Hi, this is my first time posting here, and I feel a little silly about it. My wife and I have been married a little over 4 years, but we have recently had a problem. Her ex-boyfriend called her up. He had been searching for her ever since hurricane Katrina(she lived in New Orleans before). I told her how it made me feel when she talked to him on the phone, so She said they would just e-mail a couple times. He also expressed that he was hoping that she wasn't married. So, of course after a couple of e-mails, her sent her a long sappy e-mail about how she is so perfect and he misses her, and so on and so forth. Before he sent this e-mail, my wife agreed to stop communication with him. That was 3 weeks ago. They have talked about their past, and they have a unique connection between them that my wife and I don't have. He is in a band and they will be in Seattle sometime this summer. Naturally, she wants to go. I told her I would feel comfortable about it, but if I went with her, I wouldn't mind if she went. She doesn't want to go with me. She says it would be to akward, that I would bring her down. About a week ago, they started chatting and they said that they miss each other and tell each other that they still love each other. He also mentioned about how he remembered how nice her legs were. I can't take it anymore, I don't know what to do. We are in Wash State and he is in AZ. I am not worried about physical cheating, emotionally I feel I've already lost her. I've asked her if the roles were reversed, she admitted to probably feeling the same way that I do. We are going to sign up for marriage counseling, but until then I am a wreck. We have a 4 year old daughter, and I admittingly have been distant from her. She is killing our marriage and family, but doesn't seem to care. Thanks for any advice...

First - this NOT silly. This is pretty serious.

You're right - she already cheating

YOU MUST communicate how you feel. She MUST stop this communication. It's NOT healthy.

She SHOULD respect your feelings. You need to ask her to stop. If she doesn't OR goes behind your back, you may see really what type of person she is.

You can still love some one, but not be in love.

You also do not want to come across as needy, desperate - you WILL push her away. Tell you you love her, tell her you want this to stop and NO it's not OK - NO it's NOT harmless.

The GOOD thing is they were BROKE for a reason. She needs to remember WHY they are not together - women tend to remember the good and forget the bad.

I am guessing there must be other problems in your marriage if she is doing this. I strongly advise going to a professional counselour immediately and find out what REALLY is wrong in your marriage.

Have YOU gone soft, do you listen? Do you pay attention?

Thanks for the reply. She knows exactly how I feel. She keeps saying "what are you worried about, we live 2500 miles away?" Everything is not always physical. This is emotional. ITs not that we are having problems, it's that my wife and I are different people. I am into sports and normal guy things, she is more spiritual. We don't connect on certain levels. He does connect with her on those levels. She wanst to have a link from her past, and I understand that, but she has broken my heart and does everyday she talks to him.

It can be just as bad or worse.

She should not have any contact with this guy.

She needs to respect your feelings.

I think you need to also work on yourself and learn to conect with her - it's really important. I know you know this.

At first I thought you were a little insecure but your wife's reluctance to have you at this concert with her and the e-mails have me a little worried. If there is nothing going on there would be nothing to hide,so I think this is more than insecurity on your part. You both need to sit down and have a long talk and air both your feelings and a compromise can be reached if both parties are willing. A professional could be the best thing but in the meantime keep talking!:cool:

Seeing the counselor is a good idea. However I think you need to be a little more firm than just going to a counselor which is going to cost you many hundreds of dollars. Give her an ultimatum ; either she cease any and all further contact with the ex-boyfriend, including when his band comes to Seattle this summer, or it's over, you pack your bags and leave (or better yet throw her out of the house) and take her to court over custody of your daughter. A lot of people will probably think I'm being too harsh but you've been married for 4 years. She is married to you, not this other guy nor anyone else. She's even admitted that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't like it and I'm sure she wouldn't. She had no business entertaining any communication from this guy when it first occurred. His concern for her in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was admirable but she should have told him firmly but nicely "Thanks for your concern but I'm married now. Please don't contact me any more." Then, if he continued to try and contact her, she should have ignored it, even changing your phone number if necessary, which isn't too hard to do. Actually, if not for possible legal complications, I'd almost advise you to call this guy yourself and threaten him with something like "call my wife again and you're dead meat!" Depending on how brazen he is that just might scare him off so that he doesn't contact her any more. Unfortunately in this day and age such behavior can get you in a lot of trouble so I really can't recommend you do that, so you're just going to have to work on your wife instead. Ask her if she wants to be responsible for breaking up your home and family because, as the end of your posts says, that's exactly what she's doing.

