Hello,

I have been struggling with this issue for 7 years now. My husband and I have been together for 7, married for 3 of those years. We have one child together ( 2 year old ) and my 9 yr old son from previous marriage.

After we were married a short time, my husband told me that when he was 19 years old and in college he allowed a college professor to "go down on him" . He claimed the professor was bisexual and "bet" my husband that he would enjoy it. My husband agreed and claims it lasted less than a minute and he told the other man to stop. He claims he remained friends with this man but nothing ever happened. He then told me that years later when he was in his 30's he was out with a guy friend drinking and they went back to his place. He stayed over because he was too drunk to drive home and ended up laying on the futon together. He claims his friend put on porn and started to masturbate and then my husband did too. He states they never touched each other.

He also told me that he has gone to gay bars over the years to "listen to the disco music and hang out". HE claims guys have hit on him but nothing ever happened. He feels he is very liberal and open minded and has gay friends and has no problem being around gay men.

Our relationship has been rocky from the start. He is constantly back and forth dealing with "committment" issues. Currently we are separated and he tells me he loves me and misses me but needs time to himself. He was very affectionate in the beginning of our relatinship but he was also drinking a lot then. Now that he is sober he is on antidepressants and has a problem keeping an erection. Although we are separated, he will come to visit me and the kids and he knows I am still attracted to him and love him and I am willing to have sex... however, many times he stays up watching TV all night or comes to bed and give me a peck kiss goodnight and rolls over and goes to sleep. Mind you, because we are separated we do not see each other very often, one would think he would want to hve sex.

I don't know what to think at this point, all of my friends and even my therapist think he's bi and is depressed and commitment phobic because he is living in the closet. They also think he drank to run away from the truth...

Any thoughts?

I just read your post to one of my friends who found out after 7 years of marriage to her college sweetheart that he is gay. They divorced. He "manned up" and told her - supposedly before pursuing any relationships with men.

She said, "Tell her to go get tested, file for divorce and move on."

Another impression I had was that I cannot imagine even the most liberal of straight guys I know letting a guy "go down" on him - on a bet or otherwise. Not for any amount of money. Not for any reason unless it was literal rape.

My friend has also told me a ton of times that she wishes she would have listed to her "nagging little voice" in the back of her mind all along. It was there - she just ignored it.

YA I agree it definitely sounds like he is gay. Its time for you both to sit down and talk get it all out on the table, don't over act don't cry just listen to what is being said, then think of how you want things to change. Make a list of things so you don't miss anyting and same for him. Iam sure you love one another and if you talk cool calm and collected the answer to some of your problems may be starring you in the face..
Be good to yourself and I wish you the very best of luck

Not sure what your husband is, and don't think its relevant, but do know there are many issues that are keeping you from being happy.

Your separated, and not living together, and obviously going in different directions, so let this relationship go, and stop expecting things to work.


Our relationship has been rocky from the start. He is constantly back and forth dealing with "committment" issues.

Sorry, for whatever reason, he isn't willing to work with you, so its time to cut your losses, and heal, so you can move ahead, and be healthy, and
Find your own happiness.

After 33 years of marriage my husband came to me in tears and said he was having sex with men. We had always had a good sex life 3 to 4 times per week, until 9 months before his outing.. he had "prostate' problems and I didn't want to "push" it so I backed off on my desire for sex with him. I now know that the last year + of our marriage he was having sexual relations with men. Where I thought I was being a supportive wife, he was dissing me with my wants and desires, and focusing on his desires towards men. He had the nerve to tell me I didn't understand, yet he never shared any of his conflict with me while we were married. He had my total love, honor and respect while we were married but could not share this secret with me?? It is not as though we did not live in a progressive community. A big ten university was less than 5 miles from our home. We would often take our children to it's campus to enjoy the cultural activities it offered. Gay and lesbian issues were not hidden from our sight or accessibility. He could have came out when we lived in married housing, or when our children were young, but he decided to wait until both his parents had passed to tell us he was gay. He was angry that we didn't understand him, even though I had spent 20 years building his practice/career at the expsense of my own. He was angry that friends didn't acknowlege the new person he was after he torn apart his family . Yes we are divorced, yes our grown children are having a difficult time with their fathers decision and yes I don't know what kind of relationship I will ever be able to recover with him. He was my life ,he was my love , he was the father of my children for 33 years. I planned on getting old with him, being grandma and grandpa with him, and he has taken it away. Am I angry , yes, am I lost , yes, do I know what my future holds, no. But I am whole.

I have since Had sexual relations with 2 men, who both thought I was very desirable. Well, 5ft 81/2 " and 140 lbs. I have complemented on how fit I am and how great I look for 53 yrs old. Perhaps I never fulfilled my husbands needs... it would have been nice to know this, to know he was bisexual/gay perhaps my elf esteem would not have suffered. Perhaps he could he have been happier 20 years ago if he would have shared this and I could have had a life to retire to instead of picking up the pieces that have beeen given me.

Closed