My question has been asked but not with the same complications. My 19 year old son (20 in Nov) currently lives with us, he will not pay any rent, will not do anything to help (cut grass, pay a bill... ) He seems to not even care if we lose everything as my job was eliminated. Eviction comes to mind... But here are the complications...

1. his car is financed and I am primary on the loan (he is co-signer) this was done for insurance reasons, I tried to help him out and to be on our policy the car had to be in my name. The finance company will not refinance car in his name only now.

2. Insurance is required snce the car is under a loan.

3. I don't know that he will continue to make his own car payment or insurance payments if he is evicted, my bet is he would rather pay his cell phone than a car that impacts my credit and insurance.

4. Since I lost my job I can not afford to just take the car back and make the payments myself.

He has already blown the engine and "borrowed the money" to get this fixed from us, I made sure he knows it's a loan but he has no intention of ever paying that (even that would help in our current financial state.

Any advise is appreciated, I think his plan is wait until we lose everything then bail on his car and insurance and us as well.

Oh yeah the only reason he even has a car payment is that he completely tore up a mustang I paid cash for and gave him as a gift when he was 16. I even paid his insurance until he hit 18 and even at that point until I lost my job. He is so ungreatful it makes a person sick.

Thanks:mad:

Sell the car. You are the primary. If you feel you must provide transportation then get him a bike.keep all profits from the sale to help yourself through this time.make a plan for yourself and go for it. Tell your son to do the same.

sell the car. you are the primary. if you feel you must provide transportation then get him a bike.keep all profits from the sale for yourself.make a plan for yourself and go for it.tell your son to do the same.

Sounds good with the exception that the car would more than likely sell at a loss and more would still be owed on the car, he ran the h@## out of it already. (High interest rate loan too)

I oh soooo would like to do that. And feet are made for walking.

The car is in your name YOU CAN do whatever you want with it. Start by taking away the keys.
Go with evicting him because him staying there isn't helping you any which way.

Sell the car and sue for the difference. That's what I would do.

Evict him, he's an adult sponging off his parents, it's time for tough love.

You reap what you sow, sorry, but you bought him a car at 16, he completely "tore it up" and then you put yourself as primary on a new car. You can't teach a lesson if you aren't willing to learn one yourself.

He's your son, you love him, and that's the way it should be, but he's almost 20, it's time to cut the apron strings, he has to learn to stand on his own two feet and quite stepping on yours.

Good luck.

Altenweg, you would really sue your kid? Just because your kid turns 18, doesn't mean you are not a parent anymore. Maybe I was raised diffrently, but I had a job at 15, and have ever since. Try to work something out, tell him to get a job, contribute towards the bills or get out.

Yeah you are still a parent and he needs to learn responsibility.
Some times that means tough love to get him to face the real world.
Why let him walk all over her so he can have a free ride and leave her suffer
He is enjoying his codependency because she is enabling him so YES
She might have to get drastic and sue him... not that she would even see the money
But the principal may be worth it to wake him up.

Hvacservicetech, if my kid took everything for granted, didn't care about the money he's costing me, wrecks his car and sits on his a$$ all day, you bet I'd sue him. This could be the best lesson he's ever learned. Nothing in life is free, nothing.

He's 20, you are right that parenting doesn't stop at 18, but there comes a time that you have to hope that you did your best and push that kid out of the nest, especially if he's destroying it.

Of course getting him to see reason, pay rent, contribute would be the better route, but it sounds like the OP has already tried that, and junior doesn't care. He wants a free ride in a fancy car. It's time he was forced to take the bus.

I guess you are right. Why wait until he is 20 to make him responsible?

I know parents that didn't 'make their kids responsible until they were 36
Better now than then.

I guess you are right. Why wait until he is 20 to make him responsible?


That's just it, at 20 it's already to late. Teaching responsibility is a life long process, it begins when the child is young. Teaching them to respect the home they live in, respect the things they get, respect the people around them. Somehow that was missed with this young man, it's time for a crash course.

