I have been dating a man that I suspect has ED. I suspect this because I have seen Testosterone patches in his bathroom. He is not into weight lifting so I know that it wasn't for that reason. I have also seen inserts for 'enhanement drugs and he seems to have a problem with growing old. He is 42 and does not look it. Also there has been occasions during sex that he would go soft and having sex in the mornings is non existent. How do I mention this to him without possibly offending him. I really like him and will work with him with this issue but only if he opens up to me. Any suggestions?

He might be going through a male mid-life crisis. Many men do. I did.

How about asking him if there is anything that is bothering him that he might like to discuss with you and that if there is, then you could add, that you really care about him and would like to help him and be part of the solutions to the things that are of concern to him?

He might not know how you feel and that you would really like help him.

There have times when he appeared to have something on his mind. I would ask if he wanted to talk about anything and he would say no. As I said before I really like him. I am a nurse and I feel that I can help but he doesn't open up to me.

This just might take some time for him to open up to you. How long have you known him and what are the words that you have used when you have asked, please? Have there been any additional questions that you have asked of him other then what you posted in your response above?

You don't need to talk to him about this at this point... just continue your relationship and see how your sex life goes... see how much you like him... see what things you have in common to enjoy together besides sex. :)

He may be struggling with something and not care to be questioned.

If you two are eventually considering marriage, that is the time to talk about this, or if he brings it up.

Best wishes in developing a good relationship, :)

Depending on how long you have been together, and what the future plans are, don't think he will open up at once, or think keeping at it, will open him up.

You can let him know without talking about sex, that you expect him to communicate about important things, and sex is one of them. Make sure he knows YOU need to be able to honestly express yourself.

Laying the groundwork for dialog is the essential part of communications. Then you can work together, on your problems, and issues.

The goal is to be comfortable enough with your partner, to discuss anything,

You don't say how long you've been dating but obviously he's not ready to fully discuss it with you yet. He may never really want to have that conversation with you or anyone else, lots of people have trouble talking about sex & especially if it's trouble with sex.

As suggested, putting the right groundwork in place to so a good talk is possible is a great first step. You could make comments that are supportive when you get the chance that is not directed at him, like when a viagra commercial comes on the TV. Like "Most if not all guys have problems with erections at some point or another even without an illness causing it, great sex isn't just erections & there's a lot of ways for both partners to be satisfied when they work together to make that happen" in your own words.

We have been dating for 18 months. I let it be known that he can talk to me about anything. I never pry or put him on the spot. I supect that he thinks that I know already. When I saw the patches in his bathroom they were in plan site on the sink. I know that he didn't mean to leave them there because as soon as I came out of the bathroom, he went in and put them away (they were not there when I used the bathroom later that night). I know that it is a tender subject. I just feel that he may be more stressed by trying to hide it from me. I realize that he may never open up to me about it.

If you've been dating for 18 months & the patches were in plain sight, then maybe you broaching the subject might be a good idea. And you're right it may relieve some pressure from it being a "secret". I would suggest broaching the subject when you are both relaxed & feeling close. Then just say "I did see the patches in your bathroom & want you to know that you don't have to discuss it with me if you don't want to, but I'm here for you when you do." Then if he changes the topic, let him. He may want to prepare himself to discuss it with you.

If it looks like he's ready to at least start talking about the issue, then you can ask the questions you have.

Is he an intensively private person in gen'l?

Yes. He is retired military and very reserved. I can count one one hand how many times he has dominated a conversation. A lot of times it is like pulling teeth to get information out of him. He has told me that he is not ready to commit and I'm wondering if this problem is the reason why.

If he knows you know, he may feel there is nothing to discuss, he sees it as a done deal for now. If he's especially quiet & reserved, it just may be too difficult for him.

We just discussed an excerpt from this book on our couple support conference call Fri, it may help you get some insight into the "not ready to commit" issue. Even though simplistic, the book does make some very good points from a male therapist & his male clients. You can read excerpts at these sites:

Why Men Won't Commit Getting What You Both Want Without Playing Games By George Weinberg, Ph.D.

http://books.google.com/books?id=2MGYvFxdPwIC&dq=Why+Men+Won't+Commit+Getting+What+You+Both+Want +Without+Playing+Games++George+Weinberg,+Ph.D.&pg=PP1&ots=6keSsaM7-j&sig=jW24ZL9kIlbCN68PEW0_1xtcRZ0&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result#PPA17,M1

Amazon.com: Why Men Won't Commit: Getting What You Both Want Without Playing Games: George, Ph.D. Weinberg: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Wont-Commit-Getting/dp/0743445708/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220095564&sr=8-2)

Thanks!! I have ordered the book!

I'm glad to help!

This is a book I highly that's really good for situations like yours. They offered a wonderful & inexpensive teleclass that I wish they would do again:

Amazon.com: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Patricia Love, Steven Stosny: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220157805&sr=8-1)

How to Improve Your Marriage Without ... - Google Book Search (http://books.google.com/books?id=NnOeP48vS0EC&printsec=frontcover&dq=stosny&sig=ACfU3U032Yg92SLq44Erq6ASeqiryLV0RQ#PPA9,M1)