of us. Its just hard to even imagine myself with a clear head at this time... I suppose I also find it hard to imagine having another relationship as good as the one we had. When we were going out I remember us feeling so lucky that we had such an incredible relationship... it seemed like we had the type of relationship people could only dream of. Funny thing is I think a lot of couples probably think that too...

Thats the thing...its a mostly mutual break up, although its her doing overall. I can't just not reply to her emails...we were meant to go thru this amicably and just ignoring her is not the right way to go. I can now see that there is a 95% chance we won't get back together...but I can't ignore that 5% and just cease contact altogehter...


Gosh I know just how you feel,you keep hping for that 5%, and not letting go, its not easy but it you focus on movingon and be positive (reading that Abraham Hicks Law of Attraction,you should try it too, very uplifting)
Who knows what may come your way,
Good luck and keep the faith!

Hey EC... I'm glad you got that into your head. Now that you understand that you must move on, you won't be doing any of those things that will make you go back to square one.

However, I'll warn you to brace for the worst part of the rollercoaster: trying to align your heart with your head. Now you know what you must do. But your heart will keep giving you those impulses that make us want to fight for her. Do not give in. Keep NC no matter how much you feel that she's missing you or how much you think it was your mistake. If she calls - she probably won't - but if she does, pretend like you moved on, and keep conversations short. You crossed the mental milestone of the healing process. Now give a chance for your heart to heal too.

What's working for me is to try not even to think about it - it's particularly important cases like ours where distance was the culprit... still when I think about it I feel like "crap, it doesn't make sense, I should call her and sort it out". Ha. Like that would help.

Work out. Go out to clubs/bars. Hang out with friends. Focus on work. And do not avoid doing anything because you're thinking of your ex. It should actually be an incentive for you to do more things. You shouldn't get into another relationship so soon (or it'll be a rebound). But it feels great to be back in the market! Enjoy your newfound freedom.

Well that is one week of NC successfully behind me. I actually feel really good right now... like I have cut off this thing that was chaining me down.

I have even caught myself going a few minutes without her even popping into my head. Its still hard sometimes... which is only to be expected... but the constant sadness and longing is fading somewhat.

I was emailing some photos to one of my old host families from a student exchange I did a few years back, and I came across some photos of her on some of the great holidays we had. There was even a short video too... I couldn't help myself but to have a little look... and I didn't feel the pain that might have brought up earlier... I felt a bit of happiness... seeing how happy we were together and knowing that eventually I will have that feel back again with someone else. It really is her loss for giving up on that.

I've had a few weak moments this week... I have clicked on her Facebook profile a couple of times (she is in my "Network" but not a "friend")... I guess it is just a bit of curiosity creeping in... but its not the desperate seeking of information that I used to be going for.

And also, strangely, I have no real desire to talk to her right now. If I called her up on the phone, I don't think the conversation would last more than a few minutes... there really isn't much to say right now... which is a strange feeling given that not all that long ago we could be on the phone for hours.

I've been doing a few things for myself lately too and trying to have a good time more. I went out with some buddies on Saturday night and ended up making out with a girl at a bar. It was only a kiss (definitely all I am ready for anyway), but it felt good... good to be back in the game. I live in the tourism capital of New Zealand so there are beuatiful girls passing through the whole time... so being single here will definitely have its set of benefits.

Today I also went to the gym for the first time in ages... which also felt really good to get those muscles going again. And I also booked myself some flights to Sydney, Australia for the Grand Final of my favourite sport and a bunch of my buddies from home will be going over too.

So right now, I am in a good place. I know this whole NC thing is a rollercoaster, but I can feel its benefits working already.

That is awesome man. You sound like you are making solid progress towards recovery. I will caution you though, not to look at her Facebook again. That website alone can totally ruin every bit of progress you make... I would block her profile somehow, as it really can be the devil in your situation.

Seriously, it takes a lot longer than you may think to get completely over someone. I broke up with my ex October 12th, and I still have to control where I allow my mind to wander. If you're not careful you can fall right back into that old mindset and have to work from the ground up all over again. That sucks. So, make sure you remove things that remind you of her. Its really like temporarily removing someone from existence in your mind until you've gone long enough that the emotion has faded and the attachment is broken, that is usually when its OK to think back to old times etc without it hurting or having an effect on how hard you've worked.

Yeah... I know the path is long, and I am only really just beginning my journey. My mind definitely still wanders... but just in a different way now. I just don't care as much anymore.

Each time I get a text I still wonder if it could be her... I don't necessarily want it to be her, there's just that split second where my brain lets that possibility enter my head. Those thoughts will go away too in time though... but I definitely don't feel the need to go and change my cellphone number or anything.

But I am getting used to being single again... and it feels good. I know this breakup was a positive thing, even if it has been hell. I'm too young to be ready to commit to a person for the rest of my life, especially as it was my first serious relationship. The wheels would have fallen off eventually anyway, I would have had unanswered questions about whether she was the right person. And who knows... maybe she is... but there is a lot more living to do for the both of us before that is ever decided.

Amen brother. Just use this as a positive event.

Down the road, when you meet a beautiful, nice girl, you're going to have all this experience under your belt. With that said, it would probably work much better than the last one.

If not, well, you learned some more, eh? Relationships are like the hands-on bang-your-head-against-a-wall-for-your-mistakes kind of learning, and it hurts. But you really do come out of them learning something about yourself, the other person, or just the interactions in general.

Good to see you having a positive attitude mate.

Just don't rush it. Wait until a month of NC... then that's when you start feeling pretty good again.

Especially if you have some blonde on your arm.

The wheels would have fallen off eventually anyway, I would have had unanswered questions about whether she was the right person. And who knows...maybe she is...but there is a lot more living to do for the both of us before that is ever decided.

Yeah. I hear you. :-D. Right now I am living on the mantra "life is not only about women, there's much more to it".

After all this is over, we should write a book: "The universe just isn't into the idea of you two together. Deal with it."

Well now its two weeks of NC behind me... and it has been mostly really really good.

I say mostly because today for some reason I really missed her a lot... just wanted to hear her voice, or chat to her online. Of course, I haven't, and I won't... I guess I just long for that connection again. Not that it really matters, but I am sure she's thinking about me too... both of us lost out in all this by losing each others best friend.

But for the other 13 days... it has seemed easy... like a huge relief to have set myself free from constantly wondering what she's up to, and interpreting what she would say to me...

In another couple of weeks it will be 5 months since we broke up... which is actually a really long time. But even so, I'm still not ready for another relationship... which is lucky because there isn't really anything on the cards anyway.

Hopefully today was just a bit of a hiccup and the smooth sailing will continue.

It will be like that every now, and then, but it will pass if you let it.

It's a roller coaster. Hang on tight

Yea man, those feelings will pass. Stay on the straight path to healing with NC.

Wait till you get to week 3 or you reach a whole month, like me, and don't even think about her NEARLY as much.

Wait till you're doing something fun and don't think about her at all. Wait till you see other girls checking you out when you're out at places.

It only gets better as long and you allow time to work it's magic and you don't relapse.

I'm really upset at myself right now...

So its almost been three weeks... and I have been doing fine... actually I have been doing great. Going out, having a lot of fun, and even hooking up with a couple of girls. I actually had a date on Sunday... it didn't go great... she was nice but Im not all that interested... but it was a date, so good to get one out of the way.

Anyway, I have to admit I have been bad, in that I have been checking out my ex's Facebook page, as she is still in my network so I can still view it... but she can't see mine as I changed that setting.

Anyway... today was one of those days where I wanted to have a look... but it wouldn't let me go into her profile. So I wondered what was up... and being my stupid self... I decided to log into her account. I still know her p/w... although I don't think she knows this. And low and behold I find out something its better off I would be better off not knowing. I won't get into it and will just leave it at that...

I'm just p*ssed off at myself for caving in and allowing myself to get hurt like this again. This is my own stupid self letting myself get hurt again. That feeling of immense came back in my stomach and I immediately lost my appetite and felt crppy again.

I'll admit its not as bad as the first time I found out about her and another guy... I feel much better equipped to deal with it now. It just still really hurts... and I have no one to blame but myself. Its just knocked me back a bit... not to square one, but back a couple of squares.

I'm embarressed at myself for snooping... I just have weak moments where curiosity gets the better of me. I don't really know how to deal with those urges...

I mean I could tell her to change her password... but that would probably cause more harm than good. I guess I just have to try and be stronger.

EC

HI Empty Cans,

It must be very hard- and curiosity can get really get to one in such difficult times- well hopefully you won't do that again-- as you know how much pain you will give yourself...

Next time you feel like that-- make a break and go and put some loud music on-- or leave the room/house or go and ring a friend for a few minutes and say hi -- till that urge to go on Facebook goes away/dampens down...

Keep going- your a lot stronger than you think!

Yeah EC... that was really bad... Curiosity killed the cat.

That's why it doesn't help to delete from Facebook if you still want to know about the other person... You need to really forget about her. Totally. As in "not give a damn about her". Next time, just get out of the house, or go watch some TV. Or call a friend. Just get away from the computer.

And don't worry about what you've done already. Forgive yourself and move forward.

Where is RomeFalls at when you need him??

We have told people time and TIME again to forget Facebook exists. If you are going through a rough break up, having a Facebook or MySpace account can make it worse... a lot worse, as you can see in your case. Block Facebook on your computer... I realize you accessed her account, which is even worse, but man... you have got to leave the Facebook world in the past. That website is death for you right now.

Carry on... :cool:

Yah Empty Cans... you don't have to beat yourself up too much. I know the pain. You just want to go back and NOT look. We learn. Be kind to yourself for making a silly mistake. I'm not sure if this is possible but you could try to send her an email from someone else that says they believe her password was stolen and she should change it. Trust me... you don't want to know her password. There is nothing good that will ever come from knowing what an ex is doing when you're in No Contact.

I think you saw that breaking that no contact (even in this indirect way) feels like it took you back to step one or at least step 4 or 5 and its hard. Just feel the pain (you're learning from it). The urges will come to look again (I call that the little devil in you)... just have a course of action you'll always do when that devil visits. Write to a friend on Facebook instead of looking at her...

You'll be fine. Now go give yourself a pat on the back for doing so great (even with this little slip).

I had a bit of a sleepless night waking up a few times... reminded me of the bad old days of a few months ago when that was the norm to be waking every few hours.

But I know I will bounce back from this. I have to just completely forget about her and lose that curiosity into what she is doing.

I guess I just still feel this great sense of loss... that I threw away something amazing but my selfish decision to move away. It doesn't really matter now, because it has happened. Sometimes I just feel like "maybe she was as good as it will get" for me.

As much as blocking Facebook might help, I don't really see it as an option. As I live away from my hometown its my main way of staying in touch. I just need to learn how to deal with these urges of curiosity to know what she is up to... I know I can do it.

Haha. Hey EC, trust me on this on: she is not as good as it will get. She was probably great, but there are other great people around.

Do not regret having moved away. You had to do what you had to do. You don't see it right now but you'll soon be over her, it's just a matter of opening the eyes to the qualities of girls around you. They will always be different from your ex, which doesn't mean they will be worse. In time you'll start noticing this (hell, this only hit me on the past weekend).

But think about if you hadn't moved away and then you've broke up afterwards. That regret, of having sacrificed your career for her, that's even worse. Chances are the reason why your ex was with you is exactly the very reason why you moved out, to begin with.

You'll be fine in a few days EC.

I agree with what ITL said. Be glad you chose your career first. You're young. You have all of your life ahead of you. This is the part of your life where you either make something of yourself, or fall back into the shadows of mediocrity. Your actions today will determine your future. In my opinion, you made the best choice for yourself.

If you didn't make that choice, who knows what would have happened, but I bet you would still be going through a break-up.

Thanks for the kind words guys. Its good to know I can come on here, let off some steam... and always have your guys support... even though we are all complete strangers!

I don't really like talking about it with friends or family anymore... it must just drive them up the wall.

