I have a problem, my boyfriend looks at porn way too much! It doesn't matter how much sex I give him, he still does it. This, as far as I know, is not something that he has always done, at least not this frequently. The worst part is that he lies about it! I have tried to talk to him about it and he gets really angry, won't answer any of my questions(no matter how calm I am about it) and does not tell me ANYTHING. He gets so angry and then turns the whole thing around and blames me for fighting with him, even when I say "look, I know you are doing it just tell me the truth, Im not mad at you"
He does not know I know how much he is doing it, and it really is starting to make me feel insecure, like Im not good enough.( I could understand it if I was fat and not attractive, but Im not! I am in shape and am doing my best to get in even better shape because of this, its really messing with my head!) I just don't get it, and it really hurts me that he would rather look at porn the minute I leave. The part that hurts the most is the lies ( why does he lie about it?) and the fact that I started to give him more sex to see if it would stop, and its not stopping.

Im getting really sick of it and I can't even say anything!
We have just moved to vegas and Im wondering if it is affecting him? I just don't know what to do and it is really hurting me more and more every day. We have had our ups and downs in our relationship and have even broken up a couple of times, but we always seem to get back together. I really love him and he says he loves me and don't want anything to come between us but I don't trust him now because of the lies about the porn, so it makes me wonder what else he lies about. How do I deal with this? How do I talk to someone who is IMPOSSIBLE to talk to, gets mad and lies?
How do I deal with this? Do I let it go or do I say something and cause a fight? And if I cause a fight he threatens to break up with me to get out of it.

I am so hurt by this and am desperate for some answers as to how and what to do about this. Communication is not something he is good at specially if he gets "busted" and does not want to talk about it.
HELP! Im at my wits end and need some answers.

Stop having sex with him until he begs you to.. [maybe]
Talk to him about it. If he starts getting mad about it stop. Let it be.
You don't like him watching porn ignore him, if you can't than take a break from this relationship.

Though guys watching porn are normal..

I'm sorry if ican't help.

This is a mistake many women make. A guy watching porn has absolutely nothing to do with the woman, how she looks or how she is in bed.

Guys are visual, we like to see naked women. It doesn't matter if we married Christy Brinkley or Roseanne Barr.

Don't make the mistake of thinking it has to be you or porn. They are totally separate things in a guys mind.

I am a women and I understand how you feel, but I think you are making a big deal out if it. The reason that he lies about it is that he likes to do this but he also knows that YOU don't like it. Maybe he lies because he does not want you to feel bad. Try not to take it personally, it might be something temporary that will lessen by time. But if you argue a lot about it, it will affect your relationship. I have a suggestion, I would sit and watch the porn with him if I were you. I know we women do not like porn as men do, to me it is disgusting and I perefe to watch a romantic movie to turn me on rather than porn, but if you love him you might try looking at the world from his eyes instead of forcing him to be what you program him to be. We all have our shortcomings that we do not want our partner to know about, or we expect them to ignore them. A human being is not an angel, what makes a man attractive is a mixture of good and evil that nature has created. If he is not after other wemon and only likes to watch porn, just let him do it, it is not cheating, and it does not mean you are not good enough. Good for you to be so in shape, keep well, and let him have his privacy for a while or watch the porn with him. I am sure he will not watch it that often after a while. Good luck!

The thing with guys is that they like to have there own private space where they could just do whatever they want without any explanation or limitations. Its not about how you look or how many times you do it, it about his ME time. Obviously he doesn't want to talk about it so just give him his privacy and let it be. Just think about it would you prefer for your man to look at porn or to be unfaithful? So just give the man a break just as long as your sex life is not going downhill I don't think you should make this a problem.

YOu aren't powerless in life, girl, you have the capacity to get what you want out of life and what kind of man you want. Never forget that; you can make happiness for yourself or make the opposite through passivity.

There are several articles out about how porn is harmful to young men... look them up on the internet if you are interested.

Hope you have a very happy life going forward. :)

At the same time... why would you "fight" about him watching porn? Is this affecting the relationship in any way? Does he ignore you... is your sex life being hurt by it? Of course he's going to lie to you about porn... who wouldn't? That's his "private" time... if anyone started asking you about how your last cycle went... wouldn't you lie?. or actually, you'd probably not say much, right?

It's awkward to talk about him watching porn. Yes, there are harmful effects of watching porn... and porn addiction is a serious condition, however, I feel that if this isn't affecting your relationship, leave it be.

This is a mistake many women make. A guy watching porn has absolutely nothing to do with the woman, how she looks or how she is in bed.

Guys are visual, we like to see naked women. It doesn't matter if we married Christy Brinkley or Roseanne Barr.

Don't make the mistake of thinking it has to be you or porn. They are totally seperate things in a guys mind.

It is interesting to know... I still do not understand men. Could you also explain how it goes, if you love the women you are living with why you enjoy watching naked women or even waking in the street your head turns towards a half naked women in the street? Doesn't that mean that the woman you are walking with is not attarctive to your eyes? (by you I mean you men, not you personally) I would be happy if you reply to this thanks :)

... you're telling me you don't watch a movie and find Brad Pitt or Pierce Brosnan attractive?

It is interesting to know... i still do not understand men. could you also explain how it goes, if you love the women you are living with why you enjoy watching naked women or even waking in the street yur head turns towards a half naked women in the street? Doesn't that mean that the woman you are walking with is not attarctive to your eyes? (by you i mean you men, not you personally) I would be happy if you reply to this thanks :)
Like smoothy said, men are visual. It has nothing to do with you if he sees a pretty woman while he is with you. Note: "he is with YOU."

He doesn't compare other women to you. His brain in divided into two parts: other women and YOU, and the two parts don't mix together.

Every woman that has a huge issue with porn and wants their partner to give it up should in return give up romance novels, chick flicks, romantic comedies, and anything else that gives unrealistic expectations of romance.

I'd be more upset about him lying than about the porn--and it seems to me that you are.

Have you explained that to him? Have you said "Look honey--I don't care that you watch porn. I just want you to NOT lie to me".

However, if you have a problem with porn at all, no wonder he lies about it.

You have 3 choices that I can see:
1. Stay with him and accept that porn is going to be a private and not discussed part of his life, and NEVER bring it up or be upset about it again
2. Leave, because you can't live with the porn at all.
3. Nag at him about it until he leaves because he's tired of hearing about it.

You can't change him. YOu can only change you.

It is interesting to know... i still do not understand men. could you also explain how it goes, if you love the women you are living with why you enjoy watching naked women or even waking in the street yur head turns towards a half naked women in the street? Doesn't that mean that the woman you are walking with is not attarctive to your eyes? (by you i mean you men, not you personally) I would be happy if you reply to this thanks :)

Because looking at naked women has absolutely nothing to do with love. Its not an emotional thing at all for us. My wife for example will point out the women with big boobs walking by to me. Or a really hot looking woman. And she spots them before I do half the time. What she knows is I come home with her every night because I chose her. She also knows half of those knock out women don't have the best of attitudes most of the time. She also knows that there is always a more beautiful woman out there. It don't matter who you are. Your looks might get his attention at first... but its your personality that wins his heart and keeps it.

Many women like to oogle at Prada bags and shoes even if they know they won't buy them. Guys like to see good looking women, they know they aren't going to have any of them but that doesn't make them any less enjoyable to look at.

