My ex, father of my child, is now in jail because I finally pressed charges against him for the abuse I dealt with for many years.
I previously had him arrested (about 3 years ago) and he served time for his abuse and I immediately got pregnant after seeing him 'one more time.'

He is up for sentencing for another case and could possibly get 1-3 years with that case, a case of falsifying legal documents in NY.

He has a very bad record, a felon, counts of reckless endangerment, abuse and drugs.

He also has a 6 year old with another woman that I have been abused in front of and she has seen him abuse other woman as well.

I am very afraid of him trying to hurt my child because of his anger with me and/or seeing her and doing things in front of her that I, nor anyone with a reasonable mind, would.

He is not on the birth certificate, has threatened paternity testing and his family tries to remain in contect with me and because I know it is not fair to hold them responsible for his actions, I do keep them updated regarding the baby.
In an honest moment speaking to his mother over the phone I said I was thinking about moving and she said please don't go too far because I want her to know she is loved by us as well. She also asked how he could see the baby and mentioned maybe getting supervised visits.

Any suggestions... what should I do from this point on?

Do you have any documents concerning these issues your talking about ? You need to gather them together. Wait until he's convicted then file for custody. In the agreement you can put in things like supervised visits that are " planned ". And get restraining orders all ahead of time including permanent ones based upon behavior. Also be sure to spell out who does the supervising and what arrangements there will be for visitation. You have time to think it out and while he is in jail it could give him a cooling off period once the idea sinks in.

There is nothing for me to file for at this point from my understanding, after speaking with an attorney at a Family Justice Center, as of now I already have sole custody because I am her only 'legal' parent. He showed up at the hospital and read the affirmation of paternity and put the papers down without signing and there has not been a paternity test to prove him as the father either.
I have documentation and an order of protection already set in place.
It might sound unfair, but he doesn't 'cool down.' and that is what makes me the most afraid.

Let me ask another? what are some things I can do to slow down the process of him asking for a paternity test and do they provide one if he is in jail?

The trouble is of course he can request a court ordered DNA test anytime he wants it. But since there is no custody order, there is no custody to take away, often being in jail is a reason you can use to ask for their rights to be taken away, but since he was never proven to be the father you can not at this time.

But hold on to all the evidence in case that time ever comes

Thank you both for your timely responses.
I am absolutely holding onto all paperwork and charges I have brought against him.

My question still remains, is there anything I can do to slowdown the process of him wanting to file for paternity testing?

Many people use child support as a way to manipulate the situation; however, he pays 25/mth for his first child, so I don't think he is 'afraid' of child support.
I want what is best for my daughter and ultimately that means not exposing her to the dangerous people and/or things in this world and doing whatever I can to prevent her from other people exposing harmful things to her as well.

What are the odds of the courts granting supervised visitation? And how long do those usually last?

Update: he was bailed out... and is pleading not guilty to the charges I pressed against him, even though I have evidence... I was told that many lawyers advise the abusers to take matters like this to trial because the victims won't have the courage to standup to them, face-to-face in court. I can't believe that!!

I am legitimately scared of him now more than ever and would feel greatly relieved if he was in jail. I wonder if there is a way I can speak to someone on his side of the case? Probably not, but I am wondering? Any suggestions?

I'm not sure what you mean about on his side of the case. If you are wanting to talk to his lawyer the answer is a big fat no there are strict attorney client privelages there. Are you one of the people that are supposed to testify in court? If so then don't be one of those people that are too afraid to go through with it.

Update: he was bailed out... and is pleading not guilty to the charges I pressed against him, even though I have evidence... I was told that many lawyers advise the abusers to take matters like this to trial because the victims won't have the courage to standup to them, face-to-face in court. I can't believe that!!!

I am legitimately scared of him now more than ever and would feel greatly relieved if he was in jail. I wonder if there is a way I can speak to someone on his side of the case? Probably not, but I am wondering? Any suggestions?


When you someone on his side, I "assume" you mean his Attorney - ? The answer is no, it would be violation of Attorney/client privilege.

What does the DA say about the situation?

I did mean the attorney, sorry for not being clear.
I assumed it was no, but figured it didn't hurt to see if there was a way.