Career wise it was a good choice to move away... and deep down I know that this break up would most likely have happened eventually anyway, simply because I would not have been equipped with the skills to make it last forever... and ironically this break up is teaching me those skills.

I guess it just really hurts picturing her with other guys... a big part of me still sees her as mine. But in time those thoughts will go away too.

I guess it just really hurts picturing her with other guys...a big part of me still sees her as mine. But in time those thoughts will go away too.

It may help to think and recall that she never was yours, and you were never hers. Yeah, I know you were "for each other", but no person even in marriage controls the other person. Everyone is free and independent to act as they please, for better or for worse. You've left her life and she has every right to move on.

And guess what? So do you. Wouldn't you be ticked off if you started seeing another woman and things started to go well - and all of a sudden she was back and giving you grief? I think you'd be pretty upset!

What you guys shared was important to you, and odds are, it was important to her as well. Doesn't change the fact that it just wasn't right, but it doesn't make it less valuable. I also can say with faith that for the vast majority of people, these early relationships are not the best there will be. The only people who lose those ones tend to do it with massive personal failings. What you have to do is be open to the world and the opportunities around you, and something will finds it way.

Yep. I used to feel the same way man. I know my ex is with somebody else. A part of me still wants her. I just keep telling myself that there is someone better for me out there, somewhere.

After a while you will reach the point where I'm at. You acknowledge that the relationship is over (truly 100%). You become indifferent when you hear news about them, or when people bring them up in conversation. You wish them good luck and much happiness the last time you talk to them, and you disappear. This is when you let time grab you and direct you toward your future, whatever that may be.

You learn to let go of all the animosity of the break-up and all of the things that they did to you and you did to them and file all those memories away somewhere in your brain. Then as you start experiencing life as a free, single person, those memories will comeback. However this time they will be pleasant, without the animosity or pain that was associated with them before. You then use those memories and those experiences, from which you have learned, to make the proper choices in new situations that will inevitably happen.

Yes, she was a big part of your life, in the fact that you learned a lot from her and your relationship you had with her. To that, you should be thankful for the knowledge that you have gain.

I think we should all be thankful for what our past relationships have taught us. We are all alive. We are all human. We all are constantly changing. We each love differently.

The most important part is the fact that we do love and we have loved and we will all find a person to share these special feelings, that are unique to all of us, once again. The best part is, it will be better before because we have learned how to be better people, from the knowledge we have gained from our past relationships.

I don't really like talking about it with friends or family anymore... it must just drive them up the wall.


Get someone very close (in the family or something) and let him be someone with whom you can talk about this. Preferably someone that is close enough. It helps a lot to just talk about it sometimes. I am using my roommate. Poor guy. But he understands. He keeps avoiding me when I am with that face, but deep down, he knows how important it is for me to be able to vent.

With your other friends, just don't talk about it. Forget it. It's easy when you are talking with someone else. It's hard to start a conversation but once it starts, it becomes easy. It gives you relief. If you have a female friend, it is even better. For some reason it gives you an extra incentive not to talk about you ex and engage in pleasant conversation. At least that's how I feel.



Career wise it was a good choice to move away... and deep down I know that this break up would most likely have happened eventually anyway, simply because I would not have been equipped with the skills to make it last forever... and ironically this break up is teaching me those skills.


Exactly. That's the irony of it all. Same thing here. At some point, my ex could have moved to the same place I live, but that would have meant sacrificing a top school for 2nd rate one. I know that if she had chosen the 2nd path one of the two would have happened: she would be annoyed at me because I made her sacrifice her career or I would be disappointed at her for missing such an opportunity when we are still so young. It would have been over in no time!

Get someone very close (in the family or something) and let him be someone with whom you can talk about this. Preferably someone that is close enough. It helps a lot to just talk about it sometimes. I am using my roommate. Poor guy. But he understands. He keeps avoiding me when I am with that face, but deep down, he knows how important it is for me to be able to vent.


Do you have any female friends that you're close with, but don't have a romantic interest in? Maybe a close friend's girlfriend who you have started your own friendship with? A longtime friend or classmate that you trust and is the empathetic type? I have found that they are often MORE than willing to be a sounding board for you. Just be prepared to return the favour if and when they need it!

It's always good to have both guys and girls to talk to about these things. Each offer different views on the situation.

Yep, I totally agree with all you from above. It is always good to talk to both sexes on this matter as the advice and support they give will be very different and ultimately this will allow you to broaden your horizons and let you think outside that box, and hopefully you make better discussions for yourself.

I too now have stopped talking about the EX to my family and daily friends- as well- you can only talk so much about the EX—and the whole EX thing can be such a bore! However, I am lucky as now I talk about the EX to four people only (aside from this site), 2 of my best female friends- both live out of Singapore and 2 really nice males. The advice and input I get is really useful and these 4 people are now like my good solid ROCK! The important thing is to choose someone that can relate to you on your level emotionally and mentally- ie: on the same page as you...

I think this is a good way forward, as it allows you to 'dettach' from the EX during your daily day – and when you need time to sort something that is bothering you, worrying or upsetting you- then you can place aside time to deal with it—much more effective way of healing, I think.

Thank god I found this site- is what I say!

Empty Cans... Please listen to the others advising you to go NC. I kept giving my ex the benefit of doubt and it turned out to still be nothing positive about getting back. Don't reply to "I miss you" or "I've been thinking" blah blah... Now I just feel used. Don't allow yourself to be played for comfort.

Yeah I have a very good girl friend who has been helping me out a lot of the past few months. In spite of this hiccup, I am actually doing really well and have been making a lot of progress. I guess yesterday just reminded me how much that pain can hurt and that I do still have a long way to go.

Basically I just think that the less people that know I snooped into her Facebook account the better... so I don't really want to get into that part of it with my friends.

Its not like I don't expect my ex to start seeing people... of course she is going to... shes a really attractive girl... but I guess it just hurts to know it, especially when those feelings of mine are obviously still there. And now that its almost been 5 months I couldn't even really just pass it off as a rebound.

But good luck to her I guess...

I'm not putting my life on hold or anything for her... and not expecting anything in the future either. But this break up did come at a good time for both of us... we both need to live our lives apart for a few years, and yeah, who knows, maybe something will come of us again. But now was definitely not the right time for us... and there probably won't ever be a right time for us again...

It just sucks that it got messy between us towards the end (in terms of trying to be friends)... it was just so much easier for her to remain friends than it was for me. But in time it will be OK...

The thing is... I know all this... and I keep giving myself a reality check about all this... but it still goddamn hurts a whole lot.

Yes, it will hurt for a while. Just tough it out. It will get better in time.

Empty cans,

The pain is always there- SUCKS and SUCKS-- but with time I hope you will find that you will be able to cope, deal, control the pain --eventually the pain will become manageble bit by bit. Keep going forward, you will get to this point.

If you absolutely need to email her, wish her good luck but do not offer the suggestion of future contact. And do not contact her again.

If she contacts you asking after you, keep it brief - just say you are fine.

It's a given that she would almost expect that given she has already strung you along for so long you still want her back.

This creates some doubt because you are not offering her another chance.

Not only will she probably wonder about why the change of heart but also wonder whether she made the right decision.

At the end of the day, whether she comes back, you will have walked away with your dignity and she will respect you more for it. More importantly, you will respect yourself more.

If you absolutely need to email her, wish her good luck but do not offer the suggestion of future contact. And do not contact her again.

If she contacts you asking after you, keep it brief - just say you are fine.

Its a given that she would almost expect that given she has already strung you along for so long you still want her back.

This creates some doubt because you are not offering her another chance.

Not only will she probably wonder about why the change of heart but also wonder whether she made the right decision.

At the end of the day, whether or not she comes back, you will have walked away with your dignity and she will respect you more for it. More importantly, you will respect yourself more.

I feel as though I let my ex get the best of me during the 5 months that I spent waiting to hear an answer from him. And giving in to his attempts to reach me out of missed times. But at least just like you said I'm walking away with some dignity and never turning back. I wrote him a week ago saying not to try to reach me because I wouldn't be there anymore. But the thing is I really do mean it this time around. I feel so used and mistreated after so many years together:(

Sounds like the feelings are very strong still. That's another reason to let things die down. While you are wrapped up in emotions, angry words get exchanged.

As it stands, whether there's someone else on the scene, it will probably not work out if she is still contacting you for whatever reason.

Don't be a prop - that way you can't feel used or mistreated.

I know its tough. I have had to cut off my ex for similar reasons and he can call all he wants. I just don't take the bait anymore.

There's a better life for you out there if you want it badly enough.

To get it, work on improving yourself esteem, self love and learning more about people and how to recognise the signs of invalidation and abuse plus coping mechanisms. You can't change anyone else but you but you can improve yourself and decide who you allow into your life. Remember no one can hurt you without your consent and love is a choice.

Be happy not disheartened at this minor set back. A good friend of mine once said to me 'some people are only in your life for a season but every person leaves an impression. What you choose to do with that is what shapes you'

Ok so I'm dealing with a few urges to email her and say hi... but instead I'm just going to write it here... as stupid that may seem.
---------------------
Hey X,

Was just wondering how you are doing?. its still a bit strange not being in contact with you anymore.

Things with me are good, I'm enjoying it down here and work is really busy which is good. Yesterday I went for a flight with Brett on the Red Bull plane... so much fun! I'm back up home in a few weeks for Leon's wedding... will be good to have all the family together for the first time in years.

Did you and your mum end up moving out? Any more news on the job front? Still thinking of moving over to Melbourne?

Anyway... would be nice to hear from you.

R
-----------------------

Well that's that out the way :-p

So yeah... I have this desire to know what she is up to... I'm sure its normal, I'm just still getting used to not being part of her life anymore, and me not being a part of hers.

I'm basically in a bit of a relapse frame right now... thinking about her a lot more at the moment than I have been. I can't actually even really imagine being over her... it just seems like such a pipe dream right now... incomprehensible almost.

The thing is though, I actually have no idea when we will even be living in the same city again... or even where that will be. It probably won't be within the next 18-24 months though anyway, so I don't even know why I am holding on to these feelings for her when I know it makes no sense.

These feeling will come and they will pass as long as you don't act on them and break NC. Give it time, you will be feeling better.

It's good that you posted that letter here rather than sending it to her.

Now that I know things about your personal life... what could I blackmail you for... hmmmm... LOL! :D

Hey EC, read what I'm writing and think about it. Again, we're in a similar situation - there are a couple of differences but... this thoughts have been very helpful to me.



I'm basically in a bit of a relapse frame right now... thinking about her a lot more at the moment than I have been. I can't actually even really imagine being over her...


You've been apart long enough, I think, for you to be able to control these thoughts. But you should try. It is hard. And it is godamn awful when you are down (like when you ask someone out and it doesn't go as you wanted to, or your day at work was bad). But you are in control right now. Give it a try.



It just seems like such a pipe dream right now... incomprehensible almost.


It feels like a dream. God knows how I want to wake up in mid-August of last year every single day. But when you wake up you are still single and feelling like crap. Don't treat this like a dream, OK? It is not. This is real life. It happened. It is over. Forget her. FORGET HER. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK. Specially if you keep wanting this to happen. Have you ever heard that women want you when you don't want them?



The thing is though, I actually have no idea when we will even be living in the same city again... or even where that will be. It probably won't be within the next 18-24 months though anyway, so I don't even know why I am holding on to these feelings for her when I know it makes no sense.

Does it matter? So what if she moves to the same city as you? Do you really think she'll move down or you'll move up and you guys will be like "Hey I still love you" and "Oh, me too, let's get married have kids and grow old together"!

If anything it will be either "Hey I still love you" and she'll be "Look, it was a long time ago and a lot of things happened". Or she'll say "Hey, do think you'd take me back?" and you will answer "Look, you had your chance but I don't see you in the same way anymore".

