OK.. when I love someone, I know that I love them for them. I'd say that I'm a nice guy, with good moral values, etc, etc.

However recently I have noticed that I react differently to girls with money (with really rich parents). Like... its hard to explain it but I just want to love those type of girls (even if they have a bad personality or look ugly).. and the only thing that I think is the thing that makes we want to like them is their money.

Is there a way to make me stop having these feelings??

Simple - you are superficial and don't plan to achieve your own independence.
Good luck with that!

Yeah stop going after their money. Make your own and pick the woman that you want to be with based on the person.. not material possessions. You get invoved with someone solely for money and not personality, what does that say about you as a person?

Hi,
Marriages are built on many things as a foundation. For some, it's love for each other, whether through "sickness or health", etc.
For others, it's based on other things, such as money, financial well-being. A much younger woman might marry a wealthy, much older man, to be financially well off, taking care of the older man; an arrangement in marriage that happens sometimes. Or, could be the other way around with a much older woman, marrying a much younger man, with money involved.
There is nothing wrong with arrangements such as this, if both partners know exactly why they are getting married.
You have to decide what you really want out of life. I've been married now for 29 yrs, and it wasn't for money. We are in love, and want to be with each other. Your decision may be based on something else; it's your choice. I do wish you the best.
I do disagree with the previous answer about "don't plan to achieve your own independence" (I changed the spelling of "independance") because many marry into money, use some of it for attending Universities or Colleges, or better themselves, so they can achieve their own personal goals. I have known a few married people like that, and it worked out fine for both of them. They are still married after many, many years. In one case, he is lawyer, and she became a Doctor, after they married.

Material things are not the things that will give u eternal happiness. Money is not true love. And as needkarma said its all superficial.
Material things i.e money come and go.
Grow up and be more independent not a puppy for money!

Sorry, but I have to relate to the thread title: loving someone, or loving the money?
I don't agree here with Fred, because I don't think the example he gave applies here. I have the feeling that you're a young guy and you haven't made up your mind yet about the nature of the relationship you'd like to have. Although there are cases where people get involved and /or get married because one of them is better off and the other more needy, these situations might work out well only when both parties are honest about it and know what's it all about. That's not the impression I got in this case. If one gets into such a relationship without putting all the cards on the table, at least one of them will end up miserably - they're heading for a life based on deception,I can't see any happy-end here.
Millie

HI,
Since you didn't mention your age in your question, I gave a general answer to marrying into money.
However, if you want to stop yourself from dating others who have rich parents, then just stop. It is normal to want money; that's why most people work for a living. There isn't anything wrong with hoping that someday, one might be in the same lifestyle as the "rich and famous". Your thoughts are normal about money, but if you think your thoughts are overtaking you, then just stop with asking those girls out.

One of the answers here raises an ethical question in my mind. It seems to me that marrying someone for their money violates the sanctity of marriage as described by Christianity (see:http://www.epc.org/documents/SanctityofMarriage.pdf). Clearly such a union would violate Christian tenents.

In addition, I don't see marriage as an "arrangement" but as a covenant between two people.

Therefore, it seems to me that marriage for money, especially if only one party was aware of it, would be unethical.

You want to know how you can stop being attracted to women just for their money? Get a real woman who enriches your soul not your pockets!:cool: :)

Hi Talaniman
I have to express my appreciation for your entry in this way
Millie:)

Thank you from the heart!:cool: :)

Sounds like a love of money, and I think you somehow associate that having a wife with rich parents will mean you will be rich too.

As an independent person capable of taking care of myself, I would not want my wife's parents – or even my own parents - to hand out money to me. Sure, everyone needs a little help once in awhile, and I plead guilty to using the “Bank Of Dad” once or twice for a loan.

As a parent, I also feel that my kids will need to be self-sufficient and live on their own. And I may become the “Bank of Dad” once in awhile, just like my Dad was.

So ---
If you marry my daughter thinking you'll get my money and you end up hurting her, let's just say you'll need money … for health care. ;)

We were helped by our parents, and we help our kids.
But they stand on their own feet and so did we.
Helping the children doesn't mean they don't have to provide for themselves, grow up and be independent
Millie

HI,
I am not trying to justify someone marrying strickly for money. I did not say that in any of my answers.
What I am saying is that in America, people do have "arrangements" in marriage, with many marriages being both for money and taking care of someone; give and take.
"Unethical" might be a word that these married couples do not agree with. I have not anywhere, mentioned a Christian marriage, to any extent. However, all marriages are not "Christian" marriages. The original question did not relate in any way to "Christians" or religion.

