A lot of these topics here.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 10 years. We had taken space apart a couple of years into our relationship and didn't end up speaking for over a year. In that time we both dated other people and did not speak a single word to one another (she said she wanted space) until one day she sent me a message. We quickly met up- and got back together almost instantly after both of us realized that taking that break was a mistake and that we do want to be together.

Fast forward to now. A house,a successful business and office together, dogs and cats and a thousand more memories and we're back here again. She wanting to take space.

She says I've been negative for the last year or so and is tired of us arguing and isn't sure that we should be together if we both make each other upset- so she wants to do some soul searching. To get herself back in check- to be able to be herself again. As some people experience when you get into a long term relationship you tend to change a bit. Become somewhat domesticated... lose contact with some friends and have different outlooks on life- as a couple and sometimes you feel crowded. It happens.. Ideally it only happens on a small scale but sometimes it happens on a much greater scale... like in her situation.

Her thinking I'm not very nice and negative is the worst thing out of all of this.. Having a business has really changed the way I am and my tolerances and my life drive. I'm not violent and I don't call her names but I am fairly negative as of late- so she has a perfectly valid point. It's damn tiring hearing your other-half being negative all the time.

This all started with a pretty big fight the other week. It got way out of control and I think it sent her over the edge. So here I am. A sobbing little (I never sob) and a girlfriend whom I love more than anything not sure if she wants us to be together. Not because of not loving one another but because she doesn't want us to keep making each other unhappy (read:me making her unhappy with negativity). We're suppose to be a family and families shouldn't make each other feel bad.

I'm not sure what to do. I fully encourage her to go out (but of course that makes it seem like I'm giving permission. Which is bad) and have fun with her friends and family. Go dancing.. dinner.. whatever she needs. Somewhere along the lines my negativity must have given the impression that it's not cool to go out without me. Of course I would never ever say such a thing.. or even think it.. but maybe my body language read something else.

I'm just worried that she will realize that perhaps she doesn't want me or that she doesn't love me or god know what other horrible conclusion. I'm realistic. I know what could happen. I've ended up talking with her about our state of affairs a few times (a day- bad, bad, bad) about how I can't stay here if we aren't together and she said she doesn't mind if I'm here and to stop being so pushy as this is part of the problem.. she feels crowded. And it's driving her crazy!

Things haven't been so well for her professionally and other stresses are building up too- I think I put her over the top.

So she's not ready for me right now. And doesn't know if she ever will be(I've heard this before in the heat of the moment). What do I do? I'm trying to really read between the lines here. To see if there's a chance.

Do I chill out and take it easy? Not be so stressed around her? Act like a friend, again? Even if I move out- we still share office space together that is dependent on me.

I really feel like I'm stuck in bad place.

Stop working and take her on a 3-5 day cruise around Hawaii or Carribeans

I tried! She is so stressed about her work and getting by that she doesn't want to go away. I'm sure me being negative is not that appetizing either.

I tried! she is so stressed about her work and getting by that she doesn't want to go away. I'm sure me being negative is not that appetizing either.


1. Buy tickets to cruise
2. Show up at her house and go in
3. Do not talk to her/respond to her when she questions your presence
4. Put the tickets in her hands and whisper "I know you're in a bad mood and stressful situations. Please take this and let yourself be merry."

Now, there are two outcomes:
5. Your girlfriend kisses you and you two make love

OR

5. Your girlfriend puts the ticket down and walks off

I hope it's the first five.

Man, you must be in a tough place. I would say just try to give her space. It's a hard thing to do when you love someone very much, but sticking around would only make things worse. And please stop worrying and wondering what she will decide, because you cannot control her decision. If she wants to be with you, she will and if she decided that she wants out, there is really not much you can do. You can't make someone love you, or you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I don't know your situation, but it could just be that she is stressed out and really everything is just getting to her. And you arguing with her and being negative probably didn't help. It's seems that she is just stressed out.

Step back a little, be reserved and let her come to you. All the best

1. Buy tickets to cruise
2. Show up at her house and go in
3. Do not talk to her/respond to her when she questions your presence
4. Put the tickets in her hands and whisper "I know you're in a bad mood and stressful situations. Please take this and let yourself be merry."

Now, there are two outcomes:
5. Your girlfriend kisses you and you two make love

OR

5. Your girlfriend puts the ticket down and walks off

I hope it's the first five.


If I feel I'm making ground with her where she warms up. I'll probably take her to Thailand. Or ill take someone else if she rejects... ugh.

Take it slow as your are walking a fine line

step back a little, be reserved and let her come to you. all the best

This is so true. But damn, is it ever hard. She called and let me know she's going out to dinner with her sister and then going out to dance.. just having a good time for the first time in while. I shakily overstep my (new)boundary and ask if she thinks she'll be home tonight. She's says probably unless she drinks too much(she never ever drinks anymore) in which case she'll crash at her sisters(stupid responsible drinking).

My stomach sank... even though I know she'll be cool and won't mess around(I hope at least).

Aside from taking back time to be by herself and not being so cuddly (while she figures this out) she talks and acts exactly the same. It's only when I ask "where are weeeeeeeeeeeee????? wah wah wah " do things get all shaky and she sketches out.

It's good you know what makes her tick. So don't ask. Withdraw your attention a little. You might be surprised at what could happen. And maybe she would find her way back to you and she will be chasing you... it's hard, yes, but whoever said that relationship was going to be perfect?;)... expect good things and don't think too much about her leaving you. Focusing on something and trying to fight something only gives it power to persist... I am sure you have heard of that before?. what you resist persists... I would suggest you pick up a copy of the secret... or go to... www.thesecret.tv....and read the stories on there...

