I only have one daughter, 36 years old, and she treats me as if she depises me. She knows I don't approve of her life style of internet boyfriends and drinking, but I try to avoid speaking of it. I live a Christian life, raised her in church, and though I never ask her about her personal life, she seems to take great pleasure in giving me all the details anyway. It breaks my heart to have to listen, so I've asked her not to tell me anymore.

She reprimands me often, and I'm intimidated by her. I go home and cry to my husband, but I can't speak up to her. She put a damper on the past year's holidays by being so rude and aggressive with me at our get-togethers that I dread this year's holidays.
If it weren't for my two grandchildren, I think I could learn to live my life without her. But I love those kids so much it hurts to think of not being a part of their lives.

Because my husband provided well for us, I was able to stay home while my daughter was growing up. I was my daughter's room mother, Girl Scout leader, and her best friend. I was always there for her, and the only accusation she can come up with about her raising was that I was too strict in not letting her have more freedom. She may be right, but I did what I felt was best for her. She left our home with a good reputation, so I felt I did my job.

No one in my life has treated me as cruelly as my own daughter, so I've totally taken her out of my will and given her share to my grandchildren. I'm sure my life has been shortened by the stress she continually keeps me under, so I don't want her to profit from my death.

Am I the only mother who has been rejected by her daughter?

I always say that what's said can never be retracted. It is just too bad that we can't think before we speak in anger or jealousy. It can't be taken back.

There will be a time ozarksmom when she will regret every nasty mean word she ever said to you.

I always say that whats said can never be retracted. It is just too bad that we can't think before we speak in anger or jealousy. It can't be taken back.

There will be a time ozarksmom when she will regret every nasty mean word she ever said to you.

It would be wonderful if it happens before my will is read. Thank you for your comments, Tickle.

I don't think that taking her out of your will is helping her or making a point. Im sure you still love your daughter right? Im sorry that your relationship is not good right now. But you should not give up on it. Maybe the two of you can meet talk about all the issues openly and if needed in front of a counselor to act as a mediator.
I think that you maybe need to let her be an adult. She has the right to see whomever she would like regardless of where/how she met them and also is of legal age to drink. Asking her not to talk to you about these things pushed her away... and hard. A daughter needs her mother no matter how old she gets. But she doesn't need for you to tell her right from wrong anymore. You did your part and raised her well. She is making mistakes maybe now but she needs you to listen. And if and when she does talk to you about these things don't judge. Instead just remind her to be safe when meeting these guys out in the world... and to call if she needs a ride because she has been drinking. That way you are making yourself heard but not being condescending.
Im not saying it is your fault... she is just as much to blame. However you can only do something on your part. I too hope that things get fixed before it is too late. Ask to meet with her one on one... no kids... and talk openly. Talk about what you like and don't like but most importantly listen. And be prepared to let go of the hurt from the past and start new... living for the future. I hope things get worked out between you guys... Becaues not only does a daughter need her mother but a mother needs her daughter!
Good luck! And I hope you find reconcilliation. Don't know if I spelled that right.

I don't think that taking her out of your will is helping her or making a point. Im sure you still love your daughter right? Im sorry that your relationship is not good right now. But you should not give up on it. Maybe the two of you can meet talk about all the issues openly and if needed in front of a counselor to act as a mediator.
I think that you maybe need to let her be an adult. She has the right to see whomever she would like regardless of where/how she met them and also is of legal age to drink. Asking her not to talk to you about these things pushed her away...and hard. A daughter needs her mother no matter how old she gets. But she doesn't need for you to tell her right from wrong anymore. You did your part and raised her well. She is making mistakes maybe now but she needs you to listen. And if and when she does talk to you about these things don't judge. Instead just remind her to be safe when meeting these guys out in the world...and to call if she needs a ride because she has been drinking. that way you are making yourself heard but not being condescending.
Im not saying it is your fault...she is just as much to blame. However you can only do something on your part. I too hope that things get fixed before it is too late. Ask to meet with her one on one...no kids...and talk openly. Talk about what you like and don't like but most importantly listen. And be prepared to let go of the hurt from the past and start new...living for the future. I hope things get worked out between you guys...Becaues not only does a daughter need her mother but a mother needs her daughter!
Good luck!! and I hope you find reconcilliation. don't know if i spelled that right.

I believe this was written by my daughter, so I just want to tell her that I'm absolutely not giving up on our relationship.
I think her personal life and our mother/daughter relationship are separate situations, and one has nothing to do with the other. Whether I approve of her lifestyle choices should have no bearing on her being respectful to me, for I've always been a good mother to her. I feel it's up to me whether I want to listen to the details of a lifestyle that breaks my heart, and she should respect my convictions. I have never openly judged her choices, but I can't turn it off inside.
She was taken out of my will when she stopped coming to our home, yet spoke of her plans for our house after our deaths.
Thank you for your response.

