Me and my boyfriend will be getting married next year. I will be making everything myself and already made the bridemaids dresses and will be working on mines after I give birth to our son. At first there was a diagreement with his mother regarding the color I choose for the dress, ice blue, but she came around and is open with to the idea.

Now the problem is his ex wife. She is a bitter lady and sometimes goes out her way to get a negative reaction from people. They been divorce since 1999 and she remarried 2 years later and is still married to the guy. She is more upset that we are having a baby then us getting married. She lives in a different state and they do have a 13 year old son.

Once she found out I was pregnant she contacted his entire family to let them know it was unfair for him to have another child and it's unfair to their child. Now their son knows about the baby and is happy to become a big brother and always tells us that he isn't jealous but his mom is. I found out a few weeks ago that she is unable to have kids now and that expain her bitterness.

The problems is we had a date set for our wedding since July and we even called her before setting the date to make sure she didn't have any trips set so his son can come. Today she called to say their son can't make it because she taking him on a cruise. She did this out of spike and now by boyfriend is upset and so am I. I tried and went out my way to be nice to this lady but she don't want to be nice. There is nothing going on between them too so that isn't a problem nor issue.

I just want everything to be civil and don't mind changing the date because it's not written in stone. We want his son there but she don't. In return his son calls and don't understand her behavior. He is smart boy and is on the honor roll. When she finds out he's calling us she takes his cellphone away, that the father pays for, but gives it back to him once she cools out. We both know it's a no win matter with her but hopes she comes around. Now we are planning our wedding around the time he has him. I jusu curious how would others handle this situation with the ex or have anyone ever had to deal with an ex and if so how did you handle it?

The best way to handle this would be to not tell her any specific date and just proceed with the wedding when he has custody of his son, otherwise she will never let him attend. Her convenient vacation cruise is a good indicator she will go to any lengths to deprive her son of attending his father's wedding. Don't even tell the son of the intended date (use a fake date instead to throw her off) and just let it be a surprise when he is visiting dad.

I can't see any other way around her and her jealous actions.

Good luck and congratulations on the new little one!

Thank you! We plan to do actually what you said and we discuss this with his family and they're on board with the idea too.

I was talking with my mother-in-law earlier and she told me she was jealous of the baby because she's afraid it will lower her child support.

However, I won't let her steal my thunder or cause me any stress. I will continue to be civil with her and be the bigger person and ignore her.

Great idea twinkiedooter

That's the main reason ex's get mad when there are more children involved. My stepsons mother only started being nasty to me when we had our daughter because the child support did go down. And when we have the next one it'll probably go down some more because we will be filing for less due to the additional child.

Yep! That's the whole reason why she is mad because of child support.

It shouldn't be about that, especially since she's married. I know when you get involved with someone who has a child by someone else, if you marry, then you take on those responsibilities too, and it shouldn't be about getting any other money. This is just showing that she's being selfish now because she's making it more about her and not the child.

My husband and I plan on having a big family if we can afford it, because we love big families, I was one of 4 kids, and I loved it. It's just a plus that cs goes down with the more children in a household, but we'r hoping to eventually get custody of my stepson anyway, so then that won't mean anything.

Your right but that's why I am ignoring her and not letting her get to me. It just silly for an adult to act this way. Her and my fiancé have nothing going on and she using the son as a pawn but luckily he is at the age where he sees everything for hims

Your right but that's why I am ignoring her and not letting her get to me. It just silly for an adult to act this way. Her and my fiancé have nothing going on and she using the son as a pawn but luckily he is at the age where he sees everything for himself and hopefully she will come around. But she is married and has been since 1999. She even have 2 stepkids that live with her because her husband has custody of his 2 kids so you will think she would act different but I guess not.

Mmm yeah I guess not, sounds like she just needs to grow up. Do they get child support from her husbands ex for the kids? Geez, she really is a bit greedy isn't she.

I am a wedding consultant and have dealt with this problem before. ( I am also married to a man with an ex and children from that relationship.) The way my bride handled it was to tell the side of the family that talked to the ex's side that the wedding was planned for a specific day. But the wedding was actually held on a holiday when her fiancé has his son for visitation and the entire family was together anyway. (Her wedding was held on Christmas eve and IT WAS BEAUTIFUL) The ex never knew what hit her since she demanded to have the son on christmas day! Good luck and keep us posted!

It sounds like an awful lot of game playing going on here to me. You are all talking about the ex using the children, well don't you think some here that are patting themselves on the back by using fake dates and underhanded tactics are doing the same here?

Did I read right when I read that having more children is a strategy to get out of paying child support for the child their husband made? What a wonderful idea that is! So all of you that are blaming the ex for getting the money that is well deserved for the child HE made, should be ashamed of yourselves. THAT is using an innocent child to further your own selfish motives. Your husbands laid down with these women and made a baby. It is NOT the new husbands responsibility to take care of someone else's child, just because he chose to marry that child's mother! Unbelievable!