I feel that taking her on a cruise won't help... if she's "sick of you" (which is... what I'm assuming by her telling you she needs space), locking her up on a boat for a week won't do anything but drive the both of you so crazy you'll want to jump ship. Take it from personal experience. Do not... go on a boat when things are going badly.

It's like every relationship, but... this time, it's more of a marriage than a relationship. You two share a house, a business, and pets. That's a marriage.

I think you two need to sit down, really talk this out, perhaps get some counseling. Most of the time, I'd just flat out and say, "give her space...and you go ahead and live your own life as well" but this isn't that easy... as you two are basically... married.

Try to bring up the counseling, not just together but for yourself as well (negativity... etc.). Try to work things out together. If things don't work out in the end, then... well, we'll go from there. But for now, since you two share so many things together, I feel that ending things will be much more significant than just "losing a girlfriend"

I feel that taking her on a cruise won't help...if she's "sick of you" (which is...what I'm assuming by her telling you she needs space), locking her up on a boat for a week won't do anything but drive the both of you so crazy you'll want to jump ship. take it from personal experience. do not...go on a boat when things are going badly.

It's like every relationship, but...this time, it's more of a marriage than a relationship. You two share a house, a business, and pets. That's a marriage.

I think you two need to sit down, really talk this out, perhaps get some counseling. Most of the time, I'd just flat out and say, "give her space...and you go ahead and live your own life as well" but this isn't that easy...as you two are basically...married.

Try to bring up the counseling, not just together but for yourself as well (negativity...etc.). Try to work things out together. If things don't work out in the end, then...well, we'll go from there. But for now, since you two share so many things together, I feel that ending things will be much more significant than just "losing a girlfriend"

Maybe a personal cruise?

Ah, that's more like it. Time off from each other?

Sweet...

ah, that's more like it. time off from each other?

sweet...

Yep :)

If after 10 years you have recognised that she needs a break, give her one. Most guys go fishing, golfing, or bowling ,enough to give there female a regular break, but if you haven't been, its obvious you need to. It also makes YOU feel better, and don't have to be a sourpuss, in your own home. That you can control.

Thanks for the advise everyone. I'm just going to have to take it down a notch.

She just called me to let me know what she was doing tonight and where she was planning on going. Which was nice of her-- I went out too... that seemed to make her happy. I'm reading into things too much I think... But I figure if she's volunteering this kind of info like who/what/where... she must still have something in her heart for me. Otherwise she'd just tell me to Eff off and let her live her life. Though I'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen, even though she's been 100% loyal to me over the years... I guess in a time like this a bit of paranoia is natural?

Paranoia... vomiting... crying hysterically in odd places... acting out... yeah, pretty normal.

I guess in a time like this a bit of paranoia is natural?
Not when it affects us in a negative way its not, that what may be at the heart of your problem. That's something to deal with proactively.

Got to agree with tal. Whenever you feel like you're paranoid (I know... you really don't notice that you're paranoid until someone tells you), distract yourself. It's a slippery slope that can only get you in trouble.

Not when it affects us in a negative way its not, that what may be at the heart of your problem. Thats something to deal with proactively.


I'm trying to keep it to myself. I'm not really a jealous person, ever in fact. But right now I'm feeling pretty low and I'm not sure we're even together.. so her going out drinking and crashing at her sisters place makes me a tad nervous. But yes, I mean, she will do what she wants to and me being paranoid isn't going to change that.

I don't let her know I'm paranoid. I just wished her a good night out and that was that.

Thanks for the advise everyone. I'm just going to have to take it down a notch.

she just called me to let me know what she was doing tonight and where she was planning on going. Which was nice of her-- i went out too... that seemed to make her happy. I'm reading into things too much i think... But i figure if she's volunteering this kind of info like who/what/where...she must still have something in her heart for me. Otherwise she'd just tell me to Eff off and let her live her life. Though i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen, even though she's been 100% loyal to me over the years... i guess in a time like this a bit of paranoia is natural?


Paranoia causes delusions which makes relationships fail.

You need to hang out with your friends; she needs to hang out with her friends.

So I woke up at about 5am this morning on the couch. I don't really remember what time I fell asleep.. but I don't think I slept much more than 3 hours. Par for the course this week I guess.

I was thinking of getting a card and writing my thoughts for her in it. Sometimes when I say things it comes out a little wrong. Maybe writing it down for her would help.

She just called me. She's still at her sisters- but they're both on the way back to the house. She asked if I wanted to go for lunch with them.

I don't get it.

She just called me. She's still at her sisters- but they're both on the way back to the house. She asked if i wanted to go for lunch with them.

I don't get it.

GO FOR LUNCH WITH THEM

It might be a sign of saying "hey.. let's have a small get-together.."

Well we went out for lunch. It was OK. But I kept have these huge waves of anxiety and awkwardness coming over me. After lunch we fell into the "talk" again, thanks to me :(. I tried to talk to her about the living and business arrangements and how I don't think I can stick around either in this environment I'm currently in as I feel like I'm going to go mental. She proceeded to tell me that we work well in the business together and fought hard for it and it would be a total waste to throw it away. She says she enjoys working with me and we do well together. I couldn't bare to run a business and have her there everyday- as just someone who works there.. as an ex. Later on we moved onto talking about our relationship, again, my fault. She's really getting p!ssed about these 'talks' we keep having.

