Anyone got any hilarious stories they want to share? Feel free, make me laugh :D

Mine's pretty disgusting.. . Sorry, haha.

Me and my friends went to this festival in England called the "Big Green Gathering". It's just a big festival where you camp for a week and listen to live music, buy, make and sell things. Well, this friend of mine, he wasn't eating properly for the first few days of the festival and he started to get really bad diareea. He was having a coffee somewhere and he just realised, he suddenly got up and pegged it to the loo. He had to wait 10minutes for the queue to go. Haha. When he got in the port-a-loo he did his stuff but when he went to wipe he found that the toilet was quite shallow! Ahaha. His hand was covered in poo. He threw up in the sink because it was just so grosse! For the last 5 days of the festival he washed the best he could under a cold tap with a bottle of shower gel! Haha. He was so ashamed nobody knew until he posted a blog on myspace about it. We were all wondering why he was washing so much! Haha.
Don't worry I have his permition to tell you all the story! Lol...

x

Who's next? :)

My neighbor friend Timmy is 'bout brain dead from so much drugs and alcohol. Some people call him the village idiot. Anyway one day he got into a fight with his roommate Ike. His roommate ran across the street and called the police. They came and knocked on the door. Timmy was on the other side of the door smacking it with a baseball bat. The police ran across the street and asked Ike if Timmy had a gun. Ike said, "NO, that fool ain't got no gun!'' So the police go back over (There are like three steps up to the door). They knock on the door yelling "Timmy open up!'' He smacks the door one more time with the bat. The police do that TV cop thing where they pull their guns and duck and dive aside all in one move ---and they go over the side of the steps and fall in the yard.

My husband told me a story a long time ago about a wonderful swanky party he attended in Washington DC. He went into the kitchen to get another bottle of beer. It seemed that one party goer had gotten so drunk that he had opened up the refrigerator door and was blissfully peeing on the huge left over ham uncovered on the refrigerator shelf.

Or how about this gem?

One time my husband was so drunk and left the room to go to the bathroom. I was not paying that much attention until I heard the "water running" in the bedroom. I got up and looked in the bedroom. He was peeing in the closet having walked in the hallway right past the bathroom, into the bedroom and into the bedroom closet. Close but no cigar.

Or how about this gem?

My kid was still in diapers. Hubby took sonny for a walk in his stroller. He went to a Bojangless Chicken place near the house. The kid had diarrhea in his diaper. The other dining patrons were so grossed out they left the store. As sonny could sure leave some stinkers. Shortly after that the restaurant closed. I think that was a coincidence but I was never 100% sure.

Or how about this gem?

My mother was still in nurse's training (this was probably 70 some years ago) and was in the ER. An old farmer man came in. He had a hernia that he had cut off himself with a knife. The only problem was that he had ingested probably an entire watermelon prior to doing this. The entire floor of the ER was covered in watermelon and everyone was slipping and falling down. Poor mom could not eat watermelon for years afterwards. Wonder why.

This was on the news a few years back. A car crashed into the living room of an off duty police officer. The drunk driver got out of the car, with minor injuries, and proceeded to sit down at a piano that was in the living room and was playing it drunkenly as if nothing weird was going on. No one was hurt other then the driver.

During the famous blackout of 1965 in New York City I was working in an office on the 40th floor in a skyscraper. Having spent about 6 hours in the office watching all the commercial airplanes circling the city and having nothing to eat or drink, 3 of my female co-workers and I decided we'd brave it down the steps and walk to my apt some 40 blocks away in Manhattan. We bravely went down the stairs - all 40 flights of them and at the bottom of the stairs our legs were like rubber. We walked the 40 or so blocks to my apartment house. I lived on the 9th floor. When we entered the apartment house one of my co-workers said she was so glad I lived in an elevator building! Duh, in a blackout there was no power and we had to walk up the 9 flights of stairs. Oddly enough she was not blonde either. That part always bothered me.

One from my old Army days:

While there are many drunken stories from my time on the rock (Okinawa) this one always makes me laugh again every time I think about it.

Just another night of heavy drinking among 5 of us. Several cases of beer, Wild Turkey, and Bacardi 151. You never wanted to be the first one to pass out at one of these events, and I have to say that I never was. This was Ron's unlucky night.

Yeah, he was the first one to fall. He laid face down on his bunk, nothing on but his fruit of the loom briefs. Chuck, decides that he does not want Ron to quit partying with us yet. In his drunken state of mind, he comes up with a plan. The rest of us watch excitedly.