[QUOTE=ozarksmom;1370742]I believe this was written by my daughter, so I just want to tell her that I'm absolutely not giving up on our relationship.



Well just to let you know that I am not your daughter... Im way to young. But I am somebodys daughter so I can give you a daughters perspective on this.

Obviously we don't know the whole story... and I can tell your daughter hurt you very much.

You do have the right to not listen to her stories if they are that upsetting to you. Im just wondering what makes them so upsetting? Like I understand if she is drinking or drunk 98% of the time how that is upsetting but how is having a boyfriend that she met online so heartbreaking? Im not trying to challenge you or anything... I honestly want to know... or at least have you think about it. Is it the way she goes out and meets up with these guys (like in an unsafe way) or the things she is doing ( like just meeting up for sex, etc).
I guess I am just saying that if she is being safe and truly looking for relationships what is so wrong with that? Does she have a steady boyfriend that she met online? I don't think it should matter where she met him as long as he treats her right and is a good man. Obviously my opinion would be different if she was 16 and doing this... but she is an adult. If she had met the same man at a coffee shop would you feel differently about him?

Just some food for thought... and like I said... I don't know the whole story and therefore my opinions on the situation really don't mean anything but I hope that I can maybe help you think through some things and avoid losing her forever or at least help with the deal with the pain.


I will tell you a short story to let you know where my mentality comes from. My husband's mother is an absolute nightmare to deal with. Not only does she push her children and I away but the three of us ( my husband, his sister who is 28, and I) can barely stand to be around her. The whole story would take way too long to explain... but the reason in short is that she is constantly trying to tell all of us adults how to live our lives and she does crazy things to get attention on herself all the time. For example she came to visit us... we live about 1300 miles away from home due to the military... and the whole time she was here she was complaining that we didn't love her, she commented on how there were no photos of her around our house when there aren't pics of my family either ( the only pics we have are of my husband and I and my nephew) and other crazy things like that. She even went so far as to complain that she can't compete with me for my husband's love... that he would always love me more then her! Here is the thing... he loves me as his wife and her as his mother. You can't compare apples and ornges. She then went on to leave my husband a note sayign we could just leave her out on our deck with some food and water for the next five days before we brought her back to the airport. We did nothing to warrant this kind of behavior from her. There is so much more but it would take way too long. But the basis of the story is that she is not ready to let go of her son (or her daughter whom she treats the same way) and therefore she is pushing him further away. We feel bad about this because we love her and know that she has tons to offer as far as parental love and experience but she isn't letting her kids live their lives.
Im in no way comparing you to her... she is a physco... but I just want you to know that sometimes thinking you are being rejected causes people to act in ways that make them be "rejected." His mom is so worried that she is losing her kids that she does crazy things which make us step further back.
On the other hand... I have a great relationship with my mother... she listens to everything that I have to say... even when she doesn't agree with what I am telling her. And in return I listen to her when she needs someone to vent to. We talk every single day. I know that sometimes the things I tell her about hurt her but pain and worry are part of life. And if I am willing to talk to her and tell her about my life so she can stay involved she knows she has to take the good with the bad.
I would maybe suggest that you talk to a counselor yourself or maybe someone from your church. They can help you talk through all of your feelings and help you come up with new ways to talk to your daughter that might get her to listen and help you guys work it out... good luck...

Ozarksmom, no matter what your daughter should never be disrespectful to you. There are times that me and mom have disagreements and I does things that she don't approve of but I would never be rude to her because after all she's my mother.

I look at my mom as my best friend and therefore I share everything with her. When I do this she gives me her input on the situation whether I want to hear it or not. I can understand your worries for your daughter and some of the things she is doing you might not agree with but at the end of the day it's her life and she has to live and learn by her mistakes.

You can only hope and wish she makes a wise choice in these decisions but otherwise there is nothing you can do. I don't see nothing wrong in expressing your concerns about her decisions because in the end your only looking out for her best interests. But I think you should never allow your daughter to intimdated you and if anything you should stand up for yourself because after all you're the mother.

In the end your daughter will get back everything she dished out of you because she have kids. I don't think she would like it if her kids treated her the way she treats you. Hopefully one day she would come around and I hope it is sooner than later.

Obviously we don't know the whole story... and I can tell your daughter hurt you very much.

If you went to your mother's church on Mothers' Day, and her pastor asked everyone who had mothers there to realize how blessed they were to still have a mother and to honor them by giving them a hug, would you? My daughter stood there like a statue while I fought back tears. She's not timid, and she grew up in this church under this pastor, so there was no reason for her to behave in this manner.
That was only one little situation where my daughter humiliated me. It would take way too much space on here to describe the other deliberate hateful things she's done to me, or I guess that I've allowed her to do to me.
Actually, after reading what all has been written, I don't think there is an answer to my problem. My daughter acts as if she despises, resents, and totally dislikes me. I don't know that there is anything anyone can do.
My first daughter died at full-term birth of umbilical strangulation, so when my 2nd one came along I probably did spoil her. But she's an adult now with teen-agers, so she should have outgrown her childishness. She hasn't.
Since I first asked for help, she has taken a job farther away from home, so I worry that she's cutting ties with me. If it were just her, I think I could adjust, but to think of not seeing my grandchildren very often just breaks my heart.
I'm so happy that you and your mother have a good relationship. You'll have few regrets when she's gone.
Thanks for your input. It's caused me to do a lot of thinking.

