Turambar
Oct 17, 2008, 11:58 AM
Hello everyone. I wanted to re-introduce myself since I had to open a new account (forgot my password and for some reason couldn't get it sent to the address I provided).
My original post which was closed is here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-should-do-212400.html.
I have a bit of an update and hopefully my story can help some people, I had every intention of sticking around and being as much help to new people as many members were to me when I first had my problem. Unfortunately I couldn't bring myself to do it until now, I just hadn't arrived at a place that I felt comfortable in giving advice.
At any rate, my ex-GF and I work together - which had made things difficult for me. When I suggested in my earlier post that the problem had been solved, I truly believed that. I made a mistake in telling her about the help I was getting here and she subsequently found the post. She asked me not to write anymore and asked me to have it removed as she didn't feel comfortable with the possibility of someone recognizing us in the details of the post. So I did as we were trying to retain our friendship and I didn't want that between us.
Well it went OK for a little while. We stopped taking the train to work together, but still stayed in contact a bit via text, phone and IM. Now we were best friends before we started dating and I had thought we were moving back towards that after the relationship ended and things cooled down. I couldn't help but notice the distance she kept herself at though and she seemed much colder to me than before.
I wrote her a letter telling her that I felt that the person who was my best friend didn't exist anymore and that a cold-hearted person had taken her place. That really set her off, we rode the train home two days after that and she eventually told me that I had hurt her badly with the letter and that she couldn't stop being mad about it. Since that time we have taken several 2-3 week breaks from contacting each other, but the last time we talked (on her birthday) it seemed like she was really ready to try to start our friendship again. Funny thing though - she still would rarely answer my texts, emails and phone calls and she never initiated contact. Finally I couldn't take that anymore and told her that was unacceptable behavior if she really wanted to be friends.
She told me she was still mad about the letter I wrote even after 3 months (I have read it a hundred times and can't see what was so bad - I basically just told her that she was hurting me by acting coldly) . I finally had enough and said I felt she was just making excuses and just to tell me if she didn't want even a friendship with me. She said she promised she was not just making an excuse - she really was mad and just needed more time to get over it.
Well that was when I REALLY got serious about NC. This time I started it for my sanity and well being, NOT to try to get a response from her (I have finally accepted that I will never get one anyway) but to move on with my life. Guess what? It seems to be working better this time. I started hanging out with my friends, working out and writing again. I still see her at work, but for some reason, now it doesn't make me sad or think about wanting her back in my life.
I wish I would have listened from the start, but I know that I feel better after 8 days of NC this time than I did for the various 2-3 week periods I tried it before. I think it is because I am doing it for the right reasons this time, maybe because I am not looking at it as temporary NC this time.
I hope that learning this lesson the hard way will make it easier for me to go NC if/when the next break up happens. Even more so, I hope that someone else might learn the easier way that there is no cure but time after a break up. That getting back together - even as friends - is not going to happen until you put down the baggage, unpack, sort it and see what, if anything, is worth salvaging. I should have learned from the past that what you usually find is that you brought home some nice souvenirs, but some worthless junk too. :) The hard part is deciding which is which.
My original post which was closed is here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-should-do-212400.html.
I have a bit of an update and hopefully my story can help some people, I had every intention of sticking around and being as much help to new people as many members were to me when I first had my problem. Unfortunately I couldn't bring myself to do it until now, I just hadn't arrived at a place that I felt comfortable in giving advice.
At any rate, my ex-GF and I work together - which had made things difficult for me. When I suggested in my earlier post that the problem had been solved, I truly believed that. I made a mistake in telling her about the help I was getting here and she subsequently found the post. She asked me not to write anymore and asked me to have it removed as she didn't feel comfortable with the possibility of someone recognizing us in the details of the post. So I did as we were trying to retain our friendship and I didn't want that between us.
Well it went OK for a little while. We stopped taking the train to work together, but still stayed in contact a bit via text, phone and IM. Now we were best friends before we started dating and I had thought we were moving back towards that after the relationship ended and things cooled down. I couldn't help but notice the distance she kept herself at though and she seemed much colder to me than before.
I wrote her a letter telling her that I felt that the person who was my best friend didn't exist anymore and that a cold-hearted person had taken her place. That really set her off, we rode the train home two days after that and she eventually told me that I had hurt her badly with the letter and that she couldn't stop being mad about it. Since that time we have taken several 2-3 week breaks from contacting each other, but the last time we talked (on her birthday) it seemed like she was really ready to try to start our friendship again. Funny thing though - she still would rarely answer my texts, emails and phone calls and she never initiated contact. Finally I couldn't take that anymore and told her that was unacceptable behavior if she really wanted to be friends.
She told me she was still mad about the letter I wrote even after 3 months (I have read it a hundred times and can't see what was so bad - I basically just told her that she was hurting me by acting coldly) . I finally had enough and said I felt she was just making excuses and just to tell me if she didn't want even a friendship with me. She said she promised she was not just making an excuse - she really was mad and just needed more time to get over it.
Well that was when I REALLY got serious about NC. This time I started it for my sanity and well being, NOT to try to get a response from her (I have finally accepted that I will never get one anyway) but to move on with my life. Guess what? It seems to be working better this time. I started hanging out with my friends, working out and writing again. I still see her at work, but for some reason, now it doesn't make me sad or think about wanting her back in my life.
I wish I would have listened from the start, but I know that I feel better after 8 days of NC this time than I did for the various 2-3 week periods I tried it before. I think it is because I am doing it for the right reasons this time, maybe because I am not looking at it as temporary NC this time.
I hope that learning this lesson the hard way will make it easier for me to go NC if/when the next break up happens. Even more so, I hope that someone else might learn the easier way that there is no cure but time after a break up. That getting back together - even as friends - is not going to happen until you put down the baggage, unpack, sort it and see what, if anything, is worth salvaging. I should have learned from the past that what you usually find is that you brought home some nice souvenirs, but some worthless junk too. :) The hard part is deciding which is which.