I am assuming that we are all males responding. Any females out there?I decided to show my wife the posts and I did forget to say a few things in my original post, but it still doesn't change anything though. First off, she did offer to take her brother to the concert with her, but how hard would it be for him to go off and do his own thing. Second, she did say she'd stop after a few days but said she would resent me for a very long time.. My response to that is knowing how I feel, she should have just stopped talking to him, not made me feel bad for wanting her to stop. I also wanted to clarify that she does not talk to him on the phone anymore. That was just for the first few days. Now they just talk via e-mail and in chat rooms. s_cianci, I'm not ready to go that far, thanks for the response though.

1. If you do not like her "talking" "emailing" and the such, she should not.

2. This is not innocent after the first couple of emails.

3. If she was just going, she would love you to go with her and show you off, I went to my wife's high school reunion and there were several ex boyfriends there.

4. Of course she plans on cheating with this guy if she is not already.

Sorry but I would be strict and straight with her, about how you feel, if she cares for you, she will understand and not continue this relationship.

This is an ex she is talking with. It's weird because she ALSO forgetting why they broke in the first place - women do this - they only remember the good.

You both have a lot invested in this.

HUGE red flag that she doesn't want you to go to the concert.

Sooooooo, let me get this straight... SHE is going to resent YOU if you don't let her talk to her ex? That's some F'ed up stuff right there. Also, it doesn't matter if they are talking on the phone, text, internet or what... is not right. How old is she? How long have you been married/together? Any kids with her? WATCH YOURSELF HERE!! If you have no kids with her, don't do something silly like get her pregnant. If the tables were turned and you were doing this, she would NOT be OK with this at all. I would sit her down and have a SERIOUS talk with her. Best of luck to you, but it doesn't look good at all.

I would ask her - why is OK to go with her brother to the concert and not me?? Awkward! That's not a good enough answer, I'm sorry! Why is she so keen to meet up with an ex! No matter how opened minded you are or anyone is, bringing ex's into a marriage or any relationship is not healthy.

Im female.. and I would not treat my husband this way IF I respected him. I don't know your wife and what kind of relationship you have. But these emails went further than expected and emotionally she is already cheating on you and its breaking you apart and if she really cared and loved you she would have stopped NOT plan to go see his concert!

This is very serious. We all agree that what she is doing is not right. Sit her down and explain how hurt you feel due to her actions and tell her that you feel emitionally cheated on too.
Im mean, seriously, she wouldn't be keen on the idea if you started chatting to an old flame via email then plan to meet up and not invite your wife along... Come on - any adult would know what their intentions are...

Hope its goes well for you :) xx

Hi, Depressed,
Just so you know about my experiences, I was divorced after my 1st 7 yrs of marriage, then after 3 yrs, was married again, now for 29 yrs. I am 64.
Marriage is all about "compromise"... that's the key word. A marriage relationship grows with love, trust, compromise, caring for the other's feelings both emotionally and when physical problems, and on and on.
Your wife doesn't fit into the above!
She knows this upsets you, yet she continues to do it. That is not compromise; that is something else. Why does she have a "tie" to this other person? Why does she feel she needs to stay in touch? Why would her ex-boyfriend be calling her?
Your wife needs to realize she is married to you, and your feelings are much, much MORE important than her ex-boyfriend's.
She is putting him before you.
Another answer mentioned Marriage Counseling. I also think that is a good idea. Both you and your wife need some outside help with this, before it gets more serious. I do wish you both the best, and good luck. There is an old saying; "If a marriage makes 7 yrs, it's a good bet it will continue".

I appreciate all of your posts. Thank you for your honest responses. I am going to try and set up an appt for counseling today. Thanks Again.

This is depressed and confused's wife. First off you guys don't know me. I am not a bad person. Actually I am a good person. I have apologized numerous times and told him I don't mean to hurt his feelings. I have never cheated in my life and am not going to sleep with him if I went to the concert. I just wanted to hang out with a good friend from my past. If I took hubby, he would sulk the whole time and I would just feel bad and no one would have fun. I thought I deserved to have a fun time since I never do. my ex and I were friends first and share a special connection. I haven't had real friends in so long you don't even know. I miss being able to have a meaningful conversation with someone. That is why i really don't want to stop talking to him. I do love him and can't help that. He is a good person and we connect. I have no intention of hurting my family. I love them. It is hard. I can stop talking to my ex/friend and make my hubby happy, but I will be sad not to have him to talk to anymore. It's unfair to everyone. My hubby is leaving things out of his posts. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore my own feelings and be the perfect robot wife everyone wants me too. Don't judge me. Can someone understand what I am saying?