She says that we've been having the same problems for over a year now. And that this hurt I feel right now is what she has been dealing with for the past while. I told her I know what it is that she wants and that I have it in me and that I just need to stop being so ignorant towards it and pay closer attention. I told her that I love her with all of my heart and the part that is hardest for me right now is hurting so much for someone that doesn't even know if she wants to be with me anymore. She says her heart wants to be with me still but logically it might not make sense and this is what she needs to figure out by having some time to herself-- to get reconnected to who she is. I wish we could still be together while she figures this out. Couldn't we be together but just take it down a notch? Sleeping on the couch sucks, bigtime. Even more so when you don't have a choice.

She says she cannot promise anything to me and wished I was appreciative of her honesty. I told her I could just pick up my stuff and go away-- but this seemed to get her more frustrated. She said in not so many words: 'can't you just relax and not be so dramatic... this is part of the problem'. I explained that I did not want to be around someone who I loved but didn't love me back the same way. As it's destroying me.

This is so hard after so many years.

There're certain things that are said that I cling onto in my mind. They haunt me till no end. Every time my eyes close for even a second the words come back to me and I'm awake in a flash. For instance, when I said I had a feeling how this time out was going to pan out-- she got upset at me and said to stop being so negative. I said the fact the my 'soul mate' doesn't know if she wants to be together anymore is pretty good inclination of where it's going. I mean, people should just know, shouldn't they, even if you need a break you should know deep down what you want? She than said "what makes you think we arent going to be together??" and I said 'we're on a break! '. Then she more or less says "you're always so logical. Why can't you be logical this one time! there's more to being together than being in a relationship. there are other ways of being together." At which point I'm totally lost as to what she means. She said it so certainly, like she knew we were just going to be friends.. of course, it might all just be in my head and I might be making a mountain out of a molehill... this is what I seem to do. This is probably why I am here typing this.

This is my hell. I wonder if I deserved it.

A week or so ago I was on my girlfriends computer grabbing an old email that I had lost for work. While there I saw in the sent items folder an email from an exbf that she hadn't dated since she was probably 20 or so (10+ yeas ago). It was a standard 'hey how's it going we should meet up sometime for coffee type of thing-- check out some of the work I've been doing'. I got all paranoid and told her I saw it and was pretty upset. She assured me it was nothing and that he was from a long long time ago and that it was nice that she could connect with some old friends. Well, this morning I actually checked her computer and saw that they are actually going to meet-up for coffee this evening to catch up. I thought about how to approach this with her so I danced around the notion of her looking for other people and if she is. She knew I read the email, but neither of us flat out addressed that we pretended that we were just talking in a as if scenario. She said there is absolutely nothing to worry about and that he was from a long long time ago and she is just looking for some new people and old friends to talk with. It got a little heated and she said that this is the kind of thing that is pushing her away. And that we need to get back in-touch with our friends to breath new life into where we are as individuals.
She never came out and said she was going to meet him, which kind of bothers me. And I don't know how meeting him will roll out. I asked her how she would feel if I started talking to one of my ex's.. and she responded with Jealous and Upset.

I felt super bad so I called her on her way to the office to apologize for being so intrusive during our break. She told me that these encounters are not helping us at all and are pushing everything further apart as she is getting more and more angry and frustrated and essentially dead inside. I told her I felt a bit confused because I didn't know if the final nail was in the coffin or if there was still hope. She said "honestly, i don't know. But i do know that the way we have been is bad for the both of us." We just need patients to see how everything goes.

Last night we had a good time, we ordered some food, watched a movie, talked and then when I was on the couch heading for bed she gave me a hug. I thought things we're getting positive.. and then I see that email..


I spoke to a relative about the email and they said that email is a result of the problem and not the cause of it and that I probably didn't have anything to worry about. She just needs a bit of new life and that any relationship she had with them was a long long time ago. Of course someone else said that when I women wants a break it means she's looking for someone better to make them happier.

She has never been unfaithful as far as I've known. But I'm feeling really lost and confused. In a way I'm worried that I made this email thing so uncomfortable for her that maybe she won't meet up with him and than resent me even more.

I think you forgot to attach the e-mail? But she wants space, you need to give it to her or she will be gone for good

Sorry, I wasn't planning on attaching it. I phrased that sentence kind of odd.

I understand she wants her space, I'm working on it. But how am I suppose to not get totally paranoid at
a)the possibility of a permanent demise of my relationship
b)the possibility of her doing something with her old friend/bf

Since subtle hint don't work, let do it the old fashion way.

She is basically tired of your insecure, selfish ways, and needs some space of her own, and instead of working on your own issues in an effort to be better, you bug her to hell trying to figure out what you should already know.

I am willing to bet you have been going along in your own world for some time now, and she has been telling you, or showing you for a while, what she needs, and wants, and you have ignored her over, and over again, and went with what was at the end of your nose.

The sad part is this is an easy fix with a few adjustments, but you would rather ponder the universe, than see what's in front of your face, and sorry, that's pathetic, and I bet her, and her sister are laughing there azz off at your inability to see reality, and act accordingly.

Okay that's the end of my rant. My advice, disappear for 3 days, go fishing or golfing, but you need the time to figure out exactly what your female is telling you, and how to accomplish it. ACTIONS AND NOT WORDS, so a plan is essential. Don't call, or talk to anyone, and see if your head is more receptive, to something besides your own needs, and attitudes, that you have apparently been foisting on her, and taking her for granted. She needs to do something besides listen to you, and your attitude. The word insensitive comes to mind, and you really need to work on that.

Let us know what you come up with.

