Sorry for my English. It is not my first language. I did not find a forum like this where people write in my language. I hope you will understand me.

I am nineteen and I have problems in my life which I can't manage. I do not love my parents. I don't live with them now. When I talk with them or even meet them I feel very bad. I remember the situation was always like that.
Always I didn't know what they want for me. They say they love me but I don't believe them. When sobebody loves you, you feel safety with them. I do not feel safety and I always think I was worse than other people. Can I hate my parents? I won't tell it them but they fell it. They said I was a bad daughter. I talk about it with some people. They advice me going to a psychologist but it isn't possible.

My parents did not treat me bad in my childhood really but they often ridicule me. I've never have a contact with them. What should I do? What can I do to feel more confident and less helpless? I don't want to talk with my parents because they always say that eveything is only my fault. I think the same and this very depressed me. I think about it majority of time. I will be thankful if you help me.

I asked my mother one time why she still tells me step by step what to do and was never satisfied with what I did do and she told me she will always be a mother and worry about her child I am 52 and she still sees that five year old going to school ,go figure. I can't laugh though because I'll be darned if I don't see my 30 year old kids the same way. Where it use to bother me now I have a little more understanding and can smile on the inside when my mother says to button my jacket up its windy outside. I can be nice in her presence knowing I have a life of my own to go to. Hope this helps!:cool: :D

Hate , well OK, if they have really harmed you, you can hate them, but I would like to think that you really should not hate anyone.

How about really dislike them, For years I never called my mom, never visited her, I really did not like her, I always loved her because she was my mom, but I did not respect, care or like her.

Perhaps that may be close to how you feel.

So you don't like them, don't go see them and go on with your life. Maybe after time as you grow older and they grow older you can have some sort of relationship, But basically live your life and grow on.

But parents will always be parents and most will always see you as the child who can not take care of thierself. I am in the "over 50 bunch" and my mom will still call me on cold days ( she lives further up north) and remind me to wear my coat. * bothers me to all end, but you know when she passes on ( I lost my dad this year) I will miss that call also.

I never liked my biological father. In fact, I don't even think I loved him. He didn't ever really hurt me either, but he had a chronic mental illness and was very cold towards me. Like you, I always felt badly whenever I was with him (he is now deceased).

It's my belief that regardless of how people have treated you growing up, and even if they are blood relations, you may just simply not be suited for each other, or compatible. Kind of like, you can choose your friends but not your relatives. Plus you mention that your parents always ridiculed you growing up, and still criticize you today. In that case, I can totally understand not wanting to be with them or having loving feelings towards them. Parents are supposed to be kind and good to you, and show you their love, not constantly criticize and reject you.

My advice would be the same thing that I have done in my life: find people who you are comfortable with and who accept you for who you are, and create your own family. Surrounding yourself with people who accept and support you, regardless of DNA, will help you to feel happier in your life and elevate your self-esteem as well.

Yes, I can understand how you feel. Without going into detail about what it was like to grow up with my parents, I will tell you what I did when I turned eightteen. I left home and made a life for myself. I did this with the knowledge that I was not the "bad" person my mother said I was. I knew that I could not let my mother control how I felt or lived my life for the rest of my life. I went through the guilt and the feelings that my mother will never see me for who I really am and made the decision to not let her issues become mine and that I and others like me and see me as a truly wonderful person. Can we help feeling the way we do about our parents sometimes? No, but we can control what we do about those feelings. My advice is to continue to be yourself and build your adult life around you and what you do and not what your parents say or do to you.

You say that people tell you to go to a psychologist but it isn't possible. Why is it not possible, is it because of money? If this is the case you have places that you can go that do not charge for their services or if they do charge it is in relation to your pay which would still be a very small amount.
I don't know what city you live in but there are crisis centers in most all cities that can give you information on who to call. To name a few that you might try. A Rape Crisis Center, even though you have not been raped they have a referral service. Another is Women's Protective services. Children's Protective service. Faimlies with Dependent Children. All of these orgnizations have a list of names and numbers in a referral book. Try some of them.

Although I have worked with Rape victums for many years I do not feel as though I could give you the information you need without knowing much more about you and your family. Good Luck

A psychologist is in my school. I am afraid that he won't keep a secret so I would like to go to another. I don't know what I should actually tell a psychologist. I wonder sometimes why I have these problems. I have no idea. I am afraid that he will tell me I make a fool of myself. My parents often told me this. Can I be mantally ill without any reason?