That is real life. Not movie crap. There is a 1 in 1000000 chance of you (and I think I should say we, because it applies to me to) of getting back together. It takes you REALLY forgiving her and not feeling she owes you because she hurt you. It will take she WANTING you back and not because she's feeling lonely and desperate (which is a case I've heard about from a friend... ). Both things. At the same time. Seriously, think about it. It can happen. You can also win the lottery. Would you rely on winning the lottery? No, you work. Same thing here. You shouldn't rely on her coming back. Live your life. Do not be like Julia Roberts in "My best friend's wedding".

I know how you feel because the bridges weren't burned... There's always that feeling that you should cross it in a white horse, or that you should keep watching in case she comes crossing. But that won't happen.

Of course, you can do like me and burn the bridges, hehe. I was really rude last time we spoke (last Wednesday... ), so I don't think she wants to be my friend anymore. Maybe I'll call in 4 years. When I invite her for my graduation. By then I should be really over her, LOL!

Hey ITL, thanks for the post... it definitely gives me a few things to think about.



You've been apart long enough, I think, for you to be able to control these thoughts. But you should try. It is hard. And it is godamn awful when you are down (like when you ask someone out and it doesn't go as you wanted to, or your day at work was bad). But you are in control right now. Give it a try.

I am trying to control these thoughts... I'm not acting on them, and I'm just telling myself to let it go. I guess maybe a part of it is that its summer time down here, and a long weekend too, and all my friends back home will be doing a trip, and I just think about how different things could have been... its silly, but it just enters my mind. Also other things too... I often think about what we were doing 1 or 2 years ago... like 2 years ago today we had just arrived in Mexico for a holiday... but yeah, I do need to try and better control these thoughts.



It feels like a dream. God knows how I want to wake up in mid-August of last year every single day. But when you wake up you are still single and feelling like crap. Don't treat this like a dream, OK? It is not. This is real life. It happened. It is over. Forget her. FORGET HER. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK. Specially if you keep wanting this to happen. Have you ever heard that women want you when you don't want them?

I more meant that the concept of getting over her is a distant dream... its going to be hard, but I know it will happen but I just need to keep working on it and let time do its thing. I know what you mean though... I do catch myself thinking "is this actually happening?...it wasn't meant to be like this" but then I realise it is happening, and it is like this, and I try and remind myself that its ultimately a good thing.





Does it matter? So what if she moves to the same city as you? Do you really think she'll move down or you'll move up and you guys will be like "Hey I still love you" and "Oh, me too, let's get married have kids and grow old together"!

If anything it will be either "Hey I still love you" and she'll be "Look, it was a long time ago and a lot of things happened". Or she'll say "Hey, do think you'd take me back?" and you will answer "Look, you had your chance but I don't see you in the same way anymore".

No it doesn't really matter... in fact by the time we ever are living in the same city again I am sure it will matter very little, if at all. I know she's not moving down here, and that I'm not moving back up there, and even if I did it wouldn't fix anything.

All I'm trying to say is that until we ever are living in the same city, there is no point in me letting it bother me. Its all out of my hands now. I don't know if you can put a figure on a chance of getting back. Once upon a time I would have said we had an 80% chance of getting back together one day... now I just know its not very likely at all... and its not something I'm hanging on to either. I am not waiting around for her... but I would be open to something in the future if the circumstances were right. Although things got a bit messy, nothing ever happened that would be insurmountable. Yeah it hurt me that she started seeing a couple of guys, but she didn't do anything wrong. I'm pretty sure I hurt her more by moving away.

But I do know that if anything ever was happen again, I first need to have completely moved on... and you are right, by that stage I probably would say: "Look, you had your chance but I don't see you in the same way anymore".

But I honestly I am not relying on her coming back, simply because of the fact that a) its most likely not going to happen and b) even if it did, it would be at least 2-3 years away... and I'm not going to sit on my hands for that long while she goes out and has a great time.

I guess all I am saying is that I look forward to the day when I can look myself in the mirror and know that I have fully moved on... and any thoughts of us ever being back together again will either have fully gone, or I'll just think to myself "you know what, maybe that would be nice, but either way I don't really mind". But while I'm looking forward to it, right now it just seems so far away.

You WILL get there though!!

She has been prolonging telling you for months now, read my post and see what I ended up with.

Just go no contact ASAP it is the only way - I know you aren't bitter and you still regard her as your best friend but does she really deserve an explanation?

Read my post, you will see that only bad things can come from hanging around and staying there for her.

You may just be enlightened - don't let it go to the point where you get so hurt that you turn to anger and then you lose that nice feeling of friendship or whatever it is you guys actually have.

With me and my ex sounds similar to this - anything you do except NOTHING will have an adverse affect, you cannot change the way she feels, she acts or how she talks to you.

I heard the I love yous and I continue - I got what I deserved and am learning the hard way

1 week NO CONTACT - it empowers you

Just see how it feels

Stop thinking about the good times,I bet the bad outweighed the good. Look at the time you have now with family and friends as a time to get to know people better,spend more time with them and just think you never know what's around the corner,the women of your dreams could be at that party tonight or the get together tomorrow. What's for you won't pass you by

Make a pros and cons list, I mean a REAL one. Not one you loving side makes, make one of the little things she did to tick you off, like bite her toe nails, not let you go do stuff, made you lose friends and every time you miss you, read that. It will set you up for a great NC battle

Haha. It might help in many cases - I also received this suggestion of making a list from a friend. But with me it backfired terribly! I felt even worse after doing this pros and cons thing. When I try to think on these terms I always end up with a "I loved what we had. Why did she have to ruin it?"

Well I seem to be doing better this week. Of course she is still on my mind... but not as painfully. Today marks 4 weeks of NC... its gone quickly and has felt good, hopefully for the next 4 weeks, and the 4 weeks after that, it will get even better everyday.

One thing I have realised recently, is that when we broke up for the first time, when we had been together for about 5 months, how differently I reacted back then.

I didn't realise it at the time, but I acted in a way which caused her to come back to me. She sat me down and gave the "we need to talk" line... and carried on to break up with me. It didn't really come out of the blue, but I was devastated all the same.

But... I didn't try and convince that she was making a mistake, I didn't barrage her with phone calls, when I saw her at university I kind of just stayed polite to her... I just accepted her decision and tried to move on with it all.

And then, lo-and-behold, she started pursuing me and wanting me back... and we did get back together and had an extremely happy further 18 months together. I guess I didn't realise it at the time, but it was those actions that caused her to come back to me. It was me not trying to win her back, but me letting her come back to me, and me deciding that we should get back together. Just an interesting thought. Circumstances were different this time around, but I have regrets over how it was all handled this time around. But you live and learn.

One thing that kind of bothers me a little, and even though I know it probably shouldn't, is that she is still friends with all my buddies... like hangs out with them all the time... the friends that I have know for 10 - 15 years. Its like she is still enjoying the benefits of the life that we created together... I don't know, its silly, but it bothers me a bit that she gets to hang out with my friends and I don't. It also bothers me because it means that when I go back home I am quite likely to run into her... although I'm sure she will know to keep her distance.

So after four weeks of NC... I do feel a lot better than I did when I was clinging on to that false hope. I guess I am also realising that she isn't going to reach out and contact me... for a long time, if ever. I suppose I had hoped that she might... but when she said "I won't contact you anymore" she obviously meant it... which is a good thing.

I am also getting the feeling that its going to take me meeting someone new, who I really like, to properly get over my ex... is this normal? I'm not meaning that I want to rush headlong into a relationship... but I get the feeling is that its going to take meeting someone else to really pull me through to the other side and be over her.

But yeah... another week of NC begins :-)

I feel the same way. I'm about 1 month ahead of you on the NC calendar. Recently though, I've really been thinking about her a lot for some reason. I think that I'm going to need someone new to get me completely over my ex as well.

It will come in due time my friend. Just keep your chin up and stay hopeful.

Its Valentines Day morning in this part of the world... how depressing. A part of me wants to dig out the card she gave me last year, but I think I'll just save myself the heartache and leave it sitting in its box of "ex stuff" in my cupboard.

Hey EC, just think of it this way - you get a free pass on not having to shell out a load of cash on a Hallmark holiday right? :)

It'll be the first Valentine's Day in like 7 years I'll be spending "alone" too, but I actually feel pretty good about it...

Man, don't worry about Valentine's Day. I cannot stand this holiday. The way I look at it, I will be saving a TON of money this year... hek, I might even just go buy myself something nice.

Maybe its time to go out and possibly find that "new" Valentine. That's what I think I may do. Not necessarily looking to hook-up, but a couple of numbers wouldn't hurt.

It's easy to tell who is single and who isn't on V-day. All the singles are out partying or whatever, and the couples are at dinner and whatever. I'm getting a couple of friends (guys and girls) together and doing singles night, tomorrow or Sunday.

I am trying not to let V-day get to me. This will be the first on in 4 years I'll be spending alone. Time to spend that money I would have spent on dinner, candy, and flowers, on myself.

Dude, exactly, please believe I'm going to be partying tomorrow night... hard... ive been doing it about every weekend and I haven't hooked up with a girl yet, or tried. Actually a girl tried to have sex with me two weekends back, I got her out of my dorm pretty quickly. Not even trying to deal with that stuff... I recommend you go out and have yourself a good time.

I actually feel kind of weird at the moment. My ex seems like such a distant memory... having no contact for 5 weeks now, I almost feel like I can't actually imagine us being together, or even being friends. I feel like I don't even really know her anymore... like all those memories of us together just seem a bit strange now.

As well as being Valentines Day, today actually marks 5 months of us being broken up. September 14th 2008... a lot has changed in that 5 months.

It all just feels a bit surreal right now.

But anyway... tonight should be a good night in town with lots of single girls out.

Oh yea, it's a weird feeling. Its been 4 months for me, still feels strange. What happens is, you just realize that they weren't as big of a part of your life as you thought. Go out do your own stuff, commit to yourself, you'll gain a ton of confidence, then even when you think about your ex it won't make you feel nearly the same. I feel sad for my ex more than anything, I feel a desire to help her, to talk to her. I try from time to time, but she's not on my level, she hasn't been doing the things necessary to truly get over me, she pushes away her problems rather than facing them, thus she hasn't gotten over me yet... Don't be like that, get over your ex the proper way, accept that she's not coming back, meet new people, have a good time. Focus on your own life and do things that give you confidence. That stuff works realllly well.

Hey Empty cans,

Treat this day as a normal day- people that are single = normal day, people in love = normal day as every day should be like a valentine day when one is in love- right? So today is no big deal really.

Go and celebrate your freedom tonight and take this as a new beginnings to many new things to come.

What ever you do - keep away from THE EX BOX, it will only upset you. I actually sent all mine back to the ex- with the cargo- I am glad I did that as now as I can never see them again, just what I remember with my memories- and that is enough pain as it is.

Have a great eve out and keep smiling- as you never know who will catch that smile!

Wow... I actually had a great night. Ended up hooking up with a smoking hot girl and going back to her place. Just kissing and the like, but it was a lot of fun.

This one was better than the other hookups I've had since the breakup... the other times I have basically just been pretty drunk and stumbled into a girls arms... this time I actually did a bit of groundwork and got the result. I forgot that I actually do have some game haha.

Good job man! You handled way better than me the Valentines!

Coming up to 3 weeks for me now, got my friends to come down for valentines and we partied.. Also, instead of spending money on a girl I bought myself a new TV.. ahhh the single life :p

So apparently my ex thinks that I "hate her". I know that shouldn't be my problem, but it does bother me. I don't hate her... I think she's a great girl and a wonderful person.

She has apparently been taking it really badly that I have cut her out of my life like I have. I'm not going to lie, that does make me feel like a bit of a prick. Buts its been good for me, and I'm a lot better know compared to what I was like 6 weeks ago.

Even so, I actually need to talk to her to sort some stuff out. So I'm going to give her a call tomorrow. This isn't a call to try and get her back or anything like that... its just to say hello, and sort out a couple of things that really need sorting.

To be honest, I'm strong enough now to not let this get to me. I no that NC means NC... but I also know that each case is different, and there are times when you need to talk some things over with an ex.

Anyway... I'll let you know how it goes down.

Hey EC, looks like the balance of power is shifting in your favor. If you feel this won't set you back go for it, but also don't be mean about it and give her a false sense of hope if you don't want her in your life.