I understand she wants her space, im working on it. But how am i suppose to not get totally paranoid at
a)the possibility of a permanent demise of my relationship
b)the possibility of her doing something with her old friend/bf
A man that has paid attention to the needs of his female, has neither paranoia, or insecurities about her actions. So obviously you have been ignoring something you needed to pay attention to.:rolleyes:

And the Tal-man is back! My have we missed your harsh true advice!

Great, thanks. Now I feel like a million!

I've never been jealous or insecure more than one or twice.. and I keep those to myself and am over it within minutes. It's the current circumstances at hand that do it to me. I feel like a terrible person and that is the reason for all of this and why it would be easy for someone else to swoop in and make her forget. Of course, in my current state of mind I also find my (ex)gf to be perfect and have placed the entire burden on my shoulders.

Hellonasty, Great, thanks. Now I feel like a million!
I've never been jealous or insecure more than one or twice.. and I keep those to myself and am over it within minutes.
That is not correct as your present post shows.

It's the current circumstances at hand that do it to me.
I think your like that a lot, an awful lot and are great at taking the smallest and most innocuous things and blowing them into mountains.

I feel like a terrible person and that is the reason for all of this and why it would be easy for someone else to swoop in and make her forget.
See what I mean, take the easy way out and put the burden on your own shoulders. That doesn't relieve you of responsibility nor excuse you for be a selfish..!

Of course, in my current state of mind I also find my (ex)gf to be perfect and have placed the entire burden on my shoulders
Your current state of mind is flawed and unrealistic, but I suppose it excuses you from getting your butt off the pity pot.


Now do you feel 2 millions times worse??

That is not correct as your present post shows.

I feel insecure now because of the current state of what's going on. I would hope it's natural, or somewhat at least.



I think your like that a lot, an awful lot and are great at taking the smallest and most innocuous things and blowing them into mountains.
I agree with this 1000%. In my mind I think something is a huge deal even when it's not. Maybe the email I read is something small and I shouldn't be concerned with it. It is only meeting with an ex that she is keeping from me. She suspiciously called me to say her work was running late tonight too.



See what I mean, take the easy way out and put the burden on your own shoulders. That doesn't relieve you of responsibility nor excuse you for be a selfish..!


I do believe most of this is my fault. I'm just trying to get to the root of it all. I'm worried now is too late and I'm trying to salvage a life together.



Your current state of mind is flawed and unrealistic, but I suppose it excuses you from getting your butt off the pity pot.

Can you please explain this to me?



Now do you feel 2 millions times worse??
Not really. I'm more interested now into why you think this. This might be something that can help me look inside of myself.

After 10 years, and your insecure with your female, that suggests a certain amount of selfishness on your part, and when people rise to that level, they don't pay attention, and miss the things they need to know that their partner is trying to tell them.

In your case I think you have missed some very clear hints, over time, and haven't paid attention to what she has been telling you, whatever that may be, and I base that on your reactions to what she has been telling you now. You only react, and pay attention when it threatens your comfort zone, that you are in, and I suspect, that's the only time you're a good listener.

You still haven't heard a word she has said, and can only think about you, as insecure people are very selfish, and hardly ever think how their actions effect others.

After 10 freakin years don't you think she wants to be paid attention to in the right way? And appreciated?? Have you been doing that??

Naw, you have probably been taking what you want, with little return to her. Hey maybe she was willing, but that may have changed.

I see some changes as your salvation, not being paranoid, but proactive.

Do I chill out and take it easy? Not be so stressed around her? Act like a friend, again?
Nice start.

Well she told me tonight that I feel like her best friend. She said she didn't mean it like *that* but I'm fairly sure she is feeling that we are just friends now in her heart.

I told her that I know the last year has been rough and that I know a year ago we said we'd work on it but didn't really. But it's taken me awhile to fully understand what it was that I was missing and I'm still learning... she thinks we both might just be changing.
I think she said that it's going to be hard if we both don't understand where this relationship is or if one of us thinks it's something it isn't. She said more about the way I made her feel bad and exactly what it was. I'm trying to listen to her. I'm trying to feel what her words are really saying.

Is there any coming out of this friend trap? Or am I needing to accept this all as the end?

well she told me tonight that I feel like her best friend. She said she didn't mean it like *that* but i'm fairly sure she is feeling that we are just friends now in her heart.

I told her that I know the last year has been rough and that i know a year ago we said we'd work on it but didn't really. But it's taken me awhile to fully understand what it was that I was missing and I'm still learning..... she thinks we both might just be changing.
I think she said that it's going to be hard if we both don't understand where this relationship is or if one of us thinks it's something it isn't.

Is there any coming out of this friend trap? Or am i needing to accept this all as the end?

This is the typical female species self-defense mode. My ex also said the same thing; excuses were "the relationship isn't going anywhere", "I don't have feelings for you anymore," and "I think we should be friends and take it again in the future."

Tal, BB123, ISF, Rome, HJP (me), and every other guy whose been dumped... faced the same crap the female species put us up to.

As I was told before, the female species tend to put false hopes in order to make themselves feel "secure"

So you're saying I'm screwed?

So you're saying I'm screwed?

Not exactly screwed... Tal knows more :D

Ask him xD

hellonasty...

Just exactly what do you want from this? Ask yourself this. Really, what do you want from this?

I want to have my girlfriend back with me. If I change things I want to see if it will be better. There is so much at stake and so much of my heart invested that I would try near anything to get this back on track again.

I'll be absolutely honest with you (maybe even brutal... I'm having a rough one today so bear with me).

