And my girlfriend of 11 months recently broke up. She was my first true love. My problem is, I don't know how I should handle this breakup. We broke up today... and I'm just wishing I could rewind time and fix all the things I know that led to this breakup. Things were very complicated between us, and it would mean a lot to me if you guys/girls read this whole thing and gave me your opinion.


We've been together for nearly a year. I met her through a friend. I was 18, she was 15. The age thing was very complicated. I never saw myself with someone that young, but she defied everything and I really wanted to be with her. She was so mature for her age. I'm a different type of person... I'd say I'm open minded, and like to learn new things and think outside the box. I care a lot about other people. My friends are made up of caring, down to earth people. But my point is, that I'm not the typical guy, and I made sure my friend weren't either. I didn't get caught up on the high school life.

When I met her, we immediately clicked. She was the girl I've been waiting out. We laughed at the dumbest things. We were able to appreciate the simple moments, and we didn't need the typical dates. We talked about our problems easily (we've has somewhat of a troubling past), knowing that both sides could provide support. In a nutshell, she was the only girl that not only could I feel comfortable with, but that I also meshed with. It was the same for her.

She was in private school at the time, still is. I just got out of high school. I had a part-time job, and she didn't. I have since been working with my dad (past 6 months) on the weekends, and quit my other part-time job. We spent a lot of time together. Ever since we've been together, she would spend on average, 3-4 days a week at my house, and she would sleep over. We were almost like a married couple, but without the commitments.

My mom would always make us food, and when she didn't, my girlfriend would always go the distance, making me food most of the time. When I was finshed eating, she would not let me put away my own food. She was a total sweetheart. She care about my physically and emotionally.

My problem was that I got comfortable. Before the relationship, I had everything. I had great friends, my family was getting a lot better, my future was very clear, occupation-wise. I was confident and happy. I felt that all I needed was a great girl. Perfect timing too. She walked in when my life was really good (my past was riddled with anxiety, saw a psychiatrist, changed me for the better).

Also, her mom and I weren't good to each other also. My girlfriend and my parents were great though. I think sometimes I was too overcaring. I let my girlfriend know that. But the first half, I tried to get her past eating bad, tried to get her to exercise, tried to get her to appreciate her family, etc. These were her only bad qualities. At the time, I thought that I was caring for her. I knew she would initially not take to my suggestions well, but I thought it would help her a lot in the long run. Months go by, after arguments and a lot of stress between us, I finally got the hint, so I laid off. In reality, I loved her, and I backed off because I cared about her. I put myself in her mom's place, and I realized everything. Her mom didn't like me because I was controlling. At first I thought it was rubbish. All I saw was that I thought I was doing good for her. I was being somewhat of a parent. She understood much later, that although that was somewhat true, I did it out of love. I didn't want to see her eat unhealthy, play videogames all day, and yell at her parents. As for food, I'm not talking about a diet or vegetables, I'm talking about not eating fast food all the time. I also told her that I partied for a year straight, every week, and all the negatives were not worth it... that there were better ways to have fun than getting drunk with your friends.

All the things I said to her were just strong suggestions. Of course I got a little ticked when she didn't understand. She took it as me being controlling, my argument was that I was looking out for her, and that I was just offering strong suggestions.

But she was a total sweetheart. She trusted me and for the most part, tried to follow what I was saying. I was blindly believing that I was loving her. I listened to her when she needed someone to talk to, and I understood her. I spent quality time, along with money, on gifts like birthdays presents, Valentine's, etc. I occasional got us food. I gave her an escape from the chaos at her house, we spent time at my house mostly. But I only did the bare minimum... she went the distance.

The later half of the relationship, the frequent arguments began. The basis was that she felt I didn't care about her. I told her I did. She said she doesn't believe me because I didn't show it. And those arguments went on, affecting our lives negatively, until she broke up with me 2 months ago. 3 hours later, she calls me back, crying, wanting me back. I took her back, and told her things would get better. I got comfortable again, she didn't feel loved, and so she broke up with me again 2 weeks later (keep in mind that before all this, the last half of our relationship, it was filled with "I'm gonig to break up with you" threats). This time it took her the whole day, and she called me back, weeping, saying she was sorry for breaking up, and would try anything to win me back. I told her I would try hard to change and show her that I loved her, like in the beginning of the relationship when things were good.

