I'm in a situation where an ex girlfriend lied to me about birth control. Aside from this fact, she has previously told me she was suicidle, also made hint that she has cancer, and has also tried blackmailing me into getting back together. If she chooses to take me to court, is it possible for me to push for her being an unfit mother and pushing for the child to be put up for adoption?

You can accuse her of being an unfit mother all day, but they need proof that she is too unfit to care for the child... they will probably have her talk to a shrink, and see how she acts around the child. You and her BOTH have to agree to put the child up for adoption. And if you want to give up your parental rights, then the mother of your child would have to have someone else like a new husband or new boyfriend to want to adopt that child, that is if the mother didn't want to put your child up for adoption...

What state are you in? Did you get a paternity test proving you are the father?

The child isn't born yet, apparently she's engaged to be married to a new boyfriend next year sometime. As for the praternity test I haven't had it yet obviously. However as for proof, I do have messages from MSN conversations Facebook, etc of her saying all of the suicidle stuff, and blackmail, etc etc.

This may not may not be allowed as evidence, hard to say, time to start getting an attorney.

But to adopt both bio parents are suppose to have to sign the adoption papers

Well when the child is born, do not sign the birth certificate until you take a paternity test and find out if you're the father! Does she say you're the father? And why would you want to accuse her of being an unfit mother if you want to put the kid up for adoption? Why do you care? And maybe she is saying she's suicidal because she wants attention and she's hormonal from being pregnant? You never know, babies change some women, she could be the best mother!

Well when the child is born, do not sign the birth certificate until you take a paternity test and find out if you're the father! Does she say you're the father? And why would you want to accuse her of being an unfit mother if you want to put the kid up for adoption? Why do you care? And maybe she is saying she's suicidal because she wants attention and shes hormonal from being pregnant? You never know, babies change some women, she could be the best mother!


Believe it or not, some parents want what is best for their child--and this is one of those cases where I could see adoption being better than having an unstable mother who slanders the father and turns the child against the father regardless what he does, yet he has to pay child support the rest of his life for a kid that the mother makes hate him---why do you THINK he cares?

I agree, though, that it's time to get a lawyer. You're going to have to fight for any custody or visitation that you want if she does NOT choose to place the child for adoption.

Custody would not be enough. You would have to get the mother's rights terminated (voluntarily or involuntarily) and that would be a very difficult thing to do.

If the father did something wrong to the mother, than I think she has the right to "slander" him. Just because the parents don't get along doesn't mean the child will or has to suffer. And I don't recall reading anything about how the father thinks the mother will turn the child against him... it seems to me the father is just scared of growing up and stepping up as a father. And the child isn't even born yet!

Here's the whole deal. I started dating this girl, she told me right off the hop that she was on the shot. Now three months into the relationship she gets pregnant, I ask her to bring me proof that she was on birthcontrol she keeps saying she is but refuses to take me to the doctor with her or bring me any confirmation on it. Thusly, because she lied to me about something this big, I end it. This being in May. Since then she has told me she is suicidle, she tells me I have to get back together with her for the child's sake, I tell her no way, she says she's going to jump off a bridge. About three weeks later, she starts trying to blackmail me, as I am moving away to go to school, she says if I come back to her after school, she won't make me pay child support, yada yada yada. I tell her I won't get back together, she says see you in court. Sometime later, she drops a hint saying she has cancer *again I call bs* and asks if anything happened to her would I take care of the child, to which I responded depends on the situation. Now, two weeks ago, she accuses me of cheating on her while we were together, tells me flat out she lied about birth control because a) she couldn't afford it and b) a doctor told her when she was a child that she couldn't have children, while a year or two ago she had a miscarriage. On top of this apparently she's engaged to an ex boyfriend, they've moved in together and are planning on getting married next summer. Now every last thing of this I have on Facebook and msn conversations. The girl is absolutely insane, now with me going to school, I will not be able to support a child, and she is obviously not fit to be a mom, so what is it I need to bring into court to get her deemed an unfit mother?

You need to get a lawyer.

Period.

Proving a parent unfit is one of the hardest court cases EVER. Getting a child taken away from a parent even harder. And unfortunately, everyone looks at a guy who broke up with a pregnant girlfriend who is trying to get her to choose adoption as the bad guy, because he walked, and now he doesn't want to "pay his dues" by paying child support.

I don't support that theory at all--but a lot of people will, and it'd be a tough case.