HI,
I am not trying to justify someone marrying strickly for money. I did not say that in any of my answers.
What I am saying is that in America, people do have "arrangements" in marriage, with many marriages being both for money and taking care of someone; give and take.
"Unethical" might be a word that these married couples do not agree with. I have not anywhere, mentioned a Christian marriage, to any extent. However, all marriages are not "Christian" marriages. The original question did not relate in any way to "Christians" or religion.

In your original answer you stated; "There is nothing wrong with arrangements such as this,". That certainly looks like you were justifying it.

You are correct that neither you or the original question mentioned Christian marriages. My point was that stating there was nothing wrong with such a marriage seemed to be counter to the Christian concept of "Sanctity of Marriage". Therefore, it would seem unusual for a devout Christian to say there was nothing wrong in it.

"My point was that stating there was nothing wrong with such a marriage seemed to be counter to the Christian concept of "Sanctity of Marriage"."
Did you see the word "arrangement"?? Guess not.

"My point was that stating there was nothing wrong with such a marriage seemed to be counter to the Christian concept of "Sanctity of Marriage"."
Did you see the word "arrangement" ??? Guess not.So you condone unmarried people living together where one is simply there for the other's money?

"My point was that stating there was nothing wrong with such a marriage seemed to be counter to the Christian concept of "Sanctity of Marriage"."
Did you see the word "arrangement" ??? Guess not.

Yes I did see the word "arrangement". How does that mitigate or change what I said.

Personally, I believe that marriage is a covenant between two people who feel so strongly about each other that they want to share their lives. If one of the parties feels more strongly about the other person's money then they do about the person, then, In my opinion, that violates that covenant. So I totally disagree with your statement that there is nothing wrong with such arrangements.

Furthermore, my second point was that given what the Bible and Christian religions have to say about marriage it was unChristian to state there was nothing worng with such arrangements.

Now if you want support your argument that there is nothing wrong with such arrangements, or that Christian doctrine would agree, then please feel free to try and do so. So far, you have done neither.

GenomeX, I married a man whose parents are very wealthy. However, when we first met, he wasn't even speaking to his parents and had refused their help to get through medical school. He got through med school on student loans and now has a debt of over $220,000! So obviously I wasn't with him for money.

He's speaking to his parents again, partially because of my intervention, and partially because there are now children in the picture, and it's not fair to them to not be able to see their grandparents. And yes we have accepted money from them, but again mostly because of the children. I get along well with my in-laws, but my father-in-law is somewhat of a "tyrant" when it comes to money. Everyone tiptoes around him and treats him extra-specially nice in the hopes of getting money, and he's aware of this and plays it to his advantage. This was the original reason my husband stopped talking to them in the first place.

You might wonder why I'm rambling on like this, but I guess I'm trying to show you that marrying a person whose parents have money will not necessarily be a wonderful thing. It's much better to make your own way in the world.

as for what answers actually pertain to the question... it is nothing that you don't already know... I mean, c'mon. I could tell you its wrong but you already know that... and you are still attracted to girls with money.

So here's what I think. Follow your heart. If it leads you to a girl who has a lot of money, or whose parents have a lot of money... GO FOR IT! Follow your heart.

One of two things is likely to happen:

1) You will suffer through a terrible relationship with a superficial girl that knows little of the value of Life itself and will come out of it a wiser man (experiance being the only TRUE teacher)

or...

2) You will fall madly in love and marry the girl of your dreams. Maybe she just happens to come from a wealthly family... Well, you can't compain about that!

If people are using others just for their money. You are only hurting them. Is that what you want? Love is more important then anything in this world. If you do not have love then the purpose about this life is lost.

Joe

"fredg disagrees: "don't plan to achieve your own independence" is just a guess; not always a true fact."

Yes Fred, you always post true facts not your opinions. :rolleyes:
Sigh... It's OK, I was expecting this.

I agree with everybody here who said that " loving " someone for their money is WRONG!
I mean how can somebody call this love?