The ADA that has been assigned to my case says it's pretty clear cut... I have tapes of his threats and have turned them over to her, so if it has to go to trial, there is already evidence. Of course, if I have to testify I will be nervous and scared, but I will. I am no longer going to be anyone's victim.

Again, my first question has still not been answered. Let me re-phrase it:

How can I prove his unfit ways to ensure the courts would grant supervised visitation? And how long do those usually last?

(Of course I know it is the courts final judgement, but I want to line all my ducks in a row... and of course it also goes without saying that I would have to wait for him wanting visitation and filing for it before I proceeded with any of this.)

Are you one of the people that are supposed to testify in court? If so then don't be one of those people that are too afraid to go through with it.

Who else would be able to testify?

I did mean the attorney, sorry for not being clear.
I assumed it was no, but figured it didn't hurt to see if there was a way.

The ADA that has been assigned to my case says it's pretty clear cut... I have tapes of his threats and have turned them over to her, so in the event that it has to go to trial, there is already evidence. Of course, if I have to testify I will be nervous and scared, but I will. I am no longer going to be anyone's victim.

Again, my first question has still not been answered. Let me re-phrase it:

How can I prove his unfit ways to ensure the courts would grant supervised visitation? and how long do those usually last?

(Of course I know it is the courts final judgement, but I want to line all my ducks in a row... and of course it also goes without saying that I would have to wait for him wanting visitation and filing for it before I proceeded with any of this.)


You take ALL the evidence you have - people who are willing to testify, a diary if you kept one, a past history, a criminal records, your own testimony - and the Court will sort it out, see what is important and what is not.

Supervised visitation would last until either one of you went back to Court and changed it - very often the Court will not re-hear a matter within two years.

Good luck.

To prove him unfit you would do just as Judy said bring in his criminal record, and all other proof of his violence. Supervised visitation can be ordered for many different times, in this case the judge would probably order it indefinantly until the father goes back to court to show his good behavior to have it modified. As for who else would testify... were you his only victim? Were there any witnesses?

You are better off retaining your own attorney. A Family Law attorney will know how to deal with the Family Court in your area. They will know how to prepare your case against visitation or at least supervised visitation and may even know how to stall things along.

Again, my first question has still not been answered. Let me re-phrase it:

How can I prove his unfit ways to ensure the courts would grant supervised visitation? and how long do those usually last?


OK your first question has been answered. In a few different ways. See you can't do anything about it until other steps are taken. You had said he's not on the BC.. therefore he currently has NO rights to the child. You had said he refused to sign parentage.. again NO rights. Until such a time as he is established the legal father of the child you can take no actions against him other then to establish paternity. In you were to do that. And gain sole custody. And have stipulations put into the parenting agreement then and only then it can have any effect. The effect lasts till the children are emancipated or your taken back to court to show why its unreasonable and a judge changes it.

I definitely appreciate the answers and will keep the forum posted.
I found out he wants to take it to trial and I am very nervous, but at the same time I know I have nothing to worry about because I am a law-abiding citizen; nevertheless going on the stand terrifies me.
I can't imagine facing him, but I have to... if not for me, for my daughter and all the other women that have dealt with domestic violence and felt like they wanted to take a stand and never found the courage to do so.

I think my questions have been answered so far... I have a few other that has come up...

If my ADA was offering a plea of 9 months and he keeps refusing, if found guilty, what time can he serve.
I read on the net that if there is a history of domestic violence and aggravated harassment occurs, which is what he will be on trial for, it can be found guilty with a charge of a felony?

Also, if I turned over the tapes of his phone calls and my own testimony is there, how could he be found not guilty? In other words, what would he have to prove?

THANKS AGAIN!!

You are better off retaining your own attorney. A Family Law attorney will know how to deal with the Family Court in your area. They will know how to prepare your case against visitation or at least supervised visitation and may even know how to stall things along.


Do you mean even for the case that I am dealing with no, which is criminal aggravated harassment?

Of are you saying in the event he wants to prove paternity and get visitation?

Have you ever heard the phrase "Innocent until proven guilty"? That means that he isn't the one having to prove anything he just has to put enough doubt in the jurys mind that he is guilty. As for the sentencing it really depends. I know of people that were found guilty of a felony and still were only given a couple years with only half of it due. But then again he could get five to ten years again most likey ablt to parole after half the time is served. (good behavior)

Of course I have heard the saying...

