My boyfriend and I have dated for 4.5 years. We have watched many of our friends and family meet, get engaged, get married, all before us. This breaks my heart every time. Most recently his sister announced their engagement. We have a wonderful relationship and many of our friends call us husband and wife or question constantly about when the marriage will be. I am growing frustrated. I love him with all of my heart but waiting is getting so old. I know that he loves me and I know that he is very aware of how I feel about getting married. How long do I wait?

Guys: What would be wrong to take so long to propose? I know he loves me. (I am 29, he is 34.) So it isn't a youth thing. He has never been married, I am divorced.

PLEASE ANY ADVISE. I want to be with him.

Hey! I'm sure things like that can be very frustrating! Sometimes guys can be a little afraid of committing the rest of their lifes to a woman. But in your case of age and length of relationship, that is a little confusing. I know a couple who have been together for about 12 years and they lived together and everything but never married. He has just recently proposed to her! I would hint around a little about a wedding if I were you!

LOL, that is funny, but I DO NOT want to wait 12 years, and I think he would be very willing to wait. I really put the pressure on for about the last 6 months, decided that it was only causing fights and backed off my wedding push. I understand that he is worried, and I have no doubt he is committed to me, but I do not understand the fear of walking down the aisle after all this time.

Yea, I wouldn't want to wait 12 years either, I would hope that your boyfriend would not want to wait either. After 4.5 years you would think he would be ready to walk down the aisle. Have you ever asked him about where he sees himself in the near future or if he ever wants kids, or exactly what differences you guys have planned for your future!

I have two children from a previous relationship, he treats my children very well. I know that he wants children of his own and my tubes are tied. We have had the conversation because I am not opposed to having another child, but I have also told him that as time keeps passing and my children get older I want to go back to the newborn stage less and less.

OK. If you guys have been together that long you should be completely comfortable with each other! So, have you asked him straight up if you guys will marry? Have you asked him if he wants to marry you?

No, I guess I really haven't been that direct about it. He is not emotionally that comfortable talking about feeling stuff. We have joked about it, but nothing direct like that. I know for a long time he had this "ideal" person that he would marry, and this "ideal" person did not have children of her own and she was his religion. After all this time, guess I thought things would be different.

What is his reason for not asking you to marry him? I assume you've talked to him about this.

Ok. I hate to be so direct, but I'm going to be a little bit! You can't let the years keep going by without having you goals and everything close. As you keep aging and as he does, you are not going to want these things as much. Marriage seems very important to you and I think you guys need to have a serious talk about what is going to happen, and soon. If he isn't willing to marry you or have kids with you, maybe he isn't that serious into it as you are and you need to make a decision. As you said the longer this keeps going the less you are wanting to have another newborn. So, it sounds like you have a bit of a timeline, and you need to find the one you will marry and have another kid with, or sacrifice having those things and stay with him. Hope this helps!

UPDATE: Just reviewing some old threads about this topic as last night, I decided I was done stalling. I am devastated and I feel broken, but I know that I gave 100+% into making our relationship work.

The hang up isn't mine and I don't see that he will ever get over this issue. Five years is a huge investment to walk away from and I have scary roads ahead of me, so let this begin my own personal journal. :)

Currently: Hanging tough.

::sigh:: (I lost my personal shoulder, so I opted to get this out in the open).

Last night, we decided to end a five year relationship that was without possibilities of a future. I have spent five years giving 100+% into a relationship that gave little return on my investment.

Right now, I am hanging tough, but it has been a rough day for me. So let this begin my own personal journal down a road I haven't traveled in a long time and I had hoped to never see again.

I am hurt, but I am not the loser in my situation. Let me just say, life is bleak when you have limitations that restrict the person you will love because of situations.

Everyone here has been a great support system for me in the past and I am hoping for more of the same through this very difficult experience.

Justy I am so so so sorry to see this. Your always so cheerful on here and picking with the others. I guess you have been around this site and said and read many things. I don't know what to say to someone who always helps others so well. Is it easier for you to fill us in?

Super big hugs and a huge shoulder goes your way.

Sorry to hear about this Just. You know you will be better out of that situation.

Vent away Justy. Sorry to hear that, but from what I understand it was inevitable. I wish you luck and we are all here for you.

Justy, I know you have helped me out a few times, so now it is my turn.

Remember, you got through this before. You know it's not the end of the world.

Get outside and get some fresh air and start thinking of things that you can do to stay occupied.

Things ended for a reason(s) and you must accept that and look toward the future.

We are here for you! :)

Justy I am so so so sorry to see this. Your always so cheerful on here and picking with the others. I guess you have been around this site and said and read many things. I dont know what to say to someone who always helps others so well. Is it easier for you to fill us in?

Super big hugs and a huge shoulder goes your way.

Thank you for your kind words.

I know the advice I would have given myself months ago, but the relationship was solid in my eyes. I was trying to accept the thing that I couldn't change because of all the things that I love. Sometimes there are things that just aren't acceptable.

The short of a long story is I was dating a man who would have always held it over my head that I am a single mother, unweddible in his eyes.


Vent away Justy. Sorry to hear that, but from what I understand it was inevitable. I wish you luck and we are all here for you.

::double sigh::

How long have I known my own fate and hoped I was wrong? Guess that shows how blinding love can be, when you only want the best.

It is all the sloppy mess we go through in life that gives us our cake in the end. Stay strong. Yes it sucks and yes it will take some time. You know where you can go if you are having a bad day...

Carry on... :cool: (;))

Justy, I know you have helped me out a few times, so now it is my turn.

Remember, you got through this before. You know it's not the end of the world.

Get outside and get some fresh air and start thinking of things that you can do to stay occupied.

Things ended for a reason(s) and you must accept that and look toward the future.

We are here for you! :)

Thank you ALL for your kind words. I am handling things well as of right now, but I know things will be up and down for me.

There are circumstances that will make this a bit more complicated then a simple walk away, so I will probably not move out until the first of next month, which only further complicates my scenerio.

It is all the sloppy mess we go through in life that gives us our cake in the end. Stay strong. Yes it sucks and yes it will take some time. You know where you can go if you are having a bad day...

Carry on...:cool: (;))

Kansas City is a bit far! ;)

Kansas City is a bit far!! ;)

We have awesome BBQ and a ton of really cool fountains! Just saying... good looking guys are a dime a dozen here... ;)

Bugger justy!

Unweddable.. again I say bugger!

I don't know you justy,but I love your posts,you sound like an intelligent,smart,funny,sexy,kind hearted woman.

I'm on the other side of the world,and I can see that. If he could'nt then he was blind!

You are not the loser in this situation. You gave 100% and that is all anyone can ask for. If a person lets his "situation" dictate the path of his life, then he is giving up control of what makes him human. Does he only eat when someone rings a bell? One day the bell will stop ringing, and he will starve.

Keep Hanging Tough.

We have awesome BBQ and a ton of really cool fountains! Just sayin...good lookin guys are a dime a dozen here...;)

You going to hook me up when I get out there?

Got to be a little league fan, 30ish, tall, dark and handsome... :)

Thanks, kc. I did need that today.

Oh god tell him to get over it. You're a singe mother so that's unweddible (however you spelled it) But you were good enough to date for 5 years? How does that make sense. Does he realize these days most single women are mothers? It's a very common thing. Especially at our ages. When he sees that and comes running back I hope your strong enough to stay away. Find someone who will respect how hard it is to be a single mother and be proud for your accomplishments. Until then love those kids of yours like nothing else.

Sorry to hear that :-( You will be okay though. Look at it this way, now you can do the things you want to do, for you. Just keep yourself busy and be happy and everything will be all right. Stay around positive people. If I knew you I would say lets go out and have a drink lol

bugger justy!

unweddable..again i say bugger!

i dont know you justy,but i love your posts,you sound like an intelligent,smart,funny,sexy,kind hearted woman.

im on the other side of the world,and i can see that. if he could'nt then he was blind!

Somehow, I really need to hear just that too.
Thank you so much.

Its summer time! Get yourself busy with summer time fun!

Justy I must say you are doing a great job of pulling the attention away from my ego and centering it around you! You get this one day, then it is time for some ego stroking for this Tiger.

Oh god tell him to get over it. Your a singe mother so thats unweddible (however you spelled it) But you were good enough to date for 5 years? How does that make sense. Does he realize these days most single women are mothers?? Its a very common thing. Especially at our ages. When he sees that and comes running back I hope your strong enough to stay away. Find someone who will respect how hard it is to be a single mother and be proud for your accomplishments. Until then love those kids of yours like nothing else.

Oh I see a future for him all right, it's really bleak with a hang up at 34 about women with children, but I have thought that for five years.

It's difficult when you can't understand the only problem in the relationship because the problem isn't yours. Emotionally destructive, he will pay the price, not me. I will pay it now, but you leave a relationship because there is something better out there for you. He isn't going to find that, I know I will.

Justy I must say you are doing a great job of pulling the attention away from my ego and centering it around you! You get this one day, then it is time for some ego stroking for this Tiger.

Kc, when I stroke you, it is not your ego I am aiming to stroke. Just sayin'.

Oh I see a future for him alright, it's really bleak with a hang up at 34 about women with children, but I have thought that for five years.

It's difficult when you can't understand the only problem in the relationship because the problem isn't yours. Emotionally dystructive, he will pay the price, not me. I will pay it now, but you leave a relationship because there is something better out there for you. He isn't going to find that, I know I will.

Yes you will. You know you will come out the shining star. If he feels this way then isn't it better in the end for your kids that you didn't marry? We will all tell you that its going to be OK. If this were another thread you were reading what would you say to her? Just keep that in mind.

Kc, when I stroke you, it is not your ego I am aiming to stroke. Just sayin'.

Thank god you kept your humor!

Thank god you kept your humor!

Let's be honest, that is all KC is good for... a laugh or two! And some major greenie begging, but since you fed me one, I will continue to lurk until I decide to pounce.

Yes you will. You know you will come out the shining star. If he feels this way then isnt it better in the end for your kids that you didnt marry? We will all tell you that its going to be ok. If this were another thread you were reading what would you say to her? Just keep that in mind.

Oh, I look back and think of all the times I could have walked away. I would have always wondered if we could overcome his commitment phobia, but I would have walked away along time ago to not look back.

Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful person, there is just something emotionally closed off about him that I haven't ever been able to get to. He has never treated my children as anything less than his own, so I know that they will be completely devastated as well. They have no idea that our hang up has anything to do with them and they will never know that.

Five years is a long investment and I am sure that emotionally this is going to be very difficult on them, maybe even more difficult than it is on me.

Let's be honest, that is all KC is good for...a laugh or two! And some major greenie begging, but since you fed me one, I will continue to lurk until I decide to pounce.

Boy, you even feel flattered when complimented on my sense of humor... way to spin that one around. ;)

Let's be honest, that is all KC is good for...a laugh or two! And some major greenie begging, but since you fed me one, I will continue to lurk until I decide to pounce.

OK no offense, I gave you the greenie to shut your mouth. Lol
Don't be greedy and don't hijake this on Justy!

I never complain about hijacking, sometimes not talking about the topic at hand is also helpful (for me anyway) with dealing with the topic at hand.

