I've been doing much better the last several months since my STRANGE breakup with my ex

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fiance-breakup-209106.html

I've been BU with her for 4.5 months and was NC for ~4 months.

I've been dating/worrying about other girls etc...

Saturday I was out with some friends and I get a tap on the arm and my ex was standing there by herself. I could tell she was a bit nervous and she said "I saw you around and thought I should say hi" We made small talk for a few minutes and kept it very cordial. We were both nervous and it was awkward. For some reason, I just lifted the cup I was holding and tapped hers to part ways and just told her to have fun. My buddy and I then walked off.

This simple 2-3 min conversation has set me back to the healing phase. I wish I never saw her there. The pain which I felt months ago is all coming back. It's wrong of me to think like this, but now it has brought back some of me hoping for reconciliation (which is not good and I don't really expect).

I guess what hurts is how someone who was so close to me just basically upped and left for such a confusing reason.

IDK, I feel a bit like contacting her even though I know it is wrong.

In reality, it didn't set you all the way back because when she tapped you on the shoulder you didn't get on your knees to start begging and pleading with her. It's a huge step that you could talk to her and not break down. This feeling will pass in a few days

I agree with Romefalls here, this feeling WILL pass in a few days. You haven't seen or talked to her for a good while, so it's nothing but natural to feel what you feel right now. She's not just some girl you dated, she meant a lot to you. I can relate to those feelings, and believe me, it's just a matter of time before you start to feel all goodygood again.

Let's say you got back together, would it really be the same? Now you've realised that you can be happy without her and that you can tell her to have a good time and just walk off. And I must say, if my ex did that to me, it would kind of suck big time. I think that it's just some old dust lying around, not the feelings you once had for her. It's her loss.. And I think she knows it.

Good luck with everything!

HI Brian,
You didn't get set back, you passed the first part of the test life sent you, and answered the question, "What would you do if you met the ex by chance?" You did great.

As for the second part?? Can you cope with the feelings that meeting has stirred up, in a proactive way, or will you give in, and break NC?

You already know the wrong thing to do, but can you do what's right??

<Fades to Jeopardy music!! >

Thanks for the kind words all. Yea, I do think I did OK. I could have done much worse.

I stopped thinking about her for a few months really while I focused on other girls, and then a few days ago, I started to think about her again briefly and miss her.

IDK, everything was just so confusing about the BU, I am still confused over everything.

The only fear I have really is if I totally sent her the signal that I am really no longer interested in giving it another go at some point down the road, because a small part of me is. (Yes I know, the stars would have to align and we'd have to iron a TON out) We basically BU because she admittedly needed to grow/fix herself and mental issues she was having. She was a great person/companion when she wasn't having her problems.

IDK, it was such a weird BU, I felt like I've been nothing but confused about it the last few months and it sent me into a funk.

To show you how much worse off you could have been when you met your ex again, I will mention when I met my ex after awhile:

I saw him
I yelled out loud, OH SH**
I ducked behind a counter
His best friend laughed at me
He walked away

See you did MUCH better! :D

I pretended I didn't know her
And so did she.
So *clap clap* for our maturity level :]
If anything though I didn't expect her to come talking to me, I haven't replied to her msn messages she would send me over the past 4 months.
I dno if it would've been the right thing to do to talk to her. Mmm
Chin up brian

Feels like I had a broken bone that was close to healing and now it was reset. I just hope I did the right thing by basically "shunning" her like I did. A big part of me still wants her back more than anything.

Hang in there dude, I know its hard but this will make you stronger/better person. Life is about obstacles and overcoming them. Consider this one of your many obstacles in life. Realize that it will never work between you two, its just nostalgia kicking in and all the good memories. I'd say just stick with the NC and sooner or later, you'll feel better.

Brian,

After doing the NC for as long as you did, no doubt you had some bumps in your road. You must then understand that when these things happen, it is very easy to get into a panic mode and make decisions without thinking about them first.