He grabs a bottle of Canoe Cologne. He grabs his Bic Lighter. He goes over to Ron and yells loudly, "Hey Ron!! I've got a bottle of Lighter Fluid in my hand, and a Bic Lighter!!
"If you don't get up and party with us, I'm going to pour this "lighter fluid" on your butt, and light it!! Ron is dead to the world.

Chuck proceeds to douse Ron's butt with the "lighter fluid" (actually cologne) and I mean he douses him real good, right down the crack. He yells again "Ron, you got "Ron, you got " all in your butt crack, I'm going to light it if you don't get up"! " all in your butt crack, I'm gonna light it if you don't get up"hey man, I heard you ain't got a hair on your @$$"! Truth was, he didn't!!

Buddy gets wasted on tequilla... wakes up the next morning with NO recollection of how he got to where he is... he has no shirt on, he is wearing army boots (which were not there to begin with), his pants are down to his ankles, and he has grass stains on his knees.

Some things are probably better left unknown.

Another bud went to new orleans. Got hammered and apparently high. Came home with a tattoo of two male rhinos on his leg, one mounting the other from behind sexually... first time people saw it theyd do a triple take. Was baaaaad.

Uhm... ex girlfriend woke up, she was in her car, parked in the middle of her lawn, keys in the ignition, her door open, and her head was on the horn, making it blast. Shed no clue how she got there or how long there.

Buddy in college got drunk and passed out. We saran wrapped his door on the outside and wiped the plastic down with vaseline. Then pounded on the door and yelled "fire"... it was beautiful. He ran through, got covered all over his front. The shower he took after, however, didn't erase the penis his ex drew on the back of his neck with permanent marker. (hed been a jerk to her and kind of deserved it) it was a day before he knew hed been walking around with a penis on the back of his neck.

Drunk cousin: When I was in the 8th grade I had a sister that was a freshman a cousin that was a freshmen and one that was a sophomore... we decided to skip school and someone got a hold of some beer well the oldest cousin got pretty wasted so we decided to go to the local hamburger joint to get some food to help sober her up... while we were sitting there eating all of a sudden she drops her head in her hands and barfs her hands and plate full... lol when she raised up puke was all on her forehead and dripping from her eye lashes... gross

Laxatives : When I was in my early 20's I lived with 4 cousins well one of them was always taking laxatives... It was winter time,we went to Frisch's to pick up and order of food... back in the day when they had car hops... lol well she had on slick bottom house shoes, pj, and a coat with a fur collar, looking to cute.

Any way before they brought out our order pain struck her and she needed to go potty and so we told her to get in there if she went on herself we would make her get in the back of the truck and ride home(it had a camper top on it)
Well she attempted to get out of the truck but the ice and snow on the pavement along with the sllcik houseshoes and she almost slid under the truck... it was so damned funny watching her claw her way up from under that truck trying to hold on and not poop herself... well eventually she made it to the potty no help from us as we were in the truck rolling... I think she called us *$itchs all the way into the bathroom.


Drunk Husband:
After I married my husband he like to go and tie one on every so often... it got to be old and I started to cop an attitude... well one night he came home passed out on the couch after he threw off his nice little leather shoes beside the t.v.

I guess he needed to go potty, so he gets up stumbles over to our floor model t.v. puts his arm against the window frame and proceeds to try to unzip his pants... I run grab the boot tray and his little leather shoes and hold them under him and let him fill them full and then very nicely set them out on the front porch fulll of his pee. The next day,
He didn't believe me until he saw the salt stains on the leather:)

Drunk cousin...laxatives...

Don't all good drunk stories have these two elements?

Seriously... all the rest is just embellishment. Drunk person, laxitives. It's a party.

Ah guys, brilliant stories! Thank you!

I remember, when we had just started college, the days when nobody knew each other.
One guy called Jack had to talk to loads of people on stage, so my friend Johnny decided it would be funny to pull down Jack's trousers. Unluckily for Jack they came down boxers and all. Johnny was so apologetic. Jack just said "Now you have to do something for me". Two weeks later Johnny came to college with a tattoo of "JACK" on his left shoulder. They became best friends after that! :)

Bouche, how funny Jack on his back forever.

When I was about 19 I was home from college and I had a party at my house when my parents were away. My mom had this decoration thing in the kitchen it was a basket with like fake bagels, breads, and fruits in it. I was in the basement with a bunch of people and my one friend was in the kitchen. When he came down in the basement he was eating a bagel. And I asked him where he got it. And he said from the basket in the kitchen but don't eat them cause I ate two already and I think they are stale!! Oh man I couldn't stop laughing. I am actually laughing right now thinking about it.