Even IF it was a criteria of selection ( to start dating someone ) ( and that can the case in some classes of society ), then after a couple of dates, if ONLY money is the interesting thing about that person, a " normal " person wouldn't stay in this relationship . If you do, you are either a masochist, or you will cheat your spouse/partner later on !

However, if money is not the ONLY good thing about that person, and you truly love ech other, then it's the icing on the cake !

My two cents...

For endless amounts of years people have married for money. I have dated men who werent completely my type because they had money. The thing is, everyone knew the reason. You people act like he has to follow some christian value system or that dating for anything less than love is horrible.
Gee, I thought open mindedness was a rampant thing here, guess not.
I think you should date who the hell you want no matter if they are poor, rich or wealthy. Money is sexy! It can turn an ugly man into a beautiful man. The thing is if you are Using them for the money, well thats a big no no. But if it is a sex appeal thing, like a nice pair of legs, a nice ***, great tits, wit, personality, then why is it such a bad thing. Its like if a guy only dated singers or dancers. If money turns you on and it makes the ugly or stupid women seem more appealing, go for it. It might be their only chance for a relationship with a good looking man.
We must be realistic. Some people only have money going for them. And they will marry, screw or date people all of their lives who enjoy many things about them including their money. No one should be ashamed for this. Love stems from many things.

Hypatia

For endless amounts of years people have married for money. I have dated men who werent completely my type because they had money. The thing is, everyone knew the reason ... Money is sexy! It can turn an ugly man into a beautiful man...
I totally disagree. This line of thinking is the ultimate form of vanity.

If two people agree on what kind of relationship they want built on their needs who cares how they do it if they both are adults. What's important to me is not necessarily important to you so make yourself happy. The problem starts when we start to judge one another instead of minding our own business. I don't agree at all that money makes ugly people beautiful but that's just me.:cool: :eek:

The thing is if you are Using them for the money, well thats a big no no.
Hypatia


And that's my point. If the only reason you are marrying someone is because they have money, then you ARE using them. If money is just part of the attraction and there are other factors that may create a different issue.

And let me differentiate between dating and marrying. Clearly, the two are different. Dating is the process of getting to know someone. I don't deny that money is clearly a attraction. Its enough to start a relationship, but its not enough, by itself, to sustain a relationship.

Everyone is going to have their own opinion but she is right about the reality of the world. Sure, money "shouldnt" be what attracts one to another... but in reality, for a lot of people, IT IS! How many true loves have found one another solely because of the one's BIG bank account? Just like a true love finding its other because of the ones's BIG ***, ****, or **** (I made the * myself... but you get the point).

And as for it setting back feminism, we can't assume that ONLY women are attracted to men's money. The thread starter alone is proof of that.

Money is sexy? Well sure... or maybe its what money can give a man that's sexy.. maybe it's the confidence, the power or money that one finds sexy. Or maybe it's the fact that if one HAS money, they must have the attributes & characteristics that allowed them to obtain money... smart, business & success-minded, goal-oriented, a go-getter, etc. That's definitely sexy!

(yeah, yeah... of course theirs the spoiled little brats that live off the family money... but Im not talking about them)

Everyone is going to have their own opinion but she is right abotu the reality of the world. Sure, money "shouldnt" be what attracts one to another... but in reality, for a lot of people, IT IS!! How many true loves have found one another solely because of the one's BIG bank account? Just like a true love finding its other becuase of the ones's BIG ***, ****, or **** (I made the * myself... but you get the point).


I agree and disagree. I agree with the reality. I disagree that money shouldn't be what attracts. I don't see any problem money being all or part of the initial attraction. What I'm saying is that money ALONE cannot and should not sustain a relationship.

Philly, how would this be an ultimate form of vanity?
Vanity by definition is "excessive pride, especially in your appearance" .
Pride is "feeling of superiority: a haughty attitude shown by people who believe, often unjustifiably, that they are better than others ".

How is loving or dating someone because they have money, and this attracts you, vanity at all? The ultimate form of vanity would be overlooking money as an attribute to this persons attractiveness in favor of your own shallow perceptions of what is proper or personally moral to find attractive.

"NeedKarma agrees: It sets feminism back 40 years. Plus it's another form of using someone."