Im sorry to hear that your daughter acts like that. You don't deserve it... regardless of anything else you gave birth to her, raised and provided for her with tons of love. That commands a certain level of respect that it sounds like she doesn't have. Even if I were with my mother in law who I very much dislike... I would still hug her in that situation even if it was only because the pastor told me to. That is just being respectful and not intentionally trying to hurt someone.
I hope things get better...
And try not to blame yourself... I think you are right when you say that it is all her and that she intentionally hurts you. Whatever her reasons are it still doesn't make it right.
One last blurb to try to inspire you and give you hope... my mom and I weren't close until I moved across the country. We never had a super good relationship really. But when I got married and moved 1600 miles away things changed. She gave up some of the control she still tried to hold over me and I found I needed my mom more then I ever knew. I have only seen my mom 2 times in the last year as I live so far away but we are still really close.I never would have thought that we would have this relationship and I don't think she did either. So things can change... don't give up hope. If she moves further away it is not necessarily to get away from you and it could actually help your relationship.
Good luck to you and I will be thinking good thoughts for you!

I made a post similar to this about my severed relationship with my soon to be 36 year old daughter back in Feb. of this year. Every mother's relationship with her grown daughter is unique, but we feel the same pain, even though circumstances are different. It took me nearly a year to stop crying at night when it was quiet and my mind would mull over and over her verbally attacking me the way she did. She caught me so off guard, I was absolutely devastated. Thanksgiving has now passed and was the first one not spent with my daughter and my 3 granddaughters. It's now nearly Christmas again, which is the anniversary of my daughter's horrible treatment. So, here I am again, wiping the tears away, sitting up late, reading about other mothers' pain due to issues with their children. I haven't seen my granddaughters in several months now, and yes, I have asked, by text message, as my daughter won't answer my phone calls. She responded by saying we need to talk, but she never contacted me again. The saddest part of this is that I've never been told what I did to anger her this way. I know that no one is the perfect parent and neither is she. I, like a lot of rejected mothers, didn't use drugs or alcohol when she was growing up. I was a single parent for several years with all the responsibilities of 2 parents. I worked full time and set good examples of honesty and work ethics, etc. I feel I made some contribution to the fact that my daughter has completed her RN, has a good income and the same principles that I always have. My 2 sons do not have the issues that my daughter does, so our relationships are good. I love my daughter, but the pain is so incredible that I know we won't be able to mend this unless we have divine intervention. I miss my granddaughters more than they could imagine, so I hope that some day she can explain and be truthful about why they were denied their maternal grandmother after 12 years of being a part of the oldest one's life. I pray for you, myself, every rejected mother out there, and the children who reject them. You are not alone. I do appreciate your post, because every time I read about someone else's similar pain, it helps me realize I'm not really as alone as I feel. Please hang in there and try to be strong. I believe that what goes around, comes around. I wish no harm to my daughter, but want her to realize before it's too late that I have always had the same love for her that she has for her own children. I hope your daughter does the same.

I think you have stated your position very well here and I suggest you do the same with your daughter.Perhaps in a note that she can read when you are not with her so as to avoid what seems to be your *locking horns* kind of relationship.
As a parent herself she should understand that your strictness came from a place of love.You have clearly done your best and rest easy in the hope that one day she will see the bigger picture. In the note tell her what you would like from your relationship and be specific so as to avoid any misunderstanding.Try not to preach, just tell her how you feel without degrading her in any way.
Best of luck...

I pray for you, myself, every rejected mother out there, and the children who reject them. You are not alone. I do appreciate your post, because every time I read about someone else's similar pain, it helps me realize I'm not really as alone as I feel. Please hang in there and try to be strong. I believe that what goes around, comes around. I wish no harm to my daughter, but want her to realize before it's too late that I have always had the same love for her that she has for her own children. I hope your daughter does the same.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for these words and your prayers. Until I found this site, I really thought I was going down a path that no other mother had ever walked. I honestly have never seen an adult daughter not show respect to her mother. It actually causes me to cry, as I'm sure it does you, to watch a daughter show genuine affection to her mother. My heart aches to have that kind of relationship with my daughter.
We do have so much in common, for my daughter is also a R.N. I so appreciate your response and will begin to include all mothers in my prayers. We need it. God bless.

Hi ozarksmom

Until I found this site, I thought I was the only mother who has been rejected by her daughter.

