I've been married for 15yrs 2 months ago my husband confessed he cheated with people he met on the internet ,he said he let a married couple give him oral sex and he says he met with a gay guy twice the guy did oral on him and it gets worse he said he did a number2 on the guys chest, he also tries to tell me that these people didn't undress I know crazy but true I've been to the doctor and I'm clean my body that is my mind I'm lost I remember doing laundry in January long before his confession and there was blood in his underwear when I told him this he tried to say it was from eating spicy food, am I that stupid he swears to god he never gave or received anal sex I don't believe him is he gay what is he I feel as if I'm dying please help me.

Ok, using the bathroom on somebodys chest is not gay, that is just a perversion gay people do not do that.

Ok, does it matter, if he was cheating with women or men, he is not faithful I guess I have to ask why with all the things, you are still with him to even worry about it.

He sounds bi-curious. Or perhaps just curious about some things. Sit him down, and tell him that it's safe to tell you what he likes in the bedroom.

And how was my post factually incorrect? Please do not give reddies to advice that was not factually incorrect? You think sitting down with your husband and talking is a bad idea?

Believe me we've talked and this is not some kind of game when you take vows they should be honored or don't take them it is the ultimate betrayel, how would you explain to your 8yr old why daddys not here?

You've never mentioned that you've talked. I can't assume that you have if you haven't given that information. Therefore, AGAIN, my post was not factually incorrect.

Is that what matters, is if your correct or not,I need some serious help I've been a damn good wife I would do anything with my husband except share him but for some reason here we are.

If you are going to use a site, you should know the rules.

But to your question. Have you considered therapy?

Ummm what is the "number2" he did on the guys chest?. what blood in his underwear!! I thought only woman can have that... maybe try to have some exotic moment turn him back to 100% straight then see what happens.

Goodluck

I'm still learning, but yes we did he won't see a therapist unless I'm with him, nothing makes sense.

Then go see a Therapist with him, it could shine some light on what you are confused about with him and vice versa.

I did go with him for 3 months but there are some things he won't talk about with me holding his hand and right now I can't hold his hand,I do have a doctor that I see . And thank-you for caring:) and thank-you again you really do care:)

Mary, I'm not good at sugar coating things, so if I sound harsh I apologize in advance.

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, I'm sure you are angry, hurt, sad, depressed, every negative emotion out there.

Bottom line, he cheated, he admitted to having homosexual encounters and he stepped outside his marriage and his vows to you. Can you live with that? Would it be easier if he had cheated with a female?

I don't think the issue is whether he's gay or bi, I think it's whether you can trust him.

Do you forgive him? Do you think he's being faithful now? Can you live with him for the rest of your life knowing what he did/

If counselling is not an option, the how long before this marriage self destructs? Can you ignore your feelings? If not then you need a solution, and that solution is either forgiveness, communication, understanding and acceptance, or counselling. The only other avenue to travel would be divorce.

I wish you luck, either way you have a tough choice to make.

Hi Mary,

This is a huge hurdle to get over, at the end of the day he's cheated for what ever reason.

Your marriage vows meant nothing, you can chat about it as much as you like but in reality everything is now spoilt...

How can you continue to have any kind of relationship with this man, especially sexually, it will not happen, if it does it will only be glossing over the problem and will rear it's ugly head time and again.

He has upset the foundation of your marriage... all trust is gone, there for in my opinion you have to face the fact that it's over, there is no future for the two of you together .

Although this situation is very sad I feel you have to move on, maybe in the future meet someone who will give you the trust and respect you deserve in life.

Goodluck in what ever you decide.

Three months of therapy is not very long.

I would suggest you CONTINUE to go to therapy with him.

Doesn't matter if he is gay, bi, or tri, cheating is the bottom line, and that brings many trust issues into play. Both of you should stay in therapy, and be patient with the process.

Girl, your marriage is over.

He is so totally unconcerned about bringing a fatal disease(AIDS) home to you that he is almost a monster, in my opinion. There is usually more going on than what a cheating man will reveal to his wife.

Be very careful.

Best wishes in the future,

PS I don't usually read the previous posts; I just answer the questioner's original post, so I missed that you are in therapy. Be sure you don't have sex with this guy until you decide to divorce or not.

i've been married for 15yrs 2 months ago my husband confessed he cheated with people he met on the internet ,he said he let a married couple give him oral sex and he says he met with a gay guy twice the guy did oral on him and it gets worse he said he did a number2 on the guys chest, he also tries to tell me that these people didn't undress i know crazy but true i've been to the doctor and i'm clean my body that is my mind i'm lost i remember doing laundry in january long before his confession and there was blood in his underwear when i told him this he tried to say it was from eating spicy food, am i that stupid he swears to god he never gave or recieved anal sex i don't believe him is he gay what is he i feel as if i'm dying please help me.
Your husband may be gay, bi, or just plain curious. Regardless you seem to be in an unhonest marrige that you should probably end soon.

Look girl, Women facing divorce don't seem to understand that a much better life with better relationships can easily await them... never forget that. :) It is just scary to change.

Hang in there, Mary. :)

Thank-you so much your words are the truth:)

Very directly:

First: You need to get tested for all STD's. Both of you should be tested, but whatever he does, you should continue to care for yourself-physically and mentally. You may want to do this outside of your health insurance loop also--the STD testing.