... MOST of us that come here asking the question "My girlfriend needs space" (and trust me, there are about... mmmm... 20 posts like that a day) want what you want. We want the girl back. Here's the catch.. it's unlikely. It's not impossible... but it's highly unlikely. The relationship ended for a reason... a reason that the girl has. It could be a new guy (probably happens 80% of the time), it could be because she's bored of you, it could be because she knows it's just not working out anymore (which I think... MAY be your case). Whatever the reason may be (and often times, it's not what the girl SAYS it is... ), there's a reason that things ended. Until that reason is fixed, the relationship isn't going to get mended.

Imagine a car with a bad battery. You keep trying to start it, and sure, the engine may turn once or twice, but it'll eventually sputter and die. Many think, "If I can just get this engine started, the battery'll eventually charge itself and I'll be ok." Some also think, "If I get someone to jump start the car...it'll be ok." And sure, it IS OK. Heck, you may even get to your next destination. But you know what, next time you turn off the engine, your car won't start. You have to get to the matter of it, and that's... to get a new battery.

Your situation is FAR more complicated than others... as you two share a home, a business, pets, etc. etc. etc. It's basically a marriage. Even then, as complicated as it is, the problems and solutions are basic. If you truly believe that you need to fix yourself, that has to happen first. Having your girl back won't fix you. At this moment, I know that you think, "If we try again, I'll work it out," and this may be true... but it happens very rarely.

Most of us needs a good kick in the butt (like... a breakup) to get ourselves into shape.

We cry. We mourn. We don't eat, sleep, or do anything for a while... but eventually, we realize we need to fix something, so we start doing things. Some of us join gyms, some of us get new hobbies, new jobs... heck, I bought a new motorcycle, quit my job, and bought a restaurant.. . mostly because of a breakup.

That's just it. Having a girlfriend won't fix anything. If anything, things will go down the same spiral and things will end worse than it ended the first time. Right now, you have to get your mind off the girl. You have to do things for YOU... which means, if you see a problem in yourself, then you have to fix this FOR YOURSELF. Don't do it for the girl, and certainly don't do this to get the girl back. Why? Because it'll backfire. You'll fall into the same routine because you didn't do it for you. It's like dieting for the beach. Sure, you work out for a little bit... you look great at the beach... but after the beach season, you eat the same crap, stop working out, etc.. . it happens. It's not "you"... it's just being human.

I asked you what you wanted... and you said, "I want my girlfriend back." Let me ask again... what do you want for yourself? And if that answer has ANYTHING to do with a girlfriend, I suggest you think harder. What do you want... FOR YOURSELF. You want a better body? Better job? New haircut?

I want to be happy again, with myself, I don't like who I am right now and who I might be becoming.

I have my own business (that she works for) and I just got a new haircut. I want to get in shape.

I don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable.

After my break up of one year four months relationship, I binged on food and starved for couple days. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate, think, feel etc. The devstation was so awful that I wanted to quit school and take time off, but I didn't.

2 months have gone by after the break up.

Guess what? My ex told me shot got a phone as a telephone marketing and QUIT HER JOB 2 days later!. That was one of the issues that came to my mind: MY EX IS WEAK IN ALL ASPECTS. She asked me to help her be a vegetarian and I told her to eat healthy as in rice, egg, veggies, fruits etc. Well, I don't know what happened but she gave up ON THAT AS WELL.

Since then, I've thought of myself as a successful parent, billionaire, professional doctor/therapist, attractive handsome guy etc. I imagined myself driving in a tuned up Mazda RX-7 and a Lamborghini...

Now, I am going to go to advanced technical school for training. Next summer, I MIGHT go in the National Guard for training and return to university to pursue a degree in psychology & possibly human development.

My ex? I wouldn't know. I'll probably see her in San Francisco with her "friends" in the streets or partying.

One of my good teachers from high school, who is a Command Sergeant Major of the US Marine Corps and organized plans in 'Nam war, told me this:

Listen up carefully. You need to stay in school for your education; I don't care where you get it as long as you get that education. Why am I saying this? Look at the people around your, especially your graduating class seniors and friends.. many of them go to college to party, drink, sleep with random girls, and do drugs. They graduate as drunks and dopeheads, but you, my friend, stayed in school & got your education. You want to know what is the difference between you from college and others from college? What ever you learned in college STAYS WITH YOU FOREVER. Nobody can ever take your intelligence away.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

As far as the happiness, you have to tackle that head on. What's making you unhappy? The stress of the business?

You want to get in shape.. . so get in shape. Go to a gym. Start running.

You don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable... no one does. No one wants to be afraid of what might happen, but, take it from someone who's been at that same spot of the impending breakup... it happens. We get over it. We heal. We move on.

I understand that you're focused on this issue, and it's tearing you apart (I know, I've been there)... and it seems like your life's absolutely meaningless... but, you have to get past it. There's really no other way. The more you're away from this, the clearer the situation becomes. You ever wonder why people give good suggestions that they can't follow themselves.. It's because they're unbiased when giving their suggestions.

As tal said, take a break. Distract yourself. Go find some buddies to hang out with. Don't sit there and dole on this issue... it'll drive you insane (again, been there) and you won't even come up with an answer afterwards.

HJPAN: is that post directed at me? I'm not in school anymore.

I want to be happy again, with myself, i don't like who i am right now and who i might be becoming.

I have my own business (that she works for) and i just got a new haircut. I want to get in shape.

I don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable.

Get in shape? hah?

