Do you (married people) think you could marry someone you are physically not attracted to at all.

Thank you

Personally, no.

I think so. Beauty fades.I've gone out with guys that other people found unattractive but beauty is in the eye of the beholer. However, if the person can't get past the way they look then they shouldn't marry let alone be with that person.

Marriage is hard work. When you marry someone you should already have a solid relationship so if you can't go beyond their looks, don't marry them.

I think a lot of being attracted to someone is chemistry.. the person doesn't have to be good looking to have it. You just "feel" the attraction.

Absolutely NOT!!

While dating, probably not.

To answer your question, no, but I've been in a situation where I was not attracted to the guy at the beginning but I agreed to go out on a date with him and we actually hit it off. Beauty is only skin deep. I've never been with anyone because of how they looked- it's always been personality to me and to me it was like his looks grew on me... if that makes any sense at all

When I first started daing my boyfriend of 2.5 years, I wasn't at all attracted to how he looked. Now, I think he is the most gorgeous person that walks this planet. Why? Because I grew to love the person inside which then made his looks 1 million times better.

I would just like to say that attraction is relative. You can be a very attractive person on the outside, but if you are ugly on the inside, the ugly seeps out!

The same the other way around. A person may not be attractive to you on the outside, but if the inside is beautiful and attractive, it shines right through!

The "skin deep" theory really is true!

Do you (married people) think you could marry someone you are physically not attracted to at all.



If after dating and getting to know each other your not physically attracted to them, what the heck would you be considering marrying them for??

Don't you think that you could be emotionally attracted though Tal? Does the outside appearance always mean so much?

Does the outside appearance always mean so much?
Physical attraction, has nothing to do with looks, in my view.

Of course you can be emotionally attracted, but building a marriage, just takes the whole package, for me.

Emotional attractions sound like friends, and that's cool to, but a life commitment??

It comes down to personal preference. What works for you.

Do you (married people) think you could marry someone you are physically not attracted to at all.

Thank you



Marry, no? Date, yes. All sorts of things play into physical attraction but, no, I absolutely could not marry (which would involve sharing a bed) a man I had no attraction to.

I guess it does come down to personal preference, but I was just thinking. Say you husband, wife, partner, was physically attractive to you, and then was somehow disfigured in some way. Would that lessen the attraction and end the relationship? Just curious what people think of that? I know it's hard to imagine if you have never been in that situation, but interesting to hear what people "think" they might do.

... Oh Tal, what I guess I meant by saying an emotional attraction, I meant an inner attraction. I can't think of the words right now to describe what I mean, but I think you'll get what it is that I'm trying to communicate.

I guess it does come down to personal preference, but I was just thinking. Say you husband, wife, partner, was physically attractive to you, and then was somehow disfigured in some way. Would that lessen the attraction and end the relationship? Just curious what people think of that? I know it's hard to imagine if you have never been in that situation, but interesting to hear what people "think" they might do.


I think that physical appearance and physical attraction are two different things.

I've dated men who were drop dead gorgeous but I was not physically attracted to them.

I've also dated men who were so-so physically attractive but the chemistry was definitely there.

I don't think the two are related.

That's true Judy. I guess I thought we were talking more about outer appearance. The first thing that came to mind when I thought of "physical attraction" was the hot girl with the great legs, or the smokin guy with the great abs. But if we are talking about physical attraction, in the sense of connection between two people, then I agree that there would be no reason to marry that person. But of course you see all of the time where young hottie marry the old geezers, but that is usually a money issue! ;)

That's true Judy. I guess I thought we were talking more about outer appearance. The first thing that came to mind when I thought of "physical attraction" was the hot girl with the great legs, or the smokin guy with the great abs. But if we are talking about physical attraction, in the sense of connection between two people, then I agree that there would be no reason to marry that person. But of course you see all of the time where young hottie marry the old geezers, but that is usually a money issue!! ;)



Well, I know short men are a lot taller when they're standing on their wallets.

And then was somehow disfigured in some way. Would that lessen the attraction and end the relationship?

Just me, NO!! I rather like what I have and the best way to explain it is , it's a physically, spiritual connection. We are both old enough to appreciate it.

