I can probably guess what most of the responses are going to be after reading other posts on this website... but I wanted some insight anyway.

I am 19, boyfriends 24 almost 25. We have been together for a year and seven months now. For some reason, ever since I have been dating him I have always hated porn, I would get desperatly jealous even thinking about him looking at another naked woman. This is not a trust issue between us, I know that he would never cheat or do anything like that. This is because probably - I have confidence problems. I am worried that I will get compared to this other girl, yada yada.

I asked him the other day, just out of curiousity if he would ever want to watch porn together.. kind of hoping he would say no. He said that he would, if I felt comfortable with it so that we could get ideas of different things to do. (it gets kind of boring after a year and a half :p). For some reason it's a really touchy subject for me, I was crying, and he told me that its not worth it and to forget about it, he doesn't need it.

I want to watch porn with him, I want to be able to have something different, something to spice up our sex life. But once I start thinking about that I'm thinking about him having sex with me, while being turned on by some other hot girl on the TV screen and then I just go completely against it. But then I think.. he's been w/ me for a year and a half now. He loves me, why am I so worried? But its just this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach of some other girl turning the person I gave my heart to on.?

What do I do? I WANT TO WATCH PORN WITH HIM! I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT DOING IT! But then I get all weird and start feeling that other stuff... help :(

Ask yourself, when you watch porn on your own do you want the guy or girl in the scene more than your boyfriend? Of course not, because there is no emotional connection. He can't want a digital/tv image more than you, it isn't real. Does it arouse him, sure it does, and if you were to watch it alone it would arouse you too if you gave it a chance.

So go easy, try it yourself and get comfortable with it, then invite your boyfriend to watch with you. You will be surprised how it may enhance the intimacy you have with each other if you can honestly discuss what turns you on about particular scenes, etc.

My personal experience is that the porn movie lasts about 5 to 10 minutes tops before we are to horny watch anymore and we end up making love more intensely for hours or half thereof after watching it. My wife and I, and when in the situation with previous girlfriends have never been able to watch more than 10 or so minutes of a porn before jumping each other.

Have confidence in yourself and him; and have fun.

I have several rants on here about porn and the effects of it. If you are curious, simply do a search on here about the subject. Seems about every other concern is about one partner watching/reading about porn. Porn is one of the fastest growing addictions in the world today. People will choose to do things in the bedroom and in the privacy of their homes that others will find offensive. If you do not want to watch porn, then don't If you think you can use porn to "spice up" your bedroom experiences, it probably won't. Remember porn is like any other addiction eventually a little will not be enough and you will need more to get off.

I have several rants on here about porn and the effects of it. If you are curious, simply do a search on here about the subject. seems about every other concern is about one partner watching/reading about porn. Porn is one of the fastest growing addictions in the world today. people will choose to do things in the bedroom and in the privacy of their homes that others will find offensive. If you do not want to watch porn, then don't If you think you can use porn to "spice up" your bedroom experiences, it probably wont. remember porn is like any other addiction eventually a little will not be enough and you will need more to get off.

It's interesting that you view porn as an addiction. In a committed replationship or marriage it can be fun when both people participate together. If the couple has a fear of one or the other becoming addicted, then they could agree to not watching porn unless the other partner is there participating.

As I said previously, porn isn't real. When a single guy or girl watches porn and they don't have a real outlet for their sexual desires, porn can become addictive; however, my experience is that in a relationship where you share the porn experience it's really just an appetizer when the main course is always there next to you.

Like anything, moderate is the key. I think it's great when two consenting adults want explore the erotic triggers of porn, erotic stories, role play, etc.. We get to explore our sexuality with someone we trust and in turn get closer though the intimacy of being honest and non-judgemental.

You have to remember, these girls are fake and special effects have been used to make them look better than they actually do. Your boyfriend knows they are fake, he also knows that you are real. I totally agree with the person that said when you watch it you will be turned on by the people in the porn, but not nearly as much as you will be by your boyfriend who you will actually be having sex with. When my boyfriend and I did it it was kind of awkward at first and we both kind of giggled and nervously laughed, but it led to us getting more comfortable with each other, trying new things, and having a lot of sex in a short period (I think the last one was the best part lol!) If you don't like it you can always turn it off, but don't forget that he knows that those girls are not you and that those girls are not going to turn him on anywhere as much as you wanting to do that with him and being there with him! Have fun!

