Agent706
Oct 24, 2008, 01:21 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We’ve gone through a lot of tough stuff in our relationship, from manipulating ex-girlfriend trying to get back with him to major behavioral issues regarding my daughter and others. We even separated for a little over a year (lived apart) to try to work out some individual issues. In fact, last September we tried to officially end it because neither of us was making the effort to communicate with each other about our problems and how to work through them. But, we realized that during our time apart we both had made some significant positive changes. My boyfriend was very depressed for quite some time and had decided to get help with that, much to his benefit. I had time to work with my daughter on some big issues that led to lots of improvement with her, as well as reclaim my sense of self that I lost while we lived together. So, we decided to give our relationship another chance, making clear what our needs are and how to better communicate with each other about sensitive issues that often led to arguments. November of last year we moved back in together at his house (I was renting for way too much!). Things seemed to be going very well. In January of this year my boyfriend lost his job. I told him that I would be willing to cover the bills if he went back to school (he had done that for me in the past). He agreed. He was collecting unemployment and was going to go to school in the summer. That never happened. He didn’t apply for jobs, he blew off getting started in school and essentially sat around on the computer for months on end. Finally, after several conversations where I tried to encourage him to get on his feet and he did nothing I decided that in order for me to realize my dreams (finish my next degree, buy a nice home, etc.) I was going to have to just keep moving forward regardless of what he was doing. I had come to the point where I was prepared (not happy about) to let him go to make my own happiness. So, I started the ball rolling to get a home loan. Needless to say he was not too thrilled about that! He was so mad. He yelled and ed and tried to project things on me. But, I stayed calm and explained to him that we had a plan and he failed to follow through with his end of the deal, so I wasn’t accepting responsibility for his lack of effort, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold so he could sit and do nothing.
The next day his attitude was completely different. He was very sad and humbled and was willing to own his part in the problems we were having. He cried all day long and apologized for everything. I told him that I never said anything about our relationship being over, just that I was going to continue to move forward in my life or I would surely become depressed and resentful. I told him to get his together, find a job, get back on the anti-depressants, and start being positive again. And, true to his word he spent almost every day applying for jobs, he got back on the meds, and was more motivated. He also was treating me as though I was special to him, like he was glad to be with me. By the time I found a house, did the deal and closed (Oct.1) we were doing pretty well. He found a good job and started being more positive about us.
Now we’ve been living in the new house for almost a month. He’s been at his job for just over that. And, I’m starting to notice (over the past couple of weeks) that his attitude is changing again. He’s become kind of self righteous and condescending. He also seems to have lifestyle interests since he’s been working with new people – like wanting to go out on the weekends to the bar with friends. All of a sudden he’s telling me that something’s going to have to give regarding our work schedules if this relationship is going to work. I work long weekend hours and he works during the week so we don’t get a lot of time together. But, this isn’t permanent. I work weekends so I have time during the week to study for school. Since we moved I’ve been spending most of my time off trying to get things settled in the new house (fixing little things here and there). I feel like I’m the only one doing this. I’ve asked for his input several times about paint colors or decorating ideas or where to put things and I get the response “It’s your house.” My response to that is always, “It’s our home.” It feels like there is a lot of me/you, mine/ yours and little we/us. When we lived at his house I often felt like I was walking on eggshells because it was his house, not mine. I don’t want that to be the case in this home. I want us to be together on things. I know we’re all going through lots of adjustment right now, but this is a time when I should feel excited about the prospects of the future for all of us, and I feel so down and alone and I don’t know what went wrong. I’ve asked for his help because I feel really depressed, and I’m seeing my doctor next week, but I’m starting to worry that I may not be the right person for him with the obligations and life that I have. It’s like he’s becoming a different person and that person doesn’t coincide with what our shared goals were. To make matters worse, the situation we’re currently in is quite complicated because my friend is moving here in December and will be renting his house. We also have some debt together and if things were to end he would likely want me to pay up everything that is mine (which I can’t) since our debt is on his equity line. Not to mention that when I moved back in with him I sold all my furniture (it was old and worn) so I would have no bed, couch, etc. We bought a brand new refrigerator together for the new house, so I suspect he’d want me to pay up for that as well.
I know it sounds like I see the end of the relationship as an inevitability, but I don’t. I love him, and I know he loves me. I just feel like I’m second guessing myself so much these days while his “confidence” goes through the roof. I’ve also noticed that it seems like he is so quick to point out the negative, while not even giving credit for the positive which is wearing me down.
So, how do I approach this with him? We are both pretty stubborn and get offended easily. And, I tend to lose track of my thought process in an emotional conversation. Any ideas would be helpful. Thanks!
The next day his attitude was completely different. He was very sad and humbled and was willing to own his part in the problems we were having. He cried all day long and apologized for everything. I told him that I never said anything about our relationship being over, just that I was going to continue to move forward in my life or I would surely become depressed and resentful. I told him to get his together, find a job, get back on the anti-depressants, and start being positive again. And, true to his word he spent almost every day applying for jobs, he got back on the meds, and was more motivated. He also was treating me as though I was special to him, like he was glad to be with me. By the time I found a house, did the deal and closed (Oct.1) we were doing pretty well. He found a good job and started being more positive about us.
Now we’ve been living in the new house for almost a month. He’s been at his job for just over that. And, I’m starting to notice (over the past couple of weeks) that his attitude is changing again. He’s become kind of self righteous and condescending. He also seems to have lifestyle interests since he’s been working with new people – like wanting to go out on the weekends to the bar with friends. All of a sudden he’s telling me that something’s going to have to give regarding our work schedules if this relationship is going to work. I work long weekend hours and he works during the week so we don’t get a lot of time together. But, this isn’t permanent. I work weekends so I have time during the week to study for school. Since we moved I’ve been spending most of my time off trying to get things settled in the new house (fixing little things here and there). I feel like I’m the only one doing this. I’ve asked for his input several times about paint colors or decorating ideas or where to put things and I get the response “It’s your house.” My response to that is always, “It’s our home.” It feels like there is a lot of me/you, mine/ yours and little we/us. When we lived at his house I often felt like I was walking on eggshells because it was his house, not mine. I don’t want that to be the case in this home. I want us to be together on things. I know we’re all going through lots of adjustment right now, but this is a time when I should feel excited about the prospects of the future for all of us, and I feel so down and alone and I don’t know what went wrong. I’ve asked for his help because I feel really depressed, and I’m seeing my doctor next week, but I’m starting to worry that I may not be the right person for him with the obligations and life that I have. It’s like he’s becoming a different person and that person doesn’t coincide with what our shared goals were. To make matters worse, the situation we’re currently in is quite complicated because my friend is moving here in December and will be renting his house. We also have some debt together and if things were to end he would likely want me to pay up everything that is mine (which I can’t) since our debt is on his equity line. Not to mention that when I moved back in with him I sold all my furniture (it was old and worn) so I would have no bed, couch, etc. We bought a brand new refrigerator together for the new house, so I suspect he’d want me to pay up for that as well.
I know it sounds like I see the end of the relationship as an inevitability, but I don’t. I love him, and I know he loves me. I just feel like I’m second guessing myself so much these days while his “confidence” goes through the roof. I’ve also noticed that it seems like he is so quick to point out the negative, while not even giving credit for the positive which is wearing me down.
So, how do I approach this with him? We are both pretty stubborn and get offended easily. And, I tend to lose track of my thought process in an emotional conversation. Any ideas would be helpful. Thanks!