Well - if you loved your husband you WOULD compromise and STOP communicating with this guy. Sorry - BUT this is emotional cheating.

BOTH OF YOU need to get out of the house and do more. Make more friends, separate hobbies etc. - Your Ex can't fil lthat void.

You've added nothing so far. You sound pretty darn selfish... me, me, me.

No you're not supposed to be a robot... but obviously you have ZERO respect for your husband... get some hobbies - do something with your life.

It's cheating and you've just proved it.

When you're married you give up taking to EXs... AND they ARE EXs for a reason - you, as most women, FORGET why he was an Ex.

YOU'VE ALREADY HURT YOUR FAMILY - TOO LATE.

GET TO COUNSELING YESTERDAY!

Well - if you loved your husband you WOULD comprimise and STOP communicating with this guy. Sorry - BUT this is emotional cheating.

BOTH OF YOU need to get out of the house and do more. Make more friends, seperate hobbies etc. - Your Ex can't fil lthat void.

You've added nothing so far.

No you're not supposed to be a robot.....but obviously you have ZERO respect for your husband.....get some hobbies - do something with your life.

It's cheating and you've just proved it.

When you're married you give up taking to EXs....AND they ARE EXs for a reason - you, as most women, FORGET why he was an Ex.

YOU'VE ALREADY HURT YOUR FAMILY - TOO LATE.

GET TO COUNSELING YESTERDAY!


Listen buddy. I'm sure you've been screwed over in the past and that is your issue. I'm not the girl you think I am. Don't tell me what to do. You don't know me. Maybe you should get a hobby and stop spending all your free time in this forum. Find someone else's life to butt into.

I am not telling you to do anything. I am telling you what's going on here.

We were helping your husband. I can see why he's upset now - you're clueless.

You being upset shows who is right.

Again - re-read your husbands posts - you've already hurt your family. I bet you didn't even read his posts.

I am not telling you to do anything. I am telling you what's going on here.

We were helping your husband. I can see why he's upset now - you're clueless.

You being upset shows who is right.

Again - re-read your husbands posts - you've already hurt your family. I bet you didn't even read his posts.

Actually I did read them. I could have not said anything to anyone. I respect my husband enough to tell him what is going on inside of me and hope that he can care enough to listen to what I'm going through. I know I hurt his feelings, but I didn't mean to and I feel bad about that. I just wish I could have this. As for the hobby thing, I read. I have a brain and am not clueless.

Sorry you seem just not to have a clue. You "can't stop talking to this other man" well if you don't soon you won't have a husband and a family to come home to. Cheating is cheating even if there is not sex, it is emotional cheating.

As far as the concert, give me a break, you are saying you can have a good time knowing your husband is packing at home to leave you for going to see this man.

You have to make some choices, you can't have two relationships going.

It appears you are not being realistic. IF you have a husband he has to come before other men, if not leave him so he can find a women who will be true to him.

This is depressed and confused's wife. First off you guys don't know me. I am not a bad person. Actually I am a good person. I have apologized numerous times and told him I don't mean to hurt his feelings. I have never cheated in my life and am not going to sleep with him if I went to the concert. I just wanted to hang out with a good friend from my past. If I took hubby, he would sulk the whole time and I would just feel bad and no one would have fun. I thought I deserved to have a fun time since I never do. my ex and I were friends first and share a special connection. I haven't had real friends in so long you don't even know. I miss being able to have a meaningful conversation with someone. That is why i really don't want to stop talking to him. I do love him and can't help that. He is a good person and we connect. I have no intention of hurting my family. I love them. It is hard. I can stop talking to my ex/friend and make my hubby happy, but I will be sad not to have him to talk to anymore. It's unfair to everyone. My hubby is leaving things out of his posts. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore my own feelings and be the perfect robot wife everyone wants me too. Don't judge me. Can someone understand what I am saying?


I do truly believe you need to find time and spend quality time togther.
Its true I don't know you but from what I read you seem to not care how your husband feels. Marriage is all about compromise and making each other happy together. Otherwise what is the whole point!!

