I was bored and wrote a little story that sort of resembles my life I made it short :/ because my family doesn't know that I write so I was scared they find out

Left on the side of the road...

I'll tell you a disgusting tale of a girl called Lelena. This girl never spoke the truth to people and always lied saying that she was happy... when in truth she was dying heart and mind.
She put a smile on her face and looked in the mirror says "I'm happy.."
Even though she knew the truth,she was sad,broken,hurt,and shattered to pieces. She never seemed to fit in anywhere. Her family was a brother and a sister and parents. Her sister was the pretty and smart girl. Her brother was the handsome and athlete. What was she... she was weak and pathetic. She wasn't born strong and this world was to strong for her. She was born with a weak body and a weak soul. She was taunted by her sister and told by many in school on how she should become like her sister. She tried and tried but couldn't be like her sister and kept on getting yelled at. Her heart grew colder and colder. Her brother was there when she was younger but as she grew he left her alone to be with his friends...
Her mother was the family beat up toy.. always getting yelled at and never saying anything and acting as if nothing ever happened. Lelena saw this and realized that the weak never make it alive. She put on a fake smile and hid her sadness trying to force herself that she was happy. Knowing that was a lie. Her sister still taunted her for every little thing she did. Her brother never there anymore to give her comfort. She was left alone in her fake world and the world she hated. Her heart grewer colder and colder,all the people who she trusted left her side. Leaving her mor eed up then she could've imagined. She was scared to feel that pain of lonely,but she didn't know that by doing this she would cost herself the worst loneliness in the world. Her fake happiness brought her joy for a while but she realized that the person who was happy wasn't her but someone she made up.. She realized that her happiness was all a lie. Lelena felt she was left on the side of the road.. never to be found. Her loneliness made her wish for death,she longed for it more then anything in the world,but was to weak to acutally do suicide. Her mind was going crazy she didn't understand anything anymore.. she had started to become insane,but she found someone, something that helped her escape from insanity.. the person who was so much like her,but was far more stronger then she was. She smiled at Lelena and helped her leave the insanity in her mind. Her warmth gave Lelena's cold heart a warming feeling. She had started to become alive again, but was still scared because what if she left like the rest... Lelena realzied being with her. That she shouldn't wait for for someone to save her from the lonely road but that you have to leave it by yourself. So this leads to Lelena's journey to get off the road she was left on...


I'd would like to know how I can make thing better and what was bad :) I love writing and I want to get better.

Not a bad start at all. I'm an English major with a focus in Creative and Technical Writing, and you have a lot of what's needed for a story of this sort. A few things you might want to look at.

1) Show, don't tell.

This concept is the backbone of all writing, so you should know it well. It basically means to use visual cues so that the reader "sees" what you're describing, rather than being told. For example:

The dog barked.

or

The coarse fur that covered the long snout of the dog glinted in the sun as it let out a sharp, guttural, "Woof."

This is very general and the skill takes time to master, but the first step is always learning that there's a skill to master in the first place, and I think you can get it down pat with ease.

2) Edit your work

After you write something, before you submit it (to a teacher or to a forum) proofread it. Look for easy errors. Read it outloud to yourself. You'll easily be able to catch which phrases are wrong, which are missing words, which have typos, and so on. I'd point out all the little errors in yours, but it might take too long to do in this little chat window.

3) Repetition

If you use the same word (besides for simple words like "is") in three sentences in a row, you have a problem and need to use a new word in one (if not two) of the sentences. Repetition bores the reader. (ie. You use sister several times back to back near the beginning)

4) Don't use so many damn elipses (... 's)

God mad periods for a reason. Elipses, while to the novice writer may seem to add drama and suspense, are not to be used in that way. The occasional trailing off is all right, but for the rest, a period will do.

5) If Lelena's eventual revelation was to not wait for someone to save her, but for her to save herself, why did you add the unnamed female character that saved her right before hand? It kind of diminishes the impact if you add her to the story.

And of course since I'm an English geek I could go on and on about comma rules and paragraph structure, the proper way to format your sentences so that they grab attention and say exactly what you mean, but for the most part you've got what it takes. My reccomendation is to practice mercilessly until you have it mastered. And taking a course or two on writing (creative or otherwise, though you'll probably enjoy a creative writing class more) can only help you hone your skills.

And by the way, even if you don't want to share this particular story with your parents/family (which I can appreciate. I recently wrote a piece in which a character very similar to myself committed suicide, though he wasn't me in any way. I don't plan on showing it to my mom anytime soon, though.) you should still share other stories with them so they can give you their feedback too. What made sense. What was the best part. Does it sound good like this, or like this. Etc.

I hope this helped. Goodluck in your writing =)

Your story is more of a narrative, however it has some basic structure that could be improved-if you think your writing is good and you enjoy it, I can almost guarantee that if you keep writing and reading (very important) you will find that your work will improve out of sight.

Use your school english class to shine with your writing, if you don't want to make any of it available to parents etc. Your teacher will help-if you show that you like to write, it's guaranteed!

You could submit your stories to various forums on the net, or to the creative writing sites that abound.

I think that the best advice to give you, is accept as much criticism as you can to IMPROVE your work, don't take offence to critiques.

Best wishes.