Run on treadmills: 8-12mins/day.
Dumb-bells: 3 sets of 8, 2 sets of 12, or 4 sets of 6.
Curls: 3 sets of 10
Pull-downs: 2 sets of 10
Sit-ups: 2 sets of 25
Flutter-kicks: 2 sets of 25
Push-ups: 1 set of 20

EAT: rice, veggies, soy products. (I'm a vegetarian)
DO NOT EAT: JUNK FOOD, high fat meat.

I did this for about 3-4 weeks... lost about 10-13lbs.

HJPAN: is that post directed at me? I'm not in school anymore.

That's what a typical person would always say..

"I'm not in school anymore."

But you're WRONG. You just got dumped.. you're LEARNING THE EXPERIENCE.

This is what my teacher meant "education." Sure, he was a Command Sergeant Major of US Marine Corps and fought in 'Nam, but he's been through college and knows a lot. This is his genuine experience of saying "everyone learns either in college or out of college."

ISF, help out hellonasty..

I got to sleep~

ah, now we're getting somewhere.

As far as the happiness, you have to tackle that head on. What's making you unhappy? The stress of the business?

You want to get in shape. ...so get in shape. Go to a gym. Start running.

You don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable...no one does. No one wants to be afraid of what might happen, but, take it from someone who's been at that same exact spot of the impending breakup...it happens. We get over it. We heal. We move on.

I understand that you're focused on this issue, and it's tearing you apart (I know, I've been there)...and it seems like your life's absolutely meaningless...but, you have to get past it. There's really no other way. The more you're away from this, the clearer the situation becomes. You ever wonder why people give good suggestions that they can't follow themselves...? It's because they're unbiased when giving their suggestions.

As tal said, take a break. Distract yourself. Go find some buddies to hang out with. Don't sit there and dole on this issue...it'll drive you insane (again, been there) and you won't even come up with an answer afterwards.

I know you said not to mention anything about my girlfriend... but seriously.. the problems we've been having even before this break have made me unhappy. The business pressures are making me unhappy too. But I can deal with that.

Right now I'm scared sh!tliess, and here's why. Not only am I losing my 'soul' mate and gaining a huge amount of paranoia but.
1) we live in the same place together. I don't know when to pack it in.
2)We share an office together that is technically mine, she does a lot of work for me and I need her. She's great at what she does. And if I get rid of her she will be financially ruined. But if I keep her I will be in hell and run the risk of losing everything. What am I suppose to do for that?

The REAL problem is I can't bare to look at her as all I feel is sadness. She says I don't have to leave the house but I feel so helpless here. I just want to crawl on my hands and knees. I can fight it and stay strong, but as we all know it doesn't last long and we end up falling to pieces in minutes.

It's a really bad situation. I understand people can make any situation sound bad like it's the end of the world.. but right now I do not know what to do in any respect.

I understand taking time for myself and working on these things. But I'm getting more and more paranoid as the days go on and I feel like I can't get out.

When I was younger and had my heart broken I always wished I was older so I could just go and do things to forget. Now that I'm older I wish I was younger so all I had to do was stop calling.

This sucks.

I can only imagine the stickiness of the situation that you're in. Like I said earlier, this is more than "just a relationship"... it's a marriage and a working partnership rolled into one nice mess.

If she asked for time off... there's really nothing you can do but give her time off. You know that calling her will only make things worse. In the meantime, you have to give yourself time off. You have to just grit your teeth and get out of the house (and get out of your head). Call up a few buddies, and distract yourself. By worrying, you're not fixing anything, you know that. What she feels is out of your hands, and you know this as well. I know it's impossible to do, but try to look at this as logically as possible. What can you gain by sitting there and constantly worrying about what may or may not happen?

You're right. I can't gain anything from sitting around this. And as this is going on I think I am becoming a control freak and possessive and crazy.. in my head. I feel like if I stick around nothing bad will happen and she won't be with someone else.. even though I know that is an insane way of thinking as it's very easy to meet up with people elsewhere. And I'm freaking out that she's trying to meet this person I mentioned earlier and for some reason refuses to tell me about it. And I have no idea how to flat out ask her and even worse I don't know if I want the answer!

Yep, I know exactly what you mean.. . I was pacing back and forth in a library at 4am... wondering if she's sleeping with a new guy.

... it made sense at the time.. . but now, I look back and think, what... the hell... was I doing? I could have slept.

If she's going to meet someone new, she's going to do it... you sticking around won't do anything for that, if anything, it'll just make YOU the bad guy and you'll only end up being far more hurt than ever.

This idea of "NC" is so that you don't drive yourself crazy... and just let nature take its course. If your girlfriend wants to meet someone new, she'll meet them... regardless of what you do. You know this. If she doesn't want to meet someone new, then again, she won't... regardless of what you do.

You can't ask her about another guy. That'll only make you the bad guy and make you the "crazy jealous ex". You don't want the answer, then don't ask... whether you like it or not, the answer'll come to you eventually.

Right now, the ONLY thing you can do... is to get out. Seriously. Get. Out. Distract yourself. I know you don't want to... I know you think sitting there will shelter you from the "bad things" that may happen... but the truth is, it'll happen whether you like it or not.

If the world's going to end, you might as well have a beer in your hand and laugh with your friends while it's happening, don't you think?

ISneezeFunny: I hear you. And I believe it. I could pack up and leave tomorrow. I could just not go into the office for awhile, or ever. I'm close to breaking...

I'm talking with her sister right now and she is begging me not to leave. She says my girlfriend doesn't want anyone else and she just needs her space to feel better. She needs me here to be supportive of her and that if I bail now that will be it.

So confused.

Your response would be...

"I have to do what I need for myself."