I don't see how you could marry someone that you just aren't attracted to. The first time I met my husband I thought "OMG, that man is beautiful!" Then the first time I spoke to him I thought "OMG, this man is brilliant and intellectual" Then the first time I hung out with him I though "OMG, he is so funny" then the first time I kissed him I thought "OMG, amazing" then the first time we had sex I though "OMG". If you can't have that total package... that OMG moment to everything that is amazing about that other person... then why get married?

Without one, what's the other?

OMG... I so like know what you mean! Like OMG... like I wouldn't know what to do if I like didn't have the entire package! Like OMG... I like wouldn't accept anything less... like OMG... I don't care if I pass up someone who may have a few flaws... like OMG, why would anyone want to pay any attention to someone like that?. like OMG that's just crazy!

OMG....I so like know what you mean! Like OMG....like I wouldn't know what to do if I like didn't have the entire package!! Like OMG....I like wouldn't accept anything less...like OMG.....I don't care if I pass up someone who may have a few flaws.....like OMG, why would anyone want to pay any attention to someone like that?....like OMG that's just crazy!!


Like, OMG. You are so, like, right.

OMG....I so like know what you mean! Like OMG....like I wouldn't know what to do if I like didn't have the entire package!! Like OMG....I like wouldn't accept anything less...like OMG.....I don't care if I pass up someone who may have a few flaws.....like OMG, why would anyone want to pay any attention to someone like that?....like OMG that's just crazy!!



Like OMG. You are so right. Like, I don't want to have to work on a relationship. Like, OMG - the first time I met my ex-husband I said...

Oh, wait, OMG, maybe that's not a good argument.

(Like, OMG - it said it didn't post and then it did and then I rewrote it and then it posted a second time! I'm flawed!)

Like OMG... I had to spread the rep! LOL!

Well I guess in the US with well over 1/2 of marriages ending in divorce, being physcially interested seem not to be enough at this point.

But looks will never hold a marriage together, one or both get old, perhaps fat, they lose hair, get glasses, get false teeth. So that "hunk" will someday be chubby with no hair and no teeth at night when they come to bed.
So there had better be a lot more.

well I guess in the US with well over 1/2 of marriages ending in divorce, being physcially interested seem not to be enough at this point.

But looks will never hold a marriage together, one or both get old, perhaps fat, they lose hair, get glasses, get false teeth. so that "hunk" will someday be chubby with no hair and no teeth at night when they come to bed.
So there had better be alot more.



And when the OMG factor ends, you'd better be able to talk to each other - teeth or no teeth, hair or no hair - well, you get the idea.

Starby, you nailed it! I tried to rate but said I had to share the love first!! LOL

I have dated guys who were drop dead gorgeous, said all the right things, opened the car door for me, gave me gifts and would have driven me absolutely nuts if I would have married them because it was an empty package. I have dated some guys that were not cute nor handsome but were so much fun! We would have a blast together, no matter where we were. I enjoyed kissing them because I came to love them for the great person they were. However, never would have kept my interest over the long haul.
Now... I met and married my husband 38 + years ago. I knew I loved him but was not in love with him. He is and was good looking and polite and fun but was also probably 82 when he was 2 and will be 82 when he is 102, but he is always the same, not many highs or lows. I have enough of those for both of us. I meet that need in him and he meets my needs for sanity and clarity. I fell in love with him after three years of marriage. I married him because when I would try to visualize his face after he would drop me off from a date, I never could get his face in my head. I would try to visualize his eyes, his nose, his mouth... nope, didn't work. Any other guy I dated, I could have drawn their face blindfolded and nailed it. I knew I would never be bored with this guy and have not been!

It helped I am sure that I thought he was good looking and sexy, he moved sexy, touched and kissed sexy but honestly, I think it depends somewhat on the individual as to whether they could marry someone they were not physically attracted to. Many arranged marriages are healthy long lasting marriages and some people marry because they are lonely and fall in love later... some like me... are 19, the guy asks, the girl thinks she won't ever be bored so it must be a go... get married and here I am. When I look at him, in my mind's eye, I still see the strong, young man that I never could visualize in my mind. He is older than I and I have had comments about his age and it totally startles me when someone thinks he looks old. Go figure. Life is strange.

