I am a female in my mid twenties and have been dating someone in his mid thirties for sometime now. Our relationship is very wonderful and sex for the most part is enjoyable. My boyfriend is very comfortable giving oral sex and always wants to make sure I am satisfied. This would be great except he's AWFUL at it. He is rough and hard about it, but wonders why I just can't seem to climax with oral and act uncomfortable. He tells me I just need to relax and let him "take care" of me, but I've had good oral before and this is not it. How can I gently let him know that this is not pleasurable to me and steer him in a way that is without hurting his feelings?

You can start by explaining to him how you like it...

Not all guys can read minds and this may be exactly how his last girlfriend liked it. After all not all women respond the same way. And we aren't real good at reading minds. But it is pretty clear he isn't too good at reading you. Or he would have known.

Discontinue the cunnilingus for a while. Find satisfaction(orgasm) in other sexual ways. Don't do anything that you don't enjoy.

Reintroduce oral at a later date when you can give him helpful instructions. :)

Best wishes, :)

I agree with Choux... talk dirty and give him instructions so it doesn't seem like your actually telling him he's not very good at it... but to break the ice talk dirty and do it softly... eventually he will get it.

Id just tell him. Obviously in a nice way.. dunno about the talking dirty if he's used to going rougher then getting him excited will just make him revert to what he knows and what he knows you don't like :) let him get started and gently tell him instructions... if that doesn't work just be rough with him, he'll soon learn!! :D

Discontinue the cunnilingus for a while. Find satisfaction(orgasm) in other sexual ways. Don't do anything that you don't enjoy.

Reintroduce oral at a later date when you can give him helpful instructions. :)

Best wishes, :)



Absolutely agree - don't do anything you don't enjoy because you feel pressured in any way.

I've been fortunate, I guess, in that I've always been able to have open, frank communication with my sexual partner - if I didn't like something or he didn't like something we were able to discuss it. If we didn't have that communication, he wasn't my sexual partner.

As far as the talking dirty part - I don't agree and don't see what that would accomplish.

I think you should tell him. He can't know what you like unless you talk to him about it. In my relationship if one does something the other doesn't like we tell each other so that we can start doing stuff the other likes. I think talking to him will make it a lot better for you.

This isn't in his "defense", but a previous lover absolutely LOVED a hard thrashing... very direct at the clitoris... it was money in the bank to get her to orgasm. The next lover would smack me upside the head if I did that to her. All it takes is one very different lover, some bad advice, or one bad porn flick to point a guy in the wrong direction.

I have great success with oral on my partner... id say 8-9 times out of 10 I can get her there, and that 10th time... she's too mentally distant, distracted, or tired.

So... what are the things to prepare my lover? First, oral is NOT foreplay! Jumping right into oral, especially direct stimulation at the clitoris, is like running a race without putting on clothes, shoes, warming up, and stretching.

So... many say "more foreplay"... and that's fine. But what defines foreplay?? That's an important question that's often overlooked or ignored.

I am very responsive to several stimulations. Love kissing. Love necking. Love breast play. Love ear stim. Mkay... so why "waste" this during foreplay? Save those cards until later. Foreplay, to me, should be about skin on skin contact, slow and deliberate, building up sexual tension. Save those other stims until later, to get over a plateau.

While I commonly say men resort too quickly to things like breast play, women can also jump the gun. Yes... if I'm hard and pressed against my lover its nice to have attention, but even better to hold back and let tension build.

So... a hot shower, a clean, warm room, and 10-20 minutes of skin to skin contact are just a few things that can get my lover mentally primed, relaxed, and in the moment. Don't assume wanting an orgasm and needing that release means you are ready.

Then, after a very different "foreplay" than some do, oral is also different. The clitoris is the last place to go. By the time I'm there she should be pulling me to her.

And, as a guy, its just hard to be patient and with soft touch. If the woman isn't arching her back and seeming to enjoy it, it seems like its not working... when it might be just a slower process.

So... how to approach him about this?

Buy ian kerner's books... She Comes First, and He Comes Next.

The great thing about a decent sex book is you can share it, mark it, talk about it... without it being "THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WRONG"...

Before I read kerner's book I had decent success with oral on my partner.. but I neglected to realize how much time she needed at the sides, at her labia... well, after looking at his book, and more importantly, talking to her about it and using it to find out what was working and what wasn't, it went from success much of the time to nearly all of the time.

So...

Getting a man to orgasm is usually some version of "push, pull, repeat"... a woman can be more "complicated", but that doesn't mean you cannot find a better place.

You've said yourself you've had better. That's not bad news. It means you can be responsive to oral. Now its up to both of you to find what works and what doesn't, and that's not necessarily easy. There have been times, after my lover had what seemed to be a much greater climax, when I've asked "what felt different"... and she couldn't answer.