I agree 100%, that's where I'm going with this, this mother obviously lacked a little in the parenting department, and now He is 20, and she doesn't know what to do.

Well, I can somewhat relate... I'm 22...

... what would my parents do if I sat around at home...

... I feel like "suing" would be too "American" for my parents. (we're Asian)

... my parents would most likely bury me alive, then tell the neighbors I moved.

I have learned you can't always blame the parents any more.
She may have been an enabler, but society seems to be conditioning kids that everything is owed them for nothing nowadays.

well, I can somewhat relate...I'm 22...

...what would my parents do if I sat around at home....

...I feel like "suing" would be too "American" for my parents. (we're Asian)

...my parents would most likely bury me alive, then tell the neighbors I moved.

That''s funny Sneezy, wouldn't you rather be sued? ;)

You were taught to support yourself sneezy, you were taught to stand on your own two feet, that's what the OP's son needs to learn, and quick.

Your parents should be very proud, they raised a great son. Oh, by the way, this proves you're following me around. :)

I have learned you can't always blame the parents any more.
She may have been an enabler, but society seems to be conditioning kids that everything is owed them for nothing nowadays.


That's true, but from what I read, and the way I read it, she's afraid to put her foot down. She's the parent, she needs to nip this in the bud now. Junior needs a good swift kick in the arse, and her and hubby are the only people who can do it.

If all goes well, he'll thank her one day.

Exactly I was just saying it may not be her parent skills were lacking when he was growing up.

Crash course is the only course now

Exactly I was just saying it may not be her parent skills were lacking when he was growing up.

Crash course is the only course now

I agree, she sounds like a kind caring parent, and you can tell that she loves her son very much. The fact that she asked for advice speaks volumes, and I hope she realizes that I'm just saying it like I see it, not trying to be mean. I guess I'm using tough love. ;)

Well, I just thought I'd add my 2 cents, I'm going back to Heating and air, this thread is too much like watching Dr. Phil for me. :(

Well, I just thought I'd add my 2 cents, I'm going back to Heating and air, this thread is too much like watching Dr. Phil for me. :(


Your 2 cents is always appreciated, sorry if I sounded mean, that wasn't my intention. As for the Dr.Phil comment, I'm going to take that as a compliment. ;):)

First this is YOUR car not his car, so who says he takes the car if he is evicted? And to be honest this problem did not just happen, at 14 was he forced to do chores, at 17 was he forced to do chores, my guess is no, so at 19 if he is not paying rent or helping around the house, he would not be eating the food I cooked either, it would be do this if you want supper And since it is your car ( loan is in your name) the car could be sitting in the drive way if he was not helping.

I would give him a notice he either does this and that, and if he does not, he will be evicted, give him about 20 or 30 days and then do it if he does not. IF not he will be sitting there doing nothing with his life at 30. Or even worst be moving in his pregnant girl friend expecting her to live there also. *** read about 1000 posts we get here to know it happens like that every day.

Your 2 cents is always appreciated, sorry if I sounded mean, that wasn't my intention. As for the Dr.Phil comment, I'm going to take that as a compliment. ;):)


I didn't think you were being mean at all, Ill just stick to what I know, and sure it was a compliment

Altenweg, you would really sue your kid? Just because your kid turns 18, doesn't mean you are not a parent anymore. Maybe I was raised diffrently, but I had a job at 15, and have ever since. Try to work something out, tell him to get a job, contribute towards the bills or get out.

As far as a job, he does have one. Then also does part time painting for his cousin, the thing is All he cares about is his self! He makes enough to pay his car payment, insurance (which he does while living here at least) but he refuses to do anything around the house or pay rent of any kind. He said he needs his money, I know for a fact he can pay at least a little toward food (he does eat everything we buy) or rent but when we ask for help with anything the answer is always I need my money! So we say then cut the grass his answer is always "you guys know how to do it"

When he graduated we even bought a laptop for him so he could go to college, has only been talk now for over a year with that one. He also wants me to help with the out of pocket expenses now for that too... Kiss my what!! Maybe if he acted differently.