Sounds like you're doing great otherwise, good luck! :)

Can't wait to hear about your latest confusion! If its not about business, or money, it's a bad idea. Just me though.

May I ask what is it that you need to talk with her? Is is urgent? Can't it wait? I don't want to generalize but I don't think it's a good idea to call her, unless you really need to. It's going to suck afterwards. Even though you might think you are strong... I'm telling from experience.

I've been having a couple of exchanges this past week and... even though I don't care about what she's up to or to talk about myself, and I was just wanting to make sense of a couple of things, it felt awful afterwards - the contrast between how she treated me and how cold she went towards me just knocks me down. I'm able now to not break down while talking to her and keep the dignity, it sucks afterwards. Love is tricky. Give yourself more time. Like a year or so.

Why do you think she thinks you hate her? How did you find this out? If you heard from a friend, just tell this friend it's not true, you're just healing... the message will find its way back without you talking directly to her.

EMPTY CANS,

My ex said the same thing."you hate me"? "You don't want to talk to me right"? "What would you say if I said I wanted to get back with you?"

Then when I would give in and answer... guess what?? He backs away to come back every two weeks to tell me the same thing. The last time I cut him off for good. Ignored him and its been 1 month NC.

They are all mind games. She may be upset that you cut her off, but that's cause she can't control you anymore and your not playing her game.

Don't be there to comfort her when she's only thinking about herself.

Dude she doesn't think you hate her, she's just trying to get you back under her control. By making you care she is getting what she wants. Its not a game, but it sounds like she wants to play you like it is... If I were you id make it short and sweet, don't have a long talk with her. If you think about it, how far could it really get and how great of an outcome could it really have? Ask yourself those questions first and try to depict the outcome in your mind, if the good doesn't outweigh the bad, then it's a waste of time.

I think Empty cans will be OK with this situation- I think this is him wanted to clear his mind for him- as he is strong and has a good mindset- I think whatever he wants to sort out- will be done. It may set him back a bit? But I think he knows he will bounce back with no time, once he clears his mind. I feel this as well when I saw my ex- as much as I worried on what confusion it would place me- I was surprised at the outcome and the effect it had on me was only POSITIVE. It gave me the strength to be firm with myself more than ever and NC became a piece of cake- easy peasy.

SO good luck empty cans- hope you manage to resolve whatever it is for you!

Basically, this is what the situation is.

For the last 3 or 4 months I have been thinking about doing a big trip to South America next year. Do some travelling, visit some friends that live there, see a part of the world I have never seen before, and just generally have a good time.

So anyway... there have been some really cheap flights on sale recently from Auckland (in NZ) to Buenos Aires leaving at the end of the year. So naturally, I have been pretty keen in this and looking into it.

One of my exs friends spent a year in Argentina and told me about these cheap flights, because she was keen to go to... and has actually bought tickets. And then she tells me that my ex also bought tickets to go too.

So anyway... it turns out that my ex and I are both going to be heading to South America (Argentina to begin with) at the same time.

But South America is a BIG place, and its not my intention to go travelling with her and her friend at all. Sure, I might see them for the first few days or whatever, but then I'm going to go off and do my own thing.

So that's what I need to talk to her about. I just need to run through it with her, she knows I'm going, and I know she's going, so if we didn't we didn't talk about it it would be a bit silly. To be honest, it's a very weird situation, I never really expected this to happen.

I know talking to her is probably going to bring back a bit of pain, but I can deal with it now. And I honestly don't see any way around it.

I'm afraid you are right... But don't talk about other stuff... like that you don't hate her, or whatever. It's pointless. If she asks, just cut it short saying "no". The worse part is talking about the past. Also, don't make plans to meet.

Yeah... I'm actually going back home on Thursday for a few days, but yeah, I'm not going to make any plans to meet. Definitely would not do me any good. And I'll steer the conversation away from talking about the past.

Well at least you can set your boundaries with yourself and the ex and know what you will do and not do - this way you can enjoy your trip without all the complications.

I really don't like the fact that I'm getting butterflies in my stomach about this phonecall...

Don't call! Bad idea! Bad idea! Abort! Send her an e-mail.

It will be fine... just nerves, which is only natural. Not talking to her has become so normal, it just feels weird to actually be about to talk to her.

If there is no way round this and you have to talk- then you better sit down and bullet point what you want to ask/clear and talk about. Best to write it down. This way your focus and well solid.

Anyway, I've been a bit sidetracked, so will fill in what happened...

Well it was a week ago that I called her. I honestly was expecting her to be really cold and just generally not care about I had to say.

But we got chatting, and she got all emotional (she had had a couple of glasses of wine apparently) and started crying about things. Saying how she had been doing a lot of thinking the last 6 weeks and she wasn't so sure about what she had decided. She told me how one night when she had been out, she broke down and told her best friend to drive her to the airport so she could catch the next flight down to visit me... and she just opened up about all this stuff. It was really not what I was expecting. She talked about how it had been much easier for her when we were still in contact and being "friends" and that she had found not being in contact really difficult etc etc. she also told me she was worried that I was going to bring a new girlfriend over on this trip to South America with me, which I found really odd. We had done a fair bit of travelling together (to USA, Mexico, Qatar and Egypt) and she must've been feeling that maybe she was going to miss out on these good times with me... as "us".

She said that she didn't really like how I had all the power (this made me chuckle a little inside), and how I had just made a decision to cut her out of my life.

It was good to talk to her... kinda weird, but good. I managed to keep my emotions in check, and I have been doing my best not to read anything into what she was saying, or trying to psycho analyse it all. The fact is that we don't live in the same city right now, so its not like we are just going to magically get back together.

I guess it was nice to realise that I had this effect on her... that she hadn't just gotten over me like that straight away. I know NC isn't a tool to win someone back, but I guess it has made her realise what she's given up on. And not saying that she wants me back or anything, but I guess she has maybe realised that we actually had something really great... but that right now is not the time for us. And we both know that.

We emailed a little the next day, she wished me a good holiday (im going overseas for a couple of weeks) and passed on her best wishes to my brother and his fiancé who are getting married next weekend. Case closed I thought.

As I mentioned, I went back home for last weekend. I did not make any plans to meet up with her, in fact it didn't really want to all that much, at least not on a 1 on 1 level. But then I was at a friends house and she called me up asking if it would be OK for her to join us. I probably should have just said a polite no thanks... but I was having a good time and didn't really want to just shoot her down after we'd had a good talk a few nights prior.

So she came around. My friends were worried that I was going to break down about it all, but I was fine. I just thought to myself "She is impingeing on my world, I'm not gonna let her affect my mood or my night out" and she didn't. It was kind of weird though... I didn't really expect her to want to come and hangout. And again, I'm doing my best not to read into any of her actions.

I did slip up a little bit, we were at a club dancing and I went to grab her hand and she shook it away and gave a funny look. It actually wasn't a big deal though. We actually ended up sleeping in the same bed (nothing happened other than sleeping... it was a big night) but that was also out of necessity as it was the only spare bed in the house.

But I guess the thing now is... where to from here? Like I don't really see the point in getting back in contact again, but at the same time it feels frustrating to have to get back into no contact again. The 6 weeks of no contact made me realise that I can get on with my life without her. For her not being in contact was really hard... for me it was so much easier than pretending to be friends.

The other thing is... is there anything to make of the things that she told me on the phone? Of her crying when she was talking about it all and getting emotional... and how she had been wondering whether she made the right choice... or how she had wanted to jump on a plane to come down and see me...

I guess, not surprisingly, I'm a little confused. Definitely not as confused as I once was, because I know how to handle this better now. I guess its good to know that I'm calling some of the shots now though.

OK. Enough dabbling in the past with your ex. Time to keep moving forward.

One question you have to truly and honestly answer for yourself...

Did any "old feelings" surface during the time you hung out with her?

Did you think about getting back with her at all?

It seems they may have since you active made a few passes at her (grabbing her hand, whatever else that may have transpired).

The mere fact that you admit that you are a little confused tells me and everyone else here, you are ready for a friendship with her yet. However, you did handle yourself well, IMO, and could possibly be friends at some point.

Get back to NC and give yourself some more time to reflect and do your own thing. Let this confusion settle and go maybe another 3 months and see where you stand.

Just remember, you have the power to make any decision you want, without her influence. Enjoy this time and make good decisions for you!

But we got chatting, and she got all emotional (she had had a couple of glasses of wine apparently) and started crying about things. Saying how she had been doing a lot of thinking the last 6 weeks and she wasnt so sure about what she had decided.
My ex did the same thing. Don't fall for it. He cried and said he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing too. I remained strong for a while that is until he then asked me if I would ever get back with him and if I would one day be his wife... I said yes. And got suckered in. Well to cut the story short he wanted to keep me on the back burner while still pursuing his rebound chic. I mean what is that?
Just focus on yourself for now... You already told her that you wanted to work things out. Let her be confused by her herself...

The other thing is... is there anything to make of the things that she told me on the phone? Of her crying when she was talking about it all and getting emotional... and how she had been wondering whether she made the right choice... or how she had wanted to jump on a plane to come down and see me...

I guess, not surprisingly, I'm a little confused. Definitely not as confused as I once was, because I know how to handle this better now. I guess its good to know that I'm calling some of the shots now though.

Hey EC, it looks like you handled the situation amazingly well and it definitely shows how long you've come so far, but don't rest on your laurels yet. The fact that you're a little confused shows that while you did well, you're not 100% completely over her yet.. and you started to wonder about if you should make anything of what she told you on the phone.

Just stay alert here - remember, YOU OWE HER NOTHING at this point and I recommend going full NC again. Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing. But at that point, the ball is back in your court and you can make the decision whether to give things a second try or not. It sounds to me like she just wanted to be near you as it may have given her some sort of comfort - don't be her emotional tampon.

Before you make any serious decisions, stop on by here and run it by us first if you want - that's what we're here for :)

Did any "old feelings" surface during the time you hung out with her?

Yep... they definitely did.


My ex did the exact same thing. Don't fall for it. He cried and said he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing too. I remained strong for a while that is until he then asked me if I would ever get back with him and if I would one day be his wife...I said yes. And got suckered in. Well to cut the story short he wanted to keep me on the back burner while still pursuing his rebound chic. I mean what is that?

Looks like this is what has happened to me...


Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing.

That is very good advice. I did my best to assume her words meant nothing... but they still managed to work their way into me and raised that hope.

But anyway... I spoke to her again last night. She thought I was ringing her up to have a go at her for seeing me over the weekend... and apparently she had just blocked me on Facebook so that she wouldn't come up in my search results and thus I couldn't add her as a friend (I have no intention of adding her... I really enjoy not having her on there)... kinda strange . But the reason I called was that I wanted to, stupidly, see if she wanted to come to my brothers wedding on the weekend. This is something we had talked about when we broke up... we said we would see how things went and if they were OK she would come to the wedding.

Obviously things weren't OK until we chatted last week and they went well. A part of me wants her at this wedding... shes been a big part of my life, she knows and gets on well with my family... it kind of seemed right that she should be there.

Anyway... she was kind of surprised by this, and as much as she wants to come she said we both need to think about it more before deciding.

The conversation kind of turned serious... talking about us etc... I basically told her that I didn't know where to place her... whether to just cut her out of my life completely, or whether to just remain in contact somewhat and see how things turn out in the future... leaving the door ajar so to speak.

I told her that the things she said last week had me confused, about getting upset and tell her friend to take her to the airport so she could come down to see me etc etc. She said that it was wrong of her to tell me those things and she wasn't trying to confuse me.

So basically... I got "suckered in". She must have just been worried that I was moving on from her, and this was her way to reel me back in again. I know she's not doing it on purpose... I think its just what girls do. Now that she knows I'm still there as an option, she's back on track.

She did tell me that right now she just sees me as a friend, and that I can't offer her more than that anyway. Which is true... and I totally agree, right now I can't offer her more than that. And I don't know when I will be able to either.

