Please help, I'm having a hard time with my husband, we have been living in different countries for a while now (almost a year) I have recently found out that he has had a lover there, we have been married for about 2 years, we have spoken about the affair and I have made it really clear how hurt and betrayed I feel. I have asked him why he has done it and he says he doesn't know, he says that its probably because he feels alone that I am not around, and that reality is that men do cheat, he says that it doesn't mean anything that its only about the sex, he says that in reality men are dogs and that when they get horny it just happens without them even thinking about it. He says he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me he says I'm his wife and that he will never leave me for nothing or anyone. He realizes what he has done is wrong and that he will try to make me happy but he wants to be realistic that the truth of the matter is that he doesn't know if it will happen again. But he says that if by any case it does he will tell me truthfully. He says that he wants to be truthfully no matter what, that its just simply sex. While I'm writing this I'm getting more and more confused, can a man really love his wife but have passionate moments with another? And its not like I never gave him sex and we were together I think I gave him more than he can keep up with but I'm confused he wants me to wait for him but yet he wants me to be understanding that its just needs :confused: I want to save my marriage but I'm feeling a little devalued (is that a word?) I'm feeling like I'm being played with... anyone any suggestions??

First off all, I'm very sorry you are going through this. Getting cheated on is one the most hurtfull things a person can experience and your feelings of being betrayed and confused are very normal. Also, no, this is NOT something men just do because they are horny. Women get horny too. No man or woman can hide behind the excuse that they have no control over their actions under nornal circumstances. His circumstances, although he lives far from you, are still very normal in that he has full capacity to think and reason and make sound decisions. He chooses to cheat, it doesn't just happen on its own.

You have three choices:

1-Leave him. He does not seem to feel any remorse and even suggests he will do it again. If his behavior hurts you, leave him. (This is what most people would do).

2-Accept it. He has told you flat out that there is a good chance he will do it again. If you want to keep being married to him, you would have to simply accept this.

3-Have an open marriage. If he can't control his needs, why should you have to. Tell him that if he is going to satisfy his need to have sex with someone else, you will do the same. What's good for him is good for you. If he can't exercise self-control, why should you have to?

Good luck.

Not to excuse his bad behavior, but being apart for that long, and that far, is a disaster waiting to happen.