I am emotional, exhausted, frustrated and devastated, all feelings that are helped by kc's insecurity issues. ;) He is my own personal narcissist. :)

Lol

Have a good night Justy. I am sorry your going through this and still have to go home to him. I am done for the day so I am headed out. I will be thinking of you.
Again super big hugs!

Night and thanks Sunny.

Tomorrow is a new day, tonight should be interesting... avoid, avoid, avoid.

OK but is it possible that he loves things the way they are and doesn't want to ruin it by marriage. A lot of people change after they get married. I love being married but honestly a ring doesn't make me anymore commented to my husband than I was before. I love him regardless of if we ever got married or not. He doesn't need to wear a wedding band to know he is my one and only and the man of my dreams. I wish you luck but don't lose someone you love over a marriage. Good luck

Oh believe me that is the theory I was on for the last two years, but the problem isn't not getting married, it's being told that I not 'good enough' to wed, because I entered the relationship a single mother. It's also that when I talk about our future, it's our future, when he brings up our future, it's separated.

I don't know you or your situation, but I am mentally hugging you right now.

In my short time here, I've seen how you help others through their difficulties, and mine, too. Thank you, and I'll be thinking of you!

Thank you Torrid.
I appreciate all the support.
This board is a fabulous place.

What an uncomfortable night, :(

::sigh::

Justy Dear,

I am so sorry that I am just now getting to this. I haven't even talked to you since you got back from Vegas. :(

I've been a little absent the last several days preparing for upcoming licensing exams but I'm here whenever you need me.

I think you are a strong, multi-faceted, wonderful woman. And you're beautiful inside and out. ;)

We've talked before about this kind of stuff so although it's difficult right now, it will get better.

One single mother to another, if a man deems it unacceptable that I have a child with someone I was never married too, well he is not the one for nikosmom. It's a long hard road but our children have been blessings to our lives, wouldn't you say so?

His loss. But by the time he realizes it, you'll be in Kansas City.

Carry on. :cool:

{{{Hugs to ya}}}

His loss. But by the time he realizes it, you'll be in Kansas City.

Carry on. :cool:

{{{Hugs to ya}}}

That was a hilarious line. So I promise you through my tears there was a smile.

This morning was very difficult. Although I am strong and I know what is right, there is something so heartbreaking to me about a man so closed off emotionally, he is willing to let three people who love him BY CHOICE walk out of his life without one word of a fight. That in the end five years is so easy for him to let go of. Not that we had some roller coaster of a relationship, not that it is good riddance to an emotional he!! but just so emotionally self-destructive that we will walk away and he won't say a word.

How is the morning treating you Justy? Keep us informed.

Glad I could give you a chuckle, J. Sometimes that's what we need; a slight diversion.

I don't understand it either because I thought/hoped this would be "the one" for you and I can't seem to wrap my mind around someone walking away so easily.

I can't do too much to ease the hurt but I can be here for you if you need to unload. Or need more diversions.

How are the kids- are they aware yet?

Justwantfair,
I am sorry to hear your breakup after 5 years... People in the board like you, support you, and try to cheer you up. It is somehow better than friends or family network!! Friends & family members love us, but we are too close to them, and sometimes better off not to tell the whole story not to hurt them or saving my face from them for future...

I have seen so many single mothers who were 'chosen' by good quality men in my area. They are happily married with kids. You will be with the right person who really loves you. Your ex was not the right one. Being a single is an actually privilege to meet the better person for your future. You should enjoy it, and try to use the opportunity wisely after you heal from the would.
:) Cheer up! You have a golden ticket in your hand. :)

Awww... Justy, I missed all of this yesterday. I am sooo sorry... If you need anything, let me know. Even if it's just a night at Brewski's to talk. LOL. I've never been there. Always wanted to check it out.

Just checking in Justy.
I am at work now and thought I would see how your night went.

The morning is hard, a little more reality of the situation setting in. A better grasp of the fact that this isn't at all what I want for our future, but I am not the one who needs to fight for this.

The children do not know anything about the separation yet. I have an upcoming status date where it should be finalized for full custody to me on July 21st. Unfortunately until then I can't make an changes to my living environment because it's quite possible that changes would leave the situation up to new investigation and I am too close to having that finalized. If it's not, then we are in a bigger predicament of how to handle a separation.

Thankfully, this isn't a separation rooted in anger and hostility. I honestly can't wrap my own mind around someone walking away or closing possibilities for the reasons that he is. It makes it that much more difficult to grasp and handle my feelings appropriately. Although I feel it's the right move, today I mostly just want to beat some sense into his dense thought processes. My mom called him emotionally self-destructive and I think it fits him well. There is something that even though I know this is affecting him, he hasn't said two words to me about it, he will let me walk away without addressing his own feelings about this situation.

Justwantfair,
I am sorry to hear your breakup after 5 years... People in the board like you, support you, and try to cheer you up. It is somehow better than friends or family network!!!! Friends & family members love us, but we are too close to them, and sometimes better off not to tell the whole story not to hurt them or saving my face from them for future...

I have seen so many single mothers who were 'chosen' by good quality men in my area. They are happily married with kids. You will be with the right person who really loves you. Your ex was not the right one. Being a single is an actually privilege to meet the better person for your future. You should enjoy it, and try to use the opportunity wisely after you heal from the would.
:) Cheer up! You have a golden ticket in your hand. :)

Most of my family I haven't told yet. This isn't the time I want to hear the "I told you so's". I know that when I address my family and friends with this, it will be shocking and it will really make me face my reality... I know what the board would say, but it's a step I am just not ready for and like I stated I have to keep this somewhat under wraps until custody is finalized.

This board has always been my lifeline, the people hear are wonderfully supportive and informed and have helped me maintain my sanity on multiple occasions (and we all know I am only borderline sane ;))

Sometimes people would rather keep their emotions in until it kills them. His lack of ability to express his emotions will be self destructive, as you can only hold them in for so long. So, while it seems he is a robot, eventually a short circuit will occur... it is sad as he will carry this baggage into every relationship he has from here on out.

When your partner can't communicate their feelings to you, I think it is a clear sign of something deeper and perhaps something that cannot be fixed, no matter how much you want to fix it. Some things are the way they are.

Awww... Justy, I missed all of this yesterday. I am sooo sorry... If you need anything, let me know. Even if it's just a night at Brewski's to talk. LOL. I've never been there. Always wanted to check it out.

The one board member close enough to drink with me. :)
That is something new to love.

If he isn't facing his feelings and talking about it then maybe inside he is torn up over it. But then again maybe he is waiting for it to be over and just keeping peace. Either way it makes it an emotional ride for you and that's not fair. He could at least talk. How will he act when he sees your children and there response to it? Does he think they will take it easy and get over it because they are kids? I have to say I can't get it in my head his not wanting marriage to a single mother. It makes no sense to me. Then why did he start to date you?

The one board member close enough to drink with me. :)
That is something new to love.

HAHA! Name the place. Be more than happy to hang out if you need someone to talk to =) And I sent you a message this morning about Saturday, didn't even realize what you were dealing with. If you need to reschedule, that's OK, but I guess sometimes an hour out of the house wouldn't be so bad huh? I guess just let me know what you'd like to do.

Sometimes people would rather keep their emotions in until it kills them. His lack of ability to express his emotions will be self destructive, as you can only hold them in for so long. So, while it seems he is a robot, eventually a short circuit will occur...it is sad as he will carry this baggage into every relationship he has from here on out.

When your partner can't communicate their feelings to you, I think it is a clear sign of something deeper and perhaps something that cannot be fixed, no matter how much you want to fix it. Some things are the way they are.

Yes, my mom equated it to being an addict. You can't force someone to change their self-destructive ways no matter, how hard or how much you want to help.

It hurts when there are no longer options that you want to face ahead of you. So today I am still trying to hang tough, I am just not as tough as I was yesterday, but there have been less tears.

We all have our inner demons to face... you can do what you want, when you want, how you want... but eventually there comes a time to pay the piper. Some of us have never done it, others have done it several times. He is no different.

If he isnt facing his feelings and talking about it then maybe inside he is torn up over it. But then again maybe he is waiting for it to be over and just keeping peace. Either way it makes it an emotional ride for you and thats not fair. He could atleast talk. How will he act when he sees your children and there response to it? Does he think they will take it easy and get over it because they are kids? I have to say I can't get it in my head his not wanting marriage to a single mother. It makes no sense to me. Then why did he start to date you?

I think this is a hang up that he has been trying really hard to work on. When we met he told me he wasn't going to date anyone else with children, as all of his previous relationships had been to single mothers. He listed the problems that he had with the relationships, the hearing 'you're not my dad!', mom always having last say and overruling any punishment he would want to enforce, if things don't work out the additional separation of losing all contact with children he grew attached to, dealing with the 'other' father, etc. All situations that I thought with the right partner could be handled without much complications. When we met he was 29 years old and I remember thinking if you are looking for a single woman without baggage, you are going to grow up alone. We became friends, things grew, I think he was really trying to handle this hang up. We have had our forks in the road where he could have made other choices then continue to pursue this and further the pain, he choose to stay, he choose to try.

I don't know that this situation is real to him yet. I don't think he has really thought about facing it. I know he hasn't slept the last two days, but he isn't talking to me about it. I don't think that this is something he is happy about, but since he's not talking I don't really know where his head is.

HAHA! Name the place. Be more than happy to hang out if you need someone to talk to =) And I sent you a message this morning about Saturday, didn't even realize what you were dealing with. If you need to reschedule, that's ok, but I guess sometimes an hour out of the house wouldn't be so bad huh? I guess just let me know what you'd like to do.

I have try going out drinking when I am emotional before, it's really a depressing sight. I will be ready to call you up on the night out in a couple of weekends though.

We can change the plans to the following Saturday, I won't have the children and I think I will be in a better mood. Blubbering will only complicate things! I am doing a lot of that.

That's fine. There shouldn't be a problem next Saturday. And about going out, yeah we don't have to go out and get wasted or anything. And I know what you mean about the depressing sight, been there... haha!

Justy dear.

I'm sorry I went awol on you yesterday, a few things hit the fan and I had to leave. Forgive me?

I hope that you're feeling better.

I'm glad you decided to talk to everyone here. This is what we do after all, so use that to your advantage.

Words aren't going to help you much right now, but actions will. Chin up, look forward.

One thing I can promise you, it will get easier, this too shall pass.

Hugs to you sweet lady.

You know my number. If you ever need to talk just say the word, I'll be here. Okay? :)

I was just sitting here wondering why the heart feels so much stronger than the head.

My heart and head are standing at conflicting podiums right now in my own internal debate.

I know that my heart has all the power and my head has all the points. It's an internal debate that only leaves a loser. Although my head tells me that I don't lose to listen, my heart and soul tells me I do. I will win the battle and lose the war.

I know my feelings will pass and my heart will change it's direction, but I am not even sure that is truly what my head wants. I feel like the loser in a no win situation. I know I am strong, I can list all of my great qualities fifty times over, not because I am conceded, but because I know who I am. I can also list all of his great qualities and list the one quality that is overseeing anything great about him. I would prefer something simple, something easy to walk away from, but instead I am left with something I can't grasp and something I don't understand personally.