Now just to be clear I'm talking looking alone... there will be a tiny percentage of guys that will wander off to talk with them, most are content just to look.

...you're telling me you don't watch a movie and find Brad Pitt or Pierce Brosnan attractive?
Not really! I mean, I find them attractive as human beings, just as I find Zeta Jones attarctive as a woman. Is this the same for men? Why do I feel my feelings are so pure and those of men are dirty? You know I understand what girlsconfused feels, my husband does not watch porn, not after he got narried, he watched it before and he never minded talking about it, he even showed me the vedios, a couple of times, but then he stopped watching them. It is interesting that I was not unhappy if he watched porn, I did not feel I am not attarctive, but if we were in the street and he turned and looked at an attarctive girl, I felt very humuliated or if a friend of mine wore open clothes and he treated her nicly and charming, then later if we wanted to have sex, I thought he was turned on by that women, not me. I also think that when a women says, a manis attractive, she just means they look good, but when a man says a women is attractive, it means they like to sleep with her. I am sorry I say this, it must be wrong, but that is the way I feel and it bothers me. I know I should not think that way about men, perhaps they are just attarcted and do not have any dirthy thoughts at all, or those who have dirty thoughts are minor people who might be sick and normally men just like to watch pretty women and that is normal.

Because looking at naked women has absolutely nothing to do with love. Its not an emotional thing at all for us. My wife for example will point out the women with big boobs walking by to me. Or a really hot looking woman. And she spots them before I do half the time. What she knows is I come home with her every night because I chose her. She also knows half of those knock out women don't have the best of attitudes most of the time. She also knows that there is always a more beutiful woman out there. It don't matter who you are. Your looks might get his attention at first....but its your personality that wins his heart and keeps it.

Many women like to oogle at Prada bags and shoes even if they know they won't buy them. Guys like to see good looking women, they know they aren't going to have any of them but that doesn't make them any less enjoyable to look at.

Now just to be clear I'm talking looking alone.....there will be a tiny percentage of guys that will wander off to talk with them, most are content just to look.

Thank you for your reply. It is good to know what is in a man's mind. :)

Like smoothy said, men are visual. It has nothing to do with you if he sees a pretty woman while he is with you. Note: "he is with YOU."

He doesn't compare other women to you. His brain in divided into two parts: other women and YOU, and the two parts don't mix together.

You put it so nicely, thanks!

To respond to some of your coments, Im not making it a big deal Im just getting tired of it and don't like the way it makes me feel and what kind of relationship do we have if I am being lied to? Its being lied to that Im so upset about. Not to mention he is starting to do it 2 times a day and Im wondering if he has become addicted to it.

All Im asking for is how to deal with this in a adult way so that BOTH of us are happy. I don't want to have to deal with this later when Im older and have more wrinkles, I have a feeling it will bother me more when I don't look as good as I do now. Why can't he be happy seeing me naked? Its not like I don't get naked for him all the time. I would have no problem making a porn with him if he "has" to do it so much.
In fact I offered and he said no. So,
I don't get it, Im open to spicing up our sex life( and on occasion have done new things), why won't he do it with me? Lying and not doing it with me is what hurts so bad. Im not a prude, however there are some things that I just won't do and he had never asked to do them. I think its pretty bad when your man has to wack off to porn when he has a perfectly naked girlfriend who, if he asked, would do these things with him. So, not only am I hurt but Im pissed too!

Deep down inside, your boyfriend probably loves you. However, he is suffering from an addiction to pornography. Most likely he wants help, but doesn't know how to ask for it. Pornography can be very destructive to relationships because it warps men's perspective of women.

If you try to talk to him about it, he'll deny it because he is too ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. Some people say the best thing to do is remove all access to pornography. Magazines, pictures, internet, video.

Impure thoughts are seeded at a young age, and from their they begin to grow. Healing your mind from these thoughts can be a very long and difficult process, but in time
Someone can heal from it.

My advice is to set yourself free from the relationship, and when he realizes you're gone he'll think about his mistakes and make a commitment to heal himself for the better. Just remember, his spirit is suffering too.

I think the problem is with yourself esteme and not him looking at porn. Try and force him to do something to compensate for your own weaknesses will only cause problems and resentment from him.

Listen, he chose to be with you... there are plenty of women out there he could easily be with if that's what he wanted. Try not to drive him into leaving because you have insecurities. He's not fooling around on you. That would be totally different if he was.

Looking at porn isn't an addiction unless he's spending hour after hour every day doing it. Otherwise more than 20 minutes browsing the women's apperal section at the mall would be an addiction as well if you didn't really need new clothes.

I think the problem is with your self esteme and not him looking at porn. Try and force him to do something to compensate for your own weaknesses will only cause problems and resentment from him.

Listen, he chose to be with you...there are plenty of women out there he could easily be with if thats what he wanted. Try not to drive him into leaving because you have insecurities. He's not fooling around on you. That would be totally different if he was.

Looking at porn isn't an addiction unless he's spending hour after hour every day doing it. Otherwise more than 20 minutes browsing the womens apperal section at the mall would be an addiction as well if you didn't really need new clothes.

I do not understand why you compare window shopping to watching porn? I guess you want us to understand why men watch porn. However, as a woman, I only go shopping when I need to and look at the places I know I can find something. But yes some women like it, but I do not think they do it twice a day, or if you ask them if they did they won't hide or lie about it. There is something about porn which is embaressing. A women's feeling insecure depends on how safe she feels in her relationship. If your wife talked about other men's success and compared you to them you would feel unsecure no matter how confident you were. I do not want to say that men should not watch porn at all, but I believe that when in a relationship, out of respect or love, they should not watch it so often it it makes the other person uncomfortable or insecure.

And if we look at things we cannot pay for, inside we think, one day I am going to buy this beautiful piece of furniture, or what if I had this furniture?" Do you have the same thing in mind when you look at women? ", do you think, I will someday get a women like this, or I wish I could sleep with her? If yes, then it is wrong, and if no, then window shopping is not comparable with porn... lets just admit that some men, are addicted to porn, it might not mean that they are not happy with the women they are with, but it means they have some shortcomings or unfinished business that they are compensating for by watching porn. Anyway, I guess our friend should not stay in this relationship if her boyfriend does not pay attention to her feelings, she says it is twice a day, then maybe it is really addiction, and it has lasted for a long time. If he does not feel resposible for his relationship he should better leave it.

However, I also feel, and it might be wrong that girlsconfised's view is wrongm since she herself, judges people by apearence and she says she would spect it from her boyfriedn to watch porn if she were fat! Whish I believe is wrong, it is even worse...

...you're telling me you don't watch a movie and find Brad Pitt or Pierce Brosnan attractive?

Watching a movie and incidentally finding someone attractive is one thing; looking for a movie of someone you find attractive performing coitus is slightly different.

I do not understand why you compare window shopping to watching porn? I guess you want us to understand why men watch porn. However, as a woman, I only go shopping when I need to and look at the places I know I can find something. But yes some women like it, but I do not think they do it twice a day, or if you ask them if they did they won't hide or lie about it. There is something about porn which is embaressing. A women's feeling insecure depends on how safe she feels in her relationship. If your wife talked about other men's success and compared you to them you would feel unsecure no matter how confident you were. I do not want to say that men should not watch porn at all, but I believe that when in a relationship, out of respect or love, they should not watch it so often it it makes the other person uncomfortable or insecure.