She also asked if I had been seeing anyone... and I just told her I had hooked up with a few girls, but no one girl in particular. She said she had seen a guy a few times... but wouldn't say that she was "seeing him". Whatever that means... I don't know what she was really trying to achieve by asking this. I guess she just knows that I don't have a girlfriend.

This is getting a bit long... but she also told me that I need to decide what I am going to do. Like I'm either not talking to her or I am. She doesn't think its right that I can just talk to her when I want, but she can't talk to me. I guess by breaking NC I have put myself in a bit of a predicament.

I feel like I've handled it well, sure, its brought the pain slightly closer to the surface, but I know its nothing I won't bounce back from quickly. And at the same time... I really like talking to her. But I know that all it does is just bring about confusion, as hard as I try to let it not.

So as Tal says, the only way to stop this confusion is to go NC. And I think that's how I'm going to go... this delving into the past with my ex the last week or so has shown me that I have come a long way, but also that I do have a lot further to go. The feelings are still there, I just know how to handle them better now.

I think it just comes down to the above quote:

"Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing."

And next time, UnluckyDucky... I'll listen to your advice below:


Before you make any serious decisions, stop on by here and run it by us first if you want - that's what we're here for

Yes, you are obviously deeply affected by all of this contact you have been having with her. I think it is still WAY to early to try and form a friendship with her.

Time to go NC and give it more time.

So its been a little while since I posted on here... but I thought I would a bit of an update. Most of these threads do seem just to end and you never really know what's going on with everyone's story.

The reason I haven't been posting is that I have been feeling a million times better about everything, Im definitely past the worst of it although not out of the woods yet.

So my ex and I are in contact again... she did end up coming to my brothers wedding (we actually ended up in the same bed that night, but nothing happened although it could have)... we both realised that was a stupid idea and just agreed to pretend it never happened.

She added me as a friend on Facebook, and I accepted... and that also has been fine. I was in NC for about 2 months and it was absolutely what I needed, but for now I am managing to cope with just being friends... it definitely helps not being in the same city though. I guess I am trying to make a friendship work because we triend to break up on good terms, and although things got messy and I did get really hurt, I need to try and remember that this was both of our doing... we were both just a little naïve.

It does seem to be getting a little easier though everyday and I have caught myself going minutes and then hours without thinking about her. She does still pop into my mind and it still hurts sometimes... but I know I am getting better.

For some reason the last couple of weeks have been really hard... I have been thinking about her a lot and what we had. It really is the first time in months I have been thinking about it like this. I guess these relapses just happen? Anyone else had this happen to them many months down the track?

But anyway, things are generally pretty good. I find myself being attracted to lots of other girls out there and even a couple that I have actually really been interested in.

Maybe had I just carried on with my NC this whole time things would be better... but maybe they wouldn't. The 2 months of NC I did do though were priceless and really set me on the right course. Thanks to all those who have posted on this thread and helped me through some of my most trying times... your help has been invaluable!

HI Empty Cans- glad to hear your well-

I find that whenever the ex contacts ( last time was in March) me- I find myself slipping back to that hell hole slowly.In fact I realised that this happens even when his family members get in touch, just to say a simple hi and how are you doing... I end up thinking about what we had, what he did and how much he hurt me and how now my life is so different- in many ways it is better-and in many ways I miss what we had and so I end up feeling torn to death. Just this weekend I actually asked his family members to respect my wishes and never to contact me again as I get a email from them every 2-3 weeks and it has a negative impact on me. I was v upset to actually having to ask that again from them, but it is sadly the only way for me. I find it very hard to move forward in life, if they are still in contact with me- I can't live that life or be apart of it and live the one I am in right now and have them lurking around this one- it does not make sense, nor does it have a purpose except for more pain. I feel that was the right decision for me- as this is the only way I can focus on me now.

With kind regards
Zeeniee

Hey EC. I guess I did pretty much the same thing as you did... Did the NC for a while then slowly started speaking again with her, without second intentions, just to talk really... I don't know if it's a bad idea. But I don't feel it hurts me at all. Plus, at the same time I have going out with other local girls... haven't been really attracted by anyone, but I have been doing my thing.

I really feel I'm in a very good spot now. I didn't fall for anyone else, but I really don't care about that anymore. It's bound to happen and I'm not in a stage of my life where I need to have someone. I think the problem is that for a while I felt I HAD to have someone. I don't. I'm open and looking but I don't care if I my weekend plan is just watching a movie with my roommate. I'm happily single as I was happy in the relationship with my ex, and as I was a happy child before I didn't even know what sex was.

And about being just friends... For us this is a fiction. It doesn't exist. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but it would be foolish for us to pretend we're "just friends". We know that. We're in this gray area where things would happen every time we meet but we wouldn't go back to the distance thing, I think. I'm not going to try to cope with that. She's not mine and she'll do whatever she wants with her life. Same here. But I'm not going to pretend that we could meet and just say hi as if nothing happen.

Yep, any contact or news about the ex will cause you to slip a little. You start rehashing everything, over and over again. Just tell yourself, "Whatever...her loss.", and keep on rolling along. It will keep you from dwelling on things.

I went to a wedding this weekend with a few mutual friends of me and her. My one friends BF told me he met my ex and her new guy. He said that the dude is a total loser. That's not the first time I've heard this... but all the same it makes me wonder how things got so bad that she decided to drop everything with me to go out with this other guy that isn't as good for her... :confused:

Hey, whatever... I know I am the better man.

That's what you have to keep telling yourself.

Let the feelings settle. I don't think the whole Facebook friends thing is a good idea. Spending the night in the same room wasn't a good idea either. You are handling this well, but I think for your own well being you need to keep contact with her down to a minimum. Only talk to her if you absolutely have too. Always be polite and civil. If you keep this up, you will always be confused. Your have to remember, your relationship with her will never be what it was. If you are going to be friends, you have to keep that in mind. It's one the hardest things to accept for people. This is the biggest reason why being friends with ex's is very hard. You will always harbor some sort of feelings for them, and many times they get in the way.

At any rate, it's great to hear back from you Empty. Definitely see what those other girls that you're interested have to offer and don't let all this contact with the ex get you down too much.

I agree with jmw0713,

For me the ex causes nothing- but for me to slip and then for me to sabotage everything to pieces= does me no good at the end.

I am lucky in the sense I live on the other side of the planet- but still I do hear things about the ex- like- I have heard that the ex and his chick have split up- how true that is I don't know and I don't care- cos it does not change anything for me nor will it bring back anything we had.I have also heard not good things about the chick my ex is seeing- made me wonder that I got dumped for a complete looser? That just does not make sense- I think I would feel better if I knew I was dumped for someone who was better than me- oh well what is done is done. I am a much better person and I am in a much better place in my heart and world-that is what matters at the end.

I don't think I can do friends with the ex- cause I can't see how I can downscale from loving someone v much to just friends? I guess if I was ever friends with an ex- it would be because I was never really in love in that way and so becoming friends would be fine and do-able. I guess each one is different in that respect- some people can do this, others cant.

Maybe had I just carried on with my NC this whole time things would be better...but maybe they wouldn't. The 2 months of NC I did do though were priceless and really set me on the right course.

Lol, sometimes we feel so good, we think we are cured.

Get back on the course, and the those old stirred up feelings will fade away. This happens when you break No Contact before your really ready, but you are doing quite well actually. Just needs a bit more work.

Hey guys,

Well my ex started chatting to me tonight and asked me to give her a call. I knew something was up...

Anyway... this weekend I am heading back home to catch up with my parents and some friends. Like I said, I knew something was up, and I said in my last post that I had been feeling kind of weird the last few weeks, thinking about her more often and that sort of stuff.

So anyway, the reason she wanted to talk was to tell me that she is seeing someone. I don't know how I knew something was up... but Ive just had this feeling. Its like I have some sort of intuition... like I know her so well that I could just sense that this was going to happen. The same thing happened last year a month or so before we broke up... it dawned upon me all of a sudden that it was over.

So yeah, she's seeing someone and just wanted to let me know before I found out from someone else when I am back home for the wkend. I don't know if I'm glad I that know or not. I know the guy, he lives with one of my good mates. Hes a nice guy, if that's any consolation.

To be honest... I feel OK. I am not about to crumble into a heap and break down. Im not over the moon about it either... it feels weird.

She said they are just seeing each other and its nothing serious yet blah blah blah. Whatever... it doesn't really matter. We talked about things for a little while... I felt maybe 5% of the emotion that I felt 7 months ago when I found out she was seeing someone then. Back then it consumed me... now I'm just a bit like 'oh well, I guess this is just more reason to move on with my life'. It sucks... but yeah, it is what it is.

I did say one thing to her... I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I told her that "I know our lives are in different places right now, and I'm not waiting around for you or anything, but if you ever thought about 'us' again, I would like you to tell me. Because I would hate for us to both ever be thinking that and nothing come of it." Or words to that effect anyway... I just feel better having said that...

Anyway... so yeah, sucky news, but not something I can't deal with anymore. It was always going to happen... I just feel that I am really going to need to meet someone else for me to move on to the next step.

Life moves on, goes on, whatever... it is what it is... at any rate, I have a feeling once you are fully over this you will have zero desire to date her again. Just a hunch.

Have fun catching up with your family and friends and I am glad to hear that you are doing much better.

Hey Empty Cans,

Well you can look at this in a positive way in that she told you before you came over and so this way you can give yourself some time to digest things and be good with you. At least now you know it is over in the sense she is moving on, and I am sure will you in your own good space and time- no point rushing on this- just keep doing all the stuff you have been doing since you parted with her and I am sure you will be in a much better place.
Take it easy
Zeeniee

I've slumped back into a bit of a rut again...

This whole her seeing another guy thing has really hit me a lot harder than I thought. I thought Iwas doing much better than this and would be able to deal with it, but its making me feel like I did 6 or so months ago. Especially difficult as they are now a proper item, rather than someone she is just seeing.

Makes me feel even worse that this is all happening around my group of friends, I feel like she has just taken over my group of friends and I have been left out in the lonely cold.

I'm doing my best to just try and let go... but it's a lot harder than I had ever imagined. I just get all these pictures in my head of us, of all these plans we had made, of how cool it was that she slotted into my group of friends so well... but now she's slotting into my group of friends with another guy.

Its probably normal for me to feel like this... it was always going to be a bit of a shock when she had an actual new boyfriend... I guess I just hate how it all seems to have just fallen into her lap... and I'm still so devastated by it all.

I'm trying to use this to give me some closure, accept that she has moved on and that I need to as well... I just really don't feel it happening right now though.

I know how you feel! The thoughts of my ex with another guy are a biatch! I deal with them almost everyday at some point. I start asking myself "where did I go wrong?" "Was it all my fault?"

I am just realizing that no matter what the answers are, it will not change anything. The only way the situation will change, is if I change it myself.

To get all of the frustration out and to elevate my mood, I hit the gym... hard. I've been doing this for the last 9 months, and I will tell you... I feel like a million bucks when I'm done. It makes all of those thoughts not matter as much, for a time. It is a natural drug, so to speak.

Try that for a little while. I will guarantee you will feel better. It is best to go multiple times a week. It will build your confidence, make you look good, and help your mood.

Take sometime away from your friends, for now. Settle down and get some things done. It sucks that she is so entrenched in your group of friends. You will need to plan your outings with them very carefully, to avoid any contact with her. Also make it a point to tell them, that you do not want to hear anything about your ex... PERIOD. That should help.

Are there any other people you can hang with that she doesn't?

Did I mention going to the gym?

This thread makes me very,very,angry.

I have just read the entire thing.

And first of all I want to say I can relate about 90%

My ex is the same,manipulative,cold hearted,and a cheater,who left me for someone else (the same as your case... twice)

And this went on for a very very long time... this back and forthness

Until I decided on no contact,and It wasn't because I was strong or anything,it was because out of no where I pulled out self respect

Because this time I wasn't just 'left for someone' but they didn't 'really date them'

No this time... two DAYS after seeing me and sleeping together it was

Me finding out my ex was seeing someone... how?