Today: Multi-faceted confusion. :(

Justy, this is normal, don't beat yourself up about it.

Question dear. If you met this wonderful guy, the man of your dreams in every way, but, he's married, would you let your heart make the decision or your head?

I think I know you well enough to know you wouldn't cross that line, so I'm going to assume that you'd leave, because of his commitment to someone else.

The situation you're in right now is similar. He may be great in so many ways, yes, you love him, but, he'll never completely be yours. There's no other woman, just his mental block, his unwillingness to see, to accept, to commit.

You deserve more then this. You know you do. Your heart deserves someone that will not break it over and over again.

Let yourself be confused today. Let yourself cry, get angry, all the emotions that need to come out. Tomorrow is the day to pick yourself up move ahead.

Give yourself today. Tomorrow we'll kick your butt into gear. ;)

You will be fine.

::sigh:: Isn't it strange how other people are more right about my own life. How screwy is that? We all know it, we all face it, other people can manage our lives better then we can. They see threw the garbage. ::sigh::

It's easy to be objectionable and give advice when we aren't the ones attached to the situation. Sucks that more often than not I can't follow my own advice... I tend to let my emotions run me, then, after a few days of solid rational thought, I immediately regret doing that.

That was good kc. Very good.

Justy your in this bubble right now and you have emotions spinning around you. Its easier for others to see the picture as a whole. Its all blurred for you at this point and may be until you can get your custody settled and out on your own.

It's easier to see someone else's situation clearer then we do our own.

When you're living it there's always a fog, when you're on the outside looking in, it's clear as day.

I rarely follow my own advice, too hard. ;)

So you are all my beacons.
That absolutely makes the most sense to me. :)
Shine on, beacons of light, I will make it there yet.

http://www.visualparadox.com/images/no-linking-allowed-main/beacon800.jpg

Of course you will make it there. The best thing ANY person can do, in my opinion, is be a good parent. Not only are you good, you are great, and if someone can't share that with you because of some misplaced sense of self righteousness, then their loss. You are strong, beautiful and someday a guy will come along who will accept you for that and love you, unconditionally. Until then, we are here for you! You have been a pillar and inspiration to a lot of folks on this board, and it will remain that way.

Of course if that last one is too bright, I also carry one of these
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41H9T5SR3HL._SL500_AA280_.jpg

It so funny how many times I have thought to myself that he places conditions on love.
All those fines I incurred for running through the stop signs and red lights are going to be a heavy price to pay. :)
Thank you all for your support, now I just want the ability to move.

It so funny how many times I have thought to myself that he places conditions on love.
All those fines I incurred for running through the stop signs and red lights are going to be a heavy price to pay. :)
Thank you all for your support, now I just want the ability to move.

Is that a request for a kick in the arse?

You know I'm up for it. :D

Was it too soon? It was too soon... :(

Is that a request for a kick in the arse?

You know I'm up for it. :D

You said tomorrow is the arse kicking day. Today I mope, you support, no arse kicking.

My arse is still sore from your last kick!

You said tomorrow is the arse kicking day. Today I mope, you support, no arse kicking.

My arse is still sore from your last kick!

You said you needed the ability to move. I was only trying to help.

Okay, persuasion is better then force. Will you move for chocolate?

It's funny because I haven't said anything about the situation at work, but as you know yesterday, I spent most of the day bawling in my office, with the one attorney consistently asking 'are you okay?' which would only promote more bawling...

This morning, my other boss, brought me chocolate, not sure why, but she placed it on my desk... they have to be completely lost with what my problem is.

It's funny because I haven't said anything about the situation at work, but as you know yesterday, I spent most of the day bawling in my office, with the one attorney consistently asking 'are you okay?' which would only promote more bawling...

This morning, my other boss, brought me chocolate, not sure why, but she placed it on my desk... they have to be completely lost with what my problem is.

That's so sweet. Chocolate is a cure for many things. Personally, good chocolate is better then bad sex. Just my opinion. ;)

That's so sweet. Chocolate is a cure for many things. Personally, good chocolate is better then bad sex. Just my opinion. ;)

What kind of chocolate do you eat? :cool:

Hey justy,just saying hey,see how you were doing,I see alty has the ball,your in save hands.

What kind of chocolate do you eat? :cool:

Only the very best KC. :D

I said bad sex. Good sex is better then anything, even great chocolate.

Wrong thread? :o

Honestly, these are like truffles, they have like a powdered chocolate on them... they look EXPENSIVE. It's such a waste on me. I like certain candy bars straight out of the fridge... Snickers, Reese's, Andy's candies, nothing too fancy. I don't even know what to do with this chocolate.

Honestly, these are like truffles, they have like a powdered chocolate on them... they look EXPENSIVE. It's such a waste on me. I like certain candy bars straight out of the fridge... Snickers, Reese's, Andy's candies, nothing too fancy. I don't even know what to do with this chocolate.

Put it in your mouth and eat it.

Or send it to me, I'll eat it.

Let it melt in your mouth, savor it, enjoy it.

Damnit. Now I want chocolate. :(

Honestly, these are like truffles, they have like a powdered chocolate on them... they look EXPENSIVE. It's such a waste on me. I like certain candy bars straight out of the fridge... Snickers, Reese's, Andy's candies, nothing too fancy. I don't even know what to do with this chocolate.

Melt them down...
Stick in your finger.
Enjoy the suger rush.

melt them down...
stick in your finger.
enjoy the suger rush.

I'm picturing it.

I can almost taste it.

I'm drooling on my keyboard. :(

As I type with one finger I'm eating a chocolate muffin,the type with the gooey stuff in the middle...
De-lish.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this hon.

Five years is a big investment.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I never heard that single mothers were unweddable.

I have been a single Mom for many years and I always thought we were a woman apart,yes,because we had to face the challenges on our own and we had to be strong and persevere in the face of many obstacles.Strong and tough,yes,unweddable,news to me.

Hang in there hon,you know we are all in your corner!

I think this is only in his world.
He is a Momma's boy and I always have thought that this hang up was passed on to him through her. He has NO experience with a non-nuclear family, not a single remarried family in his devote Catholic Italian family heritage.
Unfortunately, despite that thought, his mother disconfirmed my theory when she stated she loved the kids and wondered herself what the obsticle was.
I am at a loss and trying to stop the analytical side of me from running my head. I don't need an explanation although I desperately want one.

EDIT: Added information.

In reading this post, and know what your going through, as I was looking for words to encourage, and support you, my friend, I noticed your signature, and thought how prophetic those lines were.

Despite all the misery, pain, and confusion that now surrounds you, I have a feeling that I should be complimenting your strength and willingness to go through this tough time, as many would not just leave their comfort zone to do the right thing for themselves. Maybe you can't see it now, but have faith that we certainly can.

You just hang in there, and trust yourself, that you will get through this as you have other challenges you have already faced down, and conquered. I so admire the willingness you continue to show, to take the risk, and shake it up, when you see the course your on isn't working, and your looking for a better path.

All I can do is give you a big ole cyber hug, and tell you to go for it!!

I like it when someone is willing to go for there own happiness.

Thank you, that means a lot coming from you Tal.

I am working through this one day at a time, but you are right to say that I am leaving the comfort zone, not because I can't handle it, but because I don't want to.

I deserve better then the offer of a life together without marriage.
My children deserve better then someone who doesn't see them as the gift of life that they are.

Up and down, carnival ride. Eventually the ride will stop and I can get off.

Justy
Sorry I just stumbled on this and really can't add to what everyone else has already said.

Just wanted to show my support and let you know I think you'll be fine once all the dust has settled. You deserve someone who can make you eternally happy and this is just one of the stepping stones to get there. Better it happened now than wasting another 5 years.

Chin up Hon , we'll all be here for you if needed!

Thanks M.

I am still in a state of confusion and talking to our next door neighbor has left me a bit more confused.

He is really into the relationship, marriage matters stuff and he is busy pointing out all the progress we have made. I know that he likes us together and he is trying to help, but it left me more confused that I am walking away from five years too soon.

He does know us both personally and he did give me some things to mull over. ::sigh::

Fact is he is not addressing your feelings at this time, and for whatever reason that is, not talking about it doesn't help at all. Have you examined your own reasons for wanting to be married, and why is it that important to you?/ Another question is can he work with you? He hasn't so far. Just me, I would let him know his comments about who he would marry, was an insult, and I don't blame you for re-evaluating your situation, and wanting out.

Fact is he is not addressing your feelings at this time, and for whatever reason that is, not talking about it doesn't help at all. Have you examined your own reasons for wanting to be married, and why is it that important to you?/ Another question is can he work with you?? He hasn't so far. Just me, I would let him know his comments about who he would marry, was an insult, and I don't blame you for re-evaluating your situation, and wanting out.

I think that is the part that is neglected from the whole thread because there has been so much going between us.

The neighbor who is really into personality traits sympathizes with both sides, but the fact that he was stressing most was that we did have progress, it was just not progress the way or as fast as I want it. He has been working on these commitment issues steadily for the last two years, but the progress is slow.

We aren't talking but it's possibly because my partner is processing my conversation. I think that I am right for how I feel. The neighbor agreed with that, but was more on the side of walking away from five years. Our situation complicated by children and living together and a high-quality relationship outside of my partner's ability to commit to marriage.

I have wanted marriage for quite some time. I know that he wants children of his own and at 34 and 30, with my tubes tied, there isn't too much more time to be stalling. In the end, I may get what I want, while he won't get what he wants because he just wants to sit on the pot.

I love him for who he is, if he could commit to marriage, I wouldn't have two more words to say about the situation. But five years seems a fair amount of time to wait. I am more confused now then before. Not because I am wrong, but because I only half want what is right.

I won't stay without some conversation about this situation and an idea of what the root of this problem is, because I don't think that the root is that he doesn't love me and the kids.

Checking in on you justy.
Hope your holding out well today. Sure hope you ate those pretty chocolates to!
I was reading your last post and it got me thinking maybe there is something deeper to him about all this. Maybe he doesn't even know. Maybe he can't express his feelings in to words for you to understand. But I still think he has had every chance to make you his wife. He has failed for his own foolish reasons.

So we had a conversation this morning about the situation, the conversation wasn't completed, but there seems to be some frustrations on both sides about our relationship.

He once again admitted that he is emotional not as open as I would like but that he has been putting a lot of effort into trying to move forward. I think that he feels like I should always feel and be aware of these efforts and he should be getting credit although for me they are baby steps.

We talked about how my frustrations that have been coming out in snide, smart arse remarks are under his skin and he is sick of dealing with it. I think the frustrations on both ends are growing and causing more turmoil. I don't feel great about the conversation, but I see some of my own errors in the failures we are currently having.

So I guess I will have to wait until the conversation is completed.

Feedback?

My only feedback would be to continue the conversations. Sometimes, especially for a guy like him who internalizes everything, you just need to let it out. Scream, yet at the top of your lungs, anything to just get that mess out of your system (and I don't mean yell at you, but just to find some way to vent). I hate to say it, but perhaps these conversations are coming a bit too late? At any rate, hopefully this can be worked out and you two can see, with an objectional viewpoint, the faults both of you carry into this.