I really feel for you. I haven't seen my 26 yr old daughter for around 51/2 yrs now. She became very difficult when I met someone new after having been widowed. We had some horrendous problems and she turned from a sweet child who I enjoyed a close relationship with into this person who openly despised me.

When she eventually moved out I thought things were beginning to pick up again. Then she met her partner and everything got much worse. I thought she would settle down but she would avoid me as much as possible. I tried to talk to her and she just didn't want to know.

Eventually things came to a head, just after her 21st birthday, and she emailed me to say she was cutting me out of her life and wanted nothing more to do with me. No amount of trying to reason with her was going to work and she moved; changed her phone and email - literally disappearing. She never appeared to care that I was worried about her (she was just 21 then). This caused no end of hurt and anguish - not just for me but for our new family who really cared about her. When I did find her, she told me to stop harassing her and her partner.

Around 3 years later, she finally contacted me. She was okay but having problems with her work and relationship. I told her how happy I was that she'd called and for 3 months I really felt we were making progress. Then she disappeared again, without warning or explanation.

Another 2 1/2 years on and I managed to track her down by searching online. I wondered what had gone wrong. Her response has been hurtful and bewildering. She has accused me of stalking her and has threatened legal action if I don't stay out of her life.

Now I read online of various accusations she has made against me and how I was a bullying mother who made her life hell. She remembers nothing at all of her childhood except to say that her late father was the only one who made her happy. I learn that she suffers some form of mental illness and contemplates suicide and that this is my fault. I also learn she has lots of tattoos all over her body and is into practicing witchcraft. She even states that because of me she won't have children in case she's as bad a mother as I am.

I am stunned and deeply hurt by all of this (and this is just a synopsis). I try to tell her she will always be my daughter and that I love her very much, but she simply isn't interested. I join a forum I know she uses (probably a wrong and desperate thing to do), she lets it be known that she has warned everyone there about me. She also states she has reported me to the police, along with my husband (poor man hasn't done anything). I live in fear now that I will end up with a restraining order being delivered by the police.

What do I do now?

Hi ozarksmom

Until I found this site, I thought I was the only mother who has been rejected by her daughter.

I really feel for you. I haven't seen my 26 yr old daughter for around 51/2 yrs now. She became very difficult when I met someone new after having been widowed. We had some horrendous problems and she turned from a sweet child who I enjoyed a close relationship with into this person who openly despised me.

What do I do now?

This may not mean much to you now, Feline 50, but be thankful she hasn't given you grandchildren to withhold from you. If it weren't for my grandkids, I think I could learn to just live without the love of my daughter. My grandson and granddaughter have been such a big part of my life since the day they were born that I've taken a lot of emotional abuse from their mother just to be able to be with them.

As far as your daughter goes, if I were in your situation, I would back off and let her make the next move toward having a relationship with you. My first husband ran around on me, and I tried to hold onto him by following him from bar to bar. It only caused him to lose respect for me and me to lose respect for myself.
You can't force your daughter to act like a daughter or love you like you do her. I've learned that the hard way. I've began finding worthwhile ways to spend the time I would like to be spending with my daughter if she would let me. The following statement has helped me so much:
Life is too short to spend it with the wrong people. Love the ones who are good to you and forget about the ones who aren't.

If you don't have a husband to focus your love on, focus it on your friends and others who deserve it. I've even thought of "adopting" a young woman who needs the love and help of a mother.

Know you have someone who cares about you and shares your heartache. Hang in there.

Although I haven't read every post on this thread,I do have something to input.I have been adding this site for the people who need to set personal boundries.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

I believe this to be the case here too.

Please read it and decide for yourselves if it would assist you in this problem.(I know it greatly helped me in dealing with my disrespectful daughter(22) )

KBC

Thanks for the replies Ozarksmom and KBC - it's not a nice situation to be in but good to know we're not alone.

I've also got a copy of the link, KBC and will read it in depth later.

Bless you both. :)

My daughter and I were very close, or at least I thought so for many years. She is now in her 30's, and treats me as though she hates me. I was devistated, and went for therapy. I learned that I cannot control her actions, but I do not have to play the victim role either.

Now when she starts her temper tantrums, or begins criticising me, I say; "This conversation has become uncomphortable for me, and it stops now. Or I say: My house, my rules, there is the door until you can speak to me respectfully. I love her dearly, but if one lets another behave like a bully the bully feels guilty, and begins to vilinize you just to justify their own shameful actions.

I will listen to her feelings as long as we discuss one complaint at a time, and communicate in a respectful manner. I hope this helps you. It has me.

Thanks, Cox. :)

Coming on here has shown me that I'm not alone with this problem.
I absolutely agree with you that we cannot let our children turn us into victim or continue to make us feel guilty. It is difficult, though, to comprehend how they can change from the sweet little children we once knew into such venomous beings as they now are.