You are going to need a lawyer, and a really GOOD lawyer.

Let's put it this way: is it worth paying NOW for a lawyer, or paying the rest of your life by having to be connected to this woman though a child and child support payments.

Final lesson in all of this: ALWAYS use a condom, and don't have sex with anyone that you're not willing to have a kid with.

Exactly... and I hate when the whole story isn't told.

First of all it is NOT anywhere close to obvious that she is unfit to be a mom let alone insane.

What I see is a woman who is panicked by the fact of her pregancy. This is causing her to make some decisions out of desparation. But that's nowhere near enough to prove unfitness or insanity.

I've said this before, but no one should engage in sexual intercourse unless they are emotionally and financially ready to have a child. You could have protected yourself with a condom, but you chose the more risky behavior, now you are paying the price.

Like always, your right!

A) I did not post this up here to be lectured about sexual safety, s*** happens big deal.
B) At the age of 21, you really think a lot of people show restraint about whom they have sex with, let alone protection? It's great to preach and prod at the people in a situation but I'm sure people in this situation, such as myself, so enough with the should haves, have heard it from every angle.
C) Final question *and for the love of god no more "you shouldves" because it can't be erased* since apparently she is engaged before the child has even been born, would it be possible to push for the fiancé of this girl to adopt the child as soon as it is born? Or is that in itself a waste of time?

If that is what the new husband wants to do, and you AND the mother agree on it, then yeah it's possible.

A) You apparently don't understand how this works. Once you post something you open yourself up for people's responses. People will respond the way THEY think appropriate, not the way you want.
B) Actually I do expect that. Yes, there are plenty of people who think with their libidos instead of their brains. That doesn't make it right. I believe there are also plenty of people who would show restraint or, at least, some sense of self preservation.

One of the advantages of a site like this is people can learn from other's experiences. So it makes sense for us to point out a better way.

C) If the boyfriend is willing to sign the birth certificate and acknowledge paternity, then he would be considered the legal father. Unless the actual bio father contests it (and I don't see why you would) then that would let you off the hook. The mother could change her mind though.

Exactly what I just said. :-]

It's the internet, of course I know how it works. People will inevitably jump on the back of someone in a manner to say haha I told you so. Exactly how message boards work. Not saying I didn't expect half the response I've received Gem, just I'd appreciate going without them, as I've heard every single response out there already. Hence, its rather annoying to hear the same "oh you should've done this" I didn't, this happened, now I'm looking for advice, hence I posted on here. You're entitled to your opinion doesn't mean I have to agree with it, nor agree with the reasoning behind it, you want people to learn from the experience let them read the initial post, and the subsequent story afterwards behind it. That's where they'll learn something, not from you running your mouth about "use your head not your " rant. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the obvious "get a lawyer" comment you've repeatedily put up there, and the other tidbit that he, her and I all have to come to an agreement, but when someone's in a situation like this, use your judgement and naturally assume that all your 'parental instincts' have already been nurtured previously by others.

You really should review this thread. The initial responses, dealt directly with the questions you had. It wasn't until you started whining about being taken advantage of and trashing this girl when beyond what she did that we started moralizing.

So we DID use our judgement and no we can't assume that you have already gotten the lecture.

I wound up with "one of those women who every woman out there hates because it depicts us so badly" and I told the story as is. I trashed her because who wants to put up with that kind of bs in any form? I'm not an old fashioned male in this materialistic world good sir. Just because she's going to be having my kid doesn't mean I am obligated to stay with her. She betrayed trust, amongst that, has caused me a massive headache I am unprepaired for. However, yes you are entitled to your opinion, whether I agree with it, I'll give it to you. But you cannot tell me that if you were in my shoes you would not be livid at the fact that someone would take advantage of you in such a manner that it literally alters your life, at the age of 21. A high % of all children are mistakes, not planned, that is a sad statistic but a true one. However, instances like this are ones that specifically need guidance, not I told you so's. Put yourself in my shoes, you're 21 years old, been working towards paying tuition so you can go back to school, to achieve that goal of a career. You find a girl that you feel could be a fit, then when it starts to come apart, she's pregnant after telling you she was on birth control, and expects you to forfeit what you've been working towards to be with her. Would you prefer the guidance or the told you so?

I hate to point out the obvious, but no birth control is 100% effective, so even if she claimed that she was on the shot, you still should have used a condom. Never trust someone else to take care of the birth control. You played with fire, you go burnt.