So we had a conversation this morning about the situation, the conversation wasn't completed, but there seems to be some frustrations on both sides about our relationship.

He once again admitted that he is emotional not as open as I would like but that he has been putting alot of effort into trying to move forward. I think that he feels like I should always feel and be aware of these efforts and he should be getting credit although for me they are baby steps.

We talked about how my frustrations that have been coming out in snide, smart arse remarks are under his skin and he is sick of dealing with it. I think the frustrations on both ends are growing and causing more turmoil. I don't feel great about the conversation, but I see some of my own errors in the failures we are currently having.

So I guess I will have to wait til the conversation is completed.

Feedback?

I think you should feel great about the conversation because it was exactly that, a conversation. That's a start. My husband doesn't talk at all and when he tries he doesn't know how to express his feelings. I have to ask him little things at a time to understand his point. I wouldn't take the blame totally in this. But he has to understand maybe your snide remarks would be less if he were more open to the topic and willing to discuss it more. Its like your playing off each others frustrations. He hears a smart remark from you and he tenses up and clams up. In return you see that and it makes more tension and more remarks from you. You have at least brought that in to the light now. Ask him if he understands why you make these remarks and ask him if he understands how you might feel. Don't leave this conversation where its at. You sit him down and continue it where you left off. Ask ask ask. If he doesn't answer or avoids something then reword the question. But certainly this morning wasn't a failure by any means.

I am a pretty objective person. I wasn't doubting my own faults (although I do see his a lot clearer than my own). :p

I guess the conversation with our neighbor has me all messed up. The neighbor noted lots of things that my partner had progressed with. He told me that while it's so minor to me, it's huge steps for him. That if I am getting 10% progress then I should be understanding, because the progress is there. He went on to talk about the more internal a person is, the slower, but more permanent the change. If my partner were able to offer a ring tomorrow, it would make him more likely to be the partner that would file for divorce just as quickly. That my partner's progress is way slower but way more permanent so that once the change is made there isn't a turn back. Does that make sense? I guess it made sense to me, but then it also put me back on another five year plan... ::shakes head::

He wants me to hold off until August and go with him (the neighbor) to some of his Marriage Matters seminars.

I think you should feel great about the conversation because it was exactly that, a conversation. Thats a start. My husband doesnt talk at all and when he tries he doesnt know how to express his feelings. I have to ask him little things at a time to understand his point. I wouldnt take the blame totally in this. But he has to understand maybe your snide remarks would be less if he were more open to the topic and willing to discuss it more. Its like your playing off each others frustrations. He hears a smart remark from you and he tenses up and clams up. In return you see that and it makes more tension and more remarks from you. You have atleast brought that in to the light now. Ask him if he understands why you make these remarks and ask him if he understands how you might feel. Dont leave this conversation where its at. You sit him down and continue it where you left off. Ask ask ask. If he doesnt answer or avoids something then reword the question. But certainly this morning wasnt a failure by any means.

I think this morning was progressive. I think that although I have approached the conversation in the past, he worries that telling me how he feels will often lead to fighting. Most often his vents and frustrations focus around housework... his love language is 'acts of service' and he is OCD, so it's like housework not getting done or that is neglected for a day throws him into all sorts of chaos.

I think there was some buildup behind this and if we can break down some of where the buildup came from. Like I told him this morning, I tell him probably every time I get frustrated with him and because he isn't emotionally open, I don't feel heard, so I tend to readdress and readdress the same issue rather than see that he is working on what my complaint was. I continue to nag about the original complaint because he never addressed my feelings with words, he just changed his actions... which should get him more credit then I give.

I think this morning was progressive. I think that although I have approached the conversation in the past, he worries that telling me how he feels will often lead to fighting. Most often his vents and frustrations focus around housework... his love language is 'acts of service' and he is OCD, so it's like housework not getting done or that is neglected for a day throws him into all sorts of chaos.

I think there was some buildup behind this and if we can break down some of where the buildup came from. Like I told him this morning, I tell him probably every time I get frustrated with him and because he isn't emotionally open, I don't feel heard, so I tend to readdress and readdress the same issue rather than see that he is working on what my complaint was. I continue to nag about the original complaint because he never addressed my feelings with words, he just changed his actions... which should get him more credit then I give.

That makes so much sense to me. I know where your coming from with that. Are you sure your not dating my husband? So much the same.
Would he be willing to do to these seminars with you? Maybe that would help him also. Does he realize the stats out there on single mothers? Does he realize not taking the leap with you will more then likely only lead him to another single mother? Maybe if you talk it over with him about what the neighbor said he might want to go to a seminar to. Go once at least because what's it going to hurt? If you get nothing at all out of it then I guess that's at least something. But you really need to keep your dreams and feelings up front about this. He is coming around slowely. But when will he do the full circle. In another 5 years?

In another 5 years?

That is my biggest question.

That is my biggest question.

Make sure you get that out there next time you talk. Make sure it sinks in and he knows it. But when this is all said and done, what if he did propose? Would you spend the rest of your life wondering if you pushed him in to it? I hate to say to that but you have to think of yourself in this also. He has to do it because its right for him and its time. But will he cave under the pressure and just do it? Does that make sense?

That is why I won't address it and I feel that is a lot of his backlash.

I have always put the pressure out there, not for pressure's sake, but for the fact that it's already like we are married. I think in the end, to move forward, I will be the one who has to step down, in order for him to step up.

Whatever you need to do. Its your life and happiness. Your so smart and strong I have seen it in these threads. Just don't step down and settlel for less when you deserve more. You have proven to him and its still not enough ( to me it seems )
Take this big hug and if you need to break down here a good dry shoulder to slop up.

As I've read to the treads I really don't feel I have anything to contribute (that would be constructive), but I do want you to know that I'm here and you've got my sympathies and shoulder and whatever else you might need.

Also sunflowers latest post do hold a very important point... in the end it really is about your happiness, your life... and if he can't give you what you need, then in the end it might be better to leave it behind. Even though that's a painful decision to make! 5 years is a long time and you've made a big investment! Gosh it always grips me... how sometimes even though you want something to work out, and you want something with every fiber in your body... and you lay down years of your time, your love and devotion... :sigh:...

I really wish you the best of everything!

A huge hug goes out to you Justy!!

Thank you both for your support.

It is a difficult fork in the road and I am not sure how the rest of the conversation will go. If he is willing to go to the seminar, that would be the most significant thing to me. Acknowledging a problem is one thing, but facing it head on would be a bigger step. I think that it could potential make us stronger and we do have great qualities in a relationship that are hard to come by, so working on these issues could make our relationship great.

I will keep everyone posted and thanks once again to everyone for the support and the sounding board. In addition to all of the great reflection I will have if this all blows up in my face and I am still on hold in a year. :eek:

So true, there really is a difference in acknowledging and in facing a problem... but it is a start though... there is no hope of fixing a problem, if the partners involved can't see or express what that problem is.

I hope the rest of the conversation goes well...

Another thing that I've kind of been thinking about your situation... is that even if the two of you go towards a break-up, I'm glad that you have the emotional tools that you have and from former posts (even though it is harder to follow our own advice then to give it) you really do strike me a reflected person, who have many many things going for her (intellectually as well as in other ways)!

Thank you, I honestly don't see either situation as a losing situation, he grows or I leave for new experiences. Just different results to the roads.

I am way more hopeful that he is willing to continue to grow and work on the issues.

See you already have a positive look on it. That's great that you can see that and voice it. It's a winning situation either way. Its just a hard road to get there.

I'm glad that this is the way you have chosen to look at your situation! Either way, both of you will hopefully be an experience richer. (or even several.)

That's another thing I like about you justy, the way you chose to look at the matters at hand.

::blushing:: Thank you Roxy.

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean,' she said. 'She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.'

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.'

The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.'

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

So the conversation didn't go the way I had hoped. I feel a bit lost with the situation. We both aired a lot of frustrations that were not being communicated appropriately previous to this. He said he understands I want to get married, but he is not ready, no indication of if he ever will be. Which is confusing because in almost every aspect it is like we already are married, maybe it is just to keep walking away easier? The only explanation I can gather.

So last night the conversation was left that we are both fed up with each other. That we have until the next day in court to decide how we want to go forward. He was very pessimistic throughout the conversation, where there weren't good times or good things to talk about, only a lot of pent up frustration with feeling like I treat him poorly. :(

Today: Still lost.

I'm going to have to be the devil's advocate here.

I'm really sorry to hear about your most recent fight. You've asked for advice on your situation for about a year.

If you read your first post and your last post, it seems like there hasn't been much progress in your relationship with your boyfriend.

I hate to point this out, but after 1 year and little or no progress, with the help of all these experts, it might be time to call it quits.

You read the first and last post correct? You skipped everything in the middle ;).
This wasn't a fight.
I am aware of the little to no progress.

Oh Justy I am so sorry to hear this. I was kind of hoping for something more positive. But keep in mind what you said last week about in the end positive will come out of this. If your living like a married couple but he doesn't want to marry then to heck with him. Maybe its not true in any way, but my first thought was not marrying he is keeping his options still open so he can walk away with less hassle. I hated to write that to you but that's what came to mind. Its going to be so hard but take this as a step towards a new and happier life.

A big hug your way...

You read the first and last post correct? You skipped everything in the middle ;).
This wasn't a fight.
I am aware of the little to no progress.

I read the first page and the last page (and now I read a few more pages) and saw that there was no progress anywhere. Just something I wanted to help point out.

You already know this, but if there's no progress after all this time, how do you know things will get better later? It definitely won't fix itself overnight. If you're willing to continue to put your life on hold and wait it out, I'm sure we'll all support you. But we also want you to be happy!

I'm sure you know this as well, but I still feel the need to point it out. The longer to keep hanging on to something that isn't going to turn out the way you want, the more you will miss out on.

Oh Justy I am so sorry to hear this. I was kind of hoping for something more positive. But keep in mind what you said last week about in the end positive will come out of this. If your living like a married couple but he doesnt want to marry then to heck with him. Maybe its not true in any way, but my first thought was not marrying he is keeping his options still open so he can walk away with less hassle. I hated to write that to you but thats what came to mind. Its going to be so hard but take this as a step towards a new and happier life.

A big hug your way...

Yeah, I agree that seems to be the only valid reason for not stepping up to the plate he already eats off. I know that I don't have it in me for any more patience. I love him, this isn't what I wanted or expected. I did yesterday learn more about the role I have been playing in the most recent frustrations. I did walk away knowing that this would be a failure of both of ours, not just his. There seemed to be a lot that he has been frustrated about that he communicated and I wasn't listening to, which I had thought we communicated well, but in hearing some of how he interprets my responses (which haven't been positive lately) I completely understand why he feels like it will be a difficult relationship to repair.

It made it a bit more clear how he was pushing away rather than drawing closer.

I read the first page and the last page (and now I read a few more pages) and saw that there was no progress anywhere. Just something I wanted to help point out.