Apologising on nurmerous occasions is not going to stop your man from hurting if your actions continue. Saying sorry doesn't change anything unless it all stops!
You saying you want to go to the concernt alone because your hubby would sulk all the time then why not go with another couple of friends & your husband?? Instead of going alone? You say you deserve to have fun as you never do..! That's saying something.. You should be having fun together as a couple!
To me my husband is my man, my best friend and my soul mate! We share a special connection!

There my new favorite word again - compromise!!

This gal has been pinning away for this guy for over 5 years. I suspect he dumped her. Obviously he has something over her. She forgets WHY they broke - women do this all the time. I am sure he hasn't changed either. How girl friends did he have? Is he the hot sexy bad boy?

I hate this musician guy as well - bothering a MARRIED woman. What a loser.

She doesn't realize he setting his 'tour chicks' - he wants a rendezvous while he is town. This gal doesn't get that. He doesn't want to be with her long term... jus twhile in town - gal in every port.

And this lady defends this musician guy - he is a complete loser.

Let it go lady.

You can tell with this lady it's all about ME. I think, as I can tell by her, posts her husband is going to have a hard time here. She is really selfish and if he doesn't let her go she WILL resent him and hold it against. She doesn't get it one bit - there lies the real reason why she is so unhappy. And WILL blame him, when in fact, as in most cases, she needs to look in the mirror to find the root of the problem.

Well, I am a woman, and I am telling you to listen to what some of these guys are saying... She is cheating (even if not physically, like you said.)
How could somebody that is married to you and is supposed to be loyal and honest with you forever do that. She is steadily slapping you in the face-There is no easy answer. You could give her an ultimatum (did I say that right?)but chances are, that could also push her away to the arms of another man... Even if it did, she would be back eventually. Like someone else said earlier, there is a reason why they broke up in the first place. There is no real easy answer as far as what to do. For right now until time moves on a little more, just do what you can handle.

This is depressed and confused's wife. First off you guys don't know me. I am not a bad person. Actually I am a good person. I have apologized numerous times and told him I don't mean to hurt his feelings. I have never cheated in my life and am not going to sleep with him if I went to the concert. I just wanted to hang out with a good friend from my past. If I took hubby, he would sulk the whole time and I would just feel bad and no one would have fun. I thought I deserved to have a fun time since I never do. my ex and I were friends first and share a special connection. I haven't had real friends in so long you don't even know. I miss being able to have a meaningful conversation with someone. That is why i really don't want to stop talking to him. I do love him and can't help that. He is a good person and we connect. I have no intention of hurting my family. I love them. It is hard. I can stop talking to my ex/friend and make my hubby happy, but I will be sad not to have him to talk to anymore. It's unfair to everyone. My hubby is leaving things out of his posts. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore my own feelings and be the perfect robot wife everyone wants me too. Don't judge me. Can someone understand what I am saying?

My friend, if you were my wife doing what you've been doing and harboring the attitudes you have you'd be another divorce statistic and you'd have to suffer the indignity of explaining to the judge why you and not your husband should get custody of your daughter. We'd also be fighting over the house, car, dog, alimony, child support and every other thing you can think of. Not to mention telling your family why your husband is no longer around. I’d make your life a living he_l, you can bet on it. You’d have absolutely no time or strength left for this “friend” or anyone else in your life. Not to mention that if your "buddy" ever crossed my path he’d be very sorry he did! No wonder you don't want your husband going to that concert with you! If I were in his shoes you certainly wouldn't want me going either, mark my words! You should thank your lucky stars that your husband is too kind-hearted to take that approach. He's understanding beyond belief to actually still want to try and save your marriage rather than casting you out like most men would. No doubt you take advantage of him because he’s so understanding. I’m sorry if you think I’m being judgmental and maybe I am but you’re a wife and mother so grow up and start being one! You can’t hide behind a façade of “I’m a good person” and all the other excuses you’ve made up for yourself. Your family comes first, before anyone or anything else. That includes ex-boyfriends of over 4 years ago. If you need to have a “meaningful conversation” with someone, try your husband. He certainly seems understanding and sympathetic enough that anyone ought to be able to communicate with him. As other posters have suggested, if this “friend” of yours is so understanding and such a brilliant conversationalist then why did you ever break up with him? Why didn’t you just marry him? Is it because you knew that he, like most men, would never tolerate this nonsense from you? Did you need someone you knew you could take advantage of? I’m sorry to pick you apart like this but as a husband and father myself I have to take great exception to your entire post. Attitudes like yours make a mockery out of the institution of marriage.