And if we look at things we cannot pay for, inside we think, one day I am going to buy this beautiful piece of furniture, or what if I had this furniture?" Do you have the same thing in mind when you look at women? ", do you think, I will someday get a women like this, or i wish I could sleep with her? If yes, then it is wrong, and if no, then window shopping is not comparable with porn....lets just admit that some men, are addicted to porn, it might not mean that they are not happy with the women they are with, but it means they have some shortcomings or unfinished business that they are compensating for by watching porn. Anyways, I guess our friend should not stay in this relationship if her boyfriend does not pay attention to her feelings, she says it is twice a day, then maybe it is really addiction, and it has lasted for a long time. If he does not feel resposible for his relationship he should better leave it.

However, I also feel, and it might be wrong that girlsconfised's view is wrongm since she herself, judges people by apearence and she says she would spect it from her boyfriedn to watch porn if she were fat! whish I believe is wrong, it is even worse ...

Well, my wife for one likes looking at clothes for hours on end even if she isn't shopping for clothes. I however am one of the guys that knows what I need, I go in get what I need and leave. Unless I happen so see some nice sale items along the way and I might stop a look a moment or two.

Guys are visual, we are wired to like looking at naked bodies. Even if we aren't shopping we might look, doesn't mean there is anything past looking.

Just because to day you have it free on the internet and 30 years ago we had to buy magazines and hit peep shows because VCRs weren't in the home yet doesn't mean its now suddenly an addiction. That's a term that's grossly overused when it doesn't apply. People have caffine addiction, drug addiction, etc and they suffer real measurible physiological reactions to not getting what they are addicted to. Guys might get bored, and downright ticked off if some women demands they stop just like being told you can't watch the ball game. That isn't addiction.

Are people addicted to reading the newspaper? You do it predictibly every day? See my point.

I'm not saying NOBODY gets addicted to porn... or anything else out there. Some person is likely to be addicted to anythiing. Even Ice Cream of other stupid stuff.

Doesn't mean everyone that likes something is addicted to it.

There are a lot of people out there with controlling mentalities both men and women who feel they not only should control someone but have the right to do it.

That's the root of the reall issue.

I can see that we are all passionate about this subject. Yes, I may have some self esteem problems, no bodies perfect, however looking at clothes in the mall NEVER hurt anyone.

And I think that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. YOu can't compare porn with looking at clothes. Clothes isn't lusting after another person, porn IS. And you seem to be forgetting the LIE. Look, I know he's not dead. I know he looks at other women! I look at other men, the difference is that when I look at other men I Don't LUST AFTER THEM, I don't want to see them naked or have sex with them. There is a difference. Even I can appreciate another beautiful woman, sometimes I spot them before he does.
That is not what my post is about, its about the LIE! No, I don't really care for the porn it hurts that he doesn't wait to do it with me. He is giving a part of himself away that he said was saved for me, and that is a lie. Its bad enough I know about this and can't say something to him, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. But why is it OK for me to feel that way?
All I can say about this is I don't have a problem with the occasional porn jack session, everyone takes care of themselves from time to time, it's the fact that it is 2 times a day and it is starting to affect our sex life, he can't with me but he can sure do it when he looks at porn. ANd if anyone out there thinks that isn't going to mess with your women's head, you are completely WRONG.
Yes, I am starting to wonder if he is addicted, he is poisoning his mind as to what women are all about. Point is there is healthy porn and then there's a problem with porn. I just don't know how to deal with the problem. If we are to be a team, the line has to be drawn somewhere otherwise one person's happy and the other is not. There's no "I" in team and if it bothers your woman and you know it, at least keep it to a minium.

You are the one making the assumption that guys lust after every single naked female they see. They don't.

Listen to what you are saying in this last post. Seriously. Take a step back and read it again. Now pretend it was someone else that wrote it. Can't you see what we are saying here. You don't see a seriously controlling behaviour? Everything you might feel isn't right. You need to see and accept that fact.

Looking at clothes and shopping are exactly what many women do obsessively and for excessive periods. Even when they aren't needing anything.

Why? Because they like to look at stuff. No different that guys likeing to see naked women... cars and sports.

Listen to your last two sentances...

If we are to be a team, the line has to be drawn somewhere otherwise one person's happy and the other is not. There's no "I" in team and if it bothers your woman and you know it, at least keep it to a minium.

Who died and elected you queen... after all, last I checked he is a mature adult and is entitled to his own decisions. Remember your words...
There's no "I" in team and if it bothers your woman and you know it, at least keep it to a minium.

That applies to you as well. And there is no doubt your behaviour is bothering him a great deal. Seriously read your post... its all about what YOU want, he has to do what YOU demand... and its not YOU who has to change because YOU aren't doing anything wrong. Its everyone else. The world doesn't revolve around YOU. There are other people in it, everyone a master of their own destiny.

Sorry if its not what you want to hear... but don't expect something from others when you refuse to do the same thing. And that starts with micromanaging the lives of other mature adults. Seriously I see major issues here. Seek counseling over your obsessive need to control others. You wouldn't enjoy it much if he was the one making all sorts of demands that you do everything his way now. As in what you read, what you watched, who you talked to, what you dressed etc... Would you?

IM not telling him what he can do and not do, he does what he wants. I don't like being lied to! I haven't even given him any grief for this, all I did was ask for him to not do is so much and to be with me instead... is that so bad? Its not all about me here, I don't ask for that much. All Im asking for is not to be lied to!!
Micro manage? WHATEVER! You have some nerve. Do you like to be lied to? And if I were doing something that hurt him I would stop it... and I don't even expect him to stop!

I think girlsconfused, you should think to yourself, do you want to have this relationship or not? I mean it is your choice. If he was addicted to drugs, would you leave him? Or would you rather stay with the man you loved and helped him to get treated? You should talk to him about this and tell him that,"there is something I want to talk to you about, but I do not want you to feel bad and guilty or get annoyed by me because I love you so much and it is very hard for me to talk about it, the thing is that: it might be normal for a man to watch porn, but I feel worried about our relationship and I do not want to lose you. Please do not tell me that you don't watch porn because I know you do and it breaks my heart when you lie to me. What I want from you is to watch porn less and spend more time for us. I want you to this for both of us. I undesratnd that men are visual and they just like to watch naked women, I really do not want you to lose your privacy, but I have tried so hard and cannot be fine with it. I don't know what to do? If I tell you not to do it, you will feel I am trying to control you, and if I don't say anything, I feel miserable and sad in our relationship and cannot pretent to be a lover. We have many good things together and I want you to see which is more important to you, watching porn, or losing this relationship that we have worked on for such a long time? I would stop something I like to do if I knew it would hurt you, and I want you to do the same for me. Is that too much to ask? Will you do this for me? please do not let us fall apart...

Something like that might work, but putting him on a trial and teling him that he is a sick person who is watching porn all the time and is irresponsonsible and is a lier will just make him angry.

Good luck, please calm down and try to solve the problem, it seems you like this guy and it is not easy for you to leave him, which I do not understand why? If he is such a sick person into your eyes you should be able to leave him, unless you are addicted to him! Think about it. Anlayze your relationship and think if you want to be in it or not and decide wisely.