You already know this, but if there's no progress after all this time, how do you know things will get better later? It definitely won't fix itself overnight. If you're willing to continue to put your life on hold and wait it out, I'm sure we'll all support you. But we also want you to be happy!

I'm sure you know this as well, but I still feel the need to point it out. The longer to keep hanging on to something that isn't going to turn out the way you want, the more you will miss out on.

I understand this, I am working on letting go of the last five years.
Walking away from five years with two children involved isn't my favorite option.
The progress has been there, it just isn't marriage, it's progress of learning to communicate and handling some highly stressful custody situations with a man who already has a commitment fear. This has been a trying year, but not just between us.

Its been a long road, its trying just like you said. But take it as a learning lesson and use what you have learned and hurt from to move forware.

Do the kids know yet? How is this going to be on them? What if they want to continue to see him what will happen then?

It takes time, but you'll get through this. You've come a long way and will continue to get stronger. Make sure that you're surrounded by friends and family for support.

We're always here to give you objective advice and support!

Its been a long road, its trying just like you said. But take it as a learning lesson and use what you have learned and hurt from to move forware.

Do the kids know yet? How is this going to be on them? What if they want to continue to see him what will happen then?

I guess a part of me says that it's still a relationship in progress with the potential to be a great relationship, the part of me that has seen us make it through some tough times and a part of me that sympathizes with his issues and the progress he has made for me. The other part of me wonders how long I can give.

The kids have no idea, we did everything together as usual this weekend. I am not stirring that pot until I absolutely have to. My daughter will be devastated, her father's wife recently separated and moved out of her father's house. That was devastating to a little girl with more compassion in a little finger than some have in their whole body. My son will be pretty upset also. I know this will be a long road for three (4) people. I wouldn't stop a relationship between my kids and him. He is a wonderful role model and he has made great progresses with my son, who father was absent most of the time until the last year when now he is the video game father. ::sigh::

I know on that end it's easy. At times I remember that I think it's easy, but I always feel like I am walking away too soon. I honestly wondered two years ago, if we would ever get to the point of living together, we had been together for three years at that point. His progress is dismally slow, but it has been there. It's just required every ounce of my patience.

Well maybe with luck on your side this split can happen and be some eye opener for him with little effect on your kids. What would happen then. If you were a single girl again knowing what you know of him would you date him?

Without the history we have, I wouldn't get involved.
I know if I walk away, I don't look back.

See maybe that's what you need to keep in mind.
Either way you're a smart and beautiful girl. You will come out a shining star after all this. I just hope your kids will to and can still have a solid relationship with him.

You are one tough cookie my friend, just remind me never bet against you.

I don't feel tough, I feel untough... :confused:
Words are important, I have to think about the words.
Thank goodness break ups aren't often.
I will never break up again, after this. ;)

Sometimes it's the pressure of marriage that destroys the relationship.
I am very secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. We made a commitment to each other, we love each other dearly, and I already wear his ring. We both don't want to get married because there's really nothing it would do for us that we haven't already done. When I think of marriage, I panic. We both have a lifetime of properties and investment/retirement accounts that would all have to be changed to identify a change in status. At this point in my life, I don't want to deal with all that.
I suppose you pressured him to marry you because he had become a step-father to your children. Maybe his own family pressured him against marriage.
5 years was a long time, but better late than never to figure it out.

That's so true. The pressure of marriage destroys a relationship.
I guess for me its one of those statements that make you go hmm...

You sound like where he is, think of marriage and panic. We just aren't on the same page, I don't feel like my motives are poor for not wanting a marriage commitment. Sometimes I feel like it is a financial thing because he is very financially sound, where as I have been a single mother and although I don't bring debt forward, he is well into a solid nest egg. There is a level of commitment, very similar to marriage, I trust him completely, he is faithful to our relationship, we are great friends and companions, some communication is lacking but other communication is high.

I highly believe that his family had a huge influence until recently I have made huge strides to be accepted by his very devote nuclear Catholic family. His mother about eighteen months ago told him that she was concerned that I was a gold-digger... shortly after I moved in. :confused: :eek:

A gold digger? You dated some time before you moved in didn't you? That's poor judgement on her part. Maybe she is afraid of losing her little boy to another woman. Just stick with what your dreams are and don't look back.

A gold digger? You dated some time before you moved in didnt you? Thats poor judgement on her part. Maybe she is afraid of losing her little boy to another woman. Just stick with what your dreams are and dont look back.

Yeah, it was poor judgement, we had been together for about three years at that point. She said it because he had bought me a washer/dryer set, that I paid him back for at Christmas time, she had been with at the purchase. He set her straight, but he is a Momma's boy and I know her opinion is highly influential, but I think his Mom and I are pretty good now. I think she would be the most surprised by this.

Wow, I'm gone a few days and I miss this. I am so sorry to hear about this, you have so much on your plate but known that you are truly strong, true strength comes from within. You made a good choice as you saw no satisfying end to the relationship for you, so you did wha you had to. Keep your head up!

Thank you for posting on my similar situation, I've read your story, I think your really brave and I really respect you. I wish I had the same willpower. But I don't know if I could pick myself up after 9 years of investment. I find it difficult to understand how people can afford to break up. If we split I would have to find a horrid grotty flat and give up my car, and all the other little luxuries! How do people do it?

Good on you though justy x

Our stories are similar and I do alternate from weak to strong. I know I can do it alone, but wanting to is the more difficult part. I want to have that wand, the one little girls dream of that keeps all of the great qualities we love and we can keep our Prince Charming.

I know that I was frustrated to no end after three years and here I still am, hoping that whatever he can't legally commit to while emotionally and physically committing to will be fixed. Sooner or later, I will have to realize it's a false hope.

I can't even imagine nine years in the predicament, I don't have any more strength for bending and patience, but there is a lot to lose and I understand that weight as well. Sometimes I believe that I have to accept who he is because I dislike the alternative.

Our stories are similar and I do alternate from weak to strong. I know I can do it alone, but wanting to is the more difficult part. I want to have that wand, the one little girls dream of that keeps all of the great qualities we love and we can keep our Prince Charming.

I know that I was frustrated to no end after three years and here I still am, hoping that whatever he can't legally commit to while emotionally and physically committing to will be fixed. Sooner or later, I will have to realize it's a false hope.

I can't even imagine nine years in the predicament, I don't have any more strength for bending and patience, but there is alot to lose and I understand that weight as well. Sometimes I believe that I have to accept who he is because I dislike the alternative.

I am not sure if anybody asked you this yet since I haven't read all the thread, but why are YOU proposing to him? I mean if you want to marry him, ask him in the most romantic setting ever (with some erotism). It is old school to wait so that he can ask you to marry him.

I am not sure if anybody asked you this yet since I haven't read all the thread, but why are YOU proposing to him? I mean if you want to marry him, ask him in the most romantic setting ever (with some erotism). It is old school to wait so that he can ask you to marry him.

I know his current concerns and I would hope that when he is ready he will do the proposing. It's his commitment to make, he is the one who isn't ready, my proposal wouldn't promote the result that I would want.

I would have no hesitation proposing if I felt he was emotional ready.

I know his current concerns and I would hope that when he is ready he will do the proposing. It's his commitment to make, he is the one who isn't ready, my proposal wouldn't promote the result that I would want.

I would have no hesitation proposing if I felt he was emotional ready.

Well in that case, talk to him. It may be silly, but to my mind, I'll make everything work before I would break with someone. I'll make sure that all options have been exhausted and talk and talk again and if then it doesn't work I would break up. You need to think rationally about your decisions. Ask him why he isn't ready? Is he afraid of commitment? Maybe if you really feel strongly about a weeding, hint to him that you are going to leave him.

Just checking in to see how things were going.
Hope your doing OK.

Still in limbo.

I think we are trying to work things out, but I don't know that it will give us any progress and I don't think that I am emotionally prepared to wait around on him any longer.

We had to register the kids for their new schools :( and we are waiting to see how court goes next Tuesday. Thankfully we don't have any real beef that we can't make it through this time.

Still in limbo.

I think we are trying to work things out, but I don't know that it will give us any progress and I don't think that I am emotionally prepared to wait around on him any longer.

We had to register the kids for their new schools :( and we are waiting to see how court goes next Tuesday. Thankfully we don't have any real beef that we can't make it through this time.

Well I guess in a sense that's good. Its not worse. Not any better for you but it didn't get worse. It just sucks you have that lingering over your head you know. Have you been able to talk at all?

Yeah we have talked about the issues, last Sunday. He felt like I was short and hateful to him. We both feel unappreciated and not understood. Really we found some relationship issues that require both of us to work on. Not to say that I don't personally see the root problem, but he said he is not ready to marry.

::shrug:: It was a lot of stuff that should have been addressed prior. I told him we are fighting against his emotional wall and we can't get around it, he is guarded and although I know he lets me peek over, the wall is still there. We talked about everything going on with him and the kids and he seems to have adjusted well to being a FT step-father which is something that scared him for a long time and now it's us falling apart. :(

Go figure huh? He conquers one battle and is fighting another.
Well I was just wondering. You have been quiet. Wanted to make sure you were OK. I will listen any time. No matter how big or small.

Yeah, I will be back when something more definite occurs. Right now I feel like that back peddler. Five years is hard to walk away from when there is only one serious problem and I constinently walk back and forth on how important the one issue is v. everything great we have. :(

Definitely keep everyone posted.

UPDATE: Things had been going well, the custody battle had ended and it had weighed in my favor. Sunday I was caught for some playful banter that was inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship. Although there wasn't anything serious meant in the banter, I have hurt someone I love termendously with the action.

Although it is not determined if it was in anger yet, I have 'two weeks' to find a new place to stay and things have been horribly uncomfortable at home. I am treated as if I did cheat and being about as close to the scum of the Earth right now. I have apologized, which I sincerely mean, twice. I have never seen such a look of hatred from my partner. It has been less than 48 hours and I don't know if or how to fix this situation, although I really would like to.

Any suggestions?

Could you elaborate on what happened as regards the banter?has your partner been jealous before?and are there any other underlying issues for your partner at the moment?

It was playful, joking pertaining to a sexual nature, but it was in fun not serious. It was inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship, but my intent was not to disrespect him or our relationship. I have always been a flirt and I love talking about sex. I imagine it hurt my partner to read something flirty in nature with someone else. I am not saying that I am not in the wrong, I know that I am.

My partner has never been jealous before and I think that he did feel threatened, although it wasn't serious and my partner had no reason to believe that it might be.

I don't know about the underlying issues, we were having a decent day, I thought. It was my daughter's birthday party that day.

It could be that he has minded but not said anything before,maybe this latest was the straw that broke the camels back?you ve been together for a long time-couldnt you ask him to sit down and talk it through?calmly and sensibly?

Thus far, calm and civil, is far from where he is. He is at broading and angry. If he had minded I would have corrected the behavior, it's just in fun, but I would never intentionally want to hurt his feelings.

Let him cool off, and see if he wants to talk, a few days maybe, but if he is not wiling to work it out, take a long break from him.

That's when guys "go fishing" to chill and gain perspective.

