Hi so I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years. Were madly in love. I grew up with him and I was too young for him to date me so when he got in high school he found his first reall girlfriend.. where he expiernced his first time having sex. Losing his virginty to this girl.but this girl is really trash.not to be mean.but she is trailor trash. Not to catorgorized people but you don't need to act like it if you live in one. It bothers me that he has lost it to her. And I lost it to him.you no? Like we are planning on getting married and I'm 18 he's 21.. not soon well engaged in the next year or two.this girl he hassnt dated for about 4 years but she still is around where I live. She has sex with everyg uy and gets abortions. What is wrong with this girl honestly. She spread her legs to everyone. And it bothers me because killing babies are wrong.and she's done it more then once.. . and like she isn't preetty. And I was just like to him 'waht did you see in her" he tells me he wiish he could take it back and it wasn't that great of a relationship. She was always moody. And was bipolor... also in 05 they weren't together but had sex for the hell of it.like I don't understand that .like they weren't together but had sex. I call him a dirt bag for doing that. I think about her all the time and it ruined me... ill look at her myspace thinking she's pretty but she's not.(if you only new what she looked like) and when I see her I get all act up and my heart pounds.help me give me advice to get over this obsession! Please!

1st. You are young.. DO NOT RUSH INTO GETTING MARRIED!!
2nd. You can't let it bug you. He is with YOU now, not her. YOU "won" she didn't.
3rd. STOP LOOKING AT HER MYSPACE PAGE!! You just torturing yourself
4th. Did I mention you're to you to be getting married? Take your time.. there is no rush.

OK, phew... I'm glad you aren't jumping into it.

You have to try to concentrate on HIM. Not HER. She is in the past. Like I said, think of it this way. You WON. You have him now, not her. She sounds like the biggest loser. As far as his past with her... Guys at age 18 are mostly thinking of sex. Sex sex sex. A man sexual peak is at 18. A woman's... at 40. (odd huh) Im not going to defend or justify is actions... but if you 2 were not together when he slept with her, then you need to let it go and look forward. Every time you start to think of her... look at him or think of him and tell yourself he is yours now. Then immediately look FORWARD. Picture yourself getting married, what kind of house, kids? etc. You need to learn to redirect your thoughts to the positive things of now and the future.

Good luck.

This is about you. Not him. Not her. Its your issue.

I married a great woman. She was pregnant at 19. Engaged once before. A number of partners before me.

Do you think I have a great marriage because I hold my wife's past lovers against her?

My wife is a few year older than me. My previous lover was 8 years younger than me. Should she have held it against me that I had a lover a dozen years younger than her? no.

It is this simple. If you choose to stay with him, you choose it, you choose him. You DO NOT get to punish him for his past. Period.

I really mean that.

I'm not saying you need to marry him. I'm not sure you are ready at this point. Marriage takes a lot of energy. You pick your battles. This battle, seems to me, is either nerves about marriage or issues with self esteem. Or you just hate her and you therefore hate all connected to her.

Am I supposed to be mad my wife was great in bed because shed slept with other men and learned about sex before me? no.

Is my wife neglectful about sex and intimacy because she was raped as a teen? no.

Even the mistakes you make in past relationships teach you.

So he took the easy route with the easy girl once.

How in the world does that reflect upon you? Are there other issues here?

Not trying to be hard on you, but I'm not trying to use soft gloves either. When you choose to be with a mate, you make a choice and you don't punish them for the past.

If you cannot talk it out with him, and you cannot get the heck over the fact he had a past with other lovers, even "icky" ones, then you need to step back. He deserves to be with someone who doesn't punish him for past bad mistakes.

If there's more relevant info, please give it up.

Otherwise, you need to let go of it or him.