Porn can be great for couples... particularly those who don't have self esteme issues they try to blame on it.

Porn is just an adult movie... nothing more. Guys don't actually think they will be sleeping with those stars any more than women think they will be going out with Brad Pitt anytime soon.

Watching it together can give you ideas and as a couple you can expand what's on the menu. And keep things from ever becoming dull and routine. And when it never gets dull, the temptation to wander never becomes overwhelming.

Your issue is NOT porn.

Your issue is your self-esteem and self-confidence.

I suggest seeing a counselor to get help for THAT, and other issues probably won't be there anymore.

Thanks for the responses everyone... and synnen I understand that my issue is not porn. I said in my original post that it is myself confidence. But thanks for the responses I appreciate it

Thanks for the responses everyone...and synnen I understand that my issue is not porn. I said in my original post that it is my self confidence. But thanks for the responses I appreciate it

Well why not start a new thread dealing with issues of self-confidence, there are some pretty insightful people out here that can give you some ideas as to how to improve your self-esteem. The benefits in you life and in your relationships will be without measure if tackle this core behavior, all other issues will be less burdensome and you will gain a natural ability to to discern the proper path when you learn to love yourself more.

You are too desperate at this point about your relationship. You are apt to do a host of things that aren't good for you including this willingness to view pornography with your boyfriend.

Don't run away from what is best for you just because you are afraid you will lose a man. If he's a creep and treats you badly, *let him go* right away.

There are plenty of young men out there who are looking for a good *confident* young woman to love. You deserve happiness, girl.

Read articles about he harmful effects of porn on young people by Googling the subject.

Don't give up on your sexuality when you are a teenager!! You have lots of living and learning to do with real men. :)

Best wishes,

"Viewing Porn" is not the moral equivalent of Body length burlap sacks in the middle east.

But to some people the reasoning between the two is identical. And that is viewing X is bad for you. Even from opposite ends of the world.

You are too desperate at this point about your relationship. You are apt to do a host of things that aren't good for you including this willingness to view pornography with your boyfriend.

Don't run away from what is best for you just because you are afraid you will lose a man. If he's a creep and treats you badly, *let him go* right away.


I don't think your understanding everything, choux, though I do appreciate the answer. I want to look at porn with my boyfriend, he is NOT a creep in the least, and the last thing I ever want to do is let him go. He told me that if it bothers me he doesn't want to do it. I'm not doing it because I'm afraid to loose him, I'm thinking about doing it because I WANT to! I just posted another topic about my self-esteem in mental and emotional health. Thanks guys.

smoothy, I think you were going somewhere with that post. But it went straight over my head. Explain, please? :p

I think another reason (besides my self-confidence, well its related I guess), is because my boyfriend has been to his fair share of strip clubs, and seen plenty of naked women on TV and in person, and been with about 6 women, that I just feel like I don't match up. Although he says its not the case, it makes it even more difficult to get over this freak porn hatred I have with him looking at it. :p

I think another reason (besides my self-confidence, well its related I guess), is because my boyfriend has been to his fair share of strip clubs, and seen plenty of naked women on tv and in person, and been with about 6 women, that I just feel like I don't match up. Although he says its not the case, it makes it even more difficult to get over this freak porn hatred I have with him looking at it. :p

Let me ask you, do you trust him? I understand he's a great guy and treats you with respect, etc. Does he look at other women when you are around. Are other women attracted to him?

I just wonder if there is something other than your own lack of self-confidence that is leading you to wonder about his desires for other women?

Also, do you want to watch porn for you, or do you want to do it to please him because at some level you feel you aren't exciting him enough and you don't want to lose him?

Yes I trust him with all of my heart, 100% sure he would never cheat on me, no he doesn't look at other woman, and last night told him our server was pretty, then I asked if he thought she was, and he said yes but your pretty too and she probably doesn't have the personality that you have.

No I don't wonder about his desires for other women... although I know why you would think I do. I just don't want to get off looking at another woman or have some other girl on a porno turning him on. I don't like that.