Thanks Tal, I am trying to make things right. I know I was out of line. Last night we talked, he is still angry (he has had about 48 hours with the information). I know that he sees it as a serious betrayal, which was not my intention because it wasn't serious. He said that we will keep things civil but that I still need to move out. He is still forcing me to sleep on the couch, as in his words, I do not belong in his bed.

How long do I let him stew on this?
Could a flirty conversation necessitate a break-up?
I have offered for him to have every screen name and password to anything, he is allowed to check my phone whenever he would like. I have never felt like I had anything to hide from him and I still don't. I know that he isn't going to see the playfulness of the conversation, he is reading it the way it hurts him most, like it was a serious hook up arrangement.

Am I approaching him too early?

His deep anger makes me suspect that he has had issues around this for quite some time.if he s not ready to talk you can't force him.maybe you should ask yourself why you act the flirt? I d try one more discussion with him but if he s adamant he s not going to change his mind Id move out sooner rather than later however painful that would be.

He has insecurity issues.

I do not flirt with anyone that it would even be fiasable to have a relationship with. I flirt with people that I know are aware that it is only flirting and that I am not interesting in leading anyone on. I flirt because I am comfortable and I am open and I enjoy talking about sex.

I love my partner, if I ever knew how much something like this would hurt him, I would never have partcipated. My heart is with him. If I was guilty of something I would walk away and know that I failed the relationship, in a way, I have failed the relationship, but not in an unfixable manner.

If he feels betrayed that's the way he feels even though you didn't intend any betrayal.his insecurity issues would magnify his sense of betrayal.like I said before try talking to him one more time -if he s still angry and can't or won't change his mind you need to take charge of your situation and act.

If I was guilty of something I would walk away and know that I failed the relationship, in a way, I have failed the relationship, but not in an unfix able manner.
You're a friend, and a colleague, but it was a red flag that you should pay attention to, when his reaction was the way it was, basically kicking you out, and ending the relationship.

Sure it was innocent (your so called mistake!! ) and fixable to your mind, (mine too), but I think he was harboring those feelings for a while, and will for some time to come. He is using this episode as his opening to make a major change, as a committed couple would have easily solved this glitch with a calm word and dropped it, trusting the partner to correct whatever it was. Maybe I read this wrong, so correct me, as he wasn't even there, so his knowledge is second hand, which raises another red flag to me, as his reaction was blown out of proportion, and he didn't bother getting your side of it.

He needs to stew in his own juice, and you still need somewhere to go, you and your child, and that's the saddest part to me, making an arbitrary decision that affects not just you, but all others who live with you, in such a dismissing manner.

Be logical later, handle your business now. If he is unwilling to talk... then your decision is to take care of you, and yours.

It takes you both to be willing to fix things, and for whatever reason, he is NOT!

(48 hours to leave? That's callous and cold as it gets. To many red flags waving to ignore. Sorry)

I don't have 48 hours to leave, when he read it (2 days ago), he gave two weeks.
When we talked last night, he was less angry and stated he still wanted to end the relationship but that I had time to get things in order before I go. That we can keep things civil, but that he wasn't discussing this topic anymore, he made up his mind that he wanted to end the relationship.
Am I niave and hopeful just thinking that this is still too fresh for him.
He can still spout off what I wrote line for line.

You're a wise lady and you ve posted loads of great advice here-if this were my post what would your response be? I'm sorry this has happened to you and as usual there s no magic wand-but I don't think he s going to change his mind in the near future and after a period would you want him to?

He gave two weeks.


That's ridicules. Even the law gives 30 days.


Am I naïve and hopeful just thinking that this is still too fresh for him.


Not naïve, in shock over his reaction maybe. I would be too.

In my relationship, I am the insecure one. Therefore, I can understand why your boyfriend would give you a two week notice after he finds out you've flirted with someone else.
I've left my boyfriend several times over his "friendships" with his ex's, but we've always managed to get back together because I know that he doesn't love them like he loves me.

I stand by my original assessment that "commitment phobia" is temporary. It only lasts for as long as you are with the wrong person.

I stand by my original assessment that "commitment phobia" is temporary. It only lasts for as long as you are with the wrong person.

So after five and a half years, that would definitely make me the wrong person. :o

Or it makes him the wrong person for you.

Or it makes him the wrong person for you.

Exactly! Finding the wrong partner is easy. The right person takes time. Many people would rather stay with the wrong partner than risk being alone.

It is my opinion that when two people truly love each other, they will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship together. There have been times when I've been so mad at my boyfriend that I've moved out of his apartment on the spot, but I'm always back within the week with all my stuff. So now, we just give each other space after an argument/misunderstanding, because we would rather be mad at each other but still together, than to be mad at each other and apart.

Justwantfair, this is my first post to this forum. I found this site while researching the reason I feel the way that I do about my own personal relationship.

I am going through a similar situation to yours. I feel and empathize with your situation. How are things going now?

I am at my wits end...

12th house please post your story for more specific advice.
Thanks.

12th house please post your story for more specific advice.
Thanks.


Hi amicon, thanks for your response. I am not ready to post my dirty laundry as of yet. Since my situation resembles Justwantfair so much, I was actually concerned about her and asked her how she was doing.

I am concerned simply because I understand and empathize with the situation. It seems as if she is living the same scenario as I am. Therefore, it wasn't actually a comment but more so a status check from a concerned individual (which probably isn't my place as of yet), but I was hoping that she is OK and not beating herself up emotionally and spiritually.

Thank you,

12th House

No problems welcome back when you are.

Good Morning 12th House,

I am doing okay, I am not sure which piece of the puzzle you empathize with, but I am finding the commitment phobic person to be more and more common. Healthy relationships, one goal oriented and one stagnent party.

I would love to help and talk about your story, this is the most wonderfully supportive forum for discussing situations, I hope that soon you decide to share with us.

It also helps me to hear about other situations.

To update the most recent problem, my partner apologized about how he handled this situation, it meant a lot. Now I am just working on rebuilding the trust that I destroyed.

Thanks Justwantfair, I sympathize with your situation in a lot of ways. I've been with my partner for 4 years, I have two children as well (18 & 17 yrs old). I am also divorced, for a great many years.

And yes, my partner is commitment phobe and has been for a very long time. My partner is hot and cold with me (changes daily). One minute he dreams of kids and marriage and the other he wants out of our relationship, ignores my needs and lacks the ability in making my feelings a priority. He insists that he loves me but his actions say differently. I am fed up and I would rather stop now than commit myself to another 4 years of the same.

I'm glad that you are doing better and I hope that upward swing is sustainable.

p.s. don't want to highjack your thread :P so kept it brief as possible :D

You will get the most help by starting your own thread, when you are ready. When you do, be sure to let me know.

I completely have been through this for going on six years next April. Some I don't even put out here because while I have tried to be understanding and accepting, I don't understand but accept this situation. I think I had all sorts of warning signs to get out of this relationship sooner, but the relationship itself is very healthy and functioning. With the exception of the occasional disagreement, that while this time was an exception, typically disagreements are handled with utmost respect of the other person and care for their feelings. He is in fact my best friend, but this is a difficult side to be on, especially when you try every direction, the talking directly about the situation and the avoiding talking about it to remove the pressure.

We have now watched everyone get married around us. Our friends talk about it all the time because they think we are great together. When he told me about his sister getting engaged, he knew and I couldn't control crying for nearly an hour following the news. I make excuses for his inability to commitment but I myself don't even understand it.

I'm happy for you that the recent upheaval s being sorted out. As regards the commitment issue what s his point of view?
What are his ideas and feelings about marriage?

Justwantfair;
You will get the most help by starting your own thread, when you are ready. When you do, be sure to let me know.

I completely have been through this for going on six years next April. Some I don't even put out here because while I have tried to be understanding and accepting, I don't understand but accept this situation. I think I had all sorts of warning signs to get out of this relationship sooner, but the relationship itself is very healthy and functioning.

With the exception of the occasional disagreement, that while this time was an exception, typically disagreements are handled with utmost respect of the other person and care for their feelings. He is in fact my best friend, but this is a difficult side to be on, especially when you try every direction, the talking directly about the situation and the avoiding talking about it to remove the pressure.

I will definetely let you know :) when I post my situation. *get ready though... its looong LOL!*

In reading your posts (in regards how you betrayed his "trust"). It seems to me that there is a shift of responsibility and while yes, you have taken ownership of "betrayal," the shift of responsibility has been put on you to fix the situation in your relationship. In other words you now have to try harder to demonstrate to him that you worthy of his commitment. But in all reality, haven't you been doing that for 6 years?

I'm pretty sure you stated in your earlier threads that he wants children, etc. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is something I'm pretty sure I read in one of the 18 pages of this thread! LOL!)

I question this because marriage and children are a lifetime commitment. At your age, if you were to take all the necessary steps to become fertile with the grand prize of ultimately becoming pregnant, and the average time it takes to raise children that are self sufficient is about 20 - 25 years, then that will make you appr. 55 - 60 years old by the time you are done raising the child you conceived together. That pretty much sums up that you are making a lifetime commitment to your relationship and yes, him.

Therefore, if he is unwilling to give you a lifetime commitment, how can you continue to hope that this man will come to his senses in time for you to take on the arduous task of continuing in a relationship where there is no solid show of commitment to you?

What are his ideas and feelings about marriage?

According to him, as of two months ago, he is just not ready to get married.

That is a 34 year old man, with a house, a stable job, a family that supports us, friends that would like to see us married and two children that think of him as a father figure.

My son this summer at his sister's wedding caught the garter belt and handed it to my partner and told him now he did not have any excuses for not marrying his mother. :(

Therefore, if he is unwilling to give you a lifetime commitment, how can you continue to hope that this man will come to his senses in time for you to take on the arduous task of continuing in a relationship where there is no solid show of commitment to you?

I agree 100%, I have wasted six years devoted to someone who hasn't given me the respect in return.

While I own my mistake, I am not doing anything other than assuring that when I talk to men it's respectable of our relationship. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been hurt with him talking to another female the way I had talked to another man. Outside of that, it's the only consideration, as I haven't ever been anything except devoted to him.

I know things are civil and calm, but I don't know what our future holds. Right now would disrupt the children's lives to move and because of my custody battle, I am not financially on my feet. Next spring will bring a true evaluation of our future.

But I have given all I am capable of.

I understand you and I truly wish the best for you are yours. I think you're a rad chick! LOL! I know this cause I am too :)

The love and devotion of a woman is a gift that is limitless and indefinite of our physical body. Only when the comfort of our warmth is lost does one come to realize that they did not appreciate the gift and have left the ultimate and grandest prize of all slip through their fingers.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your son. I can relate to that too. It must have hurt you deeply to see that your son understands and sees right through you and your pain more than you expected him to. I remember once upon a time when my children were younger my son wrote a letter to Santa and in that letter he asked Santa to send me someone that I can love (I get all misty when I think of that). I've been a single mom my entire adult life, I've been to the circus and I've seen the clowns (ha! Jerry mcguire) and one thing I have come to realize is that people will only go so far as you allow them to.

In other words, women train men on how they are to be treated. It starts from the moment we begin friendships, if we allow others to give us scraps then that is all we are entitled to because we ultimately have demonstrated to them that that is all we are worth and all we demand.