I didn't tell you quite important thing. I earn very little money and my parents give me some money. I won't manage without it. I still learn I can't earn much - in my contry there aren't many jobs for young people without qualifications. I think about working abroad on holidays but I know that it won't be enough for a whole year.

I dislike my parents and I also dislike me. I often can't assess a situation because I think I don't know what is good. I think it is my fault and I also think I hate them. It is complicated. Do you think I shoud tell them wishes on their birthdas for example? I really don't want to do it. I can't talk with my parents.

I still think you should approach the psychologist available at school. He must keep things secretly, and maybe you should learn to trust?
I'm not being critical -if there's one thing I can tell you, is that I can hardly think of people with a really happy childhood. I know that I always kept in mind not to make the mistakes my parents did. I know I haven't. But I made other mistakes!
I'm a grandmother now, I see my kids doing their own mistakes. As my daughter said: there is only a good enough mother, there is no such thing like a perfect mother.
I really think you should first of all learn to love and appreciate yourself, though I know how impossible it seems when you're constantly criticized.
That's where a good psychologist can do wonders.
A good one has only recently managed to make me appreciate myself - and I'm already a grandmother.
The criticizing attitude your parents show you, can be because of endless reasons, and they might come out of their love to you - only sometimes people have funny ways of showing it.
I would sat you have to congratulate them not only because of their financial help, but for your own good:
One day you'll be a parent, you might feel more understandable towards them, you might regret your attitude in the past and the pain it caused, and it might hurt you.
I'm only thinking about you, nit judging, just trying to say that you should also be careful not to aggravate things, and not cause aditional pain to yourself in the long run.
I apologize for not using capitals, but in this way I can type faster. My mother language isn't English as well.
I must add, that for a person whose native language isn't english, and who's still in school, you're very good.
I'm here to help, like all the others, so please let us know if more help needed, and remember our shoulder is always here.
Good luck,
Millie :)

Hi,
You have received some very good answers.
All I can add is to say "Talk with the Psychologist".
You do have some problems that can be brought out in the open, just between you and the Psychologist. Talking about them will help you.
You have taken the first step in asking a question about all this here; now, take the 2nd. Step, and talk with him/her.
It's sometimes normal for a 19 yr old to "be lost"... not know where to turn... not know who to talk with... not know what to do.
Please talk about it with the Psychologist. You will be amazed at the help you will get. I do wish you the best.

So I think about going to a psychologist. What should I tell him? It is very difficult to me talking about this.


My parents rarely critise me actually, they hardly ever have told me what to do, even I was younger. They only "noticed" a problem, suggest that I should do "something" and than suugest that I shouldn't do what I do. Recently I realised that I am touchy if somebody do not tells me something directly I can't stand it.

I was a strange child. I was terrible shy. I rarely said anything. I never admitted I was wrong because I thought that people will be hate me. I rarely have my own opinion. I spent majority of time lonely. Now is little better. But I can't talk with my parents.
I never know what they are going to do - sometimes they are cold towards me and later my mother says she loves me, she smiles - even I have a bad mood - she completely ignores that - she says something strange about how she loves me, she does not listen me. I feel very confused at that moments.

Can you tell me if I should have a contact with my parents or I can reduce it? This case is very important to me.
Thank you for your responses.

It would help to share and open up about your secret. It all depends on what the secret is? A doctor or therapist any of those have to keep things completely confidential, they have to by law keep your issues or secrets actually secret. There are exceptions, if they think you are going to harm somebody else or harm yourself, or if there was any kind of sexual abuse they may need to report it. Do not let that stop you from seeking advice and counselling.

Joe

You are no stranger than any of us when we were young(some of us will always be strange) but tell a psychologist exactly what you told us to start with. Good luck!:cool: :)