I took the long way around answering this question but I think perhaps because it intrigued me so. It made me really think back to why I made certain choices. I fell in love at 14 to a guy who was gawky and shy and didn't really come into his own until college. We broke up because he was not honest with me and that counts for so much with me. I am still in love with him, although it does not touch what I feel for my husband. He sent me a telegram (are some of you asking what is a telegram?? LOL, this was before home computers were so accessible) the day I was getting married, begging me not to marry, that he still loved me. (He should have worked a bit harder in that direction all through our college years! LOL) He is still good looking but he also has many problems and my husband meets my needs in such a beautiful way. I know I made the right choice. If you stay in tune to your heart and not base your decisions totally on the superficial, you will make the right choice also. Making love and having a committed happy marriage does not always hinge on physical attraction but I must agree with other posters that I too would need to see something attractive in the man I would marry, whether by their beautiful spirit and kindness or the things I respect about them as an individual. I do enjoy looking at a gorgeous man. I won't deny that but for marriage, one must weigh all that the person is, inside and out!!

well I guess in the US with well over 1/2 of marriages ending in divorce, being physcially interested seem not to be enough at this point.

But looks will never hold a marriage together, one or both get old, perhaps fat, they lose hair, get glasses, get false teeth. so that "hunk" will someday be chubby with no hair and no teeth at night when they come to bed.
So there had better be alot more.



And when the OMG factor ends, you'd better be able to talk to each other - teeth or no teeth, hair or no hair - well, you get the idea.

And always marry somebody you like.

You are absolutely right Judy! After a few times of getting woken up in the morning, to your husband wanting to have sex before he goes to work, and then taking that pregnancy test, and he is out celebrating while you are sitting at home doing laundry and cooking dinner. After yrs of changing smelly diapers, dealing with the teacher at school because your kid is being a brat, and only to have to miss dinner for yourself, because your husband is at work, and you have to take Jr. to soccer practice, after you have helped him with his homework, because hubby is too tired after work, and needs down time.

Missing car and mortgage pmts, because there is just not enough money, because hubby got laid off from his job. Being pissed at the hair in the shower drain and all over the soap, because he is losing it everywhere, having to remind him to go have his prostate checked, the price of his viagra, and the cost of your High BP meds, because now you aren't getting any action... lol. The OMG factor turns into 'WHAT THE HELL?? " and you had better have a solid ground to stand on, whether the guy was attractive or not when you married him!

You are absolutely right Judy! After a few times of getting woken up in the morning, to your husband wanting to have sex before he goes to work, and then taking that pregnancy test, and he is out celebrating while you are sitting at home doing laundry and cooking dinner. After yrs of changing smelly diapers, dealing with the teacher at school because your kid is being a brat, and only to have to miss dinner for yourself, because your husband is at work, and you have to take Jr. to soccer pratice, after you have helped him with his homework, because hubby is too tired after work, and needs down time.

Missing car and mortgage pmts, because there is just not enough money, because hubby got laid off from his job. Being pissed at the hair in the shower drain and all over the soap, because he is losing it everywhere, having to remind him to go have his prostate checked, the price of his viagra, and the cost of your High BP meds, because now you aren't getting any action...lol. The OMG factor turns into 'WHAT THE HELL???" and you had better have a solid ground to stand on, whether the guy was attractive or not when you married him!!

Dang, you are good Starby! What memories you ignited in my long asleep brain! LOL You are right on! That was a beautiful post! :)

Why would you care if you did pass up someone with a few flaws when you got the total package at home? Seriously.

I was just trying to show this person that everything can be amazing about one person when you are in deep enough to love them with your whole heart.

It doesn't just start perfect, it becomes perfect.

I've been with him for 7 years now and yes, he's chubby... 375 pounds... that's how he started. And yes he's intelligent, that's how he started. We have days where we just go off on these conversations for hours about nothing. We always have fun together because he's hilarious and we have the same sense of humor. If you noticed my whole post wasn't about his looks. It was about how everything he did was amazing... because he's an amazing person.

well I guess in the US with well over 1/2 of marriages ending in divorce, being physcially interested seem not to be enough at this point.

But looks will never hold a marriage together, one or both get old, perhaps fat, they lose hair, get glasses, get false teeth. so that "hunk" will someday be chubby with no hair and no teeth at night when they come to bed.
So there had better be alot more.