Sounds to me like no matter what date you make your wedding she will spitefully make an excuse of something else being more important that he can't make it.
Sounds like she is making the rules according to what is convenient to her because on the one hand she says contacted his entire family to let them know it was unfair for him to have another child and it's unfair to their child, yet on the other hand she is preventing the son from attending a very special day for his dad. So she is manipulative rather than looking out for the best interests of the son.
Also she contacted his entire family to let them know it was unfair for him to have another child and it's unfair to their child. In time the entire family will see her behavior as childish and petty and not take anything she says very serious and even maybe see her as a drama queen that is being ridiculous.

It sounds like an awful lot of game playing going on here to me. You are all talking about the ex using the children, well don't you think some here that are patting themselves on the back by using fake dates and underhanded tactics are doing the same here?

Did I read right when I read that having more children is a strategy to get out of paying child support for the child their husband made? What a wonderful idea that is! So all of you that are blaming the ex for getting the money that is well deserved for the child HE made, should be ashamed of yourselves. THAT is using an innocent child to further your own selfish motives. Your husbands layed down with these women and made a baby. It is NOT the new husbands responsibility to take care of someone elses child, just because he chose to marry that childs mother! Unbelievable!

I have no idea what your talking about because I never stated any where in this thread about me and my fiancé having a baby to stop child support. Actually, I stated his ex wife was concern that if we have a baby her child support payments will be lower.

Second, your thought about us changing dates had to be in reference to us changing our wedding date. The reason for that was because we already had a set wedding date but then out of the blue she stated their son couldn't attend because they are going away on vacation. So to make sure that didn't happen in the future we planned our special day around the time my fiancé has him.

I have no idea what your talking about because I never stated any where in this thread about me and my fiance having a baby to stop child support. Actually, I stated his ex wife was concern that if we have a baby her child support payments will be lower.

Second, your thought about us changing dates had to be in reference to us changing our wedding date. The reason for that was because we already had a set wedding date but then out of the blue she stated their son couldn't attend because they are going away on vacation. So to make sure that didn't happen in the future we planned our special day around the time my fiance has him.


I believe starbuck8 was commenting on numberonemommy's post.

She referrenced to child support and having more kids.

It sounds like an awful lot of game playing going on here to me. You are all talking about the ex using the children, well don't you think some here that are patting themselves on the back by using fake dates and underhanded tactics are doing the same here?

Did I read right when I read that having more children is a strategy to get out of paying child support for the child their husband made? What a wonderful idea that is! So all of you that are blaming the ex for getting the money that is well deserved for the child HE made, should be ashamed of yourselves. THAT is using an innocent child to further your own selfish motives. Your husbands layed down with these women and made a baby. It is NOT the new husbands responsibility to take care of someone elses child, just because he chose to marry that childs mother! Unbelievable!

Have you ever dealt with an ex? All I'm saying is that even in the best of situations things can be touchy. And from what this woman said, the ex has gone out of her way to be mean. And YES the child IS in the middle. But the woman who started this thread said the date wasn't in stone to accommodate the ex. The ex went out an booked a cruise PURPOSELY on the day the original wedding was set. So If my advise of planning a wedding and keeping the date secret sounds sneaky then so be it. The dad of this child has a right to have his son there too. And from the sound of it, the son wants to be there. So who really gets hurt here?

Nohelp, thank you for your comment along with everyone else.

I had forgot about this thread and since it was posted me and her actually went out for lunch and she apologize and I thought that was very big of her because she don't normally do that. Either his family was shocked.

She is remarried and have been since 2000. Her reason for being mad was because she can't have no more kids, due to after birth to their son, and she was upset that he was having a baby and she even wished I miscarried. She stated that her husband got her case everyday about this issue and it was interferring with her marriage and came to the conclusion to deal with it because after all it is her son brother and she wants the two to know each other. Her and her husband is going look into adoption because she realize how much she wants another child. After lunch we actually hung out for a while and I got to see her good side.

Me and my fiancé never tried to bring his son in between any of this but instead we wanted everyone to get along. My fiancé met my daughter's father and they get along and I thought the same could happen between me and his ex wife. Through all her nastiness I was still nice to her, and she said so herself. I never got into their business between him and her son and anytime his son was over I treated him as my own. We both wanted things to go smoothly and after meeting with her I think things will be different in the future.

Thanks again to all that responded.

It's good to hear that she has calmed... and her nasty ways may part.

If we could all be so fortunate with exes!

God Bless:)

I have no idea what your talking about because I never stated any where in this thread about me and my fiance having a baby to stop child support. Actually, I stated his ex wife was concern that if we have a baby her child support payments will be lower.