He runs the electric bill through the roof (never turning anything off). Comes and goes without a hello or goodbye. Stays out all hours of the night (Friends always come before family)

If you want to hear another thing on Fathers day he did not even say Happy Fathers day much less give a card or anything (My wife and daughter reminded him the day before and on Fathers day)

By the way my 17 year old daughter works part time at McDonalds and just randomly will say " Do you guys need help with anything!!" or she'll grab a bill and say "I have this one" She makes way less than him (even after his payments for car and insurance) And she remembered me and actually picked up something on Fathers day. So I guess I didn't screw up raising both of them ;)

What gets me is HE actually got more "given" to him and SHE is the one that wants to help out. I know who's rent/food or whatever I'll be helping with whenever SHE get's older and is on her own. What goes around comes around. And I will help her whenever she needs it when she is on her own. She's no angel herself but I'll tell you at least she is very good hearted!!

Sorry to go on so long.

Oh, if any child of mine told me "You know how to do it" he would have had his clothes thrown out the door that same day.

But in the end you will either have to put up with it or do something about it, the real choice is yours

I never intended to imply that you're a bad parent, you are a good dad (sorry I called you a mom earlier, just thought you were a she, not a he.;))

The fact remains, he is selfish, and rude, and he needs to realize that what he's doing isn't acceptable. Time to kick him to the curb, let him fend for himself. The really world is hard, there are bills to pay, lawns to cut, and he needs to realize that. He's sitting on his arse while you work your butt off to keep him happy, that has to stop, NOW!

The choice is yours, do you keep paying this ungrateful child to live in your home, or do you take the hard road, make him live for himself and stop burdening you. It's really an easy answer, isn't it?

Exactly I was just saying it may not be her parent skills were lacking when he was growing up.

Crash course is the only course now

Wife here too and one turned out fine, I think he just got too spoiled and was very manipulate his mom while I was working waaay too many hours. He is now out of control.

I should have figured this out and just beat his A$$ years ago/.

I do however like the idea of "Bury Alive" ;)

We will not sue (not our style) but the hard road would teach him. We were on our own at 17 and still together at 40. I remember doing everything we could just to eat and keep a roof over my head. Kids seem to have it way to easy nowadays and well maybe we where enablers but as I said earlier, our daughter is caring and helps out without even being asked.

A good way to get him out of Party Mode is to let his friends throw him out a few times too until he finally realizes there is no such thing as a free ride.

You are all right we don't know exactly what to do but mainly because we can't afford to take the car payment on right now, will probably just let them reposses the damn thing or Do you all think it would be better to just help my daughter make the payments and give it to her, as I said she is the complete opposite--- What do you think, she also has better grades so the insurance would be much cheaper.

Exactly I was just saying it may not be her parent skills were lacking when he was growing up.

Crash course is the only course now

Wife here too and one turned out fine, I think he just got too spoiled and was very manipulate his mom while I was working waaay too many hours. He is now out of control.

I should have figured this out and just beat his A$$ years ago/.

I do however like the idea of "Bury Alive" ;)

We will not sue (not our style) but the hard road would teach him. We were on our own at 17 and still together at 40. I remember doing everything we could just to eat and keep a roof over my head. Kids seem to have it way to easy nowadays and well maybe we where enablers but as I said earlier, our daughter is caring and helps out without even being asked.

By the way we also coached all of his and her youth soccer teams and tried to do the right thing. But with children services these days a parent has more trouble being a parent. We both respected our parents.
A good way to get him out of Party Mode is to let his friends throw him out a few times too until he finally realizes there is no such thing as a free ride.

You are all right we don't know exactly what to do but mainly because we can't afford to take the car payment on right now, will probably just let them reposses the damn thing or Do you all think it would be better to just help my daughter make the payments and give it to her, as I said she is the complete opposite--- What do you think, she also has better grades so the insurance would be much cheaper.