OMG! My plan is - if I ever date again - to only date people who are ALREADY old, fat, have no hair, wear glasses and have no teeth. That way no matter WHAT happens I won't be disappointed.

Anyway, those are probably the only people who will ask me out. Them and the married guys.

I've been with him for 7 years now and yes, he's chubby...375 pounds...that's how he started. And yes he's intelligent, that's how he started. We have days where we just go off on these conversations for hours about nothing. We always have fun together because he's hilarious and we have the same sense of humor. If you noticed my whole post wasn't about his looks. It was about how everything he did was amazing...because he's an amazing person.



I've been pondering this. He's 375 pounds and chubby? How tall is he? I thought my husband was "large and tall" but he was nowhere near 375# and several inches over 6 feet.

Or is this a typo?

No that's right. 375. But he's 6'4. Sure he's taller, but he's still chubby. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my teenager like answer. But, in a way, I guess you can say the love I have for my husband does sometimes make me gush like a teenage girl. I can't help it.

I was just trying to say that physical attraction isn't the only thing that's important. You got to have it all and when you do have it all, it's amazing.

Sorry if there was any confusion in the purpose or direction of my answer.

no that's right. 375. but he's 6'4. Sure he's taller, but he's still chubby. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my teenager like answer. But, in a way, i guess you can say the love i have for my husband does sometimes make me gush like a teenage girl. I can't help it.

I was just trying to say that physical attraction isn't the only thing that's important. You gotta have it all and when you do have it all, it's amazing.

Sorry if there was any confusion in the purpose or direction of my answer.


No, no need to apologize - we had some fun with your posting and you took it all in good stride - every now and then the board (translation: me) gets goofy.

At 6'4" he probably carries the weight well. I figured if was 5'4" there were some problems here!

Good that you found a whole package - doesn't always work out that way. And, again, thanks for taking the ribbing with good humor.

I have been getting to know him and he appears to be everything I could possibly want, a gentlemen, polite, intelligent, kind, calm, caring, generous, a family wanting man and provider etc. a man with a vision, purpose and goal. BUT I still don't really find him (physically) that attractive. I would say he is cute and has a nice smile. Other girls like him (especially because of his personality, it shines through) but he is really in love with me and wants me to be his wife.

Its just that I am thinking, what if we get married and hit turbulence? Won't I reflect back and think (ugh, I wasn't and am not even physically attracted to this guy! '

Now I am not shallow. I really like him and I am seeing how it goes as we have to get to know each other anyway. Even though I am liking him the physical attraction just peers through and is making me very careful.

I'm just saying he is not what I would normally go for that's the strange thing and the missing element making me indecisive.

I'm just saying he is not what I would normally go for that's the strange thing and the missing element making me indecisive.
You are wise to think twice about this issue, as lifetime is a very long time to deal with a missing ingredient, when you could have made the choice to be honest with yourself and him, and just be friends, and not just settle for his other qualities, good though they be.

If your having these thoughts now, think of years down the road, when there are kids, and a mortgage involved. Will you still be happy with no attraction to your partner??

Not to be personal, but do you have intimacy now?? (SEX? )

We do not have intimacy at all I do not believe in that before marriage and it's a good thing.

Sometimes I really miss him and try to imagine if sexually we could be compatible in marriage because his physique is one of the things Im talking about.

Then when I see him it changes and I just don't know. Even when I am with him there's just this feeling that contradicts any feeling for marriage so I told him to just give me time and stop buying me stuff but he can't seem to want to stop himself.

We do not have intimacy at all I do not believe in that before marriage and its a good thing.

Sometimes I really miss him and try to imagine if sexually we could be compatible in marriage because his physique is one of the things Im talking about.

Then when I see him it changes and I just don't know. Even when I am with him theres just this feeling that contradicts any feeling for marriage so I told him to just give me time and stop buying me stuff but he can't seem to want to stop himself.



The whole "please stop buying me stuff" and he continues on would concern me - do you just refuse the gifts? I think if you accept you are sending him mixed messages.

I tried to go back for some background, but was unable to find anything helpful, so let me ask your ages, and how long have you been dating?