Again, I got into comfortable mode again. 2 weeks later, she broke up with me for good. I was devastated, and didn't get any sleep. I spent the night talking with friends, my mom, getting their unbiased opinions, telling them everything. The majority of the answers were to give her time, and to change, and to show her that I changed. They felt that we were meant to be by seeing us together. I felt the same. I didn't give up.

The next day, in the morning, I bought donuts for her family and her, and bought her pizza. She woke up, and although she was very persistent, I told her I truly realized my mistakes. I broke down in front of her mom. I told her and her mom that I didn't treat her right. I told her mom that all her attacks on me in the past were valid. I told her that I realized the mistakes. I truly did love her, but I got too comfortable and went away from what I did for her in the past. I only did the bare minimum, and made excuses for it. I told her I understood that she did all she could.

So we were good for the last 2 weeks. I was changing for the better, and she admitted it. I tried so hard that I became unhappy. The only thing on my mind was to make things better, I felt like a zombie. I went out of my way to do her things. I was more creative in plans to take her out. I made it a point to not just to microwave her food. I made her sandwiches and eggs etc. I did what she always wanted me to do: take interest in what she likes, and that includes stuff like anime and video games. I watched movies with her more frequently. I made an effort to show her that she was more important than my friends. And another key was t hat when I had outside stuff affecting me, I didn't vent to her, or let it affect anything else. I used to be immature. When something bad to me, anything she did that was perceived as negative, I went off on her. I fixed that.

Again, the past 2 weeks were really good, It was refreshing. There were barely any arguments. But the past few days, I decided I couldn't take it. I did nearly everything for her. I visited many websites on relationships, asked my mom and friends, everything. And I acted on it. I tried to be as sweet as possible. But she still said I didn't care as much as I could. She said I was better, but not as good as I could do. And she kept on telling me it. I didn't understand, and she couldn't back herself up, or explain why. I think it's because I didn't show my love for her enough, which took about half a year. I still think it's amazing what she did for me, when I didn't do much for her, in that amount of time.

I think what officially ended it was that I didn't have the patience for her to get over all the arguments and stress of the past. I'm still changing... it would really help out my life. But we definitely had something, and she said so too. It was huge. We were just really comfortable with each other, and we understood each other for the most part. I think our simple lifestyle really helped.

Also, something else that really bothered me today was that when we broke up, she was angry, I think to the point of hate. She gave me all the stuff I gave her back. She never did that in the past breakups. She also gave me back the promise ring that I gave her... first time. And she slammed my car door when I dropped her off. The whole time I tried to be as much of a gentlemen as possible. I didn't talk back all hot when she yelled. I helped her load her bags... and tried to help her unload. I just really don't like how everything ended... I'm very hurt that she gave me back the ring.

I understand that if we ever get back together, we need time apart, and time apart to fix ourselves and straighten out our lives. I think I'm bothered by the ring thing because inside, I really want her back, because it's not true that I never wanted to be with her again, like I told her when we just broke up. I told her that since it was such an emotional relationship, that we shouldn't ever get back together in the future, and how people getting back together almost never works out.



Basically, I think that if we both work out what we need to work out, we would be a great couple. We had great chemistry. I wish I could rewind time, but all I can do is to keep changing, to realize things more, and to not get comfortable. I don't know if this is the final straw with her. Best case scenario is that she cools off, and starts to realize the good times in the relationship, and that even though I started taking her out less/paid less attention to her, I still talked to her and helped her out with life, give confidence for her and raised her self-esteem, things that I felt hooked her to me in the first place.

But again, something is bothering me a lot with how things ended. She seemed truly, truly hurt by me for the first time, and I'm so confused. Things were going pretty good too. I dropped her off knowing that something wasn't right. I also forgot to say, yesterday and today, she admitted that maybe nothing, at least recently, would ever please her, and that she needed to try to appreciate what she's got more. And that she knows I'm changning. Now I'm mad because that was sorted out, but I decided to be bitter, and rag on her for never be pleased no matter how much I change.


I wish I knew what she is thinking right now. It's been about 4 hours since we broke up. This is probably the longest post on this forum ever, but I felt I needed to include all those details. I'd appreciate any comment I get. I honestly felt like I had the right girl, and I don't think I'd sway from that thought anytime soon. I'll gladly answer any questions/and add more details to make the situation more clear, thanks.