We have reduced our own self worth in exchange for a few crumbs of hallucinated temporary happiness and inclusion in the heart of someone else. Everything that he has stable job, home, etc. you can get on your own (in due time). Don't short change yourself. The family that supports you is the family you are raising, it is through their young eyes that they will learn what the love of a woman is worth. I know this because I am raising men, I am the anchor of our family that demonstrates to them the value, tenderness and devotion a woman deserves.

When it comes time to re-evaluate don't short change yourself, you are demonstrating to them how OK it is to accept emotional scraps.

Have you ever read "Think like a lady, Act like a man" (Steve Harvey)? If not, pick up a copy ($13) and read it. You'll understand why...

Thank you for your words. I will look into the book this weekend. I hope to see you around the site more often.

It's been an eye opener for me and your advice is solid and confidence boosting.

Please visit often.

Thank you for your words. I will look into the book this weekend. I hope to see you around the site more often.

It's been an eye opener for me and your advice is solid and confidence boosting.

Please visit often.


I will surely do so.

Take care,

12th House

In reading these strings of posts from women that want men to marry them, I just have one piece of advice... just be happy with your partner!

Justwant,sometimes the various shades and dimensions of a relationship really don't fail to surprise me.I mean here we are,different people of different genders,cultures,countries and walks of life,with a million relationship problems.If you have love and no marriage,then there's someone with a loveless marriage or an abusive one which he'she can't wait to end.

Anyway,maybe,what you need to do is get some perspective on this issue.As they say,when in doubt,ask.Ask yourself a lot of these questions about what is more important to you,being in a stable,healthy relationships with someone you love or its marriage and nothing else for you,do you see yourself carrying on like this endlessly or do you think you will begin to lose your sanity,how long can you continue hoping and feeling disappointed in love,wouldn't what you feel now,deepen and maybe affect your relationship in the near future... etc etc.You will notice,all the questions I have mentioned as example,are all YOU-centric,about WHAT YOU WANT.Its got nothing to do with what he feels about what you want.Once you really really know what you want,you can have a very amicable,calm conversation with him about that and see if he can give it to you or not.

If the answer is no,then again,you need to ask him what he can give you.Again,once he answers that,you decide if that's OK with you or not.Its like you both are working on this issue between you together,rather than you alone trying to grope and figure what's on his mind.You are great with your advice Justwant and I always read your suggestions,so am sure you must have done these things before.But if you still feel like you are in the dark,then that's really unfair on your partner's part.I think he needs to realise that you have a life to lead and that you would be overjoyed if you led it WITH him,but if situation demands it just could be WITHOUT him as well,since YOUR life definitely has to go on.

UPDATE: I sat here and reread the last post. Honestly, I think I could never get what I want from my current partner. I love what we have but the things that I want are emotionally more significant than what he is capable of. I love affection, I love talking about emotional things, I love playfulness, I love when I am having a bad day having someone who will just hold me, I love kissing, I love holding hands. These are all things that I feel I don't have right now. No relationship is perfect and I know that I am not without error, but I am not even sure I am with a partner that understands that relationships require constant work. I do everything in my power to see to his happiness, but I feel Tal's rule hitting home. He is my priority and I am his option.

Last night he told me that he hadn't changed his mind about wanting me to move out eventually. He found that since I was still active on this site and that I wouldn't remove the online friendship, that I have continued to disrespect him. Yet, there wasn't any consideration to what I want/need that keeps me active on this site. I know that while I had blame in the sequence that started this, his mistrust and almost need to control me broke what little hope I had left.

He is looking for something to be angry at, he is looking for something to hate in me. That isn't love, I don't know how it ever could have been. I owned up to my own mistake in the first place and although I know my intent was innocent, I stepped into his shoes and saw his perspective and realised that what I had done was hurtful to him. Yet what I get in return is a whole lot of what are you going to do for me now, you owe me.

I know that when I walk away, he will look back with regret about this choice. I know that I can't turn around once I cut that cord - so it makes it a very scary line for me to cross after six years. I have been back and forth on this situation for so long, I have hit the dysfunctional relationship level that I warn people about.

Today I am scared of the future.

I am sorry it seems to have come to this.
And of course its scary. If he feels you owe him something it smacks of emotional blackmail. But when we feel our emotional selves are not getting our needs met it s time to walk away-thats what I ve done myself even though its heartbreaking.
You give such good advice here and I'm sure you know all the ropes so to speak but its still so sad.
Cyberhugs.

When we hit that brick wall, its time to make a decision, and have a realistic plan of action ready.

Sorry, but that's never easy.

When we hit that brick wall, its time to make a decision, and have a realistic plan of action ready.

Sorry, but thats never easy.

Can't I just keep pacing on this side of the brick wall, it's gotten me this far. :eek:

Sorry, but sometimes a plan to climb over the wall, to at least see what's on the other side, is what you need to do. Scared of heights, are you??

Sorry, but sometimes a plan to climb over the wall, to at least see whats on the other side, is what you need to do. Scared of heights, are ya???

Deathly afraid of heights, in fact, I can't ride roller coasters, can't walk the streets of downtown Chicago, can't fly... causes panic attacks.

I think you maybe on to something here.

Justy, I'm going to use your own signature against you.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt myself putting it back together"

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

Justy, I'm going to use your own signature against you.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt myself putting it back together"

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

Grrrr... Like I don't know why they are there. LOL. :p

Grrrr... Like I don't know why they are there. LOL. :p

I know you know, just pointing out what you know, in case your forgot. :)

Have you had any recent dicussion on the marriage issue?Has his mind changed or is he at least thinking differently on that front?

After all,since that's the core issue and if there's still no change on that aspect,then comes the talk of climbing walls.When you feel ready to take that on.

Justy, I have read so many of your posts knowing that this time would come for you. What I never would have guessed is that I would be following right behind you. Good luck, be strong.

First, I should apologize for my absenteeism. When it was first brought to my attention that this website was a source of angst for my partner because of the previous situation, I did what I thought was appropriate for the relationship and let my time helping on AMHD take a backseat to repairing the relationship.

As many would have guessed, there was more to repair than the obvious complaint and after all attempts that I could muster I have resigned to the fact that I can't keep fighting the inevitable, no matter how much I would like to.

AMHD provides something to myself worth and myself esteem that I appear to be lacking at home and although my title feels inappropriate and giving advice on relationships is the furthest from my current agenda I hope to make my appearances more frequent again soon.

I am struggling right now with my own relationship demons and with the holidays just around the corner, it's a full plate. Thank you to all AMHD for all of the support and care you take in keeping this site the wonderful support system that it is.

You've been missed! And I'm sorry for your tough times.
If I had a magic wand.. .
Take good care of yourself.

First, I should apologize for my absenteeism. When it was first brought to my attention that this website was a source of angst for my partner because of the previous situation, I did what I thought was appropriate for the relationship and let my time helping on AMHD take a backseat to repairing the relationship.

As many would have guessed, there was more to repair than the obvious complaint and after all attempts that I could muster I have resigned to the fact that I can't keep fighting the inevitable, no matter how much I would like to.

AMHD provides something to my self worth and my self esteem that I appear to be lacking at home and although my title feels inappropriate and giving advice on relationships is the furthest from my current agenda I hope to make my appearances more frequent again soon.

I am struggling right now with my own relationship demons and with the holidays just around the corner, it's a full plate. Thank you to all AMHD for all of the support and care you take in keeping this site the wonderful support system that it is.

We're here to help you and take some load off your back. You could lay your problems here.

OH Justy I wish it would be better for you.
Have things changed at all? Even a tiny bit?
If you need to get it out you know where to go.

In less that 24 hours the relationship as I have known it will have run it's course. Today was day 1 of the move out and tomorrow I will finish the job. He amazed me by returning home and spending the evening together. The house looks barren with all of the personal items down that made this a home.

I have struggled through the day and know that this next week will be the hardest, while I still believe that he will have a bigger revelation once I am gone, I know that it's still just wishful thinking on my part.

I have been a devoted partner and put forth more than enough effort to reconcile the relationship, while I know the problems aren't mine to face, I feel like an udder disappointment. My head is in the right place but my broken heart waivers.

I know NC is on the horizon and while my family's support is welcome, the idle threats of disownment from the family if contact continues just fuels a fire in me.

I have put my heart and soul into one place and I know unconditional love. Unfortunately I granted that love to someone undeserving and found that if you don't love yourself first, you can't love another more.

I have put my heart and soul into one place and I know unconditional love. Unfortunately I granted that love to someone undeserving and found that if you don't love yourself first, you can't love another more.

Every time you waiver. Every time you want to call. Every time you doubt what you're doing, read the words I quoted above. Your words! That's the truth, plain and simple. You know it. Your heart knows it.

It won't be easy. You've been with this man for a long time. You raised kids together. You lived together. You loved together. The sad fact is, you gave more then you got and that's not a relationship.

You deserve someone that will give you the moon and the stars, who will love you with all his heart, who will talk to you, love you, hold you, plan a life with you. And he deserves the same thing from you.

You just haven't found your match. He's out there though.

Get through this. Learn to love the most important person in your life. Haven't met her? Look in the mirror dear. :)

When we've done all we could and tried our best to work things through and it still isn't happening,we have to walk away heartbreaking though it is.
You deserve so much more than what this was.
Thinking about you.
Hugs.

Well I am all moved out. It was an emotionally draining day. Things went exceptionally smoothly considering he was a moving helper.

Just trying to be strong, NC time five minutes.

>cyber hug< ^_^

Your own post is all that needs to be read. You have come to terms with it and you tried and you know its time. As hard as it is one of you had to make the move and you took the step to do it. Its hard. You will heal in time. For now just look to the future and what new doors this will open for you. It will. You have closed a chapter in your life and now your starting a new one.

Its hard to help someone on this site you is so good themselves at helping others. Your very smart and I have always seen that in your posts. You will pull through this and be so happy again.

Big hugs...

My parents made cinnamon rolls this morning for breakfast. I know they are trying, I feel like I am drowning in my own depression. My head knows all the right things but I can't get my heart in line yet. I am struggling with NC and someone may need to take away my phone, I am excited for the distraction my children will bring tonight. Today is about unpacking.

Well just keep your thinking straight and lets hope your heart will follow. Does your heart want to stay there and continue on? Don't do that to yourself. Let this be his loss not yours. Let him see his mistakes. You move on and find what it is that will make you happy.

I know your reading these and its all just words right now. But it will get better.

Try not to drown in the depression-start swimming if you can. Your heart will listen to your head sooner than you may think or feel right now.
It's good to know you have family around you.
(ps hide that phone!)

Knowing what you have been through, and seeing you overcome your challenges, I have faith that in time you will overcome this one too, and bounce back even stronger.

Some people you just can't keep down for long, and you have already proven that your one of those.

I haven't posted here since you knew what to do. You did it.

Hooray Justy!

You should know by now that all you need to do is ask and we'll all come running.