Okay, enough lectures. You've gotten good advice on which steps to take now. I suggest that you get a lawyer, meet with the mother of your child and her future husband, see if they are willing to let you off the hook by officially adopting the child as his. That's your best bet.

The whole, she's unfit because she emotional and lied about birth control, well, that won't get you anywhere at all.

Good luck.

I wound up with "one of those women who every woman out there hates because it depicts us so badly" and i told the story as is. I trashed her because who wants to put up with that kind of bs in any form? I'm not an old fashioned male in this materialistic world good sir. Just because she's going to be having my kid doesn't mean I am obligated to stay with her. She betrayed trust, amongst that, has caused me a massive headache I am unprepaired for. However, yes you are entitled to your opinion, whether or not I agree with it, I'll give it to you. But you cannot tell me that if you were in my shoes you would not be livid at the fact that someone would take advantage of you in such a manner that it literally alters your life, at the age of 21. A high % of all children are mistakes, not planned, that is a sad statistic but a true one. However, instances like this are ones that specifically need guidance, not I told you so's. Put yourself in my shoes, you're 21 years old, been working towards paying tuition so you can go back to school, to achieve that goal of a career. You find a girl that you feel could be a fit, then when it starts to come apart, she's pregnant after telling you she was on birth control, and expects you to forfeit what you've been working towards to be with her. Would you prefer the guidance or the told you so?

I don 't think you have been quite paying attention. First, I have never said you are obligated to stay with her. I think you should have as little to do with her as possible. But the child is yours and you should have consideration about its welfare, beyond how it messes up your life.

Again, you HAVE been given guidance and good guidance at that. But you have also been bemoaning your fate. And that's what has engendered the I told you sos. Your fate is not totally due to the actions of this woman no matter how bad they were. You made choices here and you have to accept the responsibility for those choices.

As for putting myself in your shoes, I would have never have put myself in that position in the first place. But if I was in a position where I made a major goof and needed advice to deal with it, I would also accept the lectures knowing I deserved them.

Revival-I don't understand at all how you think this woman "took advantage of you." Sure, maybe she lied about being on birth control, but even then just because she wasn't on birth control does not mean that every girl who gets sperm inside her automatically gets pregnant. She didn't take advantage of you, I'm sure she wasn't using you to make a child.

Revival-I don't understand at all how you think this woman "took advantage of you." Sure, maybe she lied about being on birth control, but even then just because she wasn't on birth control does not mean that every girl who gets sperm inside her automatically gets pregnant. She didn't take advantage of you, I'm sure she wasn't using you to make a child.

You have a very good point. While she did betray a trust by lying about it, I'm not sure "taking advantage" is the way to put it. That's what continues to bother me here is Revival seems to be taking little or no responsibility for what happened.

Revival is the one who chose to take her word for it. He chose to believe that she was on birth control and because of that choice he didn't use a condom.

If we want to turn the tables, the girl could claim that he used her, after all, he didn't use protection, and because of that she's pregnant.

This child deserves to have a good life, even though it wasn't planned. Revival, you had a hand in creating this human being, and like it or not you are repsonsible for it's care.

I wound up with "one of those women who every woman out there hates because it depicts us so badly" and i told the story as is. I trashed her because who wants to put up with that kind of bs in any form? I'm not an old fashioned male in this materialistic world good sir. Just because she's going to be having my kid doesn't mean I am obligated to stay with her. She betrayed trust, amongst that, has caused me a massive headache I am unprepaired for. However, yes you are entitled to your opinion, whether or not I agree with it, I'll give it to you. But you cannot tell me that if you were in my shoes you would not be livid at the fact that someone would take advantage of you in such a manner that it literally alters your life, at the age of 21. A high % of all children are mistakes, not planned, that is a sad statistic but a true one. However, instances like this are ones that specifically need guidance, not I told you so's. Put yourself in my shoes, you're 21 years old, been working towards paying tuition so you can go back to school, to achieve that goal of a career. You find a girl that you feel could be a fit, then when it starts to come apart, she's pregnant after telling you she was on birth control, and expects you to forfeit what you've been working towards to be with her. Would you prefer the guidance or the told you so?


I wouldn't have had sex in the first place without knowing something positive about birth control. I know you think she took advantage of you - why you? What did you offer that some other guy didn't?

No one suggested that you stay with her that I can see.