IM not telling him what he can do and not do, he does what he wants. I dont like being lied to! I havent even given him any greif for this, all I did was ask for him to not do is so much and to be with me instead........is that so bad? Its not all about me here, I dont ask for that much. All Im asking for is not to be lied to!!!
Micro manage? WHATEVER! you have some nerve. Do you like to be lied to? And if I were doing something that hurt him I would stop it...........and I dont even expect him to stop!Do you account for every minute of your day to him, for every penny you spend... for every trip you make? If you don't isn't that lying to him? Most certainly by your "rules".

The problem he as an adult is doing something he wants to do isn't the issue here. You want to control what he does. You are trying to deflect attention from your real issue. Control.

He is an adult. He has the right to look at some porn without getting permission from anyone first.

He isn't cheating, he isn't gambling... he isn't drinking, he isn't taking drugs.

Listen to yourself. Listen to what you are saying... listen to your tone.

If that was him making demands of you like this what would you think? I'll tell you what you would think... you'd be here bellyaching about him trying to run every aspect of your life... so that would be different exactly how?

Sorry, you are just reinforcing what I see as a controlling behaviour, and a tantrum because he has the nerve to do something on his free will like any other adult.

You obviously don't want to hear it but that's exactly what I see based on the information you have provided us.

Do you account for every minute of your day to him, for every penny you spend...for every trip you make? If you don't isn't that lieing to him? Most certainly by your "rules".

The problem he as an adult is doing something he wants to do isn't the issue here. You want to control what he does. You are trying to deflect attention from your real issue. Control.

He is an adult. He has the right to look at some porn without getting permission from anyone first.

He isn't cheating, he isn't gambling....he isn't drinking, he isn't taking drugs.

Listen to yourself. listen to what you are saying...listen to your tone.

If that was him making demands of you like this what would you think? I'll tell you what you would think...you'd be here bellyaching about him trying to run every aspect of your life.....so that would be different exactly how?


Sorry, you are just reinforcing what I see as a controling behaviour, and a tantrum because he has the nerve to do something on his free will like any other adult.

You obviously don't want to hear it but thats exactly what I see.

How are you so sure about this smoothy? You said some men can get addicted to porn, didn't you, so may be he is? What if he is, it is like being addicted to drug, people who get adicted get selfish and they do not see the mistake they are making. So I was wondering how you conclude that she is wrong and controlling and he is just normal. She does not say anything about his other activities, like if he would play golf or watched TV all the time, she would not be mad, but he is acting differently due to watching porn and it is affecting their sex life...

Thank you Shaadow! That is what I have been looking for. And I don't think he is sick, if you remember in my last posts I also have looked at porn myself, so I don't think its sick. It just hurts that it have become so frequent, the lies and without me, I just can't take the lies.

I do love him otherwise I would not have been so hurt or come here to get some help. I want to work on it with him, Im not attacking him ( as it might seen I am, Im angry yes, but mostly hurt so if it comes across as attacking him, that is not what I want to accomplish. That is why I have not said anything to him. I don't want him to think that I am attacking him and I don't want to lose him or make him feel ashamed. I know it is a delicate subject and it is important to me that he isn't made to feel ashamed. that's not love.) he deserves better treatment than that.

Thank you Shaadow! That is what I have been looking for. And I dont think he is sick, if you remember in my last posts I also have looked at porn myself, so I dont think its sick. It just hurts that it have become so frequent, the lies and without me, I just can't take the lies.

I do love him otherwise I would not have been so hurt or come here to get some help. I want to work on it with him, Im not attacking him ( as it might seen I am, Im angry yes, but mostly hurt so if it comes across as attacking him, that is not what I want to accomplish. That is why I have not said anything to him. I dont want him to think that I am attacking him and I dont want to lose him or make him feel ashamed. I know it is a delicate subject and it is important to me that he isnt made to feel ashamed., thats not love.) he deserves better treatment than that.

I am happy if I helped. I wish you all the best. Good luck!

How are you so sure about this smoothy? You said some men can get addicted to porn, didn't you, so may be he is? what if he is, it is like being addicted to drug, people who get adicted get selfish and they do not see the mistake they are making. So I was wondering how you conclude that she is wrong and controlling and he is just normal. She does not say anything about his other activities, like if he would play golf or watched TV all the time, she would not be mad, but he is acting differently due to watching porn and it is affecting their sex life......It didn't say he spends nearly all his waking hours on porn at any point of this thread.

Of course some person out there can get addicted to just about anything else out there. Doesn't mean everyone is addicted to something however.

However Porn addiction is not as rampant as shopping addiction is. Look at consumer debt for proof of that.

She is picking one item then going apesh** because he won't jump through every hoop for her. Sorry, no guy that still has possession of his gonads likes being dictated to like that.

Incidentally golf is a poor substitute. Ever see greens fees lately?

She obviously expects him to never gaze upon another female body lest he suffer the wrath of the insecure wife. Regardless of what he is or isn't doing I see major issues in how she is reacting to this. People who go ape like this tend to also exaggerate the original offense as well. I wouldn't be surprised if all he really did was say whoa! Looking at the Victorias secret catalog and she overheard it.

Sorry, but I see red flags waving all over the place whenever I get answers like she gave. THe horns and fireworks start going off whenever someone goes off when they hear something they don't want to hear as well.

Where there is smoke there is usually fire. And she has a lot of smoke coming out from under her collar.

Seriously... do you think she would be at all happy if he was dictating to her making demands from her over every little thing and going off in a rage if she didn't snap to whenever he demanded? So why is it fine when its her doing the demanding? ANd looking at some free porn doesn't warrant the sort of reaction we are getting from her.

I don't want to control him, that doesn't even make any sense! He can do whatever he wants, I don't stop him. Looks to me as if you have your own problem with REALLY seeing the core issue at hand here. LIES and the fact that it is affecting our sex life, witch in turn affects me as well as him.
My tone is of a person who is hurt and angry that her man would rather watch porn than be with a willing, loving, sexy woman that HE picked.
So, who are you really defending here? Him or your own porn issues. Don't get mad at me for loving my man enough to fight for our relationship and wanting to be the one that he goes to for the pleasure of sex. Im not asking where and what he has done every minute of the day, that's stupid. It looks to me as if you are getting a little up set because you have had your own battle with porn, and maybe it is bringing up some old feelings for you. (it is addictive, you said so yourself) I don't think porn is that bad, it really is getting out of control and I have every right to be concerned.
We all have faults, and that means me too, I never claimed to be perfect.

I dont want to control him, that doesnt even make any sense! He can do whatever he wants, I dont stop him. Looks to me as if you have your own problem with REALLY seeing the core issue at hand here. LIES and the fact that it is affecting our sex life, witch in turn affects me as well as him.
My tone is of a person who is hurt and angry that her man would rather watch porn than be with a willing, loving, sexy woman that HE picked.
So, who are you really defending here? Him or your own porn issues. Dont get mad at me for loving my man enough to fight for our relationship and wanting to be the one that he goes to for the pleasure of sex. Im not asking where and what he has done every minute of the day, thats stupid. It looks to me as if you are getting a little up set because you have had your own battle with porn, and maybe it is bringing up some old feelings for you. (it is addictive, you said so yourself) I dont think porn is that bad, it really is getting out of control and I have every right to be concerned.
We all have faults, and that means me too, I never claimed to be perfect.

