I am involved in a relationship that is really messed up. I do not want to end it because I love this person with all my heart. We lived together for over 5 yrs. Three yrs, 10 months ago he went back to his country to visit his family, but he had problems with his visa and it ended up taking 10 months for him to come back. We were still living together obviously when he returned. Once he returned, I noticed that his "body" was here, but in every other way he wasn't here (mentally, emotionally,etc). He finally admitted, after me questioning him 1000 times what was going on... that he had been involved with another person while he was away (he cheated and she got pregnant!). I had a very hard time handling it and we separated. We are still separated but we still see each other. We both love each other very much and we want things to work out. He has been a responsible person and has taken care of "her" and his daughter... so much so that he backed himself into a corner and feels like there is no way out. He keeps telling me it not just what he and I want anymore, now he has to think about someone else, too. He refuses to stop calling her, he says he has to do it because if "she" finds out that he is still with me, she won't let him have contact etc with his kid and she will go from the house and no one will know where to find her. He is not on the child's birth cert. According to him, he says she was mad that he came back here to be with me, so she withheld his name on the birth cert. What would you do? Stay, be patient and understanding like I have been? Or say no more? I don't want to give up on our love, we have been together more or less for almost 9 yrs. I can't just walk away... I will answer any ?'s anyone might have to clarify things. Please give me some advice. Thanks!

If you "can't" walk away (and you can, you mean you won't), then you accept his new situation completely and you follow his lead 100% in regard to it. Your opinion on it is almost irrelevant, so butt out.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's what you're choosing. He's done this and decided to be as much of a father to his daughter as he can. You can't stand at his side now and give him one moment of crap about it. He gets 100% free reign to pursue his parenting responsibilities as he sees fit. That responsibility will overrule his commitment to you every time. As it should.

Remember, no one is telling you you have to stay with a cheating boyfriend who got his cheating girl pregnant. That is your choice. I think it may perhaps even be the right one.

But now you've taken a permanent demotion to 2nd place because of it. You can survive the demotion, but your relationship to this man cannot take your punishing him in any way over what he does from now on for the sake of his child.

If you stay, love him and butt out.

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't of done what he has done to you while he was in his country. He is a cheater, 9 yrs, is a long time, but at least your not married, and you found out now. He has dug his own hole, and now he has to bury himself out. I myself couldn't except something like that, and I would never trust him again. I would personally say see you, I'm out of here. We all go through lifes ups and downs, marriages, relationships for very long time. But honestly, get away from it, think more of yourself and to settle for what he has done to you emotionally going to someone else.. Good luck

Also, don't settle for seconds!

A) He could love her just fine, and still be a cheater. Weakness of character, lack of will is not a reflection of lack of feeling. But he was gone a long time and possibly thought he might not get to come back at all.

I know I'm rationalizing, but my main point is "love" is occurring outside of reason anyway, so it's easily possible he loves and still strayed.

That's why we make life choices on things OTHER than love. Love is an attractor, it gets things going. We're supposed to use our mind for the rest.

B) I agree on the "don't settle for seconds"... except when it's second place to a child. Letting a man have an ongoing GIRL ahead of you is dumb, taking second fiddle to his child(ren) is just proper prioritizing and everyone should recognize the importance of that.

This is a life changing decision, and one you should make for yourself, and your own happiness, so make it on your own, with no pressure from him at all. Which means a vacation, or separation at this time for just you. Love yourself enough to take your time, based on what you want, and not what everyone else needs. He did cheat, and was not forthcoming, and it led to complications in YOUR life.

What would I do???? Seek my own happiness, with no regard to past promises, or emotional investments.

Whatever decision you make, don't look back at the past with regret, focus on making the future what you want it to be.
Good Luck!