I am gay, disabled, in a wheelchair and have HIV.
I contracted the HIV 28 months ago, a month later, I was in a road traffic accident on my motor bike and my back was broken with extensive damage to the spine. I am not in a wheeclchair and there is not much chance of me ever walking again.
I have been ill now for about 4 months in total and this was due to my immune system being destroyed by the HIV. Because I have been working on trying to get my legs to work again I tried to put the virus thing into perspective (in fact I was burrying my head in the sand).. anyway I have been very ill and was admitted to hospital where they said I had to start treatment immediately for the HIV so that It would not develop into aids.
I have to deal with the side effects of these drugs now along with being in a wheelchair. I am gay and desperately want to love and hold someone again. I live with my parents in the middle of no where in Scotland and I want to die. - I am thinking about suicide seriously and I already take anti-depressants so things must be bad.
I can't go on like this anymore. I have started drinking to excess and ordering addictive drugs online and I think sub consciously I am killing myself anyway.
Can someone tell me its not worth it all? What can I do I am so so desperately unhappy with my situation. I am not ugly or stupid and they say I have a wonderful personality but I am fed up making excuses for my new life to others and to myself. I need to talk to non-bias people. Family are no good.
Thanks!

Hi help,

Let me tell you this, YOU hold your head up high. YOU are an inspiration to so many.
I wish I was right there to give you a hug and let you know you are loved. Hug yourself for me and love yourself for me.

You are a strong person - and you can rise above all that has been dealt to you. There is a plan for all of us and maybe your plan is to inspire the rest of us, to admire your strength, to admire your courage, that despite all of your illness, you still are able to smile to a little things.

Tomorrow is promised to no one. So you take today and make a difference is someone's life.

You sure has heck made a huge difference in mine and I am sure in everyone who reads your post.

Thank you for sharing all that you have - I promise you - you will lift a spirit and in turn, it will lift yours as well.

Bless you now and always - and hope you feel the huge hug I send your way.

You are very special - and very special to me!

Hello my friend,
At the moment you have too much to cope with... one thing at a time.

Firstly you have to be sure and get your HIV treatment, your first priority is to get yourself well again, it will take a while, but hang on in there, it will happen.

Have you been told point blank that you will not walk again, or have they said it's a possibility?. once you've regained your strength you cross that bridge later.

Your gay... so what, I have lots of friends who are gay and there still my friends, what they do in their sex life is no one else's business, it's between the two people concerned, so stop worrying about it... these days it's no big deal.

You say your in Scotland, what a beautiful place, although yes I have to say some places are some what remote.My Mum and Dad used to live there many years ago, Dad was a lighthouse keeper on one of the islands.

Once you regain your strength there is no reason why you should not move away if that's what you wish, just be patient and see how things go... ok

Drink and Drugs, sorry my friend going down the wrong alley there, yes you have to have some drugs for medication, but any thing else... well... no.

The trouble with anti-depressants is yes they make you feel better for a while but then they also make you feel bad again, it's a vicious circle.

My friend... is it possible that you could stay somewhere else for a while, maybe a friend or a member of the family you can talk to,I'm sure you'd benefit from it.

I think you need to do a lot of talking, get things out of your system.. so to speak.
I think you should go back to your Doctor, tell him the pills aren't working, and that you have these suicidal thoughts, your at home your parents don't really understand. Tell him you need to see some one who can help you through this, write it down if you feel you won't remember and give it to him... he'll understand .
Hopefully he will refer you a councillor or maybe a theropy group which will allow you to talk about your feelings etc...

There are plenty of people to listen please don't try to cope on your own we all need help sometimes, just ask... Don't forget that you can always phone the... Samaritans... day or night, if you feel the need to talk.


Takecare