I don't suggest "packing up and leaving" or even "closing your business"...eventually, if it comes down to it, then fine. But right now, small steps. Grabbing a beer with your friends will suffice.

If your girlfriend needs space, you give that to her. When she figures her stuff out, she'll come back. If not, then I guess you have your answer.

And if "giving her space" will result in "the end"...well...then that was a poor choice of words when she asked for "space"... wasn't it?

I wish I could do it like you mentioned, I really do.
A large part of me wants to pack up and go... and the rest of me is terrified.

You ain't listening are you? No on says pack up and go!! The suggestion was to back off the situation, and change your focus to give you a real chance to see what's going on.

Your female wants you to stop acting like a paranoid freak and relax!! That simple, get a life outside your relationship, like a bowling league, so you can relieve some pressure, and stress, in a positive way, and not throw those bad vibes at the ones close to you.

Now get it through your head to pro actively try to be a better, more positive, relaxed person, to the people around you.

You are your biggest problem, and your best solution! Don't think just do it!

I wish i could do it like you mentioned, i really do.
A large part of me wants to pack up and go.... and the rest of me is terrified.

Have you not NOTICED that your girlfriend isn't leave you?

She JUST wants some AIR TO BREATHE.

We spoke about it again today. I told her if there was a ray of hope I would stick around and she said she couldn't promise and didn't know if it was there. And she said she couldn't tell me if I should stay or not because she doesn't know. I told her how I felt and my regrets. She said wishes I saw then what I see now.

We spoke about it again today. I told her if there was a ray of hope i would stick around and she said she couldn't promise and didn't know if it was there. and she said she couldnt tell me if i should stay or not because she doesn't know. I told her how i felt and my regrets. She said wishes i saw then what i see now.

Typical reaction from the female species.

I get the feeling you don't like females?

Me and my girl are in the same place. You have to put yourself in check. It's important to not forget who you are... don't let the anger and hostility take over, that's not going to get you anywhere.

I can understand where you are coming from, and it sucks because I've also all but lost a girlfriend of 5 years and an engagement over a bunch of BS. Like a very wise man recently told me, be the good guy and forget the nice guy.

That's rough, sorry to hear it. At least I'm not alone :(.

I think we just decided that it would be best if I left the place for a little while so we can both get our space.

Good. That's the first step.

What's your next step?

(suggestion: get on the list of things "YOU want to accomplish")

Next is probably getting my license. I'm about 15 years too late.. better late than never :)
After that I'm probably going to join some sort of a gym. Unless this no eating diet I'm on takes me back to my old weight.

Is it normal for someone to call all the time and let you know what they are doing and if you want to do dinner etc, even though they are the ones that wanted a break? I can't figure this out. Like more than every she is calling saying "hey, i'm just out with x and x and we're grabbing some food. ill be back soon". I'm like, you wanted the f'ing break... why are you letting me know you're every move? Is it to make me feel better? Is she doing me a favor because she knows I'm hurting?

Have you always been prone to over exaggeration?? Was it you who have decided to move, because she was neutral, and didn't beg you to stay?

License... good idea.

Gym... even better. The amount of stress you relieve... is absolutely insane.

Calling all the time? Yes. My ex called me (and even told me she would) once a day for about a week or so until tal kicked my butt... then I told her not to call. I explained to her that she wanted the break up, so we should break up.

It can be pretty easy... just don't pick up.

I think we just decided that it would be best if I left the place for a little while so we can both get our space.

Details and explain the we.

Details and explain the we.


Have you always been prone to over exaggeration???? Was it you who have decided to move, because she was neutral, and didn't beg you to stay??

Yes, I exaggerate-- it's a bad habit. I've been told I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill on this. But her sister and myself both agree that she is being very self-destructive with herself and our relationship. More or less, yes. I was looking for a glint of hope and a reason to stay. I asked if she just wanted her space I would stick around and give it but if she wanted to breakup than I would have to leave. She says she just wanted a 'break' but we can't seem to settle down so maybe it would be best to stay at different places for awhile. Until SHE decides whether to be together.

Your hopeless and frustrating!!

You sound like you are taking a lot of the blame for what is happening in your relationship. Maybe to the point of guilt and that isn't helping the situation. There are these two magic words said in a very heart felt way that can change things instantaniously. These magic words are, "I am sorry." That doesn't mean that by saying you are sorry that you are admitting that you are the sole cause of the problem, it just means that you are sorry that there is a problem and what can you do together to make it better? Allow her to open up what she is really feeling about what is happening without getting offensive or hurt by what she says and just listen to her. If she feels that she is really being listened to by you then the thought of "wanting space" aka "running away" from the problem may turn into some deep heart felt compassion for what you are both going through being together continuously as living together, running a business together and wrapping your whole identities around each other. Sometimes once this happens you forget who you are as an individual, as a man, as a woman, as a lover, as a friend. I do hope that it all turns out well for you both but if she is adement about having some of her own space....don't deny her that...let her have her space. Infact encourage it. You might be thinking that is like giving up but in reality it isn't. Human beings will always love themselves more then anything else, human beings will also want what they can't have....by this I mean if you deny her the space she is wanting you will only make her want it more, If you encourage it, it loses its appeal and makes her wonder why you are letting her have it. It may make her think twice about it. In the meantime, go about your life with enthusiasm, do things for yourself that you wish you could do. Hire someone to help out with your business so there is more time to do things you want to do for yourselves and for each other.

Nice try Janmarie, he just can't see its so many little things he can do to help his female, but he would rather go sit on a pity pot as he is so insecure and selfish!!