Unfortunately, I am unable to contact my daughter directly and am unwilling to face the strong arm of the law she threatens me with, if I continue to try. I have to accept that she knows I love her and am here should she wish to talk. Other than that she can carry on wallowing in self-pity.

Hoping you all have a nice a Christmas as possible and blessings to you for the new year.

My daughter and I were very close, or at least I thought so for many years. She is now in her 30's, and treats me as though she hates me. I was devistated, and went for therapy. I learned that I cannot controll her actions, but I do not have to play the victim role either.

Now when she starts her temper tantrums, or begins criticising me, I say; "This conversation has become uncomphortable for me, and it stops now. Or I say: My house, my rules, there is the door until you can speak to me respectfully. I love her dearly, but if one lets another behave like a bully the bully feels guilty, and begins to vilinize you just to justify their own shameful actions.

I will listen to her feelings as long as we discuss one complaint at a time, and communicate in a respectful manner. I hope this helps you. It has me.


Exactly - and you can't control any else's actions, only your own. And sometimes it's not your actions you control but your reactions.

I find the problem to be in this one sentence: "She knows I don't approve of her life style of internet boyfriends and drinking, but I try to avoid speaking of it." Disapproval shows whether it's expressed in words or not. Maybe that's the problem.

On a somewhat other subject - this isn't always the fault of the daughter. I have a very dear friend whose father can't figure out why they're estranged. I'm not saying or implying that this is anyone else's situation but her father was addicted, spent most holidays stoned, said he would show up and didn't, she couldn't have friends over because she never knew what he would do - and Mom did nothing to protect her.

Now Dad is straight - or so he says - but my friend just doesn't want to hear their re-written version of her childhood. Sure, people change. Sure, he's trying. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Her father was terribly disrespectful to her and, because she was a child, she's supposed to forget it?

Is she disrespectful to her parents, particularly her father? Hopefully not. Would he deserve it? Yes. He is reaping what he sowed.

When OP's daughter criticizes or lists "offenses," what does she say? What are her reasons for the estrangement?

I'm so glad to have found women who share my pain because I've been suffering with this problem for years. For over a decade my 36-year-old daughter has been gradually pushing me out of her life. We had enjoyed a very close relationship when she was younger, and we appeared to have no problems in our relationship. The only thing I can attribute the problem to is the fact that she doesn't like my second husband. He's never done or said anything objectionable to her, but she found out about an infildelity on his part and has been cold to him ever since. Her father and I separated when she was in high school, and I didn't remarry until she was in college and living away.
When she was about 22, her visits started becoming infrequent. She has ignored her father until he has stopped trying to contact her. My former husband is very emotional and easily hurt, and at first I chalked up his actions to this. But I have come to understand his reactions because I'm now at that point.
I have never expressed disapproval of anything my daughter does. She's very successful and, a year ago, married a successful man. She attempted to subtlely convince me not to attend her wedding, but I did anyway. I've just kept swallowing the hurt and putting on a brave face. She calls maybe twice a year and emails me occasionally. She informs me of important events like the wedding and the fact that she became pregnant. However, when she delivered, her husband called my home while she knew full well I was at work. I tracked down the hospital she was in and called her room. As always, she sounded friendly and glad to hear from me. A few days later, she even called for advice about the baby. I told her when I would come for a visit because I would be near the town she lives in that day. When I came to her home, no one came to the door. The vehicles of both her and her husband were in the driveway. I could only conclude that she had decided to give me the brush-off in a way in which she could avoid facing me and had convinced her husband to go along with it. I personally can only conclude that she doesn't want me around her baby, and I don't know why. I'm a responsible working woman who doesn't drink, smoke, take drugs, or break the law. If I felt over all these years that there was something I could do, I would have done it. (I don't think at this point divorcing my husband would help, but that's too extreme anyway).
My daughter is my only child, and now I'll be denied interaction with a grandchild. And the prospect of confronting her over this and having her actually tell me she doesn't want to see me is so hurtful that I can't bring myself to do it. I had almost come to the point where I could live with her rejection, but now I have to somehow come to terms with living without my only grandchild. To me, this hurt is worse than grief over losing a child to death because there will never be any closure.

"To me, this hurt is worse than grief over losing a child to death because there will never be any closure."

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, jumashuman.

I know someone who has toyed with the idea of saying they have no children, rather than have to keep explaining. I've even considered it myself (I know, I know, that's shameful). However, I love my daughter and would love a reconciliation, so I keep hoping and trying and I just know that I couldn't ever deny her existence - even if she does send the police to my door, accusing me of stalking her (which I'm not doing).

I'm glad I found this site and really appreciate all the viewpoints. It's good to know we're not alone with this.