She is the one who is changing, and growing, at this point in life, so you must step back, and let her.

The main problem, as I see it, is you connected with a person who was not as developed emotionally, and maturely, as you think, and that's so normal given her age. Its called growing up, so don't be so hard on someone who is just finding out about themselves and dealing with new feelings that are emerging..

Back away, as your feelings are fresh and right where they hurt the most, and let her grow, and allow yourself to grow, as its not about you, but her, figuring herself out, and for that reason she simply is not ready to see things as long term as you are.

You must let her grow, and learn, at her own pace.

Your both attached very closely, and time will get you unattached, so you can live your own life, and let you both develop as young adults.

I definitely think that I should have left her alone. I wasn't enjoying anything anymore anyway. Stuff like hanging with friends, work, I'd be plagued with either missing her, or stressing from arguments. I was a lot better off, had things going for me until she walked into my life.

But I realize I'm the most important one here, she's not worth worrying about. We both need to move on.

Seeing her flirt with some guy on myspace, wanting to hang with him and kiss and cuddle, not even a day after we broke up, made it easier.

She has/had baggage. From day one, I made sure there was an understanding. I told her to not waste eachothers time if she still wanted to experience high school and partying, and to not hold me around because she has always wanted a real boyfriend, and someone to care and understand her.

I feel like I've been used, and all the stereotypes about most girls (true for guys too), I finally believe. All your hard work will go for nothing, they can leave you for another guy just like that.

And I realize I have a straight mind right now. I have a feeling she's going to realize that I was better off for her, that she took me for granted. She's being a tool right now. She's a good girl with good morals, yet it was so easy for her to fall for the guy that's flirting with her right now. She's being a tool, yet she doesn't realize it. My opinion is that she's reexperiencing the feeling of having someone you secretly like, *like* you back.

She told me a few weeks prior that she wanted (before she met me, which I still think is bs) someone to take more risks, a badboy that cares at the same time. She's trying to live a fantasy, and my parents and friends agreed.

I would say I'm a good guy. Sometimes I get comfortable, but I've always wanted to treat my family and friends with respect. I don't want to take them for granted, I realize what they did for me, and what they can. Same thing with my ex.I'm the type of person when no matter how much of a stranger you are, I'm the person to talk to if you need help, physically or mentally. I like to have fun, but I also like to thing that I live life smart.

I used to party twice a week, smoke, and drive like an idiot. It took a near death car wreck, an addiction that affected me physically, and some police raids at parties, deaths from drinking and driving, fights at parties for me to realize everything. It was something my ex didn't understand, she wanted me to go back to that stuff (not including smoking).

I think I'm too ahead of her maturely, I'm not trying to boast. It's sad to say, but age difference really did kill the relationship, more so experience. Even if she did realize everything and wanted me back, nothing will ever erase the past. And I finally understand why people never make it when they break up for the first time. We will fix things, become more mature, but what happened happened. And it's foolish to think that things will be happily ever after, even though it real easy, and it feels good to think that way.


More comments will definitely be appreciated. I've had friends that I view highly of, tell me that I'm better off without her. My parents think the same. Even you guys/gals tell me I should just leave her. The only person right now that thinks I should be back with her is Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll is saying I'm weak and stupid for wanting things to work again.

I'm going to try hard to think of myself first, and realize that even if she wants a guy that will be no good for her, and the lifestyle she wants to try is no good either, it's what she truly wants right now. I told her what I thought, and that's enough. I have to enjoy life without her, and move on.

She can't contact me through myspace because she deleted me, but I'm not accepting a potential add, and I blocked non-friends. We both needed to move on, so I deleted her contacts and records for good. If she really needed me for something very serious, she knows how to get to me, and I'll be human enough to care and help her. I just want my life back.

Right now I'm thinking of selling the stuff I bought her that she gave back, but what about the promise ring? I spent $300 on it, foolishly so. I was young, stupid, and in love..

More insight into this can only be helpful, thanks.

This is just my opinion, but it sounds to me like maybe she wasn't very close to her family. I think she was depending too much on you to give her all the love that she needs when she should have been looking to her family at the same time, instead of yelling at them. I could be way off base here but that was my initial thought after reading your post.

I would also like to add that it sounded like you were going above and beyond toward the end of the relationship, and to try that hard to make it work would but a real strain on you. Trying is one thing, but it sounds like you were trying too hard.