I want to watch porn because I want to. Not because I feel like I would lose him, I don't feel like that at all. He doesn't want to if it will make me uncomfortable, but I want to to try to spice things up I guess, have more ideas, something different, you know? But then after I think that.. I think oh my gosh, he's going to be looking at another woman's body and be aroused by it. Not because I don't trust him, but because I have this weird problem with him looking at porn that I cannot explain.

I trust him with everything, like I said. Don't think I don't. I just don't like the idea of some naked woman getting him going.

Well if you are intent on looking at porn, what about this approach.

You have decided that you want to look at porn to spice things up, but you don't want your boyfriend to be aroused by it. Well, that's not going to happen, he will be aroused by it (I have explained in previous posts).

Porn isn't always about the physical, sometimes for a guy it could be that the girl looks innocent, or she's a nurse... ;). The thing is, you could watch porn on your own to get ideas of how to spice up your sex life and then he doesn't have to get turned on by the girls, and you can get ideas from it.

Or you could try erotic stories, literature that you could read together or to each other which can be even more arousing and there are no pictures.

You could try and get ideas from sexuality sites; but mostly you could ask him what his fantasies are in a non-judgemental way and if you are comfortable with them, have that fantasy with him.

This might sound bad, but if that is a picture of you in the little avatar thing below your nickname, I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about in the looks department.

Forgive me for being forward, but in my opinion, you have a very nice body and shouldn't have a low self-esteem or confidence issues. You boyfriend is a very lucky guy to have you and that's the truth.

Well thank you, blackvy, and yes that is me, and I do not understand why I have these problems and worries about my boyfriend either. I grew up my whole life with my father cheatin on my mother, and she had low confidence for as long as I can remember. Maybe that has something to do with it, although I am not worried in the least about my boyfriend cheating. But just an idea that that may have something to do with it. I'm not searching for compliments or attention, I sincerely just am like this for some reason. Thank you for your responses.

I think I can thank the media for wanting a picture perfect body, but that is what I want. I know I'm not close to getting it and probably will never have one (I'm addicted to chocolate). I think my confidence issues have gotten much worse since I gained that 25 pounds since I started college.

If you're looking for new ideas, you don't have to watch porn. You could buy a book. I've seen them at Borders. I'm sure you could find them at other book stores too. Just an idea. =)

See I understand in a way. Due to your low self-esteem and lack of confidence in yourself, you tend to think others are better than you. You are not worried about your boyfriend cheating, but you do worry about other woman being better than you. The problem with porn is that these woman are very unrealistic, very made up and fake. Its all about acting with them.

See, I'm a guy, and I know about porn stuff, obviously, and once, my girlfriend told me she'd like to watch porn with me one day. That was a weird statement for her to say, because she has a very low self-esteem too, doesn't think much of herself and always comments on her physical appearance and compares herself to others, so if she saw some fake actress in a porno, she's feel worse about herself.

In the same way, if a guy is not ultra confident in himself, watching porn with his girl would be a little hard for him, because then he might compare himself with the guy in the porno, like body or ummm... size. But again, these guys ain't all real either. They are enhanced, but if the girlfriend is enjoying watching these guys and then she compares the guy on the porno to the guy next to her, it makes her boyfriend feel bad.

I guess if you are anything like me, on a sun-conscious level, you still don't feel like you match up to these people, and if your partner enjoys watching the people on TV, people you can't compare to, it makes you feel bad that you are not like them.

I'm glad you understand exactly how I'm feeling! When your girlfriend asked you to watch porn.. did you do it? Since you said she has low confidence did it make it worse? Or anything in the relationship worse? Did she/you like watching porn together? Does she still like to, or did she not like it after the first time?

Well she mentioned it, but we didn't do it. I knew she wouldn't feel good about it, and neither would I really, so I just said "We'll see"... but I don't intend to watch it with her till she feels better about herself and I do too.

I know it'll take a long time till she OK with herself, because though she is the most beautiful girl I've eva seen, honestly, she still gets scared when we are watching a normal movie, and the actress is in a bikini or something. She worries I like what I'm seeing on TV, but then I just tell her those people on TV do nothing for me, and she feels a little better because I'm being honest and telling her she is the only woman who does anything for me.