Myspace...

So they had cheated on that person and me at the same time

While confronted with this (you bet I did) my ex told me that I meant nothing

Compared to my exs new two week relationship...

Great..


All right OK... to be honest even that didn't get me over my ex... I still tried to be friends.

And be civil.

However...

The last straw was when I found out two weeks after seeing me and saying the above etc etc

My ex had slept with this new person

TWO WEEKS

So I was immensively disgusted

I immediantly got on the phone and told my ex there was no way they could have loved me in the past and gotten over me in two weeks (completely)

And the response I got?

"I never stopped loving you,you pushed me away by freaking out"

Again it just fueled my anger

I am not one of those people like yourself who would see my ex after that or even consider giving her a second chance

She's dirty,tainted,filth

How can you even think of her the same?

By leaving you for that guy,she is saying indirectly she never loved you

Because obviously you couldn't just get over her in a day or whatever

And look how both times she keep you as backup until she found someone else,sweet huh?

So save your efforts for someone who cares and will treat you the way you deserve

And the next time she calls

Don't even answer

When my ex used to call me saying 'sorry for everything'

Or things like that or even worse 'whats up'

I used to get so angry,and start asking why why why why

Now I realize my ex doesn't even deserve that

Silence hurts them more as you can see

Keep it

If she calls you.. let it go to message machine..

If she emails you... open it but don't respond

Let her suffer like you did

No empathy for the heartless

Trust me I have been through hell

Another thing you might want to remember.
To the ex this is how no contact is interpreted.

You having no contact= "i'm not okay with how you treated me,I still expect an apology,and until you mean it,you don't deserve my time"

Having contact= "I'm over it,it no longer bothers me,what you did wasn't so bad"

Again... can you forgive someone truly,who can't and won't change?

That's your personal choice.

You raise some good points 57373 and I can appreciate where you are coming from. She didn't "cheat" on me as such... it all happened after we broke up, doesn't really matter though, she hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt. And in truth, I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive her for the way it all went down. Even now when I think about my last trip back home and her rubbing this new guy in my face pretty much... in front of me, with my friends...

The recklessness with which she treated my heart... its something that has definitely scarred me.

She's a great girl, and we had a blast, but its over now and I just have to pick myself up and carry on.

I've actually been doing a lot better the last couple of days. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, and its still often the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I put my head down to rest...

I suppose I am just accepting the situation more and more every day... I am starting to make plans which will put her well out of the equation. I had thought of moving to Australia next year... and she had been thinking the same, but to different cities. Although this is something I want to do as well, I know that deep down I just wanted to put myself closer to her so that things might work themselves out, I don't know. But now my plan is move to London... I have a UK passport (but I'm from New Zealand) so its no issue and my parents will be living there next year as my father is starting a job there.

I feel like I'm running away from my problems a bit, but there are too many memories here, and I just need to get away...

We hadn't been in touch for a week or so but she sent me an email today saying she had paid back some of the money she owes me. We exchanged a couple of meaningless emails... and then I got on with my work.

And I went to the gym tonight and that made me feel better... everything just seemed a little brighter today. Maybe I'm turning a corner, but I know there are a lot more to corners to come on this journey.

I just figured that I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to look forward to. I'm young, have great friends, I'm healthy, I'm adventurous, I have seen more of the world than most people already and I'm only 24, I'm handsome, I have the ability to attract a great girl and to love and be loved. If this really is the biggest obstacle that I am to face in my life then I will have had it pretty sweet. There's a girl out there who actually deserves me... my ex clearly didn't. And one day I know she will realise that she missed out...

Something that Talaniman said on another thread really struck me:

"You just can't accept her feelings have changed. One day you will, because you will be in that position where your feelings change too."

I think I hadn't been able to accept that her feeling had changed... but now I am beginning to, and I look forward to the day that mine will change too and I can look back on all of this.

Wanting to get away? Move?

I felt exactly the same when I broke up with my ex (finally for the last time)

But guess what after 2 months of NC,I don't mind where I am, a vacation would be nice sure (I am planning some) but really the best way to get over an ex is act as if they died.
Morn the loss,and never look back.

I don't know why you are still talking to her?

Everyday you will be reminded,and based on her behavior,once you DO find someone,I can guarantee she will try to 'win you over',this girl seems to like control.And you might say 'but our conversations are purely platonic'
Yeah but you know as well as I do,those are the worst kind.Small talk with someone who screwed you over (at least in my case) is like working overtime with no lunch break.

And you might say,you're starting to lose interest... well just like you quoted... its a scale.. the second you honestly lose interest she will gain it.. like when you ignored her for two months.

It goes in circles over and over until you cut them out... trust me I've dealt with this for a year and a half but thankfully no more.

You do way too much for this girl who has done nothing for you,talking to her on the phone is horrible enough,but you actually meet her and see her too?

At that rate you will never truly move on.

Its been a couple of months since I last posted so thought I would give a bit of an update in case anyone is still interested... would be nice to hear a few of your thoughts.

So I'm actually doing really well at the moment... after this whole thing went down with my ex seeing someone else, I basically decided to just drop it all and get on with things.

For a while I thought I was suffering full blown depression and had even thought about seeing a professional. But as quickly as I thought that I managed to drag myself up again... I started going to the gym, having been going snowboarding lots, making plans for the future. And I forced myself to stop thinking about my ex...

I just cut her out of my life... no Facebook chatting, no texts, no emails... I just decided to focus on myself.

I'm in the best shape I have been in and actually have people commenting on how I have bulked up with some muscles, it feels good.

I even got laid for the first time since the break up... it made me think of that "What to expect when you break up" post by Friend4u... it wasn't that great, but at least I did it haha.

I have made plans for next year... bought myself a one way ticket to London so going to have a go at living there next year. Once I had booked that I felt so much better... I had a plan, something to work towards... something that I knew would not involve her and would help me take my mind off her. No more thinking about the possibility of us living in the same place next year... things have been going really well.

I made a bet with myself that I wouldn't look at her Facebook profile for the whole of August... and so far so good. We are still FB "friends" but I have made it so that her updates don't show on my homepage... so this way I don't have to know what she's up to, but don't have to remove her completely. Might sound a bit silly but it works for me.

She has popped up in my life now and again... she told me she got the feeling I didn't want to talk to her much anymore... and I just told her that yeah, its just easier not to right now.

She followed that up with an email about a week later apologising for "hitting me up" about it... we exchanged a few emails and I just again said yeah, its easier this way... its not that I hate her or don't care, its just simply that its easier for me.

Anyway this weekend she told me that this guy she has been seeing was in my town and that he might send me a text so we could go for a beer or something... hahaha, yeah right. I have nothing against the guy but I don't exactly want to go and hang out with him either. Luckily he also realised it would be a stupid idea and didn't bother sending me a message.

I don't know why I asked, but I guess curiosity got the better of me... but I asked her if they were still together, And she said no... but she was glad I asked because she had been wanting to tell me.

So now that she's not with anyone any more it just seems that she's trying to once again keep me at arms reach. Its like chicks have a sixth sense about these things... they can sense you are moving along with things so they pop back up into your life again to try and keep you in line.

But anyway, I'm not falling for it this time and I'm just going to keep on doing what I have been doing...

But overall things are really good... I have even manage to catch myself going hours on end without thinking about her... one time I was actually like "wow....you just went all night without thinking about it". Its funny... but I really can feel myself getting better.

Well done. Sounds like you are doing very well EC. I am glad to hear that.

I must have a very strange ex, as she never tries to contact me (believe me I am the same way). I just find it weird that so many people's exs try and keep in touch with them... my ex and I haven't talked to each other in at least four months and I would bet the house it will stay like that.

At any rate, I am proud of you. Keep up the good work and thanks for the update. Does good to see people actually progressing.

My ex doesn't contact me either. Oh well...

Good job EC. I'm glad you look to be finally getting over all of this. Hopefully you come back and update this thread periodically. It's good to get these success stories. It helps break-up all of the heartbreak stories and shows others that there is light at the end, you just have to be determined enough to get there.

I haven't been coming to AMHD often so I only read this update now... This thing about exes (that is also true with other women I've been with, maybe it's something of the human nature) is that when you want it, they reject you, but when you don't want it, the harder you kick (nicely and gently, please) the stronger they hold on to your foot.

Seems you're doing fine. I feel the point is when you plan your life around yourself and not around others... That's when you're doing well.

Well I thought it was about time for another update.

I'm still doing really well and happy with where things are at. In two months time I'm off travelling to South America for about 3 months so really looking forward about that.

Anyway, ex decided to pop back into my life again and we spoke on the phone for the first time in ages about a month ago. She called to tell me that she had been in a car accident, thankfully she wasn't hurt, but she wrote off her mum's car and got charged for drunk driving. Stupid girl. Anyway, so its cost her a fair bit of money and she's not coming to South America anymore. Not a big deal for me either way as I was only going to see her for a couple of days over there anyway... but yeah, sucks for her obviously as she had planned this with two of her best friends for months.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later she sends me an email at work basically crying out for help. She said she hasn't been sleeping properly for months, her drinking is getting the better of her, she doesn't like who she is and where her life is going and she thinks she needs professional help but she wants my input as I 'know her better than anyone else'. Of course I am naturally concerned by this and write back to her giving some advice, saying she should see a counsellor and that she is a good person but just needs to take control of her life.

Anyway, she said she burst into tears when she read my email blah blah blah. I was just glad I could help; she does mean a lot to me and I do obviously still care about her.

So we have been getting on OK the last few weeks, sending the odd email, no big deal, just checking in to see that she's OK. She still sounds like she is in a really bad way, but at least is taking steps to get her life in order. She tells me that I am "the nicest guy ever. Most guys are s, but you definitely aren't".

I guess all this just made me realise that I do have my life in order; I'm overall pretty happy with things, and while still a bit upset about some things, I'm a million times better than I have been.

So things take a bit of a twist, I have just been to Australia for a holiday with some friends and I got back and she wanted to hear about it so I gave her a call. Sounded like she was doing a little better and stuff... but then she decides to blurt out her favourite line. "I need to tell you something....I'm seeing someone". To be honest I'm a bit surprised by this and naturally it still hurts... its not something that I wanted to or really needed to hear. Anyway, we talk about it for a while, I can't really remember what was said, but I was just surprised by who she was going out with, especially given what she has just told me about her mental state. The guy is a total arrogant prick as well and I really thought she had better taste.

Naturally I'm a bit upset by this but its nothing I can't handle, to be honest I am actually used to it by now. She hits me up on chat a bit later and apologises for telling me etc etc and says "feel free to call/text me if u want, even if to just yell at me or if u want to be angry or get something off ur chest". I decline her offer, but then wake up in the middle of the night and think f*** it, I am going to get a few things off my chest.

So the next day I send her the following email:

You asked me yesterday if there was anything I wanted to 'yell at you' or 'get off my chest'…well I guess there are a few things I thought of. I have always been better at writing down what I feel.

First of all I really am fine with everything right now and I am not
the wreck that I was 9 or 10 months ago. I have my life in order, I'm happy and have made some exciting plans for the future.

I suppose what I want to get off my chest is how I feel things have gone down since we broke up.

I have been really hurt by what has happened…part of that has been my fault because I didn't know how to deal with things and I handled it all pretty badly. There are a lot of things I wish that I did and didn't do.

Since we broke up you have had a number of things/flings with
guys….Tom, Simon, Ben, Dave and Neil and there's probably more I don't (and don't want to) know about. I guess hearing that you were with someone else really hurt, but even more so I just felt that it cheapened and was disrespectful to what was a serious relationship between us. That fact alone probably hurt most of all.

I suppose it all reminds me of the saying “don't be reckless with
other people's hearts; don't put up with people that are reckless with yours”.

At the end of the day it's a free world and you can do and see what and who you want. To be honest I could understand what you saw in Dave, he seemed like a good guy and I accepted it and thought that it actually was gonna be something serious.

