Can someone please help me understand how I should feel and what I should do?
I have now been with my man for two years and seven months, and I love him so much. When we first started dating he told me that he had two kids. Being that I'm the oldest of five and I've always had children around me, I love kids, and I didn't think his kids would be a problem... that's where I messed up!
He has a son the same age as my younger sister, which was seven at the time, but they act nothing alike. Well I wasn't really expecting him to behave the same way that she does, but being that they were the same age and in the same grade, I thought that they would be learning the same things in school, so I tried to play a little spelling game with them. I would give them a quiz, just for fun, and then help them on the words they misspelled. Well his son would call me an idiot and tell me that I didn't know anything and that I was wrong. So I stopped playing that with him.
At another time, still trying to build a relationship with his son so that me and my man's relationship could work, I let the little boy spend the night at my house with me and my godson. He wouldn't eat his vegetables for dinner, he told me that he only eats chicken. That night his son, seven-years-old, tried to put his hands under my night gown! Then, the next morning I made the children oatmeal for breakfast and he told me that he wasn't going to eat that because oatmeal is supposed to be crunchy!
Later that day we were supposed to go fishing. After I got dressed, I grabbed my purse and called my man. The little boy told me that only idiots carry purses. I told the little boy that his dad was on his way and he told me that I'm nothing but a liar. When his dad got there, he told him that I was on the phone with other men and that I had a man come over to see me the previous night!
There have been several different occasions where my man and I would have to stop what we're doing because of them! We would be in the movies and he'd get a phone call saying that his daughter, two-years-old, needs pampers, so we would have to leave. Or that his son is home alone and we'll have to stop what we're doing for him to go tend to that situation. He would leave wherever we were, drop me off home, and then go check on the boy! But in the end, everything is okay and the boy isn't even there alone! I understand that these are his kids, but I think he needs to put his foot down!
I recently took my godson to the park and saw my man's son there playing. When he saw me, he ran over and instantly began to talk negative! He asked me why was I there and did I think that I was coming to see his father.
I've tried explaining to him how I feel about them and I told him that I think they're interfering with our relationship, but he hasn't done anything to try to fix it! He gets defensive every time I mention them and he says that I don't understand because I don't have children of my own.
I'm now pregnant from him with my first child and he thinks that the baby is going make me see his kids differently. I told him that I don't dislike them I just think that they're disrespectful and I don't want want to spend time with them alone. As long as he's there, I don't mind them being there.
My man's mother now thinks that I mistreat the children because I don't want to spend any time with them. She's asked how am I going to feel if she mistreats my child. She told me that his other two kids are her first grandkids and they're her heart and that my child isn't gold or special to her because she has eight other grands. I explained to her why I don't get his kids and she tries to justify all of their actions! This wouldn't bother me so much if my man wouldn't have agreed with her! They're making it seem like it's my fault! Now she wants me to get them every weekend and take them off and spend my money on them and I don't want to! She says that those are my kids and that I will take care of them. She also says that this isn't my first child, it's my third and wants me to buy them something every time I buy something for my baby!
My man hasn't addressed his mom or his kids about the situation. I'm tired of us having to argue about those kids every weekend. Instead of him saying that he's getting his kids, he gets mad at me Friday through Sunday and tries to hide that they're there! I never told him that I would get mad if he got his kids, but he tries to make it seem like I don't want him to see them. I don't mind him spending time with them, even if it is every weekend, I just think that they shoud be disciplined and taught some manners. He thinks that I'm wrong and says that I'm the only one who thinks so. What should I do? :confused:

Wow do you have a problem! Not very helpful I know, but I'm very good at seeing the bleeding obvious!
Well I think to begin with his son does not like the idea that his father is not with his mother. Again the bleeding obvious but hey I'm good at that. So stop fighting a battle you cannot win. It seems to me that as far as this family is concerned you are in the wrong. You do not say what happened to the first woman, but to me you are definatley going to be the next ex misses. Although you have a bun in the oven, I still think you should tell this man it's either you or them and let him choose, or better still go find yourself a better man. If he loved you that much he would not have allowed this situation to have developed.
I wonder if you are just a useful tool to him to save him the trouble of paying for his pleasures!

You can't make a man choose between his kids or you. You CANNOT do that. But you can make the choice.

I'm sorry you're pregnant. That does make this impossible to tolerate situation something you now HAVE to tolerate. Very, VERY unfortunate. Oh well.