Really. Take a look at what you wrote and the tone you took. Its exceptionally adversarial. I only see one person upset here. And its you. Personally I'm not the least bit upset. My wife doesn't make those sorts of demands on me. You ask a question, you get upset... when we answer again you are pointing fingers at those who offer up an unbiased answer to what we see.

Look at how bent out of shape you are over looking at a little porn. Can't you see what's wrong with your reaction? This is the sort of reaction you would expect if the guy was physically abusing you or a child, or having an affair. Not look at a little harmless porn without getting your permission first.

And another thing. Do not compare yourself with porn. They are not related in any way. I have no idea what you look like and it doesn't matter in any case. You can be last months Centerfold in playboy, or a twin. A guy will still lke to look at porn. It has ZERO to do with you. It has zero to do with him loving you. What such demands will do is breed contempt, any guy will be irritated being dictated to as to what he can do, when he can do it and particularly being expected to ask permission (detailing what when and how much after the fact is just the same).

He is at home... not taking off with the "boys" or drinking.

It is interesting to know... i still do not understand men. could you also explain how it goes, if you love the women you are living with why you enjoy watching naked women or even waking in the street yur head turns towards a half naked women in the street? Doesn't that mean that the woman you are walking with is not attarctive to your eyes? (by you i mean you men, not you personally) I would be happy if you reply to this thanks :)

A mans brain is divided into 2 parts. One is a VERY primitive part that runs very deep. It has absolutely no thinking involved. Just the sexual urge to put your penis in as many females as possible. It also give physical pleasure just from seeing!

The other part is a much higher and more conscious. It is the emotional and thinking part and it has the power to overwrite the primitive part. It is the emotional part that is with their partner. It is the emotional part that falls in love with someone.

One part wants to get with as many females as possible, the other doesn't. It's an internal conflict. But it's impossible for the primitive part to cheat on a partner because it has no links to any partner! Makes sense?

Enough with the being mean to each other.

I get that the lies are what are bothering you. And I get that his looking at porn is affecting your entire relationship.

Honestly? I think couples counseling is needed here, and I would (if I were in your shoes) tell him that it's an ultimatim. I have a feeling that it's a little of BOTH sides here--he feels he HAS to hide it, and you feel that he's choosing the porn INSTEAD of you.

Let's everyone take a deep breath here and think about the words that are being posted before posting them. There's no reason to attack each other over what is (in a manner of speaking) a matter of opinion.

To the OP--you need to decide if you can live with this. If the answer is no, then you need to either work WITH him to fix it or you need to leave. I dealt with something similar once. It wasn't porn, but it WAS something taking away from the relationship. I had to walk away, completely, for him to wake up and make changes. We're still together 12 years later.

I'm not saying walking away will make him change, but it MAY wake him up enough to get him to go to counseling with you if he won't go because you ask it.

Smooty, you have not listened to a word that I have said. I don't want to be lied to, as Im sure you don't want to be lied to! And I find it funny that you have not even addressed that issue.
You think I am being demanding? HOw is asking for the truth demanding? I just didn't know what to say to him about it and didn't want to freak out on him and make him feel bad.
YOu are being completely ridiculous in saying that I don't want him to look at another naked women, I point out beautiful women to him all the time. That's just stupid. Again, he is not dead, and to expect that isn't rational. I don't expect that! YOu are taking this to the extreme and still don't see the real reason for the post. I also said that I didn't care if he did this, its just becoming a concern that it is too much and it is affecting our sex life! Again, it is affecting our sex life.

Looking at porn too much can be looked at as an addiction and if he is addicted again I have every right to safeguard our relationship.

If it weren't affecting our sex life, it would not even be an issue. I already knew he looked at porn and I didn't care then, it was not on a daily basis. So, don't sit there telling me that Im a controlling, I have every right to be concerned about my relationship and safe guarding it!

Smooty, you have not listened to a word that I have said. I dont want to be lied to, as Im sure you dont want to be lied to! And I find it funny that you have not even addressed that issue.
You think I am being demanding? HOw is asking for the truth demanding? I just didnt know what to say to him about it and didnt want to freak out on him and make him feel bad.
YOu are being completely ridiculous in saying that I dont want him to look at another naked women, I point out beautiful women to him all the time. Thats just stupid. Again, he is not dead, and to expect that isnt rational. I dont expect that! YOu are taking this to the extreme and still dont see the real reason for the post. I also said that I didnt care if he did this, its just becoming a concern that it is to much and it is affecting our sex life! Again, it is affecting our sex life.

Looking at porn too much can be looked at as an addiction and if he is addicted again I have every right to safeguard our relationship.

If it werent affecting our sex life, it would not even be an issue. I already knew he looked at porn and I didnt care then, it was not on a daily basis. So, dont sit there telling me that Im a controling, I have every right to be concerned about my relationship and safe guarding it!

The root of what you call a lie is an unreasonible demand upon another adult.

Exactly what position are you to be dictating things. If he mas making demands from you would you be happy about it? I'm pretty certain you would not.

You take a non-issue and make it seem like its this huge earth moving type of thing. I mean seriously, if he was making demands, stomping around like you are doing right now I'd say the same thing to him.

If it was my wife or girlfriend acting like you are right now... I'd throw them out. Seriously. I'm not anyone's servant... if someone thinks they are above me I have nothing to do with them.

So basically what YOU are calling a lie is something he shouldn't be having to file a report on in the first place.

I don't have to tell my wife every time I look at a naked body. Like any other woman without insecurities she knows its nothing to worry about.

You mention it seffecting your sex life. Frankly I'm not surprised. If my wife was stomping around like the prison warden on Cool Hand luke you'd be pretty darn sure my desire to be intimate with her would radically diminish.

The only guys that would like that are the type into a dominatrix. He may not say anything because its easier to be quiet and ignore it than what would obviously result in a fight.

Now remember I am a guy... I am telling you as a guy what I see is some very off-putting behaviour. He's not out drinking until 3 am with his single buddies. He's not going out to clubs hitting up on women. All he did was look at some porn and NOT tell you about it because you make such an issue out of it. Hell, most people would do exactly what he did if their partner made that sort of a fuss of nothing.

Now you can calm down and take your blinders off and accept what someone else see's here. Or you can continue and ruin your relationship over nothing, and if you do it with the next guy you will ruin that one as well.

Did your parents ever tell you " Worry about the big things and the little things will take care of themselves"?

It means don't obsess over little non-important things. Because the big important things will be neglected.

A mans brain is divided into 2 parts. One is a VERY primitive part that runs very deep. It has absolutely no thinking involved. Just the sexual urge to put your penis in as many females as possible. It also give physical pleasure just from seeing!

The other part is a much higher and more conscious. It is the emotional and thinking part and it has the power to overwrite the primitive part. It is the emotional part that is with their partner. It is the emotional part that falls in love with someone.

One part wants to get with as many females as possible, the other doesn't. It's an internal conflict. But it's impossible for the primitive part to cheat on a partner because it has no links to any partner! Makes sence?