I guess to help yourself out here, you could sit down with your boyfriend and ask him what attracts him to porn so much. Does he like the way the women on there look, or what they do? If its looks, then you could be in trouble, because he has unrealistic expectations, but if he likes what they are doing, then you don't have to worry. To him, porn would be like the karmasutra, just a video instead of a book.

I recommend to spice things up, get ideas and positions and stuff from porn, ignore the way people look or what assets they have, because your boyfriend is wit you and he is crazy about what you have, and I'm sure he wouldn't trade you in for a pornstar anyday


PS: Take some pride in yourself because you are a beautiful woman. Your boyfriend knows that and knows how lucky he is.

PPS: Personally, I'm not a fan of thin girls who feel like they are going to snap in my arms. I prefer fit and healthy, not thin and bony, and I know a lot of guys agree with me. It's a fact

Good point, but when you said to ask him what attracts him to porn so mcuh, its not really about that.He hasn't watched porn for 19 months since we have been together, and he's not the one who brought it up, it was me. He just said that if I want to to get more ideas, then it's a good idea and he will do it. Only if I feel comfortable. :)

Well that's very nice of him, giving you a choice. Obviously he ain't into it that much, like he is not crazy about it and you are more then enough for him. He gave it as a suggestion so you could have some ideas, so I guess that proves he ain't into the women in these videos, he is suggesting it to you guys for the ideas, positions, storylines and games you could play to keep it interesting. I guess in that case, one of the earlier posts could be useful, where you could get a book about it. It would have pictures and instructions, which is just as good as the video. Lol! How would you feel about a sex book or something, instead of a porn video?

We have a karma sutra book, but I guess its just not the same for me as porn, lol. I think that porn would get us both going more.. which is what I want. Since we have been together for this long its kind of routine now. He doesn't really do all the same things he used to, he still is good in bed, its just not the same/interesting. So I think porn would really help, but this stupid voice telling me there's other beautiful naked women with better bodies/bigger boobs/more attractive and what the media shows girls should look like will be 'compteition' for me, and I don't like him looking at that. But I don't want to watch it by myself, I think it would be more intense I guess if we watched to together. But I don't know I'm just weird about it I guess. Ugh

Its perfectly understandable. I feel the same way. See, I'm an Indian guy and my girlfriend is a hot white girl, blonde hair, green eyes.

If I was to watch porn with her, how many medium build Indian guys are there in porn? I'd feel yuck knowing she is watching a tall white guy with rock hard abs, while she is with me. I'd feel like she is asking why I ain't like that.

Its true. Media does give us the idea that women are meant to be tall, leggy, big boobs, flat tummy perfect size 6s and stuff, but that's not reality. Just like media tells us that men should be big strong, 6pac guys. Maybe 10% of the population might be like that, but what about the rest of us then? Are we meant to strive for those unrealistic unattainable goals?

I don't think so. I believe, sometimes, that I'm made the way that I am for my girlfriend. Its hard for me to tell myself this, because of my low self-esteem and self image, but I tell myself my girl is what me, because of what I look like. If she wanted to be with a guy on TV or something, she'd look for a guy like that and wouldn't be with me at all.

I guess you could tell yourself something along the same lines, what your man is with you for who you are and he is crazy about the way you look. You turn him on in a way no one else could. I guess the hard part is making yourself believe that.

Another thing though, I do understand things can get kind of repetitive and routine in the bedroom. I know it could get to the point where you do it just for the sake of doing it, but your not really into it. The fire may have gone out. What I suggest is you find out some stuff on the net, or if you really feel like it, watch a little, just a very little bit of porn for yourself, not for the people in it, but for the ideas of how you can surprise you man or spice things up. I personally don't think porn has much ideas or story lines for couples to use to spice things up in the bedroom, but I have some ideas of what could help.

Thank you

thank you

No worries... if you need anymore advice on this topic, drop me a line, since my girlfriend is gorgeous but has a low self-esteem, I think I understand how you feel, how your boyfriend would feel and think, and I could help... good luck... peace :)

Plus I feel like all the time porn is all about the girls, even if it is a girl in the guy. It always focuses on the girl and her boobs and vagina and face and her moanings. WHY? Why can't it be a fair share so I don't feel like I'm inviting my guy to get off on this girl on TV, everything focuses on the girl. I hate it.