You will have to stop trying to interact with his kids at all. You can't affect the kids, they are not to be trusted and you know that. But they're his kids so you're also not going to get any peace either.

Now that you're pregnant, you also have to think about the well-being of your coming baby. You think the way those kids treat YOU is bad, you want to risk your own child in that environment? Not me... never would happen.

Normally I would just remind you this guy will always prioritize his kids over you and tell you to move on if you can't live happily in the #2 position (or #3, or #4... whatever it actually is). Now, all I can think of is "protect your baby, protect yourself...stay away from his kids 100%."

I'm sorry for your situation.

Your pregnant, and that's your first priority. Everything else is irrelevant to you.

Having said that, you have taken on a monumental task that will require a lot of time, and effort, to resolve, and thats making a blended family work.

As I see it, his expectations are unreasonable, and his support is NIL, NADA, NOTHING. Without it, its just too much for you alone, and at this time, remove yourself from this situation until thru communications a better more realistic plan has to be made. It does not include being a babysitter at all. You better let him know that, and stand your ground.

Take care of yourself, and what's important, and leave the rest alone, until you get the help, and support you need.

Hey! I really appreciate all the input from you guys and girls! In response to davers, he was with the last girl for nine years and she decided that she wanted to see other people because he was her only real boyfriend (they started dating at 12). So I'm not sure if you would consider their relationship a real relationship being that they were so young. They never really did boyfriend/girlfriend type of things, besides making kids. So when they separated they stopped talking also. They exchange the kids through his mom. Other than those kids being an issue in our relationship EVERY weekend or whenever school is out, we have a wonderful relationship! I just hate having to constantly fight with him over the same thing that isn't ever going to change! We've broken up more than a few times over this, but we always end up back together. I think that it would make his family happier if we separated because I would have to be the one that leaves being that his kids aren't going anywhere. But he thinks that us breaking up because of his kids is a stupid reason to break up. I really love him and I want to be with him but his kids are really causing a MAJOR problem in our relationship and he doesn't see it!

There's no such thing as an unreasonable breakup. Relationships are emotional, and that is their purpose. As individuals, we could all survive without relationships, and if we choose not to have the luxury of a relationship, we shouldn't have to have a reason that makes sense to everybody. We're allowed to break up on our own. It's one of those things that we don't have to consult with out partner with before doing. Many choose to, but it's not necessary.

If you're not willing to put up with his kids for him, then don't! Your pregnancy will make this decision a lot harder, but like others said, put yourself first. Your man doesn't seem to be helping the situation and his kids, honestly, sound like brats to me... If they don't respect you, I really don't think they respect their father that much better. And grandparents are always fawning over children and tend to overlook their various negative qualities. Be confident in any decision you make because you have a right to make your own choices. Don't let other people tell you that you're wrong.