I am only asking because I find it hard to believe a jury or judge would find him not guilty of the threats if I have them recorded from the messages he would leave me...

My question is are there any reasons he would be excused for saying the things he did? That's a thought that comes to mind... for example... I was saying it because I was angry because...

I am just one that tries to think about everything and with him Obviously not found guilty yet, I want to know what I will be up against.

You don't need an attorney for the criminal case. The ADA is taking care of that. But you for need one for the Family Court case.

No one can predict what a court or jury will do. But generally (though not always) they get it right.

That is something that can't really be predicted. Of course he will have to have some sort of defence otherwise he would have taken the deal. You seem to have a strong case but like I said I can't predict what the jury will think. I'm not saying he will get off free as a bird but crazier things have happened obviously other wise no one would have any doubts about what would happen.

Thanks for the timely responses...

One last question... what the differing factor whether it goes in front of a jury or judge?
And which will my case go in front of?

The defendant can choose. Generally it's a jury unless they select otherwise.

Can both sides select jury members?

Also, can he change his mind at any point and plead guilty from now until we go to trial?Any advice if we do go to trial, except tell the truth...

Neither side really picks who is on the jury. The jury is set up then each side will have their chance to kind of remove people if they think they are too biased one way or another and the judge generally asks the jury if any of them have already decided which way they are going to "vote" before they have heard any evidence and those members would also be replaced. But it isn't like a school yard draw where each "captain" takes turns picking. (not that you thought)

In a jury trial, the attorneys on each side has a chance to interview and reject jury members from a pool of jurors. Some jurors may be eliminated because of bias (like someone who was an abused spouse). Others can be rejected on the whim of the attorney, they each have a number of challenges they can use.

Yes, he can plead guilty right up until the jury returns their verdict.

I think my questions have been answered so far... I have a few other that has come up...

If my ADA was offering a plea of 9 months and he keeps refusing, if found guilty, what time can he serve.

I read on the net that if there is a history of domestic violence and aggravated harassment occurs, which is what he will be on trial for, it can be found guilty with a charge of a felony?

Also, if I turned over the tapes of his phone calls and my own testimony is there, how could he be found not guilty? In other words, what would he have to prove?

THANKS AGAIN!!!

As far as rejecting a plea.. what that means is he wants to take his chances in a courtroom. i.e. If found guilty he can face anywhere from minimum to maximum sentence. So he could be in for a big surprise when he loses.


As far as raising to a felony. That depends on the laws of your state. Some states have a 3 strikes rule while others don't. So unless your state allows it then you won't know until it happens.

As far as YOUR evidence. Most of it is going to depend on how it was originated. Many times a recording isn't admissible unless both ( all ) parties are aware they are being recorded. Example: He leaves messages on your answering machine. ( that should be allowed ) he's yelling at you and you have a tape recorder in your purse so you turn it on to record what's going on ( most likely not allowed ) Hope that helps

As far as rejecting a plea .. what that means is he wants to take his chances in a courtroom. i.e. If found guilty he can face anywhere from minimum to maximum sentence. So he could be in for a big surprise when he loses.


As far as raising to a felony. That depends on the laws of your state. Some states have a 3 strikes rule while others dont. So unless your state allows it then you wont know until it happens.

As far as YOUR evidence. Most of it is going to depend on how it was originated. Many times a recording isnt admissable unless both ( all ) parties are aware they are being recorded. example: He leaves messages on your answering machine. ( that should be allowed ) hes yelling at you and you have a tape recorder in your purse so you turn it on to record whats going on ( most likely not allowed ) Hope that helps



And in some States recording a conversation without the other person's knowledge is a felony crime. :D

Well thank goodness for me all the messages (probably about 20) I have turned over were voicemails left on my cell and my home phone that belongs to my mother.

I already addressed the issue of being able to submit the tapes as evidence with the ADA and she said they were fine because he left them as a recording...

We are going to trial as of now and I will keep the forum posted.

Again-THANK YOU ALL for your timely and informative responses... even if I might already know the answer it is comforting to hear other's opinions.

Thank you for returning we always like to know how the people we've tried to help are progressing. Good Luck at the trial!