So... maybe get the books I mentioned. The first one deals largely with oral on a woman, but is not exclusive to oral, and might allow you to lead him or explore without it being your telling him what's "wrong"... and the follow-up, about getting a man to orgasm, lets him open up without it being too odd of a discussion.

Don't know. Some might not like the idea of reading about sex, but I think anytime a lover says "this sounds yummy"... I'm going to leave my hangups at the door. And probably my pants too.

this isnt in his "defense", but a previous lover absolutely LOVED a hard thrashing... very direct at the clitoris... it was money in the bank to get her to orgasm. the next lover would smack me upside the head if i did that to her. all it takes is one very different lover, some bad advice, or one bad porn flick to point a guy in the wrong direction.

i have great success with oral on my partner... id say 8-9 times out of 10 i can get her there, and that 10th time... shes too mentally distant, distracted, or tired.

so... what are the things to prepare my lover? first, oral is NOT foreplay! jumping right into oral, especially direct stimulation at the clitoris, is like running a race without putting on clothes, shoes, warming up, and stretching.

so... many say "more foreplay"... and thats fine. but what defines foreplay??? thats an important question thats often overlooked or ignored.

i am very responsive to several stimulations. love kissing. love necking. love breast play. love ear stim. mkay... so why "waste" this during foreplay? save those cards until later. foreplay, to me, should be about skin on skin contact, slow and deliberate, building up sexual tension. save those other stims until later, to get over a plateau.

while i commonly say men resort too quickly to things like breast play, women can also jump the gun. yes... if im hard and pressed against my lover its nice to have attention, but even better to hold back and let tension build.

so... a hot shower, a clean, warm room, and 10-20 minutes of skin to skin contact are just a few things that can get my lover mentally primed, relaxed, and in the moment. dont assume wanting an orgasm and needing that release means you are ready.

then, after a very different "foreplay" than some do, oral is also different. the clitoris is the last place to go. by the time im there she should be pulling me to her.

and, as a guy, its just hard to be patient and with soft touch. if the woman isnt arching her back and seeming to enjoy it, it seems like its not working... when it might be just a slower process.

so... how to approach him about this?

buy ian kerner's books... She Comes First, and He Comes Next.

the great thing about a decent sex book is you can share it, mark it, talk about it... without it being "THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WRONG"...

before i read kerner's book i had decent success with oral on my partner.. but i neglected to realize how much time she needed at the sides, at her labia... well, after looking at his book, and more importantly, talking to her about it and using it to find out what was working and what wasnt, it went from success much of the time to nearly all of the time.

so...

getting a man to orgasm is usually some version of "push, pull, repeat"... a woman can be more "complicated", but that doesnt mean you cannot find a better place.

youve said yourself youve had better. thats not bad news. it means you can be responsive to oral. now its up to both of you to find what works and what doesnt, and thats not necessarily easy. there have been times, after my lover had what seemed to be a much greater climax, when ive asked "what felt different"... and she couldnt answer.

so... maybe get the books i mentioned. the first one deals largely with oral on a woman, but is not exclusive to oral, and might allow you to lead him or explore without it being your telling him whats "wrong"... and the followup, about getting a man to orgasm, lets him open up without it being too odd of a discussion.

dunno. some might not like the idea of reading about sex, but i think anytime a lover says "this sounds yummy"... im going to leave my hangups at the door. and probably my pants too.

Love, love, love this reply. You mentioned "maybe get the BOOKS" as in you mentioned more than one? WHere is the second one. I am going to look for the one I bolded in your message. ;)

Oops. Meant She Comes First (which is the first book), and then He Comes Next (the followup)...

EDITED AGAIN... seems he's only packaging He Comes Next in CD now and replaced it with Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man... same idea tho'... get a book for her and one for him and explore them both.

Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: Ian Kerner: Books (http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538252/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231357220&sr=8-11)

And then for the second book...

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=9780060798154&ourl=He%2DComes%2DNext%2FIan%2DKerner
Or
http://www.amazon.com/Passionista-Empowered-Womans-Guide-Pleasuring/dp/0060834390/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231359183&sr=1-2
Or
http://www.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=1113004255&searchurl=an%3DIan%2BKerner%26ph%3D2%26sortby%3D2% 26tn%3DHe%2BComes%2BNext%2BPleasuring%2BMan

Don't know what's going on with the second book... looks like it was repackaged and renamed for softcover... anywho...

But, again, all the "right moves" won't mean a thing if you aren't mentally in the moment... his technique might not be great, but you also need to believe he can get you there.

But the books are an easy, not "icky", read that I've suggested enough times I should be getting royalties

Next time he makes his moves just be very verbal. When it doesn't feel good start complaing... "Ouch, no, stop, not like that, no... this way... etc etc etc" and when if feels how you like it express pleasure.