I have been dating this girl for the past 13 months. She is 12 years younger than me and is 19. We have spent almost everyday together for the past year. A week ago she acts like she wants nothing to do with me. Wants to hang out with her friends all the time, doesn't want a hug or kiss from me doesn't show any affection towards me. Any ideas on what I can do. I would do anything for this girl and am willing to do whatever to hopefully not lose her. Any ideas? Should I just let her be and let this play out or what?

Hi,
She is 19, and you are 31 yrs old? I am 64, married now for 29 yrs. My wife is 6 yrs younger than I.
Sounds like your 19 yrs old girlfriend isn't ready for a long-term relationship commitment; she still has some "growing up" and learning about life. At 31, you are very much ahead of her in the "learning about life" department, and have had many, many more experiences that her. She hasn't had all these experiences yet, and can't, tied down to just one person.
I would wait and see what happens. She is telling you that she wants some time; time to be with others, time to "find herself".
Meantime, it's going to be hard on you. I would start talking with others, meeting new people. Let her have some time by herself. Eventually, you will both know what will happen, if anything.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

The age gap I believe has a lot to do wi it. Mainly because of the fact that she is 19. If you were 40 and she was 28 than that would be a bit different but a 19 yr old has still a lot to learn, still a lot of things and experiences to do. Althou saying that I was 19 when I meet my husband. Im now 27 and he is 30. So we grew up together and experienced lifes ups and downs together, and we both still have a lot to experience together.
So saying that at 19 I was prepared to live my life with my man and no one else.
What did you used to do as a couple?
Did you go out together and do things you both enjoy?

It's not just the age gap, but, as KRS said, it the age each of you reached: you're at diff. life stages what interests you, might bore her, what she likes might seem, maybe amusing at the beginning, but this won't last.
Millie

We have done a ton of things together. Some things she enjoys, and things I enjoy. I do agree it's probably the age issue. I was there for her when she was going through some rough times and fell in love with her. I will always be there for her but this is killing my insides. Frustrated just frustrated!

Im sure it must be hard for u, but try keep your chin up. There is so much love you can give when that person don't want the love they are given.
Try talk to her, explain that you are hurt, and see how she responds to it.

We have done a ton of things toghether. Some things she enjoys, and things I enjoy. I do agree it's probably the age issue. I was there for her when she was going through some rough times and fell in love with her. I will always be there for her but this is killing my insides. Frustrated just frustrated!

You said you were there for her when she was going through times?
Is she all OK now?

*rough times* I mean...

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic, have you asked her about it? Such as, "Lately I have noticed you made a change in your availability for spending time with me . . . so that i better understand, can you tell me what is making this change occur and why?"

She's too young. Move on. She hasn't even reached her wild girl stage. She needs to date a lot of guys.

I have asked her about what the change is and I am hoping this will pass in a week or so but I am not sure. She is not through her rough times with a tough family history and basically I was the only one that would listen. I know we spent a lot of time together and now I miss that time we spent.

She says she isn't sure she wants this anymore she still wants to be a friend and she doesn't want to break up because she would hurt me.

Then I believe you have your answer - cut her loose or give her lots of space with the hope that she changes back. However, if the only reason for not breaking it off is to spare feelings, then I would think the first option would be the best choice? Good luck.

It is not only age in numbers here, but age in developmental stages. Fhe has not yet reached the stage you are in and there is no way to reach that without experiences.

She says she isn't sure she wants this anymore she still wants to be a friend and she doesn't want to break up because she would hurt me.


So really and truly she does want to break up wi u?
I don't know if this is harsh but it seems to me that you where there for her when she was down, and now that she is slowly recuperating seems to me that she don't need u, she said herself she isn't sure she wants this anymore.
You were her rock at d time and a shoulder to cry on...
I mean she is staying wi you so she won't hurt u... mmmm that's bad... it as if she is feeling sorry for u!!
Think about it

Sounds as if she was using you to get through a time and now she is done. That just goes to show that she is developmentally younger than you.

Sounds as if she was using you to get through a time and now she is done. That just goes to show that she is developmentally younger than you.

My point completely

Women of all ages will do that.