Think back to the last time something like this happened, and how you felt like you would never feel good again, then in time, you settled down, and realized it isn't as big a deal as you made it out ot be in the beginning...

Take care, relax, and let time go by a little. It will fade.

You are all right, it did set me into panic mode. I am going to try to have lunch with a good friend this week and talk about things with them, but I don't plan on contacting my ex.

I am still bothered by it. It knocked out a lot of residual feelings. The BU was so totally strange and utterly confusing that it made things very hard to get over. (I've never heard of a BU where weeks afterward, the girl is saying she loves the guy and her biggest fear is losing him, and it was the girl that initiated the BU) Nothing made any sense.

Brian,

When my ex broke up with me, she gave me the same reasons as yours gave you. She wanted space to deal with her issues, to grow up, and to become a better person so that she didn't start fights over such stupid things like she did with me. She wanted to work on herself and be single for a while.

I have no idea if she is single now, though I imagine she is. I have no intentions of finding out, but I can tell you that soon after the breakup, she was trying to throw signs out that she didn't really want to do this, or at least wasn't sure if she wanted to. I got messages like "What am I doing?? :(" or "Why would I do this to myself", so she wanted me to know that she was second guessing it.

Don't read into any of that, none of it matters now, and at the time, she was in such an emotional state, she didn't know what to think.

Thanks for the help all. I am not going to contact her at all. I just got a bill yesterday that was in our name. They needed some info about her, so I told them to call her and have them settle the bill with her. I don't want any contact with her.

Yea, it still stings and I do miss her a lot of the time, and there is a big part of me that would love to reconcile. We didn't break up due to our fighting/not being compatible at all. It was really just her own problems. She left the door open for the future, but I am def not going to wait around or expect anything.

If she ever wants to contact me, she knows my #. If she ever wanted to reconcile, she'd have to WIN ME back. She ran away because of her problems, so she'd have to do a whole lot of chasing to get me back.

I agree Brian... it will pass before you know it. It just like when you break NC... although you fall back in the beginning, the second time around you also feel better a lot faster than when the first time around... it just nostalgy. It's normal. She was special to you and probably will always have a special place in your heart. But you will be fine. Keep doing what you have been doing. Dating other people somehow works, as it keep you from thinking about the ex, as you get to know someone knew. And remember we are all in this together... stick with NC. You did it for for months. That says a lot about your will power and shows that you are stronger. I never quite understood the impact of NC... so I thought that I was stronger and that I could control myself even if I talked to my ex... not true... every time I talked to her I felt worse for awhile. I would not suggest that... take care buddy. And I am sure that your ex is probably regretting and realizing her loss... keep your chin up bro...

I agree w. everyone Brian... it will pass before you know it. It just like when you break NC... although you fall back and you feel as you did in the beginning, the second time around you also feel better a lot faster than when the first time around... it just nostalgia. It's normal. She was special to you and probably will always have a special place in your heart. But you will be fine. Keep doing what you have been doing. Dating other people somehow works, as it keep you from thinking about the ex as you get to know someone new. And remember we are all in this together... stick with NC. You did it for for months. That says a lot about your will power and shows that you are stronger than you think. I never quite understood the importance of NC until I learned the hard way. I thought that I was stronger and that I could control myself even if I talked to my ex... not true... every time I talked to her I felt worse for awhile. I would not suggest that... take care buddy. And I am sure that your ex is probably regretting and realizing her loss... keep your chin up bro...

Brian,

When my ex broke up with me, she gave me the same reasons as yours gave you. She wanted space to deal with her issues, to grow up, and to become a better person so that she didn't start fights over such stupid things like she did with me. she wanted to work on herself and be single for a while.

I have no idea if she is single now, though I imagine she is. I have no intentions of finding out, but I can tell you that soon after the breakup, she was trying to throw signs out that she didn't really want to do this, or at least wasn't sure if she wanted to. I got messages like "What am I doing?? :(" or "Why would I do this to myself", so she wanted me to know that she was second guessing it.