Okay this is for 2171. I don't punish him for his past what so ever. Yes I get depressed and I cry and my mom has tried to help me I'm a very personal inclosed person so I found this website and thought it was a good idea to get some ones else opinon I don't even no at all. And I thank all of you. So anyway back to him. His ex. Its not like they liked each other. It was just like a relationship that happened my sis was on cheerleading and so was his sis. And this girl that was desperate just happen to be there.he was a freshman and she was a junior.. just wanting a relationship type of thing. But anyway I had my first childhood crush on him when I was younger and he liked me too but never really told anybody cause he's my brothers best friend.you no.. we grew up together.. so years gon on and they date he was probably 15.turnign 16 and she was 17 18 turning 19.. I dk. But they broke up officially in 05... in the begiinning. So I guess the only thing I wanted was to lose my virginity to some one and for them to lose it tome. And I guess I lost it to him.but he never lost it to me. He tells me he coould take it back if he could.. because he was like to me" it was just a relationship in high school" and he just tries to help me out as best as he can. You no? I wanted to no everything and you no what he told me everything. He says she was crazy and stuff and was always grumpy.. and the only reason he stayed with her was because he didn't no if he couuld find anyone else... but him and I chatted on myspace.. for about a while in 06. They broke up in early 05.. and they still hung out. You no that type of thing. First love.still friends.why not once or twice.but she was having sex with another man. As well. But its not even him.she just bothers me period. Everything.not good looking.trash.and opens her legs to everbody. Me on the other hand I'm very perserve. Its just becaue I'm a higher class level then her. And its true I am.not to sound all y.but I gott to go.ill come back... help me if you can! Thank you

Realize he was young and dumb and now he has grown up and sees the light.
He is with you now not her so DO NOT hold the past against him.
You either love him enough to make it work or you don't! SO if you want to make it work you don't hold things against him. You go with the 'here and now' you and him.
She is past history so unless he has current 'red flags' GET OVER IT for your own sake!
If you keep dwelling on it it could ruin your relationship, then he moves on and you realize what a mistake but then it is TOO late!

My goodness sweetheart. It seems that you are totally obsessed with this girl. The first mistake that you made was asking him about his past situation with this young lady. The keyword in my sentence was past. It is not advantageous for you or anyone to ask someone about their past relationships. Because things like this happen. Generally it is not of this magnitude. Usually women compare themselves to the other woman or ask who was better, but cyber stalking? That is exactly what you are doing when you keep on going to her myspace page. What are you looking for? If your boyfriend is with you then he is with you, but if you keep it up he may not be with you for very long.
From your post about her it seems to me that you may be a little jealous. I think the jealousy runs deeper than her sleeping with your boyfriend. The way that you insult this girl really makes me think that you might be a little intrigued with her lifestyle. I am willing to bet you that in about five years you might start to mirror her lifestyle. I really hope not, but in my experience people that conduct themselves in this manner by judging and casting harsh criticisms tend to fall into that particular lifestyle that they "supposedly" detest.
Be secure with yourself. Stop thinking about what she has that you don't have, because you should have only one answer and that's him. He slept with her, oh well. There is nothing that you can do about. You can not change the past, and seek some counseling.

Good luck

OK... so you aren't punishing him for the past... meaning there's no fighting, no arguments, no tension in your relationship because of this, right? If he is telling you "im sorry", then he feels bad when he shouldn't. He's being punished. You called him a dirtbag. Not good.

Thank God what I did at 14 or 18 or 22 doesn't completely define who I am today. My past is my past. I own it. Can't change it.

You are having issues with self esteem and for some reason you are needing to validate yourself by tearing her down. She could be all of the things you said... but really... let her live her trainwreck of a life. Its hers to live.

And you just cannot do this thing with the virginity talk. Really. Young love is intense and overwhelming, but there's a level of maturity missing here that you need to develop. And I'm really not trying to upset you or attack you. Have no reason to do that. But I am going to say the truth.

The truth is you need to let this go or walk away from him. I think he's familiar to you. I think you have a level of young love that is intense, but unsure and not as developed as what you get with time and perspective. I think if you get married without letting go of all of this noise, you'll be divorced in no time.

My wife is no less of a wonderful mate because she slept with other men before me. Or because she became pregnant as a single college student. Her past is her past and I have no right to judge her. I'm surely not going to call her a dirtbag because she slept with a guy who later became a player. I'm secure in who I am and who I know her to be. We have a wonderful marriage, no matter what noise is in our pasts.

You are creating this conflict yourself. Stop looking her up online. Why do this at all? She is only in your life because you make her present. You need to let go of the "he lost his virginity to someone else" noise. It is the past. Even if you lost yours to him. Get over it. Done. Or walk away.