Dear Vicka,
First GO to a psychologist.
A good psychologist would help you elaborate about the things you mentioned here. Will help you go to details, will help you get things off your chest.
It sounds like you have a terrible communication problem with your parents. At your age, it's not unheard of. If it has always been like that, this can happen as well.
You know, sometimes you speak the same language, and yet the message gets across completely scrambled. Very often it's due to the intonation - people might mean it one way, yet it sounds to THE LISTENER in a completely different manner than what it was meant to be.
I'm sure you're aware of the fact that the same phrase can take sometimes quite opposite interpretations, all due to it's intonation. But intonation is so "slippery" so to say!
Sometimes, you expect to hear something and you DEDUCE it by the tone YOU hear - expecting what you did- and you're in a "self - fulfilling- prophecy" situation!
Dear, shyness is probably a genetic trait -your parents (at least one of them) might be shy as well. As a VERY shy person myself, I know how difficult our lives are, and how very difficult it is for us to speak CLEARLY!
To all the people who've read some of the things I wrote up to now, and might wonder:
Here I feel like I'm speaking to one person: I'm very open when it gets to one - on -one situation, but if it's a larger crowd, I swallow my tongue.
Pleas vicka, let us know if we can help, and how, and what's going on with you.
Good luck,
Millie

Do you think that going to a psychologist is ABSOLUTELY NECCECERY?
I've never told anyone in real about my problems - only here and on chat I talk with some people. Writing is much easier to me than talking. I am afraid that I speak so chaotic and also I am really afraid of meeting with a psychologist. I have no secret. I only don't want that someone who know me know that I go to the psychologist. In my environment visiting psychologist is not acceptable. I know that I probably have some problems with my psychic but I don't want to have a label "mentally ill".:(

Why do you feel that you will have that label. Many things you described many others have felt in their life as well. There are so many people out there that think they are alone in how they feel and how they think to later find out that many other people have gone through the same things.

Joe

I agree with what everyone else has said here about the psychologist, with one exception... you haven't told us what country you're from. It doesn't matter actually, no need to share, but I know that seeking counseling or psychological help carries more of a stigma in some countries than in others. Most of the people answering here are from countries where therapy is widely accepted. But regardless, a psychologist is a professional person, and will keep all your secrets confidential. If you're worried about what others may think, just don't tell anyone you're going. There's no need to, really.

I think seeing a psychologist is the best idea for you right now, because this person will help you to sort out what's going on with your parents. At your age it's hard to know if this is just a typical communication problem, or something more serious. I know when I was your age, people told me I would regret not liking my biological parents later on... "wait until you're a parent", they'd say. Well, I am a parent now and I still don't understand my biological parents (they are both deceased). However, I'm kind of a "special" case, my parents were severely mentally ill and I was raised mostly by other people. Most of my friends have become closer to their parents and changed their minds about them, as they have had their own children. So, seeing the psychologist can help you decide which category you fit into. It can also give you someone to share your feelings with, with no fear of criticism.

Please let us know what happens, and what you decide to do. People on this forum really care. If you feel alone in this, remember that you have the psychologist and also the forum members!

Hi Vicka,
I think that what really counts is not how the society around perceives someone who goes to a psychologist, but how yousee it.
The psychologist must keep it secret- that's the way it works.
Don't think that you should sort everything by yourself and don't think badly about yourself for seeking help - in fact, that's how we all "met" you.
Don't hesitate anymore and at least have one meeting with the psychologist and see how you feel about it.
Let us know how you're doing, because we really want to help
Good luck!
Millie
:)

Hi Vicka,
I think that what really counts is not how the society around perceives someone who goes to a psychologist, but how yousee it.


I agree Millie, but when I was staying in Korea with a friend, it was considered a horrible shame and dishonour on the family if someone was mentally ill or needed any psychological help whatsoever. It was a hidden thing that no one discussed. I think in western / European society we have a tendency to advise therapy without considering how hard it might be for someone who's living in such a country. It is difficult enough to go to therapy in an environment where the practice is accepted, but in an atmosphere where it is feared and ridiculed a lot more courage is required. I never realized how bad it was, and how hard it can be, until I went to Korea. So I was just encouraging Vicka in case she lives in that kind of atmosphere.

[QUOTE=orange]but I know that seeking counseling or psychological help carries more of a stigma in some countries than in others. Most of the people answering here are from countries where therapy is widely accepted.
Dear Chava, I agree with that, and here, in Israel, not so long ago, there were many who didn't understand what it was really about and looked upon Psch. Treatment awkwardly.
During the last years, much has changed. Much of it thanks to radio counselling program held by a clinical psychologist. Dear Vicka, in any case, a professional MUST keep things secretly.
Going to a psychologist has NOTHING to do with being mentally ill. On the contrary, people who can go succsessfully through this treatment, are mentally strong and healthy, but have problems which have to be addressed with the help of a professional.
You know, there are people so scared of their physical health, they don't go to check things out. A lot of anxiety could be avoided if they went to check things and be told that everything is fine!
AND: in case something wasn't (which I'M SURE IT'S NOT THE CASE WITH YOU) wouldn't it have been better to treat it as early as possible?
Take care, and let us know how you are.
Millie

What I should tell psychologist? I have a big problem with collecting my thoughts. Are there some things that I shoudn't tell him because I violate privacy of my family? When I was a child they often said me something and tell me that I shouldn't say it to anybody. I often didn't understand it and I think that they exaggerated. But I am afraid.