The worst part is he doesn't want to change, or try.

I could be wrong, maybe he went fishing??

Well if she wants space well leave her and find yourself another one and forget her

As far as leaving the house, Don't do it. If she needs a break let her make arrangements to sleep elsewhere. She seems like she is close with her sister, well let her live over there while she is figuring things out. Don't be a about it, ask her nicely or even hint at the idea and she may suggest it herself.

As far as the office goes give her a week paid vacation. You can pick up the slack and that will consume some of your time while she is away from you. You need to get out of the fog and see what the big picture is. There is allot more to loose than 'just' a relationship here. I say 'just a relationship' because when I think back about the house I lost, the pets I lost, the friends I lost I realize that when I lost those things I was in 'just a relationship'

Take some time to yourself and protect you and your belongings. And stop having the 'talk' with her, makes you look like a . And she is not lesbian. Get it yet?
Hope this helps.

Nice try Janmarie, he just can't see its so many little things he can do to help his female, but he would rather go sit on a pity pot as he is so insecure and selfish!!!!!

The worst part is he doesn't want to change, or try.

I could be wrong, maybe he went fishing?????

If he went fishing then it is probably a good thing to do to clear his head. Hopefully :)

I didn't go fishing- I don't really fish. Although I wish I did right about now.

I've been trying to deal with all of this the last few days- and it hasn't really been going well.

She's asked for space but I really haven't given it to her-- I continuously have this lapses of judgement where I do all the wrong things. It's really bad. I can see it happening as if I'm watching myself from above.

Early next week I'm heading to a friends house for a week and a half. I hope this helps smooth over things somewhat and gives her her breathing room to reflect and for me to get my head back.

Guys have been doing this for centuries, and that's what you need is to clear your head and refresh your brain and see things in a different perspective.

Seeing a doctor may help also, as you may have something else going on, as you sound compulsive, but a doctor can see, if your honest with him.

These situations can really screw with your head. I went almost 3 days solid without sleeping. Not a good idea to be in that state and still live with the person. She told me yesterday (before I crossed the line, again) that she thought we would be able to try again. But now , she's not so sure. She's very angry with me. I hope she can get passed it.

Talaniman, you're right. I made an appointment with a Psychologist. He came very highly recommended and has a huge waiting list. Luckily I got in as I close to a few of his clients. We'll see how that pans out.

At least you care enough about yourself and your girlfriend to take this kind of action. In your before posts you seem to be reacting rather then responding to the situation. Taking the time to clear your head will help you be more responsive. There are two sides to look at...yours and hers. Good luck :-)

You know what?

You need to go the gym and pump those muscles till they're so sore you can't lift anymore weights. All these drama in relationships is driving you insane; just don't focus on the dirt-bag and look at yourself in the mirror.

So a couple of days left until I leave for good. I'm having a tough time deciding what to take with me. On one hand I don't want to leave with nothing and on the other hand I don't want to take things that will leave a bad memory with me. I've very sentimental.

She's told me today that she was really sorry that this didn't work out. This was after reading a letter I wrote that could melt an ice princess. So yeah, that's that.

The thing I don't know yet is if it will ever really be over. We're both fairly eccentric people that don't behave like the general public. I mean, this isn't our first or second breakup. I sometimes wonder if I'm doomed to this is fate for the rest of my life with this women. Continuously having my heart crushed. Her sister and hell, even my father and friends are all like "this isn't over. you know the drill. she's all over the place" Then they tell me that I might get to a point where I don't actually want to go back. God, I would love that feeling. To be able to say "i love you, but i can't do it again."

She tells me she doesn't love me like 'that' anymore. Our fighting has drawn us apart so much that she has nothing left. I think I said this already. Me, I don't believe that love or more specifically- our love, can die from arguing. I believe it can get heavily clouded.. but those clouds lift, eventually. I could be just leading myself on- and probably am.. but whatever. One thing that didn't help was me bombarding her ever since the split. It only started as "space" but when I got too heavy it became a full on breakup. You guys are definitely right. No Contact.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I've cried a bunch.. normally in front of her looking like a total douchebag. But what can I do.

Still feeling paranoid that she is eying someone else on the side. The text messages are suspicious. But every time I've tried to prove my super solid case that something is going on she proves me wrong. Spazzing out over on her over my paranoia also isn't helping the situation. Definitely driving a steak between whatever was there. I just feel like I'm going banana's over this. Honestly. if she was interested in someone else- I'd rather just have her say it so I didn't feel ing crazy.


One thing that is on my mind that I can't shake is the thought of her with another guy. And even more so if we try to reconcile later on. I got over it once, we both did.. But it still kind of grosses me out.


No Contact- when does it apply as a permanent solution? Does my situation look like it should be a permanent No contact? I'm not sure. For sure for a first few weeks. But forever? What if I want to try and reconcile? How can you tell if it should be permanent? Long term relationships go through bad times and splits are sometimes often. But should you NEVER speak to them again? Or NEVER try to fix things? Is it all futile?

Take the stuff that you had before she came along and think of it as the last part of you that you have and it that means nothing then you have a fresh new start.

When she says that she doesn't love you like that anymore I think it is fair to say that it is a perm NC. NC is a solution only in the since that you will fix yourself, only she knows what she wants but she doesn't want to be with you.

Just NC leave and start a new life.Take her out of your mind and concentrate on things you want to do. She might come around and if she does think of all the stuff she has done to you and think if you want that back.

I've said this before. Don't move out of your place, Let her move. This is all her idea why should you move? Give her some time to relocate. She is the one that wants out, let her go.