Hey Justwantfair... just wanted to say that you are powerful. You are going to be more than fine. Luckily you are still young. People go through divorces at 40 and even 50... This just gives you that much more time to find your happiness! Its good you know what you want and what's not good for you. I have faith in you. We all know how brilliant you are. I'm here for you just like everyone else. I know how down feelings can bring you. Sending lots of love towards you and your children!
-Emopunk7

Justy, I know it's hard. We all do. We've all been down that road. It hurts so bad. It feels like someone ripped out your heart and soul. Some pain you never forget.

The thing is, you deserve better. You've known for a while that this was going to end. Your head knew, your heart just needed to catch up.

I know the strength you have inside you, I've seen it, we all have. One day at a time kiddo, one foot in front of the other. You know what you have to do, you know the path you have to follow. You also know that that path has hills, ruts, bumps and obstacles, but there is an end, you just have to get to it. Luckily you have us to help you, to guide you, to support you. So use that support, no shame in leaning on someone when you need to. :)

Every day you'll feel a bit stronger, a bit better. So go eat a cinnamon bun, enjoy it, you deserve it. :)

Today all of these words have made me stronger. I know this morning was difficult as I am waking in a place that isn't where I have been for the last almost six years.

The day has gotten better and I am doing better at handling the sadness. I know that it is clear to others that I am mourning the death of a dream, as my hopes had taken over from my reality. I still feel so much love for him, even in his own unperfectness. What I need to do now is re-love myself more. I feel when you give and give, you start to give yourself away too. I know and love who I am, but I gave and gave until the only person who mattered was not me anymore.

I will remember to love myself and my children first. Then I will be that much closer to recovery.

My parents want me registered on eHarmony, they apparently have not visited this site! ;)

Justy, when a relationship ends it's like a death. There's a mourning period, there's heartache. There will be moments when you let yourself be alive, then there will be moments were you just want to huddle in a corner, cry and suck your thumb.

At times you'll wonder if you did the right thing, you'll be tempted to call him, see if you can reconcile. Every time you put the phone down and walk away is a victory, is a step towards being stronger, living without him.

You know I love quotes. Well, I'm looking at your sig right now. You have all the tools, you just have to use them.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt myself putting it back together"

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

"I don't miss him/her. I miss who I thought he/she was."

Need I say more?

My shoulder is here when you need it. My hand is here when you need a slap. My foot is here when you need a kick in the arse. Most of all, I'm here, so is everyone else. You know what this site is all about. You know that you have the best support system in the world available to you 24/7 with just the click of a mouse.

Vent, cry, scream, whatever. We're here for it all. One step at a time chicky. One step at a time. :)

24/7

Think about this one second. There is someone who cares about you on here every single second of the day. Stringer's in your time zone, I think Tal's on the west coast, M and Shazzy are down under, Bear and Ben and Red are across the pond, NM and I are an hour ahead of you. We're here for you ALL THE TIME.

Edit: Not to slight the rest of you, I was just picking examples off the top of my head.

Alty, am I going to have to change my signature just so you will stop using it against me? (that was said with much love and admiration, btw) Cats, it's amazing to me that you can spout all our time zones off, lol.

I am mourning and I am trying to be healthy about it. Tal's 'emotional dust' is spinning all around my head, but this storm too will pass.

One of my ex's so nicely pointed out that my breakup is not convenient for him, while the other is already calling like the break up will be his chance to step in.

Oh, the soap operas I could write... You would think me, with such a bright head on my shoulders, that I could be a bit smarter in love, well there is always next time. ;)

There always is a next time though-and that's when we'll get it right-right? Life's a soapopera sometimes,but once we're in charge of the remote we can switch off the ones we don't want to watch.

Alty, am I going to have to change my signature just so you will stop using it against me?

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

You chose wise words, I'm just using them against you. ;)

This is my way of pointing out that you already know what you need to know in order to move on. It's all there. You just have to use it. :)

Reach and reach far. The beautiful views at the beach. The unfamiliarities of life and new feelings both good and bad. The smiles on our children. The way jeans fit one week and the next they don't. How cool is it that with a flick of a switch we have light. Beating hearts sometimes slow and sometimes fast. Manicures and pedicures. Massages and tranquility. A good night rest knowing tomorrow is a new day. Music and happiness, hot cocoa and peace. This one's for Justwantfair, a few words of ease!

Cinnamon buns for Justy (sunny raises hand)
To a new happy life..

Dear God, it's me, please help me stop crying tonight. I fear I am scaring my daughter who doesn't understand and is listening to me sob instead of sleep. Thank you.

Well I guess I have 30 minutes before I go to sleep so I could give it a shot.

Let's think this rationally, you both don't want the same thing, so you decided to end this now, before it got worst. Secondly, there IS light in the end of the tunnel. We've all been through this, and the pain is immense, it's overwhelming. But if you actually believe that the future will be much better then it will be.

You are a beautiful women that any man would be lucky to have. Don't worry about the future or your heart and clean your tears.

A new day,and I wish you a good one-remember to keep swimming. Hugs.

Last night was very bad, I did make it to this morning. Breaking NC has such drastic effects and I do know better.

What still cuts me to the core is four months later this man still would rather believe I was unfaithful than to see the truth of the situation. We had been so close and he threw back up a wall that had taken years to get down.

Today is a new day, I restart the process.

For whatever reasons he did that-that's his issues-not yours. You did your best and gave it your all.

And it finally reaches that point where we have to start giving to ourselves again.

Of course it hurts,but we have to be who we are and love ourselves.

He is the loser and you'll get through this.

To a new day Justy.
You can do it. Head up, shoulders up, smile and be pretty like you are. Thoughts of a happy future.

So in the slowest work day in history, I am anxious to get the heck out of here. The idleness of being here is making me stir crazy.

Babysteps-best foot forward. Make plans-something to look forward to when you get home-hugging the kids? Cooking a nice meal?
All these things that make our lives good and safe.

What I look forward to tonight... a decent night's sleep, no contact and no tears tucking me into bed. :) I dream big.

Hey justwantfair... Is it 3 o clock there? And why did he think that you were unfaithful? I thought it was about him not wanting to marry. If you'd rather not talk about it, I understand. I wanted to talk about it the first month at least to be done with the analyzing. I'm not just advice, I can be someone to talk to.

If I don't talk to you before tomorrow-815 pm here -I wish you a just that-a good night's sleep and a better tomorrow.

Thinking of you Justy. Be strong.

Hey justwantfair...Is it 3 o clock there? And why did he think that you were unfaithful? I thought it was about him not wanting to marry. If you'd rather not talk about it, I understand. I wanted to talk about it the first month atleast to be done with the analyzing. I'm not just advice, I can be someone to talk to.

If you read back just a few pages I think you will find the beginning of the end. While there were frustrations with the commitment issues, I think I was being patient, along time ago I had made a choice that although I found his marriage issues frustrating, he WAS 100% committed to our relationship and that was in fact a commitment.

The beginning of the end, involved some online flirting in which he perceived me being disrespectful and unfaithful and essentially using that as a catalyst to end the relationship, guilt free. He focused the demise on my responsibility and participation in such flirtation. Therefore, his hands are clean and I have no one to blame for the demise except myself. ::cough:: ::cough::

To me, he has spent the last four months careening this situation into the biggest catastrophe. I was wrong, I never did not admit that, but somehow it became easier for him to believe that underneath the person he has always known, who was faithful, honest and devoted... lurked this villain, connieving, devious and scheming just waiting for him to let his guard down and then WHAMO he would be left broken hearted. It's not a real rational thought process, so either he is scared out of his mind or it was an excuse, leaving him guiltfree.

Last night was better. I still feel drained but I made it to bed without the overwhelming flood of emotions.

Today is another day, I am swimming now, I hope. :)

Good- I know you can do it. And stop and float when you need to-you won't sink.
<cyberhugs>

so either he is scared out of his mind or it was an excuse, leaving him guilt free.
Or both. When the emotional dust settles, you will probably see a lot of things that you put up with, that maybe you should not have.

Or both. When the emotional dust settles, you will probably see a lot of things that you put up with, that maybe you should not have.

Ahhh, no points for being tolerant, patient, or for how much I resemble a doormat?

For the tolerance and patience-yes. You're no longer a member of the doormat club,so points for that!

Happy thoughts. Your doing so well. Keep going forward. If you think your going to fall back we are here. I am here and you know you can find me on Facebook also. One day at a time is one day closer to being over him and the misery.

Its no shame to be incompatible. That doesn't make either of you villains, but like any relationship that breaks down, its seldom right, or wrong, when people cannot work together to build a life.

You get many points for trying your best, doing what you thought was needed, and it didn't work. Is that a bad thing, not at all, even though it hurts now.

But we both know you have taken a valuable experience away from this, all in getting you ready for the next best option, and opportunities, That life will present to you.

If you didn't break up, to go through the pain, and experience, you couldn't appreciate things when they got better.

Where do you think my gratitude from my exes dumping me, come from??

I am doing better settling in phase 1 - Acceptance. I still feel him up on his pedestal, but I will take him down in time. My effort in fatality of trying to understand is ending. I am bigger than this. I have had my days of self-pity and they may come again, but I feel stronger. I definitely feel some pity, I know I am emotionally more strong than he will ever be. Although I envy his ability to walk away without any outward emotions or sleepless nights. I am better than that because my heart is fully functional.

May I suggest some retail therapy? I think you do something good for yourself. Why not? You have given others all you can, but don't forget about you, now.

Do I have to insist, or will you do this on your own?

Actually with the separation of property, there are plenty of purchases to be made. :) Since I have always had ample clothes, although I could use new shoes, I have never been the shopping type.

But I DO LOVE shopping for kitchen and cooking things and just last weekend purchased a gorgeous new pots and pans set and a pressure cooker. :D

I will be doing a lot of shopping between now and when I am officially back on my own. I am excited and it has been a motivating thought this morning.

Oh Gosh, I should have known you already had that covered. Be careful though as my wife gets very depressed after she has shopped till she drops, and has to wait for more money to do it again. Where do you hide the chocolate? That's what she uses to get through until the next sale.

Well considering (Thank goodness!) I am not a chocolate fan, except certain twelve round times a year, I am safe.

I am already at the waiting for more money, damn... I knew I should pace myself. :)

So my dilemma now is, every other weekend, the weekends I do not have the kids, I deal poker. It's always been extra cash income and I would love to continue to deal, but he plays and he is at almost every event. We have mutual friends there and I would be able to entertain myself away from him and I would be working, but I am wondering now if I have to give it up? Things have been civil, but I know that even though I am making progress two weeks may be too soon to face him, and it would be horrible to fall into old habits there.

Suggestions? It's about $300/m for working two days. Asking him not to attend may be an option and he may avoid going there as he knows I work.

When do you have to decide about the poker? Maybe wait a couple of days and see how you feel? It's a job,him maybe attending the events shouldn't have to stop you from doing something you enjoy.. . (I love playing poker,btw-great game.)
And I'm with on the chocs!

The next game I will be dealing is either the Friday or Saturday of next week. So I have a little time.

Me,I'd go for it and not let anyone come between me and my job/entertainment.

I may try, I love the extra income, if I find it difficult to be there, than rethink my strategy.

What is not to love about poker anyway? ;) Sorry I am a gambler at heart.

Yes me too!:-) sadly poker events are few and far between in my little town.
Take care Justy!