To be honest, it really does not make sense to me. However, I have learnt to somwhow accept that men naturally are attarcted to pretty, and sexy women and it does not mean they do not love their life partner. It was very difficult for me to accept and at first I thougt something was wrong with me that when sitting for lunch together, my husband's head would turn around and watch the women passing by. I got hurt and told him it bothered me and he felt embaressed and told me that my looking at other women ao being charming to some of them does not ruin our relationship but the way you look at it does. He said he was not a bad person and it does not mean that I am not pretty or attarctive. I don't know, it made me feel terrible but I knew it was not right to ask him to be cold with every women who looks good. I was specially sensetive to those that were kind of flirtish and said things to me that showed they were jealous of me. May be these were only my feelings, anyway, my husband took my jealousy very well. He did not act cold to other women but whenever I told him I was feeling jealous again he tried too pay less attention to that particlar woman or we even cut the relationship with that person. He said,I was more important to him than that person, so when these thinsg happened several times and it was proved to me that he would do anything to make me happy, I realized it was my mistake and if he did not love me he would not take such a big critisizm so well. Now, I love him even more than before and I am not that sensetive about his looking at other women.here and there I feel jalous some times but I control it beacsue I love him and I know he loves me. He is a wonderful father and a man who takes care of his family the best way possible.

A mans brain is divided into 2 parts. One is a VERY primitive part that runs very deep. It has absolutely no thinking involved. Just the sexual urge to put your penis in as many females as possible. It also give physical pleasure just from seeing!

The other part is a much higher and more conscious. It is the emotional and thinking part and it has the power to overwrite the primitive part. It is the emotional part that is with their partner. It is the emotional part that falls in love with someone.

One part wants to get with as many females as possible, the other doesn't. It's an internal conflict. But it's impossible for the primitive part to cheat on a partner because it has no links to any partner! Makes sence?

He he he.. I was searching the web to see if it has been proved biologically that men's brain works differently and I found this joke:

A Woman's Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice echo from far, far away...

"We're down here

When my husband and I started going out he would watch porn and masturbate to it. I would get very upset and jealous. We would get into big fights. BIG MISTAKE! So one day I went on the computer when I knew he was nearby watching and looked at porn. He asked what I was doing and I said watching porn then I started masturbating he questioned why I did that I said because I want to just like you do. Years later we watch porn together and we love it. Sometimes when I'm not in the mood I tell him to go look at porn and I do not get upset or jealous. Men just like fantasizing of other women. It's normal. He is not cheating on you. Try to enjoy it with him and it will make you guys happy.

Ok... I am a woman and have had experience with relationships involving porn and what I thought was excessive porn watching. I tried to just ignore it... and that didn't work. What I think is you need to step back and look at the relationship. If you are both happy and both love each other... I would say don't worry about his porn watching. Actually, even if your relationship is shakey, I still wouldn't worry about it. It has nothing to do with you. Really. You could surprise him with a porno you buy and watch it together... maybe that would help ease the tension. He just wants privacy. I am sure there are things you don't want him to watch you do or would make you uncomfortable... that's probably all it is.

Smooty, in response to some of what you said. Im not making demands on him, all I did was ASK him about it (I wasn't even upset with him at the time) and he lied about it. He didn't need to lie, I even told him I was not angry about it. The more I thought about the lie the more I started to wonder what else he had lied about. I even gave him a chance to tell the truth by saying, all guys do it and I know you do too so why can't you admit it ? He refused and I dropped it. I don't know, maybe he was embarrassed. But in cases like this if he were, he would have told me later and he didn't. The subject has not been brought up since.

What you are calling demanding is me just venting about it and being hurt. Making demands on anyone usually backfires, I already know that, and really I don't even see what you are talking about? How can you make demands on someone that you aren't even talking to about the issue? I didn't even bring it up again, it was dropped. He has no idea that I am even upset at all. I have not changed in the way that I treat him (knowing he lied or not) I just let it go, but the problem is it keeps creeping into my head as to why he lied and why he won't include me in at least some of his fantasies?

When I say it is affecting our sex life, what I mean by that is he is, what I see, is satisfying himself enough watching the porn that at times there is nothing left for us ( and when I started to notice that he could not keep it up, I started to wonder why, and no he does not have any medical problems). He just doesn't have the energy. And when we do have sex, its not the same, things are different. I really don't want to go into detail about that.

I really don't have a problem with him watching it, it would just be nice to be included and I guess that's what hurt me. And I never said he had to ask me to do anything, he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Thing is, I feel left alone in this and just needed a guys point of view on how to tell him that when he lie's about something that is really stupid, it breaks trust(even if its stupid or wrong) and makes me wonder. And I would like to be included once in a while. Plus if he is addicted, I want to work on it WITH him, not against him.

Im just looking to safeguard my relationship not ruin it. And the part that hurts me the most is the fact that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

I'm going through the same thing girl don't feel bad.

What me and my boyfriend did was he admitted to his addiction and we actually got a trial of a blocker something like parental control because he knew it bothered me which I was the only one with the password and it blocked porn sites.

But eventually the trial ran out and he began watching porn again. It doesn't really bother me as much now. Because he doesn't do it like 2 to 3 times a day like he used to. He is giving me effort so I return the favor and don't bytch at him.

Try these things.

I'd like to start a dialogue with the first respondent, who began:

>I am a women and I understand how you feel, but I think you are making a big deal out if it.

I agree, it's not a huge deal.

>The reason that he lies about it is that he likes to do this but he also knows that YOU don't like it.

He lies about it because he's OK with lying. That's bad and can be indicative of a broader pattern of dishonesty.

>maybe he lies because he does not want you to feel bad.

Totally.

>Try not to take it personally, it might be something temporary that will lessen by time.

Ehh, probably not.

>But if you argue a lot about it, it will affect your relationship.

Very true.

>I have a suggestion, I would sit and watch the porn with him if I were you.

I don't think this is good advice - he probably would have offered if he was interested in making this a team sport. He'd just be uncomfortable in the proposed situation.

>I know we women do not like porn as men do, to me it is disgusting and I perefe to watch a romantic movie to turn me on rather than porn,

I've always thought that men and women are all human beings, and so are essentially the same, but I think you're on to something here...

>but if you love him you might try looking at the world from his eyes instead of forcing him to be what you program him to be.

... and in that light, maybe we can never see the world through each other's eyes.

>We all have our shortcomings that we do not want our partner to know about,

Spot on.

>or we expect them to ignore them.

And it never happens that way, which is a shame. Being honest with each other (sorry to sound like a miserable cliche) is the only way to ensure trust in the future.

>A human being is not an angel, what makes a man attractive is a mixture of good and evil that nature has created. If he is not after other wemon and only likes to watch porn, just let him do it,

Cool!

>it is not cheating, and it does not mean you are not good enough.

He's with you because you are captivating, and that is the crucial part: guys (myself included) are animals, and want every attractive girl that walks down the street. That doesn't mean that we would even entertain the notion of picking that girl over you...

>good for you to be so in shape, keep well, and let him have his privacy for a while or watch the porn with him. I am sure he will not watch it that often after a while. Good luck![/QUOTE]

Yes, let him have his privacy, but if he lies to you about it, that's trouble, as it speaks to his character on a broader scale.