can someone please help me understand how i should feel and what i should do?
i have now been with my man for two years and seven months, and I love him so much. when we first started dating he told me that he had two kids. being that I'm the oldest of five and i've always had children around me, i love kids, and i didn't think his kids would be a problem... that's where i messed up!
he has a son the same age as my younger sister, which was seven at the time, but they act nothing alike. well I wasn't really expecting him to behave the same way that she does, but being that they were the same age and in the same grade, i thought that they would be learning the same things in school, so i tried to play a little spelling game with them. i would give them a quiz, just for fun, and then help them on the words they misspelled. well his son would call me an idiot and tell me that i didn't know anything and that i was wrong. so i stopped playing that with him.
at another time, still trying to build a relationship with his son so that me and my man's relationship could work, i let the little boy spend the night at my house with me and my godson. he wouldn't eat his vegetables for dinner, he told me that he only eats chicken. that night his son, seven-years-old, tried to put his hands under my night gown! then, the next morning i made the children oatmeal for breakfast and he told me that he wasn't going to eat that because oatmeal is supposed to be crunchy!
later that day we were supposed to go fishing. after i got dressed, i grabbed my purse and called my man. the little boy told me that only idiots carry purses. i told the little boy that his dad was on his way and he told me that i'm nothing but a liar. when his dad got there, he told him that i was on the phone with other men and that i had a man come over to see me the previous night!
there have been several different occasions where my man and i would have to stop what we're doing because of them! we would be in the movies and he'd get a phone call saying that his daughter, two-years-old, needs pampers, so we would have to leave. or that his son is home alone and we'll have to stop what we're doing for him to go tend to that situation. he would leave wherever we were, drop me off home, and then go check on the boy! but in the end, everything is okay and the boy isn't even there alone! i understand that these are his kids, but i think he needs to put his foot down!
i recently took my godson to the park and saw my man's son there playing. when he saw me, he ran over and instantly began to talk negative! he asked me why was i there and did i think that i was coming to see his father.
i've tried explaining to him how i feel about them and i told him that i think they're interfering with our relationship, but he hasn't done anything to try to fix it! he gets defensive everytime i mention them and he says that i don't understand because i don't have childen of my own.
i'm now pregnant from him with my first child and he thinks that the baby is going make me see his kids differently. i told him that i don't dislike them i just think that they're disrespectful and i don't want want to spend time with them alone. as long as he's there, i don't mind them being there.
my man's mother now thinks that i mistreat the children because i don't want to spend any time with them. she's asked how am i going to feel if she mistreats my child. she told me that his other two kids are her first grandkids and they're her heart and that my child isn't gold or special to her because she has eight other grands. i explained to her why i don't get his kids and she tries to justify all of their actions! this wouldn't bother me so much if my man wouldn't have agreed with her! they're making it seem like it's my fault! now she wants me to get them every weekend and take them off and spend my money on them and i don't want to! she says that those are my kids and that i will take care of them. she also says that this isn't my first child, it's my third and wants me to buy them something everytime i buy something for my baby!!
my man hasn't addressed his mom or his kids about the situation. i'm tired of us having to argue about those kids every weekend. Instead of him saying that he's getting his kids, he gets mad at me friday through sunday and tries to hide that they're there! i never told him that i would get mad if he got his kids, but he tries to make it seem like i don't want him to see them. i don't mind him spending time with them, even if it is every weekend, i just think that they shoud be disciplined and taught some manners. He thinks that i'm wrong and says that i'm the only one who thinks so. what should i do? :confused:

Just to start with, you should let him that you are the one that is there to be with him, to help him and love him. In helping him, you also watch his children. It's not fair when he doesn't help you with that. Let him know and remind him that you two are in it together. Why fight about it all? Let him know that you love him and his kids. You are not their mommy replacement, and you feel that with this baby you need to have a start for yourself too. It's not fair that he had all his firsts and you don't get any of yours. You are buying things for your baby and preparing to have this new baby in your lives. Instead of buying things for the other children, have them help you with some of your baby decisions. Get them involved and they will be a little better off. I know my 7 year old enjoyed helping me with his 6 other siblings things. I hope this helps you a little.

Hey!! I really appreciate all the input from you guys and girls!! In response to davers, he was with the last girl for nine years and she decided that she wanted to see other people because he was her only real boyfriend (they started dating at 12). So I'm not sure if you would consider their relationship a real relationship being that they were so young. They never really did boyfriend/girlfriend type of things, besides making kids. So when they seperated they stopped talking also. They exchange the kids through his mom. Other than those kids being an issue in our relationship EVERY weekend or whenever school is out, we have a wonderful relationship! I just hate having to constantly fight with him over the same thing that isn't ever going to change!! We've broken up more than a few times over this, but we always end up back together. I think that it would make his family happier if we seperated because I would have to be the one that leaves being that his kids aren't going anywhere. But he thinks that us breaking up because of his kids is a stupid reason to break up. I really love him and I want to be with him but his kids are really causing a MAJOR problem in our relationship and he doesn't see it!

Hi New Mum, having your own children certainly makes you see the world in a different light. Maybe it will assist you in seeing his side of the problem. However, you have a little one to consider now. How is his family going to react to the new babe? Are they prepared to accept your child as a part of their extended family?
Have you tried to compromise with him, accept his children every other weekend. Why should he have to give up (and by proxy you have to give up too)every weekend. Seems to me that that is a bit selfish on her part. You do need to consider the future, not just yours. How will the little one feel growing up and not accepted by all. Children are very quick in picking up these vibes.
I know you say you love him, but I still feel you should walk away and find a better man (try an Englishman, they're much nicer and far more considerate. Not that I want you to think I'm biased in any way, perish the thought.)

I hope you are able to do things without stressing yourself out too much. You and your baby don't need all that drama. Some of these people in here are right, think about yourself as well, not just your boyfriend and his kids. You need to do what is right for you. You have the reasponsability of your new baby now. I hope that with everything going on you still find time for yourself. Take care of you!