You don't get to chose to be with him and have all this issues with him. Its not fair to him. Its not good for you.

Either focus on your relationship without this noise in the way or step back.

This is soemthing you truly need to get over if you marry him it will never work if you are not over what he has done in his past everyone has a past and no one can change them no matter what mistakes or things they have done if this is truly brothering you this much and you are having a hard time getting over it then maybe you should try counsleing and talk to someone about it maybe they can help you get over it under and understand it better but the more you obese over this the worse it is gooing to get and onley bring more problems into your relenship and marriage with him when you do marry

Assuming as in most 18 year olds this relationship may or may not work or last, and as you get older the men you will find to date will have had more and more relationsips, perhaps kids with other people and more.

Their past is just that the past, you need to get professoinal help if this is bothering you, since his past can not and will not change So you have to stop even thinking about her.

Kp thank you for your advice.im going to take it. I'm not jealous and I dotn have self esteem issues. But I am going to take your advice and step back. THANK YOU!!

Past is the past...
Do not hold the past against him unless you have a good reason not to trust him now. At least he has been honest with you, but obsessing about these decisions that had nothing to do with you will ruin your future.

Stepping back is a good idea and taking a deep breath...
You have had some real good advice...

Hey shannon

Most of us have some kind of self esteem issues at some point... I didn't say that to offend. The truth is you will find yourself in tough spots, like now, and you've said yourself you've been depressed. You question yourself, lash out at others, etc. it happens.

Maybe its because you were feeling that this good relationship had run its course and it was getting close to time to step back. It happens all the time, but that doesn't make it easier for you.

One thing I want to mention... if you are talking about stepping back, meaning away from this relationship as bf/gf or even just taking some space to think about it, a common relflex is to miss the security of the relationship.

This is commonly interpreted as a person realizing how much they love the other person... when honestly, its often just wanting to not feel like crap. If you step back, do not step back in with both feet unless these issues are resolved.

Too many people get back together, having missed each other, having desired the security of being with another person, and then they get into the same rut, same issues, same old problems.

So step back if you need to.

You are going to need to be able to let go of a partners past. Most interesting people have made more than a few mistakes along the way. Most of us are idiots for a time... then we are just experienced idiots.

And remember what I said about getting back together. Unless the issues that caused the break are solved, by both people, its usually just a second try that ends in the same frustration.

KP! SORRY I didn't mean step back like leave him. I'm going to take yoUR advice to forget it.not him. He means too much to me. Yes I'm 18.and there's plenty of people in the world.but I really think he is the one. I no he is the one. I liked him since I was little and its all weird how it all worked out. Your advice really helped me.like you said I'm going to forget it.and NOT forget him. Also he is in the coast guard and he went to basic training in April for 2 months. I broke up with him to clear my mind and he understood. And I was single just to let things go and I did. I used to be upset so much.and no I'm not so much.accualy reading YOUR advice really helped me... and I appreciate it. Really! It gave me a diff. look. From some one I don't even no at all. And your just not telling me what I want to hear. So that I appreciate!! My mom said it was immature. And I agree. I p robably have some grwoing up to do. Who doesn't you no? So in that case. I'm GOING to forget it.. and if anything comes up where I need your help... I would love it! But I really think I'm going to be on the right path right now! Thank you again!!

FJSMITH. Hi. The only thing I can say I'm jealous of is. Losing its virginity to eacthother other wise... theres no jealousy. Her life style is nothing what I want. I have a dream of a career in dietician and I am going in to the peace corps.so I have that to look forward to.. not getting abortions and what not like she did. Is nothing what I want. I belong to a church group that go around talking to kids about abortions.. obviously I'm catholic. So in that case I would never MIRROR her lifestyle.. the abortions are soemthing she chose what do do a few times and shell have to live with that I guess. I just don't honestly agree with them but a lot of people do it.and I can't do anything about them! But I wanted to clear that up. And like I said to KP.. no jealousy besides that.. I'm going to take all of your advices and let it go.not him. JUST FINALLY LET THE PAST GO. All of this really helped! So in that case talking to a stranger I barely no really helped. Gave me advice that I need!! Thanks!!

Also I really didn't even no how much people would look at this. WOW. It all really helped. I thought it was some stupid website but it turned out to be something that will change myself for the better. I really can't thank you enough and I'm feeling so much better already. REALLY!