I think your responses are pretty valid. That's also what I initially was worried about in the first few months. Then I forgot as love took over, then when we broke up, I had that feeling. I think it finally set in the last couple months. She finally started communicating with her mom and started siding against me with her. Her 18 year old sister also moved back in, they started talking, and my ex realized that she had more in common with her sister than she originally though... which was bad news. Her sister and her boyfriend (21), are smart, but they don't have anything going for them. They smoke weed, to the point of needing it, and they are fine with a part time job. They have no goals.

But anyway I was ranting. What I was getting at, was at the same time she started distancing herself, she also got tighter with her family, which was what I was trying to help her with the whole time. Maybe things really weren't meant to be, and she used me without realizing it.


And you're also right in your second post. I was an insomniac for 2 weeks not too long ago, that wasn't any fun. But I really did need to change. Before I met her, I had my career in sight, I was climbing the ladder. I was set. My family bonds were getting tighter, my friends were kept close, I was exercising and was in great shape, I loved life, I had a fast car that I mostly earned with my savings and part time job.

And then I met her. I got comfortable, felt like I had everything. My career progress halted, I started flaking on friends, I mostly stopped exercising and doing activities I once loved, stopped visiting my relatives... and when I did get the time to go back to the old, I could enjoy myself because we got too close. And all the arguments towards the end was taking a toll.

I feel that even if I could rewind time, and show her the attention that I shyed away from, fin the little things, things still wouldn't work out. The age difference really killed things, everyone is right when she wants to experience the teenager stuff, and nothing is going to change her mind.

Yeah, I wouldn't stop doing all the things you love to do to be with someone. Those things are what make you, well... you. I can see maybe setting aside time for them but not completely giving up the things you love.

The good news is you can look forward, and do whatever you want, and not have to look over your shoulder.

Sell anything you have of this experience, and buy something for yourself, and make this the first day of the rest of your life.

Sometimes we have to hurt to learn, the first time. Your not alone though buddy, as we all have been down that road at least once.

I definetely don't regret this relationship, I'm going to take it and learn from it. You're right, it's just a step to make me stronger.

You've written a lot to read here! You're both young; she younger than you emotionally and on a maturity level as you say. I can see that from reading what you've written.
I would occupy your time, leave her alone and don't hastily sell everything off... wait a bit. Thre is a fine line between love and hate and it sounds like she's venting now but in time she may miss you and should you get back together you'll be glad you held on to the stuff for now.
Not saying you'll get back together; don't bank on that... just go live your life, do things you like to do and if you can't sleep at night there's an over the counter herbal stuff called Melatonin that might help you settle down and get that sleep you need.
First loves are hard to get over so give yourself time and please leave her alone... she's got some growing to do and if it's meant to be... it'll be.
Evaluate yourself and what you really want in a relationship during these quiet moments you'll have to yourself.

I've got one more question. We used to do this thing where we shared passwords so we could randomly go on to post love notes on myspace or something. Well, yesterday I was really curious and decided to check up on it (I decided to check up on it only once, I don't want to drive myself insane, and it's not right). Maybe it was both good and bad. She was talking to some guy that she knew before from school. They flirted somewhat before I met her, and she liked him before.

They were both talking about kissing, and "other stuff", saying how they need a private room to do it, and saying how much they want to see each other. From the tone of the back and forth comments and messages, it seems like she is desperate for another guy, and that he is desperate to hookup. My ex looked like a tool. They scheduled to hangout late at night not even a day after we broke up. I know for a fact though, that they haven't been talking during our relationship, and they never hooked up.

It doesn't make sense, and it hurts. I'm pretty sure she loved me, just like I loved here. We both went above and beyond. I know that I started hurting her a couple months before we broke up, and she started not having any fun, but how could she already want to see another and want to do stuff with him? I could not do that right away, no matter how many girls tapped on my door. And can the guy not see how bad the situation is? She just got out of a 11 month relationship. Same for her. Is she so immature that she doesn't realize she could end up hurting him, or is she truly over me already? Even the last few weeks, she showed she still loved me. We had that bond still. Maybe she was so over it and all of the past that she could get over love just like that?

I'm so confused. I talked to all of my friends, my family, and half said that maybe she was being immature and trying to make me jealous, the other half said she was trying to rebound, or maybe she was truly over me.