It always amazes me on the boards - women who are pregnant when the boyfriend wants out of the relationship are described as manipulative nut jobs who selected "him" as the father because he has SO much to offer; women who want out suddenly remember that he's on drugs, unemployed and violent.

Apparently none of this is apparent during the "dating" game.

Anyone else want to jump on the bandwagon?

Do you feel like you benefited from posting your question?

Good question jambourrie. Lol! Despite whether you're trying to go back to school and get a job or whatever... I know lots of parents who are living and loving their dreams, their careers, and they were young parents. This is where your morals come into play... your feelings may change once you see this little bundle of joy... you may WANT to enjoy YOUR babies life... dont rule it out

Again, paying child welfare is not the problem. If I have to do it, fine, I don't care. However you people do not know this girl and I've tried to describe her as best I can, however it's the internet and people misinterpret all the time. Such is life. I am very concerned about the welfare of the child or else I would not be trying to find a way to get this child a better chance at life rather than with this girl. She does not have a high school education, she's definitely got some serious issues, and this kid is going to struggle because she will not be able to give her the life she needs or deserves. SO that being said, if anyone has any more bandwagon jump on my back questions/remarks/anything feel free to tell me I'm just trying to get out of this kids life, that she's the victim because of what I'm doing, yada yada yada. I don't really give a flying f*** the point is I'm trying to find a way to get this kid put up for adoption as I *ME* feel that her mother is NOT FIT to be a parent. Is that more crystal clear?

the point is I'm trying to find a way to get this kid put up for adoption as I *ME* feel that her mother is NOT FIT to be a parent. Is that more crystal clear?

You had me up until this last part. I was going to tell you, if you feel so strongly that she is unfit then you take it to court and petition for custody.

But you seem to care less about the fate of the child then you do about getting revenge for what she did to you. If you cared you would try to get custody rather than put the child up for adoption.

But whatever. If you think you can prove her unfit (I don't based on what you've said) then take it to court.. Because that's the only place you will get it done.

Once again, that's the courts decision whether she's an unfit mother... but chances are you will not get anywhere with that in court. Judges aren't stupid... he/she will see that you and her are hostile towards each other and just think that you are making it up most likely. Sorry but true.

ScottGem I myself I am adopted, my birth parents were the same age as I am when they had me. This is not about revenge, this is what I deem the best route for the child. I've lived it. So once again, I reiterate that this is what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII deem best for the child, it has nothing to do with the mother, because I do not trust the mother, I do not believe she is able to raise this child, nor do I believe I am ready to raise a child. This is about the child not between her and I, if I wanted to take revenge on her, I'd go get another girl knocked up and stay with that girl... but that would be ignorant. So once again Gem, I throw your post out the window because you miss the bigger picture. Read the whole thing before you post next time.

ScottGem I myself I am adopted, my birth parents were the exact same age as I am when they had me. This is not about revenge, this is what I deem the best route for the child. I've lived it. So once again, I reiterate that this is what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII deem best for the child, it has nothing to do with the mother, because I do not trust the mother, I do not believe she is able to raise this child, nor do I believe I am ready to raise a child. This is about the child not between her and I, if I wanted to take revenge on her, I'd go get another girl knocked up and stay with that girl... but that would be ignorant. So once again Gem, I throw your post out the window because you miss the bigger picture. Read the whole thing before you post next time.



How would getting someone else pregnant and this time staying around exact revenge on the currently pregnant woman?

Because my ex is livid that I left her. She feels that I abandoned her, that I lied to her, and if I were to turn around and have this happen again and stay with the next girl, she would go off the chain.

However, Revenge is not what I'm looking towards, nor do I want to achieve it. My main concern is I want what's best for my would be daughter. My feelings on what would be best for my daughter is for her to be put up for adoption as I do not believe that her mother can handle this. But apparently since I can't legally do it if I take sole custody of the child, and since apparently it would be a waste of time to try to prove that my ex is an unfit mother, essentially I have two options A) I either pay child support, and take her for visitation/joint custody or B) her "fiance" *assuming she's not lying to me about that either* signs the birth certificate, and that's that. Would everyone agree on that?

Because my ex is livid that I left her. She feels that I abandoned her, that I lied to her, and if I were to turn around and have this happen again and stay with the next girl, she would go off the chain.