I am sorry that I constantly have some doubts.
Thank you that you want talk with me.

Dear Vicka,
It's not so difficult:
Remember your first entry? For example:"I do not love my parents."
This can very well begin your conversation.This is a meeting when you say things, you are asked more questions, to elaborate, give examples, etc.
Then you get some reply, maybe an interpretation of the things you describe. It's difficult to decide HOW TO BEGIN, but this might be true about any relationship.
Usually the most important thing is the first to be mentioned, or, you can also write down some of the most important things to you.
I wish you good luck, and look forward to hear about your progress.
The first step is always the most difficult to make, but if one doesn't make it, no on will ever star walking.
Let us all know how you're doing. We'd really like to help.
Bye,
Millie:)

Good advice, Millie! I think we were posting at the same time! :)

Vicka, I would tell him whatever you want, even if it's something your parents told you not to say. I don't think you are violating family privacy by saying such things. In fact, what they told you not to say might be something that the psychologist really needs to hear. And like a lot of us have been saying, professionally the psychologist can't speak to anyone about what you discuss. It will be kept completely private. The only time a psychologist is required to act is if he thinks your life is in danger, such as if you are planning to kill yourself, kill someone else, or if you are harming a child.

You don't have to say everything all in the first meeting, either. You can start by talking about what you've been discussing with us, and go into more detail as you feel comfortable. The psychologist will probably ask you questions as well, and try to make you feel at ease.

Btw sorry I haven't responded to your PM yet Vicka... I will hopefully get to it later today.

Right dear, we WERE posting at the same time!
In any case, I, too, agree with your points, and can't help admiring (again) your very mature way of thinking ("ripe", so to say).
I think it's only PARTLY due to your life history, most of it is your private wisdom and sensitivity.
Take good care of yourself.
Millie
:) :) :)

I am still afraid about going to the pschychologist.:( I think a lot about this situation and I realised that all I want to is not having contact with my parents. How can I tell them that in the polite way? Is it any chance that they unedrstant it? They usually make out that our contacts are very well but it is not true. I think that they had not had good families when they were children so later they could not be good parents. But I do not want to help them - it is too heavy for me. I would like to have a calm life far away from them. Is it possible?:confused:

It is possible. You say you live far now. So, what exactly is the problem. Just live your life as your own and have other people in your life that makes you happy and maybe later in life you will open up to your parents or feel more comfortable around them. HAve you ever told them how you feel, it may cause pain but it is better for everybody to be aware of how you feel, but also find out how they feel.

Vicka you have been given some very good advice by orange and Millie, I tend to also go with what jesushelper says! You need to ensure that you carry on with your life and make the most of things for you... I also agree that if you do have the option where you can speak open with them and tell them the way you are feeling is also a good option if you can do this... Just take each day and step as it comes and live for you and not others.

Vicka - my heart goes out to you. I experienced a childhood that left me so confused that I was close to unable to function. I was too afraid to seek help from a professional until one day a friend encouraged me. The counselors are trained to help. All you have to do is go - they know how to do the rest. Talk in vague terms until you build up trust, they will understand. Go for three sessions and evaluate where you are. If you don't feel right with that particular counselor, try another. Just know that in order to help you, you need to be mostly comfortable with them (so you can talk) and a little uncomfortable with them (which is normal too and can be an indication you aren't wasting your time/money with someone who won't help). I understand that this is important for you to get this more settled for yourself. Good luck.

valinors_sorrow,
I wanted to give you credit for the support you gave Vicka, but couldn't.
In any case, I think your post is very helpful and I can only hope that Vicka fill take the advice we all gave her.
As to you Vicka, even if you decide to cut yourself of any relationship with your parents, you still need professional support.
No psychologist will force you to keep in touch with your parents if you feel so strongly that you can't.
More than that: no one will ever judge you, especially a psychologist.
I really feel for you, and I hope you'll do something to make your life easier.
Let us know how you are doing, we all care here!
Good luck,
Millie