She sounds like a perfectly normal 19 year old to me. Could you have fallen deeper in love than she did or do yo expect more from her than she is willing and able to give you? Take the high road and let her grow and be a 19 year old with out the pressure you making her something she isn't ready for. She may be gratefully,but she isn't ready for the kind of relationship you want . Quietly move on:cool:

She sounds like a perfectly normal 19 year old to me. Could you have fallen deeper in love than she did or do yo expect more from her than she is willing and able to give you? Take the high road and let her grow and be a 19 year old with out the pressure you making her something she isn't ready for. She may be gratefully,but she isn't ready for the kind of relationship you want . Quietly move on:cool:


Always nicely said Talaniman ;)

19 to 25 generally

Being there through tough times for them doesn't necessarily mean they will need you forever. It is sad but true. I was there through years of hurt for my girlfriend and was one of the only things that made her happy. Me and my love. But eventually she was able to deal withthings herself and with other people and found that her life had changed to a point where I was no longer her happiness. Very painful.
You girl is just so young. It does hurt so much but I think you need to let her go and enjoy her time as a 19 year old. There is so much living that she needs to do and it would be unfair to try and tie her down if she doesn't want to.
Good luck mate. I hope it works out. Keep talking to people. It really helps!

She sounds like a perfectly normal 19 year old to me. Could you have fallen deeper in love than she did or do yo expect more from her than she is willing and able to give you? Take the high road and let her grow and be a 19 year old with out the pressure you making her something she isn't ready for. She may be gratefully,but she isn't ready for the kind of relationship you want . Quietly move on:cool:

I wholeheartedly agree with this advice. She has grown and will continue to grow in stages. She is really grateful for you being there in her time of need, and does not want to hurt you, but it's a hard burden to feel obligated to someone. You would not want her if she only feels obligation towards you now. She give her space, let her wander and see what life has to offer.

She might grow to a point where she really wants to be with you again, or might not. This is something she has to find out for herself.

Please, don't make her feel guilty for accepting your help in times of need, and let her do what's natural for a girl at her age. Think back on the good times, and you'll have reason to cherish the relationship you had. You both gained from this, don't make it a painful experience for either one of you.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_7_209.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Life is full of surprises and letdowns, it depends on what you make of them.
P.S. Don't forget - you're the 'grownup' in this. How would you feel if you had a mentor and she made you feel guilty for trusting and caring for her?

I spoke with her yesterday and told her we needed to take a little break. I will still be there as a best friend for her but I told her she needed to make a decision. It was both or ours first serious relationship and I know we both made mistakes. I hope she can find out she wants me back. Don't know when though. Thanks for the help!

How was her reaction to you telling her to take a little break between you?

She was like I guess if that is what you want to do. I said I was tired of the indecision of whether she wanted to continue or not. I told her I was giving her time to make a decision. Her parents and family and friend I am very tight with and they all have told me "she doesn't know what she wants" yet she continues to tell me that she felt she did nothing wrong she was completely honest with me.

She has done nothing wrong! Except to frustrate you from getting what you want. I really don't know if that's fair or not, but good luck either way!:cool:

This is to save you some pain: she's still a child, sees life in a different manner than you, that's why she doesn't think she did anything wrong. I understand your pain and frustration, but I think that you look at things from an entirely different points of view.
I think that after all, it's better for you, and I wish you the best of luck.
Try to find someone who's near to you - it's not the diff. in the number of years, but in life experience and maturity.
Take care,
Millie
:)

How long should I wait to contact her again. I work with her also but I still have an interest in her life. I miss her a lot.

Do NOT contact her, let her contact you.
Do NOT chase her, let her chase you.

One thing. I don't think you should have told her that you will be there for her as a best friend. That ois pretty much saying "ill hang around waiting for you whenever your ready to come back". You have to make her see what her life is without you. You can't be there for her. That makes it easy for her, and very hard for you. Trust me. That's what I thought I could do but you cant. It is just hanging on. Try and move on and under no circumstances should you contact her. That is very hard to do but it is essential.
Don't make mistakes that I made. Being there for them just makes it easy for them.
She has other friends. Don't think you are letting her down. Leave her completely alone until she contacts you. And even then I would maybe not answer the first time she calls as it just makes it appear that you have put your life on hold waiting for her to come back.
You need to get some power.

I have done nothing but cry and think about her the last two days. I can't stop thinking about her. We tried to hang out last night just as friends and I had to ask her to leave because it was uncomfortable. I am not going to call her until she calls me. It is so tough. Does it get any easier? I want there back!:mad:

You must really love her?
But ask yourself she is really that worthed, worth your tears?

I don't want to be an prick to her either its just not the way I operate. It just really hurts!

I have done nothing but cry and think about her the last two days. I can't stop thinking about her. We tried to hang out last night just as friends and I had to ask her to leave because it was uncomfortable. I am not going to call her until she calls me. It is so tough. Does it get any easier? I want ther back!:mad:
I think you need to reread these threads again to get answers to your questions. ALSO RECOGNISE your entire post is about what you want with no regard as to the best for you both. This is not love. By your own admission you can't even be her friend because YOU are uncomfortable. This is not love!! You come off to me as a person who under the guise of love would change this person to fit your own idea of a mate and are unable to accept this person for who she is,again this is NOT love but a form of control for your own selfish reasons. She obviously isn't going for it,and you need to respect that fact and move on with your life!! As long as you obsess on her coming back ,you will only push her farther away than you already have. I thought it was a very poor move to tell her she needs to make a decision in the first place, and she made her decision your out so MOVE on with your life and work on your attitude, because only the most insecure needy female will go for what your putting down now .Is that what you want? :cool: :mad:

Why be a prick?
In this world u have to think self-fishly sometimes, put yourself first.

MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
Let her be. sometimes things happen for a reason and that reason we dont see it until much later in life
__________________

All right I get it as much as I don't like the idea of moving on I am beginning to see that this is the only way through this. I was told by someone you may need to awlk before you can run again. Meaning maybe being friends with her right now is what we both need and it will work its way back to being more. Be myself, be the person I was before we started dating.

Just don't hold on to that thought though - that by being friends with her now it could work its way back to being close.
She is 19, honestly she is a kid compared to you. You're a man.
You have to move on, life is hard on us sometimes, and that's what makes us stronger individuals.
Im sure you've realtionships before - so I'm sure you know how to handle all of this.

Actually not really this would be my first relationship. Was tied up with other things to be involved in a relationship so here I am 31 and going through my first break up. Sad I know LOL

Oh I see, well there always a time for our first experience in anything, being good or bad. Its not the end of world.
Keep yourself busy, go out with your mates and enjoy being single when the right girl will come along you will know it.

Where there's a will there's a way ;)

Good luck

Me too talaniman :)

Screw the friend thing unless you ALWAYS want to be friends. I'd cut off ALL contact with her - it makes her MISS YOU, you will get your power back,

I have a feeling you became a little bit of a Wuss/nice guy? To nice, too needy? - happens a lot in 1st time relationships.

Don't talk with her... work on yourself... work out

Go to AskMen.com - Free Men's Online Magazine (http://www.askmen.com) - read EVERY article on dating and relationships. EVERY article.

Go to Love Tactics - Love Tactics Home (http://www.lovetactics.com) - you will get some strong advice there. Scroll to the bottom... you'll see they recommend no contact for at least 2 months.

Please read all the previous posts again. From the start. You can't be friends with her if you want her back. NO CONTACT at all. Being friends is keeping you there.
Please.. we aren't trying to tell you anything that won't help. Learn from my mistakes. I tried to make it work and it only pushes them away. You need to get out of her life. She won't forget you and if she does then she def wasn't worth it was she.
She doesn't need you anymore, at least for the moment. It is just easy for her to have you as a friend but it will be impossible for you to simply have her as a friend and it will kill you in the process.
Do yourself a favour and move on. Its not to say it may never work again but right now you are only digging a hole for yourself that will get harder and harder to get out of.
Not trying to mean but unfortunately it is the truth.. and it hurts. Cry for a while but then you will be OK and find other things to do. It gets easier believe it or not.
Good luck!

Well I told her yesterday that I need some time away right now and she repsected that but proceeded to email me three times. It is tough not to talk to her but I am trying. We also work together at times so that may be diffucult.

You have to realise that first she is a teenager second working together you will have to find a way of dealing with her,since she really has done nothing wrong there is no reason for you to be anything but nice. Those workplace romances have a way of putting a lot of undo pressure on those that engage in them. Good luck!:cool:

I think you sort of answered your own question at the end of your post. Other than that, have you tried talking to her honestly and upfront about your concerns? She may feel like she's ready to move on at this point. Granted, a year is a rather long time to spend with someone and then seemingly abruptly lose interest ; if it had been a month instead then your situation would make a lot more sense. However, she's still young (19, compared to your 31) and may not be ready for anything permanent just yet. Try talking to her and see how she responds. I know you don't want to lose her but be prepared for that possibility.

No contact means no contact - you shouldn't have even said you needed time - it's more powerful if you just cut it off. Say - "ok bye, what ever you want" and leave - no more contact. Set them free.

I am sure returned those e-mails - big mistake.

Takes two to keep the game going.. .

They work together? - well you say hi. And limit the conversation to no more than that - if that. You can't act DESPERATE. Smile - always.

I'm 22 and I have been with the same guy for the past 4 years. Use to we where always togather. So I know from my experence with him you can get tired of always being with the same person and doing the same things. It could be as simple as she wants some time alone and wants to spend more time with her friends. Its always simpler just to ask her what she really wants.

Wildcat-Sorta thought you'd say that,very good advice!:cool:

Well I was nothing but nice to her at work we talked about work and a little about her school. Never brought up anything about us. For the second straight night she sat at home alone. I have been doing other things and haven't been home a lot this week. She also post a blog that she was glad this happened. Is she just trying to piss me off more or do you think she is having second thoughts already?

What difference does it make if your moving on with your life?:cool: :eek: