Well those that answered my first question will want to give me some input here.
After I went to pick her up for a date, she asked that I do not kiss her on the lips since we are just going on a date. I kissed her on the cheek. We walked around and talked about us, no matter how hard I tried the answer was NO I do not want a relationship with you anymore, I have no romantic feeling for you anymore, I worked so hard to get you out of my mind and now you want me to revert all of that? Now you want to do the things I wanted to do with you the past 7 months.
We went to dinner and then dropped her off at home, walked her in, went to hug her, I lifted her chin and we started kissing. She later walked me to the door, thanked me for the flowers, we kissed again and she told me that I am a beautiful man inside and out.
Now this is someone that took all her stuff out of my house last month and has broken up with me and does not want to take me back, but wants to be friends.
She is 39. Never been married. I asked her if she was scared of a commitment, and she said maybe. Now any excuse is coming out as to why we are not compatible, including and not limited to: leaving my clothes on my dresser, drinking too much coffee, too much soda, my eating habits...

Any thoughts? Do I give her time, more time to figure things out, she seems adamant that she does not want me but does not act it.

A little history can be found here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/womans-love-226448.html#post1092574

Thanks in advance for all those who can give me their thoughts.

I just read your old post and I think you should be a little cautious. She told you that she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship, but you pushed it and she is going along with it. After being together or 7 months she must have some sort of attraction to you, which is obviously still linger.

I am afraid that in the future she will tell you that she has found someone, or just stop being interested in you because she has found someone else. I don't want to see you get used a source or security. You are a safe bet, and she knows that she can have your attention and commitment whenever she wants.

Keep your eyes open and watch for the signs.

Sorry, I know I'm about to be harsh, but your actions in the story above are atrocious, in my opinion, and your questions make me think you don't even see what YOU are doing here.

You haven't changed, right? All the things she listed off earlier as the things that make a permanent relationship with you impossible... you still inhabit all those things, right?

She is acting like she doesn't want a relationship. You're just being a bully with your own strong ability to come on strong and kiss her when she's asked you not to. So you're a good kisser and smooth operator, so what? When you're no longer IN THAT MOMENT and she gets to think about it clearly again, you're still not her "one".

You know that, too. How does it feel to have just enough influence over someone that you can keep inserting yourself into their life when you've been asked politely not to? That's not a real great accomplishment.

Now, FIXING ALL THOSE THINGS ON THAT LIST SHE GAVE... hell, fixing half of them... now THAT would be something to be proud of, something you could just show her instead of having to emotionally manipulate her. Have you considered THAT approach?

JB,
I have since been more attentive to her needs, compliments, care, and all.
I respected her when she asked not to be kissed upon my arrival. I hear what she says but her actions are saying something else, hence my confussion. I do not mind your bluntness, I appreciate it. I am confussed as to why would you want to continue to date someone and take it one day at a time, kiss them when they kiss you but say you are not in love with them or do not love them or not wanting to be with them but call them when they do not call you and all. Is she making me suffer? Making me feel the way I made her feel? Making me wear her shoes for a little?

NO, she's a woman. She's an emotional creature. She likes you, maybe even has some of that uncontrollable love, but that just makes it easier for you to get her to do things she really doesn't think is in her best interest.

This forum is FULL of stories of women staying involved in mismatched relationships.

She wants to take it one day at a time because you are familiar and it hurts to just walk away (even if that's the right thing to do). She calls because you're familiar.

She's not making you suffer, she's making herself suffer.

One of you two has to be strong. Either you have to be strong enough to reach inside yourself and MAKE some significant life/habit/personality adjustments to BE the man she can love permanently, or ONE of you needs to be strong enough to end this failing experiment.

Does any of this make sense? Am I totally off the mark here?

No you are making a lot of sense. I had sooo much going on when I first met her, she was not a priority. But she now knows she has become one. Maybe the breakup woke me up. I told her I took her for granted and wish I could erase the pain and hurt I caused her. All I can do is be myself, loving, and caring. I fought the idea that I was in love with her, I was scared to tell her. Now she knows it, and I need to prove it to her day in and day out. She thinks this is not going to last and I will revert to the uncaring person after a month, my words do not mean anything anymore but only my actions, but she does not always wants to do things. I want to make plans for us but do not want to pressure.
Again thanks for all your input.

...my words do not mean anything anymore but only my actions...True, that!

She thinks this is not going to last and I will revert to the uncaring person after a month

This was my first thought when I read that part of your post. It might not be fair, but I tend to think a lot of women think of men that way. Blame it on the media, blame it on whatever you want, but guys have a tendency to want to change, but not be able to.

I tend to think it might come down to a trust issue as well. She trusted you not to hurt her, and by her not being a priority that's exactly what happened. Trust is a VERY difficult thing to earn back, and she may not be willing to give you another chance.

You are correct however, only actions matter, words -- not so much. The problem - you can't show her by her actions unless she allows it. Pushing actions on her will NOT impress her, it will push her away if anything.

BB, JB,
I agree with what the both of you are saying. Yes I lost her trust. I know I have hurt her to the point where now sometimes she get angry. She knows I had a lot going on. She was patient and I respected and admired that but too proud and stupid to acknowledge that. Too cocky to tell her everyday how much she meant to me.
Any advice on how to fight for her without scaring her away?
From one day to another her feelings flip flop. Saturday we had a nice conversation over the phone, in the afternoon, I called left a message, she did the same later, and at night she followed up with another call. Made me feel good that she called again after having already tried previously. Sunday I send a text message "hi just wanted to wish you an awesome day" while she is out of town. Later, early in the evening, she write "thanks, had a gr8 day. got to run". From nice to a little rude in my opinion. :-(

Maybe she was busy - relax :)

At this point, there isn't much you can do. You can decide to let her drag you along for a while and see what happens, or you can decide to walk away. I'm not sure there is anything you can do without her letting you know you can.

Of course you can try to plan a date or a night out with her, but if she doesn't want that you run the risk of bothering her by asking her. Especially if she has already previously rejected that idea. Maybe you could ask her if she would like to do something, and if she gives the OK then plan it.

BB,

I live in the Providence area, she is in New Haven. Long distance.

She has given you your best hints all along.

Slow this train down and pay attention to the details.



I want to make plans for us but do not want to pressure.



Stop making plans, and moving so fast, and let things develop naturally, and slowly. Plans should be made together. You should have earned a lot in the first 7 months. For sure she is watching you for signs of going back to the impulsive, overwhelming bull you were at first, and that didn't work well. Less is more, quality, over quantity, and pay attention, This is no frisky 20 year old your dealing with, and you won't dazzle her with charm and a frenzy of activities. Thoughtful to her needs and respectful, is the way to go, manners my man.

She may change her mind later who knows, but that's the risk we all take so make the most of it as most females break up, and don't look back.

She is telling you all you need to know, you just have to listen, and take your time, and don't be selfish. Mature, confident, established females, hate jealous b@star@ds.

They love the confident guy, who they can work well with. Try it that way and see if it makes a difference, especially with the distance thing.

Later, early in the evening, she write "thanks, had a gr8 day. got to run". From nice to rude in my opinion. a little :-(

I just picked this out to show you your own thinking, and unrealistic expectations.

Talaniman,

Thanks for writing. I hear what you are saying, but how do I show her that changes are being made when she is not coming over or plans to come over. Sometimes I left my clothes on the side of the hamper, now I find out that she did not like that. I am making sure I get in the habit of putting my clothe right in, no more basketball misses.
How do you recommend I give her space but also fight for her and prove to her that I am in love with her?
From your experience, can a girl's feeling revert when now she says we are at 10%-90% instead of the 80% I like about you and 20% I do not like.
Please elaborate on anything you may have for me.
Thanks in Advance.

Yes you are right, I need to relax and not expect as much as I would want.
Just like BB said "RELAX".

Hi Broken,

Relaxing is key, however, it is easier said than done. I have texted my ex this past weekend, and still not have heard from him. It is so hard.

Yes it is hard when you are about to propose pending your divorced being final, and that day you get an email about your mate being confused and needing space. Space turned to I do not want to be with you, I have no more romantic feeling for you.
Can being scared of a commitment cause such a withdrawal?

By the way this marriage I was in was a mistake and I found that out 3 months into it.

It's long distance. The simple truth may be that there is nothing you DO to improve your relationship with her. She may simply not be into you that way any more.

You don't get to vote, just accept it. This is the same as if the roles were reversed and some girl you liked, but not THAT much, kept after you and you decided to just be polite and civil to her. Sound about right?

You can make those changes you talked about, but make them for yourself, for your own benefit, so YOU can see, not her, or don't make them at all. Truth is you can keep your house the way you want, eat and drink what you want, the way you want... you're not WRONG to do those things. The way you did them bugged her, perhaps, but that's her preference.

There's a difference between preference and principle. When someone else elevates their preference to the level of principle, you have to be willing to live with someone that picky.

You don't have to.

When is the last time you saw her, and what kind of distance are we talking about?

Saw her on Friday, we went out to dinner then she worked her part time job/hobby Saturday just as I did, we have that sport in common, we both referee, and went out of town that night. Have not heard from her since Saturday night except for the text message on Sunday "thanks, had a g8 day, got to run". She is a 2 hour drive away. 120 miles.

She doesn't have a lot of time to stroke your ego, but may be receptive to your overture if they are thought out, timely, and not demanding. If its worth the risk, you'll see her next week at a mutual hobby right? How much distance is between you?

Talaniman,
Once in a while we referee together, but not anytime soon. I do not forsee it happening. No she does not strike my ego anymore, she is very blunt at time. I used to be complimented a lot, now they are one sided. THe only thing she said to me Friday right before I left is that I am a beautiful man inside and out. I feel like asking her out for Friday but not sure. She has not contacted me yet since returning from her trip. She is a 2 hour drive from me. Now I am willing to drive that everyday without a doubt. Previously I did mind the distance but now that I have realized how much I love her, I could careless.

I feel like asking her out for Friday but not sure.

Ask her, if she refuses, back off. Long distance relationships are hard to manage either way it goes.

Yes it is hard when you are about to propose pending your divorced being final, and that day you get an email about your mate being confused and needing space. Space turned to I do not want to be with you, I have no more romantic feeling for you.
Can being scared of a commitment cause such a withdrawal?

Hi Broken,

I would say yes. Sometimes people (men and women) can get scared of commitment, which would definitely cause a person to withdraw. I feel they withdraw because either they don't know what they really want, or they have gotten hurt in the past from a relationship, and haven't properly dealt with the issues.

She wants friendship and companionship, you want more, but are moving to fast. Slowing down allows you to get to know her, and her you.

It is soooo difficult to see her and not talk to her about us, or tell her how much I miss her, or how much she means to me.
I need to start thinking before speaking and carefuly choose what I say. Would I be myself?

She sent me a link to a pro soccer game to buy a tix , telling me that she is going and that she bought her ticket. I wrote back "would you like me to go with you", she replies "what kind of question is that? go if you want to, don't go if you do not want to". I called her and she said "what kind of question is that?" I said all you had to say is "yes I want you to go".
I later emailed her a thank you note for the invite and a congrats on her appointment to officiate, she writes back "it was not an invitation, just an announcement"
CAN ANYONE MAKE SENSE OF THIS?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Talk to her about your relationship or lack of one.

To hell with being in limbo, figure it out once and for all...

If she says she doesn't know, then you decide - stay or go?

BB,
As you know last week we kissed, she can be very nice but sometimes very frustrated with me. I am not sure if she is struggling with her emotions, her decision, wants me to pursue her, give up on her or what.
Had it been me and I wanted to break up with someone, I would not want to be friends if I knew the person was really in love with me and hurting, I would not go out with them or take their calls, and lastly let them know of a soccer game that is 2 hours away from them so they could come and tell them it is not an invitation but just an announcement. What is she thinking? Does she know what she wants?

Do you see now why I started this blog titled "I AM CONFUSED"?
I do not know if I am coming or going. She always tries to cut me short when we talk on the phone, like she is fighting something.

I agree with Bigbird,

I really am not getting too much of a positive reaction from how she answered your text. I would ask her straight out what she is feeling about the two of you, your relationship, etc. You sound really nice, Broken, and she is being rather cold.

She Says There Is No Hope And Does Not Want To Be With Me But Wants To Go Out And Take It A Date At A Time. But Again She Is Not Optimistic About Us.
Sorry About The Caps, Did Not Realize They Were On.

Oh and she does not want to talk about us, it frustrates her every time.

She Says There Is No Hope And Does Not Want To Be With Me But Wants To Go Out And Take It A Date At A Time. But Again She Is Not Optimistic About Us.
Sorry About The Caps, Did Not Realize They Were On.

It seems that you want more than just a date at a time with this woman. That being said, I wouldn't go for this Broken. You are selling yourself short. It's not fair for her to have her cake and eat it too. You deserve better than this.

What were her reasons for saying 'she is not optimistic' about you two?

We are not compatible, I do not drink she loves to dring (39 year old) I felt like asking when will you grow up but I bite my tongue. I came to the US in 89, put myself through school, made the American dream come true for me, have 2 houses, a large single family I live in, also moved my handicapped mother in as well and a rental property that pays for itself. Yes I bought the big house before my previous marriage and it failed. To her the house is too big, I offered to downgrade to a smaller house. I worked 7 days a week to make ends meet and now (about 10 months ago) started a new job where I pretty much more than double my salary, I can afford what I have and afford to go on vacation for once, go camping, and enjoy the summer instead of running around the soccer field on weekend to make end meet. But she says I do not enjoy going on vacation I never considered it until she broke up with me. Although we have a lot of the same value and respect, and want the same, she is bothered by my lack of organization at home, I work a lot from the house, the unfinished work I am having done to the house, she prefers to go on vacation with that money instead of home improvement. She has a cute little house. The fact that I drink too much coke, and coffee, do not eat veggetable (much veggies), clothes not always in the hamper, clothes on the dresser (not anymore for hamper nad dresser, I am working on those), she is a clean freak. And I love that, she thinks it bothers me and it really does not. I admire it.

I also watch too much TV instead of reading like her. She hates the TV.

Oh and also she is not in love with me, she feel out of love. But a month ago she was willing to get pregnant so that she'd be before we got married.

Hi Broken,

She sounds very selfish, all about her, her, her. Okay, when you love someone (my opinion) if they have little quirks (clothes aren't put away, doesn't eat a lot of veggies, etc), you don't run away, you (your ex I am referring to here) accept it, or if it bothers your ex, she can simply say that it bothers her, and it is up to you to correct or try and correct it (which obviously you are doing). She sounds controlling - her way or no way. Do you really want to be in a relationship like this? You have made a wonderful, successful life for yourself. You should be spending it with someone who appreciates you, and someone who is proud of you, not someone who wants to control you.

oh and also she is not in love with me, she feel out of love. But a month ago she was willing to get pregnant so that she'd be before we got married.

No Way!! She is willing? Oh please! You can do so much better! She sounds like a control freak, and very self centered. And then she says she is not in love with you??

True but when it comes to the heart, you cannot analyze this.
Which takes me back to my original question about cold feet and people being scared of commitment. I knew if we married she need to quit her job, sell her house and move to the Proovidence area, go from a professional to a mom. I offered after speaking to my boss, I can move to CT, keep your job until we start our family. Although we did not do much this winter except stay home with my mother, my family has finally decided to help me out and take mom 2 times a month ofr a long weekend so that her nad I can enjoy ourselves. This was never an issue but now is, and she loves my mom very much. Could she be making me suffer on purpose to see the extend of my love and if I am really in Love with her? (I do not like that game).

Like the ticket to the soccer game, she knows it is 2 hours away for me, instead of buying me a tix and inviting me, she send me the link and tells me it is an announcement not an invitation. Another way to see me indirectly.

BB,
As you know last week we kissed, she can be very nice but sometimes very frustrated with me. I am not sure if she is struggling with her emotions, her decision, wants me to pursue her, give up on her or what.
Had it been me and I wanted to break up with someone, I would not want to be friends if I knew the person was really in love with me and hurting, I would not go out with them or take their calls, and lastly let them know of a soccer game that is 2 hours away from them so they could come and tell them it is not an invitation but just an announcement. What is she thinking? Does she know what she wants?


After all these questions you have for me, I have one for you...

Why are you asking me these things? Every single one of these questions is one that should be asked to her, nobody here can give you the answer, we can purely speculate. Ask her what you want to ask her. If she keeps giving you the "it frustrates me" runaround, then I would say that it isn't worth it. If she won't discuss it, but throws these signals at you, then she is keeping you around for security and comfort.

You deserve to find someone who knows what they want, and that is you.

Marriage at this time would be a disaster, as you don't sound as if you work together very well or communicate well enough. I would back off if I were you, and get someone local to date.
I can't see this as fun at all.

Oh Talaniman, marriage is way out of the question right now. I am not proposing anytime soon if we get back together. I really need to figure her out. Already had a failed marriage not going to do it again.

I don't see you figuring her out with questions, she responds better to actions I think, which is a whole new level of communications. Her walls are up, and rightfully so, and at 39, she isn't going to give up what she has built for just any one, for sure. The distance has you at a disadvantage though and can only drain your confidence.

True, I know only my actions will prove to her how I really feel, how much I love her and want to be in a successful relationship with her. She has told me she is defensive and now every time we talk she tries to cut the conversation short and tries not to go into details, says OK got to go, have work to do. I feel she is struggling within herself to be rational about this. I have decided to give her some time and see how she does, try to see her as much as I can and really show her that I am willing to work on us if she is willing to do the same. It would be so much easier if I was closer. Everything has to be planned way ahead of time nothing at an impulse.

It would be so much easier if I was closer. Everything has to be planned way ahead of time nothing at an impulse.

That in itself is a neat trick.

This is when being a salesperson with clients in her area comes in handy. Hey I was in the area to visit a few clients, would you like to go to lunch? Or drop off flowers, or something.
Would that be too much pressure?

Is anger normal when someone breaks up with you?
For some reason or another, she is very ANGRY at me and finds anything to argue with me. Any word I say after and argument or a disagreement is the beginning of a new one.
I did not break up with her, she left me. I want her back, she does not.

It's common to behave this way. Of course, after dumping you, she only gets to make herself feel better using this tactic because you dog after her giving her the opportunity to do so. So, you're contributing, too.

Back off, and let the dust settle, instead of bulling ahead to get what you want.

She probably feels guilty and is trying to use any tool possible to ease her guilt. In time, everything will even out and you two will both see each other clearly again. Break away from her, like JB said.

Thanks Everyone. I will backoff. Hoping she will know that I am not giving up on her but just giving her space. Any other advice on how to let her know I am here but not here?
I am even considering not showing up to the soccer game since she said it was not an invitation but just an announcement that there is a game I might want to go to and that she bought her ticket already.

I think not going is the right thing to do.

Don't worry about her backing off. If she backs off, she was going to do it all along. She doesn't need you to keep making efforts to make up her own mind. In fact, she will be better able to make the right decision with some space of her own. In other words, your pressure might force her into a decision (such as staying with you) that she might regret later, causing you both more hurt.

The last thing I need if for someone to be involved or be in a relationship with me when they do not want it. I prefer to fail right now than with kids or after having gotten married.
I do not need a One sided relationship.

I have so far been very successful at not calling, emailing, or texting. I miss her like there is no tomorrow but I feel strongly I am doing the right thing in giving her some space.
Thank you again for all you help and if you have more advice or anything else you can think of, please let me know.
My biggest dilemma right now is wanting to let her know I am HERE for her but also not here to pressure her. Any advise? When will it be time to send flowers, a note, a card, an email?

Tough as it is to hear, I think the answer to your question is never.

She knows your there, you have made that evident in the last few weeks. She isn't going to forget that you are there - she wants time and space. If you must talk to her after a decent amount of time has passed, then you contact her then. Don't worry about it now.

BB,
You do not sound too optimistic!!

After almost a week, I heard from her today in the form of an email with a YouTube link and a website having to do with the link. No hello, no hi, no how are you.
Just that.
What is going on in that mind of hers??
Does anyone understand this behavior??
If I replied she will probably say it was an "announcement" just like she did last week about the soccer game.

She's sending you spam links like any of her other acquaintances. You're moving completely into the friend zone. Nothing confusing here.

I wish we had all this technology back in the day, I would be freakin' INVINCIBLE!

I read your posts. A lot of this other stuff being said by you and her, all the petty annoyances she's claiming, I think is just smoke and mirrors and clouding the issue.

It sounds like she was planning to marry you, was actively trying to get pregnant with your child, and then (I better say that again) THEN, you told her that you loved her but weren't in love with her. That had to make her feel about as sexy as a wet blanket.

?

I guess it's not too hard for me to see why she's a bit angry. And confused.

Sokay,

It was the other way around, she asked me if I was in Love with her and I stupidly said No I love you but I am not in Love with you. And now I can tell you I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for her. The pregnancy was about 1.5 month later when she said we should try.
The timing of her breakup coincided with my divorce date. Now she lost control, she knew I was going to propose, hence my thought that she got cold feet and decided to run fast.

I said: "you told her that you loved her but weren't in love with her"

You said:

Sokay, It was the other way around, she asked me if I was in Love with her and I stupidly said No I love you but I am not in Love with you.

So how is that the other way around? Even if it was how does that make it better? You're playing semantics here, word games. (And people who play word games, play more than one of them.) Either you love her, or you don't. No need to qualify it.

Perhaps you could have just leaned over and gently whispered into her ear that you done the research, crunched some numbers, and come to the laborious conclusion that you love her, on average, approximately 63% of the time. That'll be sure to turn her on.



"And now I can tell you I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for her."

You can't unsay what you already said. The damage is done.


"The timing of her breakup coincided with my divorce date."

I highly doubt that was a coincidence. You said that you had previously told her that you were going to ask her to marry you on the date your divorce was final, right? (BTW not exactly what every woman wants to hear... not exactly romantic timing... )

Do you think she wanted to marry some guy who... 'Loves her but is not in love with her'? Of course not. She's too good to settle for that.


Now she lost control, she knew I was going to propose, hence my thought that she got cold feet and decided to run fast.

Bingo!

Sokay makes sense, Broken. It wasn't cold feet, it was a broken heart that caused her to leave the relationship. I think any man or woman would have reacted the same way. 'You love me, but aren't in love with me - then I've got to go'. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but, that is what I think. The only thing you can do is let her go. You will find someone that is better for you, who you do love, and are in love with.

Wow Sokay,
All right let me rephase. Yes I did tell her that I was not in LOVE with her. Then one after that we were still planning on getting pregnant. She did not seem to mind it. So she was still willing to marry me and have a family after I told her I loved her but not in love with her. In he meantime a coupe of Girlfriend of hers got involved to help her figure things out and that is what brought up all of this on the day my divorce was final. My divorce was final on the 22nd. I was going to propose tomorrow July 2nd, on my Birthday not on the day my divorce was final, I am not that insensitive. I hope I cleared any confusion I have caused.

Star,

I am crazy about her. I am truly in love with her.

When she would have taken me out for my Birthday and once I got my cake with the caddle, make my wish and get on my knee and say "this is what I wished for"

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, broken, I really am. But, she is real hurt, and her friends were looking out for her. Granted this is between you and her, but she was upset, and needed to talk to people about why she was upset. The only thing I can say is give her space. Do not go to the game either. It will not be good for you, or her. If she acts cold to you while you are there, how are you going to feel? Not good at all. Do not put yourself through that, and let her figure out her feelings for you herself. That is really all you can do at this point.

Update.
Well I saw her last night, we had a good time did not talk about us during the game. Went out to dinner with other mutual friends but after dinner we talked. She needs us to take some time away from one another, feels that I am still angry at my ex wife, too soon after my ex left we got involved, I did not have time for me, did not have time to find myself, and or heal. I agreed. She wants to stay friends, says she loves me and care a lot about me, is still attracted to me. Wants us to see each other at sports events, go out with mutual friends, in groups. Cannot just go out with me alone yet but will consider it and we can play it by ear. She wants me to take 6 months to a year to find what I really want and heal with the help of a professional. I need to focus on me. In the future, if we are meant to be, we will be. She promised that if she changes her mind before the time frame of 6 months, she will let me know. She confessed that she misses me sometimes and feels lonely. It is a nice feeling knowing that I am not the only one hurting. I know it sounds selfish, but we are both hurting. Will have to wait and see. Thank you all for all your input, thanks for listening to me, thanks for all the advise you have given me. Anymore input?
Have a Happy 4th.

Hi Broken,

I think that is very sensible. I too am divorced, and I think you definatley need time to heal, at least a year (in my case anyway). She sounds like she gave you some great advise. Now, are you really going to take that advice? I suggest you do. Get yourself healed, do not rush the time to heal, you must do this for you now. Once you do, and whether you two get back together or not, you will be stronger, happier within and for yourself, and will be ready for a relationship. Just keep up the good work, and by all means, see a counselor, and stay on this site. We are always happy to help!

Have a great 4th, okay? :)

Thanks Star.
I have been seeing someone since she left me. At least now I am no longer confused as to where I stand with her. I can focus on me and my work. It felt so good when she told me how she really felt about me. I even told her that I did not like the mean way she treated me the past 5 weeks. I guess she was very emotional and confused. I did tell her that I am comfortable telling her that I never felt for anyone the way I currently feel for her. She is having a hard time believing me, not sure if it is the rejection talking or if it is really me talking. Time will tell. My approach will be to still email her and talk on the phone, see her at soccer events as much as I can and hope that the candle is going to stay lite at a minimum for now. I will be seeing her on Wednesday again. When I ask if she would like me to come to her game, she got a little edgy but then told me of course I would like for you to come, you do not need to ask me that.

I meant seeing someone, a therapist I meant.

I meant seeing someone, a therapist I meant.

I know ;) And that is great! I am so glad to hear that you are doing something for yourself. Listen, now is the time where you talk to your therapist about everything about you, your ex-wife, your relationship with your current g/f. Get everything out in the open, because that is when therapy is most effective (Gee, you think I went to therpy? LOL!)

Thanks STAR. You are awesome.

You are so welcome, sweetie. Anytime! We are all hear for you!

I got asked to go to another game Tuesday!!

Wow she even offered to buy me a ticket for the game and she told about a tailgate before the game that she will keep me posted about.
I am going as a friend, I am not going to read into this anymore or overanalyze this, it is just causing my head and heart to hurt. Would someone care to do it on my behalf?

Like I told someone before, friendships can last longer than fleeting relationships that break-up over insecurities. We've all been through it.

I have former lovers who are my best friends now. Some took months, some years - but our friendship now will never cease to exist and we can have fun without having to 'act' around each other. We even laugh about the 'good old days' sometimes and enjoy meeting our families.

Life takes us through a lot of changes as we grow, just enjoy the time at the games and don't let false hopes ruin things for you.

Have a great time..

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Hi Again, well we went to the game, saw her kissed her on the forehead. During the game she had what looked liked a panic attack, turned pale. 15 minutes later she was OK. We left after the game, walked her to her car said good bye, she thanked me for the companionship. On my way home she called me, we chatted a little. I called her later on to make sure she got home safe since the panic attack incident I was worried about her. She was home and fine. She texted me an hour later to make sure I was home and safe and good night. I had already gone to bed and did not get her message until the morning. I called her that evening and apologized for not writing back, and that I had gone to bed already. Her answer was do not worry about it, I went to bed as well and did not stay up waiting for you to write back. As I was saying good night, I said "Sweet Dreams Sweets" she asked what did I just called her, I said sweets. She told me that it make her uncomfortable and that we are not boyfriend and girlfrind anymore. That her panic attack was partially because of me, the kiss on the forehead made her nervous, none of her friends kisses her there. I told her I'd refrain from calling her sweet names and will only hug her and kiss her on the cheek.
Last week end along with 2 other friends we took a 5 hour drive for a 3 day soccer meeting. I drove, and we picked her up and picked someone else along the way. There was 4 of us. As I drove she referred to me as "darling" although she asked that I stop referring to her with those words. We got safely to our location, and had meetings until about 9PM. At 11:20 I get a text message that says "good night, thanks for everything today and see you tomorrow". What do I make of this? Is she playing games? No one else sent me thank you messages and needless to say at 11:20 PM. The next day again meetings all day and we were together side by side throughout the day, Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Meetings. THat evening we went out to a bar and lo and behold she was with us for a little and took off and went from group to group socializing with everyone. Once in a while I caught her looking through people to find me. I was upset but did not say anything. That night at 1:AM after we returned to our respective dorms, she called me to make sure we knew what time the meeting was in the morning and to ask what time we were meeting for breakfast. I replied that there are 3 of us in the room with book and knew the time of the meeting. I felt like there was something else she wanted to say but don't know what. Anyway we hit the road the next day, dropped her off, said good bye with a longer hug and kisses on the cheek and head, since I am taller than her. I called her "hun" and apologized right away since that makes her uncomfortable, she replied it is OK. Can you makes sense of this? I certainly cannot. I am very blurred right now.
This past Wednesday went to another game this time she was officiating. We went to dinner afterwards, and upon leaving, the hug was more than a hug, our hands held onto one another as we were separating. Maybe it is just me, but the look on her eyes was very tempting to say "I Love You" and felt like I would have gotten the same back. I have not spoken to her since then. Any comments? If you feel like I am overanalyzing, please say so...

If her being friendly, leads you to see false hope, you need to back away from this situation.

I am not sure Talaniman, I don't know if she is being friendly or intentionally does not want to let go of me. Hence my confusion. It has been 2 months since she broke up with me, it is not getting any easier. I have no doubts I am in love with her.

I could be wrong, but certain panic (anxiety) attacks are indicative of failure to let things or people get too close. She might have a deeper issue than just a relationship - with anyone for that matter. It sounds as if she has a good time as long as you keep your distance and don't get verbally too endearing.

Conclusion.. (my opinion) is that she has a wall about her that her past made her build, and she might need professional help in breaking that wall down.

So, stay friends with her, get to know her long and well enough to help her feel secure in the friendship so that you can suggest talking about what is really bothering her - either with you or a professional.

This will take time, and if you love her as you say you do, you'll have the patience to feel when the time is right.

Otherwise, if you get too anxious and insecure yourself, it would be best to find someone who does not carry baggage from the past that cause anxiety attacks.

Good luck dear. Keep us posted.

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Thanks Chery. I do love her and I do want to call to check up on her but do not want her to feel pressured. Her rules of our break up were that we need space for me to get over the anger I still have towards my ex (her opinion) and for her to sort things out. If we are to get back together it won't be until after the next year. PS: my divorce was finallized on May 22 the same day she emailed me to break up. She knew it was final that day. She knew I was ready to move on with a proposal.

Commitment Phobic? Maybe?

I agree with Chery that she has bigger issues to deal with, and frankly your not in a position to help, nor do you have the skills to help. For sure she cannot give you what you want, a close caring relationship.

Thanks Chery. I do love her and I do want to call to check up on her but do not want her to feel pressured. Her rules of our break up were that we need space for me to get over the anger I still have towards my ex (her opinion) and for her to sort things out. If we are to get back together it wont be until after the next year. PS: my divorce was finallized on May 22 the same day she emailed me to break up. She knew it was final that day. She knew I was ready to move on with a proposal.

She probably also decided that she was not going to be the 'rebound' while you do your healing.

Just accept and respect the friendship until she feels secure that she would not be 'second best' - that might help.

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Commitment Phobic? maybe?

Maybe. But if the shoe were on your foot, would you feel secure with someone who just got a divorce and ready to get into a relationship so soon afterwards? Some people think that it takes more time to be serious and sincere.

I would think.. hmmm, maybe he might cheat on me some day.

So, think about it for a while and just relax - don't be in a hurry - enjoy quality time as a friend with her and let things happen on her terms - if you can wait.

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Thanks all. I will be patient and try to be less anxious. I guess for love one can and will do anything...

Welcome dear.

By the way, see the orange button in our posts? The one that says ''rate this answer''.. well it's there for you to either agree or disagree with our advice, so next time, please don't hesitate to let us know if you appreciate what we have to share with you.

We come on here to help as much as we can through our personal and sometimes professional experience - and it's free and we appreciate it if we receive a rating now and then from those that asked us for assistance.

Generally, you know the answers yourself, but it sometimes takes someone else to help you see the 'big picture' and let you know that you are not that far off.

Keep us posted.

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Can anyone recommend something as far as calling her, emailing her, etc..

Thanks.

If you both are looking to heal, keeping contact may not do that for you. You can't help with her healing, but you can heal yourself and then see things in a more realistic light.

I guess that cuts out phone calls, and emails. Even those platonic dates. Sorry guy, love or no, I believe a guy should always have his own plan, and given this split, you chasing will get you absolutely nowhere, so the focus should be on you healing, and not winning her. Either she misses you, or she doesn't, but its her choice.