Feline50, thanks so much for responding.
I've also thought about telling new acquaintances that I have no children. I lie constantly to friends and relatives, and even my husband doesn't know the full extent of my daughter's attitude and actions. Once I tearfully told him that she despises me, and he scoffed. My work often takes me close to my daughter's hours'-away residence, so I tell people I visit then and that she's too busy to get home much. I'm afraid to admit the truth. Part of it is pride, and part is fear of reopening a terrible wound. Almost every encounter I have with her, whether by email, phone, or in person brings some new hurt. Often, she appears to be trying to salve her conscience by giving excuses for her (unadmitted) negligence. For instance, she'll email saying she's been meaning to tell me that she planned a visit in the coming days but is now unable to do so--for various reasons. It's obvious that she dreads being around me, even for an hour or two. And I know she's not ashamed of me. Please bear with me being immodest here: I'm well bred, intelligent, and educated. I never act inappropriately. I am fat, but so are some of her friends. All of them, as well as her husband and her in-laws are common people who appear to like me--and who are totally unaware of her clandestine treatment of me. A co-worker at her wedding told me she was so thrilled to meet me because she's heard so much about me. (This woman approached me to say this. It wasn't like she was introduced by someone else and just felt obligated to blurt out something nice).
Sometimes I wonder if my daughter loathes me because she sees me as weak. I didn't leave my husband over an early infidelity, and I continue to put up with her bad treatment. Maybe things would improve if I would refuse to answer her calls and emails (as infrequent as they are). Maybe it would jolt her. But things are now complicated by the birth of my grandchild. Of course, she may never contact me again. I have decided that I will not contact her first, no matter what happens--even if I have a heart attack. As I mentioned before, she has a habit of letting her conscience get the best of her, and then she gets in touch. She must know I see through it all, and I guess I look like a sap for putting up with it. I've promised myself that I will not answer any contact she may attempt. It will probably be months before she even does. I had hope that her conscience would force her to allow me contact with the new grandchild, but obviously it has only been the opposite. And I certainly don't want to allow myself to establish even the slightest relationship with the baby and then be cut off from that.
This is the first time that I've put all this into words, and it does help. Thanks for listening. I welcome any and all advice or comments.

My daughter's rejection is even harder since she calls constantly when she needs help, a babysitter, or money.

One time when she asked for money I said no and didn't see or hear from my grandchildren (ages 6 and 10) for almost a year.

When we are in a room together she rolls here eyes when I talk and shows total disgust for me.

I've been there whenever she needs me and drop everything when she calls so I can see my grandchildren even though it's selfish on her part because she's the one that needs a chauffer or sitter. At least I get to see them.

I did everything for her when she was little. I gave up everything I wanted to help her through college. She to is an RN and very book smart.

I have done tons of research on personalities and have come to the conclusion that my daughter and maybe some of these others are sociopaths. Not in the sense as serial killers but in their inability to love us.

Everyone in my duaghter's life has to serva a purpose for her. If there isn't a purpose for her, i.e. money, sitter, etc. she has no need for me in her life and any attempt for me to try is met with contempt.

After hurting for years over this I have to resolve myself that at her age (32) she probably won't change and I will never have the relationship with her that I had with my deceased mother.

As an only child with an only child that has no live for me the world seems like a pretty empty place. I have given until it hurts so often that I realized I was making myself sick about this while she skipped through life unaffected.

I would wonder what will happen when I die and she realizes that the one person that loved her more than anyone ever will is gone. I then realized that I was even worrying about her being miserable after I was gone and wanted to do something so she wouldn't have to feel this way.

I have given this pain up to God. I believe my grandchildren will grow up and life will go on. I have had to accept this situation as it is. But I don't have to keep hopping when she calls to make her life easier any more. Is that tough live? I call it more survival for me.

Would we let anyone else in our lives to hurt us so much? We have to look after and take care of ourselves. I have never asked my daughter for help since she left me in the hospital after sinus surgery with no way to get home (I live in the country). But, I did find a way home and when the time comes that I can't take care of myself anymore there are places I can go so that someone else can be paid to take care of me.

Not what I thought having family was all about but we can never script life the way we think it should be.

The holidays are a rough time. I pray that all of us made it through and we will find some meaning to this live since the one thing that we put so much importance into has not fulfilled us.

I wonder if many women suffer from this who have more than one child. It seems that the entries on this site have been from women with one, a daughter. I too did everything for my daughter and sacrificed a lot for her benefit. I do not believe she's sociopathic though. She treats most people she knows with affection and respect. She's obviously self-centered, and I know she has a conscience because it's the only thing that drives her to call or email me, as infrequently as she does. It's so evident that her behavior is obligatory that it's hurtful to experience. I had pretty much given up on our relationship and decided that I could endure the usual couple of hours visiting her at Christmas, which is what our visits had dwindled down to. But now that she has a baby, the situation is complicated. Apparently, she fears that I will see the birth as an opening and is determined to keep me away. Or she has such contempt for me that she doesn't want me near the child.
Nothing I've done for over a decade has helped. Things have just gotten worse. So I feel that I must either let the rift exist or continue to put myself in positions where she will hurt me again. I tell myself that anyone with self-respect would never answer any attempt she might make to contact me ever again. I'm considering changing my email address and phone number. I just remortgaged my home, and I live in an area where real estate is not moving. So I can't move away. She lives hours from me, so that's not really a problem.
I suppose it's significant that she has cut off her father in the same way. And she's also coldy cut off 3 boyfriends when she found someone she wanted more. She's obviously very selfish, but I never thought the matter would come to this. I just wish I didn't have a grandchild in the middle of it all.