Ok look. I met him last year but he only started to like me 3 weeks or so ago by his admission.
He is my friend but I was never attracted to him but I thought I would just get to know him. After a couple of weeks he made it clear he was convinced I should be his wife.
I told him straight that he is not my type and I am not attracted to him at all, I had to tell him.

We are in our 30's. He is generous which is nice and to cut a long story short I had to tell him emphatically to stop paying for my purchases, the last time whilst at the till. He is very generous but I asked him if he thought what he was doing was foolish and that I did not like it but he still kept trying. Anyway, he said its because he loves me and its just for this month.

At that point I felt I was getting close but made sure to remind him that I was 'not sure', do not have the desire and we will see.

Then today I had enough so I met him at his shop to see him and say hello for 2 minutes then I realised this has to stop.

I am not attracted to him, seeing him then just confirmed it, and I told him in a text that I am not interested in getting to know him as my husband (about an hour ago).

I felt liberated and relieved to say the least.

His response was 'God Bless You'...

Actually the whole time we were speaking I told him that although he is nice etc I do not have peace about it and that I am not his wife.

Unfortunately at one point I did tell him I thought I was falling in love and that he is very kind, gentleman etc, but I almost felt forced to say this cause at the same time I was telling him I do not feel that peace in my heart.

So, why is it that I am only ever approached by the wrong men? I get so fed up and almost loose any hope. I give them a chance but because I feel obligated to and I am so tired of that.

There you go.

I think people sense a niceness in people and those who wish to be in charge, control, seek out nice people and it doesn't always end well. They are aware the nice people aren't going to scream - in their faces - "Leave me alone."

My impression is that you are the type of girl that always wants to please, and doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings, to your own detriment, and at your own expense.

This can be a good quality, but can also be a bad one. I know, because I am one of those people, and it can really cause you a lot of pain if you're not careful.

You should never be with a man because you feel obligated. It only causes bad feelings when the going gets rough.

I don't think he is being honest with you when he says he only started liking you 3 weeks ago. There is something wrong with that picture. I think either he just didn't want to admit that he liked you all along, or that maybe he is the type to make quick decisions without thinking them through, and that isn't a good quality. Three weeks is a VERY short amount of time for him to be thinking of you as his "wife", or for you to be thinking of him as your "husband". People have to get to know the ins and outs before that's even a thought!

Could you be mistaking "kind and caring" for needy? I'm also curious to know why after only 3 weeks, why you would even be talking about the subject or possibility of marriage with him? I don't mean this to sound cruel, but could it be that you are both needy people, and are just willing to settle?

I think at the most, at this point anyway, that you should make it clear, as it sounds you may have done already, that you are not ready for that kind of relationship with him. You could possibly remain friends, but make it very clear, so he has no other expectations, that it is all it would be unless and until you have a change of heart, but don't lead him on, or give him mixed signals!

He got his expectations up when you said you thought you were falling in love with him. Never do that, unless you are absolutely sure. People get hurt in the process, and he might not believe the things you say, even as friends.

Anyway, Talaniman made a good point. Friendship is more appropriate not marriage. I'm just going to leave it alone. I feel much better now reflecting and looking back. I always felt uncomfortable unattracted.

You just look at all the qualities and think 'will I ever meet a man who is good looking and does all of that?'

I ever meet a man who is good looking and does all of that?'
Sure you will, especially when your busy building a life that you enjoy, and love yourself enough to be happy, just with you.

Someone will want to share it with you. Many as a matter of fact, case in point, your present situation. Just a preview.

Thank You

Anyway, Talaniman made a good point. Friendship is more appropiate not marriage. I'm jsut going to leave it alone. I feel much better now reflecting and looking back. I always felt uncomfortable unattracted.

You just look at all the qualities and think 'will I ever meet a man who is good looking and does all of that?'



I did - and I looked for a long time. And I will also say the first time I met my husband I thought he was one of the most attractive men I had ever seen and couldn't believe he was also funny and charming and, most importantly, kind and caring. I kept waiting for his true personality to surface, but that WAS his true personality.

So, yes, there are men out there who have it all. You just have to keep looking and not settle for less.

(And over the years I sure kissed a lot of toads!)

I did. I fell in love with the person and after that the body was no longer an issue for my because in my eyes he was beautiful all around.