Hmm true.. I agree with this point, it is mostly about the girl... but then again, think about the target audience... lol!

A guy wouldn't really want to see a lot of a guy, because that makes it gay... but I do understand, a girl would feel bad watching these porn actresses...

All I can suggest is that you try to ignore the faces or bodies of both parties in the pornos and just get ideas about themes, storylines and positions. I'm sure you could think of these things on your own anyway, or even ask your boyfriend. Sure he'd have ideas of his own too, and you could come up with way better stuff that any porno could, because it'd be personal to you guys

There actually IS porn out there that's directed BY women, FOR women. I can't remember who the publishing house is, but it does exist.

The thing is---guys are waaaaaaay more visual than women. Most women I talk to say that it's almost all mental with them, and most guys go with the visual. It's just different ways of looking at things, and I'm not trying to stereotype--I know plenty of women that do the visual thing, and guys that do the mental, but it's just different wiring for different people.

Personally, I'll take good erotica (like Anais Nin) over a porn any day, but I still like watching porn with the hubby. He'd rather watch porn, but will read erotica on my suggestions to "get into my brain" on sexy ideas.

Well you have to look at the age difference Anxious_RN, he is 25 your 19 of course he has seen and done his fair share. Just don't let it get to you, he is YOURS and I'm sure your learning things from him so its only a matter of time until you figure things out on your own. Like others have said there are plenty of ways you can get ideas to spice things up. Go look at some porn yourself read a sex book or any combination of things.

About your boyfriend and porn it's all fantasy... Kind of like when you get into a group of all your girlfriends what do you talk about? Guys, the hot waiter, the guy who just walked by? Maybe this does mean things do need spicing up, but if you don't have any reason to fear him leaving you and going to "explore" other girls then what's it matter? This is just an insecurity that will either make him angry or push him away unless you can find a way to deal with it or just join him. Maybe he never outgrew masturbation, some guys don't even after they get into sexual relationships. But that facts are he does do it and you don't like it. But stop thinking of the problems and think of the solutions!

As for the strip clubs has he been going a lot even well into your relationship? I don't think it's very right to go when you have a ready and willing partner at home that could probably give you a better "show" but sometimes guys can get sucked into going by friends and not of their own will.

As for problems with your confidence think of it like this. You have had your BF for almost 2 years he has to be staying around for some reason right? Almost everyone has self image problems at some point in their lives so you really just have to accept things the way they are or strive to change them. Take this quote for example "Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly" What does this mean to you? To me it says that if you don't strive to constently TRY to better yourself and inch slowly towards self perfection then your not putting in any effort and without effort and goals and things to strive for things will slowly recede and get worse and worse.

So you have low self esteem? What are you doing to try and get over it and through it? Worried about your wheight then get to the gym. If you constantly improve yourself physically AND mentally you will NOT have confidence / self esteem issues.

To address the RN.

I don't know if you really want to watch porn with your mate. I think you want to do something your mate wants to do. I think you want to get more creative in the bedroom and porn was a convenient choice. Spice-up your love life together. Just the 2 of you. It does neither of you any good to introduce strangers into your bed.

There are many things you can do to spice up your love life. Y'all can get a sex-position book and a journal. Go through it together, first with your eyes and when your up for it your bodies. Write sexual fantasies to one another. Be intimate with each other without intercourse. Have fun and get out of your routine.

( my two cents--------Someone said that porn wasn't real. Someone else said they are just movies. I disagree. People in porn are really having sex. People are really performing sexual acts on other people. People in the porn industry have a high rate of STDs. People in the porn industry have an unusually high rate of suicide. Porn is real. The movies that we see on the big screen/box office the sex scenes are rarely if ever real. There is a stark contrast between porn and major movie productions. )

To address the RN.

I don't know if you really want to watch porn with your mate. I think you want to do something your mate wants to do. I think you want to get more creative in the bedroom and porn was a convenient choice. Spice-up your love life together. Just the 2 of you. It does neither of you any good to introduce strangers into your bed.