There are many components to a relationship... one big one is trust. Do you trust your wife to do the right thing and say the right things when she is talking to this other man or if she were to go see him? If you believe or know that you can not trust your wife in either of these situations, it's time to step up and let her know she's gone beyond the boundries of just being old friends. You probably had no reason not to trust her before this I would guess... This is about two people who are disrespecting what the two of you made a commitment to do. If she can't end it after knowing how you feel and knowing what it is doing to your marriage and life together, then she is too far into the out of bounds area to come back.

This is depressed and confused by the way. Just wanted to give an update. We went to marriage counseling, and that went all right. The counselor suggested for her to stop talking to him. She wasn't going to and has told him that she can't talk anymore, although it upsets her greatly. My wife is a unique and special person, and its hard for people who don't know her to understand her. We are still going through are stuff, but at least this is a start. I no I don't meet some of her needs, but I do care for her and we do have a daughter, and I hope this is enough to keep the family together. We are going to continue counseling, but she still says she needs time to figure things out. I am willing to wait and see what she decides to do. If she does leave me, what are my odds of getting to keep the kid? I know if my wife does leave me, she would move to Arizona. I know it would be hard for a man to have custody of his young daughter, but I will do whatever I have to do to keep her.

I have to say I am quite confused by two people switching IDs and posting in each other's threads, especially when they deal with wondering about custody of children amongst everything else.
Good luck with the counselling, both of you.

I have to say I am quite confused by two people switching IDs and posting in each other's threads, especially when they deal with wondering about custody of children amongst everything else.
Good luck with the counselling, both of you.


Sorry about the confusion. The wife was the last one on here and it didn't log out, and I noticed it after I posted the last message.

Depressed and confused - well that's a start.

I don't understand her feelinsg at all. She needs counseling on her own I suspect. She fails to forget why she is not with that guy in the first place. AND why would a women want to be with a guy who DOESN'T RESPECT MARRIAGE. He will ljust cheat on her.

Relationships are built on trsut, respect, and give and take. I don't trust her. Be careful.

Glad she went to counseling - you need to go for a long time to get anything out of it. One time is like 1% of the way there. It takes months to open up.

Your Wife Is Completely Out Of Line. She Is Suppose To Concentrating On How To Be A Virtous Wife For You. The Bible Says That A Woman Must Be Obedient To Her Husband. If She Loves You She Should Humbly Seek Your Forgiveness And Get Back In Line By Being A Loving Wife For You. Sorry 4 Being So Strict But I Hope It Helps. Ill Keep U In My Prayers.

Why do people keep posting on very old threads. It's happening a lot lately

I would be really careful, it is never a good situation when a third party is involved in a marriage.

First of all I am 24 years old and people would think that I am still when to this situations,I myself have a similar experiences regardinbg you're situation.by the way my wife is older than me of 7 years and off course she have been with guys before me but I didn't exist at that time.Before we decided to get married we were being honest with each other just to invest more and learn new things about each others past so that way you know what happens in the past that's been occure aleady.a lot of time my wife's ex boyfriend emailed her.this is what my wife did.she emailed her ex boyfriend and tell him off to stop emailing him because she is married.this guy would still email her or call her.one time my wife answered the phone and tell the guy again to stop without me telling my wife what to do because she understand what I feels.that guy still keep bugging my wife and this is the time that I called the guy up and tell him straight to stop bothering my wife don't talk like you're mad at the guy but talk to him like a man and he should talk to you like a man as well.but if he is getting mad at you because of some silly or immaturity reasons then he is just jealous and wanting his ex girlfriend to come back.just tell the guy whatever you think that can help him to understand that whatever happens before that is before and now is reality.thats a brackish feeling for him.but then if you're wife still talk to him or through phone,email or text then that is something and that is fishy because you're wife's ex will be somewhere near or who knows.if there is nothing going bad you're wife would bring you and be proud that she got married with you and show the world that she is married to you.she should respect you're feeling if she really love you.or maybe she having lust with her ex boyfriend.what I would do is to talk to her straight up just be ready whatever that conversation leads you and just accept the outcome.I hope everything will be fine and don't forget sometimes jealousy is the instrument how to measure love,but love is unmeasurable.also women don't think about the past that happens to them they just uses the lesson from their past.love will speak.thank you.808state