Smooty, in response to some of what you said. Im not making demands on him, all I did was ASK him about it (I wasnt even upset with him at the time) and he lied about it. He didnt need to lie, I even told him I was not angry about it. The more I thought about the lie the more I started to wonder what else he had lied about. I even gave him a chance to tell the truth by saying, all guys do it and I know you do too so why can't you admit it ? He refused and I dropped it. I dont know, maybe he was embarrassed. But in cases like this if he were, he would have told me later and he didnt. The subject has not been brought up since.

What you are calling demanding is me just venting about it and being hurt. Making demands on anyone usually backfires, I already know that, and really I dont even see what you are talking about? How can you make demands on someone that you arent even talking to about the issue? I didnt even bring it up again, it was dropped. He has no idea that I am even upset at all. I have not changed in the way that I treat him (knowing he lied or not) I just let it go, but the problem is it keeps creeping into my head as to why he lied and why he wont include me in at least some of his fantasies?

When I say it is affecting our sex life, what I mean by that is he is, what I see, is satisfying himself enough watching the porn that at times there is nothing left for us ( and when I started to notice that he could not keep it up, I started to wonder why, and no he does not have any medical problems). He just doesn't have the energy. And when we do have sex, its not the same, things are different. I really dont want to go into detail about that.

I really dont have a problem with him watching it, it would just be nice to be included and I guess thats what hurt me. And I never said he had to ask me to do anything, he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Thing is, I feel left alone in this and just needed a guys point of view on how to tell him that when he lie's about something that is really stupid, it breaks trust(even if its stupid or wrong) and makes me wonder. And I would like to be included once in a while. Plus if he is addicted, I want to work on it WITH him, not against him.

Im just looking to safeguard my relationship not ruin it. And the part that hurts me the most is the fact that he didnt trust me enough to tell me the truth.

Look at it this way... everyone likes to have a little private space. Some guys get real private about this suff... others aren't.

It's a pretty rare case where a guy will preffer spanking the monkey to having a live woman, the caveat being unless she is unpleasant for any number of reasons. Do you ever have converstaions with any close female friends? Do you relay the details of those to him later at home? Should you? That's your private space in a manner of speaking.

Keep in mind just because it makes sense to you as a woman doesn't mean it makes sense to any guy out there. Thought processes differ between men and women.

When you mention its not the same, could this be because you are harboring these thoughts of ill will over an issue that's best foergotten for the reasons I've mentioned? With a woman state of mind is a key factor.

You don't need to go into any details you aren't comfortible going into. The basic concepts I have been trying to get across as a man speaking will not change.

I'd like to start a dialogue with the first respondent, who began:

>I am a women and I understand how you feel, but I think you are making a big deal out if it.

I agree, it's not a huge deal.

>The reason that he lies about it is that he likes to do this but he also knows that YOU don't like it.

He lies about it because he's ok with lying. That's bad and can be indicative of a broader pattern of dishonesty.

>maybe he lies because he does not want you to feel bad.

Totally.

>Try not to take it personally, it might be something temporary that will lessen by time.

Ehh, probably not.

>But if you argue a lot about it, it will affect your relationship.

Very true.

>I have a suggestion, I would sit and watch the porn with him if I were you.

I don't think this is good advice - he probably would have offered if he was interested in making this a team sport. He'd just be uncomfortable in the proposed situation.

>I know we women do not like porn as men do, to me it is disgusting and I perefe to watch a romantic movie to turn me on rather than porn,

I've always thought that men and women are all human beings, and so are essentially the same, but I think you're on to something here...

>but if you love him you might try looking at the world from his eyes instead of forcing him to be what you program him to be.

...and in that light, maybe we can never see the world through each other's eyes.

>We all have our shortcomings that we do not want our partner to know about,

Spot on.

>or we expect them to ignore them.

and it never happens that way, which is a shame. Being honest with each other (sorry to sound like a miserable cliche) is the only way to ensure trust in the future.

>A human being is not an angel, what makes a man attractive is a mixture of good and evil that nature has created. If he is not after other wemon and only likes to watch porn, just let him do it,

cool!

>it is not cheating, adn it does not mean you are not good enough.

He's with you because you are captivating, and that is the crucial part: guys (myself included) are animals, and want every attractive girl that walks down the street. That doesn't mean that we would even entertain the notion of picking that girl over you...

>good for you to be so in shape, keep well, and let him have his privacy for a while or watch the porn with him. I am sure he will not watch it that often after a while. Good luck!

Yes, let him have his privacy, but if he lies to you about it, that's trouble, as it speaks to his character on a broader scale.[/QUOTE]

I always thought men and women were the same too, and thinking that way I was hurt since I thought they thought the same about love and relationships, but it seems that they don't. I think we have to accpet this fact that maybe culturally men and women are brought up differently over years and that's why they think differently. I hope you are kidding when you say you guys are animals. Thanks for analyzing my answer, I gave my opinion, but it seems it is not really practical. It is difficult for women to ignore disrespect and this story continiues forever, they are with a guy, treated badly, they switch to another guy and he is even worse. We all have desires but we also have control over our desires and that is what makes us different from animals. So you are not an anima if you control what you want. If you have respect for women you will not allow yourself to act like an animal because you know you are not one.

I'd like to point out, yet AGAIN, that the problem the OP is having is with the LYING.

The porn is just what he's lying ABOUT.

If he were lying about eating donuts or going to his mother's or drinking alcohol or going out with the guys, it would still be a LIE.

I'd like to point out, yet AGAIN, that the problem the OP is having is with the LYING.

The porn is just what he's lying ABOUT.

If he were lying about eating donuts or going to his mother's or drinking alcohol or going out with the guys, it would still be a LIE.And she doesn't lie about something to him as well? I'm certain she does about something. Those are still lies. Like asking someone sitting there grumbing about something, you ask them what they are thinking... they respond ".... nothing....." that's a lie after all. But is it something to get bent out of shape over? No.

That's what I am saying.

Girlsconfused, I have a question for you... If your boyfriend checks on you so much that he figures out that you have posted such a question and asks you about it, will you tell him the truth? Or you will feel that this might hurt him and deny it?

Shaadow, I would tell him the truth. If he wants to check up on me, I don't have a problem with that. I have nothing to hide and if he asked me about it I would be honest with him.

Smoothy--

If he had a problem with spending money, and I lied to him about buying a new dress, because I KNOW he's going to have a problem with it, and I really wanted the dress---then there's more of an issue than just the lie going on.

I don't lie to my husband, except about things like "What did you get me for Christmas?". I found out a long time ago that even little white lies come back to haunt you, and if it bothered him (or me!) enough to ask about it, then it wasn't worth lying about.

Remember--I'm a strong proponent that porn is NOT a bad thing. I don't CARE whether he gets himself off to it or not (he being my husband, of course).

I do think she's justifiably upset in this case, because it IS causing issues for their relationship, so if nothing else, they need to be able to talk about it, and him lying and saying that there isn't any porn makes it kind of tough to talk about it--and I can see where that would lead to other issues.

I don't know. Maybe this is a male/female thing. Maybe I get why she's upset about this, and that it really isn't the porn that has her upset.