My first post was in early '08 after searching for others who may have gone through something similar as I had with my daughter. I have two sons and one daughter. My sons have not turned their backs on me, and we have a good relationship. My daughter has the issues. There are so many of us out there, and the holidays are extremely hard now. I made it through Christmas and yesterday, 1/3, which was my daughter's 36th birthday. It's the second birthday of hers in which I haven't seen or spoken to her by her choice. Although, I think I was a pretty active member 36 years ago, unfortunately, she has no memory of it. I had sent my 3 granddaughters cards with money for Christmas. I didn't receive a phone call from the girls, probably because their mother wouldn't let them; however, I did receive e-mails from them. That was the best Christmas present I could have ever received, as I haven't been able to see or talk to them in many months. I'm pretty sure that when my daughter finds out, they won't be allowed to e-mail me again. My daughter has not spoken to me in over a year now, and it seems as time goes on, she grows further and further away from me. I've asked repeatedly by e-mail and text (she won't answer my calls) what happened to make her so angry and treat me so badly, but get no response. She won't even let the girls call me. I've been a part of the girls' lives since the day each of them was born; however, I can look back now and recognize signs that something was wrong with my daughter's relationship with me, or lack of. But, I never dreamed she would snap over a year ago and shut me out of her life. I still to this day don't know what happened. I finally decided to send her a letter I had been working on for many months but couldn't send until now. I can't tell you how many times I wrote and rewrote this letter, but I needed to do this. I have a multitude of feelings about losing her and the girls, unbelievably hurt, incredibly angry, afraid and desperate to see my granddaughters, sad, but trying to survive. In my finished letter to her, I took out angry words and replaced them with words I knew I wouldn't have any regrets. I sent the letter with a birthday card, and still told her I love her. Unlike her, I have an unconditional love for her. I wish things could've turned out differently. I've had to fight to keep myself esteem. I pray that all of us out there can find some peace some day.

I sent the letter with a birthday card, and still told her I love her. Unlike her, I have an unconditional love for her. I wish things could've turned out differently. I've had to fight to keep my self esteem. I pray that all of us out there can find some peace some day.


And these are the exact words that cause mother and daughter conflict: "Unlike [you], I have unconditional love... "

I too wish I could just understand what has caused my daughter to behave the way she does. Ever since I noticed her desire not to be in my company, whenever we were together I was careful not to be critical of her or say anything confrontational. And I was always pleasant to her and her friends and boyfriends. And it's not like I'm some boring old fogey who just sits there with hands folded in my lap! I'm not interfering or bothersome. I email occasionally, often with something that doesn't even demand a reply. And I call or visit with extreme infrequence.
The worst part has been her subtle cruelty--telling me how much she loves her in-laws when she hasn't told me "I love you" in a dozen years, calling to say she needs my birthdate for a form because she can't remember it, pretending not to recall some important event in our lives. She never hugs me when I enter her home--only when I leave, as though she's glad I'm going--which it's overly obvious that she is. Her boyfriends and husband always asked me to stay longer. Her response was to reply, "Okay!" and jump to her feet to see me to the door. I can't even imagine what they think is going on. And of course her final act of not answering the door after I drove out of my way for a first visit with my grandchild--which is such utter cowardly cruelty that no one else who knows her would believe she did it!
I wish I could understand what has made her this way. My dad remarried after my mother died, and his second wife eventually became afflicted with Alzheimer's. Sometimes it felt like a chore to visit them, but I dutifully did so. He knew I loved him, and it would have been a cold day in hell that I would have ever refused to answer the door if he were on the threshold! I would give up ten years of my life to have my parents back again! My son-in-law's parents both died fairly young, and I'll bet he misses them acutely. And yet I absolutely know that my only child will be glad when I'm dead. She'll probably feel some guilt, but she'll be relieved.

There are so many similarities between our daughters (I can especially identify with what you say rose54). Mine too has this attitude of everything and everyone being there for her use. I've seen how she has become part of relationships only to drop people when she considers they have crossed her. She has also continued this pattern with the various jobs she has undertaken; all of them being at some kind of fault but never herself and same with school.

I'm not an expert on this sort of behaviour but I do think there must be something in the make-up of such people. We bring our children into this world and I feel sure we mostly do our best. I refuse now to let my daughter judge me as being a bad parent; I think that she is in no position to judge me when she's had no children herself and, by her own admission, is too selfish to have them.