However, Revenge is not what I'm looking towards, nor do I want to achieve it. My main concern is I want whats best for my would be daughter. My feelings on what would be best for my daughter is for her to be put up for adoption as I do not believe that her mother can handle this. But apparently since I can't legally do it if I take sole custody of the child, and since apparently it would be a waste of time to try to prove that my ex is an unfit mother, essentially I have two options A) I either pay child support, and take her for visitation/joint custody or B) her "fiance" *assuming she's not lying to me about that either* signs the birth certificate, and thats that. Would everyone agree on that?


No, not all aspects - it's actually against the law to list someone you know is not the father on a birth certificate.

I think when the child is born you request DNA testing and then decide where to go/what to do.

Well regardless then I have to sign the birth certificate *after a DNA test*. However, should she not put me on the birth certificate, what are the consequences of that?

You really really need to get a lawyer.

I'm not saying this because I think that you can't figure out what to do with help from people here; I'm saying it because I see what you're saying here, and can actually empathize with your situation a bit.

Folks, turn it around for JUST a minute. If HE were the girl that was pregnant, wanting to place the child for adoption because SHE wasn't ready to be a parent, and absolutely felt that the GUY was unfit---what would your answers be? Would they be the same?

Revival--showing someone to be an unfit mother is HARD. I honestly think that if you're trying to do things in the best interest of the child, and NOT to just get off the hook, you should drop the idea of the fiancé adopting your child. Leaving the child WITH the mother, if you truly feel her to be unfit, is like giving up if you don't get your way about adoption. A lawyer is going to tell you how you need to proceed, given the laws in your area, if you want to have the child NOT be with her mother--whether that means the child is in YOUR custody, or whether that means the child gets placed for adoption.

You need to understand, though--most guys do not get the bond that women have with their unborn children, and most PEOPLE don't think it's possible that a father could care more about a child--especially one as yet unborn--than the mother does. Getting a child taken away from its mother is extremely serious, and extremely hard to do. You will NEED a lawyer to even have a CHANCE at it.

As a birthparent myself, I can understand that adoption IS sometimes in the child's best interests, regardless the parents' personal issues.

That being said Synn who kind reasoning am I going to have to come to a lawyer with? MSN, Facebook, etc isn't going to be enough according to some on here. I need to have an ace up my sleeve so to speak. After her and I broke up I declined to go to the doctors with her for ultra sounds, and stuff like that which she will undoubtably turn around on me saying that I don't want to be a part of this child's life. How can I show that adoption could be the best possible option for this child?

Revival,

If you decide to try and determine that she's unfit, that's a very hard road to take. The proof you have is really nothing in a courts eyes.

The sad fact, she isn't a mother yet, she hasn't had the child, so how you can you prove her unfit when she hasn't even had a chance to show she's capapble of being a mother?

She may be an unfit human being, but that doesn't automatically make her an unfit mother.

That would be like saying "Bob's an unfit driver, he shouldn't be allowed to drive, even though he's never been behind the wheel of a car."

You really do need a lawyer. Get a free consultation, bring the proof you have, see if a lawyer thinks you have a chance.

Well regardless then I have to sign the birth certificate *after a DNA test*. However, should she not put me on the birth certificate, what are the consequences of that?



You answered your own question within the last 15 minutes on a legal thread where a father who is not on the birth certificate, has never paid support in 7 years (I believe), has never had contact, is now engaged, he found out the child was adopted and now "they" want visitation and perhaps custody. The question of "she knew he was the father but put no name on the birth certificate, is this fraud?" has come up - can the adoption be reversed for fraud?

If you want the best for your child you'll determine paternity and THEN decide how to proceed.

I love needles :S

I love needles :S


Then there's no need to resort to drugs in tablet form - :)

Instead of criticizing the people who are posting their opinions and answers on this board, you need to find out if you're the father! If this chick is such a liar and a moron (which is how you basically portray her)... then how do u know she isn't lying about you being the daddy??

First, I do read the whole post. Your taking gratuitous shots at people trying to help you is not going to help you get help.

But I do see what Synnen saw and was going to reply similarly but she beat me to it.

The problem is,at this point there is little you can do. You have to wait until the child is born and see what happens then.

Lol Judykay, drugs never the question here... blood and needles though not my thing. And I'm aware zawa. That being said Mr Gem should she not take me to court, etc etc, are you saying I should see how she handles the child before I myself take her to court?

Here's just a quick update: She lied to me about being engaged. She told me it was just to make me jealous to come back to her. Fun stuff.

Thread Closed

Seems thread has run its course,
Question has been completely answered.