I am a girl; I have always watched lots of porn, especially Japanese manga (by always I mean, sometimes a whole lot and sometimes, like recently, not at all) ; it's also full of naked women, and I am straight; I don't really know why I watch it, but it does turn me on, and at times it's done it more than my respective lovers;
there is something about fantasy that just has the upper hand on reality; it's not about your body; if I fantasize about a guy with wings doesn't mean I dislike my boyfriend for not having them;
maybe he likes the raunchy dirty side of it (you know, many women at once, their dirty looks etc.) but he would never want to date them. As girlfriends, we walk a strange line between having to be sexy and sexual, but also reserved and respectable. If he saw a girl walking down the street in a seethrough shirt, he would surely stare at her, masturbate about it and probably think of her when he slept with you next, but he wouldn't want to date her; it's not your job to satisfy a guys' hottest sexual fantasies; if it were, you would be... a porn star (although I'd like to believe they have better fantasies than that).

I like to imagine flying to some old dominant man's house, being tied up and etcetera. Pretty dirty stuff. But, if the situation were to present itself, I wouldnt' actually do it. Fantasy and reality are two weirdly overlapping things, but they are not in competition I think. Sometimes, I've been told it's best to not try to fulfill your fantasies because they don't turn out to be as fantastic.

maybe you should look at porn too, that might create some understanding; I'm not joking :) there is some good porn for girls out there; like cool devices (a cartoon)

now, the lying is something else; but people are pretty straightforward about it; they won't just tell you the truth when you ask for it. I know that's something our society values (and that's a clue; we value it because it's so hard and so rare. We would just think it's normal otherwise). But if you want someone to tell you the truth, you have the (really difficult in your case) job of convincing them that you can deal with it, won't blow up, and that they won't have to pay for it; would you tell your parents you smoked pot if you knew you'd get disinherited? Why bother, right? Everyone becomes "perfect" because we don't want to deal with consequences; so, if you want an open honest relationship, you have to dial your tolerance up a bunch of notches; you have to convey to kids, lovers etc the idea that you won't flip out, lose yourself confidence and start to mistrust them if they tell you they've done something they have reason to believe you disapprove of. Be tolerant and truth will come to you. Nobody confesses to judgmental people; but this is a manipulative mindset which I guess many would disapprove of;

better would be to truly become more tolerant; so what if he thinks about other people while he sleeps with you? So what if last year he had a crush on his friend julia? It's a miracle we even manage to do the monogamous thing at all; we are a polygamous creature; like many primates; we come from a long line of, alfa male, alfa female, everyone mates all the time etc; promiscuity is in our genes; a drastic number of people have affairs; I'm all for accepting human nature; I think sometimes society tells us we should be like x, and if we don't' see x we worry; what if we look at ourselves instead and try really hard to accept who we are, and who the people next to us are? Maybe that way we would need to lie less, hide less, etc;

maybe he could put the porn on TV in the living room then (just kidding)

Smoothy--

If he had a problem with spending money, and I lied to him about buying a new dress, because I KNOW he's going to have a problem with it, and I really wanted the dress---then there's more of an issue than just the lie going on.

I don't lie to my husband, except about things like "What did you get me for Christmas?". I found out a long time ago that even little white lies come back to haunt you, and if it bothered him (or me!) enough to ask about it, then it wasn't worth lying about.

Remember--I'm a strong proponent that porn is NOT a bad thing. I don't CARE whether he gets himself off to it or not (he being my husband, of course).

I do think she's justifiably upset in this case, because it IS causing issues for their relationship, so if nothing else, they need to be able to talk about it, and him lying and saying that there isn't any porn makes it kind of tough to talk about it--and I can see where that would lead to other issues.

I dunno. Maybe this is a male/female thing. Maybe I get why she's upset about this, and that it really isn't the porn that has her upset.I'm thinking the same thing... but absent more information it's a wild guess.

Shaadow, I would tell him the truth. If he wants to check up on me, I dont have a problem with that. I have nothing to hide and if he asked me about it I would be honest with him.

That's good. OK, if you can tell him about this then you should be able to tell him how you feel. Believe me if you are honest and you are sure that he is making a mistake that is hurting your relationship then you will not be wrong. Listen to your gut girl and speak your mind. If he really loves you he will listen to you even if you are wrong he will listen. You do not want a man who cannot even listen to a complain. Life is full of ups and downs and if a person cannot listen to your opinions in this stage of the relationship and cannot discuss it with you then he cannot be the right man. Be brave and test him. If something is bothering you, you should tell him, this is honesty. Hiding feelings will only cause resentments and that ruins the relationship in long term. Do not avoid arguments, there will sure be fights and you have to learn how to survive them. Of course, you should put it nicely, but you should tell him what bothers you. Not trusting you enough to tell you the truth. Well, you are also hiding the truth from him. The truth is you are upset with him and you should tell him. I have been following the answers you got from the beginning and it seems you cannot make a decision yet. Maybe you still need to take your time and think things over. If you cannot ignore the lie, tell him about it, it is not healthy for you to take it. My opinion is, and it is ony my opinion, that you are somehow scared of losing him if you tell him how you feel, you said in your post that he gets mad and says he will end it. WHY are you afraid? Honetsly, I know it is not easy, but life is short and you don't want to spend it with someone who will threaten you by leaving you whenever you want to discuss something with him. It is not easy to face the truth. Ask yoursef this question, why do I want this man? What is he giving me? I think and I am sorry if I am wrong but it is my feeling only that you do not feel successful without a boyfriend. I honestly don't think you really love him. You love the idea of having a perfect boyfriend and you are trying to make one out of him. HUman beings are complicated, some think they are in love with a person, but they are only addicted to them because theit attitude resembles those of the parents they are brought up with, especially the one that they did not like! Like I once fell in love with a man who had no respect for women just like my dad did not, and my dad did not let me have this relationship and toldme frankly: he is like me, he does not respect women, you cannot live with him!! ". So it is sometimes hard to recognize your feelings, it is important to know what you feel. Again I say that these are only possibilities and might be far from the truth.. I do not know your back ground and these might be irrelevant. I do not want to make you feel bad or prove yourself here, these are only things to think about, to know yoursef better and see what you want from your partner and do not be afraid of losing them. I wish you all the best. Be brave!

It is interesting to know... i still do not understand men. could you also explain how it goes, if you love the women you are living with why you enjoy watching naked women or even waking in the street yur head turns towards a half naked women in the street? Doesn't that mean that the woman you are walking with is not attarctive to your eyes? (by you i mean you men, not you personally) I would be happy if you reply to this thanks :)


I agree with you here, why would a man need to watch strange women who are nothing but cheep whores, and not pay attention to your wife who is there for you to share your good and bad times? Who you are emotionally connected to and have meaningful sex rather than a lonely wank??
Why do men forget that us women have feelings and emotions and it hurts when we are so faithful to our husbands, who I return watch cheap porn??
Bet you can tell I have the same problem ( husband watching porn and then lying about it)

i agree with you here, why would a man need to watch strange women who are nothing but cheep whores, and not pay attention to your wife who is there for you to share your good and bad times? who you are emotionally connected to and have meaningful sex rather than a lonely wank???
why do men forget that us women have feelings and emotions and it hurts when we are so faithful to our husbands, who i return watch cheap porn???
bet you can tell i have the same problem ( husband watching porn and then lying about it)

Before you respond to long dead threads... read the last posting date. This was from 2008 and its now 2011. That makes this one 3 years dead.