I think we need to accept our mistakes, acknowledge we tried our best and move on if we can (and I know that's hard), but why should we keep feeling as is we're failures?

JudyKayTree:

You're entitled to your opinion, but these are not the words that cause the conflict - it is more deep seated than that.

I realize I'm entitled to have an opinion - I am also the daughter (obviously, of a mother) and I have daughters. I understand the pain and upset everyone has posted. It must be devastating. I am not oblivious to that.

That being said - I wasn't raised to disrepect my mother nor were my girls (stepdaughters, actually) raised to disrespect me. I don't think these problems (with the daughters) started yesterday or the moment they became adults.

What I am saying is once the "I'll bet she'll be sorry when I'm dead" language is posted I picture the guilt trip that is being imposed on the daughter (we had someone in my family who used that phrase all the time - that and "I'll probably be dead this time next year and so ...") and I sort of glaze over. Maybe it was years of this same guilt trip that caused the problem in the first place.

Again - who raised these daughters to be so disrespectful?

I do so agree with JKT. Who raised these daughters to be (disrespectful), Judy was kind, I will say NASTY.

Disrespect begets disrespect and so on and so on. I hope that the next line doesn't turn out so, but kids only mimic what they see and hear. And according to my books, violence begets, etc. in the home.

The OP, Ozarksmom, hasn't chimed in in a long time, and this is up to three pages now. I hope someone else has benefited from these tid bits of advice. It seems to be a recurring theme nowadays.

Okay, I will say it. I respected my mom, she respected her mom, I respected both of them together as long as I had them together (and beyond, I have neither now but what I learned from both still stands and still thought about) and my son just loves me to pieces and comes for advice and guidance. I only wish this for others.

Ms tickle

I was the one who used the statement that I wish she could realize what true love is before I go so that she doesn't feel bad after I'm gone.

I don't play head games with my daughter. I have never spoken those words to her. Just this forum that I thought was a place for people in the same situation.

I watched my mother die from cancer and did everything I could for her to make her life better. I remember making home made ice cream in February, which in Kansas is pretty cold to be outside cranking ice cream, but it was what she was hungry for and I was more than happy to do anything for her. After she died I felt a peace within myself that I had done all that I could do.

I then took care of my dad until he passed away and tried to do everything I could while holding down a full time job and running a farm. To this day I question myself that I could have done more, such as making more trips to see him instead of thinking I was too tired and would go the next day.

Because I love my daughter I don't want her to feel badly about the way she has treated me but perhaps I'm worrying about nothing if she feels in her heart she has treated me just fine.

My daughter was demanding all of her life. During her teen years she watched me take care of my parents so she saw what unconditional love is. One fault I made was to hop through her hoops to keep the emotional outbursts to a minimum. At the time this was going on I had all I could handle and keeping her happy allowed me to take care of my parents without her causing problems.

The man she is married to told me one that he thought she was an emotional manipulator. I had never heard that term before but I really think it fits.

Perhaps when they figure out that they can't emotional manipulate us any more we are no longer useful to them.

There has been 2 incidences in my daughter's life that would make anyone think about what's important. The first, she and my 2 grandchildren were in a horrendous car wreck. For 3 weeks my daughter was thankful to be alive and "loved" everyone, and was pleasant to be around during the 21 days I was at her side in the hospital. A few months later it was back to the same thing of only speaking when she needed something.

2 years ago an initial diagnosis of my 6 year old grandson was cancer. A month later and lost of tests showed that it wasn't. During this month she was humble and quiet and not demanding at all. After the scare was over. Back to being the same person.

We all have to walk in our own shoes and for years I berated myself for doing something wrong that ended up in her being the way she is. She has said things to me that I never would have thought to say to my mother and that is amazing to me.

Did I teach her to be disrespectful? If I did I don't know how I did it. I showed her what love for parents is. I tried to teach her never to get too big for your britches because it could all come crashing down at any time. I tried to teach her to live beneath your means in case an emergency comes up. (Last year she took out bankruptcy after being $85,000 in debt without anything to show for it).

I taught her not to lie because it is disrespectful to the other person.

I'm not perfect. I have seen children who were treated horribly by their mothers and they love them more than they deserve. I used to look at children that did bad things and wonder where their parents were in their lives. Surely they had been treated badly to turn out the way they did. A lot of times the parents seem to be like us. They did their best but the children never "got" it when it came to the love thing.

I am so glad I came on to this website. I too feel totally rejected by my daughter. I had three sons and I desperately wanted a daughter. I did have a beautiful daughter in the end and we were so close. It makes me feel very depressed.

I feel so sad when I read your story. It made me cry. My daughter is turning 21 soon and I was hoping that when she has a family of her own she would be closer. Now I am not so sure after reading your story.