Second, your thought about us changing dates had to be in reference to us changing our wedding date. The reason for that was because we already had a set wedding date but then out of the blue she stated their son couldn't attend because they are going away on vacation. So to make sure that didn't happen in the future we planned our special day around the time my fiance has him.

Southerngalps is right Liz! Did I quote YOU when I said that? No I didn't, and if you read my post thourougly, you would have seen that I didn't single anyone out, but I thought it was easily clear. Changing your wedding date was also not what I was talking about! I was referring to people that do things like sneak around, and do things under anothers nose as a kind of a power trip, just to see if they can get away with it. All this does is cause more anomosity between the parents of the child, and it's only asking for more problems!

Have you ever dealt with an ex? All I'm saying is that even in the best of situations things can be touchy. And from what this woman said, the ex has gone out of her way to be mean. And YES the child IS in the middle. But the woman who started this thread said the date wasn't in stone to accomodate the ex. The ex went out an booked a cruise PURPOSELY on the day the original wedding was set. So If my advise of planning a wedding and keeping the date secret sounds sneaky then so be it. The dad of this child has a right to have his son there too. And from the sound of it, the son wants to be there. So who really gets hurt here?

Have I ever dealt with an ex? I don't think that is a question you want to ask me. I certainly have! But, I have dealt with it, no matter how my ex decided to act, in an adult manner, and did not have to stoop to game playing, or his level. It shouldn't be an attitude of "so be it". You are only going to invite trouble when the ex finds out, and then you will have more problems the next time you want to plan an outing with the child!

I'm glad it worked out that way Liz. That is great for everyone involved!

Actually, I did read your post and read it more than once. Even though you didn't single anyone out, you did use the phrase "you all" and to me if anything the first paragraph was in referring to me so I responsed back.

Again, I never tried to cause problems. Also, you did say something about the date and to me you was talking about our wedding date. In the end, everything is water under the bridge and I never intended to use under handed tactics, like you said, to get married until she did what she did. Was we suppose to keep telling her our wedding date for her to keep pulling another trick? She knew that we wanted their son there but she didn't and she already admitted to doing this.

Besides that, thanks again for your comment.

Southern, thank you too and I really hope that she meant what she said because I truly want everyone to get along.

OMG! I have so been there. I married my husband 17 years ago. His children were so stuck in the middle. They are grown now and we are g-parents now.
My husbands ex is insane!! She has just separated from her fourth H and is living with her mother. She has no money. No job. I can't tell you how many vacations my h and I planned only to have ruined at the last minute because she changed her mind about which weekend she wanted the kids. It didn't matter about routine or schedule. She always was in a panic about something. But I can tell you that if you hold true to yourself and to your love, the children will come out OK. Both of my steps have since told me how nice it is to come to my house where things are calm and there is not hate. I wish that I could say that was always the case! Believe me! I didn't always feel that way!I would get so mad at my H's ex that I had to go to my own room - I put myself in timeout! But those feelings are for me and my h to discuss. When we lost our money for airline tickets because she never picked up the kids, that wasn't the kids fault - but believe me I was mad. When the child support check didn't arrive for 10 months (yes, she paid us - or didn't pay us - whichever the case), and we owed the orthodontist (that SHE hired!), I was mad! But not at the kids. I wish that I has said that to them more often. I just assumed that they didn't know that I was mad - but they did. Just be open. Say your mad, or disappointed or frustrated or happy or proud! Feel the whole spectrum.
Trust your instincts! I tell you that from my experience. I remember, the ex convinced the oldest girl to have a daily phone date after school. This was in the 7th grade - tought age. So the girl refused to go out for any sports or afterschool activities. She was home every day by 3:45. Now, most people wouldn't mind - knowing where the child is everyday. But the ex would just get the girl wound up! The ex would talk bad about the dad and about me. They would be one the phone until I got home from work at 5:30. When I walked in, you could have cut the anger with a knife. The girl would just radiat anger and ruin the evening. For a while, we blamed it on hormones. We tried to get her to do something after school. In retrospect, this was her only connection t her mom.
At some point, the child will pick up on the games, too. For instance, my s-son was 10 and begged and begged to go out for football. We agreed but he had to walk home from school (one block), get his uniform and walk to the park (back a block to acrsoss from the school). We walked this block often, to the corner store, to the park. All the time. I made him a snack in the fridge. One week later, we had a knock on the door from social services. WE were neglecting HIM! It turns out that when he walked home, he would call up the ex and tell her that he was scared to walk one block. She called social services. He cried and cried when we took him out of football and he went right back to day care!! That was the last time he ever played that game. The bad part is he has trust issues to this day.
I wish I could tell you that once the children turn 18, dealing with the ex is over. It's not. She is still pulling her little 'tricks' now on her own children over the g-child! Parents are parents and steps are steps. It's OK to say, 'this is what I want' and 'this is not what I want'. Remember your heart , keep in it a good place, and you'll be OK.