Don't read into any of that, none of it matters now, and at the time, she was in such an emotional state, she didn't know what to think.

Bigbird and Brian, the same thing happened to me too. She needed space, I was her first boyfriend, and she needed time to think things out and be single... she wanted to date other guys and see what's really out there for her, basically very confused. I was great to her, a little too clingy at times as she told me, but still. And during the breakup and later that night she said or texted me... I'm just stupid, what am I doing, I hate this so much, you know I'm so sorry... so much so that I was actually consoling her. This was about 5 weeks ago and since then we've talked twice the week after very shortly and then almost 3 weeks ago I IMed her (became kind of one-sided just me asking questions) so I haven't talked to her since and honestly I've been doing much better because of it. Some part of me though kind of wishes still I knew how she was feeling but maybe it's best not to.

bigbird and Brian, the same thing happened to me too. She needed space, I was her first boyfriend, and she needed time to think things out and be single...she wanted to date other guys and see what's really out there for her, basically very confused. I was great to her, a little too clingy at times as she told me, but still. And during the breakup and later that night she said or texted me... im just stupid, what am i doing, i hate this so much, you know i'm so sorry...so much so that i was actually consoling her. This was about 5 weeks ago and since then we've talked twice the week after very shortly and then almost 3 weeks ago I IMed her (became kinda one-sided just me asking questions) so I haven't talked to her since and honestly I've been doing much better b/c of it. Some part of me though kinda wishes still I knew how she was feeling but maybe it's best not to.

Well our situations really weren't that similar. My ex never used the reason she wanted to date other guys. She openly stated that it had nothing to do with her feelings towards me. She told everyone how she was scared to loose me and how much I meant to her. It was just that she wasn't mentally well and her psyc told her that she needed to simplify her life as much as possible and be single for at least a year.

Ok, so I've been NC since my ex last approached me. It took me a few days, but I was doing much better/stronger. Then 6 months to the day since we BU, she sends me this message on myspace

Hi Brian,

I know you probably don't want to talk to me ever again, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry about everything that has happened... I hope you're doing well.

<Her name>

I haven't responded yet (she sent it 2 days ago). Any thoughts?

Ignore it... simply trash it, she already assumes you don't want to talk to her, so go with that :-D

Why would she send it?

The only thing I was thinking of replying with was "Not sure why you contacted me, but if you expect to speak to me, I first deserve an explanation of why you'd like to speak with me and what exactly happened."

If I say that I believe I am putting the power in my shoes and also protecting myself. She does owe me.

I agree it was a temporary minor set back just remind yourself how far you HAVE come and how self reliant you are.

As long as the contact she initiates is on a chummy how are you level ignore it, but if for some reason you ever reply to her tell her that you really aren't interested in anything short of her wanting to be back with you since you did get along in your relationship. BUT IF she ever did say she wanted back I would also make it quit clear that you wanted to talk everything over like how serious she intended on it being and means it, etc..

Ok, so I've been NC since my ex last approached me. It took me a few days, but I was doing much better/stronger. Then 6 months to the day since we BU, she sends me this message on myspace

Hi Brian,

I know you probably don't want to talk to me ever again, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry about everything that has happened...I hope you're doing well.

<Her name>

I havent responded yet (she sent it 2 days ago). Any thoughts?

Delete it, and forget it. She is just making sure you didn't forget her. That's what NC does. No response is necessary.

I agree with the above, she is testing the waters...

Let it go and ignore it. You might feel a little bad at first, but know your making the right decision... She decided that she wanted to be without you, let her know that's what she's getting...

Went out tonight for a concert. Caught her out of the corner of my eye. I could tell she saw me. Right away she froze, and began to make a v-line for me (I could tell she was happy to see me). I pretended I didn't see her and kept walking.

Later on in the night she came over and tapped me on the arm, I just gave her a blow off hello and turned to my friend to talk

Good for you. You need to keep this strong confident attitude and show her that.