I don't really know Neil, apart from the fact that he has a bigger
wardrobe than Sarah and frequently sends picture messages of his abs to Steve. I guess the word arrogant springs to mind. When I was up in Auckland last he asked me if 'Dave was still stuffing you'. Ouch.

Maybe I have it all wrong and he's a good guy, but given what you have told me about what you have been going through lately I was surprised to hear that you think it's a good idea to get in a relationship with anybody.

I also feel like I have been somewhat alienated from my friends
because of all of this. They have to tiptoe around topics and keep
things from me in order to protect me from getting hurt. Matty in
particular pretty much won't even mention your name around me. There is no way I can come to Auckland and hang out with them all and feel completely comfortable, which is exactly what happened when I was up in June and you and Dave were around.

In spite of all this I obviously still care about you immensely.
Please don't take this as a personal attack on you, it isn't. And I'm
not trying to talk you out of whatever you have with Neil; ultimately that's none of my business. There were just a couple of things that were probably best to get off my chest.

I'm not upset at you or angry with you about any of this. Our lives
are dragging us down very different paths right now and I look forward to the day that they cross one day in the future, whenever that might be. I just hope that you can be as happy as you were when we were together. And I hope that I can be too.

So yeah, it probably was a stupid idea and its maybe something I should have just posted on here instead. But its done now and I don't feel bad about it all. I just woke up in the middle of last night my mind once again whizzing because of her making me feel crap and I just wanted to let loose once. Let her know that ultimately she has treated me like crap been reckless with my feelings. Not surprisingly I haven't heard back from her. I don't need the drama of her being in my life anyway. It's a privilege for her to have me in her life as far as I am concerned.

Anyway, would be interested to know if you have any thoughts on all of this...



EC

Good job

Man… in my opinion you got played, again.

She got exactly what she wanted out of you, an emotional response. Hook has been set and you got reeled in. You just confirmed that she has emotional control over you. Instead of the long whiny babbling email you could have summed it up in one sentence, "I'm still pining over you."

You do see how she effects you each time she contacts you, don't you? You get inflated with hopes and delusions and then POP, she deflates you with her newest escapade and you freak.

Break the cycle buddy. If she does respond... don't read it. Delete it! Do yourself a favor and let yourself be free. Try 6-12 months without cyber stalking, pining, spying, and worring about her I think you'll find that you're in a much better place. I know you say you're all better now... but damn, reread your email to her in a year and you'll probably want to crawl under a rock.

I apologize if I sound harsh here but I just want this to soak in. And yes, it's only my opinion so you're free to use as you see fit. Good luck, stay strong.

Your email absolutely reaks of jealousy, insecurity, desperation, the list goes on... WHY did you send it? All you're doing is stroking her ego and validating her in leaving you. Don't lie to yourself saying you're not bothered.

You need to wake up and finally put an end to this. Read the post you made a month ago, you were doing fine then. Why did you break no-contact? Complete NC is the only way out of this cycle. By that I mean don't ever speak to her again. You said it yourself - you don't need the drama. You've been in this loop of pain far too long already, get out before you become insane!

Anyway yeah you guys are right, was a bit stupid and I feel like a bit of an idiot. Re-reading it after a day and I want to crawl under a rock. All good though, just another thing to take in my stride.

We all do this, just go back to NC and hang in there, don't worry too much about stupid emails you write.

I wouldn't beat myself that hard, EC. But I think people here are right. You are still emotional about the whole thing, it seems. I think your attitude from now on should be to let her live her life, no matter how dumb her life decisions are.

Go after another women. It's been a year already, right? It'll give you something else to think about.

No worries buddy... had my share of moments I don't care to relive either. Kind of like fire when you were a kid... didn't matter what your parents said sooner or later you were going to play with the fire until you got burned. It's that epiphany of, "Damn! I won't be doing that again..." Live and learn.

It happens. Just don't dwell on this "mistake". Learn from it and move on from it. Everyone has weaknesses and everyone does things they think are wrong and regret. In reality, all of these things are very small compared to what we have left to go through in our lives. It just a part of life that you have to learn to deal with.

Has been a couple of weeks since all this went down and I feel like I am doing okay again but still have my moments.

Have again cut her out of my day to day life (I see a pattern emerging here)... so no phonecalls, chats, facebooking etc etc. This time I am determined to break the cycle and not let her play me again like she has about 5 times now.

Like I said, I have my moments, thoughts of her and this new guy still come and go but I just try and deal with them at that moment and carry on.

Today has been a harder day than normal as it would have been 3 years of being together... not that that really matters as we didn't even make it to two years, but its just another date that sticks out I guess.

On the bright side I am off adventuring around South America in 5 weeks and I will only have to avoid her in my home city for 2 nights before I fly out of there. After that who knows when I will even see her again... could be 2 or 3 years away or even longer. By that stage I won't even care about seeing her again anyway.

I think part of the problem for me has been that I haven't met any girls this year that made me want to take my mind off my ex... sure I have met some nice girls, but none have gauged my interest enough to push the thoughts of my ex out of my mind. Part of that problem probably has to do with living in a ski resort town where there are pretty much 5 guys to every girl and then most of those girls are already taken. But anyway, that will all change next year.

Going from how its panned out in the past after another week or two of letting all this soak in I'll be 10 times better and then before I know it I'll be a single guy on holiday surrounded by beautiful South American girls...

I would caution you against looking for a girl to take your mind off your ex. That usually doesn't work out for the best. Have you ever seen the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"?

Don't hop on the next train right away. You have no idea where it will take you. One night stands and rebounds are like a drug, they only temporarily kill the pain. When you come down from that "high" and the "newness" of the situation wears off, you'll be right back where you started.

It's best to take your time and choose who you want to be with, not cave in to physical wants or needs. You will find a much higher quality woman this way.

You will find someone. Just keep putting yourself out there. Maybe even try online dating, although that hasn't work for me yet... :confused:

Hi Empty cans,
Just look at it this way- the worse is over and you are free. The fact you have cut all contacts= good thing for you.

You can now focus on your hoilday to S. America and just enjoy the beauty of this world, and have some fun travelling and meeting lots of people.

Don't worry so much about meeting girls as a quick fix- as that will just make you more messy- just do things for you and enjoy yourself-give yourself a break by removing your own pressure and expectations -this takes time and before you know it, when you least expect it- you will bump into someone that will make you smile again.

I am a guy, and its very easy to think you can replace one female for another, and feel better. Trust me, you can't.

But what you can do is date them all and have a great time with no other expectations other than have fun. I usually don't tell young guys to date after a break up, because they expect, and want to fall in love and end up in disaster.

When you can just let your hair down and be yourself, and not fixate on just having someone of your own, you will have freed yourself from the burden of falling in the same traps all guys fall into, emotional attachments before your ready, that lead to emotional dependence. That's a disaster.

I'm not saying being a player who is selfish and doesn't care about anyone but themselves. I am say dating can be fun, if you don't get carried away. That's the point, have fun and time will fly, and you before you know it, you'll be saying "ex who".

Sometimes it feels like I am going round in circles with all this crap...

Its been almost a year since I first posted on here and sometimes the hurt almost feels just as bad as it did then. I know I have come a long way, and I know the worst is all definitely behind me, just sometimes I feel there is still a long hard road ahead of me.

I suppose its just the cycle kicking back in again... I have long periods where I feel OK but then you get the odd blip where I feel like crap again.

I'm somewhat my own worst enemy and Facebook has caught me out again. Whilst I virtually never (there has been the very occasional weak moment) look at her page or photos of her I did come across a photo of her and this new guy with all my friends at a party... and that still hurts because those are my friends and its my world I feel that she has taken over. I still deal with thoughts of them together every day. I'm just thankful I don't have to deal with it in person.

Anyway, just a bit of a rant... I try and avoid talking about this stuff with my friends now as I just feel that I'm better to just concentrate on working through things at my own pace and the less time I talk about it with people the better probably... but this forum is a good way to get things off my chest.

I know it all takes time... I just feel like sometimes its taking way too long. But it is all just a process and as each day does go by I am one day closer to getting there.

Hey buddy, I know how you feel. I just pulled myself out of the trap. I was pretty much talking to my ex 2-3 times a week and actually making plans with her and helping her with stuff for the last 2 months...

I woke up last week. I went out with her and a friend and didn't like what I was seeing and severely put all the progress I made in jeopardy. I had to make the choice for myself. I was either going to be a doormat and a pawn in her game, while watching her move on, or I was going to take control of my feelings, thoughts, and actions and really cut her out of my life. Well, that's what I did. It felt like going back through the whole break up again, only this time I was dumping her. I told her never to call or text me again. I still feel sad because a person that was once important to me is no longer there, but I already feel better and definitely less crazy than I did a week ago.

It was the hardest thing I ever did. The point is, well all have moments of weakness and feelings like we really want to go back. Hopefully, my lesson will be learned by you and everyone else on this board. No matter how much you think going back will fix everything, it will not. Everything will be different! She is not the same person I knew, and I believe that that transcends all situations.

Keep looking forward, because the past is nowhere to be. What you thought was gold, or think will turn back into gold if you go back, isn't.

EC you have been doing really well. We all slip, some worse than others in my case. I think you'll find that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. I did last week. It is always better to make new beginnings than trying to go back to fix an ending.

Thanks JMW. The thing is as the longer this drags on the more I realise that she is definitely not the same person that she was and not the person that I was in love with... you are right, the past is nowhere to be.

I was reading one of the stickies today and I found a few really good posts... one said:


There's a chance that we might never be friends with that person again. So it's tough to accept that part, which is why some of us might fear to go into NC.

I think that has really been holding me back... the fear of losing her as a friend, or that cutting her out of my life completely will kill of any chance we have of becoming friends, or getting together one day in the future. I know you can never force these things, but I hate the idea of ting the door completely, and not leaving it just that little bit ajar.

But then I read another post which really hit home:


And lastly... this may sound horrible but.. you have to remind yourself that HE/SHE is not the person you were in love with anymore as hard as that is to grasp or believe. They have made THEIR decision to not have you in their life, and have moved on. You have to tell yourself "Why in the WORLD would I want to be with someone who does NOT want me or what I have to offer". Who wants to spend their life like that? I don't know about you but I WANT to come home to someone who smiles when they see me, holds me when I go to sleep, and kisses me every morning. I sure as HELL don't EVER want to wonder "Do they really want to be with me? Are they with me because they feel bad? Etc".

I think that is really great advice and holds so true.

Anyway... I've been arranging to have a bbq in my home city before I fly out overseas... I guess I had been tossing up inviting the ex, but today I sorted it all out and left her off the invite list that I sent out. Its something small, but it feels like a step in the right direction. Its really the first time I have stood up and said "no, I don't want to see you".

Those quotes make perfect sense. I failed to truly realize this in the last year and did not completely cut her out. I was that little tiny bit of false hope that kept me thinking "One day she will see. We'll get back together and start our lives over again....together."

LOL! No way. That is a mirage. If you are thinking that way, you are not being true to yourself, or your feelings.

False hope is hard to break. It took me actually seeing my ex hitting on, dancing with, and even kissing another guy before it finally went away for me. That how bad my false hope for the future was...

Hi Empty Cans,
Well what I can say is “moving on” is v hard to do. From my experience, best part of the first year was me just registering we are no longer together, and I went through sheer hell etc… then I had small false hopes, even thou I knew these hopes would never work out... I went through periods of: “I can do this” to “I can't do this anymore” and for many months my heart and mind was in turmoil. The ex did come into my life now and then, lucky none of this was good- even though I knew this= v painful to see this and I knew deep down I will have to draw that line. Eventually I did- one day, I just woke up and said no more and just like that took measures to ensure that. It is funny as I made it sound so simple…. The fact is it was. I guess my heart had enough!

My year= the most hardest year of my life- one point this year around May- I did feel a lot better and I thought right I am back on track etc… and then the anniversary of the break up came and well I fell apart in seconds like a idiot. It was like going back to square -100000. I now have been picking myself up again slowly. In some ways I feel like it is a repeat of last year- except I am picking myself up differently- better and with more strength. What I can say is- it does get better and I think a lot of this has to do with what one really wants in life and then actually getting up and doing just that. This takes a lot of time and space and it requires a lot of mental strength. One thing that has kept me going is future plans- and lol I have many! And of course fabulous friends and family members that have been there to talk and listen to as well.