KP.back to yourself esteem what girl doesn't have self esteem. I weight 110 pounds and what girl doesn't say omg "im fat" I really shouldn't think this.becasue I run and I work out.. I belong to a gym. But don't think I'm aneroxic or belemic or however you spell them. I'm not I am a vegetarian.. and I eat organic. So I just really watch what I eat. I eat healthy and stuff because I want to be a personal fitness trainer as well.. so I do not want be some over weight person behind a desk telling people.. they need to change there lifestyle when I look bad. You no.. I IN MY MIND want to look good for that job when I approach it! So it makes me feel good! You no?

110 is not fat and your boyfriend must love you so always give him the benefit of the doubt unless he gives you definite reasons to not trust him. Things aren't always what they seem to be so trust him. Leave the past go and forget that girl.

Well I no. but I was justing everyone girl thinks there fat or something is wrong with tehre body.and I'm going to leave the past alone. Felling better already.thanks to all your advices! :)

Your bf's past did not ruin you, your attitude toward a past you had no control over, had nothing to do with the situation back then & had no legitimate reason to be involved in those past choices made by others as was their right is what is contaminating your present & making a good future impossible. You weren't together, so he had the option of making the choices he did & regrets now. If you keep making her a part of your life after they broke up & he obviously wants nothing more to do with her, then you are only hurting yourself, your boyfriend & your relationship with him much more than anything they did together could if you didn't give it so much power over you.

Why don't you take the time you are devoting to thinking about a past that can't be changed or obssessing about her to learn more about love really is, how good relationships work so you can put that knowledge to good use for your benefit instead? There is a ton of really great materials out there to help you do that. I just posted a long list of some in the thread on being ready for marriage.

Put your time to good use & let her go, he has & you need to in order to have the best life you can & deserve to have. She has no part in that & keeping her in your mind & hearts will keep all sorts of good things out that need to be there instead.

Good Luck!

Dear Shannon,

I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my guy for almost 4 years now. For the first 3 1/2 years, it really upset me that he'd been with another girl in that way.. (and she was nasty and "loose" like your b/f's ex). It got so bad that I was crying myself to sleep almost every night thinking/obsessing about it, and my boyfriend considered breaking up with me because he thought I'd be happier without him & that stress. I am saving myself until after we get married, and it hurts that he didn't have that same consideration for his future wife, even if he didn't know who she'd be. I always wanted someone who was a virgin, and who respected himself and his future wife enough to save that special experience just for that one person.

Unfortunately, he is not a virgin, and I was completely in love with him before I found that out, too. It will always hurt me, and part of me will always feel like "another notch in his belt," or like I'm in second-place, you know? I hate the thought that his future experiences with me might jog memories of her, and the act itself is now less special because he's been there & done that. But I have to see past that in order to be happy with this man. He doesn't treat me like another notch in his belt-- he treats me like I'm in first place, and no one else could even come close enough to compare to me. He is now nearly-perfect except for this flaw, and I've always known that he's the one for me. He is very sorry about his past, and he regrets it. He wishes he'd never done it, because it didn't help to make him a better person at all. Doing that just propelled him further into his past icky lifestyle. But he apologizes for it every time it creeps up on me, and he assures me that although I might not be his only one ever, I'm the only one who is actually special to him in that way. He did things with her because of peer pressure and his insecurity, but he will do that with me because he loves me & we will be completely committed to each other in marriage. I'm the one with whom that act will have real significance to him, and I'm the one with whom he will plan his future, have a family, and share his whole life. She was just a dirty speed bump, a stupid huge mistake. I had to learn to let him get up & stay up after tripping over her, let him brush that dirt off, and continue on with me.

I recently read a book ("Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen- maybe you should check it out), which helped me learn to be better at forgiving. It's the only way to get past this sticky point. Actually, after reading that book & forgiving him, our relationship was suddenly so much happier and more loving that he proposed to me! You have to forgive your b/f, and distract yourself when you start thinking about the fact that he's been there with someone else. I think there will always be a bit of resentment there--I know it's always there with me-- but you have to look past it. It will come up on you from time to time, but talk to him about it and allow him to reassure you. Let his honest words touch your heart.