There are many things you can do to spice up your love life. Y'all can get a sex-position book and a journal. Go through it together, first with your eyes and when your up for it your bodies. Write sexual fantasies to one another. Be intimate with each other without intercourse. Have fun and get out of your routine.

( my two cents--------Someone said that porn wasn't real. Someone else said they are just movies. I disagree. People in porn are really having sex. People are really performing sexual acts on other people. People in the porn industry have a high rate of STDs. People in the porn industry have an unusually high rate of suicide. Porn is real. The movies that we see on the big screen/box office the sex scenes are rarely if ever real. There is a stark contrast between porn and major movie productions. )

My one cent -----------> Yes the people in porn are really having sex, but its not really making love is it? They are doing their job and having intercourse. It is not out of love or because they feel something strong for each other and choose to be intimate. Therefore, their reactions to certain things may not always be accurate as they do not have the emotional connection with the person they are doing stuff with... this might result in the unfortunately high rate of suicide... just my opinion

As for the strip clubs has he been going alot even well into your relationship? I dont think it's very right to go when you have a ready and willing partner at home that could probably give you a better "show" but sometimes guys can get sucked into going by friends and not of their own will.

Thank you for your response, joe. As for the strip clubs as mentioned above, he hasn't gone since we have been together.. I was just saying that since he has been to his fair share before we got together, I feel like I don't match up to those girls that he has seen. If he would have gone to a strip club when we were together I may have second-though our relationship as he knows that I don't like them and it is distrepectful to me to go to one, and I believe that in a committed relationship respect is important. But he hasn't gone since we were together. Thank you for your input!

( my two cents--------Someone said that porn wasn't real. Someone else said they are just movies. I disagree. People in porn are really having sex. People are really performing sexual acts on other people. People in the porn industry have a high rate of STDs. People in the porn industry have an unusually high rate of suicide. Porn is real. The movies that we see on the big screen/box office the sex scenes are rarely if ever real. There is a stark contrast between porn and major movie productions. )

Good point hitman, that's a good thing to bring up when talking about porn (and also good point blackvy on rebuttling it). However, its real enough for me to know that my boyfriend will be having sex with me while staring down another naked woman in our own bedroom. Where's the respect in that?. ugh. Lol. Thank you for all of your responses everyone.

Thank you for your response, joe. as for the strip clubs as mentioned above, he hasn't gone since we have been together..I was just saying that since he has been to his fair share before we got together, I feel like I don't match up to those girls that he has seen. If he would have gone to a strip club when we were together I may have second-though our relationship as he knows that I don't like them and it is distrepectful to me to go to one, and I believe that in a committed relationship respect is important. But he hasn't gone since we were together. Thank you for your input!

Sorry for the misinterpretation... Mutral respect and honesty are key in relationships but so is FUN! Sometimes in relationships somebody just has to bite the bullet so to speak.

Also stop doughting yourself girl... There ARE better looking women out there than you. Just like there ARE better looking guys than myself. Your guy is sticking around for OTHER reasons than just looks. Being good looking helps in a sense but in REAL relationships it's just as much about your mental outlooks and projections as physical. You have the hand you were delt and you can change it slightly but for the most part you are what you are. So have some confidence and strut your aces and keep the low cards in the back of the deck so to speak.

I'll second that. There are always better looking people... as well as far worse looking people... but except for a few "Shallow Hal" types its what's inside you that keeps them around... Your looks may have gotten their initial attention, but its your personality that keeps them.

Worrying about someone on a videotape isn't the way to go around enjoying life and what it has to offer. You don't worry about Female Hollywood movie stars... why worry about some two-bit porn star?

Your going at this the wrong way. Porn is not the issue, but the way you feel about yourself, that's the whole thing in a nutshell.

Use your computer to Google books on building self confidence, and self esteem, and learn to cope with your own feelings, so you can put porn, sex, and everything else in their proper perspective, and not take it as a personal threat to your womanhood.

That's where you start the learning process, with you. Everything else will fall in place, and you won't have those feelings in the pit of your stomach, when your sharing things like porn, or anything else, with your man.