How?! I think it proves feminism is working. Now it is completely visible that men are taking the traditional role of a woman. In older ages the only way a woman could move up in the world was to marry up. She couldnt attend college and be independent.
this guy is admitting to doing what women have done for centuries to move up as a reality in his life. It proves that the playing field is becoming even when men take the roles of women and women take the roles of men. I see feminism at a penacle!
Using someone? So it is ok to marry or date rich if you want to have sex with them, like to hang out with them or find them funny or smart? Arent we all using everyone to a fault? We use the ones we love daily. We use them to love them, we use them to partner with us and split chores, financial obligations, raising of the kids etc. Everyone uses and is used. Just because you find one morally wrong and one morally right does not make it ok. We all have different standards and views that must be respected or at least should be. When people begin to force right and wrong depending on their moral views they miss the experience of freedom and will only see either likeness or opposition.

Scott said "What I'm saying is that money ALONE cannot and should not sustain a relationship."

I think anything ALONE so long as it is an attraction is a good reason to go on a date. What if this guy meets a woman people define as below average in every way and falls madly in love with her? Money ALONE attracted him to her but her traits would have won him over in the end. If love isnt there more than likely she will dump him or he dump her. Nothing is harmed in the experience or trying. I think money alone will not ever sustain a relationship but then again, who are we to know who havent experienced it? How can we define something unknown to us other than in theory?


Hypatia

Based on the previous post I am going to find me a sweet college girl and pay her $200/month for 'companionship' - how can that be wrong?

Where do you think you can get a sweet college girl for $200/month? You'd better ask your wife for a substantial raise in your allowance!:cool: :eek:

Scott said "What I'm saying is that money ALONE cannot and should not sustain a relationship."

I think anything ALONE so long as it is an attraction is a good reason to go on a date. What if this guy meets a woman people define as below average in every way and falls madly in love with her? Money ALONE attracted him to her but her traits would have won him over in the end. If love isnt there more than likely she will dump him or he dump her. Nothing is harmed in the experience or trying. I think money alone will not ever sustain a relationship but then again, who are we to know who havent experienced it? How can we define something unknown to us other than in theory
Hypatia


So you agree with me! Thanks.

I looked back (not "...in anger".. ) to my 1st post on this topic, and now , after having read what's been said here, I feel even stronger concerning what I said then: honesty is the first ingredient we have to consider, in human relationships generally speaking, it's imperative in this specific issue, and before all that: one has to be first of all honest with himself.
And here's something positive I have to say about GenomeX:
He was at least honest with himself. That's a beginning.
I'm not sure if he was uneasy with what he found out inside him: that's not clear - he might have needed reassurance here- he might have liked to know if it's something common with others, it might have annoyed him - maybe he had other notions about love - all these things are not at all clear from his letter.
In any case, I MUST give him this credit: he started an interesting debate!
Millie

Philly, how would this be an ultimate form of vanity?
Vanity by definition is "excessive pride, especially in your appearance" .
Pride is "feeling of superiority: a haughty attitude shown by people who believe, often unjustifiably, that they are better than others ".

In this context, vanity refers to your own excessive pride in the exaggeration of how important money is to you.

" In this context, vanity refers to your own excessive pride in the exaggeration of how important money is to you"

Is he exaggerating its importance or merely recognizing it? Is it a shame to recognize a love for money as a factor in your attractiveness to others?

Hypatia

Its kind of funny...

Lets say I am at the supermarket and I walk past this woman. The first thing that stands out are her incredible EYES! They're gorgeous! Instantly, I am totally entranced and attracted to her EYES. Without any hesistation, I appoach her and ask her on a date. And (despite the terrible cliche) I tell her about how I fell in love with her eyes. Ohhh, Im such the romantic guy, right?

On the other hand, "Lets say I am at the supermarket and I walk past this woman. The first thing that stands out are her incredible [BREASTS]! The gorgeous! Instantly, I am totally entranced and attracted to her [BREASTS]. Without any hesistation, I appoach her and ask her on a date." Now, if I were to tell her about how I instantly fell in love with her breasts, after I get slapped, Im likely to be told how shallow of a person I am.

And in the last scenario, lets say the first thing I see is this woman's Benz and expensive wardrobe... she's obviously wealthy. Instantly I am attracted to her for this reason. I apporach her and ask her on a date. Again, I don't think she would take too kindly to me telling her that I instantly fell in love with her bank roll.