Keep working on youreslf in therapy, counseling, church, whatever works for you. Whatever the fate of the marriage, you need to recover from the harm caused to you and then, perhaps, be more able to make sensible decisions about your family/marriage.

Best wishes

Gay? Probibly not... wierd? Most definitely. The blood in the underwear might just be hemoroids. You just didn't notice before.

Anal sex does automatically not equal blood in underwear or any place else.

17 years of marriage and never saw blood other than from a hemoroid or her period.

I wonder if the title of this post might better read: "Was my ex-husband gay?"

I admire your commitment but I don't know how you could recover from the realization he is not the man you thought he was. Staying will require a lot of therapy sessions and some major work on his part. Remember: this is NOT your fault. Do what you must to be content.

Yes, he is gay or bi-sexual. Stop spending your time focusing on whether he is gay and spend some time focusing on what you want and what is best for you. I understand you invested 15yrs into this marriage but you don't know how long he has been living a lie. It is best toknow now and not 10, 15 yrs from now. Drown yourself and time into your career, hobby, friends etc. Volunteer at a hospital and spend some time helping others, it will help you to take the focus off your problems. You will probably come across someone struggling with a larger issue and then you will realize you can overcome this. You are a strong woman who gave her heart and life to someone. I am sure there is love there from him. It is not his fault if he needs to experiment or venture down another path and it is not your fault if you are not comfortable with it. Its OK to put yourself and your needs first. Its OK to demand your spouse behave in a way that you can respect. Just take the focus off him and what he's doing and start focusing on you and what you want. Pretty soon you will find it becomes easier and easier to deal with this and make a decision for YOUR life.

I agree that he is either gay or bi. NO straight man would even be able to go down on another man without getting sick. The blood in the underwear: although a lot of people on here would disagree with me but FIRST time anal intercourse will cause bleeding sometimes because the rectal tissue doesn't stretch and bounce back into shape like the vagina does, so its easier to tear and, therefore, bleed. I agree with everyone that says what's important is that he cheated though. Obviously, its taken him some time to figure out what makes him happy and if he is gay or not. I know it took me awhile to figure myself out, once I did I was divorced in a heartbeat to make myself happy. He has figured himself out so he is probably happy now so you should move on. Once he figures out he is gay, you won't be able to do anything for him, plus the trust is gone since he cheated on you. My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck!

I'd think if there was a LOT of blood then there was an issue that needed immediate medical attention. First time Anal MIGHT if it was forced. But personal experience with a number of women over my life is that is not an automatic. Most stools are larger than a mans tool. Go slow and there isn't an issue.

Still that doesn't change the scat thing... thats one of few things that I find truly repulsive rahter than just distasteful.

Maybe I am going to be a bit cold and heartless here... but I would say its time to pack your bags. Start a new.life. And get counseling for a year to recover and consider how and why you are willing to live with someone who it turns out had another life that could have killed you both. If the space brings clarity or realization you should live together again so be it, but he has major unresolved issues that he has confessed mercifully but are torture for you both to sort out under one roof I'd imagine. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing with it all.

Wow everything your saying is true, I just don't know why he's begging me not to divorce him and swears he's in love with me, I told him he's in denial, the trust is gone.

wow everything your saying is true, i just don't know why he's begging me not to divorce him and swears he's in love with me, i told him he's in denial, the trust is gone.

You don't know why he's begging you?

Umm, that is hardly a mystery. People cheat alllllllll the time... and want to come home to their safe haven and the one they have a built bond with allll the time. He can love you and want sex elsewhere... but that is not marriage. That is the titanic unfortunately.

It's more about whether YOU want a divorce. I know it's A LOT to take on at once though. WOW. Revelations. Divorce. I just want to put this in perspective. You are being strong, but are perhaps a little confused at this point... and no wonder!

Thanks ash123 , your right again, it's so much to deal with and try to keep things normal for my son. I do love him but I'm not in love anymore and I can't stand to be around him much less look at him.

Get a good attorney if you split.

It's worth it for later if you have any doubts about getting the life you want.

Make sure to keep us updated! Best of luck to you!

i've been married for 15yrs 2 months ago my husband confessed he cheated with people he met on the internet ,he said he let a married couple give him oral sex and he says he met with a gay guy twice the guy did oral on him and it gets worse he said he did a number2 on the guys chest, he also tries to tell me that these people didn't undress i know crazy but true i've been to the doctor and i'm clean my body that is my mind i'm lost i remember doing laundry in january long before his confession and there was blood in his underwear when i told him this he tried to say it was from eating spicy food, am i that stupid he swears to god he never gave or recieved anal sex i don't believe him is he gay what is he i feel as if i'm dying please help me.

Well I do know how you must feel, because I'm in your situation, just 8 years later. Yes, I've been married for 23 years, but we really haven't had a marriage and he has not touched me for the last 12 years. I think that a lot of men are gay, but can't accept that, and we who fall in love with them, are just bound to be betrayed. I stayed in my marriage for my kids, one of whom was a baby at the time. My mother died when I was young and my father married other women and had other families, so I felt that it was important and that I owed my kids a family. I don't know if this was the right or wrong thing to do. We did go to counseling--both together and separately. I will never get over this, and when I found out, a part of me died. I keep myself busy with my children's activities, work, volunteer work, and any other projects I can sink myself into. He is a good father and financially a good provider, so basically, I tell myself "Don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad." But I don't know what can be more painful.