I think giving it to your daughter would be a great idea, except I feel that your son may turn on your daughter for this (I have no idea how the sibling chemistry is... just stating something that may happen).

Plus, better grades, female, probably no record of getting in accidents/tickets... much cheaper.

First this is YOUR car not his car, so who says he takes the car if he is evicted ?? And to be honest this problem did not just happen, at 14 was he forced to do chores, at 17 was he forced to do chores, my guess is no, so at 19 if he is not paying rent or helping around the house, he would not be eating the food I cooked either, it would be do this if you want supper And since it is your car ( loan is in your name) the car could be sitting in the drive way if he was not helping.

I would give him a notice he either does this and that, and if he does not, he will be evicted, give him about 20 or 30 days and then do it if he does not. IF not he will be sitting there doing nothing with his life at 30. or even worst be moving in his pregnant girl friend expecting her to live there also. *** read about 1000 posts we get here to know it happens like that every day.

Sorry to say yes he was forced at 14 and 17 to do chores but decided he did not have to listen anymore once he turned 18. That's why we are confused. Thinks he's an adult and we can't make him do anything he does not want to do. It's time for the foot up the butt and the roof over his head removed. I have been assured that no other relative will take him in so he will learn how life really is.

He's right. He is an adult.

... and as an adult... he should learn to live on his own.

I got to ask, though, was his living arrangements not agreed upon previous to him turning 18?

... I think my parents sat me down and actually laid out what was in store for me... when I was 16.

1. Financially cut off.
2. Get a job, find a place to live.
3. Go to college... or not, your choice. If college, get a scholarship or pay your own way. If no college, better make 6 figures.

I gotta ask, though, was his living arrangements not agreed upon previous to him turning 18?

...I think my parents sat me down and actually laid out what was in store for me...when I was 16.

1. Financially cut off.
2. Get a job, find a place to live.
3. Go to college...or not, your choice. If college, get a scholarship or pay your own way. If no college, better make 6 figures.

Have to admit not that way. But then that did not have to happen with us, our daughter is livid by the way he acts and won't help, she sees how bad it is and actually tries to be the opposite. She has already been putting in apps for schools and better jobs too.

I feel that your son will turn it around... just needs a nudge.

... or a shove.

I think a kick instead of a nudge or shove. He's 20, time to man-up. He has to take responsibility for his own life. He's not willing to pay rent, well his name isn't on the deed to the house, he's not willing to help out, well he's an adult, you don't have to provide a roof over his head. It's time he learned to live on his own. Life is hard, but it's something you need to learn firsthand sometimes.

Kick his lazy butt out, he'll either sink or swim, either way he'll learn something, and that will make him a better man.

Good luck.

If she kicks the kid out on his bum who's to say that he will not turn to substance abuse because he can't hang to survive the real world? Not saying that he will NOR would it be her fault if she did, but lets just examine the issue here.

The kid is probably not used to being responsible. (obviously if he isn't helping the fam)

He probably is not taking this whole thing seriously.

He is used to being pampered.

Just like it's not easy for a millionaire to survive a welfare lifestyle it will not be easy for this kid to adjust.Of course he has to because that's life.


Have a sit down chat with him and let him know that there are going to be some changes.



If he wants to continue to live at your house then he needs to:

A: Do some chores around the house and help out.Dishes/mowing etc. and you need to Charge a "living fee" of 50 bucks or so each month since it seems as if the fam is a little hard up for cash.

If that doesn't seem "fair" to him then he needs to be forced to get over himself.He can move in with a bud and you can take the care away from him.


Be strict.Don't be a pushover and let him know you mean business.Also, don't buy food that he just gobbles down.Purchase healthy food (of course that the whole family will enjoy) extras are not needed if they will be wasted on him.

I know all too well what this situation is like only with a (criminal) twist so count yourself lucky! Lol


Good luck

I bet she did the whole sit down and lay out the rules and he didn't take her serious and she is already at the third time about.