In any of these scenarios, this woman and I could be meant for each other. We could be soul mates... in order for us to every meet, there would have to be SOMETHING that attracts one of us to the other, right? However, we have these ideas of what is morally right to be attracted to.

A relationship cannot work based on an attraction to the eyes alone, nor beasts nor money alone. But what makes one okay to create the original attraction and not the others?

Is it a shame to recognize a love for money as a factor in your attractiveness to others?

I'll go with Yes. But then again you knew I was going to say that 'cause you're psychic.

So I should bow my head in shame for falling instantly in love with my husband when we shared our first kiss and I got a bit of that huge c***?
It wasnt his personality that made me keep going out with him. Now we are best friends, soulmates, going on 3 unblemished years. Few fights, tons of love, and yeah, we still burn for each other just like the day we met. Crazy isnt it!
Im an empath, not a mind reader. I feel ya......really.

Hypatia

I think the disconnect that we are feeling here is that the original asker said about girls with money:
I just want to love those type of girls (even if they have a bad personality or look ugly).. and the only thing that I think is the thing that makes we want to like them is their money.

He mentions nothing about getting to know the person and having an emotional bond, he says "the thing that makes we want to like them is their money".

I actually agree with most of the posts that say it can be a feature of attraction but to have the whole relationship based on that is where I want to object.

BTW Hypatia - you made me laugh with "I feel ya......really." :)

HAHA that's totally true... I had forgotten that he had said "(even if they have a bad personality or look ugly)" lol

How quickly we are to debate over ANYTHING here... I love it!

Damn time to clean up for the weekend....I will follow up on this later. I totally love you all! So many minds, views and personalities. Its like a party but better, you arent drinking my "wine" hahaha.

Hypatia

The "real" Hypatia
http://img104.imageshack.us/img104/7539/hypatiamuse3zl.gif

Nice pic... by the way, I have money ;) lol

At least you're honest with yourself and admit that you're attracted to their money and it's certainly easy to be tempted by that. Just tell yourself that money doesn't buy happiness and believe it because it's true. Keep in mind that young girls with rich parents are often spoiled and never satisfied. Do you really want to "love" that type of person? Now I'm not suggesting that everyone who's been successful is a bad person but you yourself admitted that "even if they have a bad personality or look ugly." Of course, as for outer appearances, it's always the inside that counts as I'm sure you've heard a million times before. Keep in mind also that the parents' wealth is not the girl's wealth. If you were to marry such a woman, you'd have to support yourselves on your own steam just like any other young couple starting in life ; the in-laws are not going to support you. Especially if her parents are "self-made wealthy" ; they'll expect the two of you to acquire your own wealth the same way they did. You may stand to gain a big inheritance when they pass on but that may be many, many years down the road. Contrary to what a lot of young people erroneously believe, "marrying well", as they say, is not a "get-rich-quick" scheme. Love truly does conquer all but money won't.

There is something alluring about wealth and power whether we like to admit it or not. At least your being honest. Being honest with yourself will steer you right.

GenomeX may want to look at what happens to the fellows who do marry into money. I grew up in one of the wealthiest communities in the states and I think Orange's post #18 was glossed over far too easily.

From what I have read, come to know of others and experienced myself directly - money is one of those lightening rod type things and ought not be taken lightly. Its for good reason its often listed in the top three things couples argue over. And its definitely a power thing.

It should be stated emphatically for the record that one does not acquire money by matrimony without a tangible amount of sacrificing a WHOLE BUNCH of other stuff in the process. Women often know this intrinsically when they marry the rich and powerful; I am not so sure about the lads.

I do know firsthand that wealth simply exaggerates all that life is - the good, the bad, the ugly and the absurd. And until GenomeX who loves the rich girls knows what its really like in the "rest of the story", he is flying blind. It is very understandable that those who don't know money imagine a world of money incorrectly - its very easy to do, which was Chava's point in her post. And many others here have voiced similar concerns, and validly so I believe.

Almost like a religion, one of the things wealth or fame teaches (among many things) is to marry your own kind, but that's not to say there isn't the occasional exception. I am one of the exceptions. It just turns out more like the movie "Arthur" than not. A friend of mine, wealthy famous rock band member, recently divorced his wife, who was a groupy he met in the parking lot. As I saw it, she never stood a chance. Sad.

I hope this offers a little different perspective, maybe one that is useful even? :o