Another thing I realize is, I eventually got to a point where I was no longer be able to relate to the ex, as my life has changed so much since the breakup- I now feel the ex was in another life time.

I think once you start your travels- your perspective of life will change dramatically and you find that you will start to do things you like without making a huge effort with yourself and just like that your mind will switch off now and then and suddenly one day you will realize things are much better and that your in a much better place in life and with yourself compared to what it was a year ago. With that you will feel more at peace and you will naturally become more you as well.
take care - things will get better- you just have to believe in yourself to make things happen for you
zeeniee

I think that has really been holding me back...the fear of losing her as a friend, or that cutting her out of my life completely will kill of any chance we have of becoming friends, or getting together one day in the future. I know you can never force these things, but I hate the idea of ting the door completely, and not leaving it just that little bit ajar.

This is your biggest problem, and a problem I had for a few months. She had left the door slightly ajar for herself and told me things such as she thought 'we would still be together in the future' 'if it's meant to be it's meant to be' 'the future is uncertain but I can still see you in it.' All of these things kept me in turmoil for at least 3 months following the breakup. I had to make a decision to close the door completely. She will always leave the door ajar because she wants you as a backup plan, to ensure she is making the right decision. You have to close that door. Once you do you will finally fully heal.

It still hurts deep down for me (only 4 months, 1-2 months of closed door) but you need to remove this person completely from your life. You will feel much better. Close the door and move on.

This is actually a story from my end, but it fits nicely in the friendship issue. You see, she's been always a good friend, and I didn't want to miss that, sunk cost theory and all. So I planned to sort of normalize the relations. And since I'll be moving soon to the same city, and I was visiting town for a coffee.

It was a morning, I was hangover and on my way to a conference session, i.e. I was a mess. And in the previous night I was in possibly the best party I've ever been. I won't say I could never see this ex in my life again but I surely am not holding my breath. I was surely not flirting with her and for the first time I was talking about what's been going on relationship-wise in my life and how it sucked that I was having to move to her city again because I'd again be losing everything I had and start from scratch. Unless she thinks it's flirty for me to be talking about hurting some other girl because I couldn't make a decision, and how awful I felt about that, that is.

At some point, because she wasn't saying anything from her end (I thought it was weird, but I guess it's natural to be weird), I asked if she was single or something. And she said she's liking this guy. I was really happy for her. Really. Then I jokingly commented "ah, that's why you've been offline so much!". And she replied "oh no, that was because I blocked you. I didn't want you to give you false hopes or anything. But if you understand that, I can unblock you if you want". At that point I just managed to avoid giving her a lecture on how much of an b**tch she became, but I just left at "do whatever, I don't care, I never thought it would reach this point... I mean, I still like you, but there are like 10 other women on that same list and I handle them fine, and I have been doing great, so that was unwarranted... I'm trying to keep in touch because you know me too well and you are still the best friend I have in this country, didn't want to lose that." I mean, if she blocked me because SHE felt bad or because her boyfriend asked, that's all fine. But because she thinks she's afraid she'll drag me forever? Who does she think she is? I was pissed for a few hours, but then, the irony of that when looked against the background of my life just made it hilarious.

I don't know if things have to be so weird but it became. Honestly, I don't even know if I like her anymore. She's still pretty, that's for sure, but in this year she became this awful, immature, judgmental person. Well, I guess she always was like that and these were things I kept reminding her of, but now that I don't HAVE to put up with that, I don't WANT to put up with that. I don't know if I'll keep in touch with her. There's some crap that I'll have to give back to her when I move up there next year. And there's always the merry x-mas, happy new year, happy birthday calls. But that's about it.

I still have issues because I'm having trouble finding a very good friend in this country outside of the internet. But that's the extent of my problems right now. But she became completely unreliable for that. I guess you might need to get to that point.

Any hope you have for the future will hold you back, because deep down you will resist moving on because of what "might happen" later. Do not cheat yourself like that. Yes, your ex may know you better than anyone right now, but there is always someone else to build that same bond with. You just have to give yourself the chance to find them by removing things from the past that drag you down.

Just a brief update on things...

I have been doing a lot better lately, able to distance myself from thoughts about her and just focus on other things.

As I mentioned, I'm having a going away party in my home city next week and I invited a big group of my friends, the same friends that she still hangs out with a lot. Anyway, I specifically left her off the invite which would have surprised her a bit I think. It think it got the message across pretty clearly that I want to stay out of all this BS and don't want to see her. It has probably pissed her off a bit and needless to say haven't heard from her lately which is a good thing. I know she would be keen to meet up when I am back home but I have no interest in this at all.

I have basically accepted that there is a strong possibility that we may never be friends again.

On another note, I have been having a bit of luck with other girls lately. Even had a girl ask me if I was going to take her number after we had been talking...

Onwards and upwards... its good to know that one day all this sh*t is going to be behind me.

Good to know you re feeling better-yes onwards and upwards-enjoy party and don't worry about the exe's reactions.

Once one door closes, another one opens.

Well the deed is done, I have finally removed her (and her new man) from Facebook and blocked her from my IM. Was just way way too hard seeing photos of those two together and cutesy little comments to each other. Its almost exactly a year since I first removed her, but this time it is for good... at least until I am confident that I am healed and I might even seek a stamp of approval from you guys before she ever gets added again...

Merry Xmas to you all! Here's hoping 2010 is a great one.

Well done!
A Very Merry Christmas to you.
And wishing you a great 2010!

That's the best gift you could have given yourself, totally eliminating pain and sadness for the holidays.

That is the only way to truly get over someone... CUT THEM OFF COMPLETELY!

Thought I would check back in again to say hello...

I have been reading over a couple of the older posts, and found yours ,Zeeniie, from Nov 10 really good.

I think I have had me "enough" moment... one day a couple of weeks ago, I just thought to myself... I am actually really sick of this... really sick of thinking about her and having her bring my mood down.

I mean, I have been sick of it for a long time, but this time I was just like... okay, enough is enough. Time to get on with things.

I still do think about her, and it does still get me down from time to time. But I also catch myself not thinking about her for long periods. Im travelling solo around South America right now, and I suppose the times I think about her are when I am on my own... when I am with other people chatting, partying etc its fine.

So its coming up to a proper two months of NC (i.e. deleted and blocked as Facebook friends). She has contacted me once, a few weeks ago to let me know that an old lecturer of ours passed away and to wish me Happy New Year and happy travelling. I dismissed the "I wonder why she is emailing me?" thoughts very quickly and didn't read anything into it. I just replied in a paragraph or two and pretty much just said thanks for letting me know, happy new year to you too. I don't really count that as any meaningful contact anyway.

I do get times where I just want to email her and say hello, and let her know how its going, and ask how she is... but I manage to keep that from happening. It probably bothers and annoys her, but its not about her anyway.

So I have another 5 or 6 weeks in South AMerica, then its back to NZ for a couple of weeks where I guess it is inevitable I will run into her and her new boyfriend, as after all she has entwined herself into my group of friends now. I do worry a little bit about that happening, but I am sure I will be able to handle it.

Anyway... hope everyone is enjoying their start to 2010 and thanks for your support.

It sounds as if you have moved on-good job!
Enjoy your trip and let us know how it goes.

I am battling with some pretty big urges to send the ex and email saying hello...

Can someone please give me some good reasons this is a really bad idea?

What on earth would be the point of emailing her?

Bad idea,move forward not backwards.

Go and get busy doing something else.

I know... I don't know why but a part of me feels immature at not being able to continue any type of friendship with her... this person who knows me better than anyone else in the world and who I have so many great memories with... I don't know. Probably also has something to do with the fact that I am definitely going to run into her when I get home in a few weeks time... I feel that by making a bit of contact now its going to lessen the blow or something...

When and if you run in to her is the time to think about and handle that.

You're on your travels,aren't you?

Enjoy your adventure,don't sit and think about the ex.

It would be pretty dumb to ruin a good time with something as stupid as saying hello to someone who doesn't give a rats Patoot about you.

When you have those urges, just re-read this post, and smack yourself for thinking it's a good idea to say hello to your ex.

I wouldn't respond to the Email.

She obviously either wants you to move on, or is there to make you feel pain, either which isn't good for you in the long run.

Best wishes.
-Sam

Do not email her! Its been a year! My gosh! Within a year I'd have been moved on sooo much... Its only 5 months for me and I kept no contact since day 1. want to know how I am doing? Feeling wise? Great!! I go days without thinking of her now! I go on dates now and have bettered my life quite a bit in this time. Girlfriend wise? I don't have one yet but I know I am at the point where I am ready to have one. The thing that gets me a bit down to be honest is that I don't have a significant person to go to for things. I know it will happen though. Think positive and positive happens. Believe me, I know! You will be fine soon enough if you Don't EMAIL HER!

Don't ruin the 2 months of progress because of moments of weakness.

That's just stupid.

Those snap decisions will cost you.

You're doing great, keep it up & have fun. #1 priority. Is you.

Thanks guys... I drafted an email and then just saved it as a draft and left it. I just deleted it now. Its not going to achieve anything and is only just a backward step. I know I am going to run into her when I get home but Ill just deal with that when it happens.

Emopunk, we each take our own time to get over someone... you can't say you would be so much better off after a year. We each have our own circumstances. Thanks for your post though anyway.

Thanks again for your help team!

Don't do it. I thought I could be "friends" with my ex after a year apart from her. We even started talking almost everyday again. I decided to go out with her and a friend one night...

BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE TO DATE! Just envision her basically ignoring you and flirting with other guys right in front of you... You still have feelings for her. You still want things to be the way they WERE. The problem is, things are the way they are NOW. She isn't thinking of the past the same way you are.

If you become "friends" you will continue to chase her, while she gets her jollies from somewhere else, and leans on you for emotional support. Don't do that to yourself. Work on who you are and find someone who will appreciate that.

Learn from the past, don't be a fool and repeat it.

Hi empty cans,

I've read your post and experienced your feelings for the past 9 months. I just genuinely feel for you, and I actually particularly searched for you after 3 months of not lurking this site anymore. I think now is the time for you to really just let go man. And I am not talking about your ex, but I'm talking about this site. I feel like you are looking for answers that you won't find on site filled with heartbroken people. You are past that now, you are healed. If you feel like you can't avoid her, then don't. Go and talk to her and see where life runs. I'm serious... by now, you should know that whatever decision you make, you will be okay. Life is okay, and you don't need anyone or any site to hold your hand through it.

Its OK to write. Gets stuff our chests. And yes, don't even think about sending it.

You are doing great.

And don't worry so much about her, or running into her. That just keeps you from really living.

She's no longer a part of you. Just a memory. The past. Not now.

Hi Empty Cans, just caught up with your thread- as I have not been on this site for ages- I think you should just let time do its thing- you will have days where you will not think of the ex- and days were you will- the best thing is to accept that this is a normal event like situation and then maybe things will not feel so deep.

In the mean time- enjoy your hoilday!! I hope you have a fab time- sure enough there will be days where you will think of the ex etc- that is okay as long as you get everything in perspective- see this as your brain cells are re-organising your mind :-)
I found going travelling helps- this year I went to Shanghai ( was freezing! ), then thailand islands and OZ :-) now my mind is well focus and I say sod the ex- er who is the ex?. lol... keep going mate, with kind regards
Zeeniee

Cheers for those last posts guys, hadn't checked here in a little while.

Well, I can now confidently say that I am over it all. Don't know how it happened, but it just did all of a sudden. Somehow that switch of feeling hurt just got turned off. Time finally did its thing. May the no contact continue...

Thanks for everyone's support on here, especially Zeeniee, Tal, JMW and I'm Totally Lost.

I might check in now and again ans post the odd update, but the site has achieved its job for me now! Thanks again, couldn't have done it without you.

EC.