If you're Christian, perhaps getting baptized will help. My fiancé and I will be doing this sometime before we get married. I know it's just symbolic, but if you get baptized together, maybe it'll be easier to remind yourself to forgive him each time those thoughts creep up on you. It will symbolize the cleansing of his body & soul after mistreating them by being with that other girl, and it will symbolize ultimate loving forgiveness. If God can forgive that sin, shouldn't we try to do the same? Oh, and maybe after getting baptized, maybe you could try to abstain until you're married--just so that it can have a little more significance when you are married.:)

My sister also made a good point one time when I was crying about this: No one can change the physical fact that he's not a virgin, but isn't a change of heart more important? My fiancé loves me, he sees his mistakes for what they are, and he has repented them.

I'm sorry this post is so long... I just know where you're coming from. I hope you can let it go enough so that you can be happy with your boyfriend. Forgiveness is a humbling thing. It's so difficult, but so worth just swallowing your pride and forgiving his huge mistake (keyword: mistake).

If God can forgive that sin, shouldn't we try to do the same? Oh, and maybe after getting baptized, maybe you could try to abstain until you're married--just so that it can have a little more significance when you are married.




Wow.no its okay that it was a long blog.or whatever. I accually started to tear up. The whole forgiving thing is true. Yes he's done that and been there. And he says to me "shannon i was 16.young.stupid and in highschool" and he's right... since him and I have known each other for the longest time. Him and I are really serious. I mean yes I'm 18.. young I no.but that's where you start. I love him and he loves me.. he tells me he didn't feel like this to anyone even her{the person he lost his virginity to} he wants to get engaged within the next year or 2 because we both want to be with each other. As you said you used to stay up crying... I used to do that all the time.ALL THE TIME... I used to say to him I can't do it anymore and he would cry. I mean cry. And all I would do is cry to because without him I was really depressed. When my boyfriend went to bootcamp for the coast guard in the time he was there . I broke it off with him to clear my mind. Yes I changed things to let the fact he was in another serious relationship and lost his virginity to her. But I stopped crying at night... and after being on this website for like 3 or 4 days. All of your post really turned me in a diff. direction. You and this KP person really helped me out. Especially you because you went through it. And I'm finally healing. I really love the idea of the baptized situation. And staying abstain. Until we are married... and I'm going to go to barns and noble on my day off to look for this book! This should even help me more. And what I wanted to say to you is.. if you can do it. I can do it. And like I said this website was like a huge 360 spin for me. When the KP person wrote that to.. saying it was about me, not him. Not her... its true. She was his past and I don't have to live with it. Its my choice to be with him and we really love each other to make it work. I'm the one making her present when I shouldn't. So lately since this site. I haven't thought about her.. as much. Yeah its not going to heal in a week.but in time it will and I'm FINALLY GETTING THERE!! So thank you for your advice and helping me out so much. CONGRATS on your engagement. My sis just got engaged too.its very exciting!! :)

most of us who have any kind of decent answer did not receive divine wisdom from the heavens.

we stepped in emotional "crap", probably many times over.

eventually you get tired of the mistakes you make and you modify your behavior. Or you keep stepping in it...

the suggestion to read through books is great. Don't be a person who tries to live your life by the latest "survey" in a mag... don't overanalyze things when sometimes the simplest answer is best... but reading about relationships from different perspectives helps you see with a greater vision. Another book I've been recommending is Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages... talks about how people express commitment to each other, but sometimes fail to see the actions the other is taking. Easy read. Simple enough. Easy to apply to how you approach your mate and how you can understand his and your natural needs, desires, and expressions of love in a relationship.

All right ill have to take a look at them!

Again, got to agree with KP! I also highly recommend the Five Love Languages as well as Chapman's Apology book.

Being the right partner is as important as finding the right partner. I posted a lot of wonderful resources that you could check out on the "ready for marriage?" thread posted here:

[https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/ready-get-married-251408.html

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you all know your advice is really all working.and I'm doing so much better.when I start thinking about her. I just have faith with god and I just go on the website and read all of what you guys wrote to me! So I'm "healing"! Thanks everyone. Sorry I don't